Happy Ever Afters (2009)

[bunniefuu]

[Up-tempo piano plays]

What's that?

Are you ready, Ma?
We don't have all day.

OK, keep your knickers on.
Almost there.

You're kidding me, right?

- Who put you in charge?
- Hiya.

All right. I'll get changed.

- What's up?
- Guess.

- Now?
- No!

I have nothing else.

Just do it, would you?

Don't look at me.

[Gargles]

Yeah, I do, yeah.

I do.

- Finally.
- Oh, Maura, you look gorgeous.

- What's he doing in there?
- Come on, Peter Perfect! You'll do!

Dessie, will you watch the bloody kids?

Come down here, you lot.
D'you hear me? Down!

[Groans]

Did they run out of material
when they were making that?

Yeah, they did. They used it all up
trying to cover your arse.

You little...

What am I gonna do? Look at it!

- What did you do that for? You eejit.
- What can we do?

Nothing. It's f*cked.

[Groans] We're gonna have to
call off the wedding.

- Good idea.
- Here, take mine, son.

- But what are you gonna wear?
- No worries. I've loads.

There, now.

Thanks.

You look lovely, by the way.

Thanks.

- [Doorbell rings]
- The car's here! Hurry!

D'you hear her? She thinks
she's the one getting married.

- You have told her, haven't you?
- Of course.

- Everything?
- Yeah.

Nearly.

Oh! Tell me I don't look like
a f*cking princess.

- I'll do your hair.
- [Girl] Ma!

- No! It's mine!
- [Man] Bring it round.

- Ma!
- What are you doing?

- Don't push it. Steady as you go.
- Can you not wait till tomorrow?

Too late, love.
You haven't made a payment in months.

You can get it back
if somebody doesn't buy it.

- What are we supposed to sit on?
- I'm sure you'll find something.

- I'm getting it re-covered.
- Maura O'Reilly?

- Maybe.
- There you go, love.

- Eviction notice? I don't want this.
- Don't sh**t the messenger.

Molly, would you get my bag?
I think it's upstairs.

Oh. I didn't realise
things were that bad.

If you need some money, I have a bit.
I could lend it to you.

No, no. I have it under control.
But it's sweet of you to offer. Thanks.

Showtime.

There you are, me dears.
You look... marvellous, marvellous.

[Engine revving]

Stop!

- I need a quick one.
- What? You can't.

I'll just be a minute.
I need something to steady my nerves.

- No! Will you stop?
- Come on.

- Just a vodka. Molly...
- Stop. Drive! Drive!

- [Maura] Just a little one.
- No!

Don't worry, Father.
She was late the last time, too.

- Last time?
- Yeah, this is our second.

- Second time getting married.
- What, the same girl?

Yeah. We had... problems the first time

and got divorced, but we're sorted now.

Oh. It was meant to be so.

Hmm.

[Church bell rings]

[Tyres squealing]

Wait.

I'm... I'm not making
a big mistake, am I?

- But it's all arranged.
- I'm hearing alarms in my head.

They're the church bells, dummy.

It's up to you, love.

Come on.

- [# Wagner: Bridal Chorus]
- Ah.

Hi.

Now, do you, Frederick Butler,
take Sophie Maguire...

...for your lawful wedded wife,

...to have and to hold,
from this day forward,

for better or for worse...

...for richer or for poorer,
in sickness and in health,

until death do you part?

[Indistinct muttering]

I do.

I do.

I do.

I do.

- I now pronounce you husband and wife.
- [# Mendelssohn: Wedding March]

You may kiss the bride.

- [Church bells ring]
- [Cheering]

- Ow!
- [Both] Sorry.

Well, congratulations again, Freddie.

We'll have a little chat later on, huh?

OK. Sure, Mr Maguire, sure.

Sophie, breathe in.

Oh! You have put on weight
since the last time.

Jesus Chr...

- I never thought I'd live to see this.
- Me neither.

I've managed to avoid it for 30 years
and now here I am,

and I'm not even gonna
get a ride tonight.

[Cheering]

Right, let's get pissed.

Looks kosher to me, gov. Lunch?

Bit of a coincidence, isn't it,
with him up for deportation next week?

But it's Saturday.

Got something better to do, have you?
Big plans?

- No.
- A hot date? Washing your hair?

No, you don't.

And I am dying for a slash. Duck.

Molly.

I look like a hippo. I do, don't I?

You look gorgeous.
You look gorgeous.

Don't mind the old bag, eh?
Just relax. Just relax, come on.

- It's our perfect day.
- Yeah, you're right.

Come on, Sophie, relax.

Relax.

How are you doing, Dad?

- I'm fine, Molly. How are you?
- Very good. Thanks, Dad.

[Phone bleeps]

Haven't you got something for me?

Oh, yeah, um...

I'll give it to you later.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

- Oh!
- What? Oh.

- Did you see what that guy did?
- Who?

Bloody cheek.

Follow that car! Come back here,
fella, and do that again!

- I'll cut off your balubas!
- Oh! Found it.

- [Maura] I'm talking to you! You!
- Oh, thank God.

- You OK?
- Yeah.

Hey, beautiful.

Hello. Welcome to the Napoleon Hotel.

Hi.

[Maura] Who's that?

[All arguing]

Please, please, please, please,
please, be quiet! Please!

Nobody said anything to me about two
weddings. I booked this hotel for today.

- Hey, me too.
- Yeah, so did we, sunshine.

Do you mind? We're having
a private conversation with the manager.

Oh.

Hey. Shotgun wedding, was it?
Still time to run.

[Sophie] What did she say?

Nothing. Um...
Look, what's going on here?

Lts OK. We have two reception rooms
here. There is no problem.

There. Ya happy now, Barbie?

- What does she mean by that?
- Leave it, Barbie. Leave it, Sophie.

- She's not worth it.
- Hey, there's no need to get personal.

Ladies and gentlemen, please,
all is under control.

Could the Butlers please go with Michael
and take to the left?

The Okinwes follow me to the right.

- Thank you.
- I didn't even understand that.

- This way.
- Come on, everyone! This way!

Cheerio! Congratulations.

You are very welcome, sir.

Everything as you request.

The main room. This is the dancing room.
And you've got the dining room.

I could m*rder a coke, Dad.

- I'll get you one, OK?
- Thanks.

Hey, could you stop calling him that?
He's not your dad.

He is now.
I was at the wedding, remember?

Seen anyone for me?

Hey, he's cute.

- Hey.
- How are you? Are you well?

Good, thanks. How are you?

Don't worry, love. Fate'll send you
someone when you least expect it.

I've no faith in fate.
It always lets me down.

Hey.

Right, what'll youse have?

If you'd like to follow me, the wedding
photographs will be taken in the garden.

Ah, Jesus. Can we not use the photos
from the last time?

- It's the same people.
- We are doing everything right, OK?

This is the real wedding.
Forget about the last one.

- Da.
- Come on, now, everybody outside.

Follow me, please.

Come this way.

OK, nice and close together.
That's it. That's lovely.

Thank you. Nice, happy smiles.

Sophie, smile. More.

- That's great. And again.
- Is that the best you can do?

Sorry, excuse me, excuse me.
I just... How do I do this?

There.

- Is that your sh*t?
- Yes.

- All right.
- That's it. OK, here we go.

One more. Lovely.

Have one of me and Freddie, eh?

You'd better not hurt my daughter again,
do you hear me?

- I wouldn't.
- That's good.

OK.

We'll just have one more.
Yeah, just take one more.

Ooh.

I'll be keeping me eye on you,
all right, boy?

Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Right, let's go eat.

- See you inside.
- Hey, guys.

See you.

Oh, sh*t.

Yeah, be... Be there in a minute. So...

- That's me da there.
- He's not your da.

- He is. How would you know?
- You're a liar, pants on fire.

He is me da. And you were adopted.

Your real parents were axe murderers
who cut off your granny's head.

- No, they're not.
- Go ask if you don't believe me.

Ma!

Ah, champagne, Mary.
James, how are you?

Ah, girls, here you go.

No, thanks, missus.
We need something a bit stronger.

There you are. What are youse having?

Two double vodkas and slimline,
please, Da.

Where's the kids?

Hmm? I thought you had them.

Oh, Jesus. Can you
not watch them for five minutes?

[Whispers] I thought she had them.

Keep 'em coming, son.

Marriage is a wonderful thing,
eh, Dessie? A wonderful thing.

- This way.
- All right.

[Groans]

- [Maura] Here?
- Yeah.

OK.

Are you OK, guys? Smile.

See? Told you. All fine. Fifty bucks.

You're putting on
a very good show, Molly.

Thanks.

- What does he mean, show?
- Look. The photographer.

- [Groaning, moaning]
- Let me handle this guy. He's a nutter.

Hey, you.
You're ruining our photos.

[Freddie] I'm sorry.

Are you all right?
You don't look so well.

It's just... It's my back.

Two minutes with my father-in-law
and it goes.

- Let's have a look.
- No, no! I don't...

- I don't need your help. I can manage.
- OK.

No. Not... Not the suit!

[Rips]

- Oh! It's rented.
- You're a bit highly strung.

Does anyone ever tell you that?
Let me just... I saw this on TV once.

Give me that.

Hey, you! Leave her alone!

Hey, you! Leave her alone!

- I can explain.
- Leave her alone. Just stay away.

Look what you've done. Go away!

Hey!

I will... I will k*ll you.

You just... just leave her.

It's all right.
I'll be all right in a minute.

[Exhales heavily]

Who is she?

Who?

Oh! I... I don't know.
Some crazy person.

Really? Your hands were all over her.

My hands were...

Look...

I thought we talked about this.
Hey? Didn't we? Hmm?

Counsellor said you were to try to
stop seeing things that weren't there.

Didn't he?

- He did.
- He did.

You said you were gonna try
and work on that, didn't you?

I did. I am.

- So you don't know her?
- No, I don't know her.

And I don't want to, either.

Fine.

[Slurps]

- You eating that?
- No, go on.

Thanks very much.

- You better behave yourself tonight.
- Or what?

Or else. I'm watching you.

Yeah.

Is she his sister?

I don't know.

Mmm! This is fantastic.

I'm not eating that.

- Can I go play?
- Go on.

Don't go far.

I consider it a great privilege

to have been given
a second bite of this cherry.

Jesus. Here we go.

Sophie, you've made me a very happy man

and I hope I can make you as happy,
'cause no one deserves it more.

[Guests] Aw!

[Snoring]

They look very heavy.
You must be very strong.

What time do you get off?

- Jesus!
- My nose!

You fool. Why don't you look
where you're going? Lazy Irish.

Pompous...

Where's me money?

If there are no problems, you will get
your money at the end of the evening.

- OK?
- Nothing's gonna happen now.

This isn't America, you know.
We're not like that here.

That's what you think.

Immigration watch everything,
all the time.

They could be here, with us, right now.

Thank you.

[Applause]

[Dessie] And, finally, a big thank you
to Father Tom for such a lovely service.

It was lovely, wasn't it?

So, ladies and gentlemen,

if you'd like to join me
and toast the bride and groom.

Shall we, everyone?

- Sophie and Freddie.
- [All] Sophie and Freddie.

[Inaudible]

- [Clears throat]
- [Gasps]

- You lost?
- I'm starving.

- Didn't your mother feed you?
- No, I have to look after myself.

- Why am I not shocked?
- Yeah, and she beats me up, too.

What? She...

Here, come on.
Let me get you something to eat. Um...

- Do you like chicken?
- I love all of this.

Do you have a light?

Oh, it's you.

- She doesn't really b*at you, does she?
- Only when she's really drunk.

Me mother's kind of different.

You wouldn't believe
some of the things she does.

Nothing she does would surprise me.

You know, I am gonna go
and give her a piece of my mind.

No! Lt'll only make her mad,
and then she'll b*at me even more.

How's yours? Your wedding?

This is our second time around,
second time marrying each other.

You're kidding?
You went through all of this twice?

Yep.

There were some problems the first time.

I don't want to talk about it.

There was a nervous breakdown.
Six months in therapy.

Doctors, medication.

More medication.

Sorry.

- Things are OK now?
- Oh, yeah. I'm lucky.

The way I see it, I have someone
who wants to marry me two times,

and that's something, isn't it?

Do you have somebody like that?

No.

Well, anyway... I'd better...

- See you.
- Nice talking to you.

Good luck, not that you need it...

...or anything.

See you, Freddie.

- There you are. Where'd you get to?
- Oh. I've got a thumping headache.

Would you...
I've some tablets in my room.

- Stay there. Take it easy.
- OK.

I'll be right back.

You.

- Large whisky, lots of ice.
- No problem.

[Freddie exhales heavily]

I'm sorry about earlier, with the...

- Oh.
- There's nothing broken, I hope?

I'll survive.

Good, good.

- How's your stress?
- What stress?

- I'm not stressed.
- OK.

- How's your back holding up?
- It's fine.

Ooh! I'm not gonna hurt you.
You're so uptight.

- I'm not uptight.
- No, you're not.

- Just please stop doing that.
- Oh, you do need help.

I do not... I do not need help. You're
the one... Please stop doing that.

- Is it bothering you?
- It's bothering me.

Loosen up. You'll end up sick
if you keep it all bottled up.

- Sorry. What?
- It's my contact lens.

- Oh, it's gone behind my eye.
- Hold still.

- Get off.
- Let me see.

Stop it. Are you crazy?

- Are you all right?
- You've blinded me, actually.

- You're some tulip.
- Yeah.

But at least I don't b*at my kids
or starve them.

What?

Oh! I see it, I see it. Don't move.

[Maura] Come on.

[Both grunting]

My nose!

Taxi!

[Siren wails]

- Sorry.
- OK.

OK?

Come on. I'll help you up.

- There we are. You all right?
- Yeah.

Well, I suppose I should say thank you.

There's no need.

Listen, I think
it would be best and safest

if you would stay away from me
for the rest of the evening.

That's fine with me, and likewise.

Hey! Go on, Wilson!

[Band plays down-tempo b*at]

[Singing in foreign language]

- Two cokes, mister.
- Get out of here, kid. We're busy.

You don't look busy.

Get out of here before I...

Dad and Mum look good together,
don't they?

Yeah.

Your mum did explain all this to you,
didn't she?

Yeah. She said it wouldn't be
the usual type of marriage,

and that Wilson
wouldn't be living with us,

which is good 'cause he seems to bring
his sister everywhere, doesn't he?

- And you understand all that?
- Yeah, course I do.

- [Grunts]
- [Cheering]

I'm really sorry.

Did you have to hold her so tight, huh?

I wasn't!

[Upbeat music plays]

Here, what would happen
if I poured this on that synthesiser?

- Don't. I'm warning you.
- Go on.

- Don't.
- Hey.

Could you keep them knackers
away from us, love?

- Hey, watch it. They're my knackers.
- Of course they are.

Bitch. Come on, youse. Bed.

- I can't find her.
- Really?

- No.
- That's strange.

Well, she must be around somewhere.

Geraldine, have you seen
Sophie anywhere?

- No.
- Well, would you help me find her?

No.

Oh, Je...

I'm, um... sorry.

That is absolutely no problem.

[# Singing I Love You
Doo Be Doo Be Doo]

- Pythagoras.
- Yeah, yeah.

You can see the moon, can't you?
And it's round, isn't it?

Dessie, say good night to your kids.

Ah, ah, there you are, lads. OK, yeah.
Now, sweet dreams, huh? Huh?

Sorry to disturb you.

Don't be worrying, now.
Everything's under control.

- You carry on.
- Hey... OK.

[Horns honking]

- Thanks a million.
- No problem.

Why get out of bed
if there isn't any jobs.

All right, love.
Jeez, you're really filling that dress.

- [Yells]
- What the...?

Tommy, help! Come over now.

[Up-tempo music plays]

There's your man again.

- He's not bad-looking.
- Believe me, he's not for you.

Hold on.

Can I help you?

- Have you seen my wife?
- Mislaid her, have you?

- That's very careless.
- Just answer the question.

We had a long chat, actually.
She told me you two got married twice.

What are you,
some kind of wedding addict?

Stop.

- Where'd you see her?
- Outside in the garden.

- Did you do something to her?
- Why would you say that?

Sorry.

- You didn't, did you?
- No.

Thanks.

[Moaning]

Do you know how long I dieted
to get into this dress?

- Five months.
- You OK, love?

Oh, I'm fine.

I just left my husband,
and do you know what? I feel great.

- Men are pigs.
- Yeah.

Men are pigs.

Do not get married.

- Any of you married?
- No.

- Good.
- What you gonna do now?

She's gonna come out with us,
that's what she's gonna do.

- I am?
- Yeah.

What are you doing?

Molly.

Why are you kissing her?
I thought she was your sister.

My sister?

This is Emily, my girlfriend.

Your girlfriend?
But you're married to my mother.

- You shouldn't be doing that with her.
- Didn't your mother tell you?

Tell me what?

We hired your mother for the day,
and for a lot of money.

What do you mean? Hired for what?

- Your mother didn't explain it to you?
- No, she didn't.

Molly.

Molly!

We will talk about this later.

He paid you.
Are you some kind of a hooker?

- Don't you talk to me like that.
- It's the truth.

He was being deported
and we needed the money.

I told you it wasn't a proper wedding,
that we wouldn't be living together.

- So it's all a joke, the whole thing.
- No, Molly. This is very serious.

Don't you go messing this up.
I'm doing this for us.

How is this for me? You couldn't even
get me a dad for one day, could you?

- I hate you!
- Molly.

Molly!

[Indistinct voice on police radio]

- Is everything OK?
- Yep, nothing to worry about.

Those men over there.
I don't think they're waiters.

We have to all act normal.

OK.

It's a load of bollocks, isn't it?

I kind of like it.

Hey...

[upbeat Irish music plays]

[Indistinct shouting]

- Is there any sign?
- No.

- What's up?
- My daughter has gone missing.

Good Lord.

Look, let's, uh... Let's keep this
between ourselves for the moment.

What's going on?

Sophie's gone AWOL.

Aw, that's a shame.

- You're looking for the bride?
- [All] Yes.

- She's left in an ambulance.
- My God. Is she hurt?

No, no, no, no.
The ambulance was not for her.

- When did she go?
- I would say... 40 minutes ago.

Forty minutes ago!
Why didn't you say something?

No one asked me.

If this has anything to do with you...

I'll try calling her.
I'm sure there's a simple explanation.

Sorry.

[Phone rings]

- Hello?
- Sophie. Where the hell are you?

You. I saw you with her.

- Who?
- That slapper in the wedding dress.

- I saw you snogging her in the lift.
- What? I didn't.

- Amn't I good enough for you?
- Of course you are, Sophie.

- You mean everything to me.
- You've a funny way of showing it.

You're a dog, Freddie Butler, a...

- Scumbag.
- A scumbag.

- A dirty louser.
- A dirty louser.

Good one.

Look, Sophie, uh... I love you, OK?

You know that. So just...
Just come back. Could you do that?

- Let me talk to her.
- Get off. Get off!

- Don't tell me to get off.
- No, I didn't mean you.

I didn't mean you.

Look, Sophie, where are you?

- Everybody's worried about you.
- I'm out, with friends.

And I don't care
if I ever see you again!

- Sophie.
- Never ever!

Sophie...

Sophie?

- Sophie...
- [bleeping]

- [Dial tone sounds]
- Sophie?

- She hung up.
- Well, call her back!

- Want me to find her?
- I don't know where she's gone.

I'm not adopted. Me ma says she gave
birth to me and that it hurt like hell.

So that makes you a big fat liar.

- What are you doing with the balloon?
- None of your business.

- Get lost, will you?
- Fine.

Well done, love. You told him!

Look at me.

It's my wedding day.

Have another drink, love.

Hey, young fella.
Four tequilas over here, please.

- Sure, love.
- Aw.

She's, uh... She's not answering.

- Where is she?
- She didn't say. Sounded like a pub.

- Is she all right?
- She didn't sound like herself.

Excuse me, everybody. I'd like to say
thank you very much for coming, and...

- [fire alarm ringing]
- [Screaming]

You remember our little talk, Freddie?

I don't know what's going on,
but I will fix it.

You better.

- I'm... I'm so, so sorry.
- It's not your fault.

Youse had better come down to our room.

No, we don't want to be of any trouble.

It's no trouble.
There's plenty of space.

And it could do
with a bit of livening up in there.

Thank you. That's very kind of you.

Oh, no. C'est pas possible.

What happened here?
I... I don't understand.

Someone must have start a fire.

[Gasps]

Come here! Come here!

[# Woman singing Happy Ever After]

Help yourself to drinks. The bride's
father is paying. He won't mind.

Thank you.

- What's going on here?
- They needed shelter from the storm.

What storm?

- Hey. I need to talk to you.
- Can't now. Busy.

- Come back here!
- Stop!

I'm gonna k*ll you! No!

- I need you to do something for me.
- It'll have to wait.

Molly.

You go that way and I'll go this way.

- And watch out. She bites.
- I don't have time for this.

If you want me to do something for you,
then you do this for me.

- Molly!
- I've had enough of this.

- You've ruined my wedding.
- Me?

- Yeah.
- You're crazy.

And, anyway, it didn't need anyone
to mess it up for you.

What do you mean?
Why'd you say something like that?

Easy. I didn't mean it.
I'm sure you'll be very happy.

I suppose you have
the perfect relationship, is that it?

That's right.

Love at first sight, but you wouldn't
know anything about that

because you have to do everything twice
before you get it right.

- Molly!
- OK, that's enough.

That's enough. I need you...
I need you to talk to my wife.

Your wife? Why?

- I need you to tell her that we're...
- What?

You and me, we're not... we're not...
We're not having an affair.

You're both crazy.
When did they let you out?

- She has a little jealousy problem.
- Little?

There's an elephant in the room.

- You have to do this.
- No, I don't. Goodbye.

I'm not surprised your daughter ran off,
the way you treat her.

What's she been saying to you?

- Look, your family is your business.
- Yeah.

Look, my marriage
means everything to me.

Really? Great.

- Molly?
- [Groans]

- [Branch snaps]
- [Bird twitters]

[Gasps] Molly! Molly, get down here now!

[Molly] No.

- You do as you're told, young lady.
- I won't.

- I'll get her.
- Be careful.

Molly, you're in deep, deep trouble
when I get my hands on you.

- Come on, Molly.
- No.

- I'm not talking to her ever again.
- [Exhales heavily]

Whatever the problem is, it's not
gonna be solved by running away.

- Do it for me, eh?
- It'll cost you.

How much?

- Fifty quid.
- What?

OK.

OK. Done. Now, come on.

Come on.

- Whoa!
- [Shouts]

- [Gasps, breathing heavily]
- OK, OK.

- [Freddie] Put your foot there.
- Have you got her?

What the hell were you doing up there?
Anything could have happened to you.

Why do you do this to me?
Am I such a bad mother?

You're a useless mother. I'd rather be
adopted than spend another day with you.

- How can you say that to me?
- 'Cause it's true!

What am I gonna do with her?

She's a great kid.
You should be very proud.

But I suppose a bit of structure
in her life would be a good thing.

OK. If you want me to talk to your wife,
let's do it now before I change my mind.

- Really?
- I guess I owe you that much.

That's great. Thank you.

[Down-tempo singing continues]

Can I move in with you?

No.

How are you, love?

I'm not so good, actually.

That's it. You!

Get off. Did you hear me?

I said get off!

You're crap.
Don't call us, we'll call you.

That stupid bitch Sophie picked her.

You lot, are youse any good?

Go on. Show us what you're made of.

[Foreign upbeat music plays]

Nice eyes. Green.

Just tell her what happened
and then give the phone back to me.

- OK?
- OK. Great.

What?

[Rings]

Hello?

- Sophie? You're there. It's Freddie.
- Yeah.

Look, I got the woman
you saw me with here.

I'm gonna put her on,
and she's gonna explain everything,

'cause it's all just been
a big mix-up, OK?

- Uh-huh.
- OK.

- [Mouths]
- Yeah.

[Clears throat]

- Hello, Sophie?
- You bleedin' slapper.

- What?
- You heard me, you bitch.

- You've some bloody cheek.
- Watch it, you fat cow.

Don't you call me fat!
Nobody calls me fat!

- The last person needed a nose job.
- Give that to me.

Bring it on, lady. I'm waiting.
Come on! Come on!

- Give me that.
- She's... She's dead.

Shh! Darling, it's me.

And you! You should have
your balls cut off.

- On her wedding day an' all.
- Sophie?

- Yeah.
- You're not Sophie.

Who's this?
What have you done with Sophie?

That was your husband, again,
and his lady friend.

[Phone rings]

[Distorted ringing]

Nightclub anyone?

Whoo!

[Engaged tone]

- What are you doing now?
- Calling the police.

- Why?
- [man] Garda.

- I'd like to report a missing person.
- Right.

It's my wife, she's wearing
a wedding dress and she's in a pub.

- Missing in a pub?
- That's right, yeah.

She should be here with me, on
her wedding day, at the Napoleon Hotel.

- What was the lady's name?
- Sophie. Sophie Maguire.

And what was she wearing
the last time you saw her?

- I just told you. A wedding dress.
- Colour?

- White. It was f*cking white.
- I think it was cream.

- What?
- It's cream.

- It's cream, cream.
- Ivory.

- Ivory. It's an ivory wedding dress.
- Right, right.

Well, leave it with us, sir,
and we'll see what we can do.

- Thanks for your call.
- You're not gonna do anything, are you?

- We're not.
- Right.

What were they saying?
What did they say?

I can't believe this is
happening to me. I can't.

Is there anything I can do?

No. Please, no.

No, thanks. This is...
This is all your fault.

- Me?
- Yeah.

Hey, sunshine,
I was the one doing you a favour.

- A favour?
- Yeah.

If my baby doesn't turn up soon,
Freddie, you're dead, d'you hear? Dead.

- Hey...
- And you...

I don't know who you are,
but I'm watching you.

Freddie. Freddie.

Freddie, wake up. Wake up. Freddie.

[Both grunt]

I think it's time we had a word
with the happy husband.

Hello, Wilson.

- Do I know you?
- Oh, you will. You will.

I have every right to stay.

I have. I am married.

That's just the problem.
We don't believe this marriage.

Your wife isn't exactly
Snow White, is she?

We think it's all a show,
put on to stop you being deported.

But when we find out, and we will,

you're gonna be on the first plane
back to Bongo Bongo.

- Bongo Bongo?
- Oh, yes.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Don't you? Where did you
first meet Maura O'Reilly?

- In a pub.
- And when was that?

- About a year ago.
- Short romance, then, was it?

- Like a bolt of lightening?
- That's right. Love at first sight.

- She's the perfect woman for me.
- Aw!

What is the problem, huh?
We got married in a church.

Now, that was clever of you, I'll give
you that, but not clever enough.

- What's her favourite colour?
- Black.

- Animal?
- She likes all kinds of animals.

- Song?
- She'll dance to anything.

- Film?
- Musicals.

- What height is she?
- About this high.

Where did you first propose to Maura?

Stephen's Green, near a pond.

- There were swans.
- So romantic.

Will you stop interrupting
when I'm trying to do an interrogation?

- Sorry.
- Thank you.

Great band, aren't they?
Really... jamming.

Yes, very good.
Father... may I ask you a question?

Sure.

Would it be a sin
if a man paid a woman to marry him?

Paid? Why would somebody want do that?

- Do you know somebody who's done this?
- Maybe.

Oh, not Wilson.
Please tell me not Wilson.

- Is it a sin?
- Is it a sin?

Marriage is a holy sacrament
made in front of God,

performed by a servant of God.

- Me.
- So is it a sin?

Of course it's a sin.

This is very, very bad. I'm in on this.

- Where is he?
- No, you mustn't tell anybody, Father.

- Come on. Freddie.
- Maura.

I need to talk to you
about something very seriously.

- OK.
- Who is that man?

- Here, grab his other arm.
- Has he had too much to drink?

He needs to lie down.
Too much champagne.

Come on, young fella. Whoa!

- Thanks.
- Where to?

- Over there.
- Believe me, everything is in order.

Quick, in here. In here.

We'll need to ask your so-called wife
a few questions.

[Whispers] Maura, what is going on?

[Whispers] Shh! The police are after me.

You can ask her whatever you want.
In fact, I'll go and find her myself.

- Whoa.
- [Molly] Dad.

Everybody's looking for you.
Come on back.

Go on.

And don't go disappearing.
We're not finished with you.

[Groaning]

[Whispers] This is a very bad thing
you've done, Maura.

[Groans]

It's a sin, you know. A biggie.

I'll just have to live with it, Father.
Thanks.

- Well, I can't abide by...
- [knocking]

- Hello?
- Go talk to them.

- What? Why me?
- I'm not a good liar.

And you think I am?

- Oh!
- Ah, Father. The very man.

- There it is.
- Immigration.

Very nice. Good evening.

Did you notice anything suspicious
about the wedding today, Father?

Suspicious? No, no, nothing.

[Man] So you've no doubts
about the bona fides of the union?

- [Groans]
- [Father] No, no, none.

[Man] So it all seemed above board
to you, then, did it?

[Father] Above board to me, yeah.

You would tell us, wouldn't you, Father?

- Man of the cloth.
- Yeah. Sorry about that, Father.

- Are you happy now?
- No, not until we talk to the bride.

What? Do you wanna go home?

- Yes.
- Well, you can't.

Now, come on. Let's find her.

It's not what you think.
The police are after me.

- Wait. Freddie, wait.
- [Moaning, groaning]

Hey.

Hey. I'm... I'm really sorry
about your wife.

But if... if there's anything
I can do, then...

Look, I know you probably mean well...

But... Jesus.

[Groaning] I know you
probably mean well,

but every time you try to help out,
things only end up getting worse.

So, please, can you just...

Clear off?

Yeah.

Would you?

- No offence.
- None taken.

[Indistinct moaning]

What are you doing?
I told you to behave.

Can you mind your own business, please?

My business? Don't be annoying me now.
Get back downstairs.

No, I won't. You've been on my back
since I'm 16 and I'm sick of it.

Have you seen yourself lately, Niamh?

You'd want to have a good look

because you're turning
into a bitter old battleaxe.

Now, why don't you go back to
your boring life and your boring husband

and leave me alone?
Come on, Arthur.

Sorry. Can I just get by you there?

[Sophie] I'm gonna be left on the shelf
like she said.

Who said?

Get out.

My mother.

She said... that I should take
the second chance with Freddie...

...'cause I might not get another offer.

[Yells]

- Mothers!
- Jesus. Take it easy, Bridie.

You have got to
think of yourself now, love.

Here.

- There you are, love.
- Thanks.

You... What do you think you're doing?
You've managed to ruin everything.

- What did I do?
- You need to speak to the detectives.

- Make them believe.
- Oh, no.

I said I'd marry you, but that's all.

Lying to the police
was not part of the deal.

But you have to. It's the only way.

Look, I could get into
lots of trouble doing this.

Who would look after Molly
if they charged me? I'm all she has.

They're gonna throw me
out of the country. Don't you care?

Of course I care. I just...
I just can't. I'm sorry.

You don't care. You don't.

Of all the girls in this country,
why the hell did I have to meet you?

I was a good choice.

I need to get my money now.

I did my part.

What's wrong?

[Maura] Psst!
We're leaving.

Yes.

Molly.

Right, Wilson, I've had enough of this.

Unless you can produce your wife
in the next five minutes,

you are going
on a very long trip, one way.

- Hey, kid, where's your mother?
- How would I know?

Brilliant.

Hey!

Watch it, cow.

Look! It's Batman.

Ha-ha!

Hi-yah! Hi-yah!
Not a superhero any more, are we?

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Don't touch me.

- Please let me help you.
- f*ck off!

- [Siren wails]
- It was a mistake.

I made a mistake.

How are you, love?

I can't do this anymore.

I'm leaving you.

I want all your stuff gone by tomorrow.

She didn't mean that.

Did she?

[Indistinct chatter]

It was nice meeting you, Molly.

- Where are you going?
- I'm leaving.

There's no point in staying.
I mean... she's not coming back.

I've messed it up again.

Mine's a mess too.

No. No, you've got a lovely family.

Your mother's not too bad, really.

And your dad seems like a nice guy.

- It's all a show.
- What is?

Their marriage. He paid her to do it
so he could stay here.

Well, that's... That's terrible.

I know. She says she did it
so we could keep our house.

She sure is one woman, your mother.

- Full of surprises.
- Too many.

Maybe she just wants
what's best for you.

You might give her a break, eh?

Take care of yourself, Molly, OK?

OK.

- A wedding dress?
- [man] A wedding dress, yeah.

Her name wouldn't be...
Sophie, would it?

[Man] What's your name, love?

There you are.

- Molly hates me, doesn't she?
- No.

I mean, why would she?

You just dragged her through a fake
wedding to a man you hardly know

who isn't gonna be a father to her,
that's all. Why would she hate you?

- Thanks.
- Don't mention it.

- Come on.
- [Muttering indistinctly]

What on earth...? Sophie!
Oh, thank God!

- Where did you find her?
- We arrested her for assaulting a nun.

I want to see Freddie!

Um, look, we'll...
We'll take care of her now. Um...

Thank you very much. Thank you.

- Where is he?
- Come on, Sophie.

- I wanna see...
- Come on.

Sophie, come here.
Come on, get up those stairs.

- I wanna see Freddie.
- Come on, Sophie.

Freddie, wait! She's back!
Your wife, she came back!

She came back?

I knew it. I knew she would.

Thank you. Thank you, Molly.
You're a star. Thank you!

Thank you! Ha!

Now, your father will bring
the car round and we'll get you home.

I'm not going anywhere. I just got here.

Listen to your mother, princess.
It's for the best.

For the best? For the best?

This is all your fault!
"You'll be left on the shelf, Sophie.

Take your chance
while it's still there."

I'm not listening to you
anymore, Mother.

Sophie, will you calm down, dear?

- Get out of my way.
- Sophie!

Sophie!

- She came back.
- Who?

Oh, yes, that's great.

I think Niamh is leaving me.

- That's very funny.
- It's not a joke.

Sophie.

No one wants you. Why don't you do
everyone a favour and just disappear?

[Man] Hey, let's have both couples
on the dance floor.

- [Down-tempo music plays]
- Great idea.

- Sophie.
- No!

Thank God you're back.

OK. I'll do it.

- Quick, tell me everything.
- Relax. You'll be fine.

I gave you my whole life story,
remember?

- You didn't read it?
- It was 100 pages.

I'm going to k*ll you.

It's all just been
one big misunderstanding.

It doesn't matter anymore.

Oh, great. Great. I promise,
everything's gonna be all right.

- Where are you going?
- Swap?

I'm Wilson.

And I'm... Whoo!... just the woman
telling you you should watch your wife.

Excuse me?

Just keep a close eye on her,
if you know what I mean.

I really, really need to talk to her.

- Can I cut in?
- [Moaning]

What is she talking about?
What else have you been up to?

Maura O'Reilly, I'm gonna
have to ask you a few questions.

- Sure, just a minute.
- I don't wanna dance anymore.

Now. I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to insist.

Keep dancing.

- Hey!
- Hello, everyone.

I didn't get to make my speech
earlier on, so here goes.

Shh! Shh!

A lot's happened to me today.
I've made some new friends.

I've thought a lot about things.

About my life and what I want from it.

Freddie, you are going to make someone

a wonderful husband, really.

- But it's not me.
- [Murmuring]

We're not right for each other
and, to be honest,

I don't fancy going
through this again with anyone.

I mean, to hell with marriage!

Why do we do it anyway?
Can anyone tell me?

- [Stomping]
- [Grunting]

What I'm trying to say is, from now on,

I'm going to do what I want to do,

for myself,
not what others tell me to do.

So, Freddie...

...I want another divorce.
- [Drum roll, clash of cymbals]

Oh, Jesus.

Right, I've had enough of this. Declan.

Where are you going?

They can't deport me
if they can't find me.

Please...

Tell Emily...
Tell her I'll send her a message.

You, where's the groom?

- No, wait, please.
- Think you can manage that?

That's for Sophie, you scumbag. Yes!

Oh! Oh!

- Are you... Are you all right?
- Are they... friends of yours?

I don't know who they are, honestly.
Are you all right?

You can forget about your money.

- But I'll lose my house.
- I don't care.

- I don't care.
- But...

You just lost me nine thousand.

- Did I?
- You did.

I'm sorry.

Um, there's a few hundred there. Um...

And... just take all my credit cards,

'cause... I'm not gonna be
needing them now, so...

And could you give...

Could you give that to Sophie?

Goodbye.

Not so fast, sunshine.

Wilson Okinwe, I'm arresting you under
section 492 of the lmmigration Act.

Now, you have the right
to remain silent,

but anything you do say
will be taken down in evidence.

What are you doing to my husband?

Well, if it isn't
the darling bride herself.

I'd like to ask you
a few questions, love.

Wilson, who are these gentlemen?

- Stay.
- What's this about?

This way, please.

Wilson, don't be going away... please.


Detective Norman Ginty interrogating.

Hi, Norman.

Less of that, now, missus.

So... you like the black fellas, eh?

[Gasps] I really don't think
that's an appropriate question.

- Where's Wilson from?
- That's easy.

- Africa.
- Whereabouts precisely?

- [Door opens]
- Um...

- [speaks African language]
- Hey.

And where do you think you're going?

I need me ma. I'm only nine, you know.

Go on. You can stay
as long as you don't say a word, OK?

Good girl. You were saying?

Uh... Um...

Sounds like...

low... low...

Loko. Loko. Loko.

Correct. Listen, kid, there's no moving
either, OK? No moving, no talking.

- Have you got that?
- OK.

Good girl. How many brothers and sisters
does he have?

Oh... Um...

- You're sweating, Mrs Okinwe.
- It's all the dancing.

Um...

Two sis... brothers.

- One sister.
- [Sighs]

- Correct.
- I know.

Listen, kid, I'm not joking.

If you so much as twitch, I'm sending
you to jail. Have you got that?

Last chance.

What's his mother's name?

Um...

- I can't say it.
- Oh, can't you?

- I mean, I can't pronounce it.
- Oh, that's rubbish.

I just call her Ma.

- Where did he propose?
- Stephen's Green.

- [Groans]
- That's right, he did.

Gorgeous day.

You're sweating, detective.

Anything else? 'Cause if there isn't,
I'd like to get back to my wedding.

Thanks. Come on.

Wait a minute.
Where do you think you're going?

There you are, love. Oh!

See you in a minute.
I'll just get the bedroom ready.

Oh, come on.
It's all a scam. Admit it.

Oh, God.

Do you think we could borrow
those handcuffs? We'll give them back.

Oh.

Thanks.

- [Mouths]
- Mr Okinwe...

Well, everything seems to be in order.

- And you are?
- [Both] His sister.

Of course you are.

Well, carry on.

Declan.

Congratulations. Lovely wedding.

[Up-tempo music playing]

So, Sophie...

Has all this made you look at women
in, you know, a different way?

How do you mean?

- You know.
- Quick, Sophie, read this.

"Goodbye, world. I'm sorry, Sophie."

- What does that mean?
- I think I know. Come on.

- Freddie!
- Stop, Freddie! Don't move.

I hope you haven't come up here
to talk me out of it, 'cause you won't.

Don't come any closer. I will do it.

I really thought I could do this.
Nothing ever goes right for me.

Freddie, did you take
your medication today?

You?

You're the one that was
in the loony bin, not her.

Me? Course it wasn't me.

He nearly drove me to it. Everything
has to be bloody perfect with him!

But it never is.
I'm such a useless excuse for a man!

Nothing is ever perfect,
no matter how much you want it to be.

So...

- You don't love her.
- [Laughs] Course he loves me.

No. She's right.

I did, I did.

But I don't love you anymore.

I just wanted something
to go right for once in my life.

[Sophie] What?

You moron!

- You put me through all of this!
- I'm so sorry.

- Can... Can you forgive me?
- No f*cking way!

For heaven's sake,
tell him you forgive him.

No. Till death us do part, he swore!

He'll be dead in a minute if you don't
do something. Is that what you want?

- Good enough for him.
- You don't love him either.

- So?
- Go on, woman. Go on.

Go on!

[Sophie] Freddie...

I forgive you.

You do?

I do.

Come down.

It might have worked.

No chance.

We should have known the first time.

It's just the way things are.

- No. No, you keep it.
- It's yours, Freddie.

I don't want it.

I'll see you.

You know, if I can't make this marriage
work, what kind of a man am I?

Do you ever stop moaning?

Didn't you notice?
My marriage just broke up.

Well, it seems to me
it was the best thing for everyone.

Anyway, marriage is not the
be-all and end-all of life.

Like you would know.

- Oh. Molly told you.
- Yeah, she did.

Well, maybe I'm not the best person
to be giving advice,

but you'll get over it,
find someone else even.

- Who'd want me? I'm a nutter.
- Go and look.

What else have you got to lose, hey?

And maybe just try living
with the next one for a while.

If it works out, you can risk marriage
in ten or 20 years.

- I'd better find my daughter.
- Yeah.

I'll do anything you want.

I'll clean the house.

I'll cook.

I'll mind the kids.

I'll lose weight. I'll go to a gym.

Look, I'll do anything.
Just give me another chance.

Not interested.

No more drink. I'll give it up.

Look, you mean everything to me,
you and the kids.

Don't mind what that woman said.

Our marriage means something,
and it's worth saving.

You know...

I don't have to remember the last time
I loved you... 'cause I love you now.

I always did.

And I always will.

Just take me back, please.
[Whispering] Please.

OK, OK.

Just... [exhaling heavily]
Get up off the floor, you eejit.

- One orange juice, please.
- Make that two.

Ah, there you are.

- You weren't that bad, you know.
- Shag off.

Ah, don't be like that. It's a party.

- No, really.
- Come on.

Hey, lads, lads, lads, lads, lads.

She's gonna do a song with you.
Go on, go on. Get up with the lads.

Come on, everybody.
They're gonna do a number. Come on.

[Up-tempo music starts]

Go on, go on, go on,
go on, go on, go on!

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Your mum's looking for you.
- Hello, Freddie.

I've paid for two weddings for you,
Freddie, boy. Two.

Do you know how much that is?

And my daughter is still single...
and living in my house.

Come here.

- Come on!
- sh*t.

In here.

- I don't like him.
- Can't we talk about this?

- [Gasps]
- [Grunts]

Thought you could
get away from me, did you?

- Jesus...
- Hope you have you an idea.

Follow me. Follow me.

Right.

Shh.

Oh, don't lock me out.

I'm getting angry now, Freddie.

Where are you?

Come back!

Molly.

- Oh... Oh...
- You.

- You.
- [Screams]

Freddie!

Bye-bye, Freddie.

Freddie.

Oh, gosh.

Oh! Are you...

Are you OK?

- I'm fine.
- He should be locked up.

[# Singing Everybody Let's Party]

[Indistinct shouting]

I'm sorry I didn't tell you everything.

All that matters to me
is that you're happy and safe,

and I couldn't even do that.

- I've been a useless mother.
- No, you haven't.

I have. I haven't given you
anything you've needed.

You'd have been better off without me.

I'm gonna try harder, I mean it.

From today it'll be a new me.

I don't want you to change.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I like you just the way you are.

- Warts and all?
- Yeah, warts and all.

Mmm. [exhales]

Come on, let's go home.

Wait, wait. [laughing]

This is for you.

Thanks.

I wouldn't take it,
only we really need this.

You earned it.
Thank you for everything.

[Groans]

- Oh, no.
- Easy, fella.

He doesn't like me.

Best of luck to you two. I mean it.

- Bye, Molly.
- See you, Dad.

Come on.

[Molly] I'm looking forward
to going to bed.

We're going home.

OK.

It was nice to meet you.

You too.

Well... goodbye.

Bye.

Do you wanna get some breakfast?

My treat.

- What do you think?
- I could eat.

Great.

You know, I've two tickets to Italy
and hotel reservations.

The plane leaves at two.
Do you want them?

No, they're yours. You should go.

I suppose I could try and get
another ticket. We... We could all go.

What do you think?
He's a bit of a loony.

So are you.

[# Mick Flannery: Safety Rope]

Let's talk about it over breakfast.