02x02 - Paris is for Lovers, Not Mothers

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola Excuse me.

Just gonna get the bread there.

Show him.

Baked by your sister and left on Kofo's scooter.

Did you tell her you're not interested? I did not.


- You said you said rara.


-
- Did you not say rara?
- Honestly, rara.

I met someone new.

His name is Randy, and you guys are going to love him.

This is Douglas Wheeler.

Who's this? Randy.

No, I do not know Kofo, and I do not know why he's there.

Bob.

Will you marry me? Yes.

Chamomile with honey.

Thank you.

How come you're not wearing your engagement ring? Please tell me you're not holding out for a better deal.

What are you talking about? Eh, the ring tells guys that you're taken.

You know, keeps them from sniffing around.

That's disgusting.

Nobody sniffs around me.

I do not wear the ring to work because I cannot fit a surgical glove over a large diamond.

Oh.

Yeah, that makes sense.


- And I'm glad you think it's large.


- Mm.

And what do you wear so women don't sniff you? I don't have to wear anything.

This ratty mustache keeps 'em away.


(LAUGHS) So, uh, I'm thinking we could, uh, go out for dinner and celebrate our engagement.

Oh, that's nice.

But why don't I just cook something? Well, I guess you could, but wouldn't you rather get all dolled up and go somewhere fancy?
- Dolled up?
- Yeah.

You know, wear something sexy.

Ah.

So you want men to sniff around me.

I want them to want to.

Then they'll see the ring and be crushed.


(CHUCKLES) You are a crazy person.

And you are the whackjob that's marrying me.

Uh
-uh.

I said I wanted ice cream.

Yes, I'm sorry.

Mummy ate the last of your Chunky Monkey.

But my name was on it.

I brought grapes.

They are very sweet.


- Try one.


- My name was on it.

Just try one.

Okay.

Feed me.

Mmm.

Not bad.

Grape.

Kemi, I have to tell you something.

You don't have to thank me.

We are consenting adults.

Grape.

This weekend is my mother's 70th birthday.

70? Is that what she's telling you? And it has been a lifelong dream of hers to go to Paris.

Yes, and also mine.

I know.

But I have made plans to take Mummy.

And not me? Not this time.

Grape? You are going to Paris without me? I know I should have told you sooner, but I was afraid you might be angry.

So you made plans to take your mother behind my back.

I'm telling you now.

But you waited till after we had delicious sex.

My timing is unfortunate.

No, it's fine.

I'm happy for you.

I'm happy that you and your mummy will be strolling down the Champs
-Élysées while I am riding a bus in Detroit.

Grape!
(HISSES)
("IFANLA" BY SOLA AKINGBOLA PLAYING) I do not see why you are upset, though.


- I think it is very nice.


- Yeah.

I hope my son takes me to Paris one day.

Then you are as ridiculous as they are.

Paris is for lovers, not mothers.

That's true.

It'd be a nice place for a honeymoon.

Does Bob speak French?
(SCOFFS) He barely speaks English.

Kemi, Chukwuemeka is doing a very nice thing for his mother.

Would you rather be with a man who did not care about the woman who raised him? Yes! I thought I was very clear about that.

Shame on you.

GLORIA: Yeah, I got to go with the Bride of Sock Man.

Shame.

So neither of you are on my side? What, you want us to lie? Fine.

You should go to Paris instead of his mom, Chukwuemeka doesn't deserve you, and out of all your wigs, that one's my favorite.

Is there something wrong with my wig?
- Lie.


- No.


(KNOCKING) Sounds so real.

Douglas.

Oh.

Hey.


- What's up?
- I got to ask you a favor.

Now? I'm kind of swamped.

Tonight, I'm taking Abishola out to celebrate.

That new place at the riverfront called and they said they have a table open.

So what's the favor? Do you mind watching Mom?
(GROANS) Can't Christina do it? Christina's got therapy tonight, and I don't want her skipping that.

All right.

No problem.

Okay, you got to drive Mom home, get her some dinner, take her to the bathroom, and put her to bed.

Oh, in that order?
- Don't push your luck.


- Sorry.

Now, we'll have to switch cars, 'cause her wheelchair won't fit in yours.

So you'll be driving my 'Vette? Yeah, and you'll be driving my Cadillac.


(SCOFFS) Your Cadillac is a beanbag with wheels.

My Corvette is a rocket ship.

With wheels.

You got to know how to drive it.

Don't worry.

I'll be gentle.

See? Right there, first instinct is wrong.

You got to drive it hard, like you're mad at it.

Just focus on keeping Mom alive.

She'll be fine.

Worst
-case scenario, I got 911 on speed dial.


- OPERATOR: 911.

What's your emergency?
- Uh Sorry.

No emergency.

Cancel the SWAT team.

Nobody's been taken hostage.

I said "nobody.

" No, there are no hostages.

You got a nice voice.

What's your name? Hello.


(QUIETLY): Hello.

Yogurt?
(SIGHS) What's the point? It has probiotics, which promotes gut health.


- What's wrong?
- My heart is broken.

It's just a rock.

It's not just a rock.

When Christina's rugged boyfriend threw me to the unforgiving Arizona ground, I was humiliated.

Luckily, I hit my head on this beautiful heart
-shaped rock.

It was a sign.

I knew right then there was still hope for us.

Your sign is doo
-doo.


- What?
-
(SNIFFS) This is a piece of doo
-doo.

Probably from a cow.

That's why so many dogs have been following me.

I am sorry, cousin.

Don't be.

You tried to warn me not to get involved with her, but my ears were closed to the truth.

It is not your fault.

You were deafened by forces bigger than you.


- What do you mean?
- Don't you see?
(QUIETLY): You have been bewitched.

You think so? Remember when Christina made that cake with your face on it?
- Yeah.


- She trapped your spirit inside those creamy chocolate layers.

Oluwa mi o.

We need to defeat her magic with our own.


- How?
- I will seek the counsel of my great
-grandmother, who still knows the old ways.

Or I will find a video on YouTube.


(GROANS)
(GROANS LOUDLY) What? They haven't even left the country yet, and already his mother is taunting me.

She is just eating a pastry, now.

A croissant! Do you not see the symbolism?
- I'm sorry, eh.

I have to go.


-
(BELL RINGS) Like everybody in my life.

Bonsoir.

Are you going to be okay? Oui.


- All right.


- Abishola? Hmm? I don't say it enough, but you are a good friend, and I am so fortunate to have you.


-
(KEYS JANGLE)
- If we have time, I can do your nails.


- Uh
-uh.

What is wrong with my nails?
-
(SIGHS) You are so lucky I'm here.


-
(SHUTS OFF ENGINE)
-
(EXHALES) If I got in, I should be able to get out.


(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
(STRAINING)
(SHOUTS, GRUNTS) You okay, buddy? Do I look okay? Not really.

Are you gonna help or you gonna watch?
- I think I'm gonna watch.


-
(GROANS) At first, our relationship was just physical.

You know, like wrestling but sweatier.

But somewhere along the way, I started to have feelings for him.


- Oh, that's a good thing, Kemi.


- No.

Because now I miss him.


- He'll be back.


- Yes.

Back under his mother's arthritic thumb.

Other hand.

I have terrible thoughts about her, Abishola.

Terrible, terrible thoughts.

Well, every woman has problems with the mother of I want her dead.


- Ah.


- I know, I know.


(EXHALES) She is extremely allergic to shellfish.


- Kemi, what are you saying?
- Nothing.

Maybe a cocktail shrimp falls in her coffee.

Blow.


-
- We pray that God removes this juju from the head of Kofoworola Omogoriola Olanipekun.


- Amen.


- And that this woman's beguilement of this poor, innocent fool be banished to whence it came.

Amen? We pray that the tentacles of desire be amputated and cast into the abyss.

Do I use conditioner after this? Shh! May you quench his libido and douse the fire in his loins.


- My loins are fine.


- I said be quiet.


- What are you doing?
- Hang on.

Okay.

This next part gets weird.

This is nice.

Just me and my mom.

I'm driving Miss Dottie.

Did you see that movie? What movie? You know, Bob was concerned I might not be able to take care of you.


(CHUCKLES) Isn't that funny? Isn't it? Douglas, that was a pointed silence.

Pointed taken.

Hey, as long as I got you here, how would you feel about me getting a little title bump at work? What are you now? VP, Human Resources.

Well, what do you want to be? President, Human Resources? Emperor?
- It's funny.


- I got it.

Archduke, Human Resources.


- Mom, I'm being serious.


- So am I.

Why can't I just be vice president of the whole company? You know, with a corresponding increase in salary.

Oh, honey, you should've took archduke while it was on the table.

Come on, I've earned this.

You haven't earned anything.

You were born into this job.

So were Bob and Christina.

You don't hold it against them.

Of course I do.

They break my heart every day.

This is not fair.

I am not giving you a promotion.

You're overpaid as it is.

Well, if that's how you feel, maybe I shouldn't be working at MaxDot at all.


- Maybe you shouldn't.


- Maybe I shouldn't.


- Fine!
- Fine! So, what else is going on with you? Hmm.


- This is Douglas's car?
- Yeah.

Oh.

It's very nice.

Glad you like it.

I live in it now.

What does that mean? Oh, you'll see.

So, tell me about your day.

Mm, I'd rather not.


- Is something wrong?
- No.

I've just been talking to Kemi nonstop.

I'd like to not talk for a little while.

Okay.

You want to hear about my day? If you must.

This is shaping up to be a great night.

If you don't feel like it, we don't have to have a big, fancy engagement dinner.

It does not matter to me.

I'm just happy to spend time with you.

So you don't care where we go? No.

You pick.

So you're on record, it's up to me.


- Yes, Bob.


- Great.

No takebacks!
(TIRES SQUEALING) Yeah, let me get, uh, two Coney Dogs, a Loose Burger, two chili cheese fries and two milkshakes.

All right, what do you want? Ever since we started seeing each other, his mother has stood in the way.

She objects to my age, to my being a widow, to my hating her.

I cannot win.

And you never will if you take on Ogechi.

Don't be so certain.


(CHUCKLES) I have known Ogechi for many, many years.

I've never seen her lose a fight.

She's mean as a snake.

It is true.

Her nickname at church is Sweetie Pie.

That doesn't sound mean.

We say it ironically.

"Shh.

Here comes Sweetie Pie.

" Well, she may be a nasty snake, but I am a clever mongoose.

Oh, really? Tell me, mongoose, are you the one in Paris with Chukwuemeka? Because it appears you are here in Detroit, crying and whining.

Please, continue.

Your problem is that Chukwuemeka loves his mother more than life itself, and that will never change.

Then what can I do? There is only one thing.

What? Please, guide me.

You must be more Ogechi than Ogechi.

That sounds unnatural.

If done right, it is.


- Okay, you all set here?
- I think so.


- Thanks, honey.


- You're welcome.

And listen, I'm sorry about earlier.

I overreacted.


- You did.


- Well, water under the bridge.

Heat of the moment, things were said.


(CHUCKLES): Obviously, I don't want to leave the company.


- Obviously.


- Okay.

Good night.

Douglas? Yeah? I really do want to give you that promotion and raise.

But? I want you to earn it.

Oh.

Then forget about it.

No, no, no, no.

Come over here.

Sit down.

Honey, you need to prove to yourself and everyone that you deserve your place in the company.

Can't you just tell them I do? They'll believe you.

Listen, just because you were born on third base doesn't mean you can't learn how to hit a home run.

So, you're putting me on first base? Oh, no, you're not even in the dugout.

You're in the parking lot, selling churros.

Is that a metaphor, or is that my new job? I want you to start working on the warehouse floor.

Packing, shipping, cleaning.


- Sounds hard.


- It is.

But after a year or two, you'll be a different person.

You'll have a new respect for the company and a new respect for yourself.

Yeah, but a year? Or two.

But won't it be weird, me making so much more money than all the other guys on the warehouse floor? You're right.

From now on, you'll make minimum wage.

Oh, come on! What did I do to deserve this? Nothing, honey.

That's the point.

Trust me, this'll be great for you.

Okay.

Now give Mommy a kiss good night.

Okay.

Love you.

Okay.

Okay.


(CHUCKLES): We really should not eat like this.

Hey, you don't vote, you can't complain.

I used to come here all the time.

One year for Lent, I gave up other restaurants.

I can see why you had a heart att*ck.

Hey, that hurt my feelings.

Excuse me while I make the pain go away.

All better.


(LAUGHS) You laugh, but this place got me through some tough times.

After my dad d*ed, I brought Douglas and Christina here.

The night I found out about Lorraine's affair, I drove around for hours and then ended up here at 2:00 in the morning.

Doesn't that just make you sad? Okay.

Hold that thought.

Now eat one of those fries and try to stay sad.

See? It's like the grease is giving you a hug.

Mmm.

There were days
- I could have used a place like this.


- Oh, yeah? Like when?
- Never mind.


- Hey.

Come on.

We got to be able to talk about this stuff.


(SIGHS) Like when my husband Tayo said he was leaving us to go back to Nigeria.

That must have been rough.

He could not find a job, so he wanted to go back home, and I wanted to stay and keep trying.

I was willing to struggle to give Dele a better future, but he was not.

He did not come here for his family.

He came here for himself.

I'm sorry you went through that.

Don't be.

It got me here.

Eating chili dogs with your fiancé.

Yes, we are engaged! No one sniff around.

Don't show off the ring.

This isn't a great neighborhood.

Hi, Kofo.

Hello, Christina.


(EXHALES) I want to apologize for what happened in Arizona.

Oh, it
-it's okay.

I should never have gone there.

I'm glad you did.

Made me realize that what we have is special.

Oh, no.

We cannot do this.

Goodwin went through six bars
- of black soap.


- Shh.

Oluwa mi o.


(PANTING) Oluwa mi o!
(WHISPERS): Goodwin.

Goodwin.


(WHISPERING): What? I am still bewitched.

I'll get the soap.

Your wife is a deep sleeper.

Shh!
-
-
(DOORBELL RINGS) Welcome home, my darling.

Oh, Kemi, I missed you so much.

I missed you, too.


- You look so beautiful.


- Do I?
- Yes.


- Hmm.

And stylish.

Is that new? This? It is old.

Very old.

What is that smell? It seems familiar.

Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds.

I think that's what Mummy wears.

Oh! What a coincidence.

Would you like to see the gifts I brought you from Paris? You brought me gifts? Oh.

You are such a good boy.

Anything for my mummy.

I mean, my Kemi.


(BOTH LAUGH)