07x08 - Wake Up Call

[bunniefuu]

I love your arm movement.

[woman] Previously on I Am Jazz...

-Oh! -[both laughing]

Oh, are you down?

It's my first formal date with a transwoman,

and Hope and I are gelling really well.

I know there's chemistry there.

Oh, yeah, we're doing it.

..

I don't judge her by that but it's a little scary.

I do eat breakfast. It's fast food. Donut or two and two bagels.

So, this is your meal planning sheet.

[Jazz] Not gonna lie, it's really, really overwhelming.

Come on! Jog it back.

[Sander] She's breathing pretty heavy right now. So, I'm concerned.

I know she wants to live a happy and healthier life.

Keep going!

I took it for granted when I was thinner,

and now having all this extra weight,

I can't do so many incredible things with my body that I used to be able to do.

Thank you all for coming out to this amazing event to help us raise money awareness

-and overall kindness for Black transwomen. -[all cheering]

Here we are celebrating these four people who are beautiful and amazing,

and deserved to be heard.

Give us our roses while we're still here.

This event is just beyond of what I thought this event would be.

-Jazz? -Yeah.

The crew is here.

-[speaking indistinctly] -No, they're here.

Come on.

You didn't take your meds. You gotta get up.

Everybody's here. They're waiting for you.

Come on.

I know.

[Jeanette] The nutritionist is coming over to the house today

and you need to get ready.

I need you to get up, take your meds.

This isn't gonna cut it. At Harvard, I'm not gonna be here to get you up.

Mm-hmm.

Today, I tried to wake Jazz up.

Three times.

Jazz, I'm doing the cold water thing.

-No, don't. No, don't. -Yes, I am. Then get up.

Get up.

That's three times too many.

She's years old, she should be able to set an alarm,

and get up on her own.

Come on.

I do believe it's related to her health maybe

being overweight and her medicine, I'm not sure.

But she's really out when she's out.

It's :.

I tried to get you up at :.

You said you'd get up.

Let's put the light on.

[Jeanette] At least Greg and I are around to prevent her from oversleeping.

What's gonna happen when we're not around?

Read to me what's supposed to be done and at what time.

Supposed to wake up at : am.

-Mm-hmm. -It's already :.

I still have time to do these things. It's okay.

It's not okay.

You always say it's okay. It's very frustrating for me to watch this.

It's hard to get out of bed because you have to face the entire day.

There's so many different expectations placed on me

by my family and Harvard.

I'm trying to lose weight, I have an internship, I'm having to get to college,

and I still haven't heard back from Harvard about my reacceptance,

and it's pretty nerve-wracking.

I feel like I'm on edge because,

"Oh, it'd be heart-breaking if I don't make it this fall."

-Look at Nemo. -I don't care about Nemo. I love him

but right now I care about you.

-I'm frustrated-- what? -What do you expect from me right now?

-What are you expecting from me right now? -I'm worried. I'm just worried

-Let's go downstairs and-- -You should start your day, everyday with your medication,

weigh-in and coffee.

-How's that? -Okay. Let's go.

I don't wanna weigh myself everyday.

I'm so not happy with my body and my health,

I don't feel the way I wanna feel.

So, let's make good coffee.

But I know what I need to do. I know what steps I need to take to better myself.

I'm just having a hard time with everything else that's going on in my life.

-I need to get this under control. -Yeah.

So how? What's the plan?

-I have to do it on my own. -You tried everything.

-You can't do anything. I'm not gonna have you. -But you can't.

-You can't do it on your own. -I can do it on my own.

You haven't proven that.

-I just have to set an alarm and mentally prepare for it. -It doesn't...

matter if you set an alarm.

How are you ever gonna go to college?

When it comes to Jazz being ready to go to college,

she is not ready yet, she needs some help,

she needs some discipline and she needs to take this very seriously.

-Well, you're gonna-- -Do that.

Failing miserably.

-Like, really bad. -I'm not failing miserably.

We as a team. We.

If you're not getting out of bed and you can't go to class,

how are you gonna go to school?

[music playing]

[cat meowing]

-What's this? -Oh, that's my smoothie.

-It's the thickest smoothie that I've ever created. -It smells terrible.

How's Hope doing?

Good. I just talked to her.

Hope and I haven't spoken since the Black Trans Lives Matter event.

And honestly, the bowling date was definitely a little bit awkward.

I wanna figure out, is this gonna end up being a third date.

Look, is there gonna be a third date, Sander?

And I'm not really sure if our friendship, relationship

is evolving past anything other than a friendship.

Obviously, we haven't closed any doors.

-What's up, everybody? -[Sander] What's up?

-Hi! -Just scrambled some eggs.

The nutritionist is gonna be here soon.

Everybody be ready for that.

-[Jazz groans] -[laughs]

Jazz, how have you done with Ryann's meal program?

No bueno.

I think, Jazz, uhm... [exhales]

-[Jazz] Hello! -Hello!

Look at her.

Sparkles has made an entrance.

[Jeanette] You are. You're sparkling.

Actually I think I like that one better than the other one.

Oh, I like this one a lot better than the other one.

I'm trying out these wigs and contacts so that I can create new looks.

I like the little pigtails, it's really cute.

But it doesn't look as good as Sandra Bullock's.

-[music playing] -[all cheering]

No, Sandra Bullocks is busted.

High-five. Ha! Missed.

That was nice.

There's a knock on the door.

-Knock on the door. -Excuse me. Excuse me.

[Jazz] I wonder if she will recognize me.

You look so different than when we last saw her.

-Hello! Welcome to our home! -Hi! Hi!

We've got Jazz and Ari here today.

-Here they are in the kitchen! -[Jazz] Hello!

-Hi, guys! Oh my gosh! -My hair looks like your hair a little bit.

-Look at this! It looks so awesome! -Let me give you a hug.

I think it's great to experiment with your looks.

And you know, sometimes that's what it takes to make us feel good about ourselves.

Instead of going towards food,

what can I do to make myself feel better here?

You know, you can't go wrong with curls, 'cause they just-- they just...

[Jazz] They're so fun.

So today's agenda is to see how Jazz is doing with her meal plan.

Did the bingeing keep happening?

And then also we wanna get in her kitchen and take a look at

what types of foods does she eat?

Does she have binge foods in the house?

So, Jazz, can you give me a little bit of an idea

of how things went from the last time you and I chatted?

Okay, so the next day we did follow through with the breakfast meal.

Uh, mom made egg, ham and cheese sandwich, and after that I just

-didn't even follow anything. -[Jeanette] She ordered in.

Basically I suck at being healthy.

-You have an eating disorder, -I have an addiction.

-For sure. -Yes.

[Ryann] It's not surprising that Jazz is going to all these fast food restaurants

and eating disorder is similar to a drug addiction.

What do you say we go check out the cabinets?

-All right. Let's do it. -Let's do it.

[Ryann] So the foods that she actually enjoys eating,

we've gotta get 'em written down on a grocery list,

purchased and in the house.

So that way they can make something that sounds good to Jazz.

Let's see.

What about this first of all?

-What are those? -These are-- it's a heart healthy mixed nuts.

Do you ever eat nuts? Could you see yourself eating nuts?

[Jazz] Not those nuts.

What do we got here?

-Okay. Okay. -I don't eat that almond butter.

-She doesn't eat any of this. -[laughs]

[Ryann] All right. What about... what is this?

Oatmeal.

-Where would it go? -Um...

Either fats or proteins?

-Oh, grains. Grains. -Nope. It goes under grains.

-Yeah, stupid me. I'm so stupid. -So...

What would you do with a protein?

Bacon.

Are you doing almond milk?

-Almond? Great. -Yeah, I prefer skimmed milk over almond milk anyways.

-Do it. -So, I'll put it down.

Do you use ketchup?

-I love ketchup. -Do you use a lot of ketchup?

Yeah, don't you put it on like a whole plate?

Yeah, I could show you how much ketchup I use for my meals.

Okay. Here we go.

-Here we go. -This is what she does.

All right. Go like this.

About that much.

Okay.

Is this too large of a serving?

-[Ari laughs] -A little bit too much.

And I'll finish it. I'll finish all that.

-It's probably like... -[Jazz] Mm!

That's probably more appropriate.

No more ketchup puddles like that.

And no more fast food. I'm committing to the fast food.

[Jeanette] Jazz will admit that she does things wrong

but we've yet to see her really fix these problems.

And it's very frustrating and it's painful.

I'm really hoping that you can apply some of these things that we talked about today.

-That we can look at some food journaling. -Okay.

-And taking a little bit closer look at the emotions. -All right.

Recovering from an eating disorder is one of the most difficult things.

-Until next time. Bye. -You're welcome. I'll see you.

-Bye. -One more hug.

I really hope she does the homework.

It will really help me guide her if I know how she's feeling.

And we can maybe talk a little about some alternative

things she can do instead of going towards food.

So you, my nutrition buddy.

-Nutrition buddy. -We're gonna get on this.

Mm-hmm.

But if it comes to a point where I'm like,

coming to you to do it, and you're just like, "No, I'm not gonna try."

Like, I'm not gonna waste my energy, you know?

Sorry, I wasn't listening to you. I was too busy living my own fantasy.

Yep.

And I've still seen you order in and...

No, I haven't ordered in, in a little while actually.

I'm kind of tired of my family being on top of me

over and over again when it comes to food.

-You want it? Go get it. -You're attacking me right now.

You're the one lying to yourself.

♪ 'Cause I've got you♪

♪ And you've got me ♪

♪ Everything's gonna be all right now ♪

♪ 'Cause I've got you♪

♪ And you've got me ♪

♪ Everything's gonna be all right now ♪

-Hi! I was gonna scare you. -Hi! Oh!

-[both laughing] -Hi!

-How are you? I haven't seen you in forever. -I know.

Well, I was in New York.

-You'll have to tell me what New York was all about. -Yes, we'll have to catch up.

-Let's order and then we'll go sit, yeah? -Okay. Okay.

[Jeanette] With Jazz, it's always something.

I'm tired of getting burnt. Getting my hope up

that she's going to change and then

I turn around the next day and we're back to the same old habits.

It'll be nice for me to finally get a break.

-Okay, I'm almost ready to vent. -Okay.

I am ready to hear you vent. [laughs]

Are you gonna clearly go brew something?

I've been really weird lately.

I've been really like, just punching in kind of like,

I don't know what's going on.

You know we've been dealing with Jazz's weight.

Yeah.

Like if she keeps gaining and gaining weight,

-your heart-- her heart can give out at the age of . -I know.

I've been a helicopter parent.

Because she has had mental illness which has stood in her way.

And she's got this whole area of stuff that she's gonna have to do

up at school that nobody else has.

Everyday Jazz takes eight pills in the morning and nine pills at night

and they are her lifeline.

If she did not take these medicines, she would be very sick.

So, I feel like we need to like, refocus

more on you, we need to get into some Jeanette fun.

I know that your anniversary is coming up,

have you picked out something for Greg yet?

No, Greg... he always wants stuff that he gets for himself.

I have thought of something that we could do

and it's a gift he couldn't get himself.

He could not give himself

a boudoir photo sh**t of his gorgeous wife.

[Jeanette] My first reaction is like,

not in this body, it had four babies and it's old.

You game?

What do you think?

I'm -years old and things just don't sit the same way

as they used to.

Yeah, no, the negative self-talk happening here,

-I'm gonna veto all of it. -Okay.

Now you're getting to go back to the sexy Greg and Jeanette time.

And I think he will love it.

-And I think-- -I think he will.

I think also, you will maybe love you a little bit more,

than you're sounding like, right now.

As long as it's not too risque.

No.

Like, I had a friend that did this and she was like, topless.

I'm like, "Oh, no, no, no, no."

Well, we'll keep it tasteful, we'll keep you happy in it.

My th wedding anniversary is coming up.

And a boudoir photo sh**t is right up Greg's alley.

Because he likes women's lingerie.

He has different colored ones, like,

"I like the red one," "Put on the green one," you know.

It's really hard to replace those, and stuff like,

they're so old they don't quite fit me the same way they used to.

Let's do like a Fifty Shades of Grey, you know.

[Jeanette giggling] A whip and some chains!

Wait, wait, a Fifty Shades of Greg.

[both laughing]

This is the greatest idea I've ever had that it's lead to this.

[laughing]

What's up? I'm up, you up?

I'm up, what's up?

-How you doing? -I'm okay.

-Just thinking, thinking, thinking. -How was your day?

What is that, kiwi?

No, it's starfruit. I'm assuming Ari brought it in.

And Ari's lamp. I'm gonna miss her when she's gone.

Is that thing plugged in?

-Isn't that beautiful? -Yeah, it's pretty, yeah.

[Greg] Ari's going for her PhD.

[Jeanette] It's our first child to leave the state.

It's bittersweet. I'm really happy for her but I'm sad too,

like, she's, she's my girl.

Ari's got this, as Jazz would say.

Jazz says she's got this.

But she don't got this.

Who doesn't have it?

Jazz doesn't have it all the way, she's got it part of the way.

-Let's sit down. -[scoffing] Fine.

-Let's sit down. -Sounds like a sit down conversation.

[Greg] You know, we're just a few weeks out

before Jazz would have to go up to Boston and start school.

We still don't have a definitive answer

but we have to treat it like

all systems are go.

[Jeanette] They have complete control,

and we are helpless.

I know you're worried a bit about Jazz

and whether she's ready or not for this monumental move.

The problem with me is will she get up in the morning?

She needs to be responsible.

That's why I booked us all one-way tickets to Boston.

Because I won't feel comfortable leaving her there

until I see that she's...got this.

I'm not sending both of you to college for four years.

[Greg] I definitely can understand,

based on Jazz's mental health issues

over the past couple of years,

the need to stay a little longer to make sure

Jazz is acclimated.

But I think there needs to be a time

where we cut the umbilical cord.

And we just let Jazz do college and she can swim on her own.

You know, like, every kid--

[Jazz] Hello.

-[Greg] Speaking of Jazz. -[Jazz] What's up?

Are you excited to go to college?

I'm pumped to go to college.

That didn't sound convincing, did it? [giggling nervously]

-Why don't you sit down? -[Greg] Why don't you, yeah, sit down.

[Greg] There's a couple of things we are just a little concerned about.

We have sheer excitement,

that you're getting ready to go off to college.

I am beyond excited.

And I just feel ready in every aspect.

So, there's a couple of aspects that we're concerned about.

Maybe I could tweak a couple of things.

Yeah, like getting up in the morning when your alarm goes off.

Oh that, that's gonna be a hard one for me, I'm a very deep sleeper.

If you can't get up close to the time where you're going off to school,

you gotta really consider whether you can even go off to school.

Also, your medication.

We just started transferring the responsibility

of the medication from you to me.

You're not organized enough yet.

I don't think, you have to think--

[Jazz] I can be pretty organized.

You really have to be like, "Okay, I need to call in this,"

in your planner.

And you have to know which ones don't have refills,

and you have to give extra time to get those refills

-because you have to contact the doctor, -Yeah.

[Jeanette] to get a refill when you run out of refills.

-It's really important -Oh, my God, ugh.

[Jeanette] We want you to accomplish all these things,

so I do not have to get an Airbnb up in Boston

and stay there indefinitely.

That's not what I want, that's not my plan.

Definitely.

[Jazz] I understand where they're coming from.

I'm kind of like a bird,

flying out of the nest but one of my wings is clipped,

so I only have one wing, so.

They just want to protect me as long as they can.

But indefinitely, not gonna happen.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Mama, you gotta go, sorry.

As long as I get off my lazy ass,

then, really, I'm gonna be successful there.

You keep making empty promises.

You're like, "I got this, I can do this,

I'm gonna change, I will, don't worry"

da-da-da, da-da-da.

But nothing comes to fruition.

-Like, you have not-- -[sighing]

I can tell you that it's different now

because it's now or never.

It's not though, it hasn't been.

-It's now or never at this point. -Prove it!

Prove it! 'Cause you're all talk.

[Jazz] I know it's been an empty promise.

-Whoa! -[all exclaiming]

Mama!

My ass is showing.

[all laughing]

[Kryss] She could end up with another kid after this.

[all laughing]

Well, hello, hello.

Oh, I didn't even see you there.

What are you doing, laundry?

I'm doing the laundry right now.

That's good, I don't think I've seen you do laundry ever before.

You don't have to say that.

I'm saying the truth.

Do the cats too.

[Jazz] I got it.

I know, I know you like to do that job.

[sighing]

All right, Griff, I did my laundry, I fed the cats,

I just, I'm trying to do a little bit more.

Step it up a notch.

Because I know Mom and Dad want to see that I'm prepared to go to school.

[Griffin] I think that Jazz should want to prove to herself

that she's ready to go to Harvard.

She shouldn't just do dishes and laundry

just because my parents say she should.

And that that will make her more independent.

So it's really important that Jazz establishes that balance now.

And establishes the ability to

make decisions for herself.

And not be pushed to decisions,

but really come to smart decisions on her own.

All right, so you wanna get on this call, is it time?

Yeah, let's do it.

After the Black Trans Lives Matter event,

I was really, really impacted

and I feel inspired to take my advocacy work to the next level.

Yeah, I got the password right here.

[Jazz] So after reaching out to different organizations

that I've worked with in the past,

to see what I can do to help as many people as possible...

Hello! Hi, Cheryl.

Hi.

[Jazz] This is my brother, Griffin.

Pleasure to meet you.

Griffin, good to meet you.

Good to see you again, Jazz.

[Jazz] Cheryl Greene is the director of Welcoming Schools.

And Welcoming Schools is a program

that's all about introducing tools

to teachers and administrators on how they could support LGBTQ+ students

or students with any differences.

I've actually worked with Welcoming schools in the past.

We host a national "I Am Jazz" Day reading.

I have a girl brain but a boy body.

This is called transgender. I was born this way.

I am Jazz.

So, we definitely have that connection.

I really think you do great work and I've loved working with you every time.

So, I just thought we could collaborate, kind of,

try to combat bullying in schools.

I'm obviously very passionate about bullying in schools,

because I've been bullied myself.

I've been called chick with the [bleep].

I've been told I have cooties.

Um, people will question my identity all the time, saying that I'm a man.

The students weren't as respectful as they should've been,

and that's partly because they were never taught.

Absolutely, we're in states around the country.

[both exclaiming] Wow!

We've impacted almost million students with our training,

-That's incredible. -and honestly, you've been a big, huge part of this.

What would you guys do if a school or school district says no

or they don't want to be involved in this?

Does that happen a lot?

Unfortunately, it happens, for sure.

Well, I think the program that Welcoming Schools teaches

should be taught in every single school.

I mean, you said it's already in states, but what about those other five states?

You know, we want it everywhere.

I want it all over the world.

All over the country.

You're gonna start with the US, the whole world is a little bit of a stretch.

I said the whole world, but hey, we're gonna get there one day.

-Um... -Let's make it happen.

It's about empathy and kindness.

Being kind should not be controversial.

-That's it. That's it. I like that. -I know, for sure.

I really think that we should keep this conversation going

so that we can continue to expand upon the program

and try to spread it everywhere.

Absolutely.

That sounds great, it was so great to talk to you both

and I look forward to what we can do next.

-So nice to meet you. -You, too. Bye.

-Bye. -Bye.

I definitely think if it was federally mandated in law saying,

this program has to be taught at schools to the teachers, to the administrators--

But how likely do you think we're gonna get a law passed in Congress?

If we talk to a legislator, we might be able to tell him this idea

about being kind, about loving each other.

And working with a legislator, you never know.

So the idea of creating more inclusive classrooms is not a stretch.

It's something we can do if we just create some sort of law in place that

forces administrators and teachers

to learn how to be more inclusive in their classrooms.

Passing a law on the federal level is obviously no small feat.

No.

I'm gonna dream big for a second, what if we actually succeed in pulling this off?

And then Welcoming Schools is a program introduced in all schools,

mandatory across the country.

-I think we could really make this happen. -Me too.

Moving humanity in the right direction.

-I'm excited. -I brought my entire lingerie drawer.

-Ready? After you. -Okay.

[Jeanette] So, Kryss is the one who actually set up this photoshoot today.

It's something that she feels can take my attention away from Jazz

and do something for my anniversary.

-Hello! -[all exclaiming] Hi!

-How are you? -Fantastic.

-You look gorgeous! -We match.

[Jeanette] When I think about posing for sexy photos, I'm like, "Oh!"

I'm very modest, like, I'm just not the most confident person

when it comes to the way I look.

But I did shave really well, just in case. [chuckles]

Hello! Welcome, you guys! Welcome. Welcome. Welcome.

-Why don't you come on back? -Okay.

-There may or may not be some champagne involved. -Uh-oh.

I hope that she sees that she is gorgeous and sexy.

I hope that she stops thinking about her kids for a change.

-To Jeanette and her bravery. -[all exclaiming] Yes!

-My God,... -Acting like I'm going off to w*r. Jeez!

[all laughing]

This is gonna take my mind off all the Jazz stuff and the other stress.

But now, I have another problem,

because now I have to worry about like, my nipples sticking out.

-This I wore on my honeymoon. -Yes.

-[Graciela] Oh, my gosh. That's gorgeous! -[all exclaiming]

[Jeanette] I brought other things that'll go underneath it.

-That's wonderful. -I think I forgot to bring tan underwear.

I have an idea, wait, no underwear.

-No underwear! -No underwear.

I'm stressed out. This is not me. This is not my wheelhouse.

I'm out of my comfort zone. The thing that's supposed to unwind me

is making me more stressed out than my stress.

The cellulite is definitely showing.

[all exclaiming]

-My ass is showing. -[all laughing]

No, it's too small on me, it's like-- Yeah, we're gonna have to be careful.

This look that I am in right now, is way too risque.

You can see my butt cheeks and all the little dimples in it.

I am mortified.

Are you ready to just lay down and relax?

-I can lay down, I'm not sure if I'll be-- -You'll be totally relaxed.

Come right in the middle.

What are we gonna do is take the tips of your middle fingers

and just go up and down, up and down.

We'll probably do that about three times.

Deep breaths.

[Kryss] She can end up with another kid after this.

I promise you she is not relaxed.

I know. But she is faking it very, very well.

Gorgeous. You wanna see a sneak peek?

-Sure. -Ready?

Oh, my God, that's me?

-She's got that Sunday morning vibes. -[indistinct chatter]

I was so worried about having to be sexy.

Because I felt very robotic when I went...

But then, she showed me and I was like-- [squeals] That's me?

[Graciela] Good, bring that knee over, don't lose it.

There you go. Go, go, go. Beautiful.

-She's just sitting at home, waiting for Greg to come home. -That she does.

Greg is going to flip.

I think that he has always known

how magnificent she is, inside and out.

And this is just gonna be a confirmation.

It will delight him to no end.

Extend those legs.

Yup. And then, you can put the chocolate back.

Greg and I met when we were little children and our parents were friends.

Young Greg.

He was skinny. He had some bad acne.

He had a moustache, that was not a moustache, it was just like a caterpillar

It was pretty greasy.

-There you go. Whoa! -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Peanut gallery likes this. -There it is.

When we got back together, we were at an engagement party for his brother,

and he walked in and I'm like that's not the same little boy that lived next door

And he had on this beautiful sweater

and no moustache, and his hair was parted and he had muscles. I'm like...

Oh, my-- I want that. Gotta have me some of that.

I felt like I met my person.

And we've been together ever since that moment.

[all exclaiming]

I've calling it Shades of Greg

and I feel like this is...

-Wow! -[Deb] Like, it's crazy.

-[Graciela] Good job! Nailed it! -Thank you.

There's one more thing I wanted to talk about with you both,

it has to do with eating and the food situation.

I wanna change my whole life.

-I've said this over and over again, you know. -Listen, listen, Jazz.

-Jazz. -[Jeanette] You okay?

No for me.

I told my mom and Ryann, the nutritionist,

that I wouldn't go to fast food anymore.

So, I'm trying to hold true to that promise

even though I've broken so many promises to myself and others.

I do think that this shopping trip can be very productive

if I pick out the right foods and stick to a healthier diet.

I can transition slowly into those better habits.

Where should I begin?

This... ranch potato chips?

Chocolate syrup.

Girl, I gotta stop going for the chocolate.

Resisting the unhealthy food is much harder than putting the healthy food in my cart.

Oh, peanut butter! [gasps]

Hazelnut spread.

The unhealthy food, you have this like, psychological battle with it.

I want you so bad, but...

cannot have you.

And you're like, uh, I want it but I don't want it.

I wanna lose weight but I'm hungry

so, it's much harder to resist the unhealthy food.

Vegan chocolate blackout cupcakes.

[gasps] One cup of cake is calories. No way!

This might be good.

calories, eh, it's okay.

I don't even know what to get.

[Jeanette] Hi.

Hi. So, I'm at the grocery store right now and I am really struggling.

Literally I'm in the store for five minutes and I need to call mom right away.

Girl, you a mess! [chuckles]

[Jeanette] Well, go into like, the proteins, that is fruits and vegetables.

-Stay away from frozen stuff. -I don't know if they have frozen meat here.

We don't want frozen, you know?

Should I get rid of the mac and cheese?

Frozen parmesan mac and cheese?

Yeah, yeah, anything mac and cheese, it doesn't make sense.

All right, I'm gonna put the mac and cheese back.

There's nothing good about it.

Is it okay that I got % milk?

By itself? Without chocolate in it?

Yeah, for sure!

I've never seen you drink milk without chocolate in it.

I-- Yes, I do. You don't know me then.

Okay.

And what about some broccoli?

Here-- What kind of grapes--

Okay, I'll get some baby spinach.

There you go.

Organic salad mix.

-Now you're learning, aren't you? -Yeah.

-Jazz? -Yes.

You cannot call me when you're off at school, grocery shopping.

I know! I know! But that's why we're preparing now for when I do it.

You know, I really wanna prove to my parents that I can meet their challenges.

Maybe these chicken tenders would be good.

All right Mom, I'm gonna finish shopping on my own. I'll talk to you later.

Okay, all righty. Bye-bye.

Because I've always been a successful person.

Okay.

But like, lately it's been really hard

finding the motivation to do things for myself.

Grab some sirloin.

It's been easier for me to just like, attach some other purpose to it

and for me, doing it for my parents and family is just that other purpose.

Broccoli.

We're doing good. We're doing good.

[gasps] It's Sander! What are you doing?

Dude, no one cleaned up after last night's dinner.

Ugh, is that pasta? Ugh!

And probably all the melted butter you put on it that you didnt eat.

[gasps] There's more?

No. I'm dumping this.

-That's gross. -That's what happens when Mom's not home.

Did you just put some in my hair?

-No. -I can feel it.

I just bought some stuff at the store to make a smoothie

so I can definitely make a smoothie for us.

Oh, you went shopping?

Yes. Oh, no!

-All by yourself? -Yes, I did.

Not since we were little, have I seen Jazz go grocery shopping.

-It's a lot of spinach. -Good.

And I'm happy for her, but I'm also curious

what she slipped in that cart that she's not telling everyone about.

Yeah, part of the reason why I went to the grocery store is

'cause Mom and Dad wanna see me be more independent,

which is fair.

Why are you doing it in there? Do it in this.

No, I like it in this.

Why are Mom and Dad creating these rules for you?

Why don't you just hold yourself accountable?

I do hold myself accountable. But they just wanna see certain things from me.

And how do you think you're doing?

I think I'm doing well.

I mean, I went to the grocery store, I'm making a green smoothie now.

I'm committed to being healthier.

-Um... -But I've still seen you order in and...

No, I haven't ordered in in a little while actually.

So, you think you're doing well?

I am doing well.

[motor whirring]

I'm kinda tired of my family being on top of me over and over again,

when it comes to food.

You're bringing me down, Sander.

-No! That's not-- -Yeah, you're ostracizing me.

All of you focus on all my shortcomings and failures.

How about for every single day that I do wake up?

How about for every single day that I don't get food?

That I don't drive through?

I need you guys saying, "Yes, Jazz, that's amazing."

I just hold you to a high standard.

But the second I make a mistake, none of the good stuff matters anymore.

That's not true.

I don't know.

It just feels like, it just feel like, you guys constantly nudge the bad things.

I feel a need to defend myself

because I've just kind of allowed my family to break me over and over again.

You always think you're right and you have the correct opinion but

-you have said things that I don't relate to at all. -Like what?

I don't have specific examples but I just know sometimes you're obvious--

Well, I can't grow from your statement without having examples.

I'm not just gonna be like, "Good job, Jazz!"

Give her a pat on the back. Like, I can't.

I need to be hard on her because she lacks commitment and consistency.

One of my problems is, I just,

Jazz, I'm being honest, you haven't,

like I've seen maybe one or two days that you've actually woken up.

-But maybe-- -That's not true! I have woken up many days.

-I've seen more times that you-- -You don't even let me talk.

Actions speak louder than words and you know you wake me up tomorrow to go on a run,

I'll drop everything.

You know anytime you ask me to go on a run--

I would, but we're busy too.

That's called making excuses.

If you want it, go get it.

You're jumping right to the negative

and you're just like, how many times have you asked me this and we do nothing?

See? You were gonna say that, weren't you?

That's the truth.

But that's still looking at it from a negative approach.

I am serious about this. I wanna change.

I wanna do better. I wanna be healthier for my body,

and I'm asking you for your help

And listen, and I don't need you shutting me down so you can,

"Oh, but every other time you asked for help, we failed."

-You're attacking me right now. -No, that's--

Well, that's me telling you how I-- the truth of what I'm seeing.

You're the one lying to yourself.

You're attacking me right now.

No, that's me telling you how I-- the truth of what I'm seeing.

You're the one lying to yourself.

Jazz is often asking for help and saying, "I wanna go on runs, I wanna do this,"

and then never follows through.

So it's like she gives us all this false hope that she really wants it.

And what are we supposed to do, just be like, "Okay, Jazz, whatever"?

All I wanna do is be honest with you--

You're just making me feel really bad about myself.

-Because I'm honest? -Hmm.

I just feel like I'm a joke.

You're not a joke! You're an inspiration.

Why?

You, uh, have come back from a very deep, dark place, and look where you are today.

You're growing.

You're about to go to the top university.

When you get there, am I worried you might make some difficult decisions

that could make it harder for you to thrive at Harvard?

Yes.

If you repeat your past mistakes and the things

that put you in that spot, which you know what some of these things are,

yes, then we're all very worried for you.

I'm stuck in a whirlpool.

It's a vicious cycle that just continues over and over again.

And I'm really struggling to break the cycle.

You know what you have to do.

And you know what it takes.

[Jazz] And I understand why my family is kind of over it.

They wanna see me be healthy. They wanna see me look better, feel better.

And I want that for myself too.

But at the end of the day, they can't decide that for me.

I have to take those steps on my own.

[music playing]

[Jeanette] Jazz, can you come here?

-[Greg chuckles] -Why is your dilating gel in front of my TV?

Oh, I knew I left it somewhere.

I dilate in here sometimes, watching TV.

Dilation is a process that comes along with bottom surgery.

Okay, you can take the gel back in the room with you when you're done.

-Yes, I can take the gel back-- -You don't have to right now.

[Jazz] Here.

Basically, you take this long acrylic object

and insert it up your vaginal canal

so that you maintain depth and width.

It's really important that you do this.

Because if you don't, your vag*na will start closing up,

and it'll lose its depth.

And you won't be able to use it properly.

-[Jazz] What are you guys talking about? -We're talking about you.

-You're almost ready to be a totally independent adult. -Wow.

I know that I'm not % perfect.

And I'm not % at the level we want me to be.

But I'm working on it day by day.

I'm a work in progress.

How are you gonna get out of bed at school?

I get out of bed. I've been setting my alarm that wakes up the whole house.

-Yes. -But I get up.

And turn it off, and then you go back into bed a lot.

Well, that's because I don't necessarily need to wake up early on those days.

I just try to, but...

-What if classes are slated for the morning? -[Jazz] In the morning?

Then I'll just have to get used to whatever schedule I set up for myself.

[Jeanette] Jazz knows how to talk and impress you with what she says,

and, um, I believe she believes what she's saying,

but the proof is in the pudding.

All right, there's one more thing I wanted to talk about with you both.

It's nothing new. It has to do with eating and the food situation.

Since talking to Sander, I realized

that I've just been deceiving myself and my family.

You know, I create all this promises that I never hold true to.

And I think I have to take the pressure off myself

and stop forcing myself to diet, and eat healthy, and try to lose this weight

because the pressure I put on myself

is really negatively impacting my mental health.

I'm still not losing weight.

And I'm really discouraged

because I've taken photos with Sander and Griffin.

And I've posted them online.

And I'm accountable for how much weight I lose and how healthy I am.

And I'm just not feeling the way I want to feel.

[Jeanette] Well, it's up to you. It's on you.

I know... Yeah.

-I feel confident that I will lose the weight-- -Are we stressing you out?

I just don't know when it's gonna start, like the process.

I don't wanna do a diet. I wanna change my whole life.

I've said this over and over again though.

-[Greg] Hey, Jazz. Listen, Jazz. Jazz, you sound like-- -[Jeanette] Are you okay?

You sound like you're getting very stressed out talking about this--

Because it is. I weigh pounds heavier than I wanna weigh right now,

and I'm stuck in my body.

You don't have to have all the answers.

I'm not looking for answers. I just wanna be happy.

In fact, you may not be able to answer it by yourself.

I'm ready to get off this weight loss train.

I feel like I lost sight of the goal.

Instead of losing weight for myself to feel good and healthy,

I almost feel like I was doing it for other people.

Between stepping on the scale every single week, my family, you know, criticizing me,

and going to a nutritionist, it has just felt like a lot of pressure.

Don't stress out over it.

-You got-- -I am. I'm just stressing

-You know, it's not-- -because I've been trying

-for so long, and I keep falling short. -[Greg] It's okay.

It doesn't define you.

Don't let it define you.

I feel like once I go off to school I'll be living on my own.

And I'll be able to make decisions for myself, not for anyone else,

and that includes weight loss, you know.

Maybe if I alleviate some of the stress and pressure that I put on myself,

then I could lose weight in a more natural way.

Well, I love you both. Thank you for always supporting me.

I'm gonna continue stepping into my identity as an independent adult.

And I just can't do it without either of you.

So thanks for being by my side.

-[Jeanette] We love you. -Love you.

-We're always gonna be here. -All right, have a good night.

-Goodnight. -Bye. Don't forget to dilate!

[sighs] Oh, it's exhausting.

Sounds like it stresses her out just talking

-about the weight. -She stress me out.

And she's not trying to. It's just everything.

Well, obviously it's a...

It's something that's very complicated and wasn't something

-that she was able to, you know, [snaps fingers] -Mm-hmm.

-snap her fingers and fix. -Yeah.

I can never get inside her head when it comes to this stuff.

I just... I can't relate to what it's like to be a binge eater.

It must be very difficult.

[Greg] At this point, we really have to just kinda step back.

We're not gonna put any pressure on her.

It's time for her to really just focus

on the more important things at the moment.

We're really just waiting to hear from Harvard,

and we're looking forward to the response 'cause we just don't know.

Maybe a change in scenery will make the difference.

[crowd] Whoa!

[Jazz] Next time on I Am Jazz ...

I find out Harvard's decision about me going to school two weeks before moving day.

This wreck-it place is an opportunity for me to release

all of this anxiety and energy of waiting.

For the most part, I'm on track, but there were a few concerns.

That was never on the list. It's not like there's a plan B.

Part of me is still worried that they're gonna deny me. It would just be devastating.

The only way to change perspectives is through social media.

You can't pass a federal bill through social media.

We're not just trying to create videos.

You put down what I do.

I'm recognizing that what we do are very different.

You cannot help me with my law work.

-[Sander] But that's not my job! -Can we stop?

That is what I'm trying to say.

Ah!

[Sander] Wait, guys!

[Jeanette] Jazz?

I'm thinking, "Did she get a concussion?"

Jazz, you all right?