03x01 - That Was Me in Grade Nine

[bunniefuu]

d*ck: [radio] it's
the first day of school

In the capital city,

So keep an eye peeled for
the youngsters on the roads.

Adult mark [v.O.]: The only way
to download a song in 1988

Was to tape it off the radio.

You had to press record
at just the right moment

Like indiana jones swapping a
bag of sand for a golden statue.

d*ck: [radio] here's
the beach boys at number one

With "kokomo,"
on the mighty vocm!

["kokomo" playing]

♪ aruba, jamaica,
ooh, I wanna take ya ♪

♪ bermuda, bahama,
come on, pretty mama ♪

♪ key largo, montego,
baby, why don't we go? ♪

♪ jamaica,
up the florida keys... ♪

Mark, honey!

Breakfast!

Oh...

-[muffled singing]
-[knocks]

Mark?

Mark...?

[muffled singing continues]

Hm.

♪ bodies in the sand...

["kokomo" playing on radio]

♪ tropical drink
melting in your hand... ♪

Mark's got his door locked.

-Well,
the boy needs his privacy.

Besides, if there was
any p*rn in there,

I think I would have found it.

-I don't want to
think about that!

-What if he knocks over
a candle or something?

He could have a seizure.

Whole house could burn down.

-What are you gonna do
with that, s*ab him?

-I'm gonna pop the lock.
-No!

There's a better way.

["kokomo" playing]

Adult mark [v.O.]: Every boy
dreams of rock stardom.

- ♪ and then
we'll take it slow ♪

♪ that's where we wanna go

♪ way down in kokomo

[audience cheering]

♪

Adult mark [v.O.]:
In my dreams, I got the girls.

In reality, I was a gangly teen
who had to turn up the music

To drown out the cracking sound
of his own bones growing.

I could live out my dreams
in the privacy of my room...

[loud tapping]

[mary giggling]

-Aah!

Adult mark [v.O.]: My last year
of junior high

Couldn't possibly be more
embarrassing than my house.

d*ck: [radio] that's
the beach boys, on the new...

Adult mark [v.O.]: My
growth spurt meant new clothes.

New year, new jacket, new me.

My brother had
graduated as well...

To the co-host chair
on the morning show.

-You're listening to
the new vo morning show

With mike and d*ck.

-That's right!
With d*ck and mike.

-One good morning,
two great hosts!

-One main host,
and one sidekick.

Adult mark [v.O.]: But mike
was growing too fast for d*ck.

I could take any seat I wanted,

But there was only one seat
worthy of a grade nine.

Fox: Mark!

Over here!

Grade nine means
we get the back of the bus now.

[laughs]

-New coat?
-Oh, yeah, it's suede.

The thinking man's leather.

Picked it out myself.

Let's just say
my tailor is "tip top."

I'm finally big enough
to wear a men's small.

I've decided to focus
more on my "look" this year.

-It's... Different.

-Thanks.

Where's your other brother?

-He dropped out.

-He says school is for losers.

-Well, he'd know losers.

Uh, I mean, good for him.

Best wishes in all things.

Adult mark [v.O.]: We were
the oldest on the bus.

With no natural predators left,

I was the silverback gorilla.

Or so I thought.

-Is that coat your mudder's?

'cause ya looks like
an old woman, b'y.

Middle fox: Hey, frig off
bullying mark!

He's a grade nine now.

Adult mark [v.O.]: Even my
old bully respected me now.

Mark: Yeah...

Frig off!

Adult mark [v.O.]:
Top of the food chain.

-Big mistake.
I owns you now.

Critch is my bitch.

♪

♪

-And that's the morning show
with d*ck dunphy.

-And mike critch.

Stick around, the news is
up next, with mike critch.

[jingle playing]

-I'm gutfounded.

-What's in the can?
-Don't know yet.

I buys 'em without the labels.

Eight for a dollar.

Let me give you
another piece of advice.

-Well, that one was so good,
so, yeah, please.

-We can't have
two mike critches on the air.

It confuses people.

Jeez, b'y!

It confuses me!

Yes, soup!

-Great job, mike!

Two mike critches on the air.
You know what they calls that?

A dynasty!

-Shag that.
You needs a new name, b'y.

Announcer: [radio] vocm,
award-winning news.

-Wolfman jack?

Not his real name.

Even I uses a radio name.

-Wait... Wait, wait, wait.

d*ck dunphy's
not your real name?

-Nope.

It's richard.

Whoa.

I'm mike critch.

Uh, not the mike critch
who was just on.

That's my son, mike critch.

And now, the vocm news
with mike critch.

Cats!
How many is too many?

The spca says 13 is the magic...

♪

♪

Grade nine!
Can you believe it?

Everyone's afraid of me now.

-Hah!
-[kid yelps]

It's awesome!

-Well, well, well.

Look at this sooky little baby.

Uh, I thought you dropped out.

Silver fox: I did.
School's for suckers.

-High school
was too hard for him.

He was getting picked on.

-Shut up!

I just wouldn't be caught dead
hanging around

A bunch'a losers, is all.

-So, why are you
still here, then?

-I'm not.

You are.

-It's called a "drop out,"
not a "drop in."

Mr. Chafe: Hey!

What are you doing here
on school grounds?

You're not allowed here!
Now, go on!

-Losers!

Fox: Twins.
Cute.

You guys shop
at the same salvation army?

-Uh, uh...

[laughter]

I mean...

It makes you look grown up.

But...

Maybe too much?

Mr. Chafe: Ah,
it's nice threads!

Sidewalk sale, right?

-Uh, sir, I think this is
a young person's coat.

You might want to reconsider.

I wouldn't want you
to embarrass yourself.

-Do you have protection?

-Protection?

As a catholic,
we are taught not to--

-It might rain later on.

The suede'll be ruined.

-Uh...

Oh, that stinks!

-Well, that's how
you know it's working, b'y!

-Yeah, okay--

-Get my back.

-Okay...

Adult mark [v.O.]:
Scotchgarding

The vice principal
is not how I expected

To start my senior year.

-Thank you.

Baby fox: Nice coat, mrs.!

[laughter]

Adult mark [v.O.]:
Top of the food chain.

Baby fox: Yes, now!
Come on with it!

Aaah!

Come back and face me!

I'll cut you!

I owns you!

-Bunch'a losers!

[indistinct chatter]

♪

Grade nines!

Grade nines!

Where is your teacher?

[loud dragging sound]

Student: What is she doing?

-Oh!

-What in god's name
are you doing?

-Hello, children.

I am sister perpetua.

I'll be your grade nine
homeroom teacher.

I wanted to start
the year off in a fun way,

With a visual representation
of christ's suffering.

Now, for the full day,
I shall carry this cross with me

As a reminder of what our lord
went through for your sins.

-She seems fun.

Sister rose: Yes, well.
Children, you're in good hands.

Bleeding palms and all.

-Would someone
help me with my cross?

[sister perpetua panting]

Thank you, thank you.

Okay, children!

Write these down.

Now... We all have
our own cross to bear.

Ritche: How do
you spell "bear"?

-What?
-Do you mean b-e-e-r?

-No, I think it's b-a-r-e.

-Isn't that naked?

Sister rose: Children!

We don't mention
nudity and alcohol in class!

-Unless, sister,
we are referring to noah.

"in those days
noah became a farmer,

"and he made a vine-garden.

"and he took of the wine of it
and was overcome by drink;

"and he was
uncovered in his tent...

Both: "and ham,
the father of canaan,

"saw his father unclothed,

"and gave news of it
to his two brothers outside."

Genesis 9:20-23.

Can you read that?

-Yeah.

-Sister?
Uh, may I move closer?

I can't see.

-Mr. Critch.

You need glasses.

I'll write a note
for your parents.

[stifled laughter]

-Glasses.
Me? No, no.

Uh, I just think the chalk
is just a little soft.

-See?
That's your cross to bear.

Glasses.

Adult mark [v.O.]: My life
flashed before my eyes.

But I couldn't
make any of it out.

-This is your
all-request nooner.

Coming up,
we're getting physical

With olivia newton john,

A lady so nice
they named her thrice.

I'm mike...

Campbell.

-[spits]
good god!

Mike jr: [radio] and you're
listening to 590 vocm.

Optometrist: Now
read the next line.

F...

-That's an e.

-C...?

-No...
No, that's a b.

-H?
-D.

E, b, d, o, t, c.

"ebdotc."

-I can't cheat on this test!

Mike sr: These prices are mad!

-Yeah, but you get
the second pair free.

-Does it have to be
the same prescription?

-He already got glasses!

-Hey, my prescription's
running out!

-Mark, let's pick out
a frame, hm?

-Glasses...
I only just got cool!

-Oh, imagine how good
the tv's gonna look now!

And movies?

It'll be like you're right
in there with dark vader

And his life saver.

-They're not


-Okay.

How about these?

-Too serial k*ller.

-Ooh, these?

-Too ghandi.
-Okay, goldilocks.

-All the critch men
wear glasses.

-Mike doesn't.

-He's not a critch,
though, is he?

He's a campbell.

-Mike!

Mark, honey,
you pick any pair that you like.

Whatever you think suits you.

-Well, maybe not those ones.

They look like
they hurt your little nose.

-Can a prescription
for the free pair

Be somewhere
in the middle of ours?

If we wanted to share
the free pair?

Adult mark [v.O.]: My
first day with glasses.

This was supposed to be
the year I went

From ugly duckling to swan.

Time to go from
grade nine superman

To grade nine clark kent.

What an eye-opener!

The school was run-down...

The cool kids
weren't that good-looking.

I had been living a lie!

Even the smallest things
seemed bigger.

-Look at jam jars over there!

[laughter]

Adult mark [v.O.]:
I was a grade nine.

Listen to me, you little...

-Picking on a baby, are ya?
I'll throw rocks at ya.

-Ow!

-Coke bottles!
-Give it up! Aah!

-Glasses!

He wears them in there,
he'll be k*lled.

Adult mark [v.O.]:
He was right.

These glasses
could cost me an eye.

If I wanted to be cool, I could
never wear my glasses again.

[indistinct chatter]

[mark panting]

-You okay?
-Yeah.

I'm fine.

[breathlessly]
yeah, fine.

[inhales]

-Where are your glasses?

-I don't have glasses.

-I thought you got glasses.
-Stop saying "glasses"!

-What the frig?

Children?

I was inspired by the cross
mark has to bear.

And I wanted to show you

What it would be like
to be blind for the day.

Now, even as I lose one sense,

My other senses
become heightened.

In the darkness,
can you see the light?

Ritche: Uh, sister?

-Whoever's talking,
I can hear you!

-Sister...

-Uh, I...

-"then will the eyes
of the blind be opened."

Isaiah 35:5.

Sister perpetua!

Where in god's name
are your students?

-But I heard them!

-One more mistake and I'll nail
you to your cross, sister!

Now, go find them.

-Yes, sister.

Sorry, sister.

Sister perpetua: Children?
Ready or not...

-And mr. Critch?

Where are your eye-glasses?

-Uh, I...

I don't have glasses, sister.

Adult mark [v.O.]:
She didn't need glasses

To see I was up to something.

And why is that, mr. Critch?

Adult mark [v.O.]: Maybe I
should just tell her the truth.

Maybe sister rose
would understand.

Oh, who was I kidding?

-Dad-- dad said,
um, that...

We couldn't afford them.

Adult mark [v.O.]: What
the hell was I saying?

-Very well.

If sister perpetua cannot ensure
you have what you need,

I shall do so myself.

[ominous music]

Adult mark [v.O.]: I didn't
need glasses to see

That something bad
was about to happen.

Adult mark [v.O.]: At home,
I loved my glasses.

-I always thought
we had a crappy tv,

But the reception's
actually quite good!

-Hey, buddy holly, right?

Hey, dad.

Guess what?

I took a radio name.

I'm mike campbell now.

-Are you that
embarrassed of me?

Adult mark [v.O.]:
At least with my glasses,

I'd have a clear view
of the show.

-Your father's a bit upset.

-Turned his back
on his family.

He's insulted his father.

-When's supper?
-Oh, will you shut it?

Mark: Pop, mike changed
his name, to "campbell."

-Oh.
Was mike "boy-ar-dee" taken?

Mike sr: What kind of person
gives up their surname, hm?

-Well, I gave up mine
to marry you.

-That's different!

-Everybody thinks
I've got a free pass

Just 'cause of
who my old man is!

-Well, I'm sorry for giving you
an opportunity I never had!

-What's that
supposed to mean?

-Dad, I gotta be me.

-And who the hell is that?
-I don't know, okay?

But I'm not gonna find out
if I keep living in your shadow!

I just need to know
if I'm any good on my own.

-Oh, don't be so foolish.
You're the best I've ever seen!

♪

♪

Pop: Oh, jesus.

I think I'll change my name.

-Oh, mike.

And mike.

My mikes!

[knock at door]

Who the frig's at the door?

Mark!
Get that, hm?

-Yeah.

[ominous music]

Oh!

Hello, mr. Critch.

Adult mark [v.O.]:
A nun at the house?

I'd never seen one in the wild!

-I was just going to
drop off a hamper

For your family
in their time of need,

But I see that your
fortunes have changed.

I think we can both see things
more clearly now.

-I can explain.
I--I only just--

-Oh, sister rose!
What a surprise!

Are you coming in?

Adult mark [v.O.]:
Don't invite her in!

Everyone knows that dracula
has to be invited!

-Oh, no.

I just wanted to check
on mark's glasses.

-Oh!
-No troubles?

-No, he loves them.

Is that for us?

-No.

Pop: Well, well, well!

What's in the basket,
little blue riding hood?

Ooh!

What luscious
big lips you've got!

Awoooooo!

-Uh...

You'll see me, uh,
tomorrow, mr. Critch.

And I will be...
Watching... You.

[pop laughs]

-What in the flying
friggity-frig

Was that all about?

Jeez!

Adult mark [v.O.]:
Like it or not,

You have to learn
to embrace the new you.

You'll never see everything.

-If you so much as
looks at him funny again,

I'll kick you
in the arse so hard,

My shoelaces will be
coming out your nose.

[bus door opens]

♪

♪

♪

Fox: You're wearing them!

I wanna try 'em on.

-Oh... Uh...
They're a medical aid!

-Whoa, I can see your bones!

-Yeah, I know I'm a nerd.

-I was just foolin'.

Come on, put 'em on for me.

Please?

♪

I think they look...

Handsome.

So... I guess I need
glasses now, too, huh?

-Wait...

You're a girl?

-Shut it!

-I mean...

Adult mark [v.O.]: If only
they made glasses that let us

See ourselves
the way others do.

Adult mark [v.O.]: When
we accept who we are,

The way forward has a way
of coming into focus...

So we can see
the writing on the wall.

♪

♪

♪

♪

Adult mark [v.O.]:
So we can see things

From another perspective.

And we can see people
for who they really are.

-And that's the news!

Stay tuned for the top ten
at ten, with mike...

Campbell.

-And mike critch will be back
with more news on the hour.

The beach boys have fallen
from the top spot this week

Into third, with "kokomo"...

♪

Adult mark [v.O.]: And besides,

All the truly beautiful
things in life

Are invisible anyway.

♪

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