03x01 - Quarantine

[bunniefuu]

[siren wailing]

- Engine 24, Rescue 42,


Man hit by truck in his garage.

- Engine 24 responding.

[upbeat rock music]

♪

- ♪ Well, I feel
that ain't good ♪

♪ And I guess
that I could get crazy ♪

- Hurry, he's bleeding badly.

♪

- Uh, dispatch said
he was hit by a truck.

- He was.

All: Oh.

- That's... we thought
you meant a truck, truck.

- I said toy truck on the phone.

- With dispatch,
you gotta speak real slow.

- And who threw the toy truck?
- Diego threw the truck.

- Is Diego your son?
- No, that's Diego.

- [chattering]

- Oh!
- Oh, my gosh!

- Hi, Diego.
- Hi.

- So cute.
Congratulations.

Hey, what kind of monkey
is Diego anyway?

- A capuchin.
- No, thanks, I'm fine.

Had a couple of cups earlier.
What kind of monkey is Diego?

- A capuchin.

- Oh, boy.
No, thank you. I'm fine.

- And why did Diego
throw the toy truck?

- He's been cranky lately.

You never know
what's gonna set him off.

Sometimes it's a guy
with a dumb face

and beady eyes.

- Lucky there's
none of them around here.

[chuckles]
- What?

- Hello.
Whee, whoo, boo.

- [chattering]
- Oh, it's not locked.

Oops, oh,
he's actually coming out.

Hey, buddy, you're okay.
He looks mad.

Oh, ow!

Oh, hey!
Oh!

♪

Ha-ha!

Oh!

- Dispatch,
I got a firefighter down.

Hit by a car...
- Ow!

- And a truck...
- Ah!

- And a plane...
- Ow!

- And, ooh, the shoe missed.
- Ow!

- [screeches]

[Foreigner's "Hot Blooded"]

♪

- ♪ Well, I'm hot-blooded

♪ Check it and see

♪ I got a fever of 103

♪ I'm hot-blooded

- This quiche I made
is the b*mb.

- Ooh.
- Oh, yeah?

- Looks like it has gobs
of cheese in it, guys.

- It does.
You gotta try it.

It's noice.
- Mmm, this is noice.

- Here, let me get into that.

Ooh, no-ho-ho-hoice!
- Mm-hmm.

- I could eat gobs of this.
- Mm-hmm.

- Heyo!
- Hey.

- I just got all my shifts
covered for the next two weeks,

so now I can go to Fuego Fest.

- Noice.
Who you going with?

- My new boyfriend, Miles.
- Miles Longpeter?

- That's his name.
Don't wear it out.

- Wait, who's playing
at Fuego Fest this year?

- Tarzan Milkshake, Cornshaver,

Bingbingbingbing Dingdingding,

Dense Baby, L'il Ridonkadonk.
- Whoa, that is gobs o' bands.

- Why do you keep saying "gobs"?

- I'm working
on my brain, Granny.

I got this new
word of the day app

from "Brainy AF" magazine.

Basically, they give you
a word each day

that you're supposed to use.

Today's word is "gobs," G-O-B-S.

And it means "a lot,"
so I'm trying to use it

gobs of times.
[chuckles]

- Well, I look forward to
hearing more of your new words.

- Thanks, I get one
every day, so...

- Oh, speaking of ridonkadonk,

Lucy, you gotta try
the quiche I made.

It's noice.
- It is noice.

- Okay.

Oh, sh*t.
That is ridonkadonk.

- Right?
Come on, Andy.

You gotta try it out.
It's noice.

- Noice.

- Man, what is wrong with you?
Cap worked hard on that quiche.

- Well, you were snoring
like a motorcycle last night,

so I didn't get
an ounce of sleep.

- Earplugs, kid.

I use 'em
so I don't wake myself up.

- I had earplugs.
They just don't work.

- I go earplugs
and head under the pillow.

- Well, a few stations
have a snore room

for the loud snorers,
and I think we should

invest in one 'cause I can't
take this much longer, Cap.

- He can, like,
barely talk, he's so tired.

- What are you talking about?
I'm talking at my normal...

- Holy crap, I'm starving.

I've been on the phone
all morning.

Hey, quiche.
- Yeah, get in there.

- Look at this.
- Uh-huh.

Yeah, it's noice, isn't it?

- That is noice.
- Noice.

- So listen,
I just got off the phone

with the city health department.

Turns out the guy
with the monkey

was an exotic pets dealer.

He smuggled the monkey
into the country,

and they think
it has simian flu.

- Oh, noice.

Oh, wait, is that bad?
- Well, it can be.

The guy got sick in the ER,
so they had to quarantine him.

Now they want me to consider
a 14-day quarantine for us.

- At home or in the station?

- They'd prefer we contain it
in the station,

but it depends on who had

direct contact with the monkey.

So did any of you
touch the monkey?

- [sighs]
- Uh...

- Ah, damn it,
of course you did.

You guys can't stay away
from furry things.

That's why I hate animals.
Animals carry disease.

- Cats don't.

- Cat scratch fever,
and they give pink eye.

- Pink eye,
what are you talking about?

Whose side are you on?
- What are the sides?

- More importantly,
what kind of exposure

did you guys have?
Any sneezing or coughing?

Close talking, spittle?

- Does everybody eating
off the same fork count?

- sh*t.
- Okay, you know what?

I think you're
overreacting, Chief.

Quarantine's expensive.

Tons of overtime,
plus we have to divert manpower

to other stations.
Not worth it.

- Well, hold on, guys.
This could be kind of cool.

Like a slumber party
or something, you know?

- You literally sleep here

every time you walk
into the station.

- This is
a different circumstance.

We'll be together,
like, doing all the stuff

that we want to do.

We can make forts
with the pillows.

- It would be a two-week
paid station vacation.

- No, we are not doing this.

I have a hairdressing
appointment at the salon

that I had to make
three months in advance.

I'm the captain of this crew.

You and I
need to confer privately.

- No need.

Based on the information,

I'm putting us in quarantine.

[dramatic music]

- Oh, come on.

[upbeat acoustic music]

[groaning]

♪

Ugh, damn it!

- This is great 'cause I'm
able to work on this novel

that I've been talking about
for so long now.

- Bro,
nobody reads books anymore.

Welcome to the 20th century.
- Okay.

- I'm gonna do 300 squats
every day of quarantine

so I come out of here
with an ass

like Captain America, baby.
[laughs]

- Yeah.
- Ooh.

- And I guess I'm gonna learn
how to bake bread.

- As long as it doesn't
make you grumpy.

People are no fun
when they are grumpy.

- Is that a new word, Ike?
- Yeah, "grumpy."

- Huh.
- G-R-U-M-P-Y.

It means not fun to be around,

just, like,
always in a bad mood.

Like, "I'm grumpy."
- Yeah, I know what it means.

Can I see the app real quick?
- Yeah, check it out.

- All right.
- It's on "grumpy" right now.

- Oh, yeah,
the word of the day app.

Huh, it's at
elementary school level.

- What?

Wow, kids are smart
nowadays, huh?

- Hmm, you know what?

I'm actually gonna upgrade you
to middle school

so you can get oodles smarter,
okay?

- Oh, oodles.
- Yeah.

- Not a word, but okay.
- Hey, guys.

There isn't a lot
about simian flu in humans,

but Checkipedia says symptoms

include fever,
cough, and sneezing.

It's airborne,
so coughing and sneezing

are the main way it spreads.
- Huh.

- Hey, I heard that people get
the tension of quarantine out

by doing primal screams.
Should we try one?

- Yeah, sure, why not?
- Oh, yeah.

- Okay, three, two, one.

[all screaming]

[laughter]

- What the hell's
going on in here?

- Just some
primal scream therapy.

- Well, warn me next time,
would you?

Oh!
- Whoa.

- Hey, look at this stuff
people are dropping off.

Look, we got video games, DVDs,
three trays of lasagna.

- Give me some lasagna!
- She loves lasagna.

- Oh, look at this!

This is
the new Reba McEntire CD.

She does a duet on here
with Leigh Weigh,

gives me goose bumps.
- You always have goose bumps.

You're like
a supermarket turkey.

- You know what?

You have to get over
being mad at me.

- Maybe I will when
the McConky quarantine's over.

- Ah, whatever.

Hey, who wants
to play tetherball?

- I do,
and I'm gonna kick your ass.

[grunts]

[upbeat rock music]

[grunting]

- All right, okay, all right,
you made your point.

- Have some of that, Warden.

- Whoa, Cap, doesn't sound

like you're being
too cordial over there.

- Come on, just serve.
Let's go.

- Hey, you know
what would be fun?

Maybe we can do a sideburn
growing competition

where the person who grows
the weakest sideburns

over the quarantine
has to buy everybody drinks

once this is done?
- In.

- Cordially in.
- I guess I better be in.

- I'm in too.
- You sure about that, Chiefy?

You've only got,
like, 12 hair holes

in your entire face.

- [chuckles]
Okay, come on, let's go.

- [grunts]
- Whoa, sick vest, babe.

Hopefully I can get
out of here pretty soon

and I can make it to Fuego Fest.

- I gave your pass
to my pal Slocko.

- Maybe I can still go.
- Yeah, but probably not.

Hey, mushrooms
are kicking in right now.

I need to roll.
Later, girl!

Slocko, did you sh*t
your pants already?

[phone beeps]
- Bye.

Man, Miles just gave away
my pass to Fuego Fest.

- Who's Miles?

- My boyfriend, Miles Longpeter.

- Miles Longpeter?

There's something
about that name

that leaves a bad taste
in my mouth.

- Doesn't sound like he's being
too cordial either.

- Hey, is Reba McEntire playing
that Fuego Festival?

- I don't think
she could make it this year.

- I saw her at Rebapalooza
in 2003.

She was awesome.
- Oh, she played Rebapalooza?

- Yeah, yeah,
she was the headliner.

- Oh, check this out.

Males over 40
are the least likely

to catch simian flu
from a monkey or another human.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, young people

are more susceptible to this
than older people?

I'm out of here.

- Hey, hey, no, no, no, okay.
You're not going anywhere.

- Oh, you want another sh*t
at the title?

- Yeah, I want a piece.
Come on, let's go.

- All right,
this one is for my hairdo.

♪

Good book.

- Hey, Captain.
- What's up?

- You respect
the chain of command

in the station, right?
- Yeah.

That's why I'm allowing myself
to be imprisoned

even though you imposed this
on us without consulting me.

- Well, your chief needs a bed.

- You see the sign on the door?
Captain's Quarters.

You have a sign like that.
It says "Chief's Office."

Go sleep there.

You can have
all the wild sex dreams

about Reba McEntire
that your heart desires.

- Do not sully
the name of Reba McEntire.

That woman
is a national treasure.

Now, move over.
There's plenty of room.

You got a nice bed here.
Come on.

Oh.
- Whoa!

Are you kidding?

- Hey, what are you doing?
Get off my side.

- Does that happen every time?
- Get over to your side.

What are you doing?
[grunts]

- How does my sister do it?
- Just move over.

- I am moved over.

- You got the whole side
of the bed over there.

- It's hard because
gravity's pulling me.

- How's that?
- It's great.

FYI, Terry, I still like
to sleep in the nude.

Here.

Can you put those over there?
- Ugh.

- Okay.

- FYI, I like to eat a sandwich
before I go to bed.

And this is my favorite...
Pastrami, pickles, cheese,

mustard, onions.

This is the combo that makes me
the most gaseous,

and while I'm sleeping,
I'll sweat it out.

[chuckles]

Mmm, want a bite?
- No, thanks.

- Are you gonna
turn the light out?

- Are you gonna eat in the dark?

- Yeah, I know
where my mouth is.

- [snoring intensely]

- It wouldn't be so bad

if he didn't sleep
with his eyes open.

- [snoring intensely]

- I can't take


- [snoring intensely]

[upbeat music]

♪

- [farts]

[chuckles softly,
mutters indistinctly]

[grunts]

♪

[grunts, sighs]

- Okay, Terry, you want a w*r?

I'll give you
a w*r you won't believe.

- [farting]

[upbeat music]

♪

- Morning.

Did you get
any sleep last night?

- Not a wink.
What is it, day eight or nine?

- Pretty sure
it's only day eight.

[dramatic music]

- We gotta get that snore room
ready for Granny,

or I'm gonna die.

- I'll help.

[upbeat rock music]

♪

- Yeah!
- Whoo!

♪

- [chuckles] Snorage room.

- Dude, look at this photo
of Station 24

from, like, 100 years ago.

I'm pretty sure that is my

great-great-great-grandfather
Luigi Penisi.

- Oh, Luigi.
- This is cool.

I'm gonna go hang this up
in the briefing room.

- Okay.

[laughs]
Snorage.

♪

[dance music playing]
- Oh, thank you, ladies.

I am attempting
a new character here,

so give me a "whoop, whoop"
if you like it.

- Whoop, whoop!
Whoop, whoop!

- I am going to attempt
to dance for you

every single day,
so hit me up on Cashmo.

- "Attempt,"
that's one of your new words?

- Uh-huh, I'm attempting
to use it gobs of times.

- Congratulations, man.
- Hey, check it out, boys.

I'm getting better.

Should start calling me
Breddie Penisi.

Thank you.

I'll be here all week
and next week too.

- Smells awesome, Cap.
I'm attempted to take a bite.

- Dude, that's not how you...
- No, no, no, I know.

I'm not gonna
actually take a bite.

It's for later.
I get it.

- Snore room is good to go.
- Oh, that's great.

I hope you have fun
sleeping in there.

- No, it's not for me.
[FaceTime ringing]

- It's not?
- Hi, boo.

- Hey, bae!
- [grunts]

- Hey, what's good, Chiefy?

- More gifts
from the outside world.

- Oh.
- It's new stuff?

- Yeah.
- Wow.

Your left sideburn is weak.

- What?
- [cackles]

- The right side of my face
is where all my T is.

- What does that mean?
- You know what it means.

I still have my right nut,
so all my testosterone

is on my right side,
hence the good right sideburn

and the weak left one.

- Chief, use this time
to brush up

on your biology, man.

- Hey, um, if you wanted
to have some phone sex,

I could sneak away.

- Oh, Tentwiper's
taking the stage right now!

I gotta roll.
Later, girl.

- Lucy again?
- Yeah, dude, I know.

She's so f*cking annoying.
- Okay.

- More Molly?
Sure!

- Ugh.
- Another PlayStation 5?

- Whoa!
- Body powder.

- Yeah, it's good
for the crotch.

- Oh, tons of lasagna.
- Huh?

- Yeah, I could go
for some lasagna.

- Yeah.
- What's this bad boy?

- She's so sad.
- Ooh, "lukid" dream mask.

- Are you... lucid dream mask.
- Lucid dream mask.

That's what I said.
Shut up, Andy.

- I've heard of those things.

They do, like,
sensory stimulation

so you can manipulate
your dreams.

Like, you can download all kinds

of different scenarios
and even celebrities.

- Oh, like boat ride
with Sir Patrick Stewart.

- Sure, if that's your thing.

- Ooh, I could rake leaves
with Keanu Reeves.

- Heyo,
here's new simian flu info.

They've discovered the group
that's the lowest at risk,

Italian men under 5'9".
- Say what, now?

- It says, "The density
of their T levels

"packed into
their smaller bodies

provides the best immunity."
- That makes total sense.

- Oh, yeah.
- I'm going home.

Take it eas'.
- No, no, no, no, no.

You're not going anywhere.
- Do not tell me what to do.

You made this call
without consulting me,

and now you're sleeping
in my bed.

Meanwhile, as an Italian man
just slightly over 40

and just a hair under 5'9",
I'm the least at risk.

It's day three here,
and no one is even sick.

- [sneezes]

[dramatic music]

Ugh, sorry.
- Whoa.

- What?
What?

It's allergy season!
Stop!

- We gotta put you
in double quarantine.

- You're being grumpy!
Grumpy!

Ah, guys!
- Sorry, dude.

- G-R-U-M...

[door slams, lock clanks]

- Well, looks like
I'll be sleeping

in the bunk room.

[chuckles]

[upbeat rock music]

[snoring intensely]

[snoring continues]

- Ugh.

- Just had to get my sammy.

You're getting used
to it now, right?

[groans]
- Oh.

- Oh.
- Come on.

Never get used to that.
- Oh.

Thanks for warming it up for me.

- Oh, that's all right.
You just take your time.

I'm gonna try out
this lucid dreamer mask.

I'm gonna control
my dreams tonight.

- Dreamer mask?
- Oh, yeah.

You remember this thing?
Look.

Sports, nature, history,
and, of course, sex.

Oh, by the way,
I downloaded Reba McEntire.

- What?
- [chuckles]

Oh, yeah.

- Come on.
Really?

- No, it's good.
You get used to it, right?

- [snoring]

- Oh, you're right, Reba.
I am "shexshually generoush."

Do me a favor
and just say "citrus."

[chuckles]
"Shitrush."

[chuckles]

Your "accshent ish sho shilly."

You wanna sh*t on my face?
- Oh, come on.

- Oh, sit on my face.
- Shut up. God.

- Oh, I didn't understand you
'cause of your "accshent."

[dramatic music]

[upbeat music]

- No, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[mumbling indistinctly]

[keyboard clacking]

♪

- Hey, Andy, getting some
good work done in here?

There's some nice weather
rolling in out there.

- What do you want me
to do about it?

- Okay, well, tell you what.

Maybe I'll go
grab some sandwiches.

I'll come back later,
and you could let me read

some of what you're writing.

- We're gonna make a new rule.

When I'm in here

and you hear me typing

or whatever the f*ck
you hear me doing,

that means I'm working.

That means don't come in!

You think
you can handle that, Terry?

[dramatic music]

- What did you just say to me?

♪

- Sorry, Chief.

Oh, I'm just... I'm just
so sleep-deprived,

I don't know what's happening!
I'm so sorry!

- Toilet duty!
- I'm sorry!

[sobbing] I'm losing it, man.

[soft dramatic music]

♪

[upbeat rock music]

- ♪ Ah-ah

- Wonder what kind of food
they have

in the B and C shift fridge.

- Don't even think
about it, Luce.

Never touch
another shift's fridge.

- Whatever.

Bet you there's
some good sh*t in here.

[grunts]

- Lucy.
- What?

- Back up.
Back up.

Back, back, back, back,
back, back, back.

We gotta get rid of Granny.

[dramatic music]

His snoring is k*lling me.

- What'd you have in mind?

- I think we put him
in double quarantine.

- How?
- We gotta get him to sneeze.

And then I'll take care
of the rest.

- What does take care
of the rest mean?

- I'm just at the beginning
of this process, okay?

- [sputters]
- What's the matter?

- I just got off the phone
with the health department.

Diego the monkey's dead,
and they don't know why.

They're extending
our quarantine... indefinitely.

- [gasps]

♪

- Damn it!
- [sighs]

- My whole crew is going nuts,

and my hair situation
is bullshit.

[upbeat rock music]

- ♪ Ah-ah

♪

- [grunting]

[grunts]
Eddie?

- [snoring]

[tinkling lullaby music]

♪

- Everybody wake up!
- What... what is it?

- Eddie's gone.
He broke quarantine.

- [gasps]

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

[soft dramatic music]

♪

- Get it!
Get it!

Get it!
Go on, girl!

Yeah, hit that thing!

[laughs]
- [grunting]

- Yes!

- Psst! Hey, Myawani!

Hey, over here!
At the picture!

[eerie music]

♪

Myawani, hey!

♪

Pepper!

- What?
- Pepper.

- You're speaking too softly.

- Pepper!

- [with Italian accent]
Hey, shut up-a you face-a!

I'm-a trying to take a photo.
- Sorry, Cap.

- I'm-a gonna be a big-a
Hollywood-a star-a someday.

♪

- [whispering] Pepper.

♪

- Lucy, Lucy!
Break it!

♪

- Damn lock!

[dramatic music]

Damn Fuego Fest!

Damn Slocko!

- [laughs maniacally]

Here's Myawani!

[grunts]
- Oh!

Whoo, give it to me!

- Lasagna?
- What the f*ck?

Open the other one!
- Yes, yes, yes!

- Yes, yes, yes, yes!
[laughs]

- Great hit!

- Brie!
- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, snap.

♪

- Breddie Penisi.
- Yes!

♪

- Oh, God.

- Pepper.

- Mmm.

♪

[sneezes]

♪

- Granny's got the fever.

- But it was just one sneeze!

- Hey, better safe
than sorry, okay?

♪

- Oh, salutations.

Are you desisting
your pervicacity

and acquitting me?
- Sorry, what?

- Am I emancipated,

or am I still
immured sempiternally?

Yea or nay?

- Ike, what happened
to you in here?

- Oh, I upgraded
my word of the day

to graduate level, so...
- Oh.

- Sorry, buddy,
double quarantine.

- No way!
- Hey.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
what's going on here?

- Oh, Granny's sick,

so I'm putting him
in quarantine with Ike.

- Hi, hi, hi.

- ♪ Eddie
- Hey!

- Eddie, you better not
have gotten your hair done.

- Look at my sideburns.

Does it look like
I got my hair done?

No, I went and got CPAP masks
for my snorers.

- Oh.

- Noise-canceling headphones
for Lucy and Andy.

- Noice.
- Hey, thanks.

- Toilet paper
for everybody except me

because I've got a bidet.

Some Progaine for your
prepubescent-ass left sideburn.

And a little medium ash brown
for the kid.

- Eddie, that was irresponsible.

- I did it for my crew,

and I wore my SCBA
the whole time.

[phone ringing]
- Oh.

- Cap, what was it like
out there?

- [sighs]

Lucy, it was more wonderful

than you could possibly imagine.

[tender music]

I felt the warm sun on my face.

It smelled like black
cottonwoods were in bloom.

- Hey, that was
the city health department.

The test results
came back negative.

Simian flu was a false alarm.

Quarantine is over!

[all cheering]

[upbeat rock music]

- We're back.
- Oh.

- By the way, while I was
out there in the real world,

I went home, and I fed my cat.

Andy, she's got pink eye.

- Told you.
- Wait a minute.

That's extremely contagious,
you guys.

We should probably quarantine.

[laughter]

- I'm serious.
We should quarantine again.

♪

[upbeat rock music]

♪

- Good night, everyone!

- Nighty-night!

- Good night.
- Good night.

♪

[CPAP machines whooshing]

- [sighs]
- God.

- No, no, no, don't itch it.
Don't itch it. Don't itch it.

- Right, right, sorry, sorry.
- [sighs]

- Night.
- Good night.

[yelps]
Oh!

What the hell?
I set it to Reba.

- Hey, Terry, I uploaded
my photo to the mask.

Enjoy.
[laughs]

- Eddie!
- Oh.

[chuckles]
- Ugh.

[spits]