02x12 - Details are Scanty

[bunniefuu]

[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

All right, come on. Flip it over.

My show isn't over yet!

[SIGHS]

- [MUSIC SWELLS AND FADES]

- There.

- Your turn.

- Oh, finally!

Whoa, it's my turn! I

want to watch the weather!

Then look out the window, Pop!

The long-range weather

forecast, clever clogs!

Like you need it!

You're 80!

ADULT MARK: In our house,

you had to book your TV slot

weeks in advance.

Casablanca's playing

on the Great Money Movie

in two weeks' time.

6 pm sharp.

No talking, no telephone calls.

Let's all do our part

to make this happen, hey?

TV: And now for our

long-range forecast.

Tuesday, fog.

Wednesday, fog.

Thursday, foggy.

Friday, foggy with a chance of rain.

MARK: This is not entertaining.

Breaking news!

VOCM's own Mike Critch has

won the Edward R. Murrow Award

for Ethics in Broadcasting!

Way to go, Dad!

MARY: Mike, I'm so proud!

It's no big deal.

Any cash with it?

No, but they're having

a fancy award night

with a steak dinner and everything!

A night out! What'll I wear?

Oh, that's wonderful!

Your award, I mean.

Oh, gosh! Oh, Mike!

ADULT MARK: I never

missed an award show.

The Oscars, the Tonys, the Marks

Wow, best person!

Thank you.

[APPLAUSE]

MARK: [ON TV] I am humbled.

First off, this doesn't mean I'm

better than anyone here tonight.

It just says it, right

here, on the award.

[APPLAUSE]

I want to thank all the little people,

the Kindergartners.

But mostly, Fox.

[AUDIENCE CHANTING "MARK, MARK!"]

Thank you.

POP: Mark, you're right

in front of the television!

MARK: Uh

What's wrong with you ?

Sorry.

Well, Great Money Movie's comin' on.

Pipe down!

Mary, hold my calls, would ya?

[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

♪

ADULT MARK: I got the

bus just when my father

- was coming on the radio.

- Hey!

d*ck: [ON RADIO] And now, the

VOCM News with Mike Critch.

Aww Is that the baby's daddy?

MIDDLE FOX: VOCM,

voice of the child's

Man!

What?

MIKE SR: [ON RADIO] This just in,

crime spree at Coleman's!

Late last night, early this morning,

police were called to

Coleman's Supermarket.

A male suspect allegedly

absconded with steaks

and cheddar, hiding them

down the front of his pants.

The police gave chase,

apprehending the man

as he urinated against a fence,

exposing his meats and cheeses.

The suspect is scheduled for a

bail hearing in provincial court

when we will learn the

name of the "Beef Bandit."

Mike Critch for the

award-winning VOCM news.

Mm, stunning!

Yes!

How it's done! [CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHTER ON BUS]

ADULT MARK: The kids

loved to make fun of Dad.

The only way to b*at

'em was to join 'em.

Ohhh!

Oh, don't catch me!

Oh, don't look at my

meats and cheeses, ohhh!

- Ohhh!

- Sit down, dumbass!

Whoa! I was just making fun of my dad!

You mean my dad.

- Your dad?

- Shut up!

When everyone finds

out, my life is over.

He put meat down his pants.

It's not that bad.

Okay, it's bad.

But no one's gonna know it's him.

When he has his court date,

your dad is gonna broadcast his name

and the whole bus will know.

I'll ask him not to.

He won't rat out your dad.

Trust me.

He's an award-winning man of ethics.

I promise.

♪

MIKE SR: [INDISTINCT]

Are you sure? When's the announcement?

Any word from the chief?

MIKE JR: d*ck, would you

I dunno, eat meat that had

been down a man's pants?

- Depends on the type.

- Mm.

- Ground?

- Frig no.

Striploin?

Friggin' right. That's an expensive cut.

What if it had been down

the back of his pants?

I stand by my answer.

MIKE SR: [BACKGROUND] Bye, now.

MIKE JR: Good man.

More breaking news, boys!

Police in Newfoundland are

finally going to be issued g*ns!

Because of buddy with

the cheese in his pants?

Hey, this is two big scoops in a day!

Good work, Dad!

Enough.

REPORTER: [ON TV] Don't

more g*ns mean more danger?

OFFICER BUTT: [ON TV] Not at all.

The g*ns will be kept

under lock and key.

Geez, I I had the

keys here a minute ago.

Oh, he wouldn't know

his arse from his elbow!

- REPORTER: For CJQN News, I'm

- [CHANNEL SWITCHES]

- What's this, then?

- Hm?

- This?

- Oh, um

Yeah, did didn't I mention it?

Yeah, I got cable.

We can't afford cable!

Oh, relax.

I'm paying for it.

- Oh, pssht.

- Oh, just pipe down.

Now, this film has partial nudity,

and I want to see which part.

You know, if you're throwin'

money around, we have bills.

TV: Up next on MovieMax, Sylvester

Stallone as Rambo in "First Blood."

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

NARRATION: Sylvester Stallone.

This time, he's fighting for his life.

First Blood.

♪

Well, I suppose we don't

need to get rid of the cable

right this second, now, do we?

I need to use the washroom.

Teachers pee? Gross.

MS. FOWLER: Continue with

your math assignments.

Mark, if anyone makes any noise,

write their name on the board.

[SIGHS]

ADULT MARK: Of course she chose

the son of the most ethical man in town!

Hey! Cut it out!

I'll allow it.

Critches ain't snitches.

Hey!

The Cheese Bandit strikes again!

[LAUGHTER]

Quit it, Ritche.

The whole world's

wondering, where's the beef?

It's down my pants!

[LAUGHTER]

ADULT MARK: My father had

won an award for his ethics,

but now I faced an ethical dilemma.

Did I protect Fox, or

rat out my best friend?

I'm being serious.

Settle down or I'll

you'll what?

Critches aren't snitches, right?

[SCRAWLS ON BLACKBOARD]

You wouldn't dare.

It doesn't have to be this way.

Just stop talking!

Sit down, loser!

Hey, she just talked!

Write her name down!

What the heck?

Don't make me do this.

Come on, you love jokes! Hey!

Is that a ribeye in your pocket,

or are you just happy to see me?

- Shut up!

- Fox talked!

I bet it's 'cause she's a girl.

MARK: Oh! Okay.

Not fair!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

MARION: Stop writing our names!

ADULT MARK: It was like a fever dream.

RITCHIE: What are you doing, man?

ADULT MARK: Something came over me,

and before I knew what I was doing

Well, that's a first.

Mark the narc, is it?

Uh, uh

ADULT MARK: Busted for busting.

Hey, Mike.

What do you think of this ad copy?

[RADIO VOICE] "This is d*ck Dunphy!

I'll be broadcasting live this afternoon

from Coleman's Supermarket

where the deals are

practically criminal.

I'll be giving out as many packs of

Kraft singles and hot dogs

as you can fit in your pants.

Make off like a bandit at Coleman's."

MIKE JR: Oh!

This is why you're the master.

Hm!

Hey, Dad, you should do an

update on the Beef Bandit.

I mean, it's the hottest

story in town right now.

Nothing new to report

until we get a name.

[PHONE RINGS]

VOCM newsroom. Mike Critch speaking.

Mike, it's me.

Oh, hello, Officer Butt.

Wondering if you heard

anything about a lost g*n?

[QUIETLY] You lost your g*n?

No, no!

Why, did anyone say they found one?

You know I have a duty to report this.

Not if you want any more hot tips,

like the one I gave you about

the steak and cheese bandit.

I'd lose me job, Mike.

[SIGHS]

Was that a tip?

You get a name?

No.

Ah, it was nothin'.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

d*ck: [INDISTINCT]

MIKE JR: Twenty

[expl*si*n AND DOGS BARKING ON TV]

[ZAPPING SOUNDS]

POP: Hm

Ooh! This thing's some hot!

We should call Cable Atlantic.

- [g*nshots ON TV]

- No!

No, no. We won't be doing that.

You see, the cable company doesn't

technically know we've got cable.

No, it's a descrambler.

You bloody shagger! This is illegal!

Mike is liable to just turn himself in!

Fine.

Say goodbye to Rambo II, then.

No

[IN A WHISPER] Let's keep

it between ourselves for now.

- [SWITCHES CHANNEL]

- MARY: The beaver!

Oh, how interesting.

Dad, can I talk to you

about the Beef Bandit?

I don't know who he is.

You gotta wait till

tomorrow like everyone else.

I already know who it is, Dad.

The Beef Bandit is Fox's dad.

Fox's father is the thief?

ADULT MARK: Mark the narc strikes again!

You can't say anything!

It'll ruin Fox's life!

And she will end mine!

It's gonna come out

whether I report it or not.

But you're the one who the

kids listen to on the bus.

I promised her you wouldn't.

Please!

For me.

Look, it's not personal.

Not personal? I'm your son!

If I make an exception for family,

then I'm no better than he is!

Right, Mary?

Couldn't agree more!

Spot on, son!

We gotta get rid of that descrambler.

POP: Just as soon as Rambo

comes out of the jungle.

Yes!

POP: Mm.

Oh. Hello, Fox.

I didn't realize the time.

We were just finishing up some homework.

Sorry, I didn't know

you were about to eat.

ADULT MARK: But I did.

Dad could say no to me, but

could he say no to the face

of the poor girl he was about

to send to the orphanage

or, at least, her mom's house?

Go on. You sit down, hm?

Uh, uh yeah, no, uh, that's my seat.

But the seat next to Dad's open, though.

MARY: There you go, dear.

Ah.

There's nothing like a

meal with your family.

Uh, I hear you're

getting some big award?

Oh, it's nothing.

MARY: Did you know he broke

the Beef Bandit story, too, huh?

POP: It's quite a story!

Apparently this fella sticks

the goods down his trousers.

And then

Then he's gotta pee!

Ha, imagine the pressure!

[LAUGHS]

ADULT MARK: Imagine? I was living it!

MARY: People putting

pork down their pants

Perverts!

MARK: But doesn't the Bible say

you can steal to feed your family?

Adverbs 6:30?

How about "thou shalt not steal"?

You familiar with that one?

No offence, Fox.

Oh my God, Mark!

Wha

whoa, she's making a getaway!

Check her pants for cheddar

on the way out! [LAUGHS]

Pop! Fox

Please.

I was just trying to help!

I knew I shouldn't have trusted you!

He's gonna tell everyone!

He says he has no choice.

I expect my dad to let me down.

But you ?

You're just like everyone else.

No! No, wait

[DOOR CLOSES]

[POLICE SIREN]

What the frig you want?

This may seem strange, but

I want to know why you did it.

What difference does it make?

Was it to eat?

Look, I'm not an animal.

I don't eat nudding

that touches my privates.

I shoplifts meats and cheese

and sells 'em to the pizza joint.

But

Why?

You ever worry about how you're

gonna feed your kids, Mike?

Yeah, some newsman you are.

You don't know nudding

about the real world.

Anything you want to say?

Nothing that's fit to put on the radio.

Look, I'm not a bad guy, Mike. I just

Never had a chance.

You let me know if you

need any meats and cheeses

when I get outta here.

I knows a guy!

[CHUCKLES]

[DOOR BUZZER]

MARY: I saw your advertisement

on the television,

and I would like to enter your contest.

Oh, yes, I am a cable subscriber!

POP: Wha

that's right, 303 Kenmount Road.

POP: Shh! It's a trap!

It's a trap!

For frig sake! I'm

trying to win us a new TV!

The cable company said they're

giving one away to anyone

who has the Movie Channel!

It's a trap to catch

people with descramblers!

You have got us headed to the big house!

Think they've got cable?

MARY: Oh!

♪

[SIGHS]

You're here late.

Oh Yeah, I'm just, uh,

working on my speech

for the awards banquet.

I'm having a bit of trouble with it.

What?

The award's for ethics, isn't it?

That's your whole shtick!

I mean, come on, just say what

you always told us growing up.

"There's the right

way and the wrong way."

"It's either a truth or a lie."

"It's good guys versus bad guys!"

You know, all that crap.

Hey, come on.

You got this.

[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC]

♪

ADULT MARK: Dad won a major prize,

but to him, the greatest prize

of all was the free meal.

Uh, just to be sure, there's no

charge for this at all, right?

Yes, sir, no charge.

Although tips are appreciated.

No, thank you.

ADULT MARK: But food

reminded me of someone.

Something wrong with your steak?

What if it's stolen?

I wouldn't want to be an

accomplice to a meat crime.

- You name names.

- Enough!

This is a special night.

- You gonna finish that?

- What?

POP: No, I think the

boy's got a good point.

I mean, how do I know

this steak hasn't been

down somebody's trousers?

WAITER: Freshly grated parmesan?

Yes, please.

Hm?

POP: Oh lord, the pigs!

We walked straight into the lion's den!

Why did you let me make that call?

Did you hear that the Kirklands,

they got nabbed for that ad?

- So

- Are you gonna eat that?

- He took my steak!

- What?

MIKE JR: The steak.

You gonna finish the

POP: Oh, no, no. I've lost my appetite.

[SIGHS]

ADULT MARK: No matter how

embarrassed Fox was of her dad,

I still couldn't help

being proud of mine.

[UPBEAT JAZZ CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND]

Still mad at me?

No. I understand.

It's not personal.

I mean, you wouldn't be

winning an award for ethics

if you took a dive for your

own son, now, would you?

OFFICER BUTT: Attention, folks!

And the Edward R. Murrow Award

for Ethics in Broadcasting

goes to a man whom

we in the force trust.

Ladies and gentleman,

VOCM's Mike Critch!

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you.

MIKE SR: Uh, thank you.

I'm particularly honoured to

accept this award for ethics,

because, as I always tell my boys,

doing the right thing

[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC]

isn't always easy.

Life isn't black and white.

It's mostly grey.

And the greyer I get,

the more I can see that.

There's no good guys and bad guys.

Just people trying their best to get by.

Sometimes when you set out

to do the "right" thing,

you end up doing more harm than good.

So, try and err on the side of kindness.

That's something I learned from my son.

And that's who I'd like to

thank most tonight, is my family.

Thank you for showing me

that it's never too late

to do the right thing.

Well, Jesus, he knows.

- What?

- Yeah.

Thank you, and goodnight.

[APPLAUSE]

All right, let's have this out.

It's gone.

Nobody need know.

How did you find out?

Everybody knows about them.

About the g*ns?

g*ns?

I'm talking about my descrambler.

g*ns, well, what are you talking about?

Let's pretend this

conversation never happened.

Oh

Uh, what conversation?

Don't touch my dessert.

MARY: [GASPS] Oh

Mm!

ADULT MARK: Sometimes

you just have to depend

on your heart to tell

you what's right.

Bologna on white with Mayo?

Feeling exotic?

Give that to me, narc.

ADULT MARK: We all

know we should strive

to do the right thing

Admit when you're wrong

Oh geez, not again!

[STATIC ON TV]

ADULT MARK: Don't steal

And always tell the truth.

[SOUND OF TV SHOW]

Thank you.

ADULT MARK: But life

isn't black and white.

Sometimes, in those

shades of grey,

we end up doing the wrong

thing for the right reasons.

For family

Breaking news!

A member of the constabulary has

reported his newly acquired g*n

has gone missing.

MIKE SR: [RADIO] Sources say

this is not the first time

the officer's w*apon has been misplaced.

Also, the Beef Bandit

has been arraigned.

And now, the weather.

Looks like a good day out there!

Sunny with a high of 5 degrees.

Stop, or I'll say "stop" again!

My finger is loaded!

You're a total dork,

you know that, right?

Mm-hm.

ADULT MARK: And the

best reason of all

For love.

It's a beaut, Dad.

You deserve it.

POP: Jesus Murphy, pipe down!

MARY: We can hardly hear the TV!

OFFICER BUTT: [TV] Crime

stoppers is seeking assistance

for the following crime:

A r*fle is missing from a vehicle.

No fault of the vehicle's owner.

We assume a roving band of

g*n thieves has run amok,

absconding with weapons hither

- MARY: Frig's sakes!

- MIKE JR: Oh, it's Dad's award!

The metal's friggin' up the reception!

POP: Oh, get it off!

MIKE SR: And where do

you suggest I put it?

Why don't you put it up your

[ALL YELL]

They can't stay in

the same room anymore!

Just let him say it! Let him say it!

[ALL YELLING OVER EACH OTHER]

♪

♪

♪