02x10 - Anger Games

[bunniefuu]

You're saying that Val Kilmer's
nipples were so sensitive

that he had fake nipples
put on his Batman chest armor?

- Uh-huh.
- A. Wouldn't solve the problem.

B. What about Clooney?
His chest armor had nipples too.

Uh, it's common knowledge
that Clooney had his nipples

insured for a million dollars.

Why the hell would George
insure his nipples

- for a million dollars?
- Why? I'll show you why.

- My God, they're spectacular!
- Oh, yeah, they are.

- You're making that up.
- How did you know?

No one can afford two accountants.
Not even Clooney.

- Right, Wanda?
- Can't talk. Busy.

Too busy to talk about
Clooney's nipples? Since when?

Since I started programming
my own computer game.

Oh, computer game.
Sounds awesome.

It's an urban development game,
designing and building cities.

Sounds less awesome.

Oh, no, no, you're thinking
of other city design games.

Mine gets down and dirty,

into the real nitty-gritty of the city.

- I like nitty gritty.
- I like down and dirty. Let us play!

Come on, come on, please?

Well... I do need to get it beta tested,

and you guys are about as beta
as it gets.

All right, you can try it.

You guys talking
about computer games?

All right!
I love 'em!

- Chess, Checkers, Mahjong...
- So, board games on a screen, then.

You Gen-Xers, you always
got your nose in a computer.

In my day, we played games
on tables made of solid oak,

face to face, like real men.

Gather 'round, youngsters,
Dad's going to tell us

about the Great
Kerplunk Championship of '39.

When we were dating,
we used to have game nights.

We'd play Scrabble,
Risk, Monopoly, Sorry...

Don't apologize.
Those Parker Brothers really knew

how to show you a good time.
Remember Crokinole?

Uh, it's pronounced
"Whack-A-Mole."

Who could forget Crokinole?
Those were crazy times.

Speaking of crazy, when you're
playing computer solitaire,

you can change
the design of the cards,

like, any time you want!

Middle of a game,
playing with sunflowers,

then blammo!
Niagara Falls.

My game sounds pretty
exciting now, doesn't it?

♪ You think there's
not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby
you're so wrong ♪

2x10 - Anger Games

- How's lunch, Davis?
- It's not exactly what I ordered.

Oh, sh**t!
I gave you scrambled eggs.

You ordered over easy.

Chicken and waffles, actually,
but no worries, I'll eat this.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Davis.
How about I make it up to you

with a free box
of Prairie Leader cookies?

I'm helping sell them for their
annual anti-bullying campaign.

Unfortunate turn of phrase.

Those cookies taste so good

- with an ice-cold glass of...
- Milk!

- Exactly!
- Oh, I'm so sorry, Davis!

- Here, let me help with that.
- Coffee!

- Oh, geez! Sorry about that.
- It's all fine.

I'll just go to the bathroom
and clean myself up.

Huh. After all that, he
didn't even get angry.

Davis?
Yeah, he's pretty even-keeled.

He's the keelest person I know.

Come to think of it,
I've never seen him angry.

Hmm.
Can't say that I have either.

I see a lot of moody, some giddy.

I get a crap-ton of pouty...
but not angry.

That's not good. Bottling up anger
can be dangerous for health.

Health is important. Can I get
another pulled pork poutine?

There's milk in mine.

- Emma, look what I have.
- I'm sure it's impressive,

but Tuesday is when
we wiggle and giggle.

Not that! Horndog.

- The old Crokinole board!
- I found it in the basement.

You up for a game
for old times' sake?

Are you kidding?
Set it up.

- It's set up.
- Aren't there supposed to be game pieces?

Oh yeah.
Little pucks or something.

- So what do we do now?
- I have an idea.

- You can't wait until Tuesday?
- You started it.

You have no other pants
you can wear

while you're soaking the stain
out of your uniform?

I'm behind on laundry.
My washing machine broke,

and the manufacturer
isn't honoring the warranty.

Wow, that's gotta
make you a little angry.

That and walking around
like a carrot with a badge.

Well, there's a silver lining
to everything.

My negotiating skills are improving

by talking to customer service,

and these sweatpants
are hella comfortable.

What the...
I'm being audited.

You poor bastard.

Strangers combing through
your personal life.

So violating.
No silver lining in that.

Gives me chance to meet
other government employees.

Maybe ask them if you can
write off those sweatpants.

That was fast. I thought beta
testing would take longer.

Ooh, or were you guys
having so much fun

you had to stop
and catch your breath?

Honestly...
bit of a snore.

Big snore.
Snores galore.

- A snoregasbord.
- A Jersey snore.

Wait a minute, why am I...

- It's not boring!
- You said nitty gritty.

I did not find an ounce of nit nor grit.

And I was down to get dirty,

and there was no
dirty to be downed.

Where's all the action
you were talking about?

The action is slicing
through bureaucratic red tape,

battling city hall over permits,

while wrestling with the budget!

Yeah...
Uh, all we're saying is

maybe in between
the egg-head action,

- someone could sh**t someone.
- Or sever a limb with a battle Axe.

While in a high-speed chase.

People can be entertained
without v*olence.

Yeah, we just don't want
to hang out with those people.

- I refuse to pander!
- Ooh. A giant pander would be cool.

I found some things
we can use as game pieces.

I... I got three bottle caps

and a dried circle of ketchup
I scraped off a dinner plate.

Never mind that.

I just bought a box
of Prairie Leader Cookies.

They'll be perfect for game pucks.

Now we're cookin' with coconut.

And since you solved
our little puck problem,

- you can go first.
- Alrighty.

What the hell was that?

I'm setting up scouts.
King me!

- That's not how you play.
- Well, then, how do you play?

First you build a tower,

and each player tries
to pull a cookie out

without making it fall.

- That's Jenga.
- Oh.

You pinch one puck with another

to make it flip through the air.

- That's tiddly winks!
- Oh. Uh...

You roll a puck across the board.

If it falls before it reaches the end,

you have to chase me
around the table

and catch me before
I get back to my seat.

That's...
I have no idea what that is.

Are these the chocolate coated
cookies with mint filling?

No. They're the chocolate
and vanilla kind.

- Hmm.
- You were right.

There's something very unnatural
about Davis' lack of anger.

Which is why I think
we should make him mad.

Why would we do that?

Think of all that stress
building up in him with no outlet.

I had a cousin who had a heart
att*ck at 40 because of stress.

Wasn't he the one who worked
as a bacon tester?

At the pork factory?

Yeah, and when his doctor

made him quit smoking,
the stress k*lled him.

But you're talking about
purposely provoking

a giant of a man
who carries a big stick and a g*n.

For his own health.

I'm also considering
the health of bystanders,

some of whom spend
eight to 12 hours a day

working right beside him.

But if we do it in a controlled
way, we can prevent him

from blowing up over something
stupid someday in the future.

I don't like the chocolate ones.

- Could I buy half...
- Just buy a box already!

Aah!

I'll admit it. I might have
been a little precious earlier,

so I made some small
tweaks to the game.

I don't see much difference.
There's still no thrills.

Yeah, where's
the adrenaline rush?

Where's the adrenaline rush?

Player 1 has to make it
to city hall

before the permit office closes.

Does she wait for the walk light?
Does she jaywalk?

And she's running
4.5 miles an hour!

- In heels!
- How is that conflict?

Look down, idiot!
Subway grate.

Yeah, but there's no battling.

At the very least, give us
a physical altercation.

Fine, I'll show you.

One side, citizen!

Stand right, walk left.

Ha! She nearly knocked him
to the ground!

Talk about full tilt.

Wait!
Did you miss the giant panda?

I took your note!

Why the sigh, cherry pie?

- I have two flat tires on my car.
- Wow. Who the... I mean...

what happened there?
You're having quite the day.

Wouldn't blame you
for getting angry.

- Why is there a punching bag here?
- Lacey lent it to me.

I just hung it up there for now.

Flat tires, huh? Grr.

And what's with all
the clown noses?

Those are stress balls.

I got a deal on a whole box.
Here, try one.

- Ow!
- Sorry. Here's another one.

- Hey!
- And another.

- What are you doing? Karen, stop it!
- And another.

What are you laughing at?

I just realized how ironic it was

that I was getting stressed
at being hit by stress balls.

Stress? Balls?

Ow! Ooh.

- Get it?
- Yeah. Hilarious.

The rules must be here somewhere.

I can't believe you saved
all these instructions.

Half of them are appliance manuals.

"Congratulations on taking
your first step into the future

with the Crumb King 200"?

- Why are you reading that?
- Golden crisp booster button?

This was six toasters ago.
Hoard much?

Still working on your game?

Silent treatment.
I get it.

All because someone tried

to help someone make
someone's game better.

It's too bad, because someone
took time out of someone's day

to make someone
a list of suggestions for someone.

If someone hears
someone's suggestions,

- will someone shut up?
- Let's find out.

You know what's missing
in every cityscape game?

- A super-keen dork?
- The country.

The city is so limiting.

Create more of a world, if you will.

A fantastical world, with...
Ogres!

Why is the ogre wearing glasses?

I have a whole
back story for that,

but it's too much to get into.

Okay.
Cow dung, near-sighted ogres.

- Got it, thanks.
- No, no, there's more.

Planning on a picnic in the park?

The forecast is sunny,
with a chance of...

- Dragon!
- The dragon also wears glasses.

- Glasses are cool.
- Are they?

Oh, that really hurt.

I have no idea how that tack
got on your chair.

- How ya feeling, buddy?
- Anxious.

But nothing a nice cup
of Splendid Serenity

and some Prairie Leader cookies
won't cure.

- Where are my cookies?
- Oh, I helped myself to a few of them.

I mean, all of them.

You're not angry, are you?

Flat tire, tack in the ass,

I bagged him with a stress ball.
Zero anger!

I even ate all his
Prairie Leader Cookies,

- and I hate the chocolate ones.
- I'll take it from here.

"Hungry" is one letter away
from "hangry,"

which has the word "angry"
right in it.

- You ever notice that?
- Yeah. That's what that is.

Get ready to light
this lavender candle

when Davis explodes.

- Hungry, Davis?
- Hungry Hungry Davis!

I'll have a tuna melt.

- Sorry, we're out.
- Okay. Clubhouse sandwich.

We're out of that too.

- Oh. What's the soup?
- It's the one you hate.

Aw, I hate that one.
Plate of fries?

Nope, deep fryer's broken.
All we have is liver and onions.

Liver and onions, gross!
I'm starving here.

Get that candle ready.

Davis, you play
games on your computer.

- Show us how to play Crokinole.
- Cookies!

Don't!

- Mm.
- What are you doing?

You're supposed to use them
as game pieces.

Dammit!

- Those Brent's ideas?
- Mm-hmm.

I have some ideas too.

If you're nice to me,
I'll show 'em to you.

So I guess I'll never see them.

Okay, you don't have to be nice.
Just look at my ideas. Please?

Okay, toilet t*nk, show me.

- "Toilet t*nk"?
- We had a deal?

Fair enough.

Okay, every city
has its element of crime...

Stop. I'm not putting
bank robbers, mafia g*ons,

- and prost*tute assassins in my game.
- But that's the reality we live in!

At least put in a car chase.
People speed, right?

- Average people?
- Okay.

And sometimes people get angry

- and speed after the speeders.
- That's not untrue.

And maybe some of
those people carry g*ns.

- Forget it!
- But if you're using Brent's ideas,

then they're going to need g*ns
to protect themselves

from four-eyed ogres
and nerd dragons.

- I was considering Brent's ideas...
- Check these out.

Wow, you really know
how to paint a picture.

Actually, I just used pencil.

- What are you doing?
- I'm Yahooing the rules to Crokinole.

Player 1 tries to sh**t
their disc into the 20-hole.

If it doesn't land in the hole,
it stays in play in the 15 zone.

What the hell does that mean?

There's a video.
Clink on that.

Welcome to the world champion
Crokinole final in Sussex, England.

Nigel Conlon
and St. John Bonrad-Walmsly

are locked in heated battle,

Bonrad-Walmsly in the lead,

and holding the hammer in the fifth.

This is for all the quid.
Let's watch.

It just goes on and on.

It's like watching
British paint dry.

In slow motion,
with all the windows closed.

- I need some wine.
- Bring me some whiskey.

The good stuff,
from under the sink!

- You wanted to talk to me?
- Yes. I had some time to think

as I was choking down
my liver and onions,

and I realized I have a serious
problem to deal with.

Oh, thank god.

Acknowledging the problem
is half the battle, Davis.

And I just want you to know
that Karen and I are here

to help you with your anger issues.

What?

There are ways to deal with it.

We have more than enough
stress balls at the office,

and Karen, I think you should

give Lacey back her punching bag.
She needs it.

Lacey doesn't have anger issues.

- Maybe a bit of a short fuse...
- Zip it, Karen!

Davis, you're the one
with anger issues.

Or... lack of.

- Yeah. You never get angry.
- I get angry.

No, you don't.

Looking back, I can't think
of a single episode.

Episode?
Like a TV episode?

Like an incident.
A specific situation.

That is a weird way of phrasing it.

Oh, my god,
I've never been angry.

That makes me so...

- Angry?
- ...sad.

- Come on!
- Now I'm scared.

It's not the worst thing in
the world to not be angry.

It's not the greatest, either.

Without anger, I'm just
some kind of pacifist freak.

But, now that you're
aware, you can fix it.

Maybe talk to someone.

I am!
I'm talking to you guys.

And I'm getting panicky.
And nauseous.

Uh-oh, here comes
the liver and onions.

Mission accomplished.

The new version of my game
is finally finished.

What?
You were gone 40 minutes.

Explain to me how you were able
to program all those changes that fast.

First, I patched a collection
of off-the-shelf tools

to reduce the incidence of open bugs
and stabilize the code,

- creating a frictionless...
- Whoa, whoa, I think you're forgetting

I don't know
what any of those words mean.

I just added a smattering
of your fantasy ideas

and some of the street crime
that Hank wanted,

then wrapped it all up
into the farming industry.

Gentlemen, I present
to you my new game...

Grain Theft Ogre!

- No way!
- Awesome!

I also created a cool way
to personalize your characters

by using digital scans
of your actual faces.

- Ugh. That looks fake.
- Who has lips that big?

Ooh, okay, that is a creep show.

All right, scrub that.
We'll work the kinks out later.

Why do I have Grey whiskers?

I don't understand.
We used to love this game.

Just keep playing.
Maybe it'll put us to sleep.

Oscar Leroy in the final match
of the "Who Gives A Crap"

Crokinole Championship
from Blandville, Borington...

- I bet you can't do that again.
- I'll take that action.

If you miss, you have
to take a drink, and...

- eat a radish.
- A radish?

You're on.
Buckle up, buttercup!

So you lack the ability
to process an emotion.

- Is that so bad?
- Actually, most serial K*llers have that.

Where's my anger?
I'm all Bruce Banner and no Hulk.

All Beethoven and no Cujo.

Deep breaths, Davis.
You're starting to hyperventilate.

- Plus, those were two different dogs.
- This is your fault.

You should have left
well enough alone.

This is pretty cool.
So what's my character again?

You're a farmer ogre,
and you hired Stickman

to deliver and sell your grain,
but you find him in the city,

having gambled away all your gold.

- That dirty bastard.
- And what's my story?

You're a slimeball stickman very
close to getting an ogre b*ating.

High-speed truck chase!
Whoo-hoo!

- Try and catch me, four-eyes!
- Now it gets good.

Here, the ogre has the option
of contacting authorities

and filing an F4-8 claim to
compensate for lost property, or...

...punch out the mailman
and take his truck.

You're dead, Stickman!

No one's ever going to choose
the F4-8 option, are they?

I don't know why you're
upset with me.

I was only trying to help.

Maybe Davis should breathe
into this paper bag.

Kinda busy here, Mavis!

Look how she flies
off the handle like that.

You're so lucky to have
anger issues, Lacey.

- I don't have anger issues!
- Let's take you for little walk.

If anyone has issues, it's you,

- you emotionally stunted weirdo!
- No one likes a bully.

Yeah, well, no one
likes your cookies.

I'm sorry.
They kind of like the vanilla ones.

Try and snick a cookie in my mouth

when I have two radishes in it.

Butter up, buckercup.

This is the best game ever.

Way better when you're drunk
and make up your own rules.

Wait, that's what
we used to do

with all the games we played.

Right, we turned them
into drinking games!

We don't like games!
We like drinking.

Whoo!

This game is super responsive.

Yeah. Zero lag time.
Dragon!

- Lava-b*mb spitting dragon!
- Whoa!

Now you have the option
of calling a dragon control officer

- to safely remove...
- Lightning blast!

Or just try and k*ll it.

Hey, guys.
Is it okay if we hang out?

Davis needs to unwind.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come play Wanda's game.

- It'll take your mind off things.
- Good idea.

- Come on, buddy, let's check it out.
- I don't know.

- What do I do?
- First you gotta run away from Brent.

- Go! Go! Go!
- Keep an eye out for that dragon!

- Duck!
- Up up, down down, B, then A.

That's how you lightning-blast
the dragon.

I don't want to blast him.
I like dragons.

Then call dragon control instead.
Activate your wrist phone!

Davis, I want to apologize
for my behaviour.

Davis needs to take a minute.

- Don't you, partner?
- Huh?

Up up. Down down.
Chop chop.

- Wrist phone! 311!
- Davis?

- You can talk to Davis later.
- Davis! The dragon's got your stick legs!

- Up, down, left left!
- Up, down, left left.

You did it!
You k*lled the dragon!

No!
I'm... in... a...

bad... place...
right... now!

- You got angry!
- I got angry!

I did it!
♪ He got angry! ♪

- ♪ I got angry ♪
- He got angry!

You have that backed up
somewhere, don't you?

Of course I do...
on that laptop.

- Ooh. Someone had a wild night.
- Shh. Crokinole.

- Shh.
- Shh.

So, are you re-programming
your game on your new laptop?

Nope.
I found a game of pong online.

- Wanna play?
- The grand-daddy of video games.

Too bad they never expanded on it,

- you know, characters 'n' such.
- Use your imagination.

Hey, it works!

What?
Do I have something on my face?

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things
you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ It's a great big place ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ And it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know ♪