Fifteen years ago in Tromaville,
New Jersey, the Toxic Chemical
Capital of the world,
little mop boy, Melvin Fyrd,
a 98-pound weakling,
was teased, taunted,
and other bad stuff,
until he fell into a barrel
of toxic chemical waste
transforming him into a hideously
deformed creature
of superhuman size and strength.
Melvin became the Toxic Avenger,
the first superhero from New Jersey!
Then two rotten sequels
were made, sorry about that.
This is the real sequel.
Good morning to the celebration of
the -Take-a-Mexican-to-Lunch-Day.
The cafeteria will be serving tacos.
Okay, kids.
Today we're going to celebrate
our special friends
below the border.
We are going to celebrate
- Take-a-Mexican-to-Lunch.
- Can we say that?
- Take a Mexican to Lunch.
Very, very good.
Now that's where the hard working
Mexicans take naps during the day.
Just like us?
Just like us. Exactly like us.
Can anyone tell me...
- Tito!
- Baby...
What you're doing?
Listen, bitch,
just because I'm a tard
doesn't mean that you have to treat
me like one.
But because I'm "special", I don't
think I'm ever going to get laid,
so why can't I masturbate?
Tito!
Okay, kids. Now do you know
what you're eating?
Tacos.
That's right, tacos.
Can you say tacos?
Tacos.
All right you f*cking retards drop
your brain out!
Mammy!
f*ck this man, I'm outta here.
What on earth do you think
you're doing, young man?
I'm trying to teach a class here.
What kind of man are you?
This kind.
We interrupt our coverage
of the Smithville home
for the elderly m*ssacre to bring you
this very special report.
Thank you.
Well, folks. It looks like we've got
another school m*ssacre situation.
You take this one.
I did the last three.
The t*rror1st group in question,
the Diaper Mafia,
has taken the Tromaville School
for the very special hostage.
We're going to go live now to
the Tromaville School
for the Very Special...
where our correspondent Cindy Tata
is already questioning
Tromaville police chief Newman
about this very subject.
Stick with us after the break
where our very own Josh Levinsky
will share some
...of those mouth-watering recipes
for butternut squash. - I like that.
That's good.
Like a living Martha Stewart.
But isn't she still alive?
n*gga, please.
Chief Newman,
what caused the Diaper Mafia
...to commit horrible
acts of v*olence? - No comment.
I can't believe this is happening
in Tromaville.
You ask me. These Diaper Mafia punks
are doing a favour.
What is the use of sending these
retards to school in the first place?
All right, Tex,
time to k*ll another one.
Yes, Daddy.
Chief Newman, the Diaper Mafia
has said they will execute
a special student every half hour
until their demands have been met.
- Really? - Yet it's been
at least 35 minutes since...
Never mind.
That's a damn shame
it had to happen
on -Take-a-Mexican-to-Lunch
and all!
You hear that, pigs,
you hear that?
You hear that, hear that, hear that?
A tard dies every five minutes
until the Really Real Bikini TV Crew
...arrives. You got that?
- Got that? Got that?
I'm working on it. Please,
don't sh**t any more of those tards.
I mean those special kids.
f*ck the f*cking tards! I'm sick and
tired of their drooling and whining!
Now why is it when I sh*t my pants,
it's a f*cking social faux pas?
But when a tard shits his pants,
a good-looking nurse wipes his ass
for him?
She's got breasts on her ass.
Tex, Tex, Tex, check it out!
Pregger... pi-ata!
Hey, hey, you've got your head
up your ass!
f*ck you!
That's what separates us from the
pussies like the Trenchcoat Mafia,
the Flat Top Mafia
and the No-Pants Mafia.
Didn't you hear what Kazinski said?
f*cking tard!
g*n.
Noooo!
Mayor Goldberg, how do you feel about
the five very special people
...who are dead? - Try not to harp
about the five that are dead.
Think about the students that are
still living, still breathing
and let's pray for an end to all this
m*rder and mayhem and garbage.
Let's pray.
Get off the phone!
Later.
Let's pray, goddammit!
You too.
Oh Lord, in your divine wisdom,
please find it in your heart
to put an end to this m*rder
and filth and trash and garbage.
And please help us to get
re-elected one more time ok?
Thank you very much God and amen.
Amen.
Dye-a-nu.
Thank God you're here.
What took you so long?
- I had to change. It takes a while.
- Yeah, ok.
Kids, hold on all. I've got
the Really Real Bikini TV crew here.
The Diaper Mafia'demands
have not yet been issued and yet
speculation has already begun
as to the motivation
behind the senseless att*ck
on the mentally feeble student body.
What do you think, Nick?
I'm gonna have to go with heavy
metal music on this one, Jason.
Interesting!
But what about that
...best selling video game "k*ll All
the Retards"? - Could be a factor.
But we cannot forget about the rap
music. Very popular with the kids.
I personally am not a fan
of rap music.
I think you could put a c in front
of rap and call it you-know-what.
- I don't think you should go that
far. - Not a fan.
All right, I think you've
established that.
You know I think the worst part is
that we'll never know.
But that won't stop me from
casting my final vote.
v*olence in the movies.
- Certainly couldn't be v*olence
in the news. - Oh God no.
I mean we may broadcast death and
tragedy and
...I think you'll back me up on this.
- I will back you up.
We would never glorify it.
You like that, don't you ret*rd?
Hello, Tex, Samantha Chambers,
Really Real Bikini TV.
This is my morbidly obese sidekick.
I mean, cameraman, Joe.
Well, Samantha, looks like I won't
have to frisk you for weapons.
Shut up! Listen, lady, I didn't call
you in here to f*ck you.
I called you in here because
the Really Real Bikini TV show is
the number one show in America.
Now tell Daddy there
to turn on the camera.
- I'm gonna show you something.
- Okay.
You see this bitch right here?
Wasting perfectly good tax dollars
trying to "teach" the un-teachable.
And if there's one thing the Diaper
Mafia hates more than RETARDS,
it's genetic traitors.
Now, I'm gonna show you what we do
to b*tches like that.
Toxie!
Oh, my God! The Toxic Avenger,
Tromaville's favorite hero
of superhuman size and strength.
If that's the Toxic Avenger, where's
his ward and sidekick Fatass?
It's Lardass, punk!
Let's fight.
On guard!
Toxie's got his head up his ass.
I've got my head up my ass.
Children, duck! Duck!
No, no, no, no!
Toxie!
Noooo!
All the retards, Toxie!
Oh, the humanity!
Go get him, Toxie!
You can't k*ll me, Toxie.
You see this exploding timing
device on my chest?
That b*mb over there in the corner?
- Kiss your school goodbye.
- Oh my God!
Five seconds after my heart stops
this school is nothing
but dead tards and charred lard.
That's right! Kazinski said
you'd be here. That's right!
Sergeant Theodore Kazinski,
Tromaville A*F.
Where do you think I got all these
g*ns in the first place anyway?
He understands this world is full of
unthinking cattle that need to be led
into the new millennium
with a new order.
And the first step in the process is
to eliminate all these Ret*rded
and genetically mutated freaks
and sh*t!
That wasn't a nice thing to say.
Excuse me, Miss Wiener.
- Toxie, you were always
my best student. - Thanks!
No, Toxie! Don't let your Tromatons
control you!
Tromatons?
Think, Toxie. If his heart stops,
the b*mb'll go off!
Put it back in!
Ah there you go, good as new.
Oh darn it.
Come on, Toxie.
Let's get these kids out of here.
This building's about to explode!
This b*mb is now armed.
Detonation in T minus 5 seconds.
This would be easier if I had a mop.
T minus 5 seconds.
These dr*gs are gonna blow
my ass off.
Whoa. What the...?
Didn't your special helper tell you
that dr*gs are bad for you?
f*ck off super zero!
I'm just trying to act
like all the other cool cats my age.
What's the deal, Tox?
Well the deal is, I just can't
standby and watch you k*ll yourself.
I'm not k*lling myself,
dr*gs k*ll my pain.
- Being a teenager sucks.
- Well.
Being a Ret*rded teenager
sucks worse.
- dr*gs make it suck less.
- You're pretty articulate
...for a draggie special student.
- What's articulatit?
Come on!
T minus 4 seconds.
Toxie, bear up!
No, Toxie! Church and state
must remain separated!
Holy cow! Lardass, I have to go
impregnate my wife. It's time.
Action sausage nunchuks.
Deli stile!
T minus 3 seconds.
Toxie, hurry! Do you feel
what time it is?
Oh Toxie, in my blind eyes
you are the most beautiful man
in the world.
3 seconds.
I can't believe, it's not butter!
You know. I have a good feeling
about the sex we had just now.
I really think you got pregnant.
Oh! What time is it?
Melvin, what's gotten into you?
I know, you're really excited about
the results of the pregnancy test,
aren't you?
Yeah. That's it, Sarah.
No. I gotta get back to the school,
the special kids are in trouble.
What am I to you anymore Melvin?
I feel like a giant ovary
with a hundred and ten pounds
of flesh attached.
- God!
- Sarah, what are you saying?
That's not what it is at all.
I love you.
Well I just can't seem to understand
why Lardass can't do some of the
crime fighting by himself sometime.
I know, Lardass is all grown up now,
but when I made him my ward
all those years ago,
I promised him we'd be partners.
I know he's a big boy now,
a really, really big boy now,
but he's just not ready to defend
Tromaville on his own.
You go to your Lardass!
Maybe he'll have your baby for ya.
- I love you, Sarah!
- Yeah!
Toxie's here!
Sgt. Kabukiman, N.Y.P.D.
Why aren't you in there helping
the Toxic Avenger?
I'm a New York City police officer.
This is not my jurisdiction.
Besides Toxie suggested I stay out
here and stake out the area
because I can guard everyone out here
with my amazing oriental super powers
So everyone should be safe outside
with me here behind this fence.
I think you should actually come
in here.
T minus 2 seconds.
Toxie, Toxie!
The b*mb is about to go off!
T minus 1 second.
Thank heavens
for my peanut butter.
Come on, kids. Let's go.
We have no time to waste!
We've got to evacuate the building.
You're dead?
Come on! You're dead.
- Let's get out of here!
- T minus 0 seconds.
The b*mb will now blow up.
Thank you for shopping at Kmart.
Lardass, what are you doing?
We've got to get out of here!
No, Melvin, there's no time!
There are too many people in the
building, we'll never get them out.
Lardass, no! Don't eat the b*mb.
Lardass, no!
Even your superhuman stomach
can't contain it!
Noooo!
What have I done?
It's ok, Toxie, sweetie loves you.
Speak for yourself, bitch.
f*ck this place!
Get outta my way, pussies.
Lardass!
My friend.
Alright, men. Ready?
Aim!
Make g*ns go bang.
Alright, move after him
and use extreme caution.
That lumpy headed bastard
is dangerous.
Get in the car!
- I suppose I owe you a thanks.
- Don't mention it, boss.
I'm just glad
I decided to stick around.
- You just can't trust school kids
these days. - cr*ck deal?
- Sgt Kabukiman NYPD, what are you
talking about? - Sgt? NYPD? What?
What's wrong with you, Noxie?
Are you selling the cr*ck
or are you smoking it?
- sh*t! Hang on, Noxie!
- Noxie?
Did you see that?
That was a stop sign!
Look out!
What are you doing?
Those are police!
What's wrong with you, Noxie?
- You'd think you've never been chased
by the cops before. - I haven't.
Oh my God!
Everybody back, everybody back.
Just relax, stay calm.
Toxie, you alright?
What happened in there?
Hey medics, get over here,
get Toxie over the emergency ward.
You alright?
Come here!
Stay back, everybody!
He's armed.
What the hell did you do
to the chief?
Wow! Go, Toxie!
Toxie, what could've prompted
this vicious att*ck
on the citizens of Tromaville?
No f*cking comment.
Here, how about some hand me downs?
Yes!
Any final statement?
Shut your f*cking cake hole!
- This doesn't look good.
- No. It doesn't f*cking look good.
- We should do something.
- Do something like what?
Did you see what he just did
to the fuckinchief?
- f*ck that, I'm leaving.
Are you comin'? - Yeah, ok.
f*gg*t #1 meet f*gg*t #2.
Bingo!
Say it ain't so, Toxie,
say it ain't so.
It is so. Hold this fat ass.
Oopsie daisy!
Coming up at 11:00. Toxie kills
virtually everyone in Tromaville.
And our very own Josh Levinsky
gets jiggy with it.
Hang on, Noxie.
I can't pass this up.
Kabukiman!
That was an illegal U turn!
Old Lady dead ahead!
This is an American made car. Every
time they flip 25 feet in the air
and crash down, they blow up!
Let's get out of here.
- God damn!
- Oh, Toxie!
- The children picked these for you.
- Go f*ck yourself!
Toxie!
What the hell is going on here?
What is going on indeed.
The events which you are witnessing
have proven my theories regarding
the truly fragile nature
of the space-time continuum.
Nurse.
Blackboard!
Perfect.
As you can plainly see,
for every dimension
there exists a diametric opposite
of that dimension.
When two explosions of equal mass
occurred simultaneously, the barrier
between Tromaville and
its dimensional doppleganger,
Amortville, was weakened
for a moment.
This breach caused the Toxic Avenger
and his evil opposite
the Noxious Offender
to enter each other's reality.
That's pretty good for a shriveled
up cr*pple who can't get it up.
That is it, hell-bitch. I don't need
to take this sh*t from you.
My erectile dysfunction
has been resolved. See.
Thanks to the modern miracle
of penile implant
it merely takes a few squeezes
of my scrotal bump
to bring my once flaccid member
to a permanent state of tumescence.
Now get over here and
I'll show you, shriveled...
Excuse me.
I die,
but my insane theories live on.
Noxie! Where ya been?
Noxie, want some of this?
No, thank you.
Thanks for the offer but no.
- Jesus loves you, Toxie.
- f*ck you!
What is this evil, evil place?
Toxie!
Nice work at the school, my friend.
You need a ride some place?
Grandma, grandma, grandma,
grandma.
How am I supposed to smoke this cr*ck
without a f*cking pipe?
- f*ck off, Spazmo, that's the deal.
- The deal was the three of you, guys
for a rock and a stem.
You got your cr*ck, right? Now, go
smoke your sh*t and get out of here.
We'll try not to f*ck her up
too bad for you, okay?
But but that wasn't the deal.
That's it. Now I'm going to have
to freak you.
Stop that right now!
Hey, hey Noxie. What's going on, man?
You wanna help us b*at up
the Ret*rded guy?
Or you, hey you wanna help us
r*pe her?
Yeah, yeah.
Didn't you learn your lesson
last time I disemboweled you,
shoved your head up your ass,
and k*lled you with your own diaper?
- What? - What?
- Huh?
Guess not.
Sweetie, are you okay?
The bad boys were tryin' to touch me.
Bad boys, bad boys.
They're gone now, everything is okay.
Keep calm you sweetie and honey.
What's your name little girl?
Sweetie Honey.
Oh, okay. Do you know where you live?
We gotta get you home.
I tried but my home was gone. 1122
Maplegrove Rd. Tromaville New Jersey.
Just like Grandma said,
and it was gone.
And you?
What the heck were you doing?
Looking for a cr*ck pipe.
What did it look like I was doing?
It looked like you were selling
Sweetie Honey for dr*gs!
And it looks like I saved you
from a severe b*ating.
What are you doing here,
and where is your home?
Man, I don't have a home.
I am a loner.
And Sweetie's house is gone,
just like she said.
That's ridiculous.
Come on, Sweetie Honey.
See kids, here's the dump,
right where I said it would be.
Now we'll go in my shack
and call your parents.
Parents? No parents, Mom and Dad d*ed
and then Autie Em took me in,
but Auntie Em hit me too much
so then nice lady took me to Grandma.
Okay, we'll call whoever, and Sarah
will make you some lunch, and...
Where's my shack? It was right here.
See? I told you.
I don't think we're in Tromaville
anymore, Toto.
Tito, my name is Tito.
Whatever.
What are you going to do now,
Mr. Kingshit?
I don't know. I really don't know.
I'm hungry. You said
that I was going to have lunch.
I'm really really hungry.
You want lunch too?
No, see I am a junkie, so I don't
have to eat. But boy am I thirsty.
Do you have any whiskey or any booze?
Here you go kids,
something to eat and drink.
Eww, gross. This whiskey tastes
like pregnant lady's piss.
What kind of sandwich is this?
Congratulations Sorry
you're pregnant.
You know, I don't know why
on the commercials, they say these
pregnancy tests are hard to read,
this seems pretty clear to me.
Oh my gosh!
We did it! I'm gonna be a daddy.
- A daddy?
- Yeah, I made a baby.
Baby?
I love babies.
Yes! Yes!
Wait a second, wait a second.
I gotta find Sarah.
I gotta find out how to get home.
I gotta do something.
You gotta get me lunch.
Okay. I'm gonna figure out
how to get us home, .
- I'm gonna get you some lunch and...
- Lunch.
- And you two stay here.
- Stay here?
- Stay here.
- Here?
Yeah, it's a lot safer here.
It's dangerous and unpredictable
out there.
So just stay here and I'll be back
for you just as soon as I can. Bye.
Stay here, stay here, stay here.
Who does the Toxic Avenger
think he is? My parents?
f*ck this place man,
I'm out of here.
No! Tito, you can't go. Toxie said
to stay here. He's over there,
and you're over there and we have
to stay here, Tito, no,
'cause I don't want to be alone.
'Cause Toxie's goir over there,
and you're goin' over there
and I have to stay here
and Mommy and Daddy ran away,
and Auntie Em was really mean,
and Uncle Bobby was really mean
and I don't want to be alone!
Tito, I don't want to be alone!
Tito, come back! Come back!
Okay.
Okay. You are giving me
a stomachache in my brain.
If you don't want to be a lonesome
you have to come with me
but I am in charge,
I make choices out here.
Okay.
Let's go. I am in charge.
Thanks, Tito. Will you hold my hand?
That's okay. Please hold my hand.
You know, Toxie
I used to think that you were
one of those namby pamby
p*ssy-footin' mother f*ckers.
You know one of those bleeding heart
heroes that's always makin'
my job difficult.
But you're actually a bad guy.
You're all right.
Thanks.
You better split, Toxie.
This press conference is about you.
I'll hang around
and see what the deal is,
then we'll meet at your house later.
Go on.
- My place?
- Go go go.
Oh, lick my balls. Mother fucker.
Jesus f*cking H. Christ. f*ck.
- I never trusted Toxie!
- Yeah!
- I knew he was bad from day one!
- Yeah!
That's my husband you're talking
about. He loves you people!
Bullshit! We all loved Chief Newman.
Face it! Toxie's gone mad!
Yeah!
Wait! Wait everybody!
Toxie saved me and my unborn child
from the b*mb.
Toxie's a hero!
Heroes don't double amputate
police chiefs
and hurl twelve-year-old children
into brick walls!
Please, please. Quiet down, folks.
Let's get down to the Lord's work.
We all saw the Toxic Avenger k*ll,
not only our beloved police chief,
but innocent bystanders as well.
So, we've got to bring him in.
For questioning!
Not sh*t by some
vigilante citizens' group.
Fear not citizens!
I have assembled the only team
capable of bringing him in.
Super Heroes, united one and all,
to protect Tromaville.
And I thank God for it.
Now to introduce them
first, please put your hands together
and give the clap to the Vibrator.
Our next superhuman hero protects
creatures of the ocean.
Please give a warm Tromaville welcome
to Dolphin Man!
Unfortunately
there's not much water here
so Dolphin Man is pretty useless.
But we have somebody stronger,
more powerful, much better looking.
Who are they going to bring out next?
A cow that walks upright?
Please, welcome Mad Cowboy!
Jesus Christ!
Now, when rock super star Mastur G
and mild mannered sex offender
John Bator
went into the same faulty elevator
little did they realize
they would emerge as one man
a man that could fight crime with
sheer repulsion and bad rhyming.
Please, give a warm welcome
to combined Mastur G and John Bator
Masturbator!
Yeah! I'm the Masturbator,
the freaky palm god.
Get back, you egg nog.
Here it comes, Tromaville,
here it comes!
It's comin' up Tromaville.
And now, last but not least,
the man to b*at the man,
the creme de la creme,
the greatest superhero of all.
Please, welcome Sgt Kabukiman NYPD.
Thank you, mayor.
Thank you very much.
Thank you. I just want to reassure
every citizen of Tromaville
that Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD
can single handedly end
Toxie's reign of terror.
What a dumb-ass!
Why, I could take him out
with my heat-seeking chopsticks,
or, or I could suffocate him
with my computerized 16 bite sushi,
or burn him, burn him
with my pyro projectile parasols.
I got many more to take him out but
I don't think that will be necessary.
Toxie will come in on his own.
He was just having a bad day.
We all have bad days! You know,
maybe we don't go around ripping off
the arms of the police chief and bash
priests and cops in the heads with...
- Thank you!
- He's probably bi-polar.
Abraham Lincoln
was bi-polar and what did he do?
He freed the slaves.
So you see,
if we just sit back, relax
everything will come to a peaceful
kabuki conclusion.
Thank you, Kabukiman.
Well as you can see
Tromaville is in very capable hands.
This concludes our press conference.
Now, the moment you've all been
waiting for: The puppet show.
f*cking metal ball, f*cking grass,
f*cking street,
f*cking fence, f*cking fat girl.
- Toxie, I'm your biggest fan!
- That's great.
Even a simple cr*ck whore like me,
working her way through art school,
can appreciate
the finer aspects of you.
Where is my house?
Maybe we should follow the signs.
Toxie's Shack.
The Plastique Palace?
That's me!
That's just wrong.
Stop! Hold on!
Oh sh**t! There goes one of his arms.
Oh, poor baby.
Oh yeah. Look at that.
Oh, he got nothing but a little bit
of body left.
You see that thing runnin' after us
with the mop?
I don't know, man,
but he sure is ugly!
C'mon step on it, let's go!
He's getting mighty close.
Oh no, he's jumping into the back
of the car.
Stop you! Stop the car!
What the good g*dd*mn was that?
What're we gonna do?
Will you say something?
I'm afraid!
Get away from me, please please.
I was only kiddin'!
Please, don't att*ck me, please!
Hey ugly, ugly!
Come here!
Gee, I'm really sorry
you lost your body.
It's okay, ugly hero.
It hurts but I've been through worse.
You know a black man in America gets
used to having nobody behind him.
I guess I just got nobody at all.
Hey, what are we gonna do about
that crazy ass white boy up there?
Well, I know what we can do
with that mutha fucker.
White Power! White Power!
Hey boys, I brought you a present.
- White Power! White Power!
- Hey, don't you recognize me?
What you doin'?
That was fun. Thanks again
for saving my life, super guy.
Hey my name's Pompey.
Pleased to meet you, Pompey.
I'm Toxie.
Sorry.
Well, here we are, Pompey.
The Plastique Palace.
Oh yeah dude, you don't got
to give me the play by play.
- Just get me my body back.
- Will do.
- Mr. Offender.
- Huh?
Oh, I thought you were inspecting
the hot dog factory today.
It's not the penile implant, is it?
No no no!
I mean, hum no!
Everything's fine
with the uh penile implant.
But will you fix my friend here?
Oh hey, how ya doing there?
Pretty ugly.
I can hear that bitch!
Who you calling ugly?
Get my f*cking head out of this bag
and give me my body back, alright?
- I think we can take care of it!
- Thanks!
What you do here? Give me
a new body. I mean build me one.
Think you can give me one of those
bionic bodies or something like that?
Get me a new body, alright?
- Hot dog parts.
- Yes, ma'am.
You make a brother into a hot dog?
You lucky I ain't got my feet!
I'd kick yo ass!
- I'm really hungry.
- Okay okay.
You are so annoying!
No wonder everybody hates
Ret*rded people!
Hey, let's go to the office and f*ck!
C'mon, let's get you some hot dogs.
Hot dogs! I really love hot dogs.
Help me!
So that's how they make hot dogs.
Gross.
I'm never eating hot dogs again.
Get me out of this bucket of body
parts and help me find my real body.
Help me, oh my God!
Hey, buddy!
Can you spare some change for
an out of work particle physicist?
Lardass?
- Lardass!
- f*ck you, Mr. Lumpyhead!
I can't believe you're alive!
I thought you were dead.
First of all, my name's not Lardass,
it's Chester.
I resent the implication.
Secondly, I wish I was dead.
I was a scientist,
one of the greatest in the world,
and now I'm reduced to being
the greatest cocksucker in the world.
Without my Claire,
life is meaningless.
Hey, that's my wife!
- Is that what you call her?
- So you're really not my Lardass?
I'm not Lardass, I'm Chester!
I'm just a common street whore
who happens to know
the key to Inter-dimensional travel.
Inter-dimensional travel?
The ability to travel
between dimensions.
And then my Claire was kidnapped,
by your g*ons, evil crime Lord.
Then I just gave up the project,
gave up my life as I knew it.
But what do you care? To you I'm just
a little piece of human sh*t.
Another life shattered
by your evil reign.
Another story to tell your cronies
while sitting up in your mansion
up there 4 blocks up on the right.
What's the matter?
My lips aren't sweet enough
for your toxic testicle nectar?
Don't worry, Chester, I'll be back.
Well, when you come back
you'd better bring cash or pastries
or you're not gonna get to touch
this ass.
Melvin, is that you? I heard
what happened at school today.
- You can hear?
- Of course I can hear.
I was so worried about you.
After all, our soon to be baby
needs a daddy.
And look at the little baby outfit
I made, there's even a little mop.
Wait. You're pregnant?
Well, yeah I'm pregnant.
Melvin, your hands,
they're so soft!
Your manly chest,
it's not quite so manly anymore.
I've been eating
a lot of melons lately.
Melvin! Somehow your wiener has
miraculously turned into a vag*na.
- What's going on around here?
- Just relax.
It's good for our relationship,
it's good for the baby.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, it's good for the baby, baby.
I don't know what Noxie
sees in this bitch, anyway.
My ass is so much sweeter than hers!
Where is he?
It's time for my 5 o'clock reaming.
Noxie, hey baby!
Get off me, you.
Cock chugging masochist!
Look, you pervert, just get off!
It's time for the rough stuff.
I'll be right over here.
Noxie!
Excuse me, madam.
Claire, wake up.
Wake up, Claire.
Rise and shine, come on.
Don't worry, we'll get you outta
here in a jiffy.
Hey!
Wait a second, you can see?
Of course I can see, stupid.
You're deaf?
- What is this, some kind of joke?
- Blast! I wish I took
those sign language classes
at Tromaville Community College.
Well, that's okay. I can read lips,
you dirty dumb dumb dumb ass!
What's a matter? Why don't you
r*pe me r*pe me and b*at me b*at me
like you usually do,
you f*ckin' pervert!
Fill my chocolate starfish
with your chunky, chunky d*ck snot.
Come on, come and do it now.
Come and get it over with.
No, no. Hold it,
you don't understand.
Yeah!
Firey!
It's expl*sive.
Well ladies,
now that you're all warmed up,
are your chocolate starfish ready
for my chunky d*ck snot?
Oh my God!
Get that thing away from me!
Where you going?
Where did the lovely lady go?
You're about to find out the answers
to all your questions.
Look, not that I can't,
but I'm married.
- Will you get off?
- I'm trying, damn it!
Claire, Claire.
Look. I know I may look
like that Noxie character,
but I'm not him,
I'm totally different.
What's a matter, did I do something
wrong? Have I been a bad girl?
I'll do anything you want.
Just don't hurt me no more!
Chester sent me.
Chester?
I'm your daddy now.
I'm about to have your abortion.
Better not be another
Jehovah's witness.
f*ck off! Oh, it's you.
Toxie, I've got a little proposition
for you.
What say we take a little ride?
Okay.
Wait, can we stop for ice cream?
Hey, hold it right there, Noxie!
What's wrong with you, man? You're
like a totally different person
and now what? Takin' the sex sl*ve
out for a romantic dinner?
I don't know what's gotten into you,
but it's not right.
Now why don't you take that slut
back to the pit where she belongs
and come with me?
We've got something to discuss.
What the f*ck!?
You read sign language, right?
Well, listen to this!
Run, Claire, run!
I knew it.
I knew something was wrong.
You're not the real Noxie after all,
are you?
That may be,
but I know Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD and
you sir are no Sgt Kabukiman NYPD.
Lord, Jesus, Mother Mary,
you up there, it's me,
Mayor Goldberg of Tromaville.
I really really need you, Lord.
I need a sign, just any sign,
just to show me that you're here
for the people of Tromaville.
Please, Lord, just any sign,
just a sign.
Please, any sign.
Oh well, thanks for taking the time
to listen.
I feel better for asking. Amen.
Coming up at 11.
Mayor Goldberg out, Toxie in.
And our very own Josh Levitsky
makes a run for the border.
In his special piece
about lesbians titled.
Strappin' it on
and getting up over in there.
Rootin' around.
- I know where I'm gonna be at 11.
- Hey, that's appointment TV!
Toxie? Toxie?
What? Who's there?
You mother fucker, can't you hear me?
Mister Head,
I didn't see you back there.
No, my name ain't Mister Head, man.
It's Pompey.
Pompey, nice to meet you.
My name is Tito.
- Yah how you doin', Tito?
- Pompey, let's make a deal.
If you chew through my ropes, I won't
let you become meat product, okay?
sh*t, that sounds like a plan to me,
Tito. Come here.
Chew, chew, Pompey!
Chew like the wind.
Chew, Pompey, but hurry or else
you'll become Pompey headcheese.
Not headcheese, no!
Almost...
Alright, got it!
Come get me, get me!
f*ck this man, I'm outta here.
Me too! Me too! Help! Me too!
Okay.
- Okay.
- Ready... here we go.
Wait, Tito! Toxie needs help!
No! No no!
- What do I do?
- You big Ret*rded p*ssy!
You better get your ass over there
and help that Ret*rded girl.
You go, girl! You hit him!
Hit him again! He'll survive that.
You get him, Ret*rded girl.
Work it out!
Come, we gotta get out of here.
Come on!
Come on!
Dead end, dead end!
Toxie, we've got to go.
Oh no! What happened?
Kabukimars coming. We've got to go.
Come on, let's go. Jump, chickenshit.
C'mon, let's go!
- I don't want to go!
- Go!
Damn!
Damn!
They're very slowly getting away.
Well, f*ck'em.
Mayor Goldberg, Tromaville's liberal
kubla khan, dead at 52.
What is to become of Tromadu?
Tromadu! What will happen
to the stately pleasure dome
he built with the taxpayers' money?
Tromadu, where man and beast play,
and women play with each other.
Tromadu, haven to the artsy
and to the fartsy.
And who can forget
the interpretive dancers?
People are letting it all hang out
at one of the famous Tromadu
grotto parties.
Look here, it's the Toxic Avenger,
Tromaville's newest mayor.
Mr. Toxie, how did you find cultural
conditions in Tromaville?
With great difficulty.
Hey Toxie, what do you make of this
easy on the eyes
Jackson Pollack-esque painting here?
Well, I guess everyone's a critic.
Look at these young lovers, enjoying
the bounteous pleasures at Tromadu.
I could die in these breasts.
Bullseye!
Cupid strikes again.
And so does Toxie.
That's what I call a facelift.
Looking good, Toxie.
At Tromadu Toxie is always ahead
in the polls,
or a pole in the head.
Whoopsie daisy!
Uh uh, the party's over, says Toxie.
Wow. It looks like Toxie's
really tuckered out.
- What's that on your face, Toxie?
- Nose blood.
Toxie promises his first action
as mayor will be to k*ll
all those goofy superheroes,
especially Kabukiman.
Oh my gosh, we're doomed.
We're doomed.
We're gonna die.
Wait, we're acting all chicken.
It's about time we do some evil ass
kickin'.
That's really nice, Masturbator,
but f*ck that. I'm not going to die,
not in Jersey.
Now I'm getting the hell out of here.
My God, I never thought of it
that way before.
Now let's save Tromaville!
Go, Mad Cowboy.
Go, Dolphin Man.
Go, Masturbator.
Speed it up, Vibrator.
I'm coming!
That Kabuki-f*gg*t ran away.
I kicked his ass good.
I guess that...
Well, I guess that...
I guess...
I guess that takes care of that.
I Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD
am a failure.
I suck.
My arm is broken.
My leg is all f*cked up.
And I gotta pee like a race horse.
Where's the hospital?
Aaaawww shite!
This ain't no f*ckin' hospital!
It's not the f*ckin' hospital!
Hey, ya got a pisser in here?
'Cause I've gotta pee real bad.
Yes I do.
Oh my gosh!
Who could do such a thing
to a defenseless,
beautiful,
hot, exceedingly attractive woman
like that?
I must...
I must free her, yeah.
Here I come, Kabukiman,
to the rescue.
Hold on there, damsel in distress.
Your hero is about to arrive,
to save. I'm here to rescue you.
Just grab these knots.
Undo these knots.
This knot.
This is not easy.
Have a pie.
See ya tomorrow?
Alright, alright, who's next?
- Claire, is that you?
- Oh, Chester.
Claire! I though you were dead!
I was dead without your love.
I dreamt of you every single night.
I dreamed of you.
The r*pe, the t*rture,
the corn holing that fucker Noxie
put me through.
Oh, my darling, look what he
did to your face.
That doesn't matter now.
All that matters is that I'm here
with you.
Oh!
Chester!
Ooh! Yea!
The ecstasy!
Do you remember the cheese?
I saved the cheese for you, Claire.
I've been waiting so long to cut
the cheese for you, Claire.
Yeah, cowboy!
Claire, I love you.
You're pregnant!
That's wonderful, doctor!
You're pregnant with two babies.
Two babies!?
From what appears to be two
completely different fathers.
And that's preposterous!
That must be...
good...
...and evil.
- Right.
Well what can I do about that,
doctor?
Well I'm glad you
asked that question.
Nurse?
Lovely, just like that. Thank you.
What I have done is extracted
the actual fluid
from the feti inside your body.
This is the good fluid,
this is the evil fluid.
You can tell because it's red.
Now, inside your body you have
to make a choice
Because these two right here
are fighting, fighting, fighting.
One will win, and eventually
this is what it will look like.
That sizzles.
That will be you.
The choice is very simple
and clearly yours.
Either A, you can choose to explode,
or B, you can choose to abort.
- Explode or abort.
- What does one do?!
I'll have to think about that,
doctor.
Ponder not too long because actually
you only have about 2 or 3 hours
until this whole process
takes place.
Melvin, where are you!?
- Doctor, remove the thermometer
from my behind. - Well, let me check.
Tromaville Abortion Clinic,
may I help you?
I'm sorry but the doctor's
still in the topless bar,
I mean an appointment.
Would you like his voicemail?
Choose life or die!
Choose life or die!
Choose life or die!
Choose life or die!
Choose life or die!
It sure is hot out here today.
Hello?
Excuse me,
is this the line
for the family planning?
No?
Burn in hell, abortion bitch!
At least this sweet gentle rain
will cool things off today.
Oh, my goodness!
Oh, my goodness, sweetie,
look at you!
Quick we gotta get you AP,
Careful
We'll take good care of you.
Well, I'm really only here
to weigh my options.
Options? Oh we've got lots
of options!
Let's see, first we open up your
vag*na with this speculum,
and take this instrument,
a little sort of like a harpoon,
we can shove it all in...
What's the matter, my dear?
I think I'm going into labor.
Oh, my goodness,
we better abort in a hurry.
Dottor Cassidy!
What seems to be the problem,
Miss Scraper?
This young lady needs to be
de-foetused, stat!
An excellent choice, my dear.
And so much better for the children,
I'm sure you'll agree. Now let's
just take a tiny little listen, ok?
Whoa, my, my, that one is lively,
isn't it?
That f*ckin' speculum, I told you to
throw mother-fucker away!
There's a case for the speculum!
- Next.
- My anus!
My f*ckin' butthole!
Call a doctor!
Tromaville Abortion Clinic,
may I help you?
I'm sorry but the doctor just
d*ed of rectal hemorrhaging.
Would you like his voicemail?
It's alright, it's ok.
It's ok, Toxie.
Look! I told you he'd be here!
Claire says that she knew
you'd be here, in this dump!
It's the only place I know.
We'd like to thank you again,
for bringing us back together.
- Yes, thank you.
- So come on,
...let's get you out of here.
- What's the point?
I mean I belong here in the dump with
the garbage and the rotting food.
You seem to have forgotten something.
I'm a physicist. When I said I was
gonna get you out of here,
- I meant this dimension!
- Dimension.
- Come on.
- Come on.
- Let's go.
- We go.
A scientific comrade of mine was
recently k*lled in a freak accident,
and he bequeathed me his laboratory
and all of his insane theories of
inter-dimensional travel.
- Travel.
- I hope you don't mind the mess.
Um, no, I didn't even notice it.
Now let's get you back to Tromaville.
I think I've got it. I've found the
key to inter-dimensional travel
in this seldom read scientific tome.
Please tell me it doesn't
involve exploding a school
...full of special children.
- No, it's much simpler.
You see Toxie, You've had the power
to go home this whole time.
These will help you find your way.
Oh, I give off!
The operating procedures
are quite simple.
All you have to do is think of home
and click your heels three times.
You may have to try this
more than once.
Inter-dimensional travel is not
an exact science.
You might find yourself in Heaven.
Or you might find yourself on a
1970's gay p*rn set.
Ready?
Upsy daisy.
- Come on, Tito.
- Come on, Tito, hop up.
I'm not going.
What do you mean you're not going?
Tito, come on, we've got to go back
to Tromaville. We don't belong here.
I don't belong anywhere.
But as long as there are people
like evil mabuki pagoop...
Kabukiman running around,
I must stay and protect the citizens
of Amortville.
I have become the Ret*rded Revenger!
Don't forget about your sidekick,
Pompey
The baddest bodyless mother-fucker
in all of Amortiville.
I want you to have this,
in memory of Lardass.
Actually, Tito, you've already
made me proud.
- My man.
- I will miss you,
Toxic Avenger.
- I'll miss you too, Tito.
- Yeah!
Can I have my blanket?
Ready?
There's no place like Tromaville.
There's no place like Tromaville.
There's no place like Tromaville.
What's...
What the... What the...
I never felt...
Cut!
- Alfred Jones.
- Leukemia.
Jeffrey Smith.
- Alcoholism.
- Bill Gullow.
Polio.
God, I kinda think they invented
a cure for that one.
Goddammit! Well that's alright.
Every time they come up with a cure
for one disease,
I come up with something
even more deadly!
AIDS. Now that was a good one!
AIDS!
- God?
- Yeah, what do you want?
- We just wanna go home.
- You bastard!
What do you wanna go home for!?
This is Heaven!
This is the best place around!
God, I think this is the Toxic
Avenger, he's from Tromaville.
Alright,
you can go back to Tromaville,
but you gotta do me two favors!
First you gotta kick the asses of all
the murderers and child rapists!
And, you tell the Pope, stop talking
about me, he doesn't know me.
And his hat is stupid!
- Uh, yes sir!
- Get outta here!
Alright God! You're awesome!
All those other super human heroes
would've d*ed anyway.
Now I've got Toxie's shack,
we're drinkin', we got some bimbos
on the way, it's all good.
Who the hell are you? Toxie...
Noxie, he's gonna k*ll.
Oh what do I do?
I just had the weirdest dream! Sgt.
Kabukiman NYPD you were there.
Except you were evil
and you kicked my ass.
And you!
You weren't there.
And you!
You weren't there either.
Who are you guys?
What're you doing in my shack?
Don't hurt me.
Kabuk, where's Sarah? What's going
on? What happened to you?
Toxie? Toxie,
is that really you?
Is that the real you?
Yeah it's me.
Thank God!
Hey, you've gotta stop yourself,
the evil version of you.
- You've gone power mad.
- The evil version of me?
Sweetie Honey!
Then it wasn't a dream!
- Where's Sarah?
- I saw her at the hospital.
She's been kidnapped by the evil
Toxic Avenger, the evil you,
and wait, you don't wanna go in
there. It's all sealed up tight now
and they got a sh*t load of guards
and they all know kung fu and...
Ok. We've got to get the other heroes
of Tromaville and storm the hospital!
They're all dead.
- All of them?
- Yep.
- Even Dolphin Man?
- Oh, yeah.
Alright, well then it's up to
the two of us. C'mon, let's go.
Ok, I'll catch up with ya.
I'll be right there. Just gonna...
- What's your name?
- Sweetie Honey.
I'm a big girl too.
Oh yes you are,
Here would you like a drink?
Good girl.
Yes, fight my son, Fight!
- How long!?
- I'm not sure.
Very well. If you need me I'll be
in the snack bar having nachos.
Kazinsky, we may have a problem.
What is it?
I'm due for my nose job.
- I think Toxie's good again!
- What misfortune.
Toxie, come in! Videhauffer says
you've turned good again!
- What the hell is that?
- Go check it out.
And make sure whatever he's talking
about doesn't make it to this floor!
Yes, sir.
I've gotta find Sarah!
If there only were a giant map
like they have at the mall.
Tromaville Hospital!
Oh, hello!
Let's see, I'm in here
and Noxie is here
and uh let's see here
armed guards that want
to k*ll me are here.
Oh, no! Now I've got AIDS!
I've got to get out of here.
Toxie.
You blew up a school filled
with special children.
What's inside your head?
Let's find out, shall we?
No, Toxie, no!
Sarah!
Yeah, I f*cked her.
No.
Not only am I gonna k*ll you,
I'm gonna r*pe your virgin ass first.
No!
Ever been in prison?
That won't work.
- Let's see...
- What are you doing?
It's gonna blow.
I think my waters broke.
Do you know what the difference is
between you and me? I'm a real person
I don't have to fill my body
with plastics and silicone!
My eye is real!
Doink!
My d*ck is real!
And my colon is real
and my large intestine is real.
And my pancreas is real!
And my duodenal ulcer is real!
Most importantly...
so is my heart.
Stewy?
Bozo?
Melvin?
- I'm you.
- I'm you.
Gimme a hug!
Oh, you're beautiful.
Sorry sorry sorry sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What is wrong with you?
I'm evil.
Don't you know that?
- Gimme some!
- No.
That's it.
I'll be back, mother-fucker,
if there's a sequel
I'll be back!
Sarah, it's ok honey, I'm here.
Oh, Melvin! I'm so glad you're back.
Doctors!
Is there a doctor in the house?
Anyone, someone?
Oh, my God!
She's hemorrhaging!
No no, this is just d*ck tissue.
Hello? Hello?
Baby?
Tonight at 11, bad Toxie goes out
good Toxie in.
And congratulations Toxie,
we heard it's a boy.
- Hey, all right!
- Also at 11 our very own Levinsky.
Will be taking some of our local
super heroes shopping for tights.
He's a beautiful, big,
bouncing baby boy!
Sixty pounds and four ounces.
Oh, he is beautiful.
He looks just like you!
- Toxie.
- Oh, Ms. Wiener.
I just really wanted to thank you
for saving me and my beautiful baby
- Laqueesha.
- She looks just like her mother.
And I've also brought the special
students in to thank you, too.
Come on in kids.
- Hey Sweetie.
- Toxie,
We made this award for you
cause you're an alumnus
of the Tromaville School
for the Very Special,
and you're very special.
Wow. Thanks kids.
And Toxie, I want you to have
the blanky for the baby,
cause I'm a very big girl now
and I don't need it.
- Are you sure?
- Just ask Sgt. Kabukiman.
Hey hey hey!
Hey! Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD,
my best friend. How ya feelin'?
Not too bad.
Doctors say my arm and leg should
be healed in a couple of weeks.
I just can't wait to get the
stitches removed from my anus.
Anus anus anus anus anus anus!
Knock knock.
Pompey, you got a new body,
you're just not a head anymore.
If we're talking about bodies,
you have some body on you!
Now we could talk about head
and all that stuff later,
but are you ready to meet your
other new child?
Wait a minute, another child?
The evil baby!
I think a child is as much a product
of his environment as anything.
And I think we have enough love to
raise any kid as a good kid.
Well, if you think so, Melvin.
Yeah, a real American family
for the new millennium.
Awesome!
Now let's take a peek.
What?
Hey, cute kid.
Toxie, Toxie, I can explain.
I was drunk, she was tied down.
I forgot to zip up.
Alright, later.
Due to the depletion
of the ozone layer
and the careless dumping
of hazardous nuclear waste
thousands of people
find themselves trapped
in an evil parallel universe every
year and the numbers are rising.
This film is respectfully dedicated
to those who have lost their lives
facing down their own
evil doppelgangers.
So if you find yourself thrust into
an alternate reality
look to the horizon
one hideously deformed creature
of superhuman size and strength
will be there yes,
dear reader, he'll be there.
He's the Toxic Avenger.
And please don't forget to recycle
your bottles and cans.
This just in Jesus out, Satan in.
- And I for one worship the dark lord
- Really? - Yeah I do.
You guys get together
and have worship?
We do. Actually this Sunday we're
having a calf slaughtering
at the ninety second street Y,
and our very own Josh Levinsky
will be running a cake walk
and then we're going
to sacrifice him.
- Really? - Yeah.
- That's amazing.
Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV (2000)
Moderator: Maskath3