10x05 - Lesley's Paranoia

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Morning love.

Are you joining us?

No. No.

I'm going for a walk, to clear me head.

- Where's Cyd?
- She's still in bed.

Didn't get much sleep last night.

[LAUGHING] Go on, my son.

- Do you have to?
- What?

She didn't get much sleep

because she's worried about
her dad arriving this morning.

But not as much as I am.

Oh, you'll be fine.

Yeah.

Not me I'm worried about.

See you later.

SHERON: Well, what's that
supposed to mean?

He's acting like we'll all
embarrass him or something.

Right.

Nobody embarrass Rob today
in front of Cyd's dad.

Cyd's dad, huh!

I'm sorry, Mam. Is there something
you'd like to bring to the discussion?

There's no way
so-called Cyd's so-called dad

is coming here this morning.

And how do you figure that?

Because it's a 12-hour trip

and the last flight out yesterday
was 18:40,

before her supposed phone call from him.

It's all a complete fantasy.

[SIGHING] Six hundred euros in one day?

And according to this, you took out
another 200 this morning.

Monty, the entertainments budget
is supposed to last us the entire year.

You have wiped out half of it
in 24 hours.

Joyce, you have to understand
I'm dealing with a star here

of the highest pedigree.

Why won't you tell me his name, then?

He would prefer to remain anonymous.

Oh, how's he going to do that?
Perform with a bucket over his head?

No, during negotiations
he would prefer to remain anonymous.

All I can say is

he's a British all-round entertainer
beloved by millions.

A national treasure.

It' s not... Cliff?

My lips are sealed.

Right.

Well, okay, then.

But I warn you,

if this turns out to be
a wild goose chase...

Trust me, Joyce.

Trust me.

Oh!

Can I help you?

Um, I need to ask for next Tuesday off.

Funeral. Second cousin.

You are employed by the travel agency,
not the hotel.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. As you were.

[DOOR CLOSES]

This is getting out of hand.

She thinks
we've got Cliff bloody Richard.

Oh, she could've meant
any Cliff for all you know.

Come on.

Are you sure this is going to work?

Absolutely. He's just a little out of
practice with a live crowd, that's all.

But a quick dry room
with a small yet c*ptive audience,

he'll be right as rain.

It's all arranged. Here's the address.

Pyrus Hall? Never heard of it.

Pyrus Hall! That's er...

Quite a drive. So, if I were you,
I'd go pick up Sammy now

- and get cracking.
- Right.

- Morning.
- Morning.

All right, young un? Oh, Kenneth,

- something's come for you, lad.
- Hey, what?

- Here you are.
- Oh, no!

- Is that from...
- Vladimir.

Who's Vladimir?

That Russian sailor Kenneth was seeing.
He sacked him off last night.

Ooh! TMI!

Sacked, cloth ears.
Sacked.

[CHUCKLES]

- I miss you.
- Ah.

I miss you. It's barely been 48 hours.
I'll just ignore this.

Sometimes you have to be
cruel to be kind.

- Throw that out, Lesley.
- Right you are.

- What about this as well?
- No, no, no.

No, it's still a rose, isn't it?

I'll just stick it in a vase
and put it in the salon.

Aye. Something tells me
you're not going to have enough room.

What do you mean?

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, this lot came first thing.

Delivery driver forgot that one.
Had to come back

Hello!

Someone's popular.

[CHUCKLING]

Joey?
- I'm brushing my teeth.

- Are you decent?
- Yeah.

Ugh. You said you were decent.

I thought you meant as in I were
a good, honest, law-abiding citizen.

Good, honest, law-abiding citizens don't
flash their party packs at their mates.

Listen, I need your help today.

Assuming you can drag yourself away
from your girlfriend for five minutes?

Yeah, I've been thinking,
I've kind of let you down a bit there.

It should always be mates before dates.

The bro code.

I'm sorry. So, forget girls.

Today is a "Lads Day".

Today it's just you and me.

Thanks, mate. I appreciate that.

Hey, no problems.

So, what do you need help with?

I need to find that bird
I copped off with last night.

Mrs Maltby, always a pleasure,
never a chore.

Oh, I've got a booking for yourself
and young Master Maltby.

Poor Geoff.

He's come down with a bout of the mumps.

He looks like a chubby little hamster.

- Doesn't he?
- Yes.

And now he looks like
a chubby little hamster with mumps.

So I shall be taking my brother's room.

Nae bother. I'll change the booking.

Yes, it's worked out quite well, really.

Our Pauline needed a nice holiday
to cheer her up. Didn't you?

She's recently lost her job.

Right. Firstly,

there's very little point in whispering
when I'm standing right next to you.

And secondly, I did not lose my job.

I quit my job, actually.

I decided it was high time
I started following my dream.

She decided to become a novelist.

You writing a book, are you?
What's it about?

She doesn't know.

She's been working on
chapter one for the past month.

Yes, well, I will confess
I've been having a smidgen of trouble

getting over that first hurdle,

but I'm hoping a change of environment
will yield some inspiration.

Right. Is there anything else you'd like
to ask me about my private affairs

or can I have my room card now?

[STAMMERING] Aye, aye.

There you go. 326.

Oh, I am sorry about that.

Oh, think nowt of it, Mrs Maltby.

I know how temperamental
these artistic types can be.

I mean, that Van Gogh fella

cut of his own lug-hole, didn't he?

Oh, our Pauline would never do that.

She enjoys watching the soaps too much.

I reckon you could
still watch TV with one ear.

Not if you wear glasses.

Oh, yeah. [CHUCKLES] Oh, bless her.

Nigel, don't you feel guilty?

Wasn't even looking.

- Looking at what?
- I don't know.

I meant
don't you feel guilty being here?

Having a holiday
at the department's expense.

No, and neither should you.

It's par for the course with
this sort of deal, almost expected.

Do you really think the boys
they sent after Ronny Biggs

took that long to find him?

Of course not. They had more sense.

For 40 years of being passed over
for every promotion going,

I think we've earned this.

Where' s Robbie?

He's gone for a walk, love.

Well, I can't wait for him.

My father's just called.
He's at the airport.

And which airport might that be?

Alicante.

Alicante.

Oh that's interesting, isn't it?

Well, I'm going to go pick him up.

Of course you are.

Yes. Tell Robbie where I've gone.

- LORETTA: No way she...
- Listen,

about my father, um...

Well, in my country he's sort of...

quite important.

Owns two ploughs, does he?

What? listen, all I'm saying is
treat him with respect. That's all.

Or else he...

just treat him with respect.

- Please.
- Of course we will.

And we're all really looking forward
to meeting him, aren't we?

- Absolutely.
- Aye.

Seems a shame to pop all of them.
Can we not just keep one?

No, all of them. I want them all gone.

And would you mind doing it quietly?
My nerves are sh*t to pieces as it is.

In a sense, it's quite flattering.

Flattering? Have you read some of these?

You can practically chart
the journey of his psychosis.

Oh my god, I feel like
Michael Douglas in Fatal Attraction.

To be fair, you're no Michael Douglas.

Oh, remember that skit we had to do
on Neptune's charity night?

Yes, thank you, Barry Norman.

Wasn't acting for a critique
of me acting skills.

[MOBILE RINGING]

It's him.

You'd better answer it, Kenneth.

Oh, God.

- Hello?
- Kenneth?

I'm at the reception.

He's at reception.

Oh, are you?

What you doing there?

This little old woman won't let me in
unless you permit it.

Oh, really? Erm,

would be mind putting her on to me?

- Hello.
- Lesley...

do not let that eight-foot psychotic
lunatic anywhere near this salon.

See, it's the first part
of that sentence

that's going to make the second part
a bit tricky to pull off.

[CHUCKLING] Yeah.

I go through now, yes?

- Aye.
- Good.

Lesley?

[LIAM POPS BALLON]
[SCREAMS]

[STAMMERING] You see, it's not that
I don't appreciate the matters of gifts

and borderline threatening notes but...

I love you.

Well, I'm a very lovable person.

You changed me. I was living a lie

and you gave me
the courage to be myself.

I need you.

But that's the thing, isn't it, you see?

You've spent all these years
trapped in the closet

and now that you've finally
come out, well,

I mean, you don't want to
limit yourself to one person, do you?

I mean, there're loads of men around.

Um, I'm not gay.

- Really?
- Yes, really!

Please. Whatever it is I've done wrong,
tell me, I'll fix it.

- I'll make it work.
- No, no, no...

No. You haven't done
nothing wrong, Vlad. No.

No, you see, it's not you, it's me.

I've been living a lie, too.

What do you mean?

I'm so sorry that I didn't
tell you sooner but...

I'm married.

To a woman.

You see, I never had your courage
or your confidence.

But it's too late now,
'cause she wouldn't understand.

And I do love her.

Oh, I wish he'd been this good
when we did our skit.

- Shut up!
- I understand.

- You do?
- I also had to tell my wife.

It was the hardest thing
I ever had to do.

- Yes.
- But I didn't have a comrade.

- No.
- You do. We'll tell her tonight.

- Together.
- I'm sorry. What I was gonna say is...

[VLADIMIR GRUNTING]

Aw...

- Ah.
-[SHRIEKING]

Shh!

Be strong.

I shall return this evening.

My darling.

Aw. All's well that ends well.

What are you talking about?

I haven't got a sodding wife!

Oh, no.

And he's probably going to notice that
when he comes back, isn't he?

Do you think?

Oh, Liam!

Calm down.

- Still on chapter...
- Yes, I'm still on chapter one.

The opening line
has to set the scene and tone

for the entire novel.
You can't rush these things.

Hmm.

Why don't you put

"The big brown dog
played with the bright red ball."

And then you can put a little picture
of the big brown dog...

I'm not writing a book
about dog's balls, all right?

Now, would you please be quiet?

And just let me...

get on...

- Pauline!
- What?

Oh, look, Mum, it's fine.
I'm okay. All right?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap.
I just really need to get into the zone.

Here. That' s all.

[SIGHS]

SAMMY: Go away.

Sammy, it's me, Monty.

- SAMMY: Mo... Monty?
-[BOTTLES CLATTERING]

SAMMY: Hold on, Monty.

Just putting on me trousers.

Ah! Get off my grass.

[LAUGHING] Yes.
Very good, never gets old.

Oh, come in. Come in.

[BOTTLES CLATTERING]

Er.. Monty, listen, I'm sorry that
I bailed out on you last night.

I got what my mate Edmonds
calls "the fear".

He used to tell me all the time,

"You're never a true showman
until you've experienced the fear."

And to be honest with you, Monty,

I personally think he'd be
really proud of me today.

[SIGHS]
I miss you Noel.

Noel Edmunds isn't dead.

I feel the same way.

[STAMMERING]

I'm sorry, do you...

- Do you live here?
- Oh, God, no, Monty.

No, course I don't. My villa's having
a makeover. It's being painted.

No, I'm just here
for a couple of days, that's all.

As I said on the phone,
my PA has arranged

a slightly smaller gig for you tonight.

Might help you get over your...
Get over the...

-"The fear".
- Over "the fear".

Yeah. little place called Pyrus Hall.

No, no, no,
I've never heard of it, Monty.

No, I hadn't heard of it, either.

But I am assured that
it is very exclusive.

But it's a couple of hours' drive,
so I think we should probably...

Sounds great, Monty. Sounds great.

- Tell you what I've got here, hold on...
- What's going on?

Look. See? I got a cassette of some
of my old stand-up routines.

Maybe we could listen
on the way in the car?

See, this one
is for the more intimate gig.

Yeah, well that might be...

Well, I'll tell you what.
Maybe you should do it from memory.

That'd be a good practice.

Yes. Whatever you say, Monty.
I'm gonna get changed.

Why don't you get outside
and make yourself at home?

[SIGHS]

Who loves you, Monty?

Won't be long, Monty. Won't be long.

- [BOTTLES CLATTERING]
- Won't be long, Monty!

[CLEARS THROAT]

I can't hear a word you're saying, Joey.

You're doing what?

You're staking out a hotel?

No, we're not.

Excuse my friend.
Sun stroke.

Come on, Dennis.
Let's get you back under a brolly.

Hold the fort five minutes.

No, it is my break in ten minutes.

Yeah, I'll be back in five.

You cannot be getting stiff
every time a man looks at you.

I beg your pardon.

How do you say, scaring you stiff?

I'll be back in five minutes.

Hey, hey, where are you going?

Listen, I'll be back in five. [MUMBLING]

Five minutes.

Oh, sorry, Joey.
Can you start that again?

Me and Callum.

We're trying to find the woman
he brought home last night,

only he doesn't know her last name.

So, we're waiting outside
until she turns up.

What? Why are you trying to find her?

To be honest.

I think Callum might be
a little sweet on her.

Plus, he wants to return
the money she left behind.

Oh, for God's sake,

didn't you listen
to a word I said last night?

Oh yeah, I did.

What was it you said again?

She didn't accidentally
leave that money, Joey.

- She thinks Callum is a...
- Sam.

What? I'm on the phone.

I know but I need a favour from you.
We haven't got much time.

- What sort of favour?
- I, um...

He needs you to be his wife.

Yeah, Joey, I'm going to
have to call you back.

- There you are.
- Oh, you know what Sam said?

She said she doesn't think that woman
left the money there by accident.

Mate, of course she didn't.

You think I didn't know that?

She wanted to see me again.

She knew I'd find it
and knew I'd bring it here.

She's grafting.

It's a classic manoeuvre.

I pulled the same trick myself,
dozens of times.

I didn't even think of that.
You are so smart.

Ain't my first disco, mate.

Ain't my first disco.

JOEY: Mmm. Mmm!

Yes?

Erm...

Uh...

[CLEARS THROAT]
Glass of lemonade, please.

Ah yes.

I remembered you.

I beg your pardon?

Your lemonade.

[DEVIL WOMAN PLAYING ON RADIO]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

No sanctuary.

Come!

Hey, I'm sorry to bother you,
Mrs Temple Savage.

- What can I do for you?
- Well,

I reckon I might have just landed meself

in what me old mam
used to call a "sh*t soup".

Okay, I'm in.

But if we're gonna do this,
we're gonna do it properly.

Which means
you have to start acting straight.

What are you on about?

The whole point is that our marriage
is supposed to be a sham.

I'm meant to be living a lie.

That's very nice for you, Kenneth but
it makes me look a bit stupid, doesn't it?

He has to believe that
I believe you're straight.

She's right, Kenneth.

If you really were living a lie,

then when you're around her,
you'd be acting straight.

Acting straight. What's that
supposed to mean, anyway?

How do straight people act?

You know, like me.

What?

We're going to have to start
with a shopping trip.

Get you a whole new outfit.

Eh? What's wrong with what I'm wear...

Liam, go and get me 30 euros
out of the petty cash.

Forget 30 euros,
you'll have to bring your credit card.

Credit card?
How many outfits am I buying?

Just the one. But I fancy a new pair
of shoes and a couple of tops.

You didn't think
I'd do this for free, did you?

[SIGHS]

- Come on.
- Hmm.

You're really going to
have to work on that walk.

What's wrong with me walk?

Wasn't talking to you.

I don't know what to say.
I mean, really, Lesley,

tax fraud?

Hey, it's not fraud as such, is it?

'Cause I didn't really know
what I was doing.

That's hardly the point.

And you actually think these two men

are undercover investigators?

I don't know. It's just...

little things they've said
since they got here.

- Well..
- And they're always staring at us.

I'm not being funny, Lesley,
but quite a lot of people stare at you.

Oh, well, that's very kind of you
to say, Mrs Temple Savage,

but no,
there's something up with these two.

I can feel it in me waters.

I don't know.

Maybe as I should just leave.

I don't want to any trouble.

Lesley,

as much as I don't relish the idea
of harbouring a known fugitive,

the fact remains that I suppose
I sort of...

kind of...

consider you a friend.

Oh, Mrs T.

Yes, all right, all right, don't ruin
your mascara, we're not having a moment.

Just try and keep your head down
for the rest of the day

and I'll do the rest.

Why? What are you going to do?

Some investigating of my own.

Pauline, have you been drinking?

[SLURRING] Don't be ridiculous.

I've had nothing but a few glasses
of the finest lemonade.

This is vodka.

Preposterous.

Ah, you. Would you mind
confirming to me in front of witnesses

as to whether I have or have not
been drinking lemonade?

Of course, it's what you asked for.
Lemonade.

There, you see?

If it was just lemonade,
why was he winking at you?

Clearly the man's attracted to me.
That's no secret.

I've been rejecting his advances
ever since the year we first came here.

Hey, hey, hey!

I have do no
advantages for you to reject.

I am not the one who is drunk.

- It is vodka.
- Oh, Pauline.

I've written nothing for weeks

and then a few glasses of that
and I've polished off three chapters.

Truly, it is the nectar of the gods.

Oh, Pauline, that's....

That's disgusting.

Nonsense.

He swallowed her... No, dear, no.
You can't do that.

Nonsense.

Erotica is as legitimate
a form of literature as any other.

No, I meant you can't do that.
I tried it.

You need to be
double-jointed and I wasn't.

Well, not till after, anyway.

- Have you tried this?
- Oh, yes.

What about this?

Ooh, yes!

Please, be seated.

I believe I have found my muse.

Gentlemen, Joyce Temple Savage here,
your Solana Manageress.

I hope you're both enjoying your stay.

- Lovely, thanks.
- Excellent.

I'm afraid when you checked in,

our receptionist neglected
to have you to sign

one of our personal detail forms.

Oh. Okay, well,
if you just want to leave it...

No, no, happy to do it now.

[CLEARING THROAT] Right. Now then,

may I ask the nature of your employment?

Uh, why would a hotel need to know that?

Oh, you know I've no idea. [CHUCKLING]

Anyway, nature of your employment?

- Retired.
- Green grocer.

- Retired green grocer...
- ...s.

[CHUCKLES]

Um, are you both married?

Yes.

- So, where are your families?
- Sorry?

You're here on your own,
I'm just wondering...

Oh, um...

Unless...

Oh, yes, that's right.
We are, aren't we?

- Are what?
- Married.... Sweetheart.

Oh, that's right. We are, sugar doll.

That explains everything.

What does that mean?

[STAMMERS] I mean that
it completes the questionnaire.

Do enjoy the rest of your stay.

Sugar doll?

Can we stop holding hands now?

Oh, God, here they come.

They?

Oh, well played.

Father, this is Robbie.

Robbie, this is Franco, my father.

Nice to... Nice to meet you.

And this is Robbie's family.

How do you do?

- Y0u all right?
- LORETTA: Nice flight, was it?

Which airline did you use,
out of interest?

I don't use airlines.
I have my own private jet.

Oh, really? That's nice.

What sort of jet is it?

A 2012 Gulf Stream G520.

Is that a Rolex?

No, it's Bulgari.

Bulgari.

Oh, my God, he's a billionaire.

Hi, uh,

I'm WiLL-I-Am, er, William,
Robert's dad.

- About this so-called Gulf Stream G5...
- Mam!

So nice to meet you.
Would you like to sit down?

Or maybe you'd like to go
to Rob and Cyd's room

to freshen up first after your flight?

Rob and Cyd's room?

Oh!

I should like to talk to you.

Alone.

Cyd?

He's fine. He's fine.

Sorry.

Sammy loves you!

[LAUGHING] Any gear will do, Monty.

I've been looking forward to this,
Monty, seriously, it's like a dream car.

Thelma and Louise!

They drove off the edge of a cliff.
So keep your eyes on the road.

A retirement home.

I'll bloody swing for her.

Monty!

Sammy, I am so, so...

You are a genius.

What?

I never thought of this myself,
it's brilliant, bloody brilliant.

Old people love me.

They absolutely love me.

If this doesn't get me over "the fear",

then, nothing will.

Oh, yeah, well, exactly.

And I'm sure
it's what Noel would've wanted.

It is.

I'm telling you, Lesley,
you've got nothing to worry about.

Look, they're even sharing a room.

Aye, single beds.

Oh, come on. You're telling me
you've never pushed a couple of beds

together in your day?

I'm not convinced, Mrs Temple Savage.
I mean,

they just don't act gay, you know?

Now, then, darling.

Hiya.

All right, I admit,
sometimes it can be hard to tell.

Yeah, I gotta tell...

I gotta tell you, Sam.

I'm starting to get
really worried about him.

- Who?
- Who do you think?

He tried to give me
a cassette tape earlier.

I genuinely am not sure
he knows what year it is.

Look, he's a celebrity.
They're all a bit eccentric.

A bit?

It'll all work out. I promise.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go
meet me husband and his ex-boyfriend.

What?

[SIGHS] She's mad.

They're all mad. Maybe I'm mad.

Sammy loves you. Who loves you?

Sammy loves you. Sammy loves you.

Sammy loves you. Fa-fa-fa!

Sammy loves you.

That's what I should have asked him.

What the thrust-to-fuel ratio
of this pretend jet was?

I bet he wouldn't have known that.

Of course he wouldn't.
How would he have known that?

He didn't build it, did he?

Look, if he's a billionaire,
he's a billionaire.

if he's not, he's not.
It doesn't really matter.

The most important thing is our Rob.

Exactly. So stop trying
to spoil this for us, Loretta.

- Us?
- For Rob, for Rob, I said.

- No, you didn't. You said...
- Oh, look, he's here. look.

- What's happening, love?
- I don't know.

They're both up in the room, talking.

Don't worry, son. When they come down,
we'll turn on a bit of Dawson charm.

Few drinks, few jokes,
he'll be loving us.

I could tell my one
about them two nuns...

No, no, no, no, no.

Kenneth.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Where the hell is Sam?

Right, go on, you better clear off.

- Right.
-[STAMMERING]

Don't go too far, though, will you?

Hug for Vladi!

Oh, we better not because me wife's
going to be here any minute.

Any minute.

Any minute...

Now.

Oh, thank God. I mean, there she is.

Oh, sorry I'm late, babe.

- Traffic.
- It's all right, babe. You're here now.

Oh, give us a kiss.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Oh, they're pretending to be a couple.

I really don't care.

Oh, so, who's your friend?

[SOPHISTICATED PIANO PLAYING]

Huh? What?

There she is.

It's about time.

Caroline.

Callum?

What are you doing here?

I wanted to see you again.

Erm...

This is very er...
unprofessional.

Come on. Don't be coy.

I like games as much
as the next fella but face it,

this one's all played out.

You know you wanted
to see me again, too.

That's why you accidentally
left the money behind.

Accidentally left ...

Oh, my God. [LAUGHS]

You're not an escort at all, are you?

You're just some kid who was trying
to pick up an older woman.

Escort?

Callum, this is a business hotel.

One that provides certain "services"
for its corporate clients.

What do you mean?

You mean...

You thought I was a paid toy boy?

And you paid me 200 euros.

- Actually, that's quite a lot, isn't it?
- And you earned every penny.

Yeah? Well,

I'm not actually doing anything
this evening if you want to...

Sorry, Callum, I'm, um,
checking out tonight.

But I'll be back
this time next year, so...

# I bless the day I found you

# I want to stay around you

# And so I beg you

# Let it be me

# Don't take this...

So they are muffalettas?

Apparently.

Ah yes, I see it now.

You do?

Of course, it is as plain
as the face on your nose.

Excuse me.

I have a bone to pick with you.

Why are you wanting to pick at my bone?

You served my daughter
funny lemonade all afternoon

and now you've just
taken a full bottle of vodka

over to her table.

Yes, she said she wanted
some for her and her moose.

Why would you give
vodka to an alcoholic?

Alcofrolics, they love the vodka.

You did not know this?

Si.

He keeps looking at us.

Do you think he suspects?

He doesn't suspect anything.

Stop making eye contact.
Watch the stage.

Can't believe we have to spend the whole
week pretending to be a couple now.

I don't know what
you're complaining about.

It's worse for me.

How's it worse for you?

At least you look like
you're punching above your weight.

I'm the one they'll think's slumming it.

# So never leave me lonely

# Tell me that you love me only...

- Cyd.
- Franco.

You don't mind
if I call you Franco, do you?

Please, sit down.

I've already got the drinks in. Look.

Actually...

One drink.

# Let it be me

So... This is nice.

Perhaps we should have a toast to...

What's the thrust to fuel ratio
of this jet of yours, then, Frankie?

Fuel consumption
is over 300 gallons an hour.

Thrust is in excess of 8,000 pounds.

# Please let it be me #

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

# You ask me if I love you

# And I choke on my reply

# I'd sooner hurt you honestly

# Than mislead you with a lie...

Yeah, so I followed the trail of petals?

All the way through the kitchen
and out onto the patio,

and there he was.

Stood there in his tuxedo,
as handsome as the day we first met.

He put fairy lights round the gazebo
and he hired a string quartet

to perform our favourite song.

What were it again, babe?

Dancing Queen.

Dancing Queen.

And then he got down on one knee
and he showed me his ring.

Oh, it was
the most romantic night of my life.

Anyway I'm rambling...
Sorry, sorry.

Please, listen.

There is something that Kenneth and I
would both like to tell you.

Hold that thought. I'm just gonna go
and check on the babysitter.

Oh! [GIGGLING]

You have children?

Yeah, it seems that way.

I mean, I mean yes.

Yes, we have.

Twins.

Boy and a girl.

Little...Kylie and Jason.

That's why you must
continue to live your lie?

Yes.

I wish I'd brought it up earlier,
to be honest with you.

I understand, for I too had children.

Oh, I know, love.

And my wife took them away
when she learned the truth.

And I miss them, Kenneth.

I miss them so much.

You will not go through this, Kenneth.

I will not let you.

No.

So...

- That means...
- It means...

We cannot be.

You must be strong, Kenneth.

And you must learn to forget me.

I will. I mean, I'll try, Vlad.

Goodbye, Kenneth.

Goodbye.

Well, did it work?

Well, yeah, it seemed to.

Hey, you're gonna be
all right, you know.

Like Kenneth said,
there are plenty more men out there.

- I don't suppose you...
- For crying out loud, I'm not gay!

[MUSIC SWELLS]

# Sometimes when we touch

- Taken!
-# The honesty's too much...

Who's slumming it now?

Get off. He obviously
just didn't notice me.

[CHUCKLES]

# I wanna hold you till I die

# Till we both break own and cry

# I wanna hold you

# Till the fear in me subsides #

Let's give a big Neptune's thank you

to the wonderful Neil Ross.

Thank you, everyone. Thank you.

Right, ladies and gentlemen,

it's karaoke time again.

So, lets see who the performers are.

Right, looks like we have a double act.

And its Pauline and the Muse.

# Ooh, ooh, ooh

# Let's talk about sex, baby

# Let's talk about you and me

# Let's talk about all the good things
and the bad things that may be

# Let's talk about sex

# Let's talk about sex

# Let's talk about sex
# Let's talk about sex...

Two nuns... [LAUGHING]...

That's hilarious!

I told you it were good'un, didn't I?

See, I knew he'd like it.

Yeah.

So, another drink, Franco?

Uh, no.

No more. No more.

We really must go.

Tomorrow we fly home.

What?

It was nice to meet you.

We will not meet again.

Come.

Cyd?

I'm sorry Robbie.

# Let's talk about sex, baby
# Let's talk about you and me

[i]# Let's talk about
all the good things...

Rob, I am so, so sorry.

# Let's talk about sex

# Touch the mic

[PAULINE SLURRING INDISTINCTLY]

Oh, dear.

Is it just me, or do standards here
appear to be slipping?

It is just you.
We have always had these standards.

Well, not for much longer.

My husband, the Entertainments Manager,

is right now out there schmoozing
a very well-known celebrity.

And you are okay with this?

Obviously, since
he can't tell me who it is,

but he keeps dropping little hints.

Something tells me
we'll all be witnessing

something very special in a week or so.

Here comes the chorus,
don't let me down!

Get those arms in the air, everybody.
let's raise the roof.

Here we go.

# Hi ho silver lining

# Everywhere you go

# Now... [GRUNTS]

# I see your sun is shining

Hips!

# But I won't make a fuss

Your turn!

This one's for you, Noel.

Wow! [LAUGHING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]