04x18 - A Hundred CCs of Handsome

[bunniefuu]

(ALL GROANING)

So the pitcher guy is trying

to hit the wooden thing?

The bowler tries to hit the wicket.


(IMITATING UNCLE TUNDE): Oh,

the bowler is trying to hit the wicket.

Everything about cricket sounds made up.

You should join our fantasy league.

I barely know the rules.

That is why I am inviting you.

It is time for me to head home.

Kemi likes to rub my abs

as she drifts off to sleep.

Olu does that, too.

But on the belly of a sea otter.

Hey. You guys still spending

every night together?

Yes. Kemi demands passionate nights

and pancakes in the morning.

You two sound like

you're already married.

When are you gonna throw

a ring on her finger?

I would love to,

but it is not the right time.

Kemi deserves to marry

a head pharmacist,

not some lowly pill jockey.

A handsome pill jockey.

Oh, Bob. You're too kind.


- Do you love her?


- Yes.


- Does she love you?


- Yes.

Her and your mom still

trying to k*ll each other?

Only sometimes.

That's an improvement.

You hear that, Pastor?

Sounds like wedding bells.

And I happen to know someone

who can perform a riveting ceremony.

It is him.

He's talking about himself.

Just discussing this,

my hands have begun to sweat.

Well, don't be nervous,

it's the right decision.

Sometimes you just

got to take that leap.

Proverbs 18:22 says,

"He who finds a wife, finds a good thing

and obtains favor from the Lord."

Look at that,

you got Jesus as your wingman.

I am going to do it.

I am going to propose to Kemi.

Let's hear it for Chuey!


-
(CHEERING)


- Congratulations.

I will take Mummy ring shopping.

She and Kemi have the same size fingers.

No idea why you know that,

but we're happy for you.

Thank you, Bob.

Anytime, pal.

That's nice, huh?

Yes. And you talked him into it.


- What does that mean?


- Nothing. I'm sure it will be fine.


("IFANLA" BY SOLA AKINGBOLA PLAYING)

Mmm. This wine is delicious.

Ah, it was a gift from Chukwuemeka.

Why would another man send you wine?

Well, that's between me and Chuey.

This does not concern you?

It's nothing bad.

All I can say is love is in the air.

This does not concern you?

I am not worried.

Bob's secrets are always boring.

Okay.

Boy, egusi's good.

Just say it.

It's a thank
-you gift.

Now, don't tell anybody,

but you're looking at

the guy who encouraged

Chukwuemeka to propose to Kemi.


(SILVERWARE DROPS)

So I am looking at a fool?

I'm going to finish this in my room.

This is a good thing.

You don't have to leave.

I can see that you feel that way.

That's why I'm leaving.

Kemi has no interest in

getting married again.

If he does this,

their relationship

will never be the same.

Hey, have a little faith.

They might b*at the odds like us.

An American guy follows

this Nigerian nurse on a bus

with a bag full of socks?

A lot of people doubted that love story.

I am still amazed you made it.

Cheers.

We do not anticipate this

unit being available for long.

It is within walking distance

of two coffee shops and a dog park.

Oh, I would love to have a dog.

We do not allow pets.


- But you are .3 miles away from seeing them.


-
(CHUCKLES)


(GASPS)

I have always wanted a reading nook.

Ah, it is also the perfect spot

for you and your new

neighbor to play cards

and sh**t the breeze.


(LAUGHING)

It would be nice to have

you living above us.


- You have very light footsteps, like a cat.


- Oh.

When I lived above his garage,

Goodwin insisted on me being quiet.

From the hours of 10:00 p.m.

to 8:00 a.m.,

I had to sneeze into a pillow.

We were going to raise the

rent on the next tenant,

but since you are like family,

we will give you the

"like family" discount.

I'm sure he does not expect

any special treatment.


- I do not.


- Good answer.

Ooh, would it be okay

if I put up some whimsical wallpaper?

It is your castle, you are the king.

But there will be an extra charge.

Should I get a lease for you to sign?

Today? I
-I was not counting

on finding a place so quickly.

We are not lowering the rent.

The price is the price.

I just want to take my time.

What if we took $200

off your first month?

Stop hitting me, I like him!


(CHUCKLES)


- Hello.


- Hey.

I brought you potato

skins from the cafeteria.


- Oh, thank you.


- KEMI: Mm
-hmm.

I was going to eat it,

but, uh, I cannot today.

Okay, thanks.

Because I have big plans later.

That's nice.

Mm.

Ask me what I'm doing tonight!

Why? It always involves a

naked Chuey and coconut oil.

They do not use coconut oil,

it gives him a rash.

I should not know that.

And now I know that.

My man is taking me

out for a posh dinner.

No.

And he's picking me up in a limousine.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Sounds romantic. Where you going?

Mayfield's.

Ooh, that fancy place on the water?

Yes. Chukwuemeka is obviously

going to expect me to put out.

Which I will do in the following ways:


- First


- You cannot go there.

Um, that place is terrible.

Bob and I got food poisoning.

I will be fine.

I always sniff my oysters

before I sh**t them.

The valet scratched Bob's car.

Why are you trying to spoil my fun?

You sound jealous.

Yes, I am very jealous

that he gets to spend time with you.

Please, have dinner with me instead.

That is so sweet.

You want to spend time with me.

Let me think.

Abishola, sexy boyfriend?

You lose.

Enjoy your sad life.

You gonna eat those?

Thank you.

Over the past three weeks,

engagement with our

"Sock Lovers" campaign

has gone up 35% among those

who self
-identify as single

and into feet.

God bless those freaks,

they're loyal customers.

Why do they have to call them freaks?

Maybe they're just trying

to live their lives.

Okay, what's next?

Really? It's 4:45 on a Friday.

Don't you want to get

home to the wife and kids?

Yeah, they're probably

wondering where Daddy is.

Go home, Daddy.

Tiwa and the kids went to

her mother's for the weekend.

Which is good because there

is so much work to do.

Oh, I get it.

No wife, no Kofo,

you don't want to face the empty house.

You know,

sometimes I put on the Food Network

so I can pretend

I'm eating with someone.

It's got to be a little weird

not having your buddy out in the garage.

When my kids left home,

I didn't know what to do with myself.

Kofo is not my child, or my buddy.

He was a tenant,

who still owes me a cleaning fee.

It's okay to miss him.

And it's okay to let us go home.

So many things are okay.

Let us go over the inventory again.

Well, I gave it a sh*t. Good luck, guys.

I'm sorry you're lonely, honey,

but I got to get out of these pantyhose.

All right, great week, everybody.


- Sit down, Douglas.


-
(MOANS)


- You will help Christina and I finish up.


- CHRISTINA: Sounds great.

We'll order takeout,

we'll sit cross
-legged in a circle,

listen to some Enya.

Thank you, Christina, you may go home.

See you, sucker.

We were supposed to be

closer to the window.

Oh, that's okay.

I can see the reflection of the river

shimmering off your beautiful head.

I just want this night to be special.

Oh, it will be. For your wallet.

I haven't eaten since breakfast.

There they are.

Without making it too obvious,

get us as close as you

can to the bald guy.

What are you going to do?

Destroy their lives.

She's kidding.

Chuey wanted us here for support.

If you didn't want to do that,

you shouldn't have come.

I need to be here because

when this goes wrong,

I'll be able to tell Kemi

it was all your fault.


(CHUCKLES) Great.

Look who it is!

Our favorite lovebirds.

Whose lives we will not meddle in.

Hello, my friends.

What are you doing at

my romantic restaurant?

Uh, just having dinner.


- Pretend we're not here.


- Unless you need us,

then we are always here.

You are truly obsessed with me.

It is like Single White Female

except you are neither single nor white.

Kemi, relax.

More champagne?

Fine.

Cheers to my haters.

It's looking pretty romantic over there.

Poor Kemi.

She has no idea what is coming.

Hello! Stop looking at us!


- Kemi.


- Oh, my God. It's happening.

Oh, my God. It is happening.

I cannot imagine spending

my life with anyone but you.

I cannot imagine you spending your life

with anyone but me either.

I love you with all my heart.

What are you doing?

Oh, I see.

That is a beautiful ring.

Almost as beautiful as the

woman who will wear it.

Kemi

will you marry me?

You are a wonderful man.

But no, thank you.

Kemi. Kemi?

Kemi! If it helps,

I had nothing to do with this.

I took these on my way out.

Thank you.

While I was running,

I did not think to throw

some oysters in my purse.

Why would Chukwuemeka even

consider proposing to me?

Because he is a fool who was

influenced by another fool.


- Marriage is not for me.


- I know.

And that is okay.

I like my life the way it is.

Exactly what I told Bob.

Chukwuemeka deserves better.

What are you talking about?

Never mind.

That is a ridiculous thing to say.

There is no one better.

My husband was terrible,

but I was never a good wife to him.

I did not have dinner

waiting for him every night.

Or have perfectly manicured hands

to rub his fat, crusty feet.

You are not the reason

your marriage failed.

I am.

A good wife is selfless,

puts her husband first,

does not turn off her phone and

spend all night at the casino.

Chukwuemeka loves you

exactly the way that you are.

If he wanted a good wife,

he would not be with you.

Thank you for those sweet words.

So you're saying I should marry him?

Only if you want to.

But I told you I did not.

But you did not for the wrong reasons.

Okay, shut up, you are confusing me.

And you forgot butter.

You are a good friend.

Mr. Wheeler, I wanted to show you

my idea for our rollout campaign.

Fine.

I will come back another time.

I got time. Show me.

No, thank you. Your eyebrows are raised.

That is your yelling face.

No, that is his

"got in a fight with Abishola" face.


- Maybe both.


- Stop looking at my face!

There is the yelling.

When we are neighbors,

these are the work moments

we can discuss over brewskis.

I am still not sure about

taking the apartment.


- Why not?


- It is a big commitment.

What, are you scared of being happy?

This man's offering you

a beautiful life here.

You're just gonna run away?

Why is he angry with me?

It is not about you.

But underneath his screaming

is a great deal of wisdom.

Do you like the apartment?


- Yes.


- Can you see yourself there?


- Yes.


- Then stop thinking with this

and start thinking with this.

Oh, Bob. You are a poet.

I am sick of living my life in fear.

Uncle, I will take the apartment.


- Wonderful!


- BOB: Good for you.

Was choosing happiness so freakin' hard?

I accept your angry congratulations.

And I am getting a puppy.

Uh, my wife has made it

clear that is not negotiable.

BOB: Oh, for God's sakes,

let him have the damn puppy!

All right, I'll see what I can do!

Mm.

Hello.

Hey.


- Reliving the magic of our wedding?


- Mm
-hmm.

Look how much fun everyone is having.

And there's Kemi right in the middle,

life of the party.

Mm. She looks so happy riding

on that man's shoulders.

How can this be the same woman

who ran out of that restaurant?

She's just having a little self
-doubt.

Kemi may have a hard, prickly exterior,

but inside somewhere,

she's soft and sweet.

She is a Nigerian, not a pineapple.

She's prickly inside and out.

Maybe it comes from hanging

around too many Americans.

I'm around you all the time,

I have not changed.

Yesterday you bent over

to pet the neighbor's dog.

Because he has the eyes of a human.

Listen, I'm sorry I got involved.

You were right,

it's none of our business.

We have to find a way to

make Kemi marry Chukwuemeka.

You're right again, it is our business.

Look, I don't know

if this is gonna happen.

He's already looking

for jobs out of state.

He doesn't care what pharmacy it is.

He would leave CVS?

I heard he applied at a Walgreens.

No.

He's a man on the edge.


(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Hello, Kofo.

Goodwin.

I see you have erased

every sign of my existence.

How quickly a futon

becomes a pool table.

Are you here to beg to come back?

No.

In fact, I am about to sign

the lease on a new apartment.

I just came to pick up my mail.

I see.


- Thank you.


- No trouble at all.

If any more mail comes,

I will be honored to

hold on to it for you.

You're a good cousin.

But I set up forwarding

with the post office,

so you will not be bothered.

Well, mistakes happen.

And if they do, I will always be there.

I know you will.

Goodbye, Kofo.

Goodbye.

Goodwin.

Hmm?

Do you think we will ever

see each other again?

Yes, at work.

Oh, right. Silly me.

Morning, morning.

Good morning.

Why are you smiling like that?

You need to sit right here.

Why? What are you going to do to me?

All you need to know is

you are about to become

the center of attention.

Oh, okay.

This is for you, Kemi!


("BEST OF MY LOVE" PLAYING)


- Ooh.


- Hey!

Okay, I don't know what's happening,

but I like it.

Ooh, shake it, Gloria.


-
(LAUGHING)


- Shake it!

Come on, y'all.

Oh!

An embarrassing flash mob, for me?

Oh, I love it, I love it!


(LAUGHTER)

Never will I feel discouraged ♪


- 'Cause your love's no mystery ♪


- Hips. Ooh, hips.

Demonstrating love and affection ♪

Okay.

The choreography is a little basic,

but I am having fun, I'm having fun.

I like the way you make me

feel you about you, baby ♪

KEMI: That's it, hey!

More hips, more hips.

Oh
-oh,

you've got the best of my love ♪

The doctor prescribed

100 cc's of handsome.

Hello, my love.

Oh, Chukwuemeka.

This is too much, everyone is looking.

It's so embarrassing.

Kemi

Our friends pointed out

that I would be miserable

working at a Walgreens in Des Moines.

The only thing that would

make me more miserable

is to live a single day without you.

I refuse to give up on our love.

Oh, well, my hand is feeling

suddenly very naked.

I can help with that.

Kemi

will you marry me?

Oh, Chukwuemeka.

I have stipulations.

Of course you do, my love.

I will not be the

traditional Nigerian wife.

I refuse to wait on you hand and foot.

I would not want it any other way.

And I will be me.

The vivacious free bird

with big dreams and an ass to match.

You do you.

I will not even use the word "wife."

Well, then you may bejewel me.

Is that a yes?

Yes.

She said yes!


(CHEERING)

I am going to have a husband!

And I am going to have a Kemi.

It's growing every day ♪

My love, my love ♪

Oh
-oh ♪

Doo
-doo, doo
-doo,

doo
-doo, doo
-doo, ow! ♪

Is this everything?


(PANTING) Yes. Oh.

I have never had a whole

apartment to furnish.

I think a trip to IKEA is in my future.

You are going to love living alone.

I
-I had my own place at university

and it was wonderful.

Every morning, I made

fried eggs and blasted Chaka Khan.


(LAUGHTER)

I am more Sade and bellinis.

Oh, and don't worry,

the dark thoughts are

few and far between.

I am sorry, what?

Well, there will be times

when you have a bad day,

you'll go home to your four walls,

longing for any other

living person to talk to.


- Oh.


- And it will cross your mind

that if you have a medical emergency,

no one will find you until the stench

of your decomposing body

alerts the neighbors.

Oh

But like I said
(CHUCKLES)

few and far between!

Enjoy your new apartment.

I will.