Blue Like Jazz (2012)

[bunniefuu]

Do you know the difference
between being free

and being high?

Neither do I.

Back in Texas, I knew everything.

Because I'm from Texas.

But that was before
any of this happened.

It was a writing class
in junior college.

We were studying
the elements of story...

The acronym spells "sucker,"

sort of.

If you grew up in the setting of Houston

believing the Astrodome
was visible from space,

you, like me, are a sucker.

If your parents have a conflict

and your pothead father says,

"I'll never leave you, little man,"

you, like me, are a sucker.

And if it takes you 19 years of Sundays
to figure this out,

you, like me,
are a Southern Baptist.

A subtitle made possible by R3V0LV3R.

Hey, your mom asked me
to church on Sunday.

Something about going-away ceremony?

You want to come to that?

I do if I'm sitting next to your mom.

Aw, here we go.

She ain't cheatin' on me, is she?

Uh, these jokes never get old, Jordan.

No. I bet it's that Mexican gardener.

I seen him weed-whacking
outside your apartment,

taking his shirt off all slow,

like in the movies.

Like if there's a sprinkler on him.

Okay. I get the picture.

Hey, he's cute, man.

If I was your mom,
all hot and sex-starved,

I'd let him pop my tart.

Hey, party tonight at my house.

Wine, cheese, hot babes,

not that you'd be interested.

Ah, I got a thing at church.

Of course. Just 'cause you live there

doesn't mean you shouldn't
get out once in a while.

It's the junior high lock-in, man.
It goes all night.

Come on, bro. How we gonna celebrate
your last day on the job?

Ha ha! Follow me. Come on.

Jordan!

Jordan, come on, man!

We're in our street clothes!
You're gonna get us busted.

My best friend Don,
at the end of the line.

Salute.

Ha ha! Texas tea, brother.

Dude, not cool. Bro.

Oh, you want to dance?

- Seriously.
- Look at you.

- Don't mess around.
- Who said Baptists can't dance?

Jordan, I'm gonna
make you drink that.

I drink it all the time, bro.

Confess your sins to each other,

and pray for each other

so that you may be healed.

So does anybody need to be healed?

All right, now why don't we focus
on where it says,

"confess your sins."

Does anybody have anything
they need to confess? Anybody?

My family went to the beach,
and my dad took me out,

and a huge wave knocked me
out of his arms,

and he couldn't find me and stuff.

He actually saw something pick me up
out of the water and take me to him.

No way.

I've had experiences with angels.
It's awesome.

Ohh! Ohh!

Who wants more sugar?

Okay. All right.
Keep going. Keep going.

It's still going? Must be some party.
Who all's there?

Everybody.

Tons of girls.

Sorry, Jordo.
I'd come cheer you up,

but right after this,
I got breakfast with The Hobo.

Call you later.

I gotta go at 6:00.

- You bring my communion cups?
- Factory fresh.

- They for tonight?
- Shh, shh.

When you find out,
it's gonna blow your mind.

So... got your car packed

- for the big, bad university?
- Yep.

Don't let 'em brainwash you, Donny.

Well, it is a Baptist college.

Yeah, but it's gotten way more liberal now.

I mean, when I used to go there,

the girls still had to wear heels,

keep their knuckles
from dragging the ground.

Don't tell my wife I said that.

All right, who wants Kool-Aid?!

Bebop?

You've been listening.

Yeah, when I'm not in the mood
for music, I put on jazz.

Life is like jazz, son.

Never resolves.

You get the going-away
present I sent you?

I read a few chapters.

- You guys still friends?
- Oh, yeah.

He just bought 30 acres
up in, uh, Oregon.

He's a good writer
for being full of crap.

Went to a good school.

Ever heard of Reed College?

Know what the average
IQ score is at Reed?



You want a beer?

I won't tell Jesus.

No, thanks.

So he's still connected at the school,

and when he told me
he could pull a few strings,

I, um...

You what?

I got you in, Donny,

at Reed.

You enrolled me?

For this term?

That's not how it works.

Well, took some finagling.

Even had to send 'em a deposit.

I already got a scholarship,

Trinity Baptist.

So you can get
a preaching degree

and make your mom happy?

A brain like that
working for a church?

You only believe that stuff 'cause you're
afraid to hang out with people who don't.

I'm going for the writing program.

Well, then go somewhere

they don't hand you the script
and tell you to copy it.

You hear that?

That's free-form.

Improvise.
Write your own damn story,

or that kook mom of yours
will write it for you.

Don't call her that.

Yeah, or I'll be "left behind", right?

Come on. Let me do this
for you, Donny.

Why now?

It's cheaper than having you
kidnapped and deprogrammed.

All those years you were
dodging child support...

our church paid for the groceries.

- Who's that one?
- Intern.

Thought you were on sabbatical.

That's why I only have one.

You want me to introduce you?

You got a girlfriend yet?

Hey, Lindsey,

my Baptist son here
needs some tutoring.

Dad.

Here comes Sunday morning.

You know what works
great with sunrise?

A Love Supreme, John Coltrane.

Pushes the sun right
out of the earth, huh?

They have no regard for Jesus.

These people have no regard
for common sense.

They hate Christianity.

Some of this they learn in the homes...

Good morning, Mama.
Rise and shine.

- What time is it?
- It's almost 8:00.

I'll take the first shower.
You can sleep a little more, okay?

Breakfast!

Coming! Not too many bananas.

You have one message.

Señora, buenos noches.
Are you home?

Ah, bella muchacha,
are you awake, mi amor?

Sleep the sleep de los ángeles.
I'll see you mañana.

" Yo te quiero infinito. "

" Yo te quiero infinito. "

" Yo te quiero, yo te quiero infinito. "

Message deleted.

You like it?

Is that new?

It's your big day.

Any calls?

Some Mexican guy
had the wrong number.

Hmm.

So how's your father?

Huh? You really want to know?

Not at all.

That's third night in a row
with the TV on.

Is that a record?

Keeps me company
when you're not around.

Everybody's been asking me,

what am I gonna do with myself
when you're gone.

Mom, it's not gonna be like that.

I'm barely leaving the zip code.

I'm sorry, Donny.
It's just hormones.

Is my mascara running?

You look beautiful, Mom.

And nothing's gonna change.

I'm always just a phone call away.

Ephesians 6:11 tells us
to put on the full armor of God,

but wearing God's armor
isn't always easy, is it, Don?

No, sir.

Your friends may not think you're cool.

So when we dress you
in the full armor of God,

it's not just a fun,
little going-away gift.

It tells the world what, Don?

Romans 1:16, sir.

"I'm not ashamed of the
Gospel of Christ."

Amen. Let's give him a hand, church.

Give it up.

Thank God. Appreciate it.

All right.

Now hold on. Hold on, folks.

Hold on.
Donny, Donny, not so fast, bro.

I'm gonna need my sidekick
for story time, kids.

Come on down as my lovely wife
tickles the organ.

Just gather round
right here in front of us.

That's it.

Ha ha. All right.

Now, today we have a very special amigo

who's come to listen to our story,
but he's a bit shy.

Let's see if I can...

Hey, hey, uh, Tito.

Here he comes.

Yes, today is Tito's birthday, but,

oh, oh, but he's very sad.
You know why?

'Cause today he learned
what happened on the cross.

So for his birthday,
we're going to show Tito

how the cross can
make him happy, yes?!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Yeah. All right,
let's bring down the cross.



That's my girl.
All right, here it comes.

Look at this. Now we need
someone really, really strong

to break down this piñata.

- Who wants to do it?
- Me! Me!

Who's really strong?
Are you strong enough?

I don't know. I think...

Smartacus here.

Smartacus here,
he's got what it takes.

Smartacus is going to use
his Sword of the Spirit,

and he is going to give it his best sh*t.

All right, buddy. There you go.

That's it. Big swing, and...

Oh, yeah.

All right, Smartacus. Yeah.

All right, boys and girls,

What? What, were you
expecting something else?

Yeah? See, just like the piñata
had to be broken to make candy,

Jesus had to die on the cross
to make forgiveness for our sins.

So, Tito, would you like to be forgiven?

"Sí.."

"Sí, sí, sí, señor Kenny.

I want Jesus to be my amigo
for my birthday."

" Yo te quiero infinito. "

" Yo te quiero infinito. "

" Yo te quiero. "

" Yo te quiero infinito. "

Right?

Well, come on, boys and girls.

This is better than candy.

Grab the blood and body of Jesus,
and give it to all of Tito's friends.

"Muchas gracias. Muchas gracias.
Go on. Go on. Do it."

Like any good Southern Baptist,

I've been trained
to assess awkward situations

with the question,
"What would Jesus do?"

Make sure and bring some to the choir.

"Los cantantes.."

But what would Jesus do

if his mom was sleeping
with the youth pastor?

Maybe he'd feel like a sucker,

or maybe he'd just be pissed.

What the heck?!

- Don, Don, stop it.
- Son of a bitch.

I don't know what's
gotten into your head,

but it's not what you're thinking.

I'm not thinking.

That's why I'm leaving.

"A brain like that
working for a church?

"You only believe that stuff
'cause you're afraid

to hang out with people who don't."

Maybe for once in his life,
the old man was right.

There's one way to find out.

Message in your mailbox.

Donny, I called your father,

and he told me about
this Reed College.

I'd like to talk about this
before we make a decision.

Please call me back this time.

Messages deleted.

Man.

Yeah, I saw it,

but it's not like there was a nip slip
in there or anything.

I mean, personally, I was like,
"Pfft, whatever."

That was the nineties.
That was edgy back then.

Come on. You got to
contextualize it historically.

So she's breast-feeding a pig?
Big deal.

That stuff was probably way common
during the Dust Bowl.

It's a critique on the chauvinism
of the human species.

How long you gonna be in there?

What, are you taking a dump
or something?

Till I'm done.

Why don't you practice
that party trick of yours?

You know, if q*eer theory
teaches us anything,

it's that sexual identity
is a social construct.

I mean, it doesn't matter
if she is or isn't.

Her image in general

and that image in particular
is transgressive.

It's... It's deviant, it's out,

and that's why our community
loves her.

She's co-opting a fan base.

You're acting like Tori Amos
is some kind of d*ke messiah.

Chill, Lauryn, okay?
I'm just saying.

After all these years,
she's still kind of hot.

What is she, like a B cup?

Love is fleeting!
Herpes is forever!

Put a jimmy on your stiffy!
Come on, now!

You know you need one
for the chub.

One size does not fit all!

Love is fleeting, but herpes is forever!
Come and get 'em!

Greetings, virgin.
How many do you need?

- Huh?
- Rainbow ticklers

are the special of the day.
Here. No charge.

Rub-a-dub-dub,
put a rub on your chub.

Right here!

Chub away, rubber man.

Got your hands full?

Oh, why don't I just slide this
into your pocket?

...right here. Absolutely free.

One way or the other!

Hey!

Jimmy on your stiffy, ladies.
Take it.

Want to try 'em out?

Uh, I'm not 100%
on what I've got here.

I meant the water.

Uh, sure. Sure. What do I do?

Take a sip.
Swirl it around in your mouth a bit.

Okay, now try this one.

What about this?

Swallow.

Well?

I can't taste the difference.

This one is Portland municipal tap water.

This one is Aqualike bottled water.

The Portland water is local
and comes with your tuition.

The Aqualike water
costs $1.50 for a 12-ounce bottle,

and they say it comes
from the Himalayas,

but it actually comes from Kashmir,

which is one of the poorest
regions in India,

so that would be good
for their economy, right?

Wrong.

Aqualike Corporation practices
are actually depleting the water table

so that the local Kashmirian farmers
don't have enough to irrigate their crops.

Well, so then I shouldn't be
ingesting this?

No.

Here comes trouble.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

They do this all the time?

Hey.

Heh. Hey.

Hey.

Okay.

Wait up.

Uh, anybody sitting there?

Hey.

I'm Don.

We, uh, sort of met
in the men's roo...

restroom.

So where are you from?

You know how to tell
if a girl's a lesbian?

'Cause she's attracted
to other women?

Is that how it works in Mayberry?

Cutoffs at two o'clock.

Last year, she was homecoming queen
back in Nebraska,

two tiny biscuits floating
under a cheerleader skirt.

What do you think her ass says now?

Uh...

It says, "I don't care what you think."

Which is why it's beautiful.

I'm Kent Bowers,

and I am your
Dean of Student Affairs.

Close your laptops.

Pocket your cellphones.
Listen carefully.

According to the words
and logic of Neil Postman,

"There is no escaping
from ourselves.

"The human dilemma is
as it has always been,

"and we solve nothing

by cloaking ourselves
in technological glory."

At Reed College,

there is no reward
for staring at a screen,

no extra credit for looking busy.

Forget everything
you think you know,

because you do not know anything.

There's nowhere to run.

There's nowhere to hide.

There is no escaping ourselves.

The human dilemma
must be experienced.

So, uh, that lecture
was pretty brilliant.

How was it brilliant?

Um, the whole part about how life
needs to be experienced.

And technology influences
the way we think,

and we live
in a dumbed-down culture,

and, oh, the sky is blue.
Yeah, it's genius.

Sounds like a high school term paper.

What do you like?

Choose wisely.

A bagel, I guess.

- This?
- Yeah.

Someone ate this?

Dude, check out Quinn.
I think it's growing.

Heh. Bet you'd like
to pop her tart.

Can you find me?

That's you?

You look so...

Before I found freedom.

Eat, girl. Eat.

You want to tell me
where you're from now?

Escaped from Kansas.

Dad sells windows.
Mom bakes pies.

She's fat.
He looks at other women.

Where are you from?

Texas.

Can I ask you a question?

'Cause it's been k*lling me.

Sure.

Are you the secret bastard child
of a televangelist?

No.

- Oh, my God. You are.
- What?

Do all the boys in your choir
have to wear their hair that way?

What's wrong with my hair?

Well, it's not exactly free.

Are you trying to make me a lesbian?

I'm trying not to picture you

burning flags at a gay soldier's funeral.

Not all Christians are like that.

Smile.

You've got, like, spinach
stuck in your teeth.

It's really gross.

Look, your private religious wacko
beliefs are none of my business,

but if you plan on sticking around.

Long enough to unpack your secret
underwear or whatever,

you probably want to keep that quiet
around here.

You're kidding, right?

I had a Mormon roommate
my freshman year.

She lasted two days.

I mean, we haven't had
a Christian club

since the Nixon administration.

Dude, this is Reed College.
Hello.

I was looking at
this student handbook.

You've got so many
crazy religious groups.

"S&M Wiccans. Jews for Jihad."

What's wrong with being a Christian?

Do you have any idea what your hateful,
bullying tribe has been up to?

'Cause around here, you represent
a whole new category of despicable.

So if you plan on ever making friends
or sharing a bowl

or seeing a human vag*na
without a credit card,

get in the closet, Baptist boy,
and stay there.

Setting, conflict, climax, resolution.

If the setting in SCCR changes,
does the conflict go away?

'Cause, I mean, it's only been a week,
and I feel like I'm someone else.

Hey, Jordan.

You sounding chipper.

I'm not disturbing you and your gay lover
roommate, am I?

No, there's no roommates here.

They're just single rooms.

You got to pimp out your pad, dude,
catch some ladies.

You getting any action?

Uh, there's this one girl,
but I didn't get her number.

Or her name.

Spent some time
with a hot lesbian.

Yeah, you're full of sh*t.

Hold on, bro.

Sorry, dude. It's my mom.

- Are you talking to her?
- Yeah. Yeah, we're talking.

- Sort of.
- Huh.

- All right, call you later.
- Yeah.

Hi, Mom.

Hey. You get the cookies?

Yeah, they came in the mail Friday.

Sorry they were store-bought.

Ah, store-bought or not,
they're still cookies.

Sure is lonely here without you.

Sorry that you're lonely.

- You could always unenroll.
- No. I can't unenroll.

- Why not?
- Because I like it here,

and another 30-minute bitch session
is not gonna change that.

- Uh, did you just call me...
- No, I'm not calling you that.

I'm using it as an adjective.

So is that what they're teaching
you at that school?

Yes, Mom, that's what they're
teaching me at this school.

You going to church anywhere?

No, I haven't found a church yet.

I'm looking for one with a really
dynamic puppet ministry.

Stop with that. There's nothing
going on with Kenny.

He's just helping me through a rough spell.

I don't care if nothing's going on, Mom.
It's weird.

He's a married man,
and he's not a licensed counselor.

He's a pastor, Donny.

- Donny.
- Huh?

- Are you listening?
- Um,

no, there's just a guy
dressed in a pope outfit

pushing a burning shopping cart.

Is that a Catholic school, Donny?

Don't let them brainwash you.

Can somebody tell me the difference
between archetype and stereotype?

A stereotype is an archetype
with no sense of fashion.

Come on. Give me some examples.

Yuri? You want to join us?

You want examples
from mythology?

I'll take any literary example.

Okay, um, archetype is
Emily Dickinson,

and stereotype is Lisa Simpson.

Nice, Penny.

What about you, Don?

Um, archetype is Tolstoy.

Stereotype is, uh, Tolstoy.

What do you know
about Russian literature?

Yuri, everyone's entitled.

Okay. Archetype is...

Texan.

Big car,

tracks sh*t everywhere,

closet r*cist, inbred...

Ooh.

Fundamentalist Christian.

Okay, now you're insulting me.

Notice he doesn't deny it.

Oh, chill out, dude.

There's plenty of Texans
who ain't Christian.

Bonnie and Clyde,

ZZ Top,

David Koresh.

I hadn't technically
denied anything.

It just felt good to have people
laughing with me for once.

You wake up here every day
feeling lost in a sea of individuality.

Everyone here
seems so sure of themselves.

Double... Hey, Penny.

They have their own look.

They occupy their own space.

...whereas in a patriarchal society,

our concept of God tends to mimic
the way we see our own fathers.

Thoughts?

Why would a loving God refer to himself
as "Father" anyways,

when so many fathers
abandon their children?

Seems like a marketing mistake.

They reward you for asking questions
I'd never even thought of in Texas.

I didn't care what it took.

I just wanted to fit in,

so I did what anyone else
in my position would do.

I got drunk.

- I had a lesbian take me shopping.
- Go.

No.

No.

You're so soft.

And I searched for the perfect
campus organization

that would make me feel
like a bona fide Reedie.

I, uh, got a notice
that Flag Football's been canceled.

Lack of interest.

In football?

What's wrong? You lonely?

Need a hobby?

The human dilemma
must be experienced.

Preferably for credit.

Fire Juggling, full.

Human Chess Club, full.

Lamaze for Non-mothers, full.

Malaysian Cocktail Tennis
has openings.

Ball.

My tennis partner is in rehab.

Reflex Yoga, full.

Sand Yoga, Hot Yoga, Partners Yoga, full.

Vietnam w*r Reenactment needs a GI.

Have you tried Civil Disobedience?

For credit?

Yeah.

Okay, we go in two by two,

one-minute intervals,
occupy all the aisles,

especially the ones
near the cash register.

And remember,
if anything goes wrong,

Remulac-7 is going
to sound the alarm.

And we will reconvene
at the cemetery across the road.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Okay. Let's do this.

Hey, can I interest you in our
frequent buyers program?

I'm just a robot. The franchise
tells me what to read.

Please direct me to your restroom.

Just back there.

Corporations control you
through printed lies.

Leave this store. Run now.

"...little smidgens of fading heaven.

Little cosmic mysteries plucked
from the starry, starry night."

Attention, Books, Ink shoppers,

Uh, you may have noticed some
alien life-forms roaming the aisles.

Take me to your reader.

I assume they, uh, mean us no harm.

"You are precious
little cosmic mysteries."

Just, uh...
Just kids having their fun.

But if any of them
become a nuisance,

be sure and let me know
at the front counter.

Just, uh, come up, and, uh...

Ignore him, corporate drones.

We are taking over your so-called
knowledge repository.

All right, just...
just give me the book.

Hey, hey! This is a rental.

Security. Mall security.

Can we have security up here
at the front counter, please?

Or across the front aisle.
Now he's in the main aisle.

He's in the main aisle.
He crossed the main aisle.

He's the, uh, only astronaut
in the pet care section.

He's running like there's no gravity.

Can anybody hear me?

Hey, this is a robot invasion,
not an astronaut invasion.

Yeah. When I went to the store,
they were out...

I can't hear you.

Don.

I didn't expect to see you here.

In gardening?

No, at a robot invasion...

in an astronaut costume.

Do I look stupid?

You just look like you don't belong.

Which actually makes you
look kind of cute.

Do you even know why we're here?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Uh, you're against something, right?

We're also for a lot of things.

Then what are you
doing in gardening?

Anarchist's Cookbook
is on aisle five.

Are you gonna play nice,
or am I gonna have to shut that visor

and leave you on a planet to die?

Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
Ma'am, we're against gardening.

It's consumeristic.

- We're against gardening...
- No, gardening is fine,

but there's a lovely independent
bookstore on Hawthorne.

Don't let major corporations
tell you what to read.

Or how to grow tomatoes.

What?

Oh, welcome to work, gentlemen.

Did you enjoy your nap?

Yeah, get rid of 'em.
Get 'em out of here.

Look the door behind 'em.

Yeah... Son of a...
Hey, come back!

There. You want some?
I think you need some.

I mean, what is the point
of all this stuff?

Does anyone alive
even remember this guy?

Oh, thanks.

Why do you wear the same
clothes every day?

I don't.

It's a protest thing.

Shut up.

She's not buying clothes
for a year.

What did clothes ever do to you?

You wouldn't understand, Don.

I want to do something
against something.

Yeah, have fun with that.

I will.

Oh, hey, Quinn, wait up.

Oh, dude, hey,
give me the bottle.

Ah, there's none left.

Come on. It's half full.

Half empty. That's the way I...

- What's that?!
- What the fu...

Not funny. Whoo. Sorry.

Ahh! Get away from me.

Why do you want
to do something, Don?

Uh, I don't know.
'Cause chicks dig it, right?

- You know any dead people?
- Not personally.

- Parents alive and well?
- Alive, not well.

- Divorced?
- Aren't they all?

Tell me about it.

Come on.

Mom got sick.

She hears things,

sees people that aren't there.

You really want to hear all this?

It started when I was seven.

She thought the CIA was after her
for having an affair with JFK.

That one might be true.

Do the math.

You want to know my favorite
memory of my mom?

Don't laugh, okay?

We would spend, like...

half an hour
going through our hair,

checking for microphones.

She got diagnosed that year,

but I still wanted to believe I had
microphones in my hair,

because if I did,

it would mean
I could keep my mom.

I'm sorry, Penny.

No, I mean it.
I'm really sorry.

She says she didn't know
what was in the bottle,

but I swear I tasted Red Bull.

Or whatever I drank has me
feeling pretty good.

Thanks for walking me home.

Oh, yeah, sure. Anytime.

Maybe I'll just power through
till morning.

It's okay.
I got this from here.

Okay. Nice dorms.

Sorry.

It's time for bed, Don.

Hey, uh, there's a...

There's a... Testing, one, two.

Okay, good night, Don.

I was just checking
for microphones.

Hey, I can help you
with your box.

I'll be fine. Thank you.

Relax. I'll recycle it.

I said I've got it, Don.

Hey, uh, Penny.

Hey, uh...

Hey, I'm sorry.

I-I'm not... I'm not like that.

It's...

Okay. Um...

I'll see you in class tomorrow.

Different w*r, same story.

We do the bidding of the gods.

It's always God's fault with you.

I was actually talking
about Republicans,

but I suppose you could
argue they're God's fault.

What are the rest of you thinking?

Is Achilles' army just dying for nothing?

It's not for nothing.
They fight for glory,

for family, for their culture.

Come on. It's a culture w*r.

Achilles' pride starts it.
The gods bless it,

and mythology stokes up another
round of misery for everyone.

Why do you always dismiss
all religious impulse?

I grew up agnostic, but...

I admire any religion that has
the balls to search for God.

Yeah, because the Crusades,
those were very ballsy.

You know nothing.

My grandfather Topov

was k*lled for smuggling an icon
out of Russia,

for trying to preserve a way of life.

Don, you're strangely quiet.
What do you think?

I think that if it weren't for religion,

Grandpa Topov might have preserved
his own life.

Hey, by the way,

it wasn't religion that
k*lled Yuri's grandfather.

It was Stalin.

Don't take it personal, Miller.

Nerd babes.

Many have tried. All have failed.

There's just something
about her that I get.

My dorm mate last year
thought the same exact thing.

Rhodes scholar, Tall Biker,

looked like Jeff Buckley,

and if he couldn't bag that,
well, good luck.

Tall Biker?

My friend, the Reed College
Tall Bike Club

is the apex of our prestige pyramid.

It's like being captain
of the tennis team.

Mommy, look.

Hey, um, how much are these?

- 15.
- Mom!

Hey!

Hey, stop that bear!

Hey!

Hey!

What are you doing? Hey!

Come on, man!

Ohh!

What did I do?

This is literally the best water
you have ever had in your life.

This bottle is not recycled,
but that is a good thing,

because recycled bottles
equal dirty plastic.

This is amazing.
It is bottled straight at the source.

It's pretty much all I drink.

- Everybody have one.
- Thank you.

They're free. Merry Christmas.

The place in the Himalayas
where they got it

has actually been hidden
for the last 300 years.

Hey.

Can we talk?

Looks easier from the ground.

Yeah, we don't give spiders
enough credit.

Sorry.

Are you okay?

Bear stole my bike
at the flea market.

Aw, that's awful.
I didn't know they rode bikes.

They do at the flea market.

Bought you an early
Christmas present.

It's okay.
It's just a little something.

You celebrate Christmas?

I'm sentimental that way.

Your hands were cold
that night at the graveyard.

And I know you're not
buying clothes this year.

This was really thoughtful.
Thanks, Don.

Merry Christmas.

There we go. Swallow.

It's so good.

- I know, right?
- Yeah.

What are you doing
this weekend?

Studying. You?

I have to...

Don, feet on the wall,
and lean back.

I thought you said you were certified.

I am, on the climbing wall
at Fun-world.

I got the card in my wallet.

I... I think that my spray adhesive
is coming off.

Tori to Amos. Tori to Amos.

- I was kidding. I'm okay.
- Come in, Tori.

Do you hear sirens?

Affirmative.
What's going on down there?

May want to pick up the pace.

Donald Miller.

I may agree with the sentiment
of your protest.

I may even agree in principle
with your activism,

but the school cannot condone
the destruction of private property,

no matter how just the cause.

Hey, guys, take a look.

Quinn, check this out.

I suppose you all could use some lunch.

I got a call from Aqualike’s
publicist this morning.

They decided that some sales
just aren't worth it.

Speech! Speech!

Speech! Speech! Speech!

Speech! Speech! Speech!
Speech! Speech!

Come on. Go.

Well, last night was
my first time in the big house.

And I'm not gonna make
the standard joke

about who made me
their, you know, girlfriend.

Where I come from, we do crazy things
for the hell of it,

but last night was the first time

I felt like what I was doing
meant something.

So thanks for bailing us out.

But I'd especially like
to thank our ringleader, Penny.

Thanks.

Hey.

There you are.

I was looking for you.

Hey.

You missed the part
where I thanked you.

You mean I missed your speech?

Hey, Penny,

what's with you?

We got arrested.

Okay, so maybe I like the attention.

Maybe you just like feeling better
than everybody else.

Nice umbrella!

What was that all about?

People in Portland don't use umbrellas.

That's dumb.

Penny.

Hey.

Are you mad?

Do you really think I do all of this
to feel superior?

No.

I mean, it's just...

you're so good that...

I guess you can't help making other people
feel like sh*t sometimes.

That's all.

If you're trying to seduce me,
it's not working.

I'll work on it over Christmas break.

So when do you head home?

I think I'm just gonna hang out here

since home feels
about a million miles away.

- You?
- I'm taking a little trip.

Where you going?

India.

The country?

Yeah, my dad asked me
what I wanted for Christmas,

and I've always wanted
to go there, so...

Gonna sabotage
Aqualike’s pipeline?

Actually, I'm gonna be
working in a refugee camp.

I'm sorry if that
makes you feel like sh*t.

Have a good Christmas, Don.

I'll think about what you said.

Pen.

You want to keep the umbrella?

No.

Message in your mailbox.

Donny, I know it's a long drive,

but we've never been apart
for the holidays.

And I can't bear the thought
of Christmas without you.

Please call me
and tell me you got this.

Message deleted.



Maybe this'll get me in the mood.

Jordan?

Merry Christmas, dude.

You look good.

I got some beer.

Do you?

I read on the Internet

there's something in turkey
interferes with the patch.

- You started smoking?
- No, I stopped chewing.

Remember my little stunt
the last day on the line?

- Yeah.
- Well, couple months later,

they're having this big outdoor
youth rally in Australia...

or Austria, something...
for the Pope,

Baptists, Catholics, Episcopalians.

They're passing out, like, 100,000
of them porta-cups for Mass.

Hey, guess what's in one of 'em.

No way.

Some nun got sick drinking
the Skoal-tainted blood of Christ.

No!

'Course it gets traced
back to the shop.

Boss is pissed.

He was ready to swab everyone's cheek,
get their DNA.

That's when I fessed up.

They fired you?

Hell, yeah, they fired me.

Best thing that ever happened to me.

Next Sunday, I go to Mass
for the first time since I was a kid.

I figure I owe the Pope one,
you know.

Well, don't laugh,

but when I go up for Communion,

it's like Jesus is whispering to me
from inside the cup.

Really?

I swear to God, I can hear him

telling me the same thing
my mama used to say.

"Don't sh*t where you eat."

Anyway, I find out that the nun,
the one who got sick,

live up in Canada
running a home for retards.

Except you ain't
supposed to call 'em that.

Don't laugh!
But I felt like God

wanted me to even things up,
you know.

So I call her up,

and after talking to her
on the phone for 10 minutes,

she said I need to be there.

So I'm off to Canada
to help the retards.

Come on. You're into this stuff, right?

Merry Christmas, dude.

What?

What do you say we don't go
to midnight Mass somewhere,

give old baby Jesus a holler?

I'm not really dressed.

Come on, man.
Ain't like your church.

Not even the priest wears a tie.

Nah, I'm not really interested.

'Cause it ain't Baptist?

You all right, big guy?

So when do you start
up in Canada?

Not until February.
I saved up a little money.

I was thinking maybe I'd
kick it around here a while,

assuming you got a spare floor.

Uh, bro, my, um...

You know, I'd totally let you crash,

but my roommate's coming back early.

Ah, that's cool.

I was thinking that maybe
I'd head up there early.

They got these cabins
where the volunteers go

for these three-day silent retreats.

Heh. I can't shut the hell up
for five minutes.

I figure I might need
a few practice runs.

You still got
my cell number, right?

'Cause I tried
calling you a few times.

School has been,
like, really crazy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well...

I guess I'm gonna go wish
Jesus a happy birthday.

Peace.

See ya.

It was good seeing you, man.

Yeah. Hey, thanks for coming, Jordan.

Hey, merry Christmas.

Here it is again!
Bullshit bookmobile!

Welcome back, Reedies.

It's that time of year
again to donate

those Christmas presents
you are never gonna read!

Come on. You know your
parents only gave 'em to you

because they are easy to wrap!

Give 'em the demise
they so richly deserve!

Put 'em out of their misery!

Give me your tired,
your poorly written,

your huddled mass media
yearning to be trees!

Miller, you look lost.

- Me?
- Yeah.

Ah, it's just a beer buzz.

How was Christmas break?

I don't do Christmas.

What you got going later?

Sleeping off a holiday hangover.

I have a little project
that might require your...

special talents.
What do you think?

What?

Trust me. It's big,

very big.

Texas big!

What the hell?

Lauryn?

She's straight.

What?

Quinn is straight.

She doesn't even experiment.

I know I told myself
I'd give it six months,

just to see if she
showed any sign.

And then I...
I caught her reading

an Anais Nin book
in the campus bookstore.

I just assumed.

Wouldn't you assume?

Told you her ass
wasn't big enough.

Stop, Don. I'm serious.

I mean, I love her.

Can I stay here tonight?

Will you put out?

No.

Then leave immediately.

Come on. Think back
to when you were bi-curious.

Think back to when you were nice.

I just don't understand
what girls see in you guys.

So you can move heavy objects?

Big deal.

Are there that many heavy
objects that need moving?

I heard the penis plays
a role in procreation.

Genitals are overrated.

So is Anais Nin.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Lauryn.

Oh, man, it just sucks.

Yeah.

- Are you ready?
- What?

- Oh, come on.
- Not you, too.

Junior college transfers.

What are you doing?

I'm purging the campus
of false dogma,

but I didn't think for a second
that you were gonna need my help.

Do you know the Stone Age tribes
of New Guinea do not have cellphones

because they never grew wheat?
Did you know that?

I didn't get that far.

Now you know.

Hey, those cost money.

I'm The Pope, man.

I speak for God.

God wants you to burn books?

God doesn't exist,
and here is the proof.

Would a loving God possibly
allow this to exist?

I think not.

That was a graduation gift.

Who made you Pope, anyway?

Last year's Pope at Renn Fayre.

You don't know about any of this?

Big weekend bash after exams
at the end of the school year.

Sex, dr*gs, naked elves.

The firstjob of the new Pope

is to take confessions
during Renn Fayre, so...

go to a little booth,

and all the students line up
to confess their sins.

They confess to you?

All night long.

At first, I thought,

"This is gonna be awesome.

"I mean, I'm gonna hear about

every kinky sex act
from here to Seattle,"

and I got a lot of that,
but then...

this one sad bastard,
he starts telling me

how when he was a kid,

this priest at his church
used to take him into his office,

you know, and...

right there under the crucifix,

Father Feel-you-up would just...

go at him.

It was heavy.

So I start thinking, right?

I should be doing something
to help these people.

I mean, I got the robe.
I got the hat. I'm The Pope.

I should be using my powers for good.

So then I get the idea.

I start getting people to tell me
right there in the confession booth,

"How has God screwed you up?"

And maybe it's the PCP talking, but...

I find out how afraid people are
of a God who doesn't even exist.

Oh, don't touch those albums.
Hey. Come on.

You know, tomorrow
millions of people

are gonna start filing into churches

and praying that their loving God

is not gonna burn them
in Hell forever.

And you think burning books
is gonna help?

It's not like I'm torching
anything useful.

Every steeple
hides a sleeper cell.

They smile,
They shake your hand,

and then you're drinking
the Kool-Aid.

They want to rule us,
Donny boy.

They're like Taliban in training,

and we've gotta stop 'em, you know,
combine all our resources.

Street theater. Civil unrest.
You know what I mean?

I don't want to scare you,

but there's a lesbian in your bed.

Oh, man, I need a beer.

Get your shoes on, Miller.

I've got something planned

that's gonna make
your little billboard escapade.

Look like frat boys
TPing the dean's house.

You want civil unrest at 4 A.M.?

You're okay with heights, right?

What is it, Daddy?

It's a, uh, balloon,

a happy balloon.

"Don't let

"these people...

re-prod-uce."

Very good, Sophie.

Hey.

When'd you get back from India?

- Was it you?
- Huh?

The condom and the steeple.

Are you wearing a wire?

Answer the question.

So you saw it.

I go to church there, Don.

You what?

You heard me.

Well, it's not like we did
any permanent damage.

I had a six-year-old ask me why the cross
was wearing a baggie.

It's supposed to symbolize...

A condom on the steeple?

It was just a...

"Don't let these people reproduce"?

It was just a joke.

What do you know
about those people?

Whatever, you know?

People can do what they want,

believe what they want.

It was just a joke.

I'm sorry, all right?

I had no idea you even went to church.

You really believe
all that stuff, huh?

Don't patronize me.

I don't mean to.

It just seems a little primitive
to still be a...

A Christian?

Well, yeah.

I wasn't born that way, Don.

I read the Bible in Lit class last year,

and it turns out I like Jesus.

A lot.

Does anybody know?

Are you gonna turn me in?

You know what? I'm leaving.

H-Hey, Penny.

How was India?

It was life-changing.

Did you take pictures?

Yeah. I'm doing a slide show
on Sunday night.

I'll come.

Do you forgive me
for the steeple thing?

It's not about me, Don.

You don't even
really know what you did,

because you don't know
the people that you hurt.

Well, maybe I can meet these people.

I'm not asking you to do that.

No. It's my idea.

I want to.

Okay.10:30, next Sunday.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Don. Is this a good time?

Not good.

On my way to church,

believe it or not.

Don, I have some hard news...

Hold on.

Am I on speakerphone, Don?

- You there?
- Am I... Am I on speakerphone?

It's fine, Mom. Nobody's around.

Don, can you take me
off the speakerphone, please?

Fine. Okay,
I'll take it off speakerphone.

What's wrong?

Don, I have some hard news.

Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

I'm pregnant.

I'm pregnant,
and the baby is Kenny's.

Oh, God.

It was a mistake.

- What?
- I made a mistake.

- Hypocrite!
- We made a mistake.

Bitch!

I'm gonna let you talk to Kenny.

Hey, bro.

Put her back on.

Listen, I know exactly how you feel.

No, Kenny, you don't know how
I'm feeling.

You know why?
Because you're an assh*le!

You're a puppeteering
assh*le freak!

Well, see that school has improved
your language.

We can learn much
about the spiritual life

from a term used
in sound recording,

called the "noise floor."

The noise floor is the amount of noise

already present in an environment...

that, uh, has to be overcome
before anything else can be heard.

Now, this concept
is particularly important...

...when it comes
to the life of the spirit.

We need to find a refuge
from the often-deafening

noise floor of life...

to hear the still, small
voice of God.

Young man, may I help you?

Yeah. Got some things to return.

All right. Okay, you ready?
Overhand again.

Okay, bring it back overhand.

Hello.

Miller! Miller.

Hey, park this piece of crap.
It's about to start.

I can't find a space.

Ah, it's after 6:00.
I give you my blessing to park here.

Yeah, right. Nice.

Take the Bible. Please.

It's not that the book
is contradictory.

It's not a book at all.

It's a collection of writings

compiled over the course
of nine centuries

that, when taken together,

present such a hopelessly
muddled worldview

that it's easy to see
why so many of its followers

for so much of our history

have k*lled one another
over its meanings.

Many refugee families
have become subsistence farmers

who live in abandoned and often
condemned houses and shacks

and survive year to year by planting
whatever crops they can.

Mr. Larkin has set up
the scientific method

as his biblical canon,

yet with that method,

he still can't prove that a sunset
is more beautiful than...

I don't know, camel dung.

Or that music is more sensible
than noise.

By his own reasoning,

he is delusional to even tell
his wife and children he loves them.

There's nothing delusional about
the chemical reaction we call love.

It forces the species to bond together

and preserve the social structure,
nothing more.

The theist has a sound explanation

as to why humans need more than
to just survive.

We long for love and justice,

beauty, transcendence,

because they echo the voice calling us
to know their origin.

Okay, let's take another question.

Uh, Mr. Larkin,
I'm just curious...

Actually, the gentleman
right next to the hat, please.

Um, Mr. Larkin,

in your book, you admit to a sense
of awe and reverence

when you encounter
the beauty of nature

and the intricacies
of the universe.

Has that ever led you to consider
that there might be a God?

No.

Hell, no.

So then where do we find meaning?

Meaning?

The universe doesn't owe us
meaning, son.

If you want meaning,

I suggest you try a dictionary.

Yeah. Thanks.

And on the last day,

when I went to say goodbye
to the family,

they were already waiting for me.

Little Reena came up to me
with a giant smile on her face

and handed me an egg
that their chicken had laid.

I knew it was all they had.

So when you think of Kashmir...

that's the face
I'd like you to remember.

Um, are there any questions?

Lauryn.

The amount of misery and suffering
in that part of the world

seems so overwhelming.

I just... I don't know
how you deal with it.

Is that a question, Lauryn?

I mean, I don't mean
to get personal,

but I know you have
these religious beliefs,

and...

don't you ever wonder why God
doesn't just do something?

Look, I don't mean to go
all Mother Teresa on you,

but she believed that the spiritual
poverty of the West

was far more oppressive

than any physical poverty
she saw in India.

All I know is that
when I was there,

away from all the noise
and distraction,

I never felt so close to God.

I can't explain it.

I just want to go back.

Thank you.

Don?

Are you there?

Don.

Where were you tonight?

What are you doing
with my phone?

Um, I fixed it with my hair dryer.

You shouldn't hang up on your mom.

You didn't talk to her, did you?

We chatted... briefly.

She needs you, Don.

Stay away from me, Penny.

Don!

Don, wait!

Don, she made a mistake.

No, dialing the wrong number
is a mistake.

Having a baby with a married man,
that's being a slut.

You're talking about your mother.

Yeah, I think I know her
a little better than you do.

What else did she tell you?

Not that much.

Were you really assistant
to your youth pastor?

Get the hell away from me.

Why are you trying
to hide who you are?

'Cause I'm done with those freaks.

What, like me?

- You wouldn't understand.
- Why not?

Because your mom isn't having sex
with a youth pastor.

No, my mom is just roaming the streets
of God knows where

having sex with JFK.

- At least she's got an excuse.
- And what's my excuse?

I stopped visiting her
when I was in high school

because I was too ashamed.

Now I have no idea
where she is.

I didn't know.

Yeah, there's a lot you don't
know about everybody.

People are human.
People are flawed.

We all have our crap.

I abandoned my mom.

Talk to her.

I want to be alone.

I'm taking this.

Don't look at the flame.

If you start pushing people away,

eventually they just leave you alone...

with your thoughts,

with your demons,

with the sound of your own breathing.

But if you're going to have
an existential crisis,

Portland in winter is hard to b*at.

The city is a shadow.

The clouds are a blanket
pulled over your head.

School year seems like
it's never going to end.

And it's easy to avoid
the people you're trying to avoid.

By the end of finals,

you're so b*rned out
on the pursuit of knowledge

that any sign of life,

even if it's artificial,

seems worth pursuing.

Hey, hey, hey. What's up?

We're almost there. Lauryn!

I found her barking up a tree.
I think she's dehydrated.

Let's get her to a cot.

Hey, Miller! Little help?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Thank you for returning my e-mails.

Sorry. School has been crazy.

Yeah, you promised me last month
you'd help me with this.

I don't do well around blood.

Or that.

Miller.

Leaded or unleaded?

Time will tell.

So... your first Renn Fayre.

What do you think?

Snacks are good.

You have no idea.

You gonna miss being The Pope?

You know, it's weird.

Certain people see the hat coming,
and it's almost like...

It's almost like it gives them hope.

Go with dog, my son.

If God's dead, what's the point?

'Cause people need this sh*t,
and they always will.

The people with steel balls
are the ones who never cry out to God.

I mean, they've looked into the abyss,
and they know, man.

There is no one coming to the rescue.

How do you know that?

I know what I know, Miller.

That kid,
the one in the booth last year,

who got abused by the priest...

What about him?

Nothing.

To the great nothing.

What's this?

It goes with the brownies.

Let's do some damage.

Yeah!

The air is heavy with anticipation

as the silent crowd awaits the decision.

The Pope has made his selection.

Prepare for the crowning
of the new Pope!

Candidates, present yourselves!

Huzzah! Huzzah.

Ah, this is gonna get nasty.

The Pope considers the Russian.

And the Russian has been passed over!

Who shall it be?

The young foppish prince?

It is not to be, my friends!

Will the ginger lady ragdoll
be our new Pope?

She is not.
The rabbit stands alone.

Prepare for the crowning
of our new Pope!

No! The rabbit
has been rejected.

This is unprecedented!
Who now?!

Who now amongst us
shall be The Pope?

The Pope considers the Texan.

What madness is this?

It's just a hunch, Miller.

The Pope will now remove his miter.

Hold your applause.

His Eminence can be fickle.

The Pope has been chosen!

Citizens of the Reed,
we have a new Pope!

Yeah!

Let the christening
of the pagans commence!

Prepare yourself...

to kiss The Virgin.

Virgin! Virgin! Virgin!

Virgin! Virgin! Virgin! Virgin!

Faithful subjects of Reed,

greet your new Pope!

The Pope is down!

We have a down Pope!

Oh, God.

Climax.

Oh, God help me.

The final C in SCCR.

Hello!

Hello?

Somebody!

I'm trapped in... in this thing!

Hello! Help me!

Hello?

Hello. Hello. Get me out of here!

Uh, hold on.

Hey, n-no. I'm trapped in here!

Please get me out of here!

Please! Please get me out!

I... I think I'm gonna have to roll this.

Okay. Okay, I don't care.
I don't care. Go.

All right, you ready?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just do it.

Try again. Try...

You okay?

It's okay. Just take my hand.

My daddy has a dress like that.

Don't forget your miter.

Very good, Sophie.

When dawn breaks in Echo Park

near downtown Los Angeles,
the locals begin to...

Breaking news report.

The government is calling it the deadliest
earthquake in India's history,

and the devastation took
the greatest toll on Kashmir,

with local officials confirming
at least 16,000 dead,

a number they fear may double,

as area refugee camps face a shortage
of food, water and medical supplies.

Penny.

Penny?

She left.

Gone to India.

When?

Last night after the news about
the earthquake broke.

Dude, she was trying
to find you.

Um, I'm doing laundry,

so you want to...

Yeah.

I'll use the delicate cycle.

Thanks.

Don't look.

- Don't flatter yourself.
- Shut up.

No peeking.

Are those owls?

Penguins.

Told you not to look.

Sorry.

Sometimes you have to watch
somebody love something...

before you can love it yourself.

Penny loves Jesus.

My dad loves jazz.

He told me jazz is like life,

because it doesn't resolve.

And he gave me his record
collection to prove it.

But I've been listening
to those records over and over,

and every time I put on
Coltrane's A Love Supreme,

I could swear I hear something
my father says isn't there.

I hear a resolution.

Resolution,

the final element in story.

I know not everybody hears
the universe this way,

but what if Penny's right?

What if God is trying
to compose something?

What if all these stars
are notes on a page of music,

swirling in the blue like jazz?

Hey, Mom.

Don, is that you?

I'm glad you called, Mom.
How are you?

Some of you have come
a long way to get here,

and I'm talking about
a geography of the heart.

But what you're looking for
is bigger than any church,

so this is the time in the service

when we get out of the way

so that you can speak to God directly...

and hopefully hear God speak to you.

Thought you were in Kashmir.

I got as far as Los Angeles,

and the embassy
stopped issuing visas.

Did you ever call your mom?

She said to give you a hug.

Amen.

The peace of the Lord
be always with you.

And also with you.

Right this way, Your Eminence.

Well, you look reasonably sober.

Yeah, you know.

Try it on.

Sweet.

All right, sit down.

And according to tradition,

I am to be your first confession,

so let's see.

Oh, I stole a condom
out of The Virgin's wallet.

Last night while he was passed out.

I figured he wasn't really
gonna be using it, so...

This is the part
where I say you're forgiven?

Uh-huh. Are you sure
you're up for this?

It's hard shoes to fill.

You were a well-loved Pope.

Ah. Kiss-ass.

Well, I'm going to leave you
to your flock.

Some of us are heading out
to the Grand Canyon in the morning

for a little, uh, summer trip,

so, um, I won't be seeing you.

Have a good time.
Congrats on graduating.

Yeah, well,

nine years well spent.

Hey.

Um, I forgot to ask you something.

Can you come back in just a minute?

I need to say...

I'm sorry.

Sorry for what?

I'm sorry for what might have
happened to you

when you were younger.

The priest.

I don't know.

I'm just sorry.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Can... Can you just sit back down?

There's a lot you don't know about me.

I come out of this subculture

that believes in God

and Jesus, the whole deal.

I came here to escape it,

because I was ashamed of it.

Well, you've done a hell of a job.
I'm very proud of you.

But it turns out that
I'm not just ashamed

of my strange church

or its political views

or all the hypocrites.

I'm ashamed of Jesus.

Is this gonna get weird?

Yeah, probably.

But that's the point.

I-I'm ashamed of Jesus
because I want you to like me.

I want you to think I'm smart

or sophisticated or whatever.

It's like Jesus is the geek
in the cafeteria sitting by himself,

and I'm the guy pretending
he's not my friend.

Miller, we're both tired.

You're The Pope now.
Do with it what you want.

That's not what I'm saying.

I'm talking to you as a person.

You and I both hate

those people who think they can do
whatever they want

because God is on their side, right?

Well, I'm apologizing,

because I'm the same as they are.

All that stuff in the Bible

about feeding the poor,

I've never done any of that.

God tells us to love everybody.

I've hated people...

my family,

folks back home I don't agree with,

idiot pastors.

I... I hated 'em

because I thought they made me
look like a fool.

I've spent the school year
trying to ditch God.

But I can't.

It's like He's following me around.

I'm confessing to you

that I'm tired of being a hypocrite

and a coward.

I need you to forgive me.

Do you forgive me?

I wouldn't know what
to forgive you for.

Do you forgive me
for misrepresenting God?

He isn't like me.

He isn't... He isn't afraid,

and He isn't a coward,
and He isn't a hypocrite,

and He isn't like
that messed-up priest

who r*ped you
when you were a kid.

I should have told you that
a long time ago.

Will you forgive me?

Yeah.

I forgive you.

It's good, Miller,

what you're doing.

It's a start.

You know, if everybody
out there in that line

gets the same treatment I did,

you are in for a long night.

Yeah, well,
so much to apologize for.

Maybe I'll start with the Crusades...

Yeah.

Then work my way through
to U.S. foreign policy.

Yeah.

You're gonna be here a while.

You really believe in all this stuff?

I think...

I do.

Then...

Dominus vobiscum.

My man.

Hey, guys, you are not
gonna want to miss this.

Come on, come on.
I'm sure that we got

a free space in line for you.

Hey, what's up?

Everybody in line,
saints and sinners.

Hey, hey, there's a line, man.

I have something to confess.

- Your, uh...
- Wait.

I'm going first.