05x02 - Scared & Unprepared

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "I am jazz"...

I can't process it in my brain.

Like, I'm going to have different genitals in a month.

I feel like everything in my life

Has been leading up to this point.

You have to tell us how it, like, all goes.

I'm going to tell you guys everything -- you know it.

I want to get you a little more mentally prepared

For new york.

-Okay. -Yeah.

You're gonna be in new york for a while.

I'm going to be there for like a week.

We're thinking you should be in

For at least three weeks.

Shouldn't we have known this months ago?

At the hospital, you've got full nursing staff.

Your job starts once

She's released from the hospital.

I'm not ready to be nurse jeanette.

What if something goes wrong?

I'm there in the hotel alone with her.

-What's the tea with victoria? -We don't really talk anymore.

Jazz: you know, I think we liked each other,

So I don't know why things didn't work out.

How is school?

I know with everything that went down.

Noelle: on february th,

A gunman walked into stoneman douglas,

My school, and opened fire.

A high school in parkland, florida,

Became the scene of chaos and panic.

At least people are dead.

I do have some triggers

Where, like, if people are screaming,

It freaks me out or if I hear popping sounds.

So, is this your first time at prom?

Jazz: it is really, really loud at this prom.

I could barely hear my friends from across the table.

I'm starting to get concerned.

Are you okay?

Is there anything I can do?

Noelle: I don't want to go in there again.

The screaming freaks me out.

Jazz: let's go outside.

You won't be able to hear anything.

Jazz: noelle is really suffering from this.

You know, this is real ptsd.

♪♪

--Captions by vitac-- www.vitac.com

Captions paid for by discovery communications

Me and jazz will go get our stuff,

And then we'll be right back outside, and we'll head home.

-We can jam in the car. -We'll have fun.

♪♪

-Whoo! -How are you?

I didn't know you were here!

-Yeah! -You look good.

Thank you. So do you. I love this.

Oh, thanks.

We're getting our stuff and leaving because noelle --

She wasn't doing too hot.

Jazz: I run into victoria,

And I'm just so surprised to see her here.

I did not expect that at all.

Come outside. It's loud in here.

Come out with us and talk.

Noelle: jazz, I'm gonna go out there and get them,

-Start the car and everything. -Okay.

And so, how have you been?i've been good.

I'm sorry we, like, lost communications.

-[ Laughing ] -so this is what happened --

I, like, I started using snapchat for a little bit,

And then I told you -- like, remember when I first met you,

I'm like, "I don't use snapchat."

-Then I tried it again. -Yeah.

And then I would snap you, but I just hated it.

We had a streak going, and you broke the --

Like, I'm not mad. Like, I've gotten over it.

Like, it's fine now, but...

Jazz: victoria looks really, really great tonight.

She's so beautiful.

I liked the way I felt when I hung out with her.

She wanted to get to know jazz as a person,

Regardless of the fact that I was born biologically male,

And I respect her.

All right, well, I don't want to keep them waiting.

Noelle had a rough night.

Oh, wait. Before you go, do you want to hang out sometime?

Yeah.

All right, well, they're waiting for me.

-Yeah. -It was good to see you.

It was good to see you, too. I hope to see you soon.

-You look good. -Thank you. You, too.

Thanks.

All right, bye.bye.

-Just walk this way. -And the vehicle is this way.

♪♪

[ Blender whirring ]

Jeanette: so, how was last night?

How was the prom?

Sander: it was a little rough, honestly.

It didn't go that well.

Even though noelle's experiences with ptsd

Are very, very personal,

I still want to make my mom aware

Of what occurred at prom,

Because she's just an extra person

Who could be there to support noelle.

Jeanette: what happened? Tell me.

Jazz: we were having fun for a little bit.

We got there, and there was food.

We were eating.

We were just sitting at the table,

People were talking,

But then, after a little bit,

When people were, like, screaming a lot

And then there was, like, loud music in the party,

Noelle kind of excused herself,

And she just got up and left the room.

Did you know immediately? Like, obviously?

No, I didn't.

I thought she was just going to the bathroom or something,

And then when tanner came back and noelle still wasn't there,

I had to go look for noelle.

Greg and I met with noelle's parents and found out

About noelle's ptsd.

It's just not fair.

I love that kid so much,

And to hear what she's going through, I'm just heartbroken.

I went outside, looked for her.

She was sitting in the corner of, like, the hotel area.

-Was she crying? -She wasn't, like, fully crying.

She was just, like, very anxious and, like, very unsettled.

She said the thing that got to her the most

Was the screaming.

That is so heartbreaking.

I'm really sorry that your prom did not end up being

What it was supposed to be.

The whole time I had fun,

Except for, obviously, the tragic part,

But the fact that, at the end of the day,

I just was there for noelle was all that mattered.

It sounds like everybody was ready to drop everything

And be there for noelle.

It's really nice to know

That jazz has this core group of friends

That will be there for her

When she is going through

The most difficult period of her life.

Sander: are you ready, jazz?

I feel like I'm gonna need to pee in the middle of the walk.

So if you're on your walk and you have to go to the bathroom,

Please don't go in the bushes.

[ Slurping ] promise me?

Sander: why? She should go in the bushes.

She only has it for so much longer.

Yeah, that's gonna be my last opportunity to go in the bushes.

Jazz: prior to the surgery,

I really just want to embrace my final moments in this body.

The little things like peeing standing up --

I'm not going to be able to do that anymore.

If you have to go to the bathroom,

Just get her home, please.

To me, peeing in the bush is not really necessary.

Go find a toilet somewhere.

What a beautiful day.

Jazz: having sander around without griffen is different.

Ever since griffen got a girlfriend,

His relationship with sander has changed,

And now sander and I have grown even closer.

Oh, I'm so sad that, after I get the surgery,

I'm not going to be able to work out.

That's why you've got to work out extra now.

I know, but I could still walk.

As long as I get moving, you know?

This is gonna be you.

[ Both laugh ]

Practice now.

Oh, vag*na, vag*na, vag*na!

It'll probably be less annoying

To not have balls in between your legs.

[ Laughing ] okay.

Griffen's definitely changed a little bit

Since being in his relationship.

I think he's pretty happy,

But I do see some differences in him.

He's never actually there for me anymore.

Listen, you guys argue a lot.

I think you guys are both very caught up

In your own affairs.

I don't have that many affairs. [ Chuckling ]

I don't really have that much going on right now.

Sander: I'm really happy for griffen,

But when griffen chooses time with his girlfriend over me,

I sometimes get jealous.

He definitely needs to try a little harder

To balance his time.

You don't realize it,

But you do things that are very selfish.

I think it's good to have an ego to some extent

And to love yourself,

But you can't blame griffen for doing the same thing as well

Because he's caught up in his life.

Jazz: griffen has a new best friend now,

And sander was kind of kicked off the pedestal.

I think that just hurts his ego a little bit.

I'm kind of jealous of griffen, too.

Although falling in love -- what is that like?

Does it happen fast? It happens fast, right?

Oh, it happens like this.

You just like...?

I feel like I've been ready to fall in love for so long.

Since I was , I'm like,

"I want to fall in love. I want to fall in love."

And it still just hasn't happened yet.

Like, I've gone on dates, but I'm picky.

I want to fall in love because -- I don't know --

I've always wanted to fall in love.

Although I'm not boy crazy and I don't need a boyfriend,

I do want love.

It's something that I'm really dying to experience.

I want my fairy tale.

I need someone to -- to just be with.

It's like the ultimate connection,

And I feel like that's such a beautiful thing

That you have with another person,

And knowing that I'll have a vag*na in three weeks

Makes it more of a possibility sooner than later.

Like, I've gone on dates with multiple people.

Victoria, for example, like, I got along with her,

And I was attracted to her physically.

Like, I liked her.

I was always the one making an effort, I felt like,

And, like, I was kind of waiting

For her to tell me when she's free.

When victoria and I were hanging out,

We had great chemistry,

And we tried to develop a relationship,

But it kind of just fizzled out.

Since the prom, we have been texting each other

About getting together,

And I'm really open to that idea.

Every time I have hung out with her, it's been a blast,

So I want to see where this goes.

Let's run. Okay, let's go.

You lead the pace.

-You want to race home? -Yeah.

Ah!

♪♪

You want to put your purse on it, or no?

No, I'm fine.

[ Indistinct conversation ]

What is this?

-Is this an orange with acne? -[ Laughing ]

With only three weeks left before the surgery

[Sighs] I feel overwhelmed.

You know how I'm usually really good

About doing my homework?

I'm really planned out, I get the research together.

If I go somewhere it's all planned?

I've done nothing.

The rash -- we don't know what the cause of the rash is.

That's another question.

'Cause you know her, and her skin is so sensitive.

Jazz's testosterone blocker

Was removed a couple of months ago,

And then the rash came back -- another rash,

And it wasn't from the same materials

She had a reaction to before.

It's something new,

And now jazz's surgery is right around the corner

And, I mean, this is her genitalia,

Like, she cannot have rashes down there.

I should have taken care of this months ago.

I've just pushed it off.

I have not done my homework on what to expect.

I think I should talk to other parents.

Like I haven't said, "hey, if you were gonna

Do this all over again, what would you do?"

Like, I haven't put my mind there.

I won't think about it.

I don't want to think about it 'cause it makes it real.

Yeah.

Jeanette is in a very little bit of denial.

She's vulnerable.

Her baby is going into major surgery.

It's traumatic.

-You'll do it. -I don't know the first thing

About taking care of a patient.

-You raised four kids. -Yeah.

You're not a trained nurse, but you're very bright.

I have to know what could go wrong.

Let's start with the positive.

I have to prepare for any situation.

Jeanette: there's the potential

We will be in new york for three weeks,

And I know there are a lot of loose ends.

I just haven't quite embraced the fact

That it's happening already

Because, honestly, I have to admit that I'm scared.

I want to fall in love.

You say that all the time.

But then, I don't feel like you really are open to love yet.

I am open to love.

I don't think you're ready to put yourself out there.

I am ready to put myself out there,

If I could leave the damn house.

I'm looking for a good reason.

I [bleep] have a [bleep] mom.

♪♪

Jazz: oh, dad's here with the food.

-Yay! -Hello.

Where do you want this? On the table or over here?

Uh-huh. On the table.

Jazz: griffen is coming home from school today,

And the reason that he stayed up at uf longer than sander did

Was because he was taking summer classes there

And wanted to spend time with his girlfriend,

Who was also taking summer classes.

-A lot of people. -I'm home!

-Hey! -Oh!

-Hey, griff. -I get the first hug!

Jeanette: I'm really happy having all my kids at home.

How are you?

And I think it's great

That the boys will have some time together,

Which is a good thing

Because they are at odds with each other.

So now they can just have some griffen and sander time,

Which they haven't had a lot of.

How has school been?

Good. I have my first exam coming up.

It's gonna be nice and hard.

Wait, griffen. So did you come back down for my surgery --

-Is that why? -Yeah.

I'm gonna be at your surgery.

I'll be here days before you leave for your surgery.

Are you ready to go? Like, how you feelin' about it?

I've been ready. Are you kidding me?

Are you not worried at all, like?

No.

But haven't you had allergic reactions

To the t-blockers and things?

Yeah, but we're figuring out exactly what I'm allergic to

Just to ensure that.

Jeanette: yeah, she had another allergic reaction -- this one,

So we have to figure out what that is.

So you've had two allergic reactions?

I think this is what we need to find out.

Prior to the surgery,

We need to find out exactly what they're gonna use on me,

And we have to test all of those things.

Got a good point there.

Because who knows if they're gonna use some new material

That I end up being allergic to?

We need to go to the allergist with a full list,

And I think that we need to talk to kris and skylar

About the allergic reactions she had

And the pain that it was causing her.

There's some housekeeping I have to do

Before we go into surgery.

And I need to talk to kris and skylar.

They're friends that we met several years ago,

Through our little network of trans parents and kids,

And skylar has already had the surgery,

So they might be really helpful

In guiding us through what to prepare for,

And I just want to have all my ducks in a row.

What's the recovery time after the surgery?

Jazz: after three days, I'm allowed to leave the hospital.

And jazz is being sent to a hotel with just me.

If we're being honest,

Like, family's times more attentive than a doctor.

A doctor has many patients, we have one patient.

Yeah, what happens if her catheter splits open in half?

What do you do?

Jeanette: jazz comes out of the hospital

And goes to a hotel room near the hospital,

And then I'm the round-the-clock person.

Do I look like I'm a round-the-clock nursing person?

I am not, that's not my thing, and this is the unknown.

I have no idea what's gonna happen.

Sander: griffen, what were you doing in gainesville,

Besides alexa? [ Chuckling ]

-You didn't say that. -Geez.

I'm asking what you did.

Honestly, I spent a lot of time at the library because --

You don't spend time at the library during the real year.

I do now when there's nobody there -- it's so dead.

I literally have the floor to myself.

And alexa.

I'm not trying to be in gainesville the whole summer --

I'm trying to take my class, be able to do well.

You could have taken the class online.

I am taking the class online.

I have to be in gainesville for three days, technically.

Sander: I think griffen is not always straight up

In saying he wants to stay in gainesville

To hang out with his girlfriend.

His girlfriend's great,

And I don't blame him for wanting to be with her,

So be straight up about it.

I'm gonna go unpack now.

Thanks for dinner, guys. That was really fun.

Yo, sander, you're so strong --

Why don't you carry my suitcase upstairs?

Sure, I got you.

Those boys are, man -- like, whoa.

Yeah there's a lot of pent-up frustration there.

What have you been doing to keep yourself busy

The past few weeks?

Nothing much.

I've definitely been a little bored in terms of nightlife.

The thing I miss most about my relationship with griffen

Is going out together and having fun.

I still consider him my best friend,

But I'm not sure if he considers me his best friend.

What girls do you talk to besides alexa anymore?

A couple, maybe?

It's okay to come out once a week with me

And make new friends or hit up some friends

Or invite people here,

Some girls that you used to be friends with,

Even if they're single.

It's not like you're trying to hit on them.

I prefer to be with her.

But why can't you hang out with me?

Griffen: I think it's very natural

That me being in a serious relationship

Would change the dynamic of my relationship with my brother.

Obviously, I have less time for him,

And I have a lot of love to give to my girlfriend.

And that might cause a little jealousy,

A little rift, a little conflict.

And that's just the reality.

I haven't been home.

Well, now you are home,

So we should have something at our house.

Sander, by all means, if you want to throw a party,

Go for it.

I will throw this party,

'Cause I want to hang out with my pal griffen.

I don't think you've ever called me your pal before,

But thanks.

Glad we're pals.

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh, hey! -Hello.

-Hi. -Hey.

-Oh, you look so good! -Oh, yeah.

You haven't seen skinny jazz.

Jeanette: since jazz's surgery is only three weeks away,

The more information I can get, the better.

I know you told me stuff, but, like, now it's sinking in --

Like, I have to do this.

-Yeah. -What should she expect?

What should I expect?

Kris has been there before, so I really need to grill her

About how to feel and what to expect.

Tell us everything!

What was the most painful part that you remember?

Um.

I hear the first time you dilate is really...

Definitely that, yeah, yeah.

That probably was the most painful part.

Was it really bad?

It's definitely a feeling I had never felt before.

[ Laughter ]so it was pretty bad.

Dilating is the process of taking

This hard acrylic object,

And you have to insert it up your vag*na,

And then you have to hold it in there

For a certain amount of time

So that your vag*na doesn't lose its width or its depth.

Skylar: so, I have a little story.

After my first surgery,

I had all my dilators in my bag on the way home,

And the hottest tsa agent

I have ever seen in my entire life

Pulled the out of my bag,

And I was just like, "oh, my god."

It was so embarrassing.

I was like, "oh, my god." Please, please stop. Stop."

So, how much depth do you have?

I'd say like / to inches now,

Which is great, considering the amount of material

-I had to work with before. -Yeah.

Jeanette: I've been a little stressed lately,

So it's comforting and liberating

To be able to just put it all out there on the table.

That's it -- just pull the covers back,

And anything goes.

I kind of want to go for a walk. You want to walk with me?

-Sure. -Let's do.

-Have fun. Don't talk to boys. -Talk to boys, please.

Talk to a girl. Talk to anybody.

I feel like there's so much that I should be knowing

That I'm not.

I don't know why I'm not there.

I think because it's too overwhelming to think about.

♪♪

I can sense that jeanette is getting a little more nervous

Now that the surgery is so close,

And she's starting to worry about what it's gonna look like

When she finally gets there.

See, I'm glad we're talking.

I want it, like, from the mom's perspective...

-Yeah. -...what to expect,

So that I can help her and make this journey easier for her.

I think trying to alleviate pain

-Was the number-one thing. -Okay.

That was really shocking how intense the pain was

And how long she was uncomfortable for.

So, yeah, once the morphine kicks in and they're happy,

It's just such -- it's like elation in the room.

Okay. It's just so joyful.

I think what concerns me the most is, like, the unknown.

Like, there's got to be some aftercare stuff

That I'm gonna have to do with her in the hotel room.

So, your situation's completely different.

Yeah, she was in a recovery center.

The nurses would come in. They would change everything.

Wow.

I'm gonna be the nurse -- nurse jeanette.

Nurse jeanette. Get you a little white hat.

Damn.

Does life change after surgery?

Like, do you feel like you had --

Not like a personality shift

But, like, maybe a confidence shift?

-Oh, oh, my god, % yeah. -Really?

I feel like I didn't even have any dysphoria.

I still don't have any dysphoria after surgery

Because it's just like --you just feel amazing.

You're in the body that you want.

Yeah, I feel complete, at peace with life.

Skylar: after my surgeries,

I feel like I can just live my life normally,

Like I was always meant to live,

But now I have no roadblocks.

I just want it to happen already.

-Like, come on. -Yeah.

June th can't come any sooner.

I know the exact feeling.

Jazz: I have definitely seen a confidence boost in skylar.

Being in the body that she's always wanted

Has allowed her to feel more whole,

And she just seems more radiant.

I can't wait to feel that way.

Anything else I have to worry about?

There's a lot. There's a lot.

When we were in the hospital, she was complaining

About, like, her stomach itching where they had the tape.

They took the tape off, and she had hives

All around her waist....oh, my god.

...because she had an allergy to the adhesive.

Hives -- there is no way I can watch her go through that.

We've got three weeks.three weeks?

- Days. -Wow.

Frickin' days.

♪♪

In the next days, we better find out

-What she's allergic to. -Yeah.

I think it's just all starting to hit her now,

But I don't know if you can actually be completely prepared

For this type of surgery.

It was brutal.

I'm at the point where I'm getting sweaty palms.

Sweaty palms. I'm getting --

I'm, like, anxious thinking about it.

Jazz: victoria and I are getting together.

I'm hoping that I can get some clarity with victoria.

I just want to know if she's still interested in me.

Have you been dating anyone else?

♪♪

I want to make chicken parm and pasta

With alexa for the entire family.

Maybe you could help us.

-Or sander? Or mom or dad? -I do to want sander's help.

Jazz: the twins have always had a little bit of banter,

But this whole girlfriend situation

Is much bigger than anything I've seen between them before.

Why do you always fight with sander?

Every time I come up to visit you guys,

You're always fighting.

He seems to be a little bit jealous of the fact

That I have someone else that's not him.

You don't think so?

I think it's that he lost his wingman.

You want to know what sander's problem is?

Sander's problem is that I don't go out with him enough

And set him up with girls.

Yeah, that is part of his problem.

That's not my job.i don't think --

I don't -- I don't think --that's not my job.

Griffen: sander's social life is not my priority.

I got school ahead of that,

I got my girlfriend ahead of that

And either he's gonna understand and respect that,

Or he's not.

I'm on your side with that.

However, kind of your personality changed.

I don't appreciate you making a statement like that.

No one's gonna be completely the same

When they go from being single their entire life

To having a girlfriend.

I just feel a little bit offended.

Not just from you.

Like, and sander all saying things

That I don't want to hear.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Jazz: I do not want a role in this drama.

I feel like they're so used to being attached at the hip

That now that they're finally breaking apart,

They don't know how to react to that situation.

I'm gonna defend me, and I'm gonna defend my relationship

Because I love my relationship, and I love my girlfriend,

-You know? -Mm-hmm.

Griffen: there's no reason to bash me

Or say I'm doing things wrong.

And there comes a point where you cross the line

And you say things that are just disrespectful,

That just go too far,

And sometimes sander crosses that line.

I'm gonna defend myself when he does.

♪♪

♪♪

Dr. Shookoff got a list from dr. Bowers

Of potential things that you could be allergic to

That they use during the bottom surgery.

After speaking to kris, I realize I procrastinate

'Cause I feel like I have so much time.

"Oh, jazz isn't gonna have the surgery for quite some time."

No, it's now.

I feel bad that skylar had, like, a bad experience

Where she was in hives and red

And like, girl, I don't need no allergic reaction

On my vag*na. Can you imagine?

It could have been avoided

If she had been allergy-tested ahead of time,

So we learn from her mistake.

I can't dictate what happens in the o.r.,

So this is at least something I can do

To try to avoid any problems.

So, what do you think

About what's going on with your brothers?

I think it's just obvious

They're kind of going their own way a little bit

Because griffen has a girlfriend.

Well, griffen's, like, really head over heels in love.

Like, he's got it bad.

I know. I want to fall in love.

You say that all the time,

But then I don't feel like you really are open to love yet.

I am open to love. Are you kidding?

I never get that impression from you.

Like, you say it, but then you don't do anything about it.

I just like -- I'm not in a rush to fall in love,

But I still want to find love really bad,

But I'm not gonna just let myself go for anyone,

And I want someone to stable me in life.

You have to let them in

In order for them to be able to stable you.

Yes, I'll let someone in --

Your door is pretty much locked right now.

Honestly, I could also be more open than you'd expect.

I challenge her because I think she's holding back.

Ultimately, I feel like she's not ready

To take that next step with somebody and be physical.

Okay, just please, please, stop talking.

Honestly I just -- I want to go to a psychic

And see what they have to say

About when I'm gonna fall in love

Just so, like, when I do it,

I could do it right the first time

Because that's what I want.

You don't really want the first spark

To be your first love.

Yes, I do. I want that.

Just 'cause you don't want that

Doesn't mean I don't want that.

I just know from experience it's better not to have that.

I'm sure it is. I'm sure it is.

But for my life, I think I'd find --

You want to try a few different flavors of ice cream

Before you settle on one for the rest of your life.

-I agree with that. -You need to have experience

With other people to see.

It took me years to figure out what a good guy was

Because I had been out with some guys

That were not so nice.

I get it, but I'm not going through that.

-Just let me do it. -That's why I don't think

You're ready to put yourself out there.

I am ready to put myself out there

If I could leave the damn house,

But I'm stuck in this place

Where I can't even meet anyone or do anything,

So that's the reason

Why I'm not ready to put myself out there.

That's not a good excuse at all

Because all your siblings met people living in the house.

All right, well...

I'm looking for a good reason here.

But I [bleep] have a [bleep] mom!

Okay, well there you go.

♪♪

Jazz: I am ready to put myself out there,

If I could leave the damn house.

All your siblings met people living in the house.

All right, well...

I'm looking for a good reason here.

But I [bleep] have a [bleep] mom!

Okay, well, there you go.

♪♪

Jeanette: there it is --

She finally admitted what was always there,

But she never said it.

She wants to love somebody with the body she loves.

That's it.

So you think it'll be better once you have the surgery

Is the bottom line -- that you'll be more open

To finding love and putting yourself out there.

Honestly, I think it could be easier

For me to date after the surgery.

I think more people are gonna be open to dating me,

Especially if they're attracted to a girl

Who has a vag*na rather than a penis.

Sorry that I cursed at you.

It's okay. I was pushing.

♪♪

So, like, victoria and I are gonna be

-Getting together tomorrow. -Hey!

But she's cool. She's a cool kid, you know?

And she didn't care that I was transgender, you know?

And I just want to figure out why it didn't work out.

I think it's really nice for jazz to meet victoria.

I've always liked her,

But I don't think jazz is confused

As to why it didn't work out.

I think jazz knows exactly why it didn't work out --

An effort was not made.

Honestly, I think I've just been waiting a little bit

To put myself out there.

I feel like, after the surgery,

My life's gonna change a lot more

And I'm gonna want to do different things

-And try new things, so... -Mm-hmm, definitely.

Back to dr. Shookoff.

You look so skinny today.

Jazz: as crazy at it sounds,

I really want to get an allergic reaction

Because it means we'll be able to identify

What has caused my rashes in the past,

And we just want to make sure that we find the culprit

So that it doesn't affect me on the day of the surgery.

And I don't want to get a rash on my vag*na.

You excited? So excited.

You are? Yes.

She's not afraid, not nervous, nothing.

Really? Yeah.

So, is there anything you're worried about

For this upcoming surgery?

The allergy aspect of all this

Is what really concerns me the most

Because we don't know what goes on with her body.

She has allergic reactions to things that we don't suspect,

And you really don't know --

Like, with the surgery, they plan out everything,

They know what's gonna happen, they know how to do it,

But it's the side effects --

The unexpected that scares me.

Dr. Shookoff: yes, jeanette should have concerns

Because after identifying one chemical

That caused a contact dermatitis,

Jazz still reacted to another chemical,

So we took the last three chemicals

From the testosterone blocker procedure,

And I got a list of what potential chemicals

Dr. Bowers uses.

These are some of the things that dr. Bowers wanted,

Like the zinc oxide and the metronidazole,

That you picked up at the pharmacy.

You can have this, actually.

Not that you're gonna be able to see until we remove it,

But those are all the chemicals.

Is this every single chemical that will be used?

Right, everything she's been exposed to

And everything she will be exposed to.

It is important to rule out allergies

So that jazz will not get a contact dermatitis

In this sensitive area.

Which one is the gel that I just brought in today?

Is that the last one?

Dr. Shookoff: it would slow up the whole healing process.

It might be additional scarring after surgery.

No, that would be terrible.

♪♪

♪♪

Jazz: I've wanted to skydive my entire life,

And even though indoor skydiving isn't looking at the earth,

It's still good enough.

-Hey. -Hey.

-Look at this! -No, I've been watching.

How are you?

So victoria and I decided to meet today,

And even though sander's with me,

I'm hoping that I'll get a little bit of clarity

On what happened between us.

We actually hung out multiple times.

She made me feel like

I was interesting and fun to be around,

And I felt the same way about her.

I just want to know if she's still interested in me.

Wait. So, how did you guys meet again?

We were originally, like, set up on a date.

That's how we met.

Sander: I don't really know how I feel

About joining jazz on this date.

Am I a third wheel?

Is jazz into victoria?

I don't really know.

I always kind of like people

Who can look past your physical anatomy

And just see you for who you are

As a person. Yeah.

That's why I respected you

For, like, giving me a chance and dating me

'Cause you didn't care about that.

You just were like, "you're jazz.

And I want to get to know you as a person."

Yeah.

Victoria: being transgender and dating must be hard,

But that doesn't mean you can't find somebody, you know?

Yes, there are people

Who won't want to be in a relationship with her

Because of that,

But there's also people who don't care, like me,

And really just see past it.

♪♪

So, have you been dating anyone else?

♪♪

Yes. I have a girlfriend.

Well, there's my clarity.

How long have you been together?

Not that long, actually.

Do you like her?

I mean, yeah, if I'm in a relationship with her.

Well, you got to like the person.

How long have you known her for?

Not that long.

I'm still not dating.

Sander: you could tell jazz was disappointed

That victoria has a girlfriend.

It is difficult for jazz to find potential dating partners

When, mentally, other people might not be able

To grasp the fact that she's transgender.

It definitely makes me feel bad for her.

So, if you find any cute girls or guys

To put her down with....oh, of course.

...'Cause you're taken, and you set her up.

Of course!

And if you find any cute girls for me...

[ Laughs ]

Jazz: usually, when I go on dates,

It ends up only being one date,

And then I'm like, "okay. That didn't work out. Goodbye."

But with victoria, I feel like I was starting to get a glimpse

Of what being in a relationship might look like.

So, it definitely was a learning experience for me.

Well, are you guys ready?

All right, let's go.

Let's do it!

I just want us to keep being friends.

I know I'm going to college,

And there's gonna be some distance between us,

But I don't want us to lose touch.

She's a cool person. She's a good friend.

[ Vocalizing ]

♪♪

♪♪

-You ready for your reading? -Yes.

Come this way.

I did feel a lot of energy around your sacral chakra,

Which is our sexual organs.

Jazz: oh, wow. This girl is picking up on the surgery!

Your guides are telling you...

♪♪

♪♪

Jazz: all right, I'm about to call her.

[ Computer bloops ]

Hey!

-Hi! -Hi!

Jeanette: good. How are you?

Okay, we can see you, too.

Jeanette: it's been a few days

Since we visited with dr. Shookoff.

Yeah, it is a little bit.

Dr. Shookoff's office

Is really inconvenient to get to right now.

So I've sent her pictures

To show her that jazz had a reaction.

It became really, really, like, red, as well.

Ohh.

I know.

Jeanette: I am not surprised that jazz just had a reaction

To one of the materials that dr. Bowers is planning on using.

And I am so grateful

To be able to control anything possible

Going into this surgery.

I truly will be devastated if jazz suffers like skylar.

Well, I'll make sure that this is on her list,

Not to use any of those.

Imagine this everywhere.

Jazz: I know that there are usually complications

With this surgery,

And I'm such a rare case.

I'm just so, so, so happy and relieved

That I won't have any of the skin complications

Down below.

Yeah. We will.

-Thank you. -Thank you for everything.

We appreciate all your help.

You're welcome.

So, we got a major thing checked off the list.

But, honestly,

There's still a lot to do to get prepared.

-Take care. -Bye, now.

-Bye! -Bye!

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

Sander: no, he's gonna sit right on the front of the table.

-[ Laughs ] -he's just trying to slide.

I would not be surprised if he pops a squat right there

-Or jumps down. -He is gonna jump.

Yep. He doesn't want to hang out with us, either.

[ Laughter ]

-[ Sighs ] -oh.

Sad day.

Sander: I don't really know how this party's gonna go

Because I just want me and griffen

To have some bro time.

But I don't even know if griffen's gonna show up.

We'll see how the night goes.

Nice.

[ Laughter ]

Straight in the eyeball.

-Where is griffen? -Yeah, where is he?

♪♪

[ All cheer ]

Look who's here! Look who's here!

-Griffen! -Yay!

-Welcome! -[ Laughs ]

Party's here! Just kidding. I was here the whole --

Sorry, guys. I was on the phone.

You were on the phone?

-Hello, buddy. -Yes.

So, what's everybody up to this summer?

I feel like I haven't seen most of you guys in a while.

You missed that conversation.

-Yeah, you wouldn't know. -Ohh!

-I missed it. Sorry. -That's okay.

Pop a squat. Come here.i'm actually, like...

-I saved you a seat, bro. -I'm kind of uncomfortable.

Are you sure?

I'm very comfortable right here.

Okay.

♪♪

Why's everybody staring at me?

[ Laughter ]'cause you're standing.

'Cause we haven't seen you in awhile, bro!

Sorry. I've been at gainesville doing school.

That's not all you're doing up there.

Oh.

[ Laughter ]

It would be nice if you would sit down

And just hang out with everyone

Instead of standing over like an eagle over everybody else,

But I mean, do what you got to do, bro.

I'm hanging out with you guys, aren't i?

Yeah.

Way to make me feel awkward again.

[ Laughs ]

Why are you feeling awkward, bro?

Your friends are here.

You're staring at me.

[ Laughs ] it's a stare-down.

I'm gonna go -- I'm gonna go inside.

Griffen: sander's saying a couple of obnoxious things

In this party.

And I'm just kind of fed up with it.

Why are you making me feel awkward?

[ Laughs ] what did I do to make you feel awkward?

You said, "griffen, why are you so awkward?"

I didn't say that --

You said something about being awkward.

Oh, 'cause you were making me feel awkward.

Yeah, I didn't bring it up -- you did.

Why am I making you feel awkward?

'Cause I looked at you?

Everybody's looking at me.

Well, that's because everyone was

Wondering where you were for so long.

I was on the phone with my girlfriend,

Is that a problem?

You have friends over.

Like, you don't see them, while you were just with her.

-I know. -You also don't see me.

I was hanging out with you guys.

But, like, it's a little uncomfortable

That it's just a bunch of girls, me, you, and imani.

I love my girlfriend -- like, when she's not here,

And there's just a bunch of girls here,

That it does make me feel a little uncomfortable.

So, does she not trust you?

No, me and alexa trust each other very much,

And we love each other very much.

Soyou don't feel comfortable.

I would just feel more comfortable if she was here.

Obviously, me hanging out with a bunch of girls

Isn't gonna make her happy.

I guess I've matured a little bit and --

And I haven't?

It just -- we've separated a little bit,

And that's not necessarily a bad thing.

It doesn't mean I don't love you.

It doesn't mean I don't appreciate you --

Of course I appreciate you.

Sander: I'm sad that griffen and I are drifting apart.

I'm slowly realizing that

The relationship that griffen and I had

Isn't ever really going to be the same.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Chimes clinking ]

-Hey. -Hi.

-How are you? Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

Hi. I'm jolie. I'm jazz.

Jazz, you ready for your reading?

-Yes. -Come this way.

Jazz: today, I'm going to a psychic,

And I'm most interested in hearing about my love life.

I'm desperate for love.

I feel like it's a big part of my life

That's been missing,

And I'm excited to see where this goes

And who is gonna be interested in me

After I've had the surgery.

So, basically, I'm a clairvoyant channel.

That means I see, feel, and hear messages.

And I channel archangel michael,

So that's who I'm speaking.

So that's who's giving me the messages.

Okay.

Okay. Deep breath in.[ Inhales deeply ]

Exhale out.[ Exhales deeply ]

Please may I ask archangel michael

To come through for the most accurate,

Loving information, specifically for jazz jennings?

Jazz: julie begins receiving messages

From archangel michael,

And she is quickly scribbling them all down,

And it's just so fascinating to watch.

I want to know what the angels are saying about me.

♪♪

All right. Take this card deck,

And they're just angel cards -- not tarot or anything.

The first one that came out says "love life."

All right, love. Let's go there.

Love is something I've been kind of asking for a while.

And I haven't really ever been in a relationship.

I haven't even had my first kiss.

Okay, so, I'm seeing some stuff

As far as relationships for you.

This person that I see that's gonna come in your life

For a relationship is gonna come in march.

Okay? So march of .

March -- can that be tomorrow already?

So, this would be somebody that would be

A longer-term relationship for you, okay?

Okay, so, these next cards here --

This one's just talking about your health.

Am I allowed to scan you?

Sure.

♪♪

I just, um...

The first thing that I picked up --

I did feel a lot of energy around your crown chakra,

Which just means, like, you know,

You overthink a lot.

I also felt in your sacral chakra,

Which is our sexual organs.

So, that can just mean

That you're trying to figure out who you are.

They're saying, like --

There's something coming up for you,

And I feel like it's almost in june.

It's still -- it's really coming pretty soon,

So it's gonna be end of this june.

Okay. Health-related.

I keep seeing two, six, two, six.

It's two, six?

Two, six...

And it's june. It's this june.

It's june th.it's this june.

-Mm-hmm. -Okay.

Oh, wow. This girl is picking up on the surgery.

Okay.

Your guides are saying that

You need to really take care of your health in a way

To get yourself prepared for something.

To me it feels like some sort of procedure or something.

Your guides are telling you,

If you waited a little bit longer --

They would prefer like a year and a half --

Things will come out better for you because --

It's almost like whoever would be working on you,

They would help you in a better way.

It's just not a great time, cosmically.

And we're in four planetary retrogrades.

So when the planets move a different way

Than we're used to,

It affects us physically, mentally,

Emotionally, and spiritually.

Your guides are saying, like,

Whatever you got going on with this procedure --

Surgery, something --

Really look into it

Because you're not really supposed to do too many things

During a time of a retrograde.

The second jolie says that

I should try to push back the surgery,

My heart drops to my stomach.

I don't even know what to think.

Like, that freaks me out a little bit.

I feel like it's kind of too late already, though.

Like, the surgery --

We've been planning it for so many months,

And it's coming soon.

We have a surgeon, like, flying in from california

To come to new york, and...

So, your guides are telling you right now,

Like, they're gonna be with you.

But when you go in for your surgery,

Ask them to be present with you and the doctor

So, this way, they can do right by you.

I've been so excited for this surgery.

This is a huge change in my life.

But hearing this warning, I am just like,

"Oh, god, is there gonna be a complication?

Is something gonna go wrong?"

I'm gonna tell myself that it will go perfectly,

But I think jolie's warning may be in the back of my head,

No matter what.

♪♪

Next time on "I am jazz"...

Jeanette: jazz's surgery is looming,

Like a big tsunami.

I want to have a "farewell to penis" party.

[ Laughs ]

Let's say goodbye to her old penis.

♪ Da-da-da-da! ♪

Oh...my...god.

I will not eat that cake.

Jazz: I wanted to talk about

My upcoming gender confirmation surgery.

It's coming up june th.

You just said june th.

Greg: things that they share

Get picked up by media outlets.

It only takes one person.

Jeanette: now we have a security issue.

[ Laughs ]

Jazz: there's definitely a sense of happiness among the family.

We're all just so excited.

This surgery is gonna be a major turning point in my life.

Jeanette: juju chang is interested

In having us sit down -- just, like, a fluff piece.

I've watched so many of your interviews,

Like, with deborah roberts and katie couric.

Greg: juju references some critical interviews in the past.

It sits my guard up a little bit.

There are some people who will think,

"Well, maybe her parents brainwashed her."

This is not a fluff piece.

♪♪