01x09 - I'm Eddie Penisi

[bunniefuu]

EDDIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, aw.

Ahh.

Ahh.

Unbelievable.

I wouldn't have believed it
myself, had I not watched

the whole thing in the mirror.

[LAUGHS]

If Jerry ever knew I was having sex

with Eddie Penisi, he'd go psycho.

Ooh, how psycho are we talking?

Does it turn you on?

Yeah, a little bit.

Okay, a lot.

You think he'd be mad, huh?

He would go into a rage if he knew

that you ravaged his
childhood sweetheart.

- Go on, but talk slower.
- [VEHICLE DOOR CLOSES]

sh*t, I think he's here.

No, no, no. Don't skip to the end.

I want to savor this.

I just heard his keys in the door.

Mmm, yeah. That's good.

- The details are everything.
- [DOOR CLOSES]

- JERRY: Lola.
- Huh?

We need a dog.

Holy sh*t. He really is here.

Under the bed.

I thought you guys were separated.

We are. I just haven't
changed the locks.

Lola, where are you?!

Jerry, no.

One more chance, baby. Come on.

I've learned my lesson.
From now on, Daddy Bear

keeps his service
revolver in his holster,

and he also stops
sleeping with other women.

You look great.

Well, just let me get dressed.

I'll meet you in the kitchen.

Okay.

He calls himself Daddy Bear?
I thought I was a freak.

How do I get you out of here?

I got this.

Eddie, you can't do that.

We're three stories up.

- Eddie!
- You're dynamite.

- No!
- Whoo!

- Yeah!
- Alright!

- Good form.
- Rock 'n' roll, baby.

- Look at him.
- Oh, wow.

I am on a roll. Thanks, guys.

Hey, no problem, man.

We were right down the
street at Starbucks.

Oh, did you get me a grande macchiato

and low-fat raspberry muffin?

We sure did.

You're lucky we were
in the neighborhood.

I'm not lucky.

I'm Eddie Penisi.

- Hey.
- Son of a bitch.

[FOREIGNER'S "HOT BLOODED" PLAYS]

♪♪

♪ Well, I'm hot blooded ♪

♪ Check it and see ♪

♪ I'm hot blooded ♪

[ALL CHEERING]

LINDA: Thank you all
so much for joining us

for this year's Tacoma Police Department

versus Fire Department
charity boxing match.

- Yeah!
- Sorry, Chief.

Didn't mean to use the word
"match" in your presence.

Oh, it's okay.

You used a different
meaning of the word, so...

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] So true.

Well, I know the press has
a lot of questions, so...

Yes, Ken Walthers,
"My Neighborhood App."

Care to comment about the
missing dog on Maple Drive?

Okay, no one from the real press?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well, then I will announce the matchups.

Yeah!

This year promises four
thrilling showdowns,

TFD Engineer Ike Crystal will
take on Officer Leonard Tubbs,

and Officer Brad Shuck
will go toe-to-toe

with Paramedic Granville Smith.

Officer Liz Salazar will
take on Lucy McConky,

who is a collegiate judo champ.

I'd like to take a moment to introduce

a special young man in the crowd,

volunteer junior police
explorer Bucky Edelstein,

who walks the German
Shepherd on weekends.

Aw.

Young Bucky will take on
TFD's very own Andy Myawani.

Now, who's ready for some trash talk?

[ALL CHEERING]

Captain Polonsky.

[CHANTING "TPD"]

[SILENCE]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

- We look forward to showing Grit City.
- [YAWNING LOUDLY]

Which department has the most grit.

- Boom!
- TPD!

And as far as Tacoma FD is concerned,

well, you have the right

to receive a first-degree beatdown.

- Oh!
- Oh!

You have the right

to have the bitch slapped out of you.

If you cannot stand up after,

a stretcher will be provided for you.

[LAUGHTER]

- TPD out!
- TPD!

[CHANTING "TPD"]

[SILENCE]

Wow.

Talk about your Miranda Wrongs.

Okay, now let's get fired
up for Chief Terry McConky.

- Yeah!
- Yes!

Let's go, Chief!

[CHANTING "CHIEF"]

No. No.

Tell them, Chief!

Yeah. We're looking forward to this,

and, uh, it's gonna
be a really big thing.

Oh, sir. Can you clear that doorway?

That is an emergency egress.

Thank you.

Well, that'll sell tickets.

Let's all hear it for the
Battle Just Outside Seattle.

- Alright!
- Yeah!

Hey, probie, I got a ton
of grunt work for you to do.

I got a bunch of unwrapped
hose in the garage.

The equipment needs to
be stowed on the shelves,

and the bathrooms need
a once-over, so come on.

- That's a lot of grunting.
- Here.

I got a probie do-list
for you to do, too.

Start by sharpening the axes.

Somebody used them to
break down a side of beef

that somebody bought at
the butcher shop yesterday.

[GROANS] Hey, Granny.

I got these test results from my doctor,

and it can't make heads or tails of it.

Can you help me out here?

Aha. This is why you've
been so sluggish lately.

I don't think I been that...

[YAWNS LOUDLY]

I don't think I've been that sluggish.

It says here that you got low T.

- Low testosterone?
- Yeah.

You got the levels
of a 13-year-old girl.

Huh.

That's why I've been
watching so much "Riverdale."

I thought it was the dark take

on an otherwise delightful comic book.

Their Jughead doesn't
even wear the crown.

- That part doesn't bother me.
- Yeah, no.

Decline in testosterone happens with age

or unhealthy living.

Huh. What's the fix?

Easy, just take some pills.

You got Testy Boost XL or Pharmasec.

Yeah, right.

Side effects include dry
mouth and hairy knees.

You know, I don't recommend

taking too many pills, though, Chief.

I take a fistful every morning,

and I haven't crapped right in years.

I don't want to jeopardize my craps.

Those are my three
favorite times of the day.

There are other ways, though.

In fact, there's a great article
in this month's "Chiseled AF,"

"Natural Remedies for
Everyday Maladies."

You know, can get your
testosterone levels up

just by doing more
male-based activities.

For instance, you could
get your T levels up

just by eating more steak.

Hmm. I like steak.

That's... that's not how it works.

Let me ask you a question.

You find yourself doing
an overwhelming amount

of female activities?

I do. I'm surrounded by women.

I have a wife and three daughters.

They make me piss sitting down.

They made me buy a cat.

They made me watch "The Voice."

- I do all those.
- Unbelievable.

- Eh.
- Oh.

Ah, man. That's pathetic.

- Way off!
- Yikes.

Help me out here, guys.

For the sake of your health,

you need 200cc of steak, stat.

Eat steak.

I can get onboard with that.

Sure, because you never need to base

your medical decisions on science.

Right. Science is for nerds.

I hate nerds.

Carry on.

Hey, if it's like the
middle of the night, though,

you guys do sit down, right?

What?

[ANDY GRUNTING]

This is gonna be our
year. I'm telling you.

Ooh, ah!

You guys know the best
way to train for a fight

is lifting heavy crap.

You guys want in on this?

Ha! Try again, Tom Sawyer.

You trying to trick us
into doing your grunt work.

I'm trying to give you
guys the competitive edge.

You guys lost to the cops last year.

- Didn't that suck?
- Yeah.

Yeah. That was pretty shitty, I guess.

This is the year you get revenge.

I mean, how did Rocky Balboa
b*at Ivan Drago in "Rocky IV"?

He was more American.

Chopping wood, lifting rocks
in a barn, those were chores.

Rocky was just doing Mickey's chores.

Mickey wasn't in "Rocky
IV." He was dead by then.

Yeah, Lucy. "You're a bum!"

It's more like, "You're a bum,

and you'll never amount to nothing."

He kind of sounds more drunk like,

"You're a bum, Lucy. I
found you in the Dumpster."

EDDIE: Eh, no. That sucks. It's more

this, "You're a bum, I tells you."

TERRY: No. Need more spittle.

"You're a stinking bum, Rocky.

I'll never train a
stinking bum like you."

- Oh. There it is.
- Yeah.

One of you guys is a dead man.

So dead.

You guys ever enter a room
without storming in angrily?

I want to know which one of your guys

is sending d*ck pics to my wife.

Why do you think it was
one of my guys, Jerry?

Because he's wearing blue pants, Terry.

- That could be any uniform.
- Oh, really?

Take a look. What do you see?

Hmm, a penis.

Behind the penis.

- Uh, scrotum.
- Behind the scrotum.

How do you enlarge this thing?

Right there.

Huh? What do you see?

That's a locker with
a Tacoma FD turnout.

I mean, I still see scrotum.

Trust me. I know it's not Andy.

Let me just narrow this
down for you, Jerry.

The mystery member belongs to me.

- You son of a bitch.
- No, no!

I'll k*ll you!

- Whoa!
- You cheated on her.

I was just revenge, a dish best served

with a side of sausage a la Penisi.

- Hey!
- A la Penisi!

A la Penisi!

You know what?

I'm not gonna k*ll you today.

I'm gonna wait till next
week after my guys pummel

your guys at the boxing match

because I challenge
you to the main event.

- Ooh!
- Alright.

I just crapped in my underpants.

Good thing I'm wearing yours.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-da-da!

You know what?

You're a dead man,
and I'm telling my guys

anyone who knocks
their opponent out cold

gets a free lobster dinner.

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

We talking Red Lobster,

or we talking tablecloths and napkins

and candles, like, Il Lobsterino?

Cloth, candles.

- Yeah.
- Sommelier.

- Sommelier.
- Ooh!

Why would you want to go to
a Somalian lobster restaurant?

- We'll see you next week.
- Ooh.

Maybe a snifter of cognac, capreses.

Come on.

Relax. It's gonna be fine.

I'm Eddie Penisi.

♪ Eddie ♪

- Hey!
- Whoa!

MAN: Son of a bitch.

[GRUNTING]

Hmm, impressive.

Yeah. Now that this charity match
has turned into a blood sport,

I'm wondering if we should take up

- Judo Girl on her offer.
- Alrighty.

You really thinking
about doing her chores?

What if she is like Mr.
Miyagi from "The Karate Kid,"

and all the repetitive movements

turn into super-cool
martial-arts moves

that we can apply to the ring?

Son of a bitch!

- Ooh!
- Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Hey, it worked 3 times in the '80s

and one time for Will Smith's son, so...

Yeah. Let's do this.

- Let's do it.
- Hey, ma'am.

You ever seen "Robin Hood"?

- You know what I mean?
- Here you go.

Yeah. What's this?

Chief has got low testosterone, so...

Yeah, well, no surprise there.

Terry is a girl's name, and
he's only got one testicle.

Hey, I lost that
testicle saving your life.

So what? The lamb chops are
supposed to hike up your T levels?

Yeah. Granny wants me to take pills.

I figured first I'd try
the Ike Crystal Method.

Yeah. I call it the
Crystal Meth for short.

[LAUGHS]

Crystal Meth? Okay.

What's with the crossbow?

I'm going hunting this weekend.

- You don't hunt.
- He does now.

I do now. Oh, you know what?

This thing with you and
little Polonsky, knock it off.

You're playing with fire.

And as we all know, fire is bad.

What can I say, fellas?

Like many first responders,

I have developed quite
a thirst for danger.

Well, drinking danger is not
good for anyone's digestion.

- Just point it that way.
- I don't think you guys understand.

I am such a hot streak right now.

Everything is coming up Eddie.

Every time I go to the track, I win big.

Every time I turn on the
radio, it's Def Leppard.

- I can't lose.
- Well, thanks to you,

all these guys have lobster
bounties on their heads.

Well, I can't speak for the other guys,

but I'm Eddie Penisi.

♪ Eddie ♪

Are you trying to turn your
name into a catch phrase?

No, though it would look
nice on a bumper sticker.

Break it off with Lola Polonsky

before your luck runs out.

Whoa! Oh, boy.

- Oh-hoo-hoo!
- Whoa.

Okay. See that?

There was a time when
that would have nailed me

right between the
eyes, but not these days

because these days I'm
crapping rabbits' feet.

♪ Eddie ♪

Medium rare?

Yeah. I barely cooked them.

I like medium well.

Roll the hose. Roll the hose.

Roll the hose.

I like to see you keeping
it tight, mopping the floors.

Yep, full extension.

Great work, Ike.

Clean the toilet bowl.

Clean the toilet bowl, and... Oh, man.

It's kind of hard to yell at you
when you're looking like that.

I feel it in my triceps, coach.

You're k*lling it, Andy. Keep it up.

Can you talk to me
about your influences?

I think my fighting style
could best be described

as the grace of George Foreman

with the intensity of Jackie Chan.

Son of a bitch.

You really called the press?

Hey, I love this b*at.

I mean, usually I just
post pictures about people

I don't think belong
in the neighborhood.

[CELLPHONE DINGS]

Hello. I have to go.

Uh, there's a missing
package on Mulberry Lane.

- That guy's the best.
- Sounds important.

Cap, you should really come
train with us, you know?

I don't know if you know this,

but Polonsky is a
Golden Gloves champion.

No need. I got the psychological edge.

I'm putting the stones to his wife.

That does a number on a guy.

ANDY: Check this out.

Polonsky just tagged
you in a video, Cap.

[GRUNTING]

Penisi, I am gonna bury you

and then have a holiday
party on your grave!

[LAUGHING]

- Wow. He's good.
- Fast, too.

LUCY: You sure you
don't want to take this

a little more seriously?

You're right. I got to step up my game.

[GRUNTS]

Ahh.

Now I'm ready.

- Ah, not quite.
- Oh-ho-ho-ho.

There you go. Now you are.

Smooth as the day your
doctor slapped that behind.

Thanks, Andy's mom.

Always a pleasure having
you bronze and depilate me.

Everybody is talking about the big fight

- on "My Neighborhood App."
- Mm-hmm.

I got big Benjamins riding
on you, Captain Eddie.

Whatever you're betting, double it.

Polonsky is a monster.

Maybe you'd want to take a supplement,

maybe not FDA approved, maybe?

No thanks. I got this fight in the bag.

Remember, I'm Eddie Penisi.

♪ Eddie ♪

Alright. Nobody questions
you're Eddie Penisi,

but in case you're not,
perhaps you'd be interested

in taking something called whale haunch.

- Whale haunch?
- Mm-hmm.

Strongest part of the whale.

King Konali Pakooli

gave it to his warriors
before every battle.

Gave them untold strength.

Hmm, I don't know.

Aw, come on.

I need to get rid of this stuff
in case there's a raid, huh?

Okay, Andy's mom, for you.

Alright. $22.95.

- I'll take two.
- Good.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Can I get you anything else?

Perhaps you'd be
interested in a gremlin?

You got a gremlin in there?

Careful. She's in heat.

LUCY: Well, I think
that's it for the training.

You fellas are in great
shape, totally ready.

Wait. That's it?

We're ready at the exact same time

that all your grunt work is finished.

There isn't any hidden
Mr. Miyagi techniques

to use in the ring?

When you gonna show us
how it all comes together?

That kind of sh*t
only happens in movies.

- What?! Are you kidding me?
- What?

You guys are good
boxers. You'll be fine.

We trusted you.

Oh, Ike.

- [SLOW-MOTION] Whoa!
- [SLOW-MOTION] Whoa!

Clean the toilet!

Roll the hose!

Clean the toilet! Clean the toilet!

Hey, Lucy. Throw me a punch.

Ah!

Throw me a punch! Clean the toilet!

There were hidden Miyagi
techniques in the grunt work.

I guess there was.

- We're gonna kick some ass.
- Oh, yeah!

Do me! Do me!

- Whoa!
- Oh, oh.

- You good?
- I wasn't ready.

Yeah. Go again.

- Yeah!
- Hey!

- We're gonna k*ll them.
- Hell yeah!

[ELECTRIC-GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, Vicky and girls! What's up?!

Okay. Wow.

- What is this?
- Down here, right here.

- Whoo! This is where the good stuff is.
- Is it? Is it?

This is where the rock 'n' roll is.

Yeah, but you don't play guitar.

Oh, you're right. I shred it.

Wow. That's painful.

- And you can hear it.
- Okay. Alright. Alright.

Let's bring it down.
Let's bring it down.

- Slash!
- Let's bring it down, okay?

You like Slash?

No. I don't. I really don't, baby.

No.

Anyway, you texted me about the girls.

Now you can't take them to
the movies with their friends?

- What's happening?
- I can't

chaperone 10 little girls to the movies

to watch some sort of female
a cappella group solve crimes.

It hurts my T levels.

I read it in "Chiseled AF" magazine.

Partaking in female
activities is bad for my T.

So you want to up your T levels?

It's not complicated.
You just take a pill.

I can easily get you Shaftamax.

I can get you Nutchaspike.

I get it. You're all science-driven.

I want to do things the natural way.

Okay.

I guess you won't need
these sweet little cupcakes

your daughters made for you.

They're pink and girly
and sprinkle-y and rainbow

because you, you're a
manly son of a bitch.

- Come on, girls.
- Hold on a second.

Now, wait, wait, whoa, whoa.

Oh, hey, sis. Hey,
girls. I'll take those.

Yeah. No problem. Just
don't let the chief have any.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Chiefy.

I got something for
you... whale haunch.

King Krakatoa used to
give this to his warriors

before they ripped the
heads of their enemies

- with their bare hands.
- This will make me manly?

That'll spike your T
right through your skull.

I guess at this point,
anything helps, right?

- That's right.
- Alright.

- Yeah.
- Bombs away.

Do it. Oh, yeah. Chug it. Look at that.

You're becoming one with the ocean.

- Ouf.
- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah!
- That's manly.

Whale haunch!

- Whoa!
- Hey.

This little guy survived
as my streak continues.

Hey, hey. Good luck in that match

tomorrow, man, although I know

you don't need it, right,
because you're Eddie...

Penisi!

Aaaah!

Aah!

[GROWLING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Ladies and gentlemen of Tacoma,

let's get prepared to pummel.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Alright, guys. Remember,
just go to the moves.

Mop the floor. Scrub
the toilet. Roll the hose.

They are not gonna know what hit them.

ALL: Yes, Sensei!

[BELL DINGS]

[CROWD YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

LUCY: Come on, Granny. Roll the hose.

- Roll the hose.
- Roll the hose.

- Roll the hose.
- Yeah!

Ouf!

- Oops.
- [BELL DINGS]

Alright, Ike. You got this.

- Tubbs! Tubbs!
- Come on, buddy.

Just like we practiced, big guy.

Mop the floor! Mop the floor!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Okay.

[LAUGHS]

Oh!

Let's do this, Pikachu.

My head says no, but my libido says yes.

Doesn't he have that thing
where he likes to get hit by her?

Yeah. It's called a fetish.

Scrub the toilet! Scrub the toilet!

I'm sorry, Andy.

Ah, don't worry about it.

Either way, I come out a winner.

You need help, man.

[CROWD YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

LUCY: Come on, man.
Turn around and fight.

Ugh!

It's hard to feel good about that.

- You don't need to do it.
- Let me do it.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, stop. Stop. Stop.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Hey, boys. Check it out.

Am I right? Like a king.

Dude, you look like Gandalf.

It's a little long,
but check this out...

rhinestones.

- "Penisi Street."
- Too much?

- I paid extra.
- Worth every penny.

You kidding me, Cap? Looks great.

It's nice, right? It pops.

You know what? Let's make dinner plans.

This thing is gonna
be over in 10 minutes.

- Granny, lace them up.
- Okay.

Oh, hey, Ikey, will you
read that text to me?

Sure, Cap.

It's not so much a
text as it is a picture

- of the female genitalia.
- Nice. Okay.

Text back, "I likes it,"

with the emoji of your choice.

You sure, Cap? I mean,
it's really graphic.

I'm getting laced up.

I'm about to save the
honor of the station.

Do me a solid. Text back.

You choose the emoji.

Of course. Alright. Yeah. Sure.

"I likes it." Yeah. Pretzel emoji.

- Pretzel?
- What, you don't like pretzels?

Hi, sweetie.

I came to watch you kick his ass.

Hey, Lola. How you doing?

We were just sexting you.

You have a wonderful
tramp stamp by the way.

I don't have a tramp stamp.

- That'll be all, Ike.
- Is that you?

[GASPS] You've been cheating on me?

Did we establish exclusivity?

You assh*le.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Wow!

I'll rip your head off
your scrawny little body.

- Sleep with one eye open, you prick.
- Get her out of here.

I'm gonna get you.

Okay. Take it easy.

What the hell happened in here?

Oh, my ankle.

Ahh.

Your last name has penis in it.

Anyone else notice that?

Oh, yeah. This ankle is broken.

I'm gonna have to pull
him from the fight.

I guess it's Polonsky's lucky day.

- Oh, it's his lucky day?
- Somebody go tell him.

He just got a reprieve
from the governor.

He's faking. p*ssy!

Well, he's still gonna kick your ass.

In, like, 6 to 8 weeks.

Yeah. Yeah. You hear
that? Mark your calendar.

Oh, you're having your sister
do your fighting for you now.

Oh! Don't talk about my wife like that.

I'll fight you myself, you assclown.

Bring it on, fat boy.

I don't care who it is at this point.

Let's do this, ginger.

Ginger?! Oh! It's on!

Terry, you sure about this?

Yeah. I'm sure about this.

Ah!

Uh, what in God's name is that?

- You'll see.
- Mm!

Whale haunch, makes a man strong.

Chief, you haven't even trained.

I don't need to train because tonight,

- I'm Eddie Penisi.
- ♪ Eddie ♪

- Hey!
- Hey!

And now for the main event,

followed by the raffle
for the leaf blower,

in this corner, weighing


Police Captain Jerry Polonsky!

- Yeah!
- Boo!

And in this corner, weighing...



Sure.

Fire Chief Terry McConky.

- Whoo!
- Go, Terry!

- Come on!
- Yeah!

[GROWLS]

- Yeah, there he is.
- Yes!

- You up for this, Chief?
- Yeah.

I've been taking whale haunch.

- Where'd you get that from?
- Eddie gave it to me.

- Where'd you get that from?
- From your mom.

Oh, that stuff is bullshit.

It's just coconut water
and vanilla extract.

She tell you a whole story
about King Kalapanaki?

Yeah. It's a great story.

No. It's all fake.

God, she makes so much money
preying off white people's

condescending beliefs
in third-world cultures.

Shrewd. She is so full
of ancient-island wisdom.

She try to sell you a gremlin?

- She sold me a gremlin.
- No. It's a flying squirrel.

So wait. It's not real?

Mnh-mnh.

Oh, sh*t.

[BELL DINGS]

[SCREAMING]

[GROANING]

[BELL DINGING]

[SCREAMING AND GROANING CONTINUE]

[ANDY GROANING]

Ahh.

[GROANING]

What'd the doctor say?

He said I have contusions,

lacerations and a little
bit of brain damage.

He says I'm lucky I
still know how to breathe.

Oh, but that b*ating did
somehow raise my T levels,

so, Granny, I did it the natural way.

- Hey.
- You're an inspiration.

- [BELL DINGS]
- Whoo!

What an unforgettable night, huh, guys?

TERRY: Oh, yeah. Let me guess.

On the way to the hospital,
you boned the ambulance driver.

Close.

You got to the hospital, and
you boned the E.R. doctor.

No. I made sweet love

to the lady that rented me this scooter.

Son of a bitch.

And after the lovemaking,

I found a buffalo nickel
in the parking lot.

How do you do it, huh, Cap?

How does everything keep
coming up roses for you?

It's easy, my friend. I'm Eddie Penisi.

♪ Eddie ♪

Okay. That's it.

What are you doing?

You need a little humble pie,
and I'm the guy to feed you.

Are you threatening me?
Do you know who I am?

I know who you are.

You're a guy whose luck just ran out.

Come at me.

My fist, your face,

- a match made in heaven.
- Ding, ding.

[BELL DINGS]