05x08 - Dirty Harry

[bunniefuu]

Charley, do you mind?

No, go right ahead.

Daddy, Charley, you'll never
guess what happened.

You're right.

Daddy, I've just come
from my support group,

"adult children
of perfectly fine parents,"

and the most exciting thing

wait, wait, wait.

There's a support group
for people

who had perfectly fine parents?

Well, yes.

We bear a terrible burden.

Imagine being this screwed-up

with no one but yourself
to blame.

Sorry I was always there
for you, dear.

That's all right, daddy.

In fact,
it worked out just fine,

because I got
the most exciting news tonight.

Geraldo Rivera is doing
a series of shows in Miami,

and he wants certain members
of my group

to be on his talk show,
and, daddy, that's not all.

Daddy...

You too have a chance
to appear on Geraldo.

Not on your life.

Why would Geraldo
want Harry anyway?

I mean, he's not a Neo-n*zi
wife-swapping cross-dresser.

No. That would be
Mr. Hetzel across the street.

Not all Geraldo's shows
are like that.

Just during sweeps week.

Our show will be
about adult children

who live with their lovers
under their parents' roof.

You want me to admit that
on national television?

Daddy, think of it
as a public service.

Maybe our experiences
could help others

in the same situation.
- No, no, no, no.

I know the way those shows work.

They'll tell you anything
to get you on,

then they go for the jugular.

Probably dig up
those old pictures of me

in a hula skirt, kissing a pig
a the kappa kappa luau.

I discussed it
with my therapist,

and Sandy and I feel

that it might be
very helpful for us

to air our father-daughter
conflicts

on national television.

What father-daughter conflicts?

Well, for instance,

the fact that you won't appear
with me on Geraldo.

She's got you there, Harry.

Please, daddy, please.

- Come on, honey.
- Look, I don't know...

You don't have
to say yes right now.

I mean, at this point,
anyway, all we can do

is put our names in the hat.

We might not even get picked
to do the show.

Okay, you can put
our names in that hat

along with all the kooks.

But I can back out of this.

Yes! Thank you, daddy!

I'm not gonna get involved
in some...

Hyped up tabloid smear job.

Daddy, we're talking
about Geraldo.

The dashing young Maverick
journalist

who bravely exposed
the horrendous conditions

of the world's largest
mental institution.

So he's the one
who set you free.

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

Good morning, Laverne.

What's so interesting?

Geraldo.

Seein' as how you're gonna be
on his show,

I thought I should familiarize
myself with his book

in order to make
sharper wisecracks.

Who said I'm gonna be
on his show?

D'you ever hear about the time

he's in the bathtub
with six naked women?

I never... he did that?

Sure puts your hula skirt
story to shame.

Well, Laverne,
you can put away your book

and get back to work

because I'm not gonna be
on Geraldo.

They're sending over a show
coordinator to interview us,

but they're not gonna pick us.

Why not?

Because we're not looney enough.

So what you gon' wear
on the show?

Laverne, even if they did
pick us,

I never agreed to do it
for sure.

I'd go with somethin' blue.
It brings out your eyes.

Laverne, please.

Doctor Weston,
do you have a minute?

Sure. Hi, Mrs. Larson.

Hi, Larry.
What can I do for you?

I need to talk to you, doctor.

Man to man.

Well... well, please. Come in.

So, how's school?

A living hell.

Doctor, do you know
how awful it is

to be the shortest kid
in the second grade?

But you're a fifth-grader.

My point exactly.

Well, how can I help?

I'm going to this party

at this amusement park
on Saturday,

and if I want to ride

the rollercoaster
with my friends,

I gotta be
about this tall by then.

Maybe you have some kind

of stretching machine
in the back?

- No, I'm sorry.
- Great.

While the rest of the kids
are hurling their guts out

on the thundering cyclone,

I'll be tooting around
in the bunnyland choo-choo.

Larry, Larry,
Larry. Listen.

There's no guarantee.

But there's one thing
you can do.

Think tall.
You walk tall. Act tall.

And one day,
you just may be tall.

Really?

Works for a lot of people.

Kareem Abdul-jabbar?

Well, there are some
genetic components to this.

- Thanks, doctor Weston.
- Sure.

Bye-bye.

Nice speech there, doctor.

You know that Geraldo was
a little runt at that age, too.

Would you get off
this Geraldo kick, please?

I just think you oughta know
what kind of man it is

what's gonna whoop your butt
on nationwide television.

First of all,
I'm not gonna be on his show.

Second of all, why would Geraldo
whoop anything of mine?

Apparently, he's got
too much testosterone.

He whoops everybody.
Read his book.

Page 15, a teenage Geraldo
whoops his brother Willy.

Reason? Unknown.

Page 59, he whoops up
on three young thugs.

He says they was tryin'
to Rob his apartment.

Good-bye, Laverne.

When you're done
with your reading,

maybe you'll get around
doing a little nursing.

You're gonna need some nursin'

when Geraldo
gets done a-whoopin' you.

Now, Patrick,
when Mr. Maxwell gets here...

- Who's mister Maxwell?
- The man from Geraldo.

I'll steer the conversation
towards the aspects

of our life together
that we wanna highlight.

I thought I'd highlight

the time that we ran
into my ex-girlfriend

and you threw up on her shoes.

Well, in that case,
I'll tell them about the time

you were sleepwalking
and peed in daddy's closet.

I'm only doing this
'cause you asked me to.

You don't have
to try to embarrass me.

It's embarrassing enough
to be on one of these shows.

In fact,
I'm embarrassed to admit

I even watch these shows.

I mean, I would be embarrassed.

If I did watch them,

which I would never do,
of course.

I just don't understand
why anybody would volunteer

to make a fool of themselves
in a TV talk show.

Because they're such a sweet,
darling, devoted daddy.

Argh!

Well, I'm getting
a little sick and tired

of everybody's grumbling.

This is a chance to appear

with Geraldo Rivera,
for god's sake.

Whoop-Dee-do.

We're not talking
Chuck woolery here.

Did you know that Geraldo
has marched with Cesar Chavez,

exposed corruption,

provided free legal counsel
to the poor?

Am I the only one around here
who appreciates him?

Hi, neighbors.

I was in the neighborhood,
so I thought I'd stop by.

Charley, you cannot be
on the show with us.

But I heart Geraldo.

He's my idol.

See?
Even the moron's impressed

with Geraldo's crusades

to make the world
a better place.

No, I'm just impressed
with his crusades

to make it with the world.

He's done it with everybody.
- Go.

Come on, Charley,
I just restocked my fridge.

Let's go get a beer?

That's him. All right,
everybody, act natural.

Anybody ever
tell y'all you look like

that painting of Washington
crossin' the Delaware?

Laverne, I'm afraid you've
caught us at a rather bad time.

Why? Did I miss it
that guy from Geraldo?

We're expecting him any minute.

Good, 'cause I have an idea

I wan' run past him on a show
about southern nurses

who's married to minor league
baseball players

who left them
for Japanese hussies.

There he is.

Hi, are you the pinheads?

Listen, I'm sorry
about that pinhead thing.

Wrong show. I'm actually
looking for the Weston family.

- Mister Rivera.
- Come in. Come in.

Please call me "heraldo".

"Heraldo."

What happened
to Mr. Maxwell?

You know, it's a funny thing.

We were fooling around
in the gym this afternoon,

and... I broke his nose.

Accidentally, of course.

Of course.

Well, bienvenido, Geraldo.

Me llamo Carol Weston.

Y esto es mi papa.

Hi. Hi, I'm Harry Weston.
It's nice to meet you.

I can't believe!

I mean, it's really you!

I mean, it's right here
in my house.

In person.

You look good.

Y esto es mi vato.

Patrick arcola.

I never miss your show, man!

That manson family reunion
was wild.

I loved it when you went,

"you're a dog, Charlie manson.
You're a murdering dog."

It was great.

That was good.

But my favorite was... was
strippers on steroids.

Well, listen, your shows,
they're great.

Thanks. You know, some people
think I only do sleaze.

No! Get out!

Never heard such a thing!

Okay. If you only did sleaze,
would I watch?

And this is our neighbor,
Charley, who was just leaving.

My father's nurse, Laverne.

Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

Nobody.
I'm al Capone's vault.

Laverne was just leaving, too.

I love your book.
Especially page 332.

Which is in my pants
at this very moment.

You know, I'm sorry
I ever wrote that damn book.

Bye-bye. Hey, doctor,
don't say I didn't warn you.

Mr. Rivera.

Please, come, sit.
I apologize for our friends.

Some people
say such stupid things

around the celebrity
of your incredible mustache.

Magnificence.

You know, you can tell
a lot about a person

by the friends they make.

Nothing like that, I assure you.

It's too bad,
we like quirky types.

Quirky, we're quirky, that's us.

Aren't we quirky, Patrick?

- Yeah.
- Extremely quirky.

- Isn't that right, Harry?
- Sure.

When people see us, they go,

"whoo-hoo, here come
those quirky westons."

Patrick, tell Geraldo about
those quirky things you do.

I peed in Harry's closet.

You peed in my closet?

You quirky kid, you!

And what about me,
what about me?

I'm so jealous and insecure,

I actually vomited
on your ex-girlfriend's shoes.

And what about that time
you flipped out at the library

and wouldn't come down
off the top shelf.

- Yes.
- Very quirky stuff.

Of course, that was
before I met my artist.

You see, I was once
in love with a cheese host.

Isn't that the one
that your sister sh*t?

No. That was
the unemployed clown.

Wounded clown.

In all fairness,
he wouldn't have been sneaking

in Carol's bedroom
window if... Heh heh...

I weren't so worried
about their sex life.

Worried? He's obsessed.

He makes us have sex
in the garage.

Well, that may sound
a little too quirky

terrific. Terrific.

We tape Tuesday at 4:00,
but try to be there by 2:30.

Are you picking us
for your show?

Absolutely. By the way,
is the dog quirky?

Is dreyfuss quirky?

Just look at him.

What the hell,
bring the dog along, too.

- Great. Bye-bye.
- Bye.

Patrick.
I've been preparing

my opening remarks for Geraldo.

And I wanted to ask
your opinion on something.

Well, you know,
it's really weird

that you're so calm
about this whole Geraldo thing.

Usually, you get
so uptight about stuff.

I'm proud of you, honey.

Well, what's
to be nervous about?

Nothing, but I know
how your mind works.

You start worrying
about the implications

of baring your soul in front
of millions of people...

Poo.

Obsessing that you'll
say something stupid

that'll come back to haunt you
for the rest of your life.

I plan to say
only brilliant things.

Plus, you know, they say
the camera adds ten pounds.

Ten pounds? My god.

No. No.

What is it?

It's a fever blister.

All of a sudden
I could just feel it.

Look at it. It's growing
right before my very eyes.

It's huge!

Carol, I have to go, dear.
Good-bye.

How's Carol's fever blister?

You hardly notice it.

The... the sty she's developed
is so much bigger and redder.

She's lucky.

A sty and a fever blister
ain't nothin'

compared to the shape
you'll be in tomorrow

after Geraldo settles your hash.

Laverne, I've had enough.

That's what you'll
be tellin' Geraldo

when he gets you
with an uppercut,

then a right,
then a left, then a right.

This is so ridiculous.

Woof. Margaret trudeau?

Sorry to interrupt
your... Reading.

Little Larry Larson is here,
and, boy, is he excited.

He's done a-rid the thunderin'
cyclone three time.

They let him
on a thundering cyclone?

How did he get tall enough?

Well, you'll just
have to ask him.

Thank god you're here.

I was worried about you.
Where have you been?

I had to make a last minute
wardrobe substitution.

Good. I was afraid
you were gonna wear

that dress I said
was too low-cut.

I have hives.

It looked like she was wearing
a red brocade dickey.

Daddy, Patrick,
would you mind terribly

if I didn't go
on the show with you?

What?

I discussed it
with my therapist,

and Sandy and I now feel

that while my psyche
might be ready

to air our conflicts,
my body obviously is not.

- What?
- Carol, come on.

You can do it, Carol.

It's no big deal.
Look, we go out there,

we sit on that stage...

That great big stage.

With millions
of people staring at us.

Harry, I don't think
I can do this either.

What? What are you talk

westons, I'm glad
to finally meet you.

I'm Roger Maxwell.

You're gonna be on
in about five minutes.

So let's go over your stuff
one more time, okay?

We have a neurotic,
immature daughter. Okay.

Brings home
yet another loser boyfriend.

Okay.

He's not a loser.
He's an artist.

Well, semantics.

And who says all my other
boyfriends are losers?

Other boyfriends.
That would be the cheese host?

All right.
He was a loser.

What about the one
your sister sh*t?

That was the unemployed clown.

I'm feeling nauseous.

Yeah. It says here
you're a puker.

Does that paper say anything

about me peeing
in her father's closet?

- It does now.
- I was sleepwalking.

Okay. Now, dad,

you're obsessed
with your daughter's sex life.

No, no, I'm not obsessed.

Just deeply involved.
Um...

No, no, just kind of interested.

Fine. Scott.

This is Scott, everyone.
You follow him to the stage.

- Yeah.
- Excuse me.

- Scott.
- No, excuse me.

Just a moment, please.
Just a moment.

Just a minute, Scott.

Scott, do you have any
calamine lotion?

I'm telling you,
I was sleepwalking.

Haven't you...

...listen, the stuff
we told Geraldo,

I think in our eagerness
to get on the show,

maybe we, you know,
misled him a little.

I'm sorry, doctor Weston,

but I can't do
anything about that.

I'm just a page.

I can get you coffee.
- Great, great, great.

- God. God.
- My throat's closing up.

I can't talk.

Well, then shut up, 'cause
you're making me nervous.

Coffee and a telegram for you.

Telegram?

"Break a leg before Geraldo
breaks yours. Laverne."

In ten, nine, eight...
- I can't do this.

Seven, six, five...

Well, I'm not
if you're not.

Four, three...
Patrick, Carol, get back here!

Dreyfuss!

Welcome, everybody.
Today, we are live from Miami.

Charley.
How did you get here?

Well, be sure
to wave Scott bon voyage

before he leaves
on his free cruise.

The focus
of this edition of Geraldo,

ladies and gentlemen, concerns
a growing trend in our society,

adult children who can't even
support themselves,

yet bring a lover home to live
under their parents' roof.

Our guests today include...
Wait a minute.

I believe I see a real life
family psychodrama

going on right before
our very eyes.

Harry Weston.

Meet Harry Weston, pediatrician.

A man whose entire
professional life

has been spent
in the service of children.

Yet where is your own daughter,
doctor Weston?

My daughter... pfft.

- Geraldo.
- Remember me?

I'm Harry's neighbor,
Charles dietz.

I witnessed the whole thing.

She ran out of here
like her butt was on fire.

She ran out of here
like her butt was on fire.

A grown,
admittedly immature woman

fled from her own father

like her butt was on fire.

And this, despite
a firm commitment

to appear
on this live broadcast.

Why, Harry? Why?

Don't know.

What drove her away?

Was it you, your refusal
to allow her to grow up?

No, no, I wish she'd grow up.

Is that why you force her
and her boyfriend

to have sex in the garage?

I-i-i,

or is it simply, sir,
that you are preoccupied?

Preoccupied, perhaps,
to the point of obsession

with your own daughter's
sex life?

I...

I can... I can... I can...
I can explain.

Come to grips with it, Harry.

Come to grips with it, man,
right here, right now,

come to grips with it, Harry.
- Would you get that mic

My nose!
He broke my nose!

Wait, wait, wait. Stand back,
please. I'm a doctor.

Don't you think
you've done enough?

You're a dog, Harry Weston!
You're a murdering dog!

Agh.

Whoa! Come on,
put 'em up, put 'em up!

- Come on, Laverne.
- Come on!

Put up your Dukes!
Put up your Dukes!

Whoa, she floats
like a butterfly,

but she stings like a bee!

Laverne!