Frankenfish (2004)

[bunniefuu]

What the....

Some hunters found the body

about an hour ago.

No ID.

Probably been dead a couple of days.

These wounds are post-mortem.

But something

was definitely chewing on her...

after she was dumped here.

Sam, what do we got here?

I'd say we got ourselves a homicide.

See that blood? It was smeared on.

Probably chicken blood.

Great. You don't think it was

one of those voodoo things, do you?

No, the chicken blood's there to attract pigs.

A few feral razorbacks could get rid

of a corpse in less than a week.

You know what k*lled her?

Probably blunt force trauma,

judging by the cranial bruising.

I'll know more when I get some results,

run some tests.

Let me grab my kit.

Abrams is going to have to handle

this one on his own.

I need you to run down to Otley.

Otley? What for?

They pulled what was left

of a body out of the swamp down there.

It's chewed up real bad,

but something ain't right.

The local sheriff put in a request

for a medical examiner.

Listen, Chief, how about I stay here?

Send Abrams down, grab a few photos--

First of all, you know those swamp rats

won't even talk to outsiders.

Now, Abrams ain't even from the South.

Yeah, but, Chief, I really don't--

Second of all, you're the expert

at this kind of thing.

Abrams ain't.

All right.

-Tell them I'll be there by 8:00.

-I already did.

Thank you.

Abrams.

Call the state lab.

See if they have

any porcine casts or x-rays on file.

Yeah, sure.

Porc....

Porcine. Means pig, Einstein.

Call me if you have any questions.

Otley.

sh*t.

Not a pretty sight, is it?

Looks like he's been in the water

for 48 hours, give or take.

That's about right.

He was missing for a day and a night.

-You know anything about this guy?

-Not a lot.

Name's John Crankton. Age 57, 165 pounds.

Did you put a verdict down

on the cause of death yet?

Alligator att*ck.

Then why call in an ME?

Because these don't look

like any gator bites I've ever seen before.

They're not.

Alligator teeth are too short and blunt

to cause this kind of damage.

I'm going to have to visit the scene.

Where'd they find the body?

Way out in the deep swamp.

-You got a phone around here?

-Sure. Right outside.

You Sam Rivers?

That would be me. You the biologist?

Mary Callahan.

Department of Wildlife and Fisheries.

-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you, too.

Thank you for coming out here

on such short notice.

No problem.

-So, you ready?

-Yeah, let's do it.

Judging by the map...

we've got about

a four- or five-hour ride ahead of us.

I'd say about that.

Water?

No, I've got some cold ones in the cooler,

if you want. Help yourself.

Okay. Thanks.

I didn't know

medical examiners carried g*ns.

I don't usually carry one...

but I don't like going out to a potential

crime scene where I can't call for help.

We've got a radio.

Where we're going,

nothing works out there.

You seem to know your way

around these parts pretty well.

You get a lot of swamp murders?

No, not really.

When it comes to k*lling people,

the swamp doesn't need any help.

You want to take a look

at some photos of the body...

and tell me what you think?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, my God.

Is that your professional opinion?

It's extremely unlikely

that an alligator could have done this.

Shark, maybe.

Yeah, that was my first thought.

But we're a little too far upriver

for a great white, aren't we?

Yeah, but not for a bull shark.

They're extremely aggressive man-eaters.

That could be the guy we're looking for.

Hey, stop the boat.

That's strange.

The noise from the boat

should have scared it off.

That gator doesn't look right.

Jesus.

Look how ragged the stump is.

It looks like it was torn off.

You think a boat propeller

could have done that?

No boat this big

could have traveled that far up the bayou.

Well, what do you think happened then?

Probably some redneck poacher's idea

of a joke.

Come on.

We're almost there.

What's happening? Is he okay?

Watch.

-She's a beauty.

-You got that right.

-Is it biting you?

-Hell, yeah.

Some strange fella stick his hand

in your hole, wouldn't you bite him?

This is like the dark side of "Hee Haw."

We're looking

for where John Crankton lived.

What y'all want with old John?

John's dead.

Yeah, we know he's dead.

We're here to find out what happened.

Y'all cops?

My name's Sam Rivers.

I'm a medical examiner.

This is Mary Callahan,

Department of Wildlife and Fisheries.

I got me a license.

I really doubt

they issue a license to do that.

Fisting a catfish?

Well, I don't know what happened to John.

I wasn't there.

Ricardo brought him back.

He was wrapped up in a tarp or something.

Well, we'd like to talk to Ricardo,

and anyone else who may have known John.

You tow me upstream a mile or two.

I'll introduce you to some folks.

Okay.

God, who would want to live

so far away from everything?

Hey, pardner, pull up over there.

Whose houseboat is that?

That's my niece and her naked husband.

It's one thing to be married to it...

but to have to look at it

while you're eating....

And who lives in those?

That house over there on the left,

that's Ricardo's.

And the green one,

that's Gloria's, John's wife.

Roland! Bobbi!

Come on down here.

There's some people who want to meet you.

Hi, there.

This man's sort of a cop.

He wants to talk to you about old John.

Lord, it's awful.

I've got to see a man

about a bag of squirrels and a mess of fish.

Either of you have any ideas

of what happened to Mr. Crankton?

We feel real sad

about what happened to John.

Ricardo!

I feel real bad about

what's going to happen to that gator...

because Ricardo over there,

he's going to get it...

and it ain't going to be pretty.

Now, Ricardo,

he's the one that found the body, right?

He doesn't talk much.

And since John d*ed--

Yeah, they were in Vietnam together.

We'd like to talk to Mrs. Crankton, too.

Go ahead.

Elmer should introduce you...

being that he's her brother-in-law and all.

Elmer, we'd like to talk to Ricardo.

Ricardo ain't talking to nobody.

How about Gloria?

Well, come on, we'll see.

Hi, Elmer.

-Comment a va, chrie?

-I'm fine, and you?

I hate to bother you,

but is your mama in the house?

Yeah, she's in there. You want to come in?

Eliza, your mother

will not let me pack up the shrine.

It mustn't be moved from this spot.

They need its power here.

Dan, if she doesn't want to move the altar,

can we just leave it there?

That's fine, I just....

I don't understand the point

of coming here to help your mother move...

if she doesn't

actually want to take anything with her.

There's some people

who want to talk to you about John.

Excuse me, ma'am. Sorry to bother you.

I know this is a very difficult time

for you and your family.

But we're here to investigate the death

of your husband, John Crankton.

We're hoping to get a look

at where John's body was found.

You're all they sent?

Just the two of you?

Damn fool.

Ma.

Sit.

There's been a curse...

put on this place like none I've ever seen.

It come with the storm and the boat,

and it's been with us ever since.

I've tried to keep it away.

My circle of protection is small,

and I told John...

not to step outside of it.

But he wouldn't listen.

I don't know what k*lled John.

But I do know it's not from this swamp.

Apparently, after Hurricane Garrick...

they found a strange boat

a few miles upstream.

Mama said that's when

all the crazy stuff started to happen.

Like the fish getting scarce.

I've never seen it myself.

This boat, can you show it to us?

No, I can't go there.

My circle is what's keeping that thing away.

Elmer can take you.

-I'm fishing--

-Elmer, I warned you.

I know what you think.

"She's a crazy old witch."

-I never said--

-I'm getting out of here.

And once I'm gone, there won't be

nothing to keep that evil thing away.

Well, thank you for your time.

You stop it.

You stop it now, before anyone else dies.

Take these with you.

-Thanks.

-Bye, "chrie."

What is this thing?

It's just some crazy old voodoo stuff.

Just put it in your pocket.

Hi.

Hi.

Y'all want some fruit?

No, thanks.

Guess not, huh?

Got no shame, them two.

This place used to have some decency.

Come on, have a banana.

Here, baby.

No, I don't want a banana.

What's a boat that size

doing way up in the swamp?

I have no idea.

Now, I just offered to show y'all the boat.

I never said nothing about getting on it.

-You've been on it before?

-No.

-How long has this thing been here?

-About three months.

And you've never been aboard once?

Not even to look for something

worth taking?

No.

Did John Crankton go aboard?

Never said he did. Never said he didn't.

Hey, pardner. Don't stay too long.

I don't plan to be out here all day.

Yeah, we'll try not to keep you away

from your busy routine.

I wonder why no one has come

looking for this thing.

This boat had a Chinese crew.

Nothing's working here.

Let's check out the hold.

-What is that smell?

-Something's rotten.

Oh, God.

f*ck.

You be careful.

Oh, man.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

I'm okay.

Jesus.

Damn.

-What?

-Nothing.

-You okay?

-Yeah.

I'm not usually this squeamish,

but that smell was just....

What is this?

My God, look at this.

What is this?

It's a fish scale.

Only I've never seen one that big before.

Not even close.

Neither have I.

I want to get out of here.

-Let's get out of here.

-We're coming.

Slow down.

Take your time. Watch your head.

Steady, miss.

-Elmer, you okay?

-Yeah.

I'm sorry, Elmer.

It's all right, missy.

Everything's going to be fine.

Come on, Elmer.

What the f*ck?

-What was that?

-I don't know.

But we're getting the hell out of here.

Untie the boat.

Come on in.

You guys have been looking

in the wrong f*cking place.

Idiots.

This better be good.

It's Anton.

I'm sorry, buttercup. I've got to take this.

Anton.

Your merchandise has been located.

Fantastic. Where is it?

It's about 50 miles downriver.

So, what happened?

We have no idea.

Well, what about the cargo?

Don't know.

You're starting to piss me off again, Anton.

All right, I'll have my boys

get the boat ready.

Jeff, come on. None of your

great white hunter bullshit, okay?

Let me get someone in there

to check it out and take care of things.

After three months,

the chances of that cargo--

Yeah, you're g*dd*mn straight

after three months.

You and your boys f*cked it up last time.

So, I'm going to go down there this time

and make sure it doesn't happen again.

Even if the cargo survived

whatever happened to the boat...

there's gators and other sh*t down there--

There's nothing in that swamp

that can touch them.

You got that?

Yeah.

So, stop bitching

and get your skinny ass down to my dock.

f*ck.

I'm coming for you,

you beautiful m*therf*ckers.

So, you're saying there's a swamp monster

out here k*lling people?

Look, the only thing that's out there

are things that belong there.

Look, are we safe here?

That boat is about three miles

away from here.

Since there hasn't been

any att*cks down here...

it was probably just territorial.

Yeah, if we don't bother it,

it won't bother us.

Bother us? It k*lled my dad.

It just k*lled her uncle.

Listen.

It's too late to make it back before dark,

and it's too dangerous to go at night.

But at first light...

Mary and I will head back

and get some help to take care of this.

Well.

What's done is done.

Mama.

You know...

this is ridiculous.

Anton.

Glad you could make it.

My pilot wants to know where we're going.

I've got it mapped out.

Who's our friend here, Jeff?

And what's with all the equipment?

Anton, meet Ben.

How are you?

We've already been

on a couple of hunts together.

Yes, I've k*lled and tracked just about

any g*dd*mn thing you can think of.

This ain't a f*cking game, Jeff.

You're g*dd*mn straight about that.

It's a hunt.

Now, come on, man.

What are we dealing with?

Well, it's clearly carnivorous...

which right there, narrows it down

to about four or five fish on the planet.

Yeah, but look at the size of this scale.

How the hell did it get so big?

It's the bayou.

Swamp's a wild place.

Unless you accept that,

you ain't getting out of here alive.

The thing that k*lled John

thinks it's king out here.

But it ain't.

I'll k*ll it. I swear to God, I will.

Dinner's ready.

And y'all got to eat. I made gumbo.

That includes you, Ricardo.

Isn't he afraid of whatever is out there?

Ricardo ain't scared of anything.

There's worse things than dying.

We ask you to protect us

from the evil that lurks here.

And we ask

that you take Elmer upon your wings...

and you carry him home.

Amen.

Here you go.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Sam?

-No thanks.

This is excellent, Gloria. Thank you.

You're welcome, young man.

It's nice to make a big meal

every now and then.

Snapping turtle?

Why, yes.

Excuse me.

It's been a long time.

Where did you say you were from again?

Well, actually I grew up

around here, in Otley.

You didn't happen to go to Bienvenu High,

did you?

Yeah, I did.

I moved to New Orleans middle

of my senior year, but I was class of '91.

This is crazy.

I'm Eliza Desir.

I used to pour Gatorade

at all the football games.

Right. Of course, I remember.

You sure must have loved football.

You never missed a practice.

Is this the boy you told me about?

No, Mother.

Because I remember,

his name was Sam something...

and he left town.

She had a crush...

on this one boy in high school.

She asked me to put magic on him once.

-Really?

-Oh, yeah.

Of course, you can't do

something like that for a girl that age.

Not that it would have turned out

any worse, mind you.

Okay, you know, that's really nice.

That comment's about me, isn't it?

That's just lovely.

Would you guys

excuse us for a minute, please?

Excuse me.

Dan, you're being rude.

-You're a guest in my mama's house--

-Look, I'm sorry, okay?

I didn't expect to spend my day off...

bobbing around on a raft

in the middle of the swamp.

I told you where I was from.

Eliza, I thought your mother lived in a cabin

off some river.

This gumbo is really good, Gloria.

Thank you.

It was not!

Would you like some tea?

Dan, I didn't ask for your help.

You offered it.

No, I offered because you implied...

that my assistance was essential

for our dating relationship to progress.

And you knew

I had a motorboat, sweetheart.

The request was therefore implicit.

It was not.

I should have never hooked up

with a lawyer.

Should have never dated a swamp girl.

More turtle soup.

You know, I could use another beer.

Thank you. That's just great.

Thanks.

I'm a paralegal in his office.

Why do you put up with him?

Because I'm a paralegal in his office.

Well, you deserve someone

who's never like that.

Someone who will massage your feet

after a long day...

cook you a nice dinner, read your poetry.

Someone who actually values you...

instead of some jerk who comes home

expecting a blowjob.

Yeah, where am I supposed to find

a guy like that?

Who says I'm talking about a guy?

But, you know, it's funny.

Man or woman...

you still end up

spending the same amount of time...

with your head stuck

between someone's legs.

Sam, what you drinking?

Just some tea your mother made me.

It's delicious.

What kind of tea, Ma?

Just an old family recipe.

Mind your business, girl.

Just keep on bickering

with your white devil there.

Excuse me.

I really appreciate that, you know.

That's the kind of attitude that got me--

What kind of tea, Ma?

What the hell?

Honey, I think I see something.

I'm just gonna go....

Hey, Bobbi, get out here.

I just saw something.

Roland, what is it?

I don't know. I just saw it.

Oh, my God!

Bobbi, what happened?

He was near the water....

His f*cking head is missing.

-Bobbi, what happened?

-Something came out of the water!

-Sam.

-Oh, sh*t.

It's here. It followed us back.

No, Bobbi, stay away from the edge!

We'll come get you!

I can't stay here!

Just take it easy.

Don't let it take me!

Please, don't let it take me!

Help!

Help me!

Don't move, Bobbi. Stay in the boat.

Oh, God.

-Hurry!

-Swim!

Come on!

Come on!

sh*t! Hurry up!

Come on, Bobbi!

Come on!

Did you see that f*cking thing?

Now we know what could decapitate

a 12-foot alligator.

This is all my fault.

-It's not your fault.

-I knew--

If it's anybody's fault, it's ours.

It must have followed us from the wreck.

It's nobody's fault. It's an animal.

It's doing what animals do.

It's no more evil than any other predator.

She's right. We've got to get off the water.

Start your boat. It's the biggest

and the fastest, we may outrun it.

f*ck you. I'm not getting in that thing.

Did you see what it just did to Bobbi?

Give me the keys.

Okay. Fine.

Mary. Eliza. Get ready to cast off.

As soon as I start the engine,

everybody pile in.

What about Ricardo?

He won't go.

sh*t, man! My f*cking boat!

It's attacking everything that moves.

Everybody be quiet.

We don't have a choice.

All right. We're gonna have to k*ll it.

It's the only way

we're going to get out of here.

Gloria, do you have any sort of w*apon?

Did John have a g*n?

No, it's gone.

Man, we are f*cking fish food.

Shut up.

Bobbi and Roland's houseboat,

that's factory made.

Does it still run?

I don't know. I think so.

Sam, you're out of your mind.

That will never hold you.

I don't see any other options.

I'm the smallest one,

and I'm not getting in that.

I can do it. I've done it before.

When you was 12 or 13.

You sure you want to do this?

Yeah.

Hold on!

Eliza, hurry.

Eliza, are you all right?

Yeah. I'm fine.

Come on, you fucker.

Roland, you stoner assh*le!

How many times have we sh*t it?

It should be dead by now.

Really? Well, it's not.

That was it for a*mo.

Looks like Roland was working

on the engine...

but he was too stoned to finish it.

Ricardo, get away from the edge.

Get away from it, Ricardo! sh**t it!

Jesus Christ.

Ricardo?

You k*lled that thing.

-That is not a shark.

-No, I've never seen anything like it.

That's good.

Oh, God.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

That thing ate Bobbi.

That's just wrong.

What smells delicious?

Oh, f*ck.

So, I guess we're having

fillet of swamp monster?

It k*lled my brother!

You thought you were king of the swamp...

until I ripped out your heart, m*therf*cker!

He's talking to the dead fish.

John, this is for you!

Look out!

Oh, God!

There's another one?

Who knows how many there are?

It can breathe out of the water?

How the f*ck can it do that?

It must have a vestigial air lung.

Like Chinese Snakeheads.

They can live out of water for days.

They're voracious.

They took over a lake in Maryland

a couple of years ago...

and the Wildlife and Fisheries people

had to poison the lake.

-They were scared--

-It's a monster! It's not a fish!

f*ck. What's going on?

-You got it?

-Yeah.

-Don't see anything.

-Let's get on it.

f*cking amateurs.

-Nothing?

-What we want ain't here.

What about our mules?

They're here, all right.

Bits and pieces of them, anyway.

Then we're f*cked.

Son, if your prey were that easy to find,

it wouldn't be hunting.

It'd be shopping.

What do we do now?

My God!

Are you okay, Eliza?

What the hell are we going to do?

Wait. I know how we can get out of here.

All we have to do is get over to Ricardo's--

Oh, sh*t!

The house sh*t her. This is insane!

Shut up!

May you find your wings...

to carry you home.

What just happened?

What do I do?

What the hell was that?

Let's go, boys.

My God! Is she alive?

Sam! Hurry!

Come this way.

Get the ladder, boy!

Get up on the roof!

Come on, Gloria!

Oh, God!

We need to get up on the roof.

I need you to help me. Let's go.

Oh, sh*t!

Okay, this is not good.

It's attacking the boat!

I think it's sinking the houseboat.

No. This is not happening.

Oh, God!

Excuse me.

But I'm f*cking sinking over here!

-Jesus, we got to get off the f*cking water.

-Really?

f*ck me.

Now it's sinking it.

Wait! No! It's really sinking.

Just hold on, Eliza.

Hey, can you hold yourself?

I just want to see if I can

look inside Ricardo's.

-He's got to have something in there.

-No, what are you talking about?

lt'll be okay. Just look out for me.

Just look out for me.

-Sam, don't.

-No, I'll be okay.

-It's gonna k*ll you, Sam.

-Trust me.

We're f*cking fish food, man!

Here, I found a flare g*n.

-What's that noise?

-It's a boat!

Hello!

-Hey!

-What?

-Be careful!

-You guys got to watch out!

-What happened here?

-There's something in the water!

f*ck!

Hurry up!

-Come on!

-Come on, man, swim!

What the hell was that?

You've got to swim.

No!

I tried to warn you.

Get out!

Hey, never get out of the boat.

Now tell me exactly what happened here.

It destroyed my motorboat,

and then it sank these houseboats.

Then it k*lled everybody.

-Tell me, how many are there?

-We don't know.

We k*lled one, but there's at least one more.

What are those things?

They're genetically engineered

Northern Snakeheads.

-In China, they're a delicacy.

-There's a whole piece here--

-Dan, shut up!

-You talk to him.

You've been eating genetically engineered

salmon for years...

and most people don't even know it.

Some of our friends just took it

one step further.

-This is the result.

-Explain to me, why would you do that?

-Well, son....

-I'm not your son.

There's no thrill to compare with

hunting something that can hunt you back.

When I heard of the possibility of creating

something that's never been seen before...

and something that's

never been hunted before...

that's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity,

and I took it.

That's f*cking crazy.

There she blows!

-Hit it?

-Yeah, I got it.

It's gonna be okay now.

Look, we've waited long enough.

The tranq should've taken effect by now.

You pumped it with enough of that

to drop a rhino.

Two rhinos.

Dude, then let's go.

Ten more minutes,

and we'll be in the water anyway.

No. You're crazy, man.

That thing will take your f*cking head off.

So, we all hit the water at the same time,

swim for the fan boat.

Even if it isn't knocked out,

it can't get all of us.

-No.

-Let's do it.

Oh, sh*t!

Where's Anton!

sh*t!

Nice sh**ting, thank you.

Get out. There may be more.

There ain't no more of them here.

Don't worry about it, honey.

Get aboard. Time to finish her off,

before we lose her.

You guys can't leave us out here like that.

It's wounded, we can track it now.

We need to go back to town, bring back

enough firepower to k*ll that thing.

We've got all the gear we need.

Y'all can stand there,

or you can come with us.

Excuse me?

I want to go home.

All right.

But once y'all get aboard my boat...

you do what I say, you understand?

Let's go. Come to Daddy.

Yeah. We're home!

There's some more blood!

You don't waste any time, do you?

Shut up, Dan.

I'm warning you. She doesn't put out

nearly as quickly as you think.

Shut up, Dan.

More blood.

Look. What is that?

-Now what?

-Now we go get it.

Forget it.

This is your safari, you go drag it out.

You know what?

I'm going to have my hands full

holding this g*n.

And seeing that I don't feel like hauling

his sorry drunk ass in there with me...

it's either going to be you or her.

-I'll go.

-Excellent.

Ben, time to cowboy up, my friend.

The guy's a d*ck.

You first.

Be careful, Sam.

Hey, you.

Go on, get in there.

Get in there.

-How many?

-God damn it, Ben.

Did you see how big that female was?

The male could be 25 feet long.

-What's he talking about?

-Nothing, keep going.

Move it.

Move on. Go on, get in there.

Wait, what are you doing?

There it is.

That flare must've k*lled it. It looks dead.

Come on. You get over there

and cover me, man.

You don't know that

that thing could put it out.

I tripled the dose. It's enough for a whale.

Now, come on.

-You don't know that.

-Are you saying there's another one?

I'm trying to start this engine

so we can go get Sam...

and leave those two assholes

to their monster.

You never told me you could do that.

I bought three. Two of them are dead.

And I'm bringing the last one

home with me, alive.

-Get over there, Ben.

-Don't tell me what to do!

You two are pretty damn stupid.

Just do as I say, everything will be fine.

Come on.

Ben!

-Forget this.

-You stay exactly where you are.

We've seen what your swamp monster

does to people.

So, if you want to sh**t me, sh**t me.

Eliza! We've got to get out of here!

Help!

Christ, let's go!

Go, man! Go!

Dan!

Sam!

Hand me the oar!

All right, take the stick

and head for those trees!

-And get ready to jump!

-What do you mean, jump?

Just do it!

Eat this, you freak!

Jump!

-That was a good idea.

-Thanks.

You know, you look great

for a girl covered in giant fish brains.

Yeah?

Yeah.

We'll see how you feel tomorrow

after the tea wears off.

Eliza, I have a confession to make.

I just pretended to drink the tea.

I've had that stuff before, it tastes like sh*t.

Liar.

Let's go back and check on Dan.

He might still be alive.

-Yeah?

-Well, it's not too far of a swim.

Oh, God! Oh, f*ck!

Okay, now I'm sober.

Hi, little fishy.

You look like....

No!

Oh, my God!