04x02 - The Probie Imbroglio

[bunniefuu]

[rock music]

- Mickleberry, get in my office!

- Mickleberry, shine my shoes!

- Mickleberry,
you're on shitlist!

- Mickleberry, there's ants

In the refrigerator,
and it's your fault!

- Mickleberry, make me
a mickleberry smoothie!

- Mickleberry, add some
strawberries to that,

And I'll have one
of those as well!

- Mickleberry,
whose shirt is that?

[both chuckling]

- Oh, man, mickleberry
is a fun name

To bark orders at.
- It's a great name.

- I think we found
our new probie.

- We can't pick
a new firefighter

Based on the name.
- Ah.

- Although, have you seen
this reggie bon jovi? Huh?

This guy's top of his class.
- Whatever. That guy sucks.

- He's perfect. Have
you seen his hair?

- First of all, that dude wishes

He was related to jon bon jovi.

Also, terry, you
really never want to go

With the guy from
the top of the class.

Too cocky.
- Have you seen his scores?

- Yeah. But the best
candidate on paper

Is not necessarily the
best fit for the station.

First, the guy's gotta pass
the eddie penisi vibe test.

- No, first he has to be good.

This guy might save
your life someday.

- Terry, let me pick the probie.

I promise you I will bring
back somebody "noyce."

- I'm the chief.
I pick the probie.

- Yeah, but it's my shift.

If you want me to make dinner,

I should be the one
to pick the groceries.

- I don't want you
to make dinner.

This is too important.
- I am excellent

At sussing out
great firefighters.

You know why? Because
I trust my gut.

- Oh, yeah? Is that
the same gut you used

To pick your four ex-wives?

- Mm, no. I chose them
with a different body part.

- Yeah.
- My heart.

- [groans]
- but my eye for firefighters

Is perfect.
- [sighs heavily]

Okay. You can pick the probie.

- Hey! There we go.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

My gut tells me that
is the best decision

You're gonna make this year.

- Don't pick the guy
based on his name.

- Guy, I'm not stupid.

- And no redheads.
- Obviously.

Terry, I am gonna pick
the best firefighter

This station has ever had.

I guarantee it,

Because I'm eddie penisi.

- [groans] that's
what I'm afraid of.

[foreigner's "hot blooded"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ well, I'm hot-blooded ♪

♪ check it and see ♪

♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪

♪ I'm hot-blooded ♪

[rock music]

- Check it. Another
m*rder hornet video.

- Uh, let's be fair.
Alleged m*rder hornets.

- Ooh.
- Let me see.

- Oh, sh...
- Oh, what?

- Aah.
- Nope.

That is a first-degree
m*rder hornet.

- Ew, look at it rip the flesh
off that cute little mouse.

What kind of sicko
watches this stuff?

- Oh, look! It's another
m*rder hornet video.

"m*rder hornet
versus tabby cat"?

- [chuckles] I gotta
subscribe to this.

- All right. Big day
today, dirty dogs.

Your captain has
selected a probie

Who is the future
of firefighting.

You're gonna love him.
- Newsflash, cap.

I'm not gonna love him
'cause he's not andy.

I'm probably gonna hate him.

- I am going to haze him.

I'm gonna be so good
at torturing this guy,

You guys are gonna
be like, "whoa,

She likes this a
little too much."

- Hazing is child's play.

This time around, I'm
not gonna do anything.

- You know what?
On second thought,

I'm gonna k*ll him. Yeah.

I'm just gonna k*ll
him when he gets here.

[chuckles] just like
that m*rder hornet

Is murdering that
chimpanzee. Oh, my god!

- Yeah.
- Oh, cap, this is crazy.

He's burrowing into his brain.

- Throw your best at
the kid. He's a champ.

Prepare to be impressed.

- This is me preparing.
[snoring]

- And then prepare
to be depressed,

Because in five years, he's
gonna outrank all y'all.

- Ah, horseshit.

Oh, now he's really a d*ck.

He wants to outrank us now?

He's not even here yet?

- Eddie.

You picked mickleberry?
- I did.

- Mickleberry?
- Mickleberry's his name?

That's a stupid-ass name.

Sounds like he's gonna
be a sh*t firefighter.

Sorry, chief.

- I give you this responsibility

And you pick the guy
with the silliest name?

- Yeah, his name is hilarious.

But that's not why I picked him.

I picked him because
I knew he was the one.

- [sighs]
- like keanu reeves

In "the matrix"?
- Exactly.

He'll be dodging b*ll*ts
and bending spoons

In no time.
- Okay.

When's the golden
boy due to arrive?

- Yeah. Exactly,
chief. Where is he?

Time's a ticking.
- Yeah.

Tick, tick, m*therf*cker.

- Actually, sir, I'm right here.

- Mickleberry. How long
you been over there?

- Couple hours. I thought
we made eye contact,

But I guess you were
looking right through me.

- I don't think that was me.
- I'm pretty sure it was.

- Nah, that was somebody else.
- Yeah. No, I could tell

By the way your mustache
is shaped that it was you.

- Hey, this is chief mcconky.
- Welcome.

- It's an honor to be here, sir.

I've wanted to be a firefighter
since I was nine years old

And saw firefighters
rescue a drunk guy

Stuck in the tube maze
at chuck e. Cheese.

That day, I realized
firefighters were heroes.

I knew then I wanted
to be a hero too.

- Great. In my office
in five minutes.

- Oh, okay.
Mickleberry, come here.

Come meet the crew.
- Hi, guys.

I brought croissants.
- How thoughtful.

None of you guys brought
gifts on your first day.

- [snorts]
- that's sweet of you.

Hi. Lucy mcconky.
Nice to meet you.

- Oh. Married to
the chief, huh?

- What? No. That's my father.

- You said father. You
obviously meant brother.

- [snickers]
- brother?

How old do you think I am?

- Um, somewhere
between 16 and 42?

- Ooh.
- [snorts]

- Damn.
- Oh, boy.

- 42? Are you kidding?

- No, no. You're a total milf.

- Milf?

Do you know how
offensive that is?

I'm an ilf. No "m." just ilf.

- Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
- Granny smith.

- Like the apple?
- Yeah.

My family invented them.
- For real?

Aren't they, like, 200
years old or something?

- Yeah, my family has
a long, sordid past

With apples and this country.

- Okay, well, those
are my mom's favorites.

- Great. I'll send
you over a bushel.

- Cool. Thanks.

By the way, my first name is...
- Nuh-uh.

We don't want to know.

We're just gonna
call you andy, okay?

- But...
- From now on,

Your name is andy,
and we're gonna

Keep calling you andy, okay?

Andy mockinrogberry.

- Um, okay. Andy it is.

- Okay. Let's go
talk to the chief.

- Oh.
- Oh, hey.

Don't look him in the
eyes. He doesn't like that

Till he says it's okay.

- Okay. Got it.

Thanks, mrs. Mcconky.

- Mm.
- Mrs. Mcconky.

Wow. Okay.

- Mmm. Mmm.

Buttery.

Mmm. Flaky.

Salty. [chuckles]

That's a good croissant.

- You just made a
great first impression.

- I also brought this.
It's a thank you card.

My way of saying thank you.

- What a nice gesture, huh?

- Well, technically,
the captain picked you.

So this card really
should go to him.

- You can open it
for both of us.

- Aw, come on. It's
a glitter card.

I hate glitter.
- No, no.

He's just messing
with you, probie.

He loves glitter cards.
- Oh, good.

The words aren't mine,
but the sentiment is.

- "you donut know how
much this means to me."

- They didn't have
one with croissants.

I looked everywhere.

- Why didn't you
just buy donuts?

- Jeez, I-I didn't
even think of that.

Great idea.

There's also a
starbucks card in there.

It's got my name on it,

But caffeine makes
me, uh... [moans]

- That's how I'm
feeling right now.

Like, ahh.
- Mm. Mm.

- Okay, okay, okay.
- There's glitter everywhere.

I hate glitter. You can
never get rid of it.

It's like the taste of
garlic in your mouth.

Why are you not
looking me in the eyes?

- I-I wasn't sure
if it was okay.

- What do you mean "okay"?
- You know what?

Let's let the chief get
back to work, shall we?

Come on, let's take a
tour of the station.

- Okay.
- I'll meet you out there.

- Not a good start.
- Remember how much

You liked the croissant?

- There's glitter
on my croissant.

I just ate glitter.
- It's the thought that counts.

- Yeah, whatever.

♪ ♪

Mm.

- Okay, and this is
the apparatus floor.

Granny's gonna show
you how to load

Those hoses onto the engine.

Go get him, k*ller.
- Thanks, cap.

♪ ♪

- Hey. Hey, what are you doing?

- Cap said that...
- Never mind what he said.

Take a seat. Relax.

- But you can't
ignore a direct order.

He's your superior.
- Can you keep a secret?

I'm actually his superior.
- But he outranks you.

- That's what I'm
trying to tell you.

I'm here sh**ting
"undercover boss."

There are cameras everywhere.
- What are you talking about?

- I own this entire place.

- How do you own
a fire department?

- This whole area used to be

One of my family's
apple orchards.

The city decided to put a
fire department on top of it.

That's how I became the owner.

But that's our
little secret, okay?

- Now that you mention it,

I can make out the
faint smell of apples.

- You've got a
keen nose, probie.

- Thank you.
- Probie!

What's with all these hoses?

If a call comes
in, we're screwed.

Get these hoses in the engine.
- Yes, ma'am.

- Do I look like
a "ma'am" to you?

- Yes, ma'am. That is a term

For a female superior, ma'am.

- Okay, well, even if it is,

Stop saying it like you mean it.

Move it. Let's go!

- [chuckling, groaning]

- [chuckles] man,
I am loving this.

I feel like people who
have issues with abuse

Have never actually
abused someone before.

Go ahead. Haze mickleberry.
- Nah. And his name's andy.

Let's just keep
calling him andy.

- [whimpering]

- Is this the way he
acts under pressure?

Because that is not a good sign.

- [laughs] he's totally cool.

- I've done this a million
times at the academy,

But with all you guys watching,

Um, I'm just,
like... [whimpering]

[chuckling]
- hey, man. Hey, hey.

- Um... Are you okay?
- Get...

- I-I didn't mean to do that.
- This...

Get this off me. Get off me.
- Woof.

You sure about this guy, cap?
- Damn it, probie.

Ah! What are you doing, man?

Get off me.
- Yeah.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[microwave beeps]
- [chuckles]

Pot pie.

- [laughing]

How can you not love cat videos?

- 'cause they're
a waste of time.

- They're hilarious.

God, I love cat videos.

[chuckling] look at
this. He's winking.

[laughing]

- Hey.

There's glitter on my pot pie.

I told you, glitter is the
herpes of the craft world.

- Hey. Herpes is
nothing to joke about.

It's a serious problem.
For some people.

- Yeah, well, I blame you.

You know reggie bon jovi's
over at station 12 right now?

And it turns out he
is bon jovi's nephew.

And he rides a
motorcycle to work.

A steel horse, eddie.

On a steel horse he rides.
- Whatever.

Mickleberry's gonna wipe the
floor with reggie bon jovi.

- All I know is that instead

Of being covered in
glitter, right now

I could have bon jovi
pourin' some sugar on me.

- That's def leppard,
you doorknob.

- Well, every rose
has its thorn.

- That's poison.
- Here I go again.

- That's whitesnake.
- I'm livin' after midnight.

- That's judas priest.
- I'm hungry like the wolf.

- That's duran duran.
- Karma chameleon.

- That's culture club.
What, are you senile?

- I'm still gonna eat it.

- [laughing]

Look at his face.

[laughing]

- Faster, mickleberry.
You should have been done



We could get a call any minute.

- Okay, I... it doesn't
fit. I need more time.

- Oh, you know who
else needs more time?

Everyone in a burning building.

- Okay, okay.
Just stop yelling.

- Oh, come on. This
isn't real pressure.

You know, just stop. Stop.

Go get the stabilizing
chains off the shelves.



- Ahh...

- How's my boy doing?
- Not my boy.

- I didn't say he was your boy.
- Well, he's not. Okay?

Never will be.

- Is he crying?
- He's been really emo today.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- [sighs]
- how's the probie doing?

- He is really bad
under pressure.

Ten seconds!

- Like, fixable bad
or hopeless bad?

- Uh, pretty hopeless, I think.

- Mm.

[crashing]

- Oh, no.

- [sighs] I'll fix him.

Mickleberry!

♪ ♪

Damn it. It's not even fun
to say his name anymore.

- Admit it, cap. You
picked yourself a lemon.

- You know, lemon's
a hateful word.

He's gonna be fine.
- Oh, I don't know, cap.

Honestly, I think you're
off on this one. He's...

- Hey, you think you two guys

Came out of the
academy ready to go?

You didn't.

You got ten more seconds

To get that gear on, probie.

- It's just really hard
with you screamin' at me

Like that, sir.
- Get used to it. Let's go!

- Ugh. Talk to the hand.
- What did he say?

- What did you say?
- No, I said, like,

"talk to the hand 'cause
the face ain't listenin'."

It's a saying. Like,
everybody says it.

- Toilet duty.
- No! Wait!

- [chuckling] oh,
man. Talk to the hand.

That's such a cool saying.

Why on earth did I
stop saying that?

- And you...

Come on, you're
failing, granfield.

Every second counts.

Tick, tick, tick. Let's go.

Faster!
- Aah!

[hose clangs]

f*ck this!

- Wow, cap.

Talk to the hand,
you know what I mean?

- Toilet duty.
- What? No.

- I did not look like will
smith from "concussion."

- Oh, yes, you did.
- What's your point?

- My point is, you
guys figured it out,

And I think he will too.

Hey, probie, you pick
out a gear locker yet?

- Not yet. It's a
lot of pressure.

I don't know whether to pick one

Closer to the pole
or the engine.

I'm gonna go try again.

[door opens, closes]
- [chuckles]

Cap, come on. The kid's a mess.

He can't even pick
out a gear locker?

Are you kidding me?
- Hey.

Talk to the hand, 'cause
the face ain't listenin'.

♪ ♪

- Wow. What the f...

♪ ♪

Wow, I never realized
how hurtful that was.

- It's all right, man.
- No, it's just shocking

When it just jumps
out at you like that.

- Don't let it get to you.
- And I also feel badly

That I've done that a lot.
- I get it.

But at least you're
taking responsibility now.

- I said it to my mom, man.
- Hey, hey.

- Sweet.

There. The perfect locker.

- Good choice, mickleberry.

Hey, by the way, where
does mickleberry come from?

Is your dad irish or...
- No, mexican.

My dad changed his last name
when he came to america.

- To mickleberry?
- Yeah.

His original last name
was "migelberrio."

So... Mickleberry.

- Do you ever think
about changing it back?

- Um, not particularly, no.
[door opens, slams]

- What the hell kind
of parking job is this,

Granny? The engine's
blocking the door.

- Ike parked it there.
- You drive the ambulance.

Don't you think you
should have told ike

To park the engine
someplace else?

What's goin' on back there, guy?

What are you doing? You
doing a dance routine?

[alarm blaring]
- uh...

- Rescue 42. Respond
on the medical.

Priority one...
- Case in point.

A medical call.
- There's a man down.

- No. It's a medical
call, probie.

It's just granny and
lucy. You know what?

Why don't you move the
engine out of the way?

- Me?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just drive it forward
so granny can get out.

Let's go! [claps]

You're gonna be great.
- Cap, you sure that's wise?

- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Watch this kid soar.

♪ ♪

Put it in gear.

Drive it forward.

[beeping]
- ahh! Ahh!

- No, forward! Forward!
- Not backwards! No, no, no!

- Forward, forward!

Forward! Oh, god. [crashing]

Son of a bitch, mickleberry.
- Oh, my god.

[car alarm blaring]

Great pick on mickleberry.

- Jeez, you guys, he sucks.

- The engine's damaged.
My suv is damaged.

And there's glitter everywhere.

It's under my nails.

It's behind my ears.

And look at this, hmm?

This is my urine.

My bladder is a
freakin' snow globe.

- Why'd you whiz in a cup?

- To show you what
you did to me.

- Is that a gallstone in there?

- Don't change the subject.

You picked a guy 'cause
he had a silly name.

And he's not even close to
being neo from "the matrix."

Admit it. You messed up.

- You're right.
I made a mistake.

- Admit it! You
made a mistake.

- I just did.
- [grumbles]

I expected more pushback.

You know what your problem is?

You make your decisions
on gut instinct.

And your gut instinct stinks.

- That's actually
your cup of piss.

- Go fire him.
- What? Why me?

- Because if you
buy the groceries

And the groceries go bad,

You throw out the groceries.

Go fire him. That's an order.

- Oh, come on, what
about that sweet

Chuck e. Cheese
everyday hero story?

- Fire him.
- Fine.

Enjoy your apple juice.

- Thank you.

[slurps, gulps]

Ugh! Pah!

[spits]

[groans]

Eddie!

- Yeah, mom, it's like I'm
walking on a cloud here.

I've had some bumps, but
everyone's been supportive.

It's kind of corny,
but... [chuckles]

They're already like family,

Which is exactly what
I needed, you know?

Since papi d*ed.

And now I can finally
help with the mortgage

And abuelita's dialysis.

Gracias a dios.

By the way, captain penisi,

He's even cooler than
I thought he'd be.

You should see how
dope his hair is.

Anyway, uh, see you at home.

[speaking spanish]

Adios. [chuckles]

- Hey, mickleberry.
- Hey, cap.

I wanted to explain
about before.

You shouldn't yell at granny
because he secretly owns

The station.
- Say what now?

- Yeah. He told
me not to tell you

But I really don't want
you to get into trouble.

He's an undercover boss.

- [chuckles] really? Okay.

Well, I'll deal with that later.

We need to talk. Have a seat.

[alarm blaring]
- Mva, engine 24.

- Oh, saved by the bell.
- Rescue 42.

Respond priority one
to 3rd avenue and...

- Yeah.
- And dalton street

For the two-car mva
with unknown injuries.

♪ ♪

[siren wailing]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Ike, stay with the engine.

Granny and lucy, help
the people in the sedan.

I'll check the driver
in the blue car.

Mickleberry, you stay with ike.

♪ ♪

I'm captain eddie penisi, ma'am.

Do you know your name?

- Anastasia.
[buzzing]

- What are you
transporting back there?

- m*rder hornets.
- m*rder hornets?

- For medical research.

[buzzing]
- that crate is open.

♪ ♪

- We are so f*cked.

- We gotta get you out of here.

- Okay.

♪ ♪

[groans]

Okay. Oh...

- There we go. There we go.

You're gonna be okay.
- Anastasia.

- What's your last
name, anastasia?

- No, anastasia is my
cat. She's in the car.

[cat meowing]

You have to get her out

Or the m*rder hornets
will m*rder her.

- Okay.
[cat meowing]

[somber music]

♪ ♪

[dramatic music]

- Hey, somebody get that cat

Out of the car!

Be careful, there's
m*rder hornets in there.

- m*rder hornets?
- What? Shut up.

- Nope.

- I'll do it.

[thunder rumbling]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

No.

[buzzing]

♪ ♪

[buzzing stops]

- He's the one.

♪ ♪

[cat meowing]

- Ahh! Ow! Aah!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Aah, aah, aah, aah.
- No, no, no.

Go over there.
- No, no, no! Over there!

No, no, no.
- [shouting]

♪ ♪

[cat meowing] hi. I
got you, baby. Yeah.

♪ ♪

- Oh. Oh...
- Here you go.

Here you go.

- We got your cat.
- Thank you.

♪ ♪

- Ooh.

- You did good in there, kid.

- Thanks, mrs. Mcconky.

[moans]
- hey, you know what?

I'm not gonna call
you andy anymore.

What's your real name, pal?
- Andy.

- Ah, poor fella.
No, what's your name?

What's your real name?

- It's andy. I'm
andrés mickleberry.

- Ha!
- Oh, crazy.

- Hey, granny?
- Yeah, kid?

- Did you get me rescuing
the cat on camera?

- Yeah. Yeah, I did.

Next time, don't worry
about the m*rder hornets.

Just get the cat out.

- Smart idea.

I'm in a lot of pain.

- Mickleberry, you showed
me something today.

What you did was
brave and selfless.

You came through in the clutch.

And you saved a cat.

- I still can't
believe I rescued

My favorite animal of all time.

- Well, you did. Believe it.

It was actually
very penisi of you.

- Hey, cap,

What was that thing you
wanted to tell me before?

- Don't you worry your
pretty little head

About it, mickleberry.

Everything's cool.

- Okay, cool.

[groans]

- Is he dead?

- Oh, there it is.
Yep, he's alive.

- Good, good.
- Sweet dreams, moonbeam.

♪ ♪

- f*ck you, reggie bon jovi.

Our probie went out
in a blaze of glory.

[laughter]

[rock music]

- All right, mickleberry.

After great consideration,

We've come up with
your probie nickname.

- We dub thee...

m*rder hornet.

- Boom!
- Hey.

[applause]
- oh, this is awesome.

- Yeah.
- You earned it.

- It looks just like me.
- Mm-hmm. That's you.

- Hey.

There's glitter on my nose.

I can see it. Look at this!

I blame you for this.
- I'm happy about that.

- It's your fault.
- Baby oil on cotton balls

Is great for removing
glitter from skin.

I brought some for you.
- How do you know this?

- I went through a glam
phase in high school.

- That tracks.

- All right, let's see.

♪ ♪

Hey! It worked.

It worked! Ha!

Mickleberry, you are forgiven.

[chuckles] good work, man.

Hey, stop avoiding eye
contact. Right here.

Right here.
- Yes, sir.

- Look me in the eyes.
- Sir, yes, sir.

- And as for you,
undercover boss.

- [gasps]
- for disobeying my orders,

Toilet duty!
- Man, that's busted.

- Yeah, all right.

Hey, guys, I think it's time

To take an a shift photo.

- Hell yeah.
- Let's do it!

- Come on, m*rder hornet.
- All right. Okay.

- All right, a shift.
- Yes.

- Come on.
- Aw, this is gonna be good.

- All right, get up
here, mickleberry.

Come here, you.

- Okay, everybody, line up.

Come on, now. Get in.

This is gonna be
great. All right.

Everyone say "a shift," okay?

One, two, three...

[laughter]

We got you!

Good job, ike.
- Ramadoodle!

Welcome to station 24, probie!

Whoo!
- Nice.

- Good one, ikey!
- Yeah, buddy.

- Bing, bing.
[cackles]

- Here we go. Come on.
Let's take it again.

- All right,
probie. Good work.

- Mickleberry!

[camera shutter snapping]