02x04 - Beer Necessities

[bunniefuu]

Let's find out, and head over

to Carl with the weather. Carl?

Oh, so, Suzanne,

what do I owe you for my Avon order, hm?

$28, my love.

$28!

For makeup? What's the point?

I already know what ya

look like without it!

Uh, I think he means you're

naturally pretty, Mom.

You don't need makeup.

Well, certainly not $28 worth.

I mean, you're not joining the circus.

Maybe he's right, girl. Money is tight.

I'll just take the lipstick.

Fox's mother sold Avon products

like a New York City drug pusher.

Shut up, Mike.

You should sell your own Avon, Mary.

Make your own bit of money.

You'd make a great salesman, Mom.

Will ye crowd be quiet? I'm

trying to watch the news!

You know what, Suzanne?

I will take that makeup.

And the job!

All right, girl!

But don't go taking any of my

customers, 'cause if you do,

you're gonna need to cover

up your bruises with

Fresh look foundation.

That's a sample.

It's on page 12.

Oh, I won't have any

trouble getting my own.

You just try and keep up.

Oh!

Come on, girl, I gotta get

you your own catalogues!

For more, let's go to Glenn

Excuse me, Ducky, thank you.

Good God, it's a mob scene!

Volume!

Beer strike!

Canadian brewery workers

walked off the job today

to protest the switch to aluminium cans.

Leaving the entire province dry.

Glass is class!

Ban the can!

As the last few cases

of Canadian beer disappeared,

the boozers were left

with only one option:

American beer.

Look at them, fighting

over the last few cases

like it's the only lifejacket

left on the Titanic.

I've gotta get down there.

You don't drink beer, Dad.

Not to buy it, to cover it!

This is the biggest

beer-related news story since

that woman downtown found

that baby rat in her stubby.

- I saw it first!

- Yes, now,

and it'll be the last thing ya sees!

What is so bad about American beer?

Oh, it sucks.

There's no booze in it,

you can hardly get a buzz.

Gotta have like three or

four before you can even

I mean, so I'm told.

I wouldn't know, of course.

Oh, that Yankee swill,

it tastes the same going

in as it does coming out.

You know the expression

"goin' on the piss"?

Well, American beer

That's the piss.

Hello, Donny, it's me.

Uh, listen, um

Are you still working

on that beer truck?

I may have a little proposition for you.

Strike be damned.

Pop wasn't gonna let go

of the "beer" necessities.

Thank you.

What the hell?

Share the wealth, nerd.

I'm starved to death.

Mom's at an Avon convention and

Dad got on a bender last night.

No lunch.

Well, I got corned beef and

a tin of Vienna sausages

Whoa

Fancy.

Oh, how kind of you.

Hey, lunch!

Let's go.

Where are they going?

We're going to get fried chicken.

Off school grounds?

The Fox brothers were

old enough to teach,

so they could leave the school at lunch.

But the rest of us were

doomed to brown-bag it.

How I longed for a

stomach full of the regret

that grease brought.

Oh, look at the sooky babies

wit' their lunch-tins!

Mommy coming to put

ya on the teat, is she?

We could go if we wanted to.

What's that, little baby?

All I hears is "suck, suck, suck."

We didn't ask permission.

Aw, that's cute.

Come on, Ritchie, m'boy.

We're dining out today.

But I don't have any money!

I've still got some

cash from mowing lawns.

My treat.

You hear that?

His treat.

We'll walk you there.

Just leave him alone.

You can't mooch off him

just 'cause he's small.

Small?

What are you, his mommy?

- Mommy?

- He'll get in trouble.

He's not big enough to

eat off school grounds.

Not big enough?

The woman I loved thought I was a baby.

I had to prove my manhood.

It's fine.

I said it was my treat, and I meant it.

I did not mean it.

Gentlemen? Shall we take our luncheon?

- Thank you.

- After you.

- This way.

- Idiot!

Better keep an eye on him.

C'mon. Let's go.

Hurry.

Come on, let's go!

Ugh, d*ck Dunphy with your

VOCM on-the-spot traffic.

I'm in a bumper-to-bumper

jam 'cause of a three-car

smash-up on the arterial.

Avoid the area.

Drive safely, arrive alive.

VOCM cares.

d*ck, I need a run to the liquor store!

Jeez, Mike, I can't even look

at a beer after the night I had.

I was the emcee for strip

bingo down to the strand lounge.

Let's go!

They're about to sell the

last beer in Newfoundland!

I'm pretty sure I already drank it.

Come on, will ya?

You sure, Gertie?

Not even a skin so soft?

It's almost mosquito season

I understand.

All my best to Frank.

Ya stuck-up old bat!

Any bites?

No.

I've been on the phone all day

and I haven't sold a bloody thing!

You know, it's a lot

harder to say no to someone

if they're standing on the doorstep

with their foot in the door-jamb.

I guess that's true.

Yeah, come on.

Let's get this stuff sold.

What are you rushing me for?

I'm not rushing you.

No, no, come on, come on.

You've gotta sell. Come on.

I need my catalogues.

Good, good.

All right!

Close the door!

Donny, you packed?

Good.

Oh, we have an empty nest here.

I repeat empty nest.

Jesus!

Gimme your press pass

so I can buy some beer.

They're almost out.

Are you mad? You can't

cross a picket line.

Besides, I'm live in 4, 3

VOCM On-the-Spot News

at the liquor store,

where the scene is

Sobering.

It's a "bottle-neck" as

thirst-crazed customers

are desperate to lay their shaking hands

on the last bottle of Canadian beer.

Mike Critch, for the VOCM News service.

Come on!

Out of me' way!

Mike, Mike! Hang on, Mike!

I just gotta grab a case of Blue Star!

Press!

Press !

Press!

Arsehole.

There was no denying it.

I was one of the big kids.

Money can't buy happiness,

but it can buy chicken.

I'm gut-founded!

Thanks for the snack packs, Mark.

Mark?

You guys have called me

"arse," "tool," "d*ck,"

and "arse-dicked tool,"

but you've never called

me by my real name before.

Hey, d*ck.

We gotta go back!

It's quarter to one.

Is that chicken?

What are you doing here?

Those tools are just using you.

What, and you're not?

I can tell you only went

'cause you were scared.

Textbook peer pressure.

Look, I'm big enough to eat here,

and I don't need you

two mooching off me!

Fine. Be an arse!

I don't care.

Come on.

We're gonna miss the bell!

We're on the pip for

the rest of the day.

Wanna come with, Mark?

You're cutting class?

Come on!

Got somethin' you're gonna wanna see.

It was time to prove that just because

I ate chicken didn't mean I was one.

Forget it. You're still a baby.

I told you, he's too young!

People will know he's on the pip.

It's fine. Lead the way.

I felt like Little Red Riding Hood

Except I was a little brown-haired boy,

my wolf was a Fox, and

everyone had already eaten

the contents of my basket.

The big kids' hang-out in the woods.

A dark place between

childhood and adulthood

Where boys became men.

Wait

This is it!

Party time!

- Is is that

- It's Dad's.

He hates American

beer. He won't miss it.

He's always drunk, anyway.

He'll just think he drank it.

Shut up!

So

Baby want his bottle ?

Can?

There was peer pressure,

and then there was beer pressure.

Dad

What are you doing up?

I mean, home.

Shouldn't you be at school?

The boys pipped off so

I thought I would, but

I'll just go. It's fine.

No, wait.

Day off won't k*ll ya.

Missing school never hurt me.

Ooh

Ah, this American stuff

tastes like fish piss!

Can barely drink it.

Then don't.

What?

- Nothin'.

- No.

Don't be chicken. What?

If you don't like it,

then why do you drink it?

Jesus, I'm not an alkie, b'y!

It's just a few beer.

I-I know, I know. Just forget it.

It's fine.

Shag it.

Can't even get a buzz off it at all.

You eat?

No.

Help me get these empties together,

we get some money to get some

chicken and chips or something.

What do you say?

Uh, okay. Yeah.

That's better, huh?

Yeah.

Mr. Perez!

Where is everyone?

We

We

What's the matter, Ritchie?

Chicken?

Tina.

Well, Ritchie?

Away with you! Get off of me!

Get off of me now!

Good God, d*ck! You

almost got me k*lled!

I'm sorry, Mike, but I can't go drinking

the American stuff, b'y!

I'll drink anything;

I mean, I'll even drink

the bits left at parties

with butts in 'em,

but I wouldn't use

that to flush a toilet.

d*ck, this is American beer.

It's all they had left.

But I needs a straightener

if I'm gonna drive.

Drive, drive!

Wha ! What are you doing?

You should be out there

pounding the pavement.

I tried Putt's Farm,

Kirkland's Garage, nothing!

I got all the way down to the Flemings,

but they already bought

theirs off Suzanne.

She's got the whole road limbed out!

Well, get back out there!

No!

I'm, uh, here for the, um, package.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

- There you go. Whoa

- What're you up to?

Beer?

Good, thank you.

Look, I know a guy who

works on a beer truck.

A few cases got redirected

- Stolen!

- Diverted.

And I'm just out there to help

him get it out into the world.

Catch and release.

You bloody bootlegger! This is illegal.

Plus, those hard-working

boys down at the brewery

are trying to save

their jobs, ya frigger!

Look, calm down, will you?

It's not gonna happen again.

Ah.

Loyola.

You change your mind

about that citrus soap?

Uh, no, Mary. I'm here for Pat.

Pat, do you have that package?

I do indeed.

He can't sell you any beer.

But

He can give it to you for free

With the purchase of

select Avon products.

Ignore her.

Four dollars.

Hey, either we do this together

or I drop you outside that beer factory

with a sign around your

neck saying "bootlegger."

Pay the woman.

Here.

Hm!

You gonna drink it or what?

No, thank you.

I'm more of a Canadian beer guy.

Ha! Sook!

Sook!

I knew the dangers of drinking

Oh, are you okay?

Oh I'm dying. Bucket!

From watching my brother.

Just like I told my sister

You're a baby!

He had a point.

There was no way Fox

could say I was a baby

if I was a drinking man.

I mean, how bad could it be?

Gentlemen, to your health!

Yuck, that stuff sucks!

I mean, that American stuff sucks.

No booze in it!

Nuh-uh.

You don't leave here without drinking.

I don't want you to narc us out.

Ha-ha, very funny.

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug

What was that?

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

I can hear you!

- It's Sister Rose!

- I can't see you, but God can!

He sees you when you're sleeping!

He knows when you're awake!

I followed a trail of

denuded chicken bones.

Come on, my little Hansel and Gretel!

- Don't move.

- You can't hide forever!

If I find you deserters,

I'm gonna smack the

arse right off of ya!

I was terrified.

It was a good thing I wasn't sober.

Come out and talk to me!

Never having experienced booze,

I took my anxiety for being drunk.

Fee-fi-fo-fum!

I smell the beer of someone dumb!

They say humans have

two modes in crisis:

Fight or flight.

I had a third:

Freeze.

The Fox brothers ran smack into the nun,

just like moths to the flame.

I thought I was old enough to

eat lunch off school grounds,

but not even Pop was

old enough for this!

So, you wanna watch some

wrestling with the old man?

Ric Flair is about to

take on Angelo Mosca!

Yeah, sure.

I guess.

Dad?

Yeah, kitten?

It's nice when you don't drink.

Jeez, b'y.

So you really do think I'm an alkie.

No, no.

I-I never meant it like that.

I just meant

I want to spend more time here.

It's your house too.

Now, luh. Ric Flair.

The stylin', profilin',

limousine ridin'

Jet flying, kiss-stealing,

wheelin' and dealin'

son of a g*n!

Woo!

Here, give me a fry. Give me a fry!

It's my fries! Stop it!

No!

All right, that's two Blue

Star and a skin so soft.

That comes to

- Fourteen dollars.

- Fourteen dollars.

But, if you take a bar of

moonwind soap on a rope,

we'll throw in two bottles

of Blackhorse and call it 20.

All right, thank you.

- There you are.

- All right.

- How're we doing?

- Fifty-seven dollars.

- Pat? You home?

- What? Officer Butt!

Quick, hide the stuff.

Quick, throw that over.

Oh!

Officer Butt, what brings you here?

I heard that there might

be some beer for sale here.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

All right, look, we haven't

got time for this, piggie.

Either arrest me or get lost.

Your cop car out there, it's

scaring off our customers!

Avon customers.

I've been selling Avon products.

No law against that.

Oh, well, that's too bad.

I was looking for a few

beer to take up to my cabin.

Can't drink that American piss.

Oh!

Well, in that case, you

came to the right place.

Four Jockey Club.

And a bottle of Sweet

Honesty Cologne for 30 bucks.

I was as sober as a judge,

but convinced that I was drunk.

I was terrified that

the nun would call Dad

and I'd be sent to juvie like

Mickey Rooney in Boystown!

What the hell are you doing?

Taking a walk.

Hm.

In the hallway?

Sure.

Sure. Okay.

So, walk.

Ah Yeah.

Hm. School called.

- Well

- Said you pipped off.

Uh, I can explain. I was just

I told them you came home sick.

So ?

What

is that pee?

No, it's beer.

No, it's pee.

But it's not mine! It's somebody else's!

Oh, you smell like

the floor of a legion!

How many did you have?

One.

Okay.

Act normal.

You're fine.

Oh, dear God.

I tallied up our take.

I sold all my product in one day.

Ha! A regular Estee Lauder.

I had a pretty interesting day myself.

Thought I wouldn't make

it out of there alive.

Like covering 'Nam.

"The battery of bottle-breaking bottlers

left this broadcaster black and blue."

They're gonna be out for

a hell of a long time,

take my word on it.

Father, Mother, Pop.

How is everyone?

I took my brother's advice.

The least suspicious thing

to do was to act normally,

which, when you try to do

it, always seems suspicious.

Is that coffee?

You drink tea.

I felt like a cuppa' joe.

What's that smell?

It's

Uh

Uh The

Oh, it's Mark.

The little weirdo got into your Avon.

Come on.

What, uh

Up, up, up, up.

Now, go wash up, 'cause

you friggin' reek.

Uh, apologies.

Breaking news.

Workers and the union

resolved the beer strike today

after a 22-hour bargaining session.

The hangover is over.

I knew it wouldn't last.

No more American beer.

You must be happy, Pop.

Good.

That American beer is awful.

Hm?

So I hear.

Goodnight.

The strike resolution

means that Newfoundlanders

can once again buy Canadian beer.

Sales of beer had dropped

50% in the capital city,

with some stores

Okay, I gotta pop out for a minute.

- Dad?

- I'll be right back.

Fox had been the only person in town

happy for the beer strike.

Her father was the rare

man who promised more sober

than he did drunk.

Fox knew the reality of beer.

I had been seduced by the mystery of it.

But, like Fox, I, too,

had become a teetotaller.

Are you alive?

The room's spinning.

Here.

Come on, take it.

Ugh, I don't want beer!

It's not beer, it's flat ginger ale.

Pretty much the same stuff you

were drinking earlier, though.

I remember my first beer.

How old were you?

Sixteen.

Wait, I had my first

beer before you did?

Ha-ha, shut up!

And hey, saying yes to

things doesn't make you tough.

Saying no does.

Don't let people push you into things.

My brother was right.

Why worry about peer pressure

when I barely had any peers?

I would be on my own personal

beer strike for a long time.