06x04 - I'm Still Standing

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "I am jazz"...

For me, it looked like there was this, like, bulge,

And I think the urethra,

That should be a little bit smaller.

-So can that be fixed? -Yes.

To me, it looks like another round of surgery would be good.

Jazz: ugh! I'm just feeling defeated right now.

Would you guys be disappointed

If I did end up going to pomona over harvard?

Your direction is contrary to what we think is right.

I think what we need to do is visit harvard.

We have to visit.

Jazz: I need to give it a fair chance,

But at the end of the day, this is still my decision

Even if it does disappoint them.

I understand you don't like your body.

At , I don't think surgery

Is just the right answer like that.

-I have the body of a male. -Okay.

And I did try to take my life a couple times because of it.

We need to do this, like, asap.

But you go through these hormones at this age.

Nobody likes their body.

Jazz: I'm getting a little frustrated

Because she's not listening to anyone around her.

There's a lot I want to say. I got to go for a sec.

[ Sniffles ]

--Captions by vitac-- www.vitac.com

Captions paid for by discovery communications

♪♪

Do you think I could talk to you one-on-one, maybe?

Absolutely.

Um, there's just some things I want to say to you.

I don't...know.

♪♪

[ Sniffles ]

I just -- I -- I don't know how to...

Express this all right now.

I don't know how to say it all.

♪♪

[ Breathing sharply ]

I've been going through a lot on my own and...

[ Sighs ]

...you know, coming to terms with my own identity

And understanding myself.

[ Breathing sharply ]

My perceptions have ch-- changed on things.

[ Breathing sharply ]

It's just...

We do live in a physical world.

We live in a world where people look at each other

And judge each other based on what they see on the outside.

You know, you look at someone, and you immediately say,

"That's a man, that's a woman,"

When we're so much more than that.

If we really understand that there's a deeper part of us,

That there is more to all of us,

That our consciousness is who we truly are,

That's where it all lies, then we could really understand

And look at each other for who we are on the inside.

That's where the truth lies. That's where it is.

[ Crying ]

Well, that's what you've been trying to say.

-I said it. -You said it.

I got it out![ Laughter ]

You know, there's so many ways

I've been saying this in my head.

I'm like, "how do I get this across?"

Heather: you said it perfectly.

That was beautifully said and perfectly stated.

I'm sorry.

Jazz: I feel a huge wave of relief come over me

Once I'm able to articulate

The message that I was trying to share.

-Are you okay? -I'm good. I'm good.

Jazz: I'm really hoping nora understands from my message

Why transgender people transition in the way they do --

Because we live in this physical world

Where people judge each other based off of what they see.

And that's really important for transgender people

Because they want their inside feelings

To be reflected externally to other people.

You know, I think at the end of the day,

This is what jojo wants,

And she knows she wants this because people look at her --

She looks at herself and sees what's on the outside

And wants that to reflect what she feels internally.

Hopefully more people can kind of wake up

And see people as just people

And not, like, boy, girl or gay, straight, you know,

And just see a person for just themselves.

But unfortunately that's not the world we live in today.

I just wish the world realized that, you know?

They will in their own time.

We'll all be pansexual, genderless unicorns one day.

[ Laughter ] amen!

♪♪

Jeanette: I think that I'm gonna need to check a bag.

Greg: you don't need a garment bag.

You're not getting dressed up for anything?

No.

I'm packing away, getting ready

For the east coast trip tomorrow morning,

And we've got a lot on our plate.

Jeanette: going to dr. Ting.

Touring harvard.okay.

-We don't need to be dressy. -What else are you doing?

-The john quiñones, abc. -Oh, what's going on with that?

John quiñones has been doing "what would you do?"

And it's, like, a social experiment

Where they put people in situations

And see how they react.

And there's going to be a woman who's an actress

Making a big stink about a trans woman

Wanting to use the women's restroom.

And I've been a little hands-off with this particular project.

I don't like being a momager. Jazz is now.

She's so ready to take control of her advocacy work.

So, john quiñones and jazz

Will come out and make commentary.

She, you know, could have somebody who is contrarian.

Well, it sounds like it's very likely

That there's gonna be people that are unfavorable.

And I don't know how she's gonna feel

About confronting a person like that.

Jazz has a social-media presence,

And she's faced online hate.

She's been in town halls.

And she's had people say adverse things.

This time, it's a little bit different

Because they're creating a scenario,

And I don't how volatile the person's gonna be,

But I would hope for jazz's safety

That they won't put her in a dangerous position

For ratings' sakes.

If thereissomebody who's not nice, that's gonna suck.

Is she excited about it?

She's a little nervous, to be honest with you.

I've just told her to relax and just have fun with it.

I'm more concerned about the dr. Ting thing

Because she's having problems

With her urine flow going the wrong way.

Jeanette: I'm very anxious about this appointment with dr. Ting.

Part of me is bracing myself for the fact

That he might suggest a fourth surgery.

And jazz has told me she's had enough.

She really is not mentally prepared

To have another surgery.

But I'm not exactly optimistic at this point.

This has just been going on a bit too long.

She can't have another surgery now.

Well, now we're getting too close to going off to college.

That would totally interfere.

You're good with the fact

That I have to travel up and get back to work, right?

Yeah. There's not much you're gonna do at dr. Ting's.

There's not much you can do at abc.

But you need to be there for harvard.

Are we going anywhere secret this time

Where we need to blindfold anybody?

I don't think so. Maybe we should blindfold her

And put her in front of the most magnificent building in harvard

And be like, "ohh! Look at this!"

I know that jeanettereally wants jazz to go to harvard.

We got to sell this school to her.

So I wouldn't be surprised if jeanette

Has a couple tricks up her sleeve

To make harvard as appealing as possible.

I don't know. I think she'll get some clarity

Once she gets there and visits.

Well, she has to. She needs to come to a decision.

Yeah, within the next week and a half.

If you don't get it in on time, miss the deadline,

You lose your spot.

Don't give me anxiety. Please.

♪♪

♪♪

Jeanette: you know, you could even wear that to go to dr. Ting

And then you have the john quiñones thing,

So you have to look nice for that.

I'm wearing that dress right there.

I love this dress.

I'm thinking about dr. Ting right now, though.

My head is there.

I'm hoping that he says everything looks great

And that I don't need another surgery

Or that it's optional.god forbid.

Jazz: you know, I really thought after this third surgery

That everything would be smooth sailing,

But now there's this whole hiccup.

My pee stream

Is not quite going out in the right direction.

And just recently, I've been experiencing

Less clitoral sensation.

So, going into my appointment with dr. Ting,

I really want to ask him about that

Because, of course, I want to have clitoral function

For the rest of my life.

So, I don't know if I told you this or not,

But I was talking with jojo

About an effective way to raise money for noel

Because she needs to get this surgery.

And I know that if she doesn't get the money

That she may have to postpone it,

And I don't want that to happen.

No, no, no. We're gonna help.

So, we came up with the idea of throwing a drag show.

[ Laughs ] you're serious?

Yeah, because you could raise money from the tickets.

And I'm actually meeting up with peppermint.

Peppermint is a world-renowned transgender drag queen

Who was actually the runner-up

On "rupaul's drag race," season nine.

She's super-talented, such a bright spirit,

And I feel like peppermint is the perfect person

To help out with this drag show.

So I'm just gonna ask her, you know,

"How do I do this?

Where do I even begin

When it comes to conducting an event like this?"

Jeanette: it's fantastic that jazz is such a wonderful friend

And she wants to help noel and have a fundraiser,

But her own life right now is a little bit of a hot mess.

She's got a lot going on.

She might have to have a fourth surgery.

She's deciding whether she wants to go to harvard or not.

We're visiting the campus,

Then she has to make the big decision.

And now this other big project?

This might be too much for her.

♪♪

Jazz: [ sighs ] here again.

Are you scheduled to go back to school in september?

Yes, most likely.

I'm choosing between colleges still.

-You haven't decided? -Nope.

Okay. I'll let you know exactly when dr. Ting is ready.

-Perfect. -Thank you.

Elsa: you're welcome.

I'm curious to see what he's gonna say. I don't know --

What if he says, "hey, jazz, I really want you

To have a fourth surgery"?

I'm not sure. I don't even know when that would be,

What the recovery would look like,

If I'd be ready to go to college.

College starts end of august.

Yeah. It'll change the timetable for everything.

Ugh.

-Knock, knock. -Hello!

Hi. Oh, my god, look at you. Hi. Wow. You look great.

It's two months after her third surgery,

And since she left, I haven't really heard from her,

So I have no idea how she's doing.

So it's a big question mark.

-[ Sighs ] -so how's it going?

I think it looks really, really good, much better than before.

But there are a couple of concerns.

My urine is kind of sh**ting out in the wrong direction.

It's going out horizontally instead of vertically.

That is actually a very common complaint after this surgery.

-Oh, it is? -So...

I'll probably have to live the rest of my life like that?

No, it's actually a really easy fix.

Okay.

But we need to talk to marci, and it would require a surgery.

♪♪

My urine is kind of sh**ting out in the wrong direction.

That is actually a very common complaint after this surgery.

-Oh, it is? -Yeah.

And it would require a surgery.

Jeanette: this is exactly what I was afraid of.

I want her to be able to move on with her life.

Okay, let's wait till I see it.

Can't speculate till you've seen it.

And, like, pain-wise, do you have pain?

Not too bad. My clitoris has been a little sensitive.

I don't have the same, um, sensation that I did before,

But I still feel something poking out,

And that kind of hurts still, so...

It might be a stitch.

-I think that's what it is. -Does it feel sharp?

-Yeah. -Then it's a stitch.

There's a stitch there? Ooh. I didn't know that.

Yeah, so, those can be very uncomfortable.

So, any stitch that we find today, we'll take out.

Jazz: for some reason, I thought they were the dissolvable kind

Even though they hadn't dissolved

In the two months since the surgery.

So I didn't realize that, in this appointment,

Dr. Ting was gonna be pulling them out

From the most painful parts of my body.

Dr. Ting: okay. Let's have a look.

Okay. I'm gonna take out some of these stitches.

Jazz: ow.

-Sorry. -[ Inhales sharply ]

That's a tough place to have a stitch removed.

Oh. Ahh! Ahh.

I'm sorry.

Ow. [ Snip ]

-Are we done? -Want to hold my hand?

No. I'm sorry. We're not.

[ Exhales slowly ]

Ohh.

Jazz: everything in the surgery

Was nothing compared to this one moment of dr. Ting

Pulling out that stitch from my clitoris.

Sorry. There's one more.[ Inhales deeply ]

Sorry. Sorry.

Jeanette: shh. Okay.

This is probably one of the worst things

I've ever seen as a mom.

I've never seen jazz in that kind of pain.

[ Jazz whimpers ]okay. We're done.

That was the worst pain of my life. That was really bad.

Seriously? Okay. That means your --

I think your clitoris is totally intact.

Okay. That's good.

It looks beautiful. Mm-hmm.

This is, like, worlds better than where we were.

The last surgery, you know, was tough.

She had a lot of distortion.

She wasn't anywhere near where we wanted her to be.

But I feel like it went well.

Your incisions are really healing so nicely.

I am just over the moon. I'm happy.

Okay, so, should we call marci and let her chime in?

Jeanette: yeah. Let's do it.

Jazz: even though pulling out the stitches

Was the worst thing ever, I'm so relieved

That I have clitoral sensitivity.

At least one good thing came from that whole experience.

Dr. Ting: marci, I sent you a photo.

Jazz: however, that doesn't mean

That they won't recommend a fourth surgery.

I mean, I don't know what they're gonna say.

I thought it looked good, but you have a short urethra.

-Mm-hmm. -Mm-hmm.

I know jazz could have minor surgery

Because she's peeing the wrong way.

The pee is deflecting a little bit?

Jeanette: it's going horizontal.

It's going a little horizontal, kind of like diagonal.

Yeah, but I think it's hitting something,

And that's deflecting it, but actually the angle

That the urethra exits the body is perfect.

I think there's just some skin

That's in the way that it's hitting.

So, do you think the skin will -- is it swollen now

And then it'll go down and then it'll be fine?

It can go down. You're only two months out.

The way things look, if you just asked me,

"Do I need surgery?"

I would say no, not now.yay!

I would say -- I would say wait.

You need to give that at least six months

If not a year before you do anything about that,

Because there is still gonna be swelling of the tissues,

And that could easily change the urethral direction.

-Okay. -Cool. Awesome.

I am just feeling so, so good

To know that I can finally put it all behind me

And just heal and feel confident and comfortable in my body

And not have to worry about any more procedures.

It's just the best feeling ever.

-She's really happy, though. -Yeah.

And it's only gonna get better and continue healing with time.

And it's only gonna get better.

Yep.

♪♪

I'm just a giant ball of relief right now.

You look relieved.

Uh-huh. I feel great. Do you want to call dad?

I'm ready to tell him.

Jeanette: I'm so excited to tell greg that we got good news

'Cause we've had a lot of bad news, uh, in the past.

Greg: hello.

Both: hello!

Live from new york!

Can you tell by our voices that we're happy?

You sound like you're happy. Yeah.

Well...it's music to my ears.

Everything went well.

Dr. Ting was very happy with the way things turned out.

I don't need another operation.

That's amazing.

So, for sure, %,

You do not need any other surgeries?

It's not %.

Six months down the road,

I think they're gonna offer me a surgery,

But that it's gonna be optional.

That's awesome.

I'm really relieved that jazz doesn't need

The fourth procedure and that it's not gonna

Get in the way of jazz going off to college.

Love you so much. Bye.

I'm excited to be done with this chapter of her life,

And I'm really looking forward to going to cambridge,

To visiting harvard with jazz and jeanette,

And hopefully starting the next thing.

I am the luckiest kid on the planet.

I am the luckiest mommy on the planet.

♪♪

-Jazz! Hey! -Hello!

Hey.

-Hi. -Hello, gorgeous.

The last time I saw peppermint was at the denim premiere.

Oh, my gosh. Congratulations.

-Thank you for coming. -Absolutely.

Jazz: she just feels like a family member to me,

Like my fairy godmother.

The reason why I wanted to meet up with you

Is because my friend noel is getting her bottom surgery,

But her insurance company is not covering the procedure,

So I was thinking about throwing a drag show.

-Aah! -I know.

And we're gonna sell the tickets

And do a whole fundraising thing.

She's looking to raise $,,

And that's a lot of money, you know?

I want to be able to pull it off and help her out.

We definitely need something big and splashy

For this drag fundraiser, so who else would I meet up with

In organizing a drag show than a drag queen herself?

There is one catch to this all.

So, noel, she kind of has her own opinions about drag.

She doesn't really like drag that much

Because she thinks it makes people confused

About transgender people and they're like,

"Oh, are you a drag queen or are you transgender?"

And it just causes more confusion.

Butyouare a transgender drag queen,

So I don't know if you could maybe --

If you'd be willing to talk to her

And help provide your own perspective.

Honey, there's no way that she won't be in love with drag...

I know....after I talk to her.

Yes! [ Laughter ]

Jazz: even though noel isn't a fan of drag,

I know that she's not completelyopposed to it.

I just don't think she's been exposed to it that much.

So I'm hoping that we could get her on board with this idea.

Drag is just so popular right now.

Everyone wants to go to a drag show.

It's so much fun, and I feel like

It'll be effective in raising the money.

Well, I just have no idea how to even throw a drag show,

So I'm enlisting you to help me out,

Give me some tips, let me know how to...

Happy to help....get started with this.

-I'm down, girl. -What do I do?

First, you find a location.okay.

And then we got to get the performers.

-Yes. -That's a big thing.

If you want backup dancers

Or just, like, you know, like, some of the extras --

Because you got to have extras when you're doing drag.

It's all about the extras.okay.

Hair. You know, like -- we want to drag hair, right?

-Yeah. -You have to have the hair.

You have to have the look. You have to have all that.

Peppermint: I think jazz's heart is in the right place,

But if she doesn't do this right, it can...

I mean, bad drag is not good. [ Laughs ]

I think if you can get a name attached to it

That's also big in the drag community,

Then it'll -- I'm sure it'll help.

Um, yeah.

I do feel like there is a lot of pressure.

There are just a ton of things to do,

But I'm praying that we're gonna pull it off.

Woman: we are ready to roll.

Jazz: I'm really hoping that people are gonna stick up

For the transgender woman's rights.

Where's the ladies' room?

Woman: the ladies' room is just right over there.

No, is that a joke? Should be using the men's bathroom.

This is crazy. My stomach is, like, in knots right now.

♪♪

-Hello. -Jazz!

Mmm!

-Thank you for joining us. -Of course.

Jazz: for this "what would you do? sh**t,

My role is to sit as the spectator

Watching the scene unfold, and I'm gonna provide

My input as the transgender expert

To talk about the bathroom issue.

So, this is where the actors are gonna be.

The mother and daughter at this table.

-The food's already set up. -Yeah.

The scene that they're creating is really, really cool.

A transgender woman wants to go to the bathroom,

But some patrons of the restaurant

That she's at actually stop her and say,

"No, you're a man. You can't use that restroom."

And they're trying to garner a response from the people around.

And the hidden cameras are all over the place.

Do you see them back there, one of them?

Okay.

And there's another one over there.

-Wow. -People usually can't tell.

They think they're security cameras.

Jazz: I'm a little apprehensive

Because this sh**t is very different

Than some of my other experiences.

Usually, I am in an interview setting,

And I'm just answering questions about my story.

Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm jazz.

We're so happy to have you here.

However, in this situation, I'm gonna be speaking out

For the entire trans community, and I'm just really concerned

That I won't express myself in some way

And won't represent the trans community

In the way I intended to.

Quiñones: so, we're gonna be out here.

This is the sprinter where we hang out in here with my crew

And we watch everything develop, so come on in.

Jazz: oh, wow.

There'll be seven panels, and you see every camera angle.

So one of the actors --

One of the real people out there --

I say "real people," but one of the regular customers

Who are reacting to what's going on.

How many years have you been doing this?

Years ago we started doing this show.

We take issues that we rip from the headlines

Like the transgender issue,

But also racism and bullying

And spousal abuse, immigration.

Now I think the show is more timely than ever.

Woman: hi, john. We are ready to roll.

Ooh!

We are about to start rolling on the first scene.

-All right. Here we go. -Awesome.

Quiñones: we're at the randolph diner in randolph, new jersey,

Where nadia, our transgender actress,

Has a very simple question.

Sorry. Where's the ladies' room?

The ladies' room? The ladies' room is just right over there.

Okay. Thank you so much.

Quiñones: but our mom at a nearby table...

Wait. I'm sorry. You asked for the women's bathroom?

...sees this as a problem.

-Yeah. Yeah. -Oh. No, no, no.

-Is that a joke or something? -Excuse me.

Well, you think you're a woman, right?

You're really a man, so you should be using the men's bathroom.

This is crazy. My stomach is, like, in knots right now.

-We're just getting started. -I know! [ Laughs ]

I'm really hoping that people are gonna stick up

For the transgender woman's rights

And defend her in whatever way possible.

Men should go in the men's bathroom.

I mean...

Quiñones: he defends nadia...

I'm sorry. What did you say?

...while his friend makes her way out of the booth.

-She's going with her? -Yep.

-Wow. She's going -- -wow.

Woman: excuse me. Why did you do that?

Well, what message is this to my daughter?

[ Laughter ] yes!

I knew I liked the green-hair girl.

Quiñones: with that...here we go.

...we decide to introduce ourselves.

Hi, guys. How are you? It's "what would you do?"

You got involved. Tell us why.

Because it was just wrong. It was discriminatory.

And I felt like it was just, even regardless of that,

It was hurting someone's feelings.

You were very kind and gentle. Do you know jazz jennings?

-I do. -Well, guess what. She's here.

Hello! Nice to meet you all.

So, as you may know, I'm transgender myself

So seeing you stick up for this woman over here

Was just incredible to me.

And what you said specifically, how you just need

To love everyone, I really, really appreciated that,

And I appreciate all of you, so nice to meet you all.

-Nice to meet you, too. -Nice to meet you, too.

Jazz: I was pretty surprised to see people

Who were very supportive and outspoken.

I feel like even though there are still people

Who don't support transgender individuals,

This world has come a long way.

We've made a lot of progress.

Quiñones: all right. What a day. What a day, huh?

-What a day! -This was great.

-That was fun! -How did you like it, huh?

It was really awesome.

Yeah. Listen. Thank you so much for shining a light

On this important issue. You know, you did great.

Thankyoufor shining a light on this important issue.

Ohh. What a pleasure. Let's do it again.

Thank you. Yes. Okay. Take care.

Jazz: today my goal was to be a good representation

For the trans community, and I feel like I did that.

This project helps us understand each other better

And humanize one another.♪ Hello ♪

So I do feel like I was part of something

That is going to make a difference for a lot of people.

Pretty incredible to see the different responses from people.

There was a lot of positive responses,

Which really warmed my heart to see people,

You know, sticking up for the transgender woman saying,

"That's wrong that you're making a scene,"

Or, "mind your own business."

You know those buttons? I have one of those buttons that say,

"I'll go with you."

We need to stop looking at people

For their external appearance and really start understanding

Who we are on the inside.

I mean, for the rest of my life,

I'm gonna continue communicating my message.

Overall, I do think the sh**t was successful.

I was really happy with the way things turned out.

You know, I really think that it's gonna open a lot of eyes

When people watch this program.

♪♪

So, here we are. Boston! Wow.

It's time.

I know.

Jazz: now that new york is behind me,

I have to make my decision about where I'm going to college.

I love pomona. It really feels like

It's its own little utopia, hidden world,

And it just felt like I was meant to be there.

But my parents are really, really pushing harvard,

And until I officially declare

That I'm gonna be attending harvard,

I don't think my parents are gonna rest.

-Hello! I'm back. -Hello.

I went to get some of boston's finest pastries.

Did you get me a boston cream-filled donut?

-Well, let's see. -Why'd you get these?

You know I'm being healthy.

I wanted you to see at least some of the goodies

That when you're not being healthy

That boston has to offer that you don't get back home.

That's all I get. That one bite. That's it.

I know that she is just trying to woo me over

To come here to boston

By giving me all of the delicacies of the city.

Ugh! Ehh.

It's not gonna work.

So, are you excited to see whatelseharvard has to offer?

I just want to go with the flow, feel it out.

What would make you not think it's the right school for you?

I don't know. I could love it

But still just feel like something is missing --

Like maybe I don't belong there or I'm not meant to be there.

So I'm really just gonna intuitively know

If that's the place for me or not.

-Your gut. -That's the approach I take,

Is to feel if I want to be there or not.

Greg: I don't think going with your gut is sufficient.

Jazz needs to understand what she's giving up

If she doesn't go to harvard.

I mean, she has to see it.

Well, I've arranged for you to meet a student.

That's good. I need to meet a student.

His name is eric, so it's a guy.

Perspective. You never know.

What are you trying to say?

I don't know. Maybe, you know...

Because he's a guy you think it's a love interest?

No. It -- well -- [ laughs ]

I'm not going into the situation saying,

"Oh, it's gonna be a love interest."

I really just want to talk to students

So I could gain their perspective

And really know what life is like at harvard.

You do realize that this decision

Has to be made within the next week.

I know.

Let's go check it out. Let's go see.

Let's get the vibe. Let's see how it feels.

Greg: I think once jazz has gone on the tour of harvard,

She's gonna love it.

This school sells itself.

So are we gonna walk there or are we gonna row there?

[ Laughter ]

Ugh.

♪♪

-It's really nice here. -It's really pretty.

Greg: now that you're here, what are you feeling?

What is going through your mind?

I don't know. I have really, really high expectations.

So we'll see if harvard can live up to those expectations.

Yeah. Well...

I just want to walk through the campus leisurely,

Look around, feel it, take it all in.

All right. Let's go check it out.

It's really pretty.

Jeanette: gorgeous.

Jazz: when I visited pomona, it really felt like

I would find a lot of joy if I attended there,

So I'm really looking for that same feeling

Or something that exceeds that feeling, honestly.

Greg: school's so vibrant.

So much going on here. It's amazing.

Jeanette: we're bebopping around harvard yard,

And it is beautiful.

It's not even spring yet.

The flowers are just about to bloom, and it's just alive.

You can just feel the level of intellectual beings there.

Greg: did you know harvard is older than calculus?

[ Chuckles ]

You can see it's a melting pot.

I feel like I'm at the u.n., And it's beautiful.

It's full of life, energy.

I was getting good vibes, and I hope jazz was getting

Good vibes, and it's a place thatiwould want to live.

Greg: you feeling it, jazz?

What are you feeling?

It's amazing.

Greg: that's it? Just amazing?

Even though I'm really big on vibes and feeling it out,

There's definitely gonna be more

That goes into this decision rather than just my feelings.

-That was a lot to take in. -Mm-hmm.

You think you got what you need?

Yeah. I think I felt it out.

And now it's just gonna be me really making

A pros and cons list

And dissecting all of the small details

And figuring it out from there, so...

Greg: so, after seeing harvard,

Jazz still says that she's gonna make a list.

I really thought that harvard was gonna be the clear victor,

But it doesn't look like that's the case.

I'll make the right choice no matter what

'Cause I can't go wrong.

Both schools are just so remarkable.

I know that if I don't choose harvard

That my parents are gonna be devastated,

And that definitely does factor into my decision.

Not gonna lie -- I'm a little stressed.

I just don't want to let them down.

There's no doubts in my mind this is the place to be for you.

I don't know.

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey. -Hello.

-How are you? -Hi.

-Nice to meet you. Eric. -Nice to meet you.

My mom has set me up to meet with a harvard student,

And I'm really excited because I'm still struggling

With this decision.

I just want to hear from you.

What has your experience been like at harvard?

Sure. Okay, so, I came, and I was pretty terrified

Of, like, everyone was, like, the student-body president

Or everyone was kind of amazing in their own way.

And, like, I didn't really know where I fit into that, per se.

And I think that's really common for a lot of first years.

Jazz: I just really want to know that I could find a home there

And that I could find happiness.

So, did you have a tough decision to make

Between harvard and another school or...?

Sure. So, I was deciding between harvard

And the university of michigan.

-Okay. -And I think, for me,

Like, when I found out that I got into harvard,

I basically knew.

What about you? Do you have a...?

It's been a little bit different for me.

I'm kind of stuck between two schools right now --

Harvard and pomona in california...

Ohh! Whoa. Okay.

...which is a liberal arts college.

So it hasn't been easy for me at all.

And I still don't know what I'm gonna do.

And you have to make this decision in a couple days.

Yeah, literally.

So of course I want to make the right choice,

But I also just don't want to let anyone down,

Specifically my parents.

I know they really do want me to go to harvard

And, you know, I might end up going there.

But if I don't, I just don't want them to be upset.

And I feel like that's been... Weighing on my mind a lot, so...

That must be, like, an incredibly hard thing

To, like, grapple with.

Yeah.

I just want to --

I want everyone to support me with my decision,

And I just don't know if I'll have that support or not

Depending on the choice I make.

♪♪

Greg: you and I know from experience

That it's a no-brainer, you know?

I think a degree from harvard is unparalleled.

I mean, it just -- it is.

It's very nerve-racking that jazz has not made a decision.

And I think she's feeling a little bit stressed out.

Do you think that meeting with eric is gonna be helpful?

Yeah, I think he will definitely be able

To offer some good advice,

And maybe she'll learn a lot from him,

And it'll help her make her ultimate decision.

Greg: I think jazz has to come to grips

With whether or not she's ready for something

That is even bigger than herself.

That's a big decision. I know it's weighing heavy on her.

But what if shedoesn't decide to go to harvard?

What if she decides this isn't where she belongs?

You gonna be okay?

Just like a bad feeling right now.

We don't know how this is gonna go.

It could all go, you know, sunshine and roses,

But it could also get a little ugly.

Areyougonna be okay?

You know, part of me wants to say, "just go."

We're both emotionally invested in harvard,

But jeanette is taking it harder

Because pomona is all the way out to the west coast,

And I think if jazz doesn't go to harvard,

I don't know how jeanette's going to react,

And I think it's getting the better of her right now.

I need to get through her decision.

♪♪

Out of curiosity, what are you thinking of doing later on?

[ Sighs ] honestly,

I don't have an exact career path.

I know I want to get into the social sciences, philosophy,

Gender, religion. Sure. Yeah.

And I want to continue being a humanitarian of sorts.

But I don't know exactly what that is going to entail.

But I feel like a lot of harvard students,

Their mind-set is success, success, success,

And there was definitely a sort of intensity

That I was feeling from the campus.

Sure. Sure, sure.

Would you say that's definitely a thing, then?

I think that what you're saying, like, that definitely exists.

Jazz: I am just feeling a little bit intimidated by that

Because I know I can be a perfectionist

And I put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed.

And at harvard, where everyone is achieving

At such a high level, I'm gonna feel this pressure

To want to achieve at that high level, too.

So I'm just worried that the environment of harvard

May not be good for my mental health.

It's been a really personal process,

You know, just, like, kind of figuring out what I want to do

And where I want to go and what I want out of a school.

I just don't even know for myself.

Yeah.

I really validate that, like, you're nervous

'Cause it's nerve-racking to think about like,

"Am I even, like, cut out for a place like this?"

I don't really know you that well, right?

But I know that you care about things that are really important

And, like, making some kind of change.

I think that's the common thread that links harvard students.

They all have some kind of passion

And compassion for something.

I just feel like I don't have the drive for harvard...

That's required of harvard students, you know?

I don't know. I just don't know if I'm ready

To put myself in that situation

Where there is that immense pressure

And you have to have that drive to succeed

And you have to kind of know what you want.

When I'm kind of just more like casual,

Like, I just want to live life and figure it out step by step

And not feel that pressure

To have that harvard label attached to me.

Yeah. So I don't know what I'm gonna do. At all.

♪♪

-Sad that dad is gone? -Yes.

And I'm glad he got to tour harvard with us, though.

'Cause that was the most important thing, you know?

Yeah.

Jeanette: greg needed to leave early to get back to work,

And we're right behind him, and I think that this drive

Is an opportunity for me to speak to jazz

Because greg and I have been very, very, very patient.

But this situation is getting irritating.

What did, uh, eric say?

He really helped me realize

That for the most part everyone is just very passionate

And they're ready to take on the whole world

And make their mark, so...

And are those people you want to surround yourself with?

Yeah. Totally.

So what's your biggest fear in all this?

I just don't know. I think I have to want to live there

And feel like I belong.

And I did feel like I would find my place,

Find my home at harvard.

But I also felt that at pomona.

I absolutely % do not want you living in california.

Okay.

I feel that it's too far for now.

You've had -- you've had --

You're just too unstable to be that far from home.

If you're gonna tell me that I'm too unstable

To move out to california, then that's not fair.

Jazz: you know, that really hurts me

Because I do have a lot of mental-health issues

With anxiety and depression,

But I don't think that should be a reason

Why I choose not to attend a certain school.

Because it's only an extra two hours to california.

Do you think it's selfish of me if I do decide

To go out to california and go to school there

Or do you think it's selfish of you

If you tell me not to go out to california?

I don't really know about the word "selfish"

When talking about this.

You got into the top school, and what it can offer you is --

Very few -- very few places

Can offer you what that can offer you.

And why wouldn't you want that as a parent?

Why wouldn't you want that for your kid?

Why wouldn't you? Any parent would want that for their kid.

So, yeah, I'm selfish because I want my kid to have the best.

And I don't think that's fair that you're fighting this.

I don't think you're giving it a fair chance.

I think all along it's been like --

I might go to harvard still.

You don't know what I'm gonna do.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

You're asking my opinion.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I just don't want to make you upset.

Well, that, to me, says you want to go pomona.

Honestly, this is just driving me crazy.

Well, I don't want to talk about it anymore, and we're done.

It's all out there. I've said what I have to say.

You've said what you have to say.

♪♪

♪♪

How do you guys feel? This is a big day.

It's decision time.

-You look a little nervous. -I'mverynervous.

What if you don't like her decision?

Jazz won't let us know her final decision

Until she comes outside and has the whole family together.

-Well, hello! -Hi, guy.

Jeanette: this has been an emotional roller coaster,

And I want to just get this over with,

Pull the band-aid off.

So, grandma, what is jazz choosing?

-She told you already, right? -No, we know nothing.

What? I thought you'd know first.

That's why we're here.

Jack: you don't think she's known all along?

Greg: well, she's been deliberating.

She's really been thinking about the schools,

And I think she's trying to figure out

Which is the best choice

Both for her currently and for her long-term goals.

So it hasn't been game playing. She's really been --

I don't think it's been game playing at all.

And we need to hear that from her.

Jack: you know, when we went away to college,

We had our challenges, but jazz has more than one challenge.

It's the whole transgender issue.

She's going into a new social milieu.

How is she gonna fit into this?

She hasn't had to deal with this.

So it's more than just going away and taking courses.

She has to make adjustments as a transgender adult now.

She's the one that has to face the consequences of her choice.

[ Sighs ] okay.

Jazz: I'm feeling very overwhelmed and anxious

Because I am no longer weighing the decision

Between pomona and harvard.

I have done everything I needed to do,

And I've made my final conclusion,

And I know where I'm going.

We're just open to whatever you think is right for you.

That's the bottom line. We're along to see you through.

I appreciate you saying that.

It is my decision to make.it certainly is.

[ Breathes deeply ]

Let's talk about the decision-making process.

Yeah.

So, we ended up visiting harvard,

And I definitely felt a lot there.

I felt like if I went to harvard

That I would be pushed to new heights

And that I would challenge myself in a way

That I had never been challenged before

And that it would push me to reach my full potential.

However, that makes me a little bit nervous

Because I've been lazy in the past,

And laziness has always been my primary obstacle.

But pomona is not a piece of cake, either.

No, it's not.

You have to work hard in pomona from what I understand.

That's true. I would have to work really hard

At pomona, as well.

But...

Jacky: take a deep breath.

Jeanette: like, say something.

I'm sweating. My mother is sweating.

Greg: jazz is making this very dramatic.

As you can see, a lot has gone into this.

Um...

♪♪

So I just...

Ohh!

Jacky: don't fall down. We need you upright.

♪♪

Next time on "I am jazz"...

You're looking good.

We wanted to throw a drag fundraiser

To help you raise money for your surgery!

I've always had not a good perception of drag.

How many guys do you have doing this?

Um, right now I only have sander.

I am not really sure how jazz is gonna pull it all together.

Jazz: work, work.

I need performers for this event.

I wanted to ask you three if you want to perform in drag.

♪♪

Do you think you guys could actually raise $,?

$,?

Jazz: I'm just worried. What if idofail?

Depression's over here, and the binge eating over there,

And at any time they can come to the surface.

I feel like there is a -pound weight

Weighing on my shoulder,

And it's triggering my binge eating.

I shouldn't be making these mistakes again.

A monster is just consuming me.