02x07 - A Crime of Fashion

[bunniefuu]

God, I hate Fashion Week. Excuse me.

Person who looks like
a person coming through.

Really?

Usually I'm the best-dressed one here.

I'm the "Where'd you get
that jacket" guy?

But this week I'm the "Why'd
you get that jacket" guy?

Best dressed? Only 'cause
they make me wear this.

I'm actually a style maven.

Turned my bathroom into a second closet.

Now I use the toilet downstairs
at the Burger King.

Are you eating a turkey leg or is that

what a regular chicken leg
looks like in your hand?

Had a lunch date at Medieval Times.

If that wasn't bad enough, the
guy was very rude to our wench.

So getting back out there
isn't going great.

It's these day dates.

The only men free
in the middle of the day

are midlife-crisis divorcees,
single dads,

and late-in-life college students.

I'm standing right here.

You're cool. Where'd
you get that jacket?

And I'm back.

You got to hang in there, Judge.

Dating in the real world is tough.

It's certainly not a fairy tale.

- Aren't you dating a prince?
- He's a duke.

But it's nothing like the stories.

His stepmother is lovely

and not at all threatened
by his good looks...

even though my man is fair as hell.

I know dating now is just apps and DMs,

but sometimes I wish
there was a little more magic

to the process.

Like a mysterious man
comes knocking at your window,

and he's wet and handsome
and right there?

- [HAND THUDDING]
- He's good-looking. Let him in.

Thank you.

You won't believe how hard it is
to get people

to let a strange man
climb through their window

in this city.

With that hat, I thought
you were about to dance.

My name is Martini, like the drink.

My names's Abby, like where nuns live.

You know, there's something about you

that weirdly feels like we've...

- Have we met before?
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]

Oh. Paparazzi. They found me. Got to go.

Is that fairy tale enough for you?

He even left a slipper.

- Doesn't count. It's not glass.
- [GLASS BREAKING]

Oh! Guess it was.

Well, well, well. Look what the cat...

threw up on.

Every dry cleaner in town
is booked for Fashion Week.

Where are you taking your laundry?

These are lesser jackets.

I'm donating them to the charity
in the cafeteria.

Wow. You're helping total
strangers instead of me, huh?

Huh. See if I ever do you a favor again.

Let's go over the definition
of "again" and possibly "favor."

You. You're my lawyer.
Who are you wearing?

Don't answer that.
I already know, and I love it.

- Did we win?
- Win?

Walking into this building sort
of takes winning off the table.

It must be Erika Ellis.
How did you get out of holding?

You answered that yourself.

I'm Erika Ellis, editor
of Better Than You magazine.

Magazine? Well, on behalf
of everyone here,

thank you for defeating the Internet.

Mm.

Forgive me if I'm not impressed.

Dan, what's the deal with your dry...

Away.

Okay. Now I'm impressed.

Been trying to get people
to leave me alone for years.

You do it with two syllables.
Show me your ways.

You get these ludicrous charges dropped,

and I'll teach you everything I know.

Winning's gonna be tough.

I mean, you're not what lawyers

or humanity would call
a sympathetic figure.

And unfortunately, the judge,
she's a person.

The People vs. Erika Ellis.

Your Honor, the defendant is charged

with misdemeanor as*ault.

Also let the record show... mean.

Uh, Your Honor, I think as*ault
is a bit too much.

The victim was an exotic bird.

And who hasn't wanted to throw
a phone at a peacock?

They just think they're
so much better than us.

Your client has a history
of violent outbursts.

She's thrown phones at Davids
Beckham, Copperfield,

- and Schwimmer.
- Two out of anger...

one out of love.

The defense would like to ask
for a continuance

so that I may confer with my client.

Dan Fielding wants to spend
more time with a client?

Sure. Let's get weird.
We'll reconvene tomorrow.

Badges, leather, handcuffs.

Where have you been my whole life?

- Right here, baby.
- [CHUCKLES]

A date with a deejay?

That at least must have been fun.

Deejays aren't as much fun
during the day.

They're just some guy in a deli yelling,

"Put your burger-flippin' hands
in the air!"

[THUDDING]

- Did you hear that?
- I swear I k*lled that possum.

Unless he was faking it,
which would be so him.

It's just me.
I was hiding from the press.

But I fell asleep
on what I thought was a pillow

and now know is a possum.

Now I recognize you.

You're Martini Toddwallis, the
famous British fashion designer.

You probably know me from
my revolutionary concept show,

"Anything Can Be Pants."

You know, I've always had
an idea for a shirt that's pizza

so when you spill pizza on it,
no one's the wiser.

That's incredible.

Not the idea, but what your...
your mouth is doing.

You mean smiling?

I don't see a lot of that
in my line of work.

You're different than most girls I know.

You're... You're upbeat.
You make eye contact.

You haven't snorted any cocaine
this entire conversation.

I'll snort...
when something's really funny.

Have you seen that commercial

where the guy stops us
from turning into our parents?

[SNORTS] It's so real.

You’re so real.

Would you like to have dinner
with me tonight?

She'd love to.

Till then.

Why did you say yes for me?

Because I was worried you'd say no.

And this guy's into you.

I mean, he is charming and cute.

But it just feels like
we're from two different worlds.

He's from high fashion,
and I'm from "hi" fashion.

Well, that's what makes it so exciting.

Take me and the duke.
I never owned a castle.

He owns so many,
one of them is just mazes.

Doesn't he figure them out?

I said my man was fair as hell,
not smart as hell.

- What's that?
- It's my dry cleaning.

I need help,
and I know you have a hook-up.

Everyone's heard you brag about
that dry cleaner you got off

for using federally banned
chemicals, which he still uses.

- And that's why he's so good.
- That's why he so good.

Why would I do this?

Do it or I'll haunt you.

I'll sleep outside your apartment.

You think I won't?

Does this look like a woman
with anything left to lose?

All right. Fine. I'll do it.
Just get out of here.

I have a meeting with a client

who could actually do something for me.

Oh, my.

You do need my help.

Trying to enjoy a quiet moment alone,

and that hussy throws her
sweat-soaked pantyhose at you.

Story of my life.
Damn this likable face.

But I've got great news for us.

I dug up some dirt on the peacock.

It has priors.

It bit three NBC executives

for using its likeness without consent.

You do good work.

Okay. Here's a taste.

You want to be left alone?

What? I've worn sunglasses before.

You've put on sunglasses,
but you've never worn them.

They're the same tint
as my shih tzu's Escalade.

No.

- Wow!
- Mm-hmm.

You've closed up
a whole new world for me!

You win my case

and I'll show you
the city's invite-only subway

and a secret Billy Joel concert
with no between-song patter.

It's all I want.

You stick with me,

you'll never have to deal with
another person

in this city again.

Hey, doll, I'm running
the Dress to Progress table.

We donate clothing to former convicts.

Is this your...

Okay. Terrific.

Damn it. Olivia's dry cleaning.

Oh, I think that's the wrong...

[SIGHS] Hello. I need to get in there.

It'll just take a second.

I don't get it.

Models are known for walking,
yet none of you move.

Anyone named Chloe,
I need you in the cafeteria now.

How did you do that?

Hold on. Someone's talking to me.

Oh, my God. It's the headset.

He's like a New York 7. Manitoba 12.

So, would you rather live
in the clouds or under the sea?

Ooh. Can I vote land?

I always dream about dressing mermaids.

I've always hated legs.
They're just so redundant.

- Let's do one at the same time.
- Okay.

If you could go back
to any historical time period,

when would you go?

- Dinosaurs.
- Dinosaurs.

If you could invite anyone
to a dinner party,

who would it be?

- Dinosaurs.
- Dinosaurs.

Back-to-back matches!

Let's eat to that.

Oh.

You wanted to do the romantic
feed-each-other thing.

I'll get you on the next one.

You know, this is the most fun
I've had on a date

- in a long time.
- Yeah. Me too.

Actually, I've never had a date
in a... a, uh...

W... What do you call this?

- A cafeteria?
- Oh.

Sounds like a disease that cafes get.

Your world is so fascinating.

So is yours.

You know, ever since the pizza shirt,

I came up with lasagna sweater
and spaghetti socks.

I'm telling you,
this messy-eater market is huge.

You know, I have to admit,
ever since I made the world

forget everything we know about pants,

I've been cursed
with terrible designer's block.

It's like having to lift
a thousand-pound weight

with my mind
and my mind doesn't have hands.

Oh, no. They're back.

I got you.

Hey, hey, hey. Chalamet went that away.

- You saved me.
- Oh.

How can I... ever repay you?

I think this is the part where we...

Mm!

Ooh.

Ahh.

Sigh.

Did you just say "sigh"?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God! You had sex.

- [LAUGHS]
- I did!

I did. It really was like a fairy tale.

It was magical.
He made my dry spell disappear.

Knock, knock. I brought you flowers.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] Is that right?

I've never dated a girl like you.

I just assumed you didn't want
a pack of cigarettes.

- Martini, last night was...
- Incredible.

You gave me the mind hands to lift

the thousand-pound weight
of my designer's block.

You cracked your
designer's block because of me?

Does that make me a muse?

So, what did I inspire?

A total re imagination... of your robe.

You're better than this plain
black frock, Abby!

Would you do me the honor
of being the future of fashion?

I'd love to.

I do have some modeling experience.

You know those "before" pictures
at the orthodontist?

Those don't just happen.

Thank you, my muse.

Doesn't this seem a little weird to you?

The day after a fling usually
involves breakfast in bed

and finding your bra.

But this guy wants to make
new clothes for you

so you can save his career.

I'm an inspiration, and it's romantic!

He's my Prince Charming, and
he's building me a ball gown...

for work.

Call me old-fashioned,

but I think that's the job
for the birds and the rats.

Wyatt, you got something
from Amazon Prime.

Ooh. That was quick.
Check it out, Gurgs.

The solution to all my problems.

They listen to people in headsets.

Jean-Paul needs you on 12.

Have either of you seen Olivia?

This dry cleaning represents
the last favor

I ever have to do for anyone,
thanks to these babies!

I haven't seen Olivia,

but I am seeing a lot of people
dressed like her.

Maybe she's a trendsetter.

Or... I accidentally donated
her dry cleaning to charity

and I'm holding what I assume
is the clothes of a dead lady.

[LAUGHS] You're gonna meet that lady

when Olivia finds out
you lost her clothes,

'cause she's gonna m*rder you.

And it looks like she's been practicing.

Hey, Olivia.

Y... You got some coat on your blood.

An animal-rights activist
threw paint on me.

- Tell me those are my clothes.
- Oh, yes.

Y... And you owe me $87.50.

Judge, court's about to start.
Why aren't you dressed?

I was about to put on Martini's design,

which is fabulous... I think.
I don't know.

Maybe you could tell me why it's good.

Mm. I get it.

It's hard for normies
to appreciate high couture.

That man does not like you.

It's bad, right? Why would he do this?

- Maybe he's not a prince.
- [ZIPPER CLOSING]

Is he still a frog?

But I kissed him. I really kissed him.

This isn't a fairy tale anymore.

If it is, it's one
of those weird German ones

where you're gonna be baked into a pie

and I'm gonna have to eat you

'cause the troll turned me into a goat.

Good news.
Erika Ellis is in the courtroom.

W... Why aren't you dressed?

Marty, there's something
I need to tell you.

I need to tell you something first.

Tonight you're not just rescuing
my career.

You're... You're rescuing my soul.

Come on, people. It's showtime.

I need you in your looks,
serving face and wor-king it!

God, I love this headset.

Uh, hold off on court.
The judge isn't even dressed.

Is that connected to anything?

Jean-Paul needs me on 12.

Tell me it's gonna look better on.

- It's gonna look better on.
- Okay.

It does not look better on.

Oh, G... Is this what you're wearing?

I told you to dress down so we
could garner some sympathy.

Well, these shoes do not
exactly match this jacket.

There's nothing more tragic!

What is he doing here?
Give me something to throw!

Stop. Stop. Just... Just...
Come here. Sit down. Sit down.

Do not let that bird get into your head!

Go. Go. Now, look.

We have got this in the bag.

And I know that the prosecution
has been afraid of you

ever since... I...

I'd guess the '80s.

What did you do?

Why is there a courthouse full
of ex-cons wearing my clothes

and I look like Huey Lewis'
business manager?

So, I'll admit that this is
partially my fault.

I realize now that there is
a downside to absolute power.

You want your $87.50 back?

What I want is to rip out
these shoulder pads

and b*at you with them!

You know what? You didn't
have to wear the shoulder pads.

They make the outfit.

You will make this up to me.

All rise. The Honorable
Abby Stone presiding...

in an original piece

from the Martini Toddwallis
spring 2024 collection,

Anything Can Be a Robe.

Own it. Own it.

I'm owning it.

I'm owning it.

You'll note the feather accents
from the finest Italian pigeons,

drawing inspiration
from the Grim Reaper's cloak,

hearse drapes, and, of course,
Hefty Cinch Saks.

And I'm the one on trial?

The People vs. Erika Ellis.

Counselor, what are you wearing?

You really want to play that game?

Fair enough.

The victim has yet
to emotionally recover,

but has bravely agreed to appear today.

The victim?
That thing should be on trial...

and then grilled and put on a salad!

- [PEACOCK CALLS SOFTLY]
- Calm down.

Listen. No one talks to me like that.

You were a nobody when I met you.

And that goes double
for the big, dumb bird!

- [PEACOCK SQUAWKS]
- Enough of this.

Order. Order! Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

- [GAVEL CLATTERING]
- Lost it in the folds.

- [PEACOCK CAWS]
- I think you're molting

and he sees you as a thr*at.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Why is it looking at me like that?

[PEACOCK SQUAWKS] [MUSIC BUILDS]

Oh! No! No!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Save the robe!

All right. Guess I'm tasing a peacock.

- I'd have to imagine this helps my case.
- [PEACOCK SQUAWKS]

I'm sorry, Judge.

I feel a little responsible
for all this.

Oh, that's all right, Gurgs.

It's not every day you tase a peacock.

You were bound to hit me
a couple t... t... times.

I meant encouraging you to date Martini.

Oh, no. That was exciting.

I think it's pretty clear
we're not the perfect fit.

I feel exactly the same way.

Sorry. I was hiding again.

The paparazzi are
really out of control now

because everybody loved my look.

I loved it first.

Abby, we're from two different worlds.

But I'll never forget
the lesson you taught me.

You shouldn't dress a person like a bird

when there's a bird in the room.

We weren't meant to last.

I guess that's why Disney movies
are only 87 minutes long

and mostly singing.

Till we meet again.

Guess I'm back on the apps.

After all this, maybe I'll
appreciate a lunch date

asking me to "take the
Caesar salad to the next level!"

Suit yourself.

I was gonna introduce you
to some hot dummies

at the Vogue party.

Like we could get into the Vogue party.

Can I be your plus-one?

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Our car is downstairs.

I just need to stop at the Apple Store.

My shih tzu needs a new phone.

We're celebrating my acquittal.

You didn't k*ll that peacock, did you?

Well, I didn't do anything.

Can I come with you to the Vogue party?

I know how to vogue,
so I'm all set with icebreakers.

Away.

Hey, I'm going to that party.
I'm a muse!

Oh, good.
Some of my suits are still here.

Look at her up there,
styled with a paisley scarf.

Don't worry.
We're gonna get you out of here.

So my very last act
in helping another human being

is gonna be stealing from a charity.

Is it morally wrong? Yes.

Are we still gonna do it? Yes.

Don't you worry. I got this covered.

Hi... Tiff.

I'd like you to meet Olivia Moore,

the woman who has made
all of these dreams come true

with her incredibly generous donations.

We were wondering
who our mystery hero was.

Everyone, come meet our angel!

- Oh!
- You just made this impossible.

There's no way I can ask
for my stuff back.

Congratulations.
You've just become a diversion.

Ms. Moore, do you have
any wisdom to impart

as these women start their next chapter?

Well, what can I say
other than you're welcome

for giving you that purple
blazer with the gold buttons?

Now, I know that this city
can make you red with anger.

Mm. Now that you're free, well,
what you really deserve is...

salmon... not gross pink...

light-orangish-pink, uh,
perfectly cooked,

d... double-breasted salmon.

Secret subway's leaving!

Before I go, I'd be happy
to donate this suit.

I think these women
have been through enough.

Right.