Last Tango in Paris (1972)

[bunniefuu]

f*cking God!

- A phone token, please.
- No tokens. At the end, on the left.

Maman? Yes, it's Jeanne.

I've found a flat to rent in Passy.
I'm going to see it.

Then I've got to go to the station
to meet Tom. I promised him.

OK, see you later. Bye!

I've come to see the flat.
I saw the sign.

- The sign?
- Yes.

It's always the same!
Nobody ever tells me anything.

- I'd like to see it.
- You want to rent it?

- I don't know yet!
- They rent, they leave...

..and I'm the last to know.

Do you think that's right?

If you want to go up alone...

...go on. I'm afraid of spiders.

The key is missing.

Strange things happen.

They drink six bottles a day.

Wait! Don't go!
There must be a duplicate.

Here it is.

You must be very young.

Let go of me!

She's crazy!

Who are you?

You gave me a fright.
How did you get in?

- Through the door.
- Yes. I left it open.

I didn't hear you come in.

- I was already here.
- Sorry?

It was you who took it.

I had to bribe the concierge.

These old houses are fascinating.

An armchair by the fireplace
would look good.

The armchair should go...

..in front of the window.

Are you American?

You've got an American accent.

- Are you going to take it?
- Are you?

I don't know.

What are you doing?

Là là!

Do I answer it or not?

Hello? Hello?

Hello.

Hello!

There's no one here.

There's no one!

I don't know.

So you're going to take it?
You've decided?

I had already decided.

But I'm not sure now.

Do you like it?

Do you like it?!

I don't know.
I shall have to think about it.

Think fast.

I thought you'd left.

Aah... God.

Jesus......

Christ.

God.

- Watch out!
- Have they taken us for someone else?

We're in a film. We're in a film.

If I kiss you...

...it might be cinema.

If I stroke your hair...

...it might be cinema.

What's going on? Do you know them?

It's a long story.
In short, Portrait of a Girl.

It's been accepted for television!
And the girl is you. It's you!

You're mad!
You might have asked me first.

Yeah, but I wanted...

I wanted to start with sh*ts of Jeanne
at the station meeting her fiancé.

Yes, I know them. They're my crew.

So you kissed me...

...and you knew it was being filmed.

You're a bastard! Traitor!

No, you'll see. It will be a love story.

Tell me, Jeanne, darling.
What did you do while I was away?

I thought of you day and night,
and I cried.

Darling, I can't live without you!

Wonderful! Cut! That was perfect!

I'd have finished by now...

...but the police
wouldn't let me touch anything.

They didn't believe it was su1c1de.
There was so much blood everywhere.

They had fun
making me do a reconstruction.

"She went there."

"She came through here."

"She opened the curtain."

I copied all her actions.

The guests were awake all night!

The hotel was crawling with cops!

They enjoy playing around with blood.

They were all spies!

Asking if she was sad,
if she was happy...

...if you fought...

...how long you'd been married,
why you didn't have any children.

Pigs!

They got familiar right away!

They said, "Your boss is a bit
unstable."

"Do you know that he was a boxer?"

So?

"It didn't work out...

...so he became...

...an actor."

"Bongo player...

...revolutionary in South America...

...journalist in Japan."

"One day, he lands in Tahiti...

...hangs around...

...learns French."

"Then he comes to Paris. There...

...he meets a woman with money,
marries her and..."

"Since then what has your boss done?"

"Nothing."

I say, "Can I clean up now?"

"No! Don't touch anything!"

"Do you really think
she k*lled herself?"

He pushed me into a corner
and tried to paw me...

Turn the tap off now.

They'll be doing the autopsy right now.

Why won't you turn the tap off?

They told me
to give you your razor back.

It's not mine.

They said they don't need it anymore.
The investigation is over.

Yes, she had cuts there...

...and on the neck, too... Agh!

Excuse me,
where shall I put this?

- You could have rung the bell.
- The door was open. I'll put it there.

In front of the fireplace.

- Careful, Madame.
- There.

- What about the table?
- How do I know? He'll decide.

- This is a king-size!
- It won't fit.

Well, your husband has no idea.
All this in an hour... It's not long.

What a mess!

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

The armchair goes
in front of the window.

Like that.

But I only came to return the key.

- To return it to you.
- I don't care about the key.

Take your coat off.

Take your coat off and help me.

OK.

Get those chairs and bring them here.

Put them on the other side.

Take that, too.

That's it.

You didn't waste any time.

Listen, monsieur!

I've got to go.

Look, sir! I've got to go.

The bed
is too big for the room.

I don't know what to call you.

I don't have a name.

- Do you want to know mine?
- No, no! I don't.

I don't want to know your name.

You don't have a name and I don't
have a name either. Not one name.

You're crazy!

Maybe I am, but I don't want
to know anything about you.

I don't wanna know where you live
or where you come from.

I wanna know nothing.

- You scare me.
- Nothing.

You and I are gonna meet here...

...without knowing anything
that goes on outside here.

OK?

But why?

Because...

Because we don't need names here.

Don't you see?

We're gonna forget...

...everything that we knew. Every...

All the people... all that we do...
wherever we live.

We're going to forget that,
everything, everything.

But I can't.

Can you?

I don't know.

Are you scared?

No.

Come.

- I thought you'd be here.
- I expected you later.

I took the first train.

Paul! How awful! How awful, Paul!

Papa is in bed with asthma.

The doctor wouldn't let him come.

It's better like that.

I'm stronger.

What are you looking for?

Something that would explain...

- A letter, a clue.
- Nothing.

I told you,
there's nothing, nothing at all.

My little Rosa wouldn't have...

Nothing for her mother. Not a word.

It's useless to keep on searching.

Not even for you, her husband!

You need to rest.

I think room 12 is free.

With a razor?

What time did it happen?

I don't know. In the evening.

And then?

Then I...
I already told you on the phone...

When I found her...

...I called the ambulance.

After you called...

...Papa and I stayed up all night...

...talking about Rosa and you.

Papa kept whispering...

...as if it had happened in our house.

Paul!

- Where did it happen?
- In one of the rooms.

Did she suffer?

Ask the doctors.
They're doing the autopsy.

The autopsy.

I already had some announcement cards.

I've seen a lot of death.

I think of everything.

I'll prepare her
a beautiful room with flowers.

The cards...

...clothes, relatives, flowers.

You've got everything in that suitcase.

You didn't forget anything.

But I don't want any priests here.

- But...
- No priests.

- But, Paul...
- Understand?

We have to.
Funerals must be religious.

No!

Rosa didn't believe.

Nobody believes in
the f*cking God here!

Paul, don't shout.
Don't talk like that.

The priest
doesn't want any suicides.

The Church doesn't
want any suicides, do they?

They'll give her absolution.

Absolution and a nice mass.
That's all I ask, Paul.

Rosa... Rosa is my little girl,
do you understand?

Rosa... Why did she k*ll herself?

Why? Why did she commit su1c1de?

Why?

You don't know?

You don't know.

Now...

Let's... Let's just look at each other.

It's beautiful without knowing anything.

Maybe...

Maybe we can come without touching.

Come without touching?

OK.

Are you concentrating?

- Did you come yet?
- No.

- It's difficult!
- I didn't either yet.

You're not trying hard enough.

I shall have to invent a name for you.

A name? Jesus Christ!

God, I've been called
by a million names all my life.

I don't want a name. I'm better off
with a grunt or a groan for a name.

Do you wanna hear my name?

- It's so masculine.
- Yeah.

Listen to mine.

I didn't get the last name.

You shouldn't
have done that to me.

It's not a wig, it's my hair.

Doesn't it suit me?
Tell me, don't you like it? Tell me.

Of course I like it.

Listen, you know...

I don't know.

You have changed, and yet you haven't.

I can see the sh*t now.

The camera is up high.

It descends slowly and follows you.

You come forward,
and it moves in on you.

There's music, too.

It gets closer and closer to you.

I'm in a hurry. Let's start.

But...

...can't we talk a little first?

Tonight we improvise.

You follow.

He was my childhood friend.

He used to watch me for hours and hours.
I think he understood me.

Dogs are worth more
than people. Much more.

Meet Olympia, my nanny.

Mustapha could always tell
the poor from the rich.

If someone well-dressed came in,
he never stirred.

But if someone scruffy came in,
you should have seen him! What a dog!

The colonel trained him
to recognize Arabs by their scent.

- Olympia, open the front door.
- Give me a kiss.

Go and open it.

Olympia is a compendium
of domestic virtues.

Faithful, admiring, and r*cist.

After Papa d*ed, we moved back
to the family home for a while.

My childhood was made up of smells.

Musty smells,
the smell of walls and rooms.

Children used to come and play
in my jungle, all day long.

Growing old is a crime.

That's me there.

And that's Mademoiselle Sauvage,
the teacher.

She was very strict...
and very religious.

She was too good. She spoilt you.

That's Christine...

...my best friend.

She married the pharmacist
and has two children.

It's like a village here.
We all know each other.

I couldn't live in Paris.

We're safe here.

- It's odd looking at the past.
- Cut!

Why is it odd? It's you!
It's fantastic, it's your childhood.

It's everything I was looking for.

What are you up to? Move it! Move it!

Who are these zombies who are
always following you around? Scoot!

Go on! The door, the door...

I'm opening the door.

I'm opening all the doors.

- What are you doing?
- Setting up my sh*t.

There it is! That's it! I've found it.

Reverse gear!

What are you doing there?

b*at it!

That's it. Into reverse. Yes!

Do you see?
Like a car, you go into reverse gear.

That's it. Close your eyes.

Start reversing. Close your eyes.

That's it, come on.
Come on backwards.

That's it.
Go back to your childhood.

- Papa?
- You're soaring.

- Take off and return to your childhood.
- In full uniform.

Don't be afraid. Overcome the obstacles.

Papa in Algeria.

You're 15.

14...

...13...12...

...11...10...9.

- We're there.
- My favorite route when I was eight.

My old notebook.

French homework.
Theme: the countryside.

Exposition:
the countryside is cow country.

The cow is all dressed in leather.

The cow has four sides:
the front, the back...

...the top and the bottom.

- Isn't that good?
- Beastly!

Here are my cultural sources.
Le Grand Larousse.

I just copied from it.

Menstruation. Noun.

Physiological function
comprising the discharge of menses.

Penis. Noun.

Male copulation organ,
measuring five to forty centimeters.

That's Le Petit Robert.

Tom! Tom!

Tom! Look!

- Who's that?
- My first love.

- Who?
- My cousin Paul. My first love.

- But his eyes are closed.
- What?

- His eyes are closed!
- He played the piano divinely.

That's how I remember him.

Sitting at the piano...

His fingers would skim the keys.

He played for hours and hours.

At the bottom of the garden,
there were two big trees.

A plane tree and a chestnut tree.

After mass on Sundays,
we used to sit there...

...each under our own tree.

It was wonderful.
We sat gazing into each other's eyes.

Aren't my trees beautiful?
They were my jungle.

- What are you doing?
- Having a sh*t.

No, we're doing a poo.

- Shame on you, doing it in my jungle!
- Watch out! Run for it!

These dirty little Arabs!
Go and sh*t in your own country!

Keep filming. Keep filming!

Don't stop, whatever you do!

- Did you get it?
- Everything.

Olympia was great.

It'll give a good idea of race relations
in the suburbs of Paris.

It's a real jungle here.

So, tell me about your father.

- I thought we'd finished.
- Five minutes.

- I'm meeting someone for work.
- But the colonel...

The colonel had green eyes
and shiny boots.

I worshipped him.

He was so handsome in his uniform.

What a steaming pile of horseshit.

What? Don't...

All uniforms are bullshit.

Everything outside this place
is bullshit.

Besides, I don't want
to hear about your stories,

about your past, and all that.

He d*ed in Algeria in '58.

Or '68 or '28 or '98.

'58.
And don't joke about things like that.

Why don't you stop talking
about things that don't matter here?

What the hell's the difference?

OK.

So what do I have to say?
What do I have to do?

Come on the good ship...

Why don't you go back in America?

I don't know.

Bad memories, I guess.

Of what?

My father was a...

...a drunk.

Tough. Whore-fucker, bar-fighter.
Super-masculine.

And he was tough.

My mother was very...

Very poetic.

And also a drunk.

And...

...one of my memories, when I was a
kid...

...was of her being arrested nude.

We lived in this small town.

Farming community. We lived on a farm.

And I'd come home after school...

...and she'd be gone.

In jail... or something.

And...

I used to...

I used to have to milk a cow...

I remember...

...one time I was all dressed up...

...to go out and take this girl
to a basketball game.

And I started to go out and my father
said, "You have to milk the cow."

I said, "Would you please
milk it for me?"

And he said,
"No, get your ass out there."

So I went out and I was in a hurry and
didn't have time to change my shoes.

And I had cow sh*t all over my shoes.

And on the way to the basketball game,
it smelled in the car.

I don't know.

I... I can't remember
very many good things.

Not one?

Yeah. Some.

There was a farmer, a very nice guy.

Old guy, very poor,
and worked real hard.

I used to work in a ditch,
draining land for farming.

And he wore overalls
and he smoked a clay pipe.

Half the time
he wouldn't put tobacco in it.

And I hated the work.

It was hot and dirty and...

...it broke my back.

And...

...all day long I'd watch his spit
which would run down the pipe stem...

...and hang on the bowl of the pipe.

And I used to make bets with myself
on when it was going to fall off.

And I always lost.

I never saw it fall off.

I'd just look around and it'd be gone
and then the new one would be there.

And then we had a beautiful...

My mother...

My mother taught me to love nature.

And...

I guess that was the most she could do.

And...we had...

In front of our house
we had this big field... meadow.

It was a mustard field in the summer...

...and we had a big black dog
named Dutchy.

She used to hunt
for rabbits in that field...

...but she couldn't see them.

So she'd have to leap up in this mustard
field and look around very quickly...

...to see where the rabbits were.

And it was...

...very beautiful.

And she never caught the rabbits.

You have been had!

Really?

I don't wanna know anything
about your past, baby!

You think I was telling you the truth?

Maybe.

Maybe.

I'm a Red Riding Hood
and you're the wolf.

What strong arms you have!

The better to squeeze a fart out of you!

What long nails you have!

The better to scratch your ass with.

What a lot of fur you have!

The better to let your crabs hide in.

Ooh, what a long tongue you have!

The better to...

...to stick in your rear, my dear.

What's this for?

That's your happiness and my...

...my ha-penis.

Peanuts?

Schlong.

Wienerwurst.

Cazzo.

Bitte. Prick! Joint!

It's funny.

It's like playing grown-ups
when you're little.

I feel like a child again here.

Did you have fun as a kid?

It's the most beautiful thing.

It's beautiful to be made
into a tattletale...

...or forced to admire authority...

...or sell yourself
for a piece of candy.

- I wasn't like that.
- No?

I was writing poems.

I was drawing castles...
big castles with tower.

A lot of tower.

- You never thought about sex?
- No. No sex.

- "No. No sex."
- Tower.

You were probably in love
with your teacher.

- My teacher was a woman.
- Then she was a lesbian.

- How did you know?
- That's classical.

But anyway.

My first love was my cousin Paul.

No!

I'm gonna get a hemorrhoid
if you keep telling me names.

No names. I don't mind if you tell
the truth, but don't give me the names.

Sorry. Sorry.

Well, go on. Tell the truth.

What else?

I was 13. He was dark, very thin.

I can see him. Big nose! A big romance.

I fell in love with him
when I heard him playing piano.

You mean when he first
got into your knickers.

He was a child prodigy.
He was playing with both hands.

I'll bet he was.

Probably getting his kicks.

We were dying of heat.

Yeah.
Good excuse. What else?

In the afternoon,
when the grown-ups were napping...

- You started grabbing his joint.
- You're crazy!

- Well, he touched you.
- I never let him!

Liar, liar, pants on fire,
nose as long as a telephone wire.

No, I'm not.

Look me straight in the face and say,
"He didn't touch me once."

He touched me, but the way he did it.

Aha! The way he did it.

OK, what did he do?

Behind the house, there were two trees.

A plane tree and a chestnut.

I sat under the plane tree
and he sat under the chestnut.

And one, two, three...
We each began to masturbate.

The first who came...

..won!

Why aren't you listening to me?

When did you first come?
How old were you?

The first time?

I was really late for school.

I started running and it was downhill.

All of a sudden,
I felt a strong sensation here.

So I ran and ran...

...and I came as I ran.

The faster I ran, the better it was
and the more I came.

A couple of days later,
I tried to do it again...

...but no luck.

Why aren't you listening to me?

Why do I feel like I'm talking
to a brick wall when I talk to you?

Your solitude weighs on me.

It isn't indulgent. It isn't generous.

You are selfish!

I can be by myself, too, you know!

I can't sleep with this music.

I came to this hotel a long time ago,
to spend one night.

And I stayed for five years.

When Papa and I had the hotel...

...people came here to sleep.

Now, there's all sorts.

They can hide, take dr*gs, play music.

Take your hand away.

You're not alone, Paul. I'm here.

Agh! You're crazy!

I'm starting to understand.

Do you want me to make them shut up?

OK. I'll make them shut up.

- What are you doing, Paul?
- I'm afraid!

What's the matter, Mother?
Are you upset? Don't be.

There's nothing to be upset about.

It takes so little to make them afraid.

I'll tell you what they're afraid of.

They're afraid of the dark.
Imagine that!

- Come on, Mother. Meet my friends.
- Put the light on!

You should meet
a few clients of the hotel.

Hey, folks.
I'd like you to say hello to Mom.

Mom, this is Mr. Juicehead Junky here.

And...

Mr. Saxophone, he's...
He's our connection, Mom.

He gives us some hard stuff
once in a while.

And right here
is the beautiful Miss Blowjob 1933.

She still makes a few points
when she takes her teeth out.

- The light, Paul.
- Say hello, Mom! This is Mom!

You afraid of the dark, Mom?

She's afraid of the dark.
Poor thing.

All right, sweetheart.
I'll take care of you.

I'll give you a little light.

I'll give you a little light.
Don't you worry.

- Good evening, Madame.
- Good evening.

Good evening, Marcel.

Goodnight, Paul.

Who's that?

Do you like him?

He was Rosa's lover.

What am I doing
in this apartment with you?

Love?

Well...

Let's say we're just taking a flying...

...a flying f*ck at a rolling doughnut.

So you think I'm a wore.

I think you're a what? A what? A wore?

- A wore.
- You mean whore.

Yes, a whore. Whore.

No, you're just a good old-fashioned
girl... trying to get along.

I prefer to be a whore.

Why were you
going through my pockets?

To find out who you are.

- To find out who you are.
- Yes.

Well, if you look real close,
you'll see me hiding behind my zipper.

Well, we know that he buys clothes
in some big store.

That's not much.

But it's a beginning.

That's not a beginning, that's a finish.

Well, OK. Let's forget it.

- How old are you?
- I'll be 93 this weekend.

- You don't look it!
- Thank you.

- Have you been in college?
- Yeah.

Yeah. I went to...

...the University of Congo.

- Studied whale-f*cking.
- Wow!

Barbers don't
usually go to university.

Are you telling me
that I look like a barber?

No, but that's a razor's barber.

That's a barber's razor.

Barber's razors, yes.

Or a madman's.

So you want to cut me up?

No.

That would be like
writing my name on your face.

Like they do to slaves?

Slaves are branded on the ass
and I want you free.

Free?! I'm not free!

You want to know why...

...why you don't want to know
anything about me?

- Because you hate women.
- Really?

What have they ever done to you?

Well... either they always
pretend to know who I am...

...or they pretend
I don't know who they are...

...and that's very boring.

I'm not afraid to say who I am.

I am 20 years old...

No! Jesus Christ!

Don't... Where is your brain?

State zitta.

Halt's Maul, Schweinehund. Shut up.

Get it?

I know it's tough
but you're gonna have to bear it.

You know, these sinks
are really beautiful.

They're very rare,
you don't find them anymore.

I think it's these sinks
that let you stay together.

Don't you think?

What's that? What's all this?

Mad? Mad?

Mad? Mad?

I think I'm happy with you.

Again!

Do it again!

Again!

I'm coming! I'm ready.

Shall we leave together?

Bastard!

He's a git! Not even goodbye!

- Tom!
- Jeanne!

What are you doing there?
I'm coming! I'll fly!

- Wait! I've got to talk to you.
- Why didn't you speak on the phone?

What's up?

- You must find someone else.
- For what?

- For your film.
- Why?

Because you're taking advantage of me.

Because you make me do things
I've never done.

Because you're taking up my time.

You make me do whatever you want.

The film is over!

I'm tired of being r*ped!

Come in!

You wanted to talk to me. Go on, then.

You know I haven't come
to cry with you?

Do you mind if I carry on working?

It helps me a lot
after what has happened.

Identical.

Rosa wanted them identical.

Our bathrobes?

You can't tell me anything
I don't already know?

Same color, same pattern.

Yes, yes, yes.

You're meticulous.

I've always wondered why
you save newspaper clippings.

Is it work? Or a hobby?

Hobby? I don't like that word.

Let's say it's some extra cash.
I do it for an agency.

So it's serious.

It's a job that makes you read?

Very educational.

Be honest.

You didn't know
we had the same bathrobes.

Marcello.

We've got a lot of things in common.

Marcello, I know everything.

No, Rosa often talked to me about you.

I don't think there are
many marriages like that.

It's strange.

I'm thirsty.

- Would you like a sh*t of bourbon?
- Hold on.

Here's the bourbon.

Was that a present from Rosa, too?

I don't really like bourbon...

...but Rosa wanted me
to keep a bottle here in my room.

I was asking myself this question.

If, with these little things...

...unimportant things...

...we could go back over things,
and understand together.

Together?

It's almost a year that Rosa and I...

Not passionately, but regularly...

I thought I knew her
as much as you can know...

- Your mistress.
- For example...

...a while ago, something happened
that I still don't understand.

Do you see there, on the wall?

She had climbed onto the bed...

...and she was trying to tear at the
walls with her hands.

I stopped her because
she was breaking her nails.

She had a strange... v*olence about her.

I'd never seen her like that.

Our room is painted white.

Rosa wanted it to be different
from the other rooms in the hotel.

To make it look like...

...a more normal home.

But...

...it had to be changed here, too.

I think she started with the wall.

A cold sore. I don't know. sh*t.

You're lucky?

You were...
You must have been very handsome...

...20 years ago.

Not as much as you.

You've still got all your hair.

My hair... I have to
have it trimmed often.

And wash it. I wash it nearly every day.

Don't you have massages?

Yes, I do.

You're in good shape.

What do you do for... your stomach?

That's my problem.

For that... I have a secret.

Tell me!

Are you leaving us?
I saw your suitcase was packed.

...America.

Why was she unfaithful to you?

You can't believe that Rosa...

...k*lled herself.

It's hard for me to...

...believe, too.

This is my secret!

Thirty times every morning.

Really, Marcello...

...I wonder what she ever saw in you.

Are you in?

Is anyone here?

Hi, monster.

Is something wrong?

There's butter
in the kitchen.

So you're here?

- Why didn't you answer?
- Go get the butter.

I have to hurry. I have a cab waiting.

Go get the butter.

It makes me crazy!

That you're so damned sure
that I'm coming back here.

Do you really think...

...that an American sitting
on the floor in an empty flat...

...eating cheese and drinking water
is interesting?

There's something under here.
Can you hear it?

- It's hollow.
- Can you hear it?

- It's hollow.
- That's a hiding place.

- Don't open it!
- Why not?

I don't know. Don't open it.

What about that? Can I open that?

Wait a minute.

Maybe there's jewels in it.

Maybe there's gold.

- Are you afraid?
- No.

No?

You're always afraid.

No, but... maybe there is
some family secrets inside.

Family secrets?

I'll tell you about family secrets.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna tell you about the family.

That holy institution...

...meant to breed virtue in savages.

I want you to repeat it after me.

No and no!

- No!
- Repeat it.

Say, "Holy family."

Come on, say it.

Go on. Holy family.

Church of good citizens.

Church...

Ch...

- Good citizens.
- Good citizens...

Say it. Say it!

The children are tortured
until they tell their first lie.

The children...

..are tortured...

Where the will is broken...

...by repression.

Where the will... broken... repression.

Where freedom...

Free... Freedom!

...is assassinated.

Freedom is assassinated by egotism.

Family...

Family...

You...

You...

You... You f...

You...

...f*cking...

...f*cking... family.

You f*cking...

...family!

God... Jesus.

You...

sh*t!

Hey, you!

Yes, you!

I've got a surprise for you.

- What?
- I've got a surprise for you!

That's good.

I like surprises.

What is it?

Music. But I don't know how to work it.

Do you enjoy that?

Do you know
why I sent the others away?

Because you're angry,
or you want to be alone with me?

And why do I want to be alone with you?

You have something
really serious to tell me.

I have something really
very serious to tell you.

- Is it happy or sad?
- It's a secret.

So it's happy.
What sort of secret?

- A secret...
- Speak up! I can't hear anything.

- ...between a man and a woman.
- Is it dirty or is it about love?

About love. But that's not all.

A secret about love,
but which isn't love.

What is it?!

That in a week I'm marrying you.

- What?
- I'm marrying you.

- What?!
- I'm marrying you!

- You're marrying me?
- Yes!

- We're getting married?
- Yes.

- No?
- Yes.

- No!
- Yes.

- Yes?
- Yes.

- No.
- Yes.

- Yes?
- No.

- Are we getting married or not?
- I don't know.

- So, yes, then?
- Yes!

- No!
- Yes!

- Yes.
- No.

Yes or no?

Of course,
I'll send everything to the country.

What do you think, Jeanne?

Olympia will be happy.

I went there yesterday with Tom.

She's preparing a family museum.

Of course, I'm not sending the boots.
I'm keeping them with me.

I get strange shivers when I touch them.

All these m*llitary things never age.

When I was little,
it seemed really heavy...

...when Papa taught me how to sh**t.

I'm keeping that here.

In a respectable household,
it's useful to have a w*apon.

You don't even know how to use it.

The important thing is to have one.
It makes an impression.

You really kept everything of Papa's.

Who's that? His orderly?

A fine example of a Berber.

A strong race. I tried to employ them
as servants, but it was disastrous.

I'm glad I decided to send everything
to the country.

All his things were
piling up and piling up.

Don't worry.
You'll soon have all the space you want.

What does that mean?

Nothing.

Madame, the colonel's lady...

...I announce...

What? What?

On this solemn day...

What? What solemn day?

I'm getting married in a week!

- What did you say?
- To Tom! In a week!

- Pardon?
- Tom!

- In a week!
- What are you doing in a week?

Five... two!

Move into sh*t! We're sh**ting!

So... how do you see marriage?

- Marriage?
- Yes.

I see it everywhere. All the time.

What do you mean, everywhere?

- On walls. On buildings.
- Walls and buildings?

Yes, on advertising hoardings.
What are they selling?

Cars. Tinned meat. Cigarettes.

No. They're all about young couples.

Before marriage, no children.

Then the same couple,
married with children.

In short, marriage.

The perfect, ideal, successful marriage.

It's no longer
the preserve of the Church.

The husband was burdened with
responsibilities and the wife nagged.

Now, weddings in advertising smile!

They smile. On posters.

On posters, of course. But why
not take poster marriage seriously?

Marriage... Pop marriage!

Pop? That's the formula.

For pop youth, pop marriage!

But... what if the pop marriage
doesn't work?

Then you have to fix it
like you would a car.

The spouses are two workers
in overalls...

...bending over an engine to fix it.

And in case of adultery
what happens to the pop marriage?

In that case,
there are three or four workers.

What about love?

Is love pop?

No. That's not. Love isn't pop.

Love isn't pop. So what is it?

The workers retire to a secret flat...

...take off their overalls
and become men and women again...

...and make love.

You're wonderful.

It's the dress that makes the bride.

You're better than Rita Hayworth.

Better than Joan Crawford!

Better than Kim Novak!

Better than Lauren Bacall!

Better than Ava Gardner...

...when she was Mickey Rooney's lover!

What are you doing?
Stop! Stop, but keep filming!

Why aren't you filming in the rain?
You're crazy!

- Where's Jeanne?
- She must have run off.

When? In the rain?

Jeanne!

Jeanne! Jeanne!

Jeanne!

Please forgive me!

Forgive me!

I wanted to leave you and I couldn't.

I wanted to leave you and I couldn't.

I can't.

I can't leave you, do you understand?

Do you still want me?

Bang!

Voilà!

You're wet.

A rat.

Only a rat.

There are more rats
in Paris than people.

Yum, yum, yum.

- I want to go!
- Wait, wait!

Don't you want a bite first?
You don't want to run and eat.

This is the end!

This is the end, but I like to start
with the head. That's the best part.

Are you sure you won't have any?

OK.

- What's the matter? You don't dig rat?
- I wanna go!

I can't make love
in this bed any more. I can't.

It's disgusting! Nauseating!

Well, we'll f*ck on the radiator...

...or standing on the mantel.

I gotta get some mayonnaise for this.
It really is good with mayonnaise.

I'll save the assh*le for you.

Rat's assh*le with mayonnaise!

I want to get out of here. I want to go.

I can't stand it here anymore.

Yes. I'm going.

I'm not coming back...

...ever.

Quo vadis, baby?

I forgot to tell you something.

I fell in love with somebody.

Isn't that wonderful?

You know, you're going to have
to get out of these wet duds.

I'm going to make love with him!

Well...

...first you have to take a hot bath.

Cos if you don't,
you're gonna get pneumonia, right?

And then you know what happens?

You get pneumonia,
then you know what happens?

You die.

And then,
you know what happens when you die?

I get to f*ck the dead rat.

I'm in love.

You're in love? How delightful.

I'm in love!

I'm in love, you understand?

I'm in love, I'm in love!!

I'm in love!

Ooh!

You know, you're old!

- You're getting fat.
- Fat, is it? How unkind.

Half of your hair is out...

...and the other half is almost white.

In ten years, you'll be
playing soccer with your tits.

What do you think of that?
You know what I'm gonna be doing?

You will be on a... wheelchair!

Well, maybe.

But, you know...

...I'll be smirking and giggling
all the way to eternity.

How poetic.

But please, before you go, wash my feet.

OK.

Noblesse oblige.

You know, he and I, we make love.

Really? That's wonderful.

- Is he a good fucker?
- Magnificent.

You know, you're a jerk.

'Cause the best f*cking you're gonna get
is right here in this apartment.

Stand up.

He is full of mysteries.

Give me the soap.

Listen, you dumb dodo.

All the mysteries that you're ever
gonna know in life are right here.

He is like everybody but...
at the same time he's different.

You mean, like everybody.

Yeah, but... even he fright me.

Even he frightens me.

What is he, your local pimp?

He could be. He looks it.

You know why I'm in love with him?

I can't wait.

Because he know. He know how
to make me fall in love with him.

You want this man you love
to protect and take care of you.

Yeah.

You want this golden,
shining, powerful warrior...

...to build a fortress
where you can hide in.

So you don't have to ever... have...

You don't ever have to be afraid.

You don't have to feel lonely or empty.

- That's what you want, isn't it?
- Yes.

- Well, you'll never find it.
- But I find this man.

Then it won't be long until he'll want
you to build a fortress for him...

...out of your tits
and your c**t and your hair...

...and your smile
and the way you smell.

And... and some place where he can
feel comfortable and secure enough...

...so that he can worship
in front of the altar of his own prick.

- But I find this man!
- No, you're alone.

You're all alone.

You won't be free
of that feeling of being alone...

...until you look death
right in the face.

I mean, that sounds like bullshit...

...some romantic crap...

...until you go right up
into the ass of death.

Right up in his ass...
till you find the womb of fear.

And then... maybe...

Maybe then, you'll be able to find him.

But I find this man.

He's you! You are that man!

Get me the scissors.

- What?
- Get me the fingernail scissors.

No. I want you to cut...

...the fingernails
on your right hand, these two.

That's it.

I want you to put
your fingers up my ass.

What?

Put your fingers up my ass,
are you deaf?

Go on.

I'm gonna get a pig...

...and I'm...
I'm gonna have the pig f*ck you.

I want the pig to vomit in your face...

...and I want you to swallow the vomit.

Are you gonna do that for me?

Yeah.

Yeah!

I want the pig to die while...

...while you're f*cking him.

Then you'll have to go behind him.

I want you to smell
the dying farts of the pig.

Are you gonna do all of that for me?

Yes, and more than that!

And worse!

And worse than before.

You look ridiculous
in that makeup.

Like the caricature of a whore.

A little touch of Mommy in the night.

Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub.

I wish you could see yourself.
You'd really laugh.

You're your mother's masterpiece.

Christ!

There are too many f*cking flowers
in this place. I can't breathe.

You know on the top of the closet?

The cardboard box, I found all your...

I found all your little goodies.

Pens, key chains...

..foreign money,
French ticklers, the whole sh*t.

Even a clergyman's collar.

I didn't know you collected all
those little knick-knacks left behind.

Even if the husband lives...

...200 f*cking years...

...he's never going to be able
to discover his wife's real nature.

I mean, I...

I might be able
to comprehend the universe...

...but...

...I'll never discover the truth
about you. Never.

I mean, who the hell were you?

Remember that day...

...the first day I was there?

I knew that I couldn't
get into your pants unless I said...

...What did I say?

Yeah.

..."May I have my bill, please?
I have to leave."

Remember?

Last night...

...I ripped off the lights
on your mother.

And the whole joint went bananas.

All your... guests...

...as you used to call them...

Well, I guess that
includes me, doesn't it?

It does include me, doesn't it?

For five years, I was more a guest in
this f*cking flophouse than a husband.

With privileges, of course.

And then, to help me understand you...

...you let me inherit Marcel.

The husband's double,
whose room was the double of ours.

And you know what?

I didn't even have the guts to ask him.

Didn't have the guts to ask him
if the same numbers you and I did...

...were the same numbers
you did with him.

Our marriage was nothing more
than a foxhole for you.

And all it took for you to get out was
a 35-cent razor and a tub full of water.

You cheap, g*dd*mn, f*cking,
godforsaken whore.

I hope you rot in hell.

You're worse than the dirtiest
street pig anybody could find,

and you know why?
You know why? Because you lied.

You lied to me and I trusted you.
You lied.

You knew you were lying!

Go on, tell me you didn't lie.

Haven't you got anything
to say about that?

You can think up something,
can't you?

Go on, tell me something!
Smile, you c**t!

Go on, tell me...
tell me something sweet.

Smile at me and
say I just misunderstood.

Go on, tell me.

You pig-fucker!

You g*dd*mn, f*cking, pig-f*cking liar.

Rosa...

...I'm sorry...

I just can't...

I can't stand it...

...to see these g*dd*mn things
on your face.

You never wore makeup.

This f*cking sh*t.
I'm gonna take this off your mouth.

This lipstick...

Rosa... God!

I'm sorry.

I don't know why you did it.

I'd do it too, if I knew how.

I just don't know how.

I have to... I have to find a way.

Is anyone there?

What?

There was a noise in there!

All right, I'm...

I'm coming.

I have to go.

I have to go, sweetheart, baby.
Somebody's calling me.

Well? Is anyone there?

Yeah. I'm coming.

Here he is. Hurry up!

Wake up!

- Open up! Open up!
- It's four in the morning.

I need room four for a while.

Half an hour? Yes, that'll do.

Yes, half an hour.

- We're full.
- That's not true.

When you're full,
you put a sign outside.

I know the hotel.

I'm sick of arguing out on the street.

Call the owner.

What are you waiting for?
The owner has never made a fuss.

Rosa and I are old friends.

Open up.

Don't make any trouble
or I'll tell your boss.

Come in, it's all sorted...

You've won. He's taken off.

I'm very sorry.

Hurry up! He can't be far away.

Make him come back.
Tell him he can't just walk off.

...please don't
tell her you found me.

I don't fancy it any more.
Did you see her face?

Once, my wife satisfied me.

But now she's got a skin disease.
It's like snakeskin.

- Put yourself in my place.
- Come. Come with me.

But... let go of me!

You're crazy!

Let go of me! Let go!

Get the f*ck out of here!

f*gg*t!

No!

Try and remember!
The man from the fourth floor.

He moved in a few days ago.

I told you, I don't know anyone.

They come and go. The man on
the fourth, the woman on the first.

What do I know?

Where did they take the furniture to?
It's empty.

Where do you send his mail?
Give me his address.

I don't have it.

I don't know these people.

- Not even his name?
- Nothing!

Mam'zelle!

I've found a flat for us.

1, rue Jules Verne.

Yes. In Passy.

Come quickly! You'll come now?

Do you know where it is?

I'll wait for you. Come over.

Come in, it's open.

Do you like our flat?

It's very light.

There's a tiny room, too.
It's too small for a double bed.

It would be fine for a child.

Fidel. That's a nice name for a boy.

Fidel, as in Castro.

But I'd like a girl, too.

Rosa. As in Rosa Luxemburg.

Less famous, but I like it.

You know...

...I wanted to film you every day.

In the morning, when you wake up...

...in the evening, when you sleep.

When you first smile...

...and I didn't film any of that.

Here.

Today is the last day of sh**ting.

The film is finished.

I don't like things that finish,
things that end.

You have to start
something else right away.

This flat is huge!

- Where are you?
- I'm here!

- It's too big! We'll get lost!
- Stop it! Don't start!

- How did you find this flat?
- By chance.

- We'll change everything!
- Everything!

We'll change chance to destiny.

Go on, Jeanne. Take off!

Fly away, you're in heaven!

You're soaring, you're in heaven!

Come down, take a nose dive,
come down!

Make three turns, come down.

Jeanne, what's happening?
There's an air pocket.

What's happening?

The patches of turbulence are over.

We can't play like children
anymore, Jeanne.

- We're adults.
- Adults? That's awful!

Yes. It's awful.

What do adults do?

I don't know.

We'll have to invent
the gestures and the words.

For example, adults...

But there's one thing I do know.

Adults are calm, serious...

...logical, measured, level-headed.

Yes.

- And... they face up to problems.
- Yes, yes. Yes, yes.

You see, Jeanne,
this flat won't work for us.

This flat, it won't work for us, Jeanne.

- Where are you going?
- To look for a flat.

What kind of flat?

A flat we can live in.

We can live here.

It's squalid. It smells.
It makes me sick.

- Are you coming with me?
- No, no.

I've got to close the windows
and return the key. There's a lot to do.

OK.

- Bye.
- Bye.

It's me again.

It's over. It's over.

It's over, then it begins again.

What begins again?
I don't understand anything anymore.

There's nothing to understand.
We left the apartment.

Now we begin again
with love and all the rest of it.

- The rest?
- Yeah, listen.

I'm 45. I'm a widower.

I've got a little hotel,
a kind of a dump.

But it's not completely a flophouse.

And...I used to live on my luck,
and I got married.

My wife k*lled herself.

But you know, what the hell.

I'm... no prize.

I picked up a nail
when I was in Cuba in 1948...

...and now I got a prostate
like an Idaho potato.

But I'm still a good stick man,
even if I can't have any children.

Let's see.

I don't have any stomping grounds.
I don't have any friends.

I suppose if I hadn't met you...

...I'd probably settle
for a hard chair and a hemorrhoid.

Anyway, to make a long,
dull story even duller...

...I come from a time when a guy like me
would drop into a joint like this...

...and pick up a young chick like you...
and call her a bimbo.

I'm awfully sorry to intrude...

...but I was so struck
with your beauty...

...that I thought I could offer you
a glass of champagne.

Is this seat taken?

- No.
- May I?

If you'd like to.

Garçon!

You know, the tango is a rite.

Do you understand "rite?"

And you must watch
the legs of the dancers.

No!

You haven't drunk your champagne
because it was warm.

And then I ordered you a Scotch
and you haven't drunk your Scotch.

Come on. Just a sip for Daddy.

Now, if you love me,
you'll drink all of it.

OK, I love you.

Bravo!

Tell me about your wife.

Let's talk about us.

OK.

But this place is so pitiful.

Yes, but I'm here, aren't I?

Monsieur Maître d'Hôtel.

That's rather nasty.

Anyway, you dummy, I love you.

And I want to live with you.

In your flophouse?

In my flophouse.
What the hell does that mean?

What the hell difference does it make...

...if I have a flophouse
or a hotel or a castle?

I love you.
What the f*ck does it matter?!

The jury has chosen...

...the following ten best couples:

Number three!

Seven!

Eight... Nine...

...11...12...

...13...14...

...15...and 19!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
good luck for the last tango!

Give me some more whisky.

I thought you weren't drinking.

But I'm thirsty now
and I want some more drink.

All right.
I think that's a good idea.

Wait a minute.

Because you're really beautiful.
Wait a minute.

I'm sorry.

I'm terribly sorry.
I didn't mean to spill my drink.

Let's have a toast...

...to our life in the hotel.

No! f*ck all that! Come on.

Hey, listen.

Let's drink a toast
to our life in the country.

You're a nature lover?
You didn't tell me.

For Chr... I'm a nature boy.

Can't you see me with the cows
and the chicken sh*t all over me?

Yeah.

- To the house of the cows.
- Cows.

I will be your cow, too.

And listen...

I get to milk you twice a day.

- How about that?
- I hate the country.

- You hate the country?
- I hate it!

I prefer to go to the hotel.

- Come on, let's go...
- No. Let's dance.

Come on. Don't you wanna dance?

We can start again.

That's the limit!
What are you doing?

You'll have to leave, sir.

Madame! 'Tis ever love.

Go to the circus
if you want to see love!

Go on! Get out of here!

You'll have to leave.

Kiss me, sweetheart!

Farewell, you sweet peach blossom.

I could dance forever.
My hemorrhoid!

Beauty of mine, sit before me.

Let me peruse you
and remember you always like this.

Garçon! Champagne!

If music be the food of love, play on.

What's the matter with you?

It's finished.

What's the matter with you?

- It's finished!
- What's finished?

We're never going
to see each other again. Never!

That's ridiculous.

- That's ridiculous!
- It's not a joke.

- You dirty rat!
- It's finished.

Look, when something's finished,
it begins again.

I'm getting married!

I'm going away.

It's finished.

Jesus.

Listen, that's not a subway strap,
that's me cock!

It's finished!

Jesus!

Wait a minute!

You dumb bimbo!

sh*t! Wait a minute. g*dd*mn it!

Hey!

Hey, rube! Come here!

Come here!

Come here!

I'm gonna get you!

Bimbo!

Stop! Stop!

- Hold it!
- It's over.

- Hey, cool it!
- Stop it! We're finished.

Go away! Go away! Go away!

Go away!

I can't win.

Give me a break!

I'll call the police!

Aha! I smell the henhouse.

Well, sh*t, I'm not in your way.

After you, mademoiselle!

So long, sister.
Besides, you're a crummy-looking broad.

I don't give a damn
if I never see you again.

sh*t.

It's over!

It's over!

- f*ck the police.
- It's over!

Listen, I want to talk to you.

Help!

Help! Help!

Please, help!

Help! Help!

Man!

Help! Help me!

Help!

This is getting ridiculous.

It's the title sh*t, baby.

We're going all the way.

It's a little old...

...but full of memories?

Mademoiselle...

How do you like your hero?

Over easy or sunny-side up?

You ran through Africa and Asia...

...and Indonesia.

And now I've found you.

And I love you.

I wanna know your name.

Jeanne.

Our children.

Our children.

Our children...

...will remember.

I don't know who he is.

He followed me in the street.

He tried to r*pe me. He's a lunatic.

I don't know what he's called.

I don't know his name.

I don't know who he is.

He tried to r*pe me.

I don't know.

I don't know him.

I don't know who he is.

He's a lunatic.

I don't know his name.