(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(OVER RADIO) Command,
this is Captain Irons.
I got a visual on a UAP
in close, bearing 310.
WOMAN: Roger, Irons. We
don't see anything on the scope.
CAPTAIN IRONS: I've never
seen anything maneuver like that.
Turning inland towards the park.
WOMAN: Our scope is still
clear. Does IFF show us blocked?
CAPTAIN IRONS: Negative,
that's moving too fast.
Permission to engage now.
WOMAN: Disengage
and back off, Irons.
Repeat, do not engage.
Acknowledge.
CAPTAIN IRONS: No
can do. I need a closer look.
(WHOOSHES)
(GROANS)
(LAUGHING)
Too much mustard.
I thought we were friends.
CHARLIE: We are
friends. (LILY CHUCKLES)
What are you doing?
I hit him with a little
too much mustard.
Yeah, you think?
I wish I could make him
laugh like that.
What can I say? Daddy's boy.
Key to his heart is fake pain.
(LOUD RUMBLING)
(DISTANT expl*si*n)
Come here, Charlie. Come on.
It's okay, honey.
It's okay. It's okay.
Here, stay with Charlie
and call 911.
Jack, come on, stop.
What are you doing? (SOFTLY)
The nearest town's an hour away.
If I don't try to help,
who will?
It's okay, I'll be right
back. Okay. Okay, go, go.
Yeah, it's probably
just fireworks.
(ENGINE ACCELERATING)
(GASPS)
(EXHALES)
God. I'm sorry.
You okay? Sorry,
I didn't see you. Hey.
You all right?
Hey. What's your name, buddy?
Irons.
What?
Captain Sean Irons.
U.S. Air Force.
Are you alone? What happened?
No, we had a collision.
Collision?
With what?
JACK: Are you sure you're okay?
(IRONS BREATHING HEAVILY)
(EXHALES)
Is that a... UAP.
What? Unidentified
Aerial Phenomenon.
UFO wasn't working for you guys?
I've been waiting a long time
to see one of these up close.
This technology's gonna
change everything.
Hey, there's something moving.
FEMALE VOICE: Analyzing planet.
FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE:
Guardian denied.
Guardian accepted.
Pairing.
Self-destruct initiated.
Watch it!
(GASPS) Come here.
FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE:
Analyzing planet.
FEMALE NEWSCASTER: No
one has claimed responsibility
for tonight's daring rescue
of 15 kidnapped schoolgirls.
But eyewitnesses report
yet another sighting
of the hero dubbed The Guard.
MALE NEWSCASTER: Crime
rate is actually going down.
Overall crime has dropped
four percent.
CHARLIE: Hey, Daddy!
Come play catch with me.
JACK: Look, I'm sorry.
How about next week?
LILY:
I can't do this anymore, Jack.
JACK: Charlie,
we're still a family.
In breaking news, another
possible Guard sighting.
The Guard is using
alien technology.
The laws of thermodynamics
and physics just don't even apply.
And I can find the power
source, but I need resources.
Looking at you, Ansel Argon,
CEO of Argon Industries.
CHARLIE: (SOFTLY) You messed
with the wrong superhero.
Bad guy, you better
say your prayers.
TEACHER: Charlie?
Guard's gonna kick your butt.
TEACHER: Charlie!
(STUDENTS GIGGLING)
You're up.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) The nuc... No.
Well, my presentation isn't
about any of these energy sources,
it's actually about a new one,
which happens to be
the world's greatest hero,
The Guard.
(MOUTHING) No.
Charlie, how is this relevant?
Everybody's talking
about how The Guard
stopped that nuclear meltdown
in India, right?
Or how he saved
those kids in Taiwan,
or stopped that jet from
crashing in Brazil.
But nobody's talking
about how he did it.
He's got some kind of
new energy source,
and it's not any of these...
Uh...
Hey. Am I at the right place?
TEACHER:
You must be Maya Monroe?
Class, this is our new
transfer student from Turkey,
so please do not mock any
strange customs that she...
She used to go here.
(BURPS)
(STUDENTS TITTERING)
Whatever.
Miss Monroe, take a seat.
Charlie, you can continue,
and please
bring this back
to the subject at hand.
(WHISPERS) What?
(WHISPERS) I don't know.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
BOY1: Finally. You know what?
BOY 2: That's the stupidest
thing I've ever heard.
TEACHER: Test tomorrow.
(STUDENTS GROANING)
BOTH: Berger! Berger! Berger!
My parents are so embarrassing.
(CONTINUES) Berger! Berger!
At least your dad shows up.
Mine's at a never-ending
IT conference.
Look. BERGER: Hey.
Lizzie with Maya.
Nine o'clock. (BURPS)
So my elementary school
BFF just showed back up
after, like, years of
traveling the world.
So jealous.
What's your at?
I'm not on social media.
What?
Okay. Well, what
are your interests?
Um, lock picking,
Norwegian Death Metal
and I can field-strip
an M4 blindfolded.
Okay.
You ask Lizzie to the dance yet?
Not yet.
Women like it when you
leave things till the last minute.
Where'd you hear
that? Yo! Berger...
Mom wanted me to bring
you your fan, so, here.
Take it.
You ever think about how
you call him Berger,
but that's your last name, too?
That's why I go as
Big Mac, because, uh,
I'm the tastiest Berger. Okay.
GIRL: Wow,
this is a real blowout.
COACH HAMMER: Let's go, Forrest.
Charlie Kincaid.
Uh, Coach? I think you, um,
accidentally said
my first and last name?
You're in. We need a lefty.
BOY: Man, that's a big kid.
Who is that?
That's Forrest Deal.
They call him "The Sequoia."
BOY: Now pitching
is Charlie Kincaid.
COACH:
Crafty Kincaid, look alive.
Come on, Forrest! Let's go!
I heard he bullies
his own parents.
(CHUCKLES)
BOY: Good luck, Charlie.
I heard that
his stare is so deadly
he can't even look
himself in the mirror.
LIZZIE: Let's go, Charlie!
You got this.
Didn't know this was
the Peewee Leagues.
Didn't know they allowed
steroids in middle school.
BOY: Come on, Charlie.
BERGER: Please don't k*ll my friend.
All right, let's go, Forrest.
(GRINNING) Crush it.
(CROWD CHANTING)
Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!
(GROANS) Ooh.
BOY: That's gonna leave a mark.
Charlie. His mama gonna be mad.
(SONG PLAYING)
This song again?
Can we just change...
No. No, we can't.
Plus we all know
this song's a classic.
BERGER: No one knows that.
CHARLIE: Oh, God.
BIG MAC: No, okay, well,
my car, my music.
All right?
(SOFTLY) My life is over.
Uh, that's 24.
That's right on the fence.
You wanna go for it?
Nah. They're just kids.
Let 'em go.
I hate kids.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER
ON POLICE RADIO)
Even my own.
BERGER: Bye, Charlie.
FEMALE NEWSCASTER: But eyewitnesses
report yet another sighting of...
What? ...The hero
dubbed The Guard.
Once again authorities have found
no fingerprints and no other evidence
with the exception of strange patterns
left on the scene. Now a trademark...
Hey. How was the game?
Of Guard's sightings.
Another Guard sighting? Yeah.
What is The Guard exactly?
Is it a lone vigilante or...
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hey. Did you pack a bag
for your dad's yet?
We both know he's gonna cancel.
Hey! Hey, Jack. Hey.
Joining us tonight is Ansel
Argon, CEO of Argon Tactical.
His business has been uniquely
impacted by the so-called Guard,
who has ushered
a new era of peace
leaving many countries to...
Yeah, I saw.
NEWSCASTER:
Your company, Argon Tactical,
recently reported
operating losses
for the first time
in 13 years, so...
That's not true.
I think it is. No, that's
definitely not true.
JACK: Just push it to next
week, the celebration. (SIGHS)
Jack, come on, I'm
I'm sorry.
Don't do this to me today.
I am so sick of
all these excuses.
JACK: I'm sorry. It's
my job. All right, well
I'm dropping him off at 6:00,
so you better be there.
Okay. Okay. Yeah, bye.
Let me guess.
Another "IT conference"?
Rescheduling for next month?
No! He's really excited
to see you tonight.
I bet he doesn't even
remember my birthday.
Of course, he does.
Come on, go, go get
your bag packed
and maybe take a shower.
If The Guard continues to erode
the need for a defense industry
will there be panic
at companies like yours?
I'll... I'll give you a better
question that you could have asked.
With zero oversight
what happens if The Guard
has a bad day?
LILY: Look, he's there
waiting for you.
CHARLIE: Why are we doing this?
LILY: Hey. All right!
Hi. LILY: Hey.
He looks a little older,
I can tell.
He's really happy about
it. Very happy to be here!
Okay, you wanna just
put that stuff inside
and I'll meet you in there?
I feel like I'm in trouble.
No, no, no, he had a rough day.
Um, candles are in the bottom.
My favorite! Try not
to eat 'em all tonight.
We'll do our best, no promises.
This isn't gonna last forever,
Jack, you know that, right?
Before we know it, he's
gonna be grown up and
you're gonna be begging
him to return your calls.
You don't have to
convince me. Okay?
I want to spend more
time with him, I really do.
I've just been busy.
There are some things that are
more important than work, Jack.
Okay? I know.
Talk to him. Yeah.
Tonight.
Been a while. Yes.
I like what you've not
done with the place.
I'm going for that kinda
single-dad short-term rental feel.
Where's that funny mug
I got you?
Uh, it's around here somewhere.
Listen, Charlie,
sorry about the game.
Missed my connecting
flight in Denver
and in-flight Wi-Fi
was screwed up.
But I got you something.
It's okay, you don't
have to bribe me.
Yes, I do have to bribe you.
And I'm gonna be...
I'm gonna bribe you.
Wait right here!
Okay, Charlie. My old mitt.
Now, I have been
saving this for you,
and I think now is the time.
I'm a lefty, Dad.
Oh, yeah. That's right.
Sorry about that, I...
Well, if you could
have anything,
what else would you want?
I just want to go camping again.
Like we used to?
That's a great idea. Well, as
soon as things slow down at work,
we're gonna do that.
In the meantime.
I got this Nintendo Switch.
I know you don't like
bribes. I accept bribes.
JACK: Keep it going,
keep it going, keep it going.
Three, two, one... go!
Home run! Dinger!
Boom, boom, boom, boom...
And now pizza!
We got to do it in three,
two, one. Two, one.
Ah, come on.
Does this game not have HBT?
What's an HBT? You
know, Hidden Ball Trick?
You know that one, right?
Where the first baseman
pretends to throw it to the pitcher,
and then when the base runner
takes a little lead off first
and he's right there, then
he grabs it with a... What?
Hey. Cheater. And
they get him right there...
No, no, hold on. That's
cheating. You're wasting all my...
Give it back. You're making
me lose. Look what you did.
Ah. (CHUCKLES)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Sorry. Let me just get this.
Okay.
Hurry up.
JACK: Hey.
Sorry that took so long.
Let me guess. Something at work.
Yeah, that was my boss. I gotta
I guess there's an emergency,
so I'm gonna have to...
There's always an emergency.
Why can't you just cancel,
like you always do?
Charlie, listen,
I know this sucks.
I wanna stay here
and celebrate with you.
But, I gotta go. You have to
believe me when I say it's important.
Yeah, I know.
More important than me.
No, that's not what I'm saying.
You only had me over
because Mom forced you to.
Just be honest!
You want me to be honest?
Yeah. That's all I want.
Listen. I'm gonna be back
in a couple days, tops. Okay?
And we're gonna sit down,
and I'm gonna explain things
in a way that I hope that you're gonna
understand what's been happening.
Oh, I understand fine.
You're just a crappy dad.
Charlie...
Well, you can't be
here by yourself.
Let me call Mom
and she'll come pick you up.
CHARLIE:
Nah, I got it. I got it.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hey, Mom.
Uh, hold on to your hat.
Dad has a work emergency,
so can you come pick me up?
Yeah, I know, it's a bummer.
Okay.
She'll be here in ten minutes.
You don't have to wait.
Listen. I know.
I'm not a baby anymore, Dad.
Okay, I'll see you later.
Fanny pack.
Can't forget that.
I love you.
I'll see you in a couple days.
(DOOR CLOSES)
You still there?
I love it when you
call me "Mom".
Now, let's throw a rager.
Yeah, let's throw a rager.
Wait, what is a rager?
(MOUTHING SONG)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(IN FEMALE VOICE) Hey, Berger.
Hi.
Oh, crap.
(MOUTHING)
What are you doing here?
Berger said I could borrow your
notes for that stupid test tomorrow.
Also, he said your dad
abandoned you
and you're listening
to Anne Murray alone.
All right, let's get this
rager started.
(MUSIC SWITCHES)
LIZZIE: Much better.
(WHISPERS) Dude, what the hell?
Uh, chicks dig sob stories.
Why did you bring 'em
here at all?
I'm sorry, I didn't know you
wanted to have a one-on-one rager.
Maya does not like me.
She left the country
because of me.
BERGER: If that were true,
she wouldn't be here right now.
Take a deep breath in.
And now breathe into your hands
and tell me how
your breath smells.
(SNIFFS) It's good. Okay.
Now, use some of that
sweet, sweet breath
and ask Maya to the dance.
No.
Do you ladies want
a sugary beverage?
LIZZIE: Lead the way.
Wait. It's your birthday
tomorrow?
You remember my birthday?
No, it's on the photo.
Cool. Cool.
I don't like to make a big deal.
I always find
birthdays disappointing.
Birthdays with
divorced parents suck.
Tell me about it.
My dad is the king
of thoughtless airport gifts.
Do you know how many butt
pillows I have at home?
I think those are neck pillows.
There's only two forks?
What is this guy,
a serial k*ller?
I want to, um
address the
I don't know if you
remember fifth grade?
Yeah, what happened
in fifth grade?
I feel really bad
about what I did.
And I don't, um, know
how to say this.
But... What's happening?
What's happening is
I'm trying to open up.
No, like, behind you.
That's what I'm trying to say.
Berger? Lizzie?
I hit the balls and it
opened up and I can't...
It's okay, I understand.
Your dad's a freak.
Whoa.
Wait. Careful, careful.
BERGER: How do we open it?
We need a code.
This is just like an escape
room. Scan the room for clues.
It's numerical.
So that rules out
childhood pets, birthplace.
When's your parents'
anniversary?
They're divorced.
LIZZIE: How about
your dad's birthday?
November 18th.
(BEEPS)
LIZZIE: Or...
Better yet, the birthday
of a loved one. Nothing.
Hey, Happy Almost Birthday.
0-4-0-7-0-8.
(UNLOCKING BEEP)
(WHIRRING)
BERGER: Hello. LIZZIE: Whoa.
Looks like an elevator.
What, to go upstairs?
That's kinda lazy, isn't it?
Why is there only one button?
Please don't touch...
(ALL SCREAMING)
My guts are floating.
(ALL SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
MAYA: How far
down did we go? Far.
Yeah... I'm okay.
MAYA: Whoa, this place is big.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Headquarters activating.
Come on.
BERGER: How far down are we?
This is so tight.
This is beyond tight.
This is the tightest.
Look at that.
CHARLIE:
Come on, guys, over here.
BERGER: Whoa, what's this?
MAYA: Okay, how could
he have built this?
We're, like, a hundred miles
underground.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Welcome.
(BEEPING)
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Mission in progress.
"Current location: New Zealand."
LIZZIE: That's far away.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Mission archive.
Plane crash in Brazil.
Nuclear meltdown in India.
That was all over the news!
Tsunami in Japan.
The thing in
the Empire State Building.
These are all
The Guard's missions.
We're in The Guard's
secret headquarters.
Which is under your dad's house.
Do you realize what this means?
It means my dad
works for The Guard.
No. Dude.
It means your dad is The Guard.
What?
No.
My dad is not The Guard. The
Guard is like the greatest hero ever.
BERGER: Okay. My dad
can't handle hot wings.
Yeah. I've seen him
without his shirt on.
He can barely swim.
Okay. My dad is not The Guard.
MAYA: Somebody's in denial.
Hey, guys.
Does The Guard wear
a fanny pack?
IRONS: Lost it again.
Signal blocker's too strong.
Run it again.
Simulate its origin.
On it.
So, Irons, where do we stand
on finding The Guard's source?
We'll find it, all right?
Relax. We just need more time.
Time?
You've had time.
You've had years.
Sooner or later,
it becomes binary, okay?
You either found it
or you haven't.
And you haven't. And that's
why I'm pulling the plug.
You're f*ring me?
Oh, I'm not just f*ring you.
No, no, I'm f*ring everybody.
I'm f*ring that guy,
f*ring him, her.
She's all right, he's cool.
I know what happened that night.
And I know I've lost everything
trying to prove that it's real.
My credibility, my
career. My money.
My own government tried to
destroy me for asking questions.
Why do you think that is?
Listen, I love that story.
The uniform, the woods, the
bad man who stole the orb,
how you got your little boo-boo.
I get it. Tell it
to someone else.
As soon as The Guard makes
a mistake, we'll find the Source.
If there's one thing I
learned about The Guard
it's he doesn't make mistakes.
All right, you got till the end
of the week to shut this down.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Printing in progress.
Wow. Cool lasers.
Escape hatch
panel number 13 complete.
BERGER:
Look, it's building itself.
LIZZIE: Some kind of
3D printer from space.
Ooh, tell it to print a fake ID.
BERGER: Can it print
Britney Spears?
Hasn't she been through enough?
Can't print people.
Looks like only a few things
to choose from.
Uh, Maya, I think you
pressed the wrong button.
Yeah. Emergency shutoff.
CHARLIE: This is a bad idea.
LIZZIE: Uh, here, try this button.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Transferring
to charging station.
Nice material.
Oh, what's this?
BERGER: Looks like a magic wand.
Whoa.
(GASPS)
Looking good, Hermione.
It's not a magic wand,
it's a magnet wand.
What?
(SCOFFS)
It's a HUD.
A what? A heads-up display.
I wonder what this button does?
(LIZZIE SCREAMING)
Help me! Berger!
Berger! It's not a backpack!
CHARLIE: Hold on,
I'm coming! Turn it off!
Pull me down, Maya! Okay,
hang on, hang on, I got...
Whoa! BERGER: Lizzie, careful!
(LIZZIE SCREAMING)
You okay? That was awesome.
That was crazy. You guys okay?
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Target applying.
Oh, shh...
(MAYA GRUNTS)
LIZZIE: Oh, my God, Maya!
I k*lled Maya. You k*lled Maya.
I k*lled Maya. You k*lled Maya!
She's okay. You're okay.
That was awesome.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Shrink to fit.
Stylish and functional.
BERGER: Guys, check this out!
(ALL SCREAMING)
LIZZIE: Where's his head?
It's DJ Berger, the headless
assassin comin' at you live!
Berger?
Guys! Guys! Look over here.
BERGER: Ooh, I look good today.
How?
It's amazing!
You put your head through
one magic portal thingy
and it comes out the other.
Oh, my gosh.
Ooh, what's that?
(ALARM CHIRPS)
(ALL SCREAMING)
AUTOMATED VOICE: G-mobile
summoned. Ready for mission.
This is sick.
LIZZIE: You still think your
dad's The Guard's butler?
Uh...
You okay?
What? Yeah, I, um.
I'm just ready
to get outta here.
Right, 'cause it kinda looks
like you broke something.
Yeah, I guess I don't
know my own strength.
(FLAMINGO PLAYING)
Hey. Now that we're alone,
I just wanted you to know that
I've been picking up on your signal...
And... What?
Yes. I would love to go
to the dance with you.
Aww.
Thank you for
the completely random
and utterly
last-minute offer, Berger.
Truly.
But, I already have a date.
Who? An older
guy, more my speed.
You're a little young for me.
But we're the same age.
CHARLIE: Guys, we gotta put
everything back where we found it.
Nobody can know we were in
here. (MOUTHING INDISTINCTLY)
You know we have that
test tomorrow, anyway.
That class was so easy.
I wish I could take it for you.
About that.
I kind of have a crazy idea.
(BURPS)
A covert mission.
But, we're gonna need to
borrow a few gadgets.
TEACHER: You have five
minutes to complete this test.
No phones.
Cheaters will be prosecuted.
LIZZIE: "Maya."
No problem.
You ready to chop down
the Sequoia?
(MOUTHING) What the hell?
VIRGINIA: We got a hit.
It's strong.
Hawaii, Irons, you seeing this?
That was awesome.
She didn't even notice.
TEACHER:
Excuse me, Mister Berger.
Uh...
What was that thing
you put in your locker?
It was a sculpture
I made for art class.
I got my eyes on you, Berger.
Very challenging test,
thank you. Anytime.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, Coach? Yeah.
Put me in.
You sure about that?
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
PLATE UMPIRE: Strike one!
That was pretty fast.
This is the lifeline.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Power increased.
Charlie.
We got a strong flash signal.
Like single-mom strong.
IRONS: This could be it.
This is the prosperity line.
Strike two!
And this is the, uh,
line that tells me
that you don't have
a date to the dance.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Maximum strength.
Do you wanna go with me?
I guess. Yeah, cool.
(CROWD CLAPPING)
Now that's fast.
Strike three. You're out.
(BOTH CHEER)
Shotgun! BERGER:
You owe me a new glove!
LIZZIE: What's next?
(ALL SCREAMING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(SHOUTING) You're an
excellent driver! Thanks!
HAWAII: Is The Guard
doing donuts?
IRONS: Stay on him.
NEWSCASTER: And in breaking
news, another possible Guard sighting.
Local officials
(BEEPING) OFFICER GRANT: 108!
Oh! We got a live one!
Light 'em up!
(SIREN WAILING)
Dispatch, we got
a 10-80 in progress.
Looks like a hippie van
on steroids.
Are those police sirens?
Charlie? Charlie, I need
you to gas it right now!
I can't get arrested! I need
to go to medical school!
Time for some evasive driving.
YOLO!
Hey! Hippie Monster Truck!
Pull over!
Let's dance!
Get outta the road, you idiots.
LIZZIE: Charlie, drive faster!
They're still there!
This is a tactical vehicle. It
must have diversionary features.
All of them, guys,
try all of them!
AUTOMATED VOICE:
a*t*matic machine g*n. Missiles.
Discombobulator on.
Discombobulator off.
HAWAII: It's a full-blown surge.
Lockin' on.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Engaging smoke screen.
Is that smoke? It's smoke bombs.
I can't be near smoke,
I have asthma.
(SCREAMING) Roll up the window!
What is that, anthr*x?
Let me have some.
MAYA: What else do we have here?
LIZZIE: Come on try something.
Figure something out.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Magnetic
pulse activated. MAYA: Magnet activated.
Whoa.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Connection
established. CHARLIE: Woo-hoo!
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Magnets bonded. Stop!
Nice driving, Kincaid!
Yeah, I play Mario Kart
at a very high level!
It's unblocked.
Yep, there he is. Got him!
All right, pull up the map.
VIRGINIA: He must've
made a mistake.
Hell yeah, he did.
Tell the team we're mission go.
We got him.
CHARLIE:
Driving's not that hard.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
You guys go down.
I'll be there in a sec.
BERGER: Okay. Don't be too long.
Hey, Charlie, uh, I'm sorry,
things are more
complicated than we thought.
So, I'm gonna have to extend
this trip for a few more days
but I will see you
the following week
and happy birthday. I really...
BERGER: Hey, Maya, go long.
I got it! LIZZIE: Oh, no!
Guys, I think it's dead!
CHARLIE: Lizzie!
Okay.
MAYA: Ow.
That was amazing.
I'm gonna go upstairs
and make a phone call.
(BURPS)
(GRUNTS)
I can't believe...
So I was thinking...
Sorry, you go first.
I was just gonna say it.
It must be weird, huh?
Knowing your dad has,
like, a sci-fi man cave.
Yeah, it is weird.
Thanks for asking.
It's like we don't even
know each other.
I thought he worked
at a Genius Bar.
And he thought I was a righty.
Well, I didn't forget.
Happy birthday.
You fixed it?
Thanks.
(WHISPERS) Formation.
HAWAII: What do they call you?
Wisconsin. I'm Hawaii.
Aloha.
Shh.
Oh.
Everyone on alert here, okay?
Yeah, careful, this could be
Freddy Krueger's house.
You seeing any security?
No, I see defenses.
They just seem to be
disarmed at the moment.
Signal's comin' from inside.
Move.
(HUMMING TUNE)
Clear. Clear.
Smells good.
Feels like we're breaking
into a Pottery Barn.
What are we stealing, Irons?
You'll know when you see it.
Oh. I have this lamp.
I get why he couldn't tell the
world about his secret identity.
But...
Why couldn't he tell me?
Am I that untrustable?
Certainly weren't
in the fifth grade.
So you do remember.
How could I forget?
Robbie Fernandez's
birthday party.
You and I almost kiss.
You chicken out. And you
tell everyone I have bad breath.
It wasn't true. There's
nothing wrong with your breath.
I know, 'cause I have
amazing breath,
but you do know the
nickname Moldy Mouth Maya
followed me around, right?
And that's why
you left the country.
What? No, my mom got
transferred, you dingus.
(BEEPING)
I'm getting an electromagnetic
pulse from below the house.
WOMAN: We checked.
There's no basement.
Hey, you guys are gonna
wanna check out his office.
It has a great feng shui
and a secret elevator.
Sick, right?
We are in the right place.
What's up, guys?
Welcome to MTV Cribs
with your boy, Barry Berger.
And right now
I'm in my secret HQ,
which kinda rocks, pun intended.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
Must be Lizzie?
When did Lizzie
get a flashlight?
(WHISPERS) Something's
wrong. We gotta move, come on.
(KEYPAD BEEPS)
(DIGITAL BEEPING)
And, uh, yeah, this is where
the magic happens.
I don't really know what this
room... (MUFFLED SCREAMING)
Shh.
Okay, we gotta hide. There
are people here with g*ns.
(NERVOUSLY) The Mafia? Shh!
No. They look
paramilitary to me.
How could you tell?
Equipment.
I saw a Sig Sauer MDX,
Zev Dragonfly Glock 17,
Plate Carriers,
and grenades. Wow.
We gotta get Lizzie
and... (GASPS)
Oh, my God, Lizzie.
MAN: (ON PHONE)
I'm wearing a vest now,
I'm really looking forward...
Mm hmm.
All right. Well, remember not to make
a big deal when you get here, okay?
IRONS: The Guard's on
a mission in Japan. So...
It looks like we just
missed him then.
Let's get this object and
get the heck outta here.
Um...
Looks like we got company.
IRONS: Well, whoever it is,
it's not him.
They might be after the
same thing we are, though, so...
Let's make sure
they don't b*at us to it.
CHARLIE: What are we gonna do?
(WHISPERS) I have an idea.
We hide until Charlie's dad
gets back and saves us.
How long is he gone for again?
He said he could be
a couple of days.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) A couple
as in two or a couple as in ten?
'Cause the human body can
survive three days... A couple
literally means two.
Guys, come on, Lizzie's up
there and we gotta help her.
How? The only way
out is the elevator.
The garage. That's where
the camper van came out of.
There must be an
exit, right? Let's go.
Whoever's down here,
we're gonna smoke 'em out.
You and Wisconsin
sweep the perimeter. Yeah.
Jersey, you and Hawaii set
the signal jammer upstairs.
Make sure no one's
hidin' out up there
and no one takes
as much as a piss
without talkin' to me
first, you got that?
WISCONSIN: Copy that.
Starting now.
He's got one of those
little fancy Japanese toilet
motion-sensor things
that spray the...
Yeah. Get upstairs.
Copy that.
WISCONSIN: Move. Let's go!
JERSEY: You heard him.
Let's move.
Just text me when you're here
and I'll come outside.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Lockdown initiated.
Hurry up!
In five, four, three...
BERGER: Go, go, go.
Two, one.
WISCONSIN: Did
you hear that? Yeah.
On me.
(WHISPERS) Go back.
Argon, we found the place.
ARGON: And what?
But we got a problem.
Yeah, what is it?
You'll wanna get over
here ASAP. I'm on my way.
(GASPS)
(PANTING)
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Power source removed.
Where are you hiding?
(LIZZIE WHIMPERING)
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Generating predictions.
BERGER: Charlie. Charlie.
Charlie. Huh?
MAYA: Come on!
IRONS: Whoever is here,
I know you can hear me.
We have this place locked down
so there is no escape.
We've come
to retrieve an object,
and we followed the
energy trail to this exact spot.
So we know it's in here.
The van.
We came for the object, not
you, so you have a choice.
You can just give it to us
and no harm will come to you.
Or you can get in our way
and you will be sorry.
Oh, no.
(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
Where are these intruders?
JERSEY: They're downstairs
and there's someone up here. A girl.
What if she called the cops?
Not possible. I set up
blockers around the house.
Did you block every frequency?
Does Sponge Bob live
in a pineapple?
Looks like we might have to
get our hands dirty tonight.
Hey, k*lling kids is not
a part of my contract.
Hey, hey, hey, whoa. Who
said anything about k*lling kids?
All right, we're gonna find her
and we're gonna scare her, right?
Uh-huh. Good.
'Cause I don't k*ll kids.
No, totally, totally, totally.
But, uh, what about adults?
Adults are fine, right?
Adults are fine.
I k*ll adults all the
time. Yeah, exactly.
One less adult.
(FLOOR CREAKS)
Freeze! (GASPS)
Who are you?
I'm Lizzie McGonagle. Elizabeth.
And I'm 14 years old.
And I look really mature,
but I'm just starting to feel
comfortable in my own skin.
And I'm too pretty to die, okay?
I'm way too pretty to die
and I don't know why
you guys wanna k*ll me.
Because I'm so pretty and I have
so much more of life to live right now.
You guys don't have as
much life to live as I do,
and I really just don't want
you guys to k*ll me.
Please don't k*ll me.
Shh.
Please. (DOORBELL RINGS)
Who is that?
I don't know.
ARGON: Did you call the cops?
No! I swear.
Did you order food?
No, no, it's not food.
There's pizza over there
It's DiGiorno, not delivery.
Who is DiGiorno?
Is that DiGiorno at the door?
No! No. Who is DiGiorno?
I don't know why
you guys are here.
Get her down here.
"We came to retrieve an object."
BERGER: I think
he means that thing.
Yes, obviously
he means that thing.
Okay, where did you go?
I don't know.
It showed me things.
Like a vision.
Whatever it is, it's powerful.
Well, whatever it is,
let's give it to them
and get the hell out of here.
What? No! It's not ours to
give, it belongs to my dad.
Who cares? If we don't give 'em
that thing, they're gonna k*ll us.
Well, they still might
k*ll us even if we do.
I don't trust militias.
BERGER: Then there's
nothing we can do.
Wrong. There is
something we can do.
Defend ourselves!
That's what I'm talking about.
Okay, I lied to you guys.
Listen. It's just my date.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Please let me get rid of him.
He's not part of this.
No one has to get hurt.
Wait, wait. His parents
are both lawyers.
I mean, one is just
a personal injury lawyer,
but still, they'll come
looking for him
and they'll call the police.
You don't wanna deal with
an ambulance chaser, trust me.
BOY: Lizzie! Cover the door.
Wait, wait, wait. You have
60 seconds to get rid of him.
BOY: It's scary out here!
Be cool.
Hi.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Bonsoir, ma cherie.
You look ravishing, as always.
Uh, thanks, Big Mac. Um, so...
(WHISPERING GIBBERISH)
What is that?
Get help! Call the
cops. Get her inside.
JERSEY: That's enough.
Get in here. (BIG MAC YELPS)
Looks like Eugene
just got his license.
Um, can you not call me Eugene?
He likes to be called Big Mac.
g*n. What are you doing here?
Well, what happened was,
um, I came here
to pick up my date...
Right. That's my date.
And, it just so...
It happens that
she has been hangin'
out with my brother
and his friend,
(STAMMERING) Charlie.
That's why I'm here.
So what happened was you (MIMICS
STAMMERING) came here to hang out
with your girl who's also
hangin' out with your...
Brother.
Who then is hanging out with...
Charlie... Charlie,
and his friends.
You don't gotta make
fun of me, but yes.
Perfect.
Just kids, huh?
Irons! When were
you gonna tell me
you found The Guard's
secret headquarters?
I wanted to wait till we
actually had the energy source.
You were waiting.
So where is it?
Missing.
There's someone down here.
Could be security, militia...
Militia?
I mean, whoever it is,
they're highly evasive.
Romeo and Juliet over here
are the teenage militia?
Hi, guys.
Defend ourselves?
How do you expect us to do that?
I have an idea.
Have you guys heard
of guerilla warfare?
Xbox or PS5?
No, actual guerilla warfare.
Using your weaknesses
as strengths?
We're smaller than them,
but we're mobile.
We have home field advantage
and a giant 3D printer.
I say we get the gadgets,
get scrappy,
and fight our way out.
ARGON: Is this thing on? Yeah.
Hi, I'm looking for
a Charlie Kincaid.
I got someone here
who'd like to say hi to you.
LIZZIE: Charlie, these old guys
have g*ns! Do whatever they say.
They got Lizzie.
BIG MAC: Berger, hey, hey, man.
Look, if I die, I'm gonna k*ll you!
ARGON: Dude, shut up.
Give me the Source,
Charlie Kincaid,
or I'll k*ll your friends.
You got it?
BERGER: My brother's here.
They're gonna k*ll
my brother. Give me that.
Berger, I know you're
scared. I am, too.
But we have a plan.
We can fight back. Shh.
Come on, Charlie, you're not
exactly the action hero type.
What am I then,
since you seem to know?
You're a scaredy-cat. And you
know what? Scaredy-cat is good.
Guys. But this is not the
time to play hero cat, okay?
Stick to scaredy-cat. MAYA: Shh!
This coming from a guy
who's scared to leave the house
without a backup inhaler?
With all the asthma, the
celiacs, the tubs of Flonase?
Guys, come on.
You guys are friends.
We're risking our lives
for that rock
so you can prove to your
dad how brave you are.
But guess what? He doesn't care.
He cares more about his job
than he cares about his own son.
(GRUNTS)
MAYA: Guys, stop fighting.
Hey, stop it. You idiots.
This isn't the time for
airing of grievances!
Now let's work together.
No way. I'd rather go Han
Solo than be teamed up with you.
(MUFFLED) His parents
are lawyers.
IRONS: Where is Hawaii?
Busy. Just focus on
finding the Source.
You heard him, guys. Move out.
You, too. Jersey's
gonna babysit.
WISCONSIN: We're clear.
VIRGINIA:
Let's check the next room.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Low power.
(WHISPERING) This one's
dead, too. They're all dead.
IRONS: Virginia,
what's your status?
Have you found anything?
Damn.
Nothin'. And the power
source isn't here.
Find it, please.
Time for phase two? Yep.
ARGON: I can't wait
to blow this place up.
Seriously, I hate this place.
Watch the kiddies. Yeah.
A fanny pack? (SCOFFS)
What can he say?
He looks like a baby.
Sweet. Quarter. He hasn't
even hit his growth spurt...
(SQUEALS)
(GROANING)
I just k*lled someone.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Charging.
This is it. This is The
Guard's energy source.
You literally gave a
presentation about this yesterday.
Ms. Squint owes me an apology.
Do you think I could win
a Nobel Prize from this?
I don't think so. BERGER: Hey!
Who's the hero-cat now,
buttmunchers?
Sorry about what
I said back there.
Your ailments aren't
what make you weak,
they're actually what
makes you strong.
And I'm sorry I
punched you. (SIGHS)
BERGER: That was
a really good apology.
I wasn't ready to forgive you.
I planned on throwing
way more shade.
But, I'm sorry, too.
(GRUNTS)
Hey, I think I saw this
guy on TV yesterday.
Mm-mm.
(MUFFLED) Wait, wait, no, no.
(GROANS)
(PANTING)
Hey, how old are you guys?
Eighteen. Fourteen.
ARGON: It's just you guys down
here? We'll ask the questions.
I say we t*rture him
to get info.
(LAUGHING)
And how do you plan
on torturin' me?
Are you gonna tickle t*rture me?
Like what are you gonna do?
Dude, that was too long!
Does that feel
like tickle t*rture?
That thing's amazing.
Ya wanna sell it?
You wanna see it again? No, no!
No, no, no. You know, okay.
What do you guys
wanna know? Everything.
Okay, that thing?
That glowing thing?
That thing's highly
advanced technology.
It's like otherworldly
technology.
"Otherworldly" as in aliens?
Yeah.
That's what "otherworldly"
means, it's not from this world.
No way. That thing is
clearly designed for humans.
No, that's because it
adapts to its environment.
It's a world builder. It
created this entire place!
I mean, do you think The
Guard built this? Not without that.
Why do you want it?
Because I think that
The Guard has only unlocked
a fraction of its potential.
And you wanna
make weapons out of it.
Ya know what I want it for?
I wanna use it so I can
solve the world's problems.
So why not tell that
to my dad, huh?
You know how many times I've
been on TV asking for his help?
And you know what?
I got ghosted.
I'm familiar with the feeling.
And your dad's being, like,
so selfish right now.
He just wants that
technology all to himself!
I want to share it.
Huh?
Who's the bad guy here?
You are. You guys
look like smart kids.
Just give me the orb
and I'll let you guys go.
I don't trust him. No way.
I'm giving you my word.
Hey, Charlie. Come here.
Hey, man.
Now's your chance to be a hero.
You know? Dude,
don't do it for me.
Do it for her.
I mean, there's definitely
a vibe there.
Do you think?
There's no vibe, Charlie.
It's hot. It's too hot.
It's gotten...
It's uncomfortable.
Don't listen to him.
JACK: Hey, Lily, how you doin'?
LILY: Hey, I was just
callin' to see how it's goin'.
Did you talk?
Yeah, I had a talk.
I didn't have the talk.
To be honest, I just
don't think he's ready.
Jack, I'm so sick
of this superhero shtick.
Listen, if you wanna
be close to him,
then you have to
let him in, okay?
Yeah, you gotta let him in.
Just put Charlie on.
Okay. Put him on where?
What do you mean?
Put him on the phone.
He hasn't picked up
any of my calls.
Right, 'cause he's not with you.
Oh, sh**t.
What?
Because you haven't seen him
since you dropped him off
at my house.
Dang it!
Okay, wait, where is Charlie?
He's right where you left him.
Okay, but...
CHARLIE: We have your boss.
We're a super tough g*ng of
mercenaries, way tougher than you.
Meet us downstairs
for an exchange, losers.
Get up.
LIZZIE: Hey, stop!
JERSEY: God, you're strong.
LIZZIE: Take it easy.
We give you the Source,
and you let us go, right?
All of us. Abso... Yes.
You sure?
(SIGHS)
All right, now release
our friends.
BERGER: Come on,
just let 'em go.
What are you doin' here?
I'm picking up my date.
Really, Lizzie? This is
the older guy? My brother?
How could you? Oh, I have no
autonomy in my own decisions?
You know what?
You both betrayed me.
Betrayed? I didn't
know you liked her.
Charlie, give me the Source.
Oh, come on.
I'm gonna keep it safe,
I promise.
Hey. Be a hero.
Come on.
Thanks, buddy.
It's beautiful.
Lock 'em up.
Put your hands up! What?
You lied to us?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Business, man.
Hey.
Let's keep it under wraps
till we get it to the lab.
You mean after
we show the public.
Ansel, we're not
hiding this anymore.
Well, no, no, of course. We're
gonna share it with the world.
Of course we are. But we don't
want it to fall into the wrong hands.
We can't just turn this over
without proper analysis.
Can you imagine that? Who
would we want to turn it over to?
Right? Wait.
Wait, what? It's fake.
It's a fake!
Charlie!
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Emergency shutoff.
CHARLIE: Just business!
ARGON: Get back here!
Now! WISCONSIN: What the hell?
CHARLIE: Go, go, go! WISCONSIN:
Who's got eyes on the kid?
There's only one exit.
CHARLIE: Let's get to
the elevator, come on.
BERGER: Don't tell 'em
where we're going.
MAYA: Watch out!
Grenade!
(GASPS)
No!
(EXHALES) Gotcha.
Charlie, we're free! Let's go!
Not without the Source.
ARGON: Jersey, toss it to me.
CHARLIE: Hey, Argon!
Playtime's over, kids!
We're not kids!
We're young adults.
And playtime has just begun.
Hear!
Go get 'em.
JERSEY: Catch. ARGON: Toss it.
(BOTH YELLING)
ARGON: Get it, get it!
sh**t 'em!
Nonlethal!
Well, they were sh**ting at us!
Nobody touches the 'fro.
Go!
Lizzie! The Source!
VIRGINIA: Come here!
(GROANS)
Bon voyage!
Charlie!
Hurry up!
Charlie, run!
Come on out.
I said, come out!
Nailed it.
Gimme that ball, little boy.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Malfunction.
Get outta the way, whopper.
Over my dead body.
No!
I said gimme that ball.
What are you doin'?
Getting out of the way.
For what?
(MAYA GRUNTS)
Her. Okay. Let's
get to the elevator.
You sh*t at a kid!
Young adult.
(GROANS)
Hole in one.
Berger! Berger! Let's go!
Let's... Now. Right now.
Let's get...
Hey! Eugene?
What did you call me?
No.
(IN SING-SONG VOICE)
Yoo-hoo. Eugene.
Eugene.
(GASPS)
I told you don't call me Eugene.
att*ck!
Yeah. Take that. Take that.
Do not mess with
the Berger brothers.
Are you ready?
Big Mac att*ck on the scene!
I just did that. My hand kinda
I'm a superhero now, right?
You're great.
CHARLIE: Let's get
to the elevator.
(CHARLIE YELLS)
BERGER: No, no!
Let go of me! No!
Come here! Let go of me.
Charlie... Let's go.
Charlie. We'll press charges!
IRONS: You fought well, kid.
Now hand it over.
I'm not gonna let you
steal from my dad.
Whatever he's told you is a lie.
Charlie, I don't know
if you've noticed,
that's kinda your dad's thing.
Lying.
Isn't it?
He ever tell you anything
about what happened that night
when we found the Source?
Hmm?
He mention that I was
right there with him?
That's me, I'm the guy
who got his face blown off
so your dad can run around
pretendin' he's some damn hero.
Where are you goin'?
Stop running. No!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
You're a liar! That didn't
happen! He found it.
Humanity was given a gift
from the stars that night
and your father
stole it for himself.
No.
You don't really know
your dad, do you?
And you think your dad's a hero?
Not if you saw what I saw, kid.
No! No. AUTOMATED
VOICE: Generating vision.
ARGON: Bravo!
Bravo!
I never doubted
you for a second.
(LAUGHS)
All right,
now bring it down here.
And the kid.
Let's go.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Power low.
Dang it!
I never doubted you for
a second, not one second.
That's why you tried to
fire me yesterday, right?
What do we do with the rugrats?
Get rid of 'em.
What?
m*rder wasn't part
of the plan, Ansel.
Give it to me.
Don't move, Irons.
Nice, huh?
Whoa, my watch!
Go!
LIZZIE: Blast it! Blast it!
BERGER: Big Mac!
Gross! BERGER: Blast it!
LIZZIE: Blast it!
BERGER: Big Mac!
Blast it!
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Portal connection broken.
Put your hands up!
Yeah, put your hands up!
Where's the other portal?
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
Who the heck are you?
Whoa, whoa, don't sh**t!
Don't sh**t.
I'm just the IT guy. I was
alerted to a security breach?
I didn't know it was
Zero Dark Thirty in here.
Hey, what are you doing?
Stay right there!
Let me come down
'cause there's a weird echo.
So we're not shouting
at each other.
What? It's all these
echoes, it's a big space.
Okay, yeah, there is an echo.
I've been tellin' the guy, he's
gotta work on the acoustics.
Is that him? Is that The Guard?
And the cell phone service
is terrible.
Well, I shouldn't say terrible.
It's not where I want it to be.
I'm gonna work on that.
Is that The Guard?
As of right now, you're not
getting the push notifications
and some of the alerts,
although sometimes people
like getting rid of 'em.
Can you hurry up?
Let's turn down the temperature.
JACK: You guys are freakin'
me out with these g*ns.
Okay, are you The Guard?
No. I'm definitely
not The Guard.
I just work for him.
I'm more of a Luigi
than a Mario.
But you need firmware or cyber
security and I'm your Huckleberry.
Okay, then how would you
deal with DDoS malware?
Ya probably wanna hit it with
a little anti-DDoS malware.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Check his purse.
What's in the fanny pack?
Can anybody say front butt?
Nothing, just fanny pack stuff.
I mean, I got some,
you know, lip balm,
sunglasses, hand sanitizer...
Open it.
Slowly.
Yeah, it's a fanny pack.
I mean, see?
Oh, and some gum.
He's got a g*n! (YELPS)
You okay? You okay? Yeah. Yes.
Stay back, stay back! Dad, we...
Listen, Charlie,
I got somethin' to tell you.
Yeah, Dad, Dad... This
may come as a shock
Charlie, please!
I am The Guard.
Oh, my God, really?
Okay, we'll talk more
about it later.
VIRGINIA: What is that?
Get the other fanny pack!
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Power level critical.
Dang it! The suit's outta power.
You could a chosen anything
and you chose a fanny pack?
It's practical.
Hey, guys, we're clear.
One, two!
Go!
Okay, here's the plan.
We're gonna get
you guys to the elevator,
then I'm gonna grab the Source,
recharge the suit. Dad...
What? A little thing
about the Source...
No, wait, Charlie,
please! Look at me.
Charlie, please tell me
they don't have the Source.
He doesn't. Yeah,
we made sure of that.
Great. Yeah.
Charlie employed a
classic diversionary tactic.
He printed a decoy Source
and fooled all the mercenaries.
Really? It was pretty cool.
That does sound cool.
Mr. Kincaid, sorry to interrupt,
and I actually think fanny packs
are having a moment right now...
Thank you. Why just the glove?
Why not the whole suit?
'Cause I ran outta power.
Ya can't get the whole suit
without the power,
that's why I just got the glove.
Okay, so who's got the Source?
I threw it in a portal.
And I kinda zapped it
and it's gone.
Portal? What do you mean,
"zapped it"?
(GROANS)
CHARLIE: No!
MAYA: Mr. Kincaid!
BERGER: Mr. Kincaid!
Dad! LIZZIE: No.
(KUNGFU SOUNDS)
ARGON: Hidin' the suit in a
fanny pack, huh? (JACK GROANS)
CHARLIE: God. Dad!
Clever.
You think that it
only works for you?
You're not special.
You're not the chosen one.
The truth is,
you're the recipient
of dumb luck.
Yeah, you got the suit, but
you don't have the swagger.
You don't think I got swagger?
(FARTS)
Where's the Source?
I'll never tell you.
(LIZZIE SCREAMING)
It's at school in my locker!
Berger! Grab the kid.
Let's get outta here.
I'm changin' the access codes.
Come on!
LIZZIE: No, leave him alone!
MAYA: Berger!
Dad?
(GROANING)
Dad!
(EXHALES) Swagger, damn.
What does he know about swagger?
Ya know what,
set the nano bombs.
And give us enough time
to clear the blast area.
Uh-huh.
Did you just graze me?
Yeah. Don't graze me, bro.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
Can I get the phone? Uh-huh.
Set one up in the elevator.
I'll set up the timer.
Sorry, buddy.
Argon, no!
JERSEY: Argon, you're like
a father to me! No witnesses.
(expl*si*n) Charlie!
What's goin' on? What's
happening? Thank God you're okay.
Charlie, what's happening?
Dad, Dad...
Here's the deal,
here's the deal.
This whole frickin' place is
rigged with bombs, all right?
We got five minutes
to get outta here,
save Berger, and get the Source.
I can't believe you took
the Source to school.
No time for parenting, Dad!
How do we get outta here?
There's an escape hatch
above the gym.
Not an option. System's
locked down. JACK: What?
IRONS: Argon changed
all these access codes.
Everything is encrypted now.
Dad, Dad, Dad,
you stay here. No.
Dad, you stay here.
Blue Eyes, fix him up.
The name's Captain
Sean Irons. Shh. Zip it.
Lizzie, you cr*ck the code so
we can get access to the system.
Maya and I will print enough
jet packs for all of us, all right?
We will? I trust you.
Do you trust me?
I do now.
Here you go.
(BEEPING)
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What did Captain Blue Eyes
back there just say? AUTOMATED
VOICE: All systems locked.
He said Argon locked
the whole system.
The escape hatch,
the printer, everything.
If we don't cr*ck this code
we're all gonna die.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Access
denied. Speakin' of Argon...
You know, for the record, I
don't have a stuttering problem.
Ya know, I was just nervous
and see, see, what happened...
What are you?
Hey. Hey. What are you doin'?
Need to cauterize this wound.
For a second there, I thought
you were gonna k*ll me.
Yeah, I still might.
(GROANS)
It's a four-digit password,
only 10,000 combinations.
Only 10,000?
Look, Lizzie, I understand you're
really good at the escape room stuff
but I don't see any clues.
We don't need a clue, Big Mac.
We're gonna brute-force this password.
You're gonna brute-force
10,000 different combinations.
Yes, I have a plan.
We're gonna die.
I need to borrow this.
CHARLIE: Hurry up! We don't
have that much time.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Error printing.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
So why are you helpin' me now?
Let's just say I know
what the stakes are now.
You had a vision, didn't you?
Not everyone gets one.
What'd you see?
It's more powerful
than I realized.
I got this.
Code denied.
Now you understand why
it needed to be protected.
I don't see why you
assume you're the only one
worthy of protecting it, though.
Wanna know what my
last ten years have been?
Marriage: Over. Kid: Hates me.
But I didn't have
a choice. You did.
You chose to
keep it for yourself.
MAYA: Charlie, move!
Lizzie!
Wait! That was
not part of the plan!
Lizzie! Lizzie,
get us out of here!
Speakin' of plans, do you think we
like maybe need to reevaluate our...
No! We're all gonna go to the dance
and we're all gonna have a great time!
MAYA: Lizzie, come on! (SCREAMS)
Oh, no. No.
We're getting crushed!
Oh, my God,
they're getting crushed!
Help! Lizzie!
Maya, I gotta
tell you somethin'.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Platform
has reached maximum capacity.
Wait. Wait, what does that mean?
Commencing vaporization
procedure.
Only 100 more combos, Lizzie.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Denied. Denied. Denied.
I really like you.
Like "like-like" you.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Reducing volume in 15 seconds.
Like... Like a lot!
Fifteen, 14, 13,
12, 11,
ten, nine, eight...
You got this.
Seven, six, five... And I'm
four, three, two, one.
Code accepted. So sorry.
I got it!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Sorry.
MAYA: What?
I'm sorry.
Boys pick the weirdest times
to be vulnerable.
Let's go print those jet packs.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Jet pack
printing three of six complete.
(BEEPING)
Big Mac, listen to me. We
gotta go now. Come here.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on.
(BIG MAC YELLING)
We gotta double up.
Wait, what about my dad?
Go, go, go! I'm fine.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Destruction imminent.
Well, I guess you gotta
learn to share now.
Bring it in.
Get in here.
(JACK YELLING)
JACK: Whoa, whoa.
Watch out for the tree! No.
(IMPACT GRUNTS)
LIZZIE: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
That was crazy! We just flew.
Thank you. Nice job, Angry Guy.
But we've gotta get to school.
You should leave the kids
with me, they'll slow you down.
No! No!
Berger's my best friend.
He's my little brother.
We're going with you,
Mr. Kincaid.
(HELICOPTER HOVERING)
I'm not the only one
lookin' for ya.
You guys go. I'll slow 'em down.
Yeah, the world
needs The Guard, Jack.
And you're the least bad option.
Thanks. You're not gonna
I know you're not,
I don't have to say this,
but you're not gonna tell 'em
who The Guard is or anything...
We'll see. Gotcha, man, okay.
All right, you guys get
the heck outta here.
Stop that maniac, all right?
CHARLIE: Let's go!
MAYA: Let's go get Berger!
Sorry about your man cave, Dad.
Yeah. Adios. Ten years
down the drain.
Well, it's not my fault
a militia showed up to...
There's two schools of thought
on that... steal your magic ball.
Well, whose is it?
Hey, if you would've just told
me the truth about who you are,
I would have never
figured it out!
So actually, it's your fault.
JACK: Really? CHARLIE: Yeah.
Well, we'll have plenty o'
time to discuss whose fault it is.
ARGON: Let's go! BERGER:
Okay, okay, take it easy, man!
Dude, you are so slow.
Mom's right. You're always
deflecting, putting up walls.
What? She says that? Yeah.
I disagree.
I don't put up walls
and I don't deflect.
See? Deflection.
What are you talking
about? It's deflecting.
That's not deflecting,
that's disagreeing. That's...
No, that's deflecting.
No, that's not. Why can't
you just be honest with me?
If you wanna know anything,
go ahead, ask me.
I'll tell you the truth.
Why does this thing not have cup
holders? Have you ever been to space?
Where do superheroes pee?
Like, in the suit?
That's for Charlie, okay?
Enough from the peanut gallery.
Okay, uh...
Why'd you and Mom split up?
That's your first question?
(SIGHS)
Not something about the
jet packs or something?
No. Uh-uh. No chance?
Look, Charlie,
that's a... It's...
That's a big question and it's
I think it's hard to understand.
I didn't wanna have to choose
between saving the world
and my family.
But I didn't have a choice.
ARGON: Dude, pick up the pace,
for crying out loud! Settle down.
ANSEL: Is this your locker?
BERGER: This is my locker.
Plus, how am I supposed
to say to my son,
"Oh, by the way,
some alien power source
"chose me to be the
guardian of the planet"? Right?
I mean, would your
parents tell you that? No.
JACK: No, because it
makes you sound crazy, right?
Yes.
I get it. You have this
super-powerful thing,
and you didn't know
who you could trust.
I just thought
you could trust me.
So who's excited
for the Moon Dance?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Where is it? I don't know.
Where is it? I don't know.
TEACHER: Mr. Berger. Oh, hey.
Hmm. And who might you be?
I'm, uh... I'm Berger's uncle.
Huh.
ARGON: Yeah. Nice costume.
Yeah, thank you. I love
The Guard and this is, uh...
This is his costume.
Ooh, yeah, it's makeup.
It's kinda sensitive.
Hey, something is missing
from Berger's locker.
Would you happen to
know where it is?
I'm assuming it's
the art project? Yes.
Yes! Yeah, it's mine.
Yes! His art project.
BERGER: Uh-huh.
Well, Jerry, the janitor,
found it glowing in your locker.
You're lucky I didn't
call the b*mb squad.
Oh, I'm glad you didn't.
And, uh, would you know
where it is, by any chance?
I'll go get it. Cool.
Stay right here.
I'm gonna stay right here.
Right here. Okay. Okay.
(BRAKES SCREECH)
JACK: You kids stay in the car.
Where do I go?
Wait, you've never been
to your kid's school?
No, I've...
It's been a while.
All right, how 'bout we
crash through the skylights?
Yeah, just like the time you
saved those diplomats in Caracas
I know, but I had
a fully charged suit then,
and how do you know about that?
I'm The Guard's
number-one fan, dude!
I even defended you on Reddit.
That was you? That was me.
Well, thank you.
That was pretty good.
Okay, so where do I go?
Mr. Kincaid, take these.
And, Charlie, you're gonna
call him on the phone
and tell him where to go, okay?
All right.
Okay, stay in the car.
CHARLIE: That's good. Goin'
right past the French class.
No, take a left,
take a left, not right.
You see a trophy case?
I see the trophy case.
Just keep walking by it, all
right? You're almost there.
Past the trophy case and
you're gonna look on your right
and it should be
glowing, I think.
Here's you with
the rest of the Bluejays.
Eagles, Dad.
Are Eagles blue?
I guess. Just keep going,
all right? Next question.
Are you even listening to me?
"Best Effort." Dad, hello?
That's great.
If she doesn't find it
I'm gonna k*ll you.
Fudge my life. I am
so serious right now.
TEACHER: Just a second.
(GRUNTS)
Assuming this is it?
Yeah, that's my favorite
sculpture of his.
Uh-huh.
Well.
I really don't like modern art.
It's hard to tell the
authentics from the fakes!
Run, Berger, run!
No.
I don't like you!
I don't like you!
I don't like you!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(BERGER SCREAMING)
I see 'em! What's happening?
I just heard Berger scream. I
think they're goin' to the gym.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Excuse me! Oh, sorry.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hot potato. Hot potato.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey. Get outta my face!
(GRUNTS)
Sick costume, bro.
You remind me of a fart.
How do you turn this thing on?
(EXCLAIMING)
(SCREAMS)
Give it to me!
(GROANS)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
JACK: Argon!
Ugh!
Just wanted to let
you know we're alive!
ARGON: Not like I care!
You wanna dance?
Daddy wants to dance!
Let's dance.
(GROANS) (ALL EXCLAIMING)
ARGON: Come on!
Hey, buddy!
(GRUNTS)
Whoo!
Dad? Dad, are you there? Dad?
Dad? Dad?
Wash your mouth out!
Berger! Throw me the Source!
Berger! Sweep!
Throw it! Throw it!
We gotta help him. We gotta go!
No, he said stay
in the car. Yeah.
He definitely said
stay in the car.
Then we'll stay in the car.
Shotgun!
What are you doing? Why
are you in the driver's seat?
Okay. You can't drive, Charlie.
(GROANS)
Man. That suit sure does work.
Wait, wait. Why
don't you take it off?
Let's fight mano-a-mano.
What, are ya stupid?
I'd rather fight
like a superhero.
Bein' a hero's about
more than wearin' a suit.
Nah, it's all about the suit.
Maya, do something!
What do you mean,
do something? Maya!
LIZZIE: Press all the
buttons! Try all of them, Maya!
Now.
You're gonna
hit the wall, Charlie!
(GASPS)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(MAYA CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY)
Holy crap!
Not bad for an IT guy.
Thanks for not listening to me.
Keep this safe.
Charlie. I trust you.
He went that way.
Dad!
Show him some swagger.
Berger! BERGER: Guys!
I'm so happy to see you
guys. MAYA: You're okay.
You know somethin', Argon?
Yeah, what's that?
You might have a point
about the suit.
Hey, no!
(GRUNTS)
Bet you didn't know
how to finger blast!
I invented finger blasting.
You wanna dance with
the King of Pop?
I can dance! I can dance...
Hold on!
Hold it! Hold it!
Hold it. I said hold it, man!
I said...
(WHEEZING) How do you do this?
How do you do it?
How do you take...
(EXHALES)
These things are warm. Yeah.
So hot. They're so hot.
You got the winter suit.
(PANTING)
(WHEEZING)
I have this trained on you.
Stand back!
I feel like a dog, you
know? Come on, let's go.
Come on. Yeah. You know,
how dogs do that? Like...
Argon, come on. Sorry.
We gotta finish this.
You ready? Yeah.
Wait, wait, I just
dropped something.
(GRUNTS)
Have another sip!
ARGON: My ear! Not my ear.
You hit me right in the lobe!
(ARGON GROANS)
I hate you!
(SCREAMING)
Swagger!
Argon to the principal's office!
Yes!
You just broke my kid's trophy.
What? That's not a real trophy.
Steal the suit,
blow up my man cave,
but don't ever insult my son.
You're right, you're right.
I went too far.
(JACK GROANS)
Charlie! Charlie... I lost him.
Throw me the Source.
Here.
Okay, get in the G-mobile.
Gettin' you guys outta here.
Okay.
(YELLS) Dad!
Charlie! No, no!
ARGON: Get back! Do not move!
Jack, don't be a hero!
No! Gimme the Source
or I'll k*ll your kid!
Okay.
ARGON: Give it to me!
Okay, it's yours.
CHARLIE: What? No, Dad,
Dad. Dad... It's yours, you win.
Don't do it,
I'm only one person!
Shut up!
CHARLIE: I'm only one
person! You're saving the world!
You're saving the world!
All right? Okay. Charlie,
Charlie, don't worry.
HBT. HBT.
HBT?
Give it to me!
CHARLIE: HBT. HBT.
Okay. Please. Please.
(YELLS)
(BEEPING)
(YELLS)
Strike three...
Charlie!
Charlie! Come on, buddy.
Come on, buddy.
Charlie!
Please? Please? Charlie.
Come on. Come on.
Charlie!
It's okay. It's gonna
be all right.
Charlie? Yeah?
Charlie?
Yeah. Can you see me?
Did Maya see that throw?
Are you kidding me?
How could she miss it?
It's one of the greatest
throws ever!
My son's a hero.
That's it.
I love you so much.
I'm so sorry
I wasted all that time.
The truth is
I did have a choice.
And I made the wrong one.
Dad? Yeah?
You're suffocating me.
Nice throw, Charlie.
Thanks.
Oh, my God.
I gotta call Mom.
Jack, I know where I'm going.
I've been to the school before.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I got lost earlier,
so I was just tryin' to
save you time.
It can get really confusing.
(GASPS)
Charlie? Charlie, my sweet boy!
Oh, my God, are you okay?
Are you... What happened?
Well, we had the talk,
and it went, I think,
pretty well. It
I mean, there was
a few bumps, but...
Wait, you knew?
And you didn't tell me?
We wanted to wait till
you were older, Charlie.
No, that Dad wears a fanny pack?
JACK: He's been hammerin'
this fanny pack.
Actually, the fanny pack
was my design.
Now what are you gonna say?
We can talk about this
at home. Come on.
Uh, wait, wait. Um...
I, uh... Hold on a second.
There's somethin'
I gotta do first.
I know that, technically,
you, um, have a date already,
but since Robbie Fernandez ran
away like a whiny little baby,
I was wondering...
Do you wanna dance?
Okay, Kincaid, I'll try
not to breathe on you.
(BLUES MUSIC PLAYING)
You have great taste.
Whoa! Thanks.
What are you still doing here?
A DJ never abandons her booth.
Might I have
this dance, mon cheri?
Yeah.
Should we maybe dance?
For old times' sake?
I mean, we don't wanna just
watch and make them uncomfortable.
Okay.
Oh.
JK.
(SQUEALS)
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
They grow up fast, don't they?
Maybe a little too fast? Yeah.
Remember our first kiss?
No.
It's 'cause we
haven't kissed yet.
Yes. Not until we're married.
Okay. How's my breath?
Amazing.
JACK: Okay, I think
we're gettin' close here!
You know how I like it?
Oh, yeah.
Burnt to a crisp
and loaded up with spicy
mustard and lots of onions.
Does your girlfriend
like onions, by the way?
Okay, what? No. Dad.
(BEEPING)
We're needed.
What? Let's go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We gotta pack up, and
what do you say we, uh.
(CAR UNLOCKING BEEP)
take the new one?
AUTOMATED VOICE: Uncloaking.
Wow.
Let's call it
an early birthday present.
Thanks. Can I drive?
It's a very early
birthday present.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Welcome, Guardians.
Oh, my God! This is
the new G-mobile, isn't it?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
Now it's the new
G-mobile. Come on!
This is sick!
Watch this, watch
this, watch this. Yeah?
Hey, guys. Captain Irons,
Mission Control.
You ready for your next mission?
Okay, Captain,
accept new mission.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Propulsion drive activated.
Mind blown!
(HEYBB! PLAYING)
ARGON: Hello?
What is this place?
Anybody? I'm
really, really warm.
I got swamp butt,
you know what that means?
That means the sweat from
my back's goin' to my butt.
And it's not a good feeling.
Oh, this sucks.
I'm sorry I tried
to take over the world.
I just need a little help.
(RACY MUSIC PLAYING)
Guys, I can hear you. Sounds
like you guys are leaving!
Guys, don't leave!
I really need to use
the restroom, guys!
I've been needing
to for a long time!
Help me out! Come on, guys.
Secret Headquarters (2022)
Moderator: Maskath3