01x01 - First Day/Lockers

[bunniefuu]

Boy: in a middle school full of bullies,

Insane teachers,

And gross school lunches,

Ned bigby--that's me-- and my two best friends

Try to do the impossible--

Create a guide that will help you survive school.

Man: ♪ turn it up

♪ Looking out

♪ I'll survive with no doubt

♪ Never fear

♪ Bring it on

♪ Breaking down what's in my way ♪

♪ And I'm

♪ Finding my place in this world... ♪

Ned: "ned's declassified school survival guide"--

Your results may vary.

It's the first day of school,

And it can be totally frightening,

But the key to surviving it is whether you're ready

Or not.

[Buzz]

So avoid overstuffing the backpack.

It's dangerous,

And it might give you that helpless-turtle look.

And if you want a new do, get it two weeks early.

This will give it a chance to grow in.

The last minute mom job

Might give you an unwanted nickname for life.

Boy: hey! It's coconut head.

Aah!

Get him!

And remember, september is still summer.

So hold off wearing the new fall fashions

And heavy coat.

Ned, check out the coat.

Ha ha ha!

[Buzz]

Take that coat off. You're gonna get heatstroke.

No way. Chicks dig the fluffy coat.

[Laughter]

See? Schedule, schedule.

Let's see. Study hall together?

Yes! Lunch period together?

Yes! Gym period together?

[Buzz]

No!

And remember, the middle-school system

Will separate you from your best friends,

But you can use your electives to stay together at least once.

Plan ahead. Pick the same class.

It's simple.

Elective-- art class together--

Me, you, and...

Moze! Moze!

Schedule, schedule.

I--

I forgot to tell you guys--

I took cooking instead of art.

[Gasp] what?

It was your idea that we take art to stay together.

Cookie: we made an attempt

So we could have one class together.

The of us? Together?

Best friends? Together?

Take off that coat. You're gonna get heatstroke.

You like?

Yeah. It's fluffy.

Ned: forget the coat.

We've had classes together since the first grade,

And now we won't even have one elective together?

What were you thinking?

I was thinking that I'm a girl

Whose two best friends are guys,

And maybe it's time to add a best girlfriend to the list.

You have girlfriends.

You like moze, right?

Yeah. Hey, jennifer.

See?

[Slam]

Moze: yeah, but I'm thinking of best girlfriend.

You know, someone to talk about clothes, secrets, boys.

[Crickets chirping]

Braiding hair?

Oh! I can braid hair.

Don't admit that.don't admit that.

And cooking will give me a chance

To hang out and make a really good friend

That's a girl.

Oh, I get it.

We're more mature now,

And you need time away from our extreme manliness.

Raagh! Rrgh!

Nngh! Mmph!

Ahh!

You guys rock.

I knew you'd understand, and we still have lunch together.

So I'll see you there.

This won't be so bad.

I mean, what's the worst that can happen?

Moze is not sitting here?

Then it's my seat,

And you two are my new best friends.

Talk about cars, grease, and knocking skulls.

Oh!

Switch us into cooking.

Way ahead of you.

Done.

Now, make sure moze doesn't find out before :

Because then it's too late for her to switch out of cooking class.

Having a friend who's half man, half machine

Does have its advantages.

[Bell rings]

Moze: so you're not upset about me ditching you guys in art class?

Nah. No problem.

Take off that coat!take off that coat!

Forget it.

I'll eat later in cooking class.

Oh!

You switched into my cooking class?

I told you I needed time alone,

And you followed me, and you weren't even gonna tell me?

Yeah. Pretty much.

We all agreed to be together.

We made it a rule. It's in the guide.

Well, maybe the guide is wrong.

[Gasp] aah!

Don't follow me.

Not yet.

Ok. Now.

I--i like your coat.

[Sniff]

A little help?

[Pop]

So...moze is trying to pull

The old wood-shop switcheroo.

You know what to do.

I don't.

Switch us into wood shop.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

The class is full. We can't get in.

No class is ever full.

It just reaches capacity,

And to get in,

All you need is teacher approval

And a decent speech.

We got lost in a sea of electives

And followed our stomachs, not our hearts.

Cooking class is not our passion. It's wood shop.

We love wood-- ash, balsa, cedar...

Drift!

Oh, yeah?

You love it this much?

Aah! Aah!

Ha ha ha!

It's prosthetic, a fake.

I lost that finger in the birdhouse of ',

And you know why I showed you that?

Because you're insane?

No.

Because wood shop is not about wood.

It's about conquering fear

With wood,

And when you conquer fear,

There isn't anything you can't do.

Fear is truly a disease, mr. Chopsaw,

And wood is the cure.

You're in.

What about me?

Oh, especially you.

Anybody can wear a fluffy coat like that all day

Has got to love t*rture.

All right. I'll see you guys at :.

We'll be here. :.

Calm, cool, and collected.

Man: ♪ so hot it hurts

So hot.

Burning.

I told you to take off that coat.

Chicks dig...

Fluffy.

Hey, guys.

So are we ready for wood shop?

Wood shop?

I'm not taking wood shop.

There's not a single girl in that class,

And you got that nut job chopsaw.

You went in to sign up.

We saw you.

I went in to trick you.

Then I went to sign up for another elective

That I'm not telling you about.

Good, huh? Very good.

And, oh,

It's too late for you to change.

Bye.

We've still got seconds.

Find out what elective moze picked.

Hurry!

Ned: seconds. Come on. Come on!

There's only one spot open.

Transfer a kid out and put us in.

Quick...uh! Water.

Done. Yes!

Now what class are we in?

Gwen stefani: ♪ hey, baby, hey, baby, hey ♪

[Bell rings]

Life science?

Where's moze?

Monroe: jennifer mosely?

You know, her name was taken off the list

At the very last second.

Had to turn her away.

Felt kind of bad,

But I told her to embrace life's surprises.

You transferred moze out?

You splashed me. It was blurry.

Monroe: ahem.

I'm mr. Monroe,

And we now have an odd number of boys,

So you two will be the alternative family.

Oh, here's your baby.

[Baby crying]

It's a girl.

Chopsaw: ok, guys and g--

A girl? Ha! That's a first.

Well, I signed up for life science, but you know what?

I'm liking this.

Huh. Now, there's the can-do, in-your-face spirit

I want to see more of around here.

Unh!

Ah.

That's another first.

[Siren]

Get the coat off!

The zipper is fused from the heat.

And if we've learned anything about surviving the first day,

It's leave the fluffy coat at home.

Chopsaw: stop this thing, will you? Stop it.

It's just a scratch. See?

Cookie got heatstroke.

I drilled a hole in mr. Chopsaw.

And even though moze and I didn't share one class together,

Our friendship was going to survive.

We're gonna have to cut it off.

What?

Oh, not your hand. The coat.

What?

Chopsaw: man, just give me a band-aid. This is nothing.

Nothing!

Fire up the saw!

[Chain saw revving]

Cookie: no!

So I guess the only way

To be really ready for the first day

Is realize that nobody is ready.

Man: stand back! Cut it!

Cookie: no!

Chicks dig fluffy!

And again, don't wear the fluffy coat.

Ned: the school locker--

Cold, cagelike.

With a personal touch,

It becomes your home away from home.

This putrid rectangle of real estate may be small...

Ah-choo!

But it's the one place in school where you can do what you want

And show who you are,

But keep it clean.

Aging snacks will attract unwanted guests.

Whoa.

[Baby crying]

And since you can't pick your neighbors

And you'll be seeing the kid next to you

Times a day for the rest of the year,

Try to be courteous and friendly.

Hey. I'm ned.

Toot-toot!

[Squeak]

What's "toot-toot"?

Boy: whoa! What is that smell?

Hey, it's fart boy.

It wasn't me!

Get out of here.

It wasn't me!

Moze: so you said, "hi," and he said, "toot-toot,"

And then he--

Blasted the pants cannon.

It was a friendly hello, and then he--

Released the prisoners?

And they were doing hard time.

I got to do something about it,

Or I'm gonna be known as fart boy for life.

[R&b music plays]

So what do you think?

I think you hate that stuff,

But you think it will attract

New potential best friends that are girls.

Bingo.

Cool. You like mdo?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

It's like their music plays constantly in my head.

[R&b music playing]

Hey, check out suzie's locker.

[Laughter]

Ned: hey! Crabgrass stole your gross theme

But did it times better.

Moze: and she's ruining my "plan to find a best girlfriend" plan.

This is so not over.

You're scaring me.

Cookie: did you see?

They assigned me the locker at the edge of the universe.

It's too far away,

I can't get to gym on time,

And dirga is gonna k*ll me if I'm late again.

Isn't your gym class in, like, seconds?

Aah!

Heh heh. Wrong way.

Man: hello, everybody.

Van earl wright alongside partner

And olympic gold medalist willie gault

Welcoming you to "cookie's race to gym."

And here he comes.

Whoa. Impressive speed, van earl,

But speed in the halls is not always a good thing.

Halt! [Whistle blows]

Ooh, penalty flag-- running in the halls.

It looks like sweeney's warning

Is gonna run out cookie's clock.

[Ring]

And ms. Dirga is gonna k*ll him.

Listen, cook.

I don't care if your locker

Is on the ice planet of hoth.

If you're late for class tomorrow,

You get an "f."

Ha ha ha!

You are weak.

Ha ha ha!

Man: ahem. Attention students.

Principal finback saying the school is now on weasel alert!

Do not pet or [microphone feedback] the weasel under any circumstances.

Janitor gordy is working on the problem.

I'll teach you a lesson, you old weasel.

[Spaghetti-western music playing]

All: aww!

Gordy: weasel? Seen the weasel?

Have you seen this weasel? This weasel.

Have you seen this weasel?

Oh, I love kitties.

[Laughter]

Oh, man.

She outfuzzied you.

[Pop]

Ooh, tough break for moze,

But now to solve my big, giant, stinky locker problem.

Yeah.

Toot-toot!

[Gags]

Whoa!

Fart boy strikes again.

Run.

It wasn't me!

Now for plan "b"--

A locker far away from here

With the help of some advertising.

[Sniff]

Cookie: ned, ned, ned! Help!

If I don't get to gym on time today,

Dirga is gonna fail me.

Give me tips. I need tips.

Give me a second.

Ok. Got them.

If you have an out-of-the-way locker,

Or your gym teacher is a total dirga,

Check out these tips.

Sit close to the doors for fast getaways.

You'll be the first out...

[Bell ringing]

And you'll avoid the frustrating post-bell "door jam."

[Bowling pins clatter]

[Cat screeches]

Preset your lock's first two numbers

So later, you can open it with the classic one turn.

Avoid no-running rules with the "fast walk."

You'll look totally stupid but save valuable time...

Aw. Aw.

[Beeping]

[Buzz]

Ned: unless you're up against a sweeney.

Cookie: he said the fast walk

Is technically a slow run.

I'm dead.

Don't you have any more tips?

Give me a second.

I got nothing.

[Sobbing]

Come on. Give me some time.

I have to find a new locker.

I've got to check on moze's locker deal,

But the wheels are turning.

New tip on the way.

I'll be waiting...

Right here.

Oh, that's cute.

Free kitties.

You cannot top that.

Oh, yeah? Watch this.

[Choir humming]

It's like heaven

In a locker.

I did it.

I've got the number-one coolest locker in school.

But you don't care about having a cool locker.

No, but suzie does, and I b*at her.

Ned: was all this about b*ating suzie?

I thought you wanted to make friends that are girls.

Oh, yeah. Right.

I guess I got a little carried away,

But I won.

Moze: is that a weasel?

Gordy: weasel! Stand back! Weasel! Whoa!

[Glass shatters]

Where am i?

[Birds chirp]

Ned, I got a new locker for you.

You do? Yeah.

No more timmy toot-toot.

Gordy, that's awesome.

Hey, what about my locker that you just destroyed?

[Glass spilling on floor]

Gordy: ok, ned.

Step on into the inner sanctum here.

[Splash]

I'll have the night guy clean that up later.

Sure, you know, it's a fixer-upper,

But you're not gonna have any stinky neighbors in here, huh?

Gordy: weasel!

[Gibberish]

Get out of here. Save yourself.

I'll be all right.

Aah!

I'm never gonna get a new locker.

Mr. Ned bigby? Claire sawyer, future lawyer.

Claire, I've known you since pre-k.

Gordy: I'm fine. [Crash]

I represent lisa zemo.

Lisa is new to polk, has no friends,

And suffers from chronic nasal congestion.

Gordy: ha ha ha! Whoa! [Crash]

I've prepared a contract spelling out terms for a locker exchange.

You'll switch lockers with me?

Gordy: aw! No fair! No fair!

Claire: get back to us in study hall

With questions and/or conflicts.

Bring legal representation with you.

Gordy: ok. Help!

Didn't you go to law school?

Times.

Oh! Ooh!

Lisa agrees to the exchange,

Abiding you engage her in chit-chat when you see her in the hall

And let her sit with your "posse" every lunch.

And lisa understands timmy toot-toot

Drops the boz-ombs.

She has only a % smell capacity

And will not be bothered when timmy gets silent and violent.

Gordy: uh, kindly elucidate to page ,

Subsection "b," paragraph .

"A date with cookie"?

Ooh! Weasel!

Yeah. Yeah.

She likes the cyborg and wants to go skating.

It's a deal breaker.

Deal. What?

Ned: do this, and I promise you,

I will get you past sweeney and to gym on time.

Deal.

Wright: welcome to "cookie's last chance

To make it to gym class on time."

Looks like ned has built him

A mop-bucket slingshot.

Remember, don't try this at home.

Look at that boy go!

Aah! Aah!

Gault: it's fast,

But how do they expect to get that past sweeney?

[Beeping]

You wanted to see me, mr. Sweeney?

No, I didn't want to see you.

Toot-toot!

[Squeak]

No!

[Gagging and coughing]

Wright: ooh! Sweeney is down!

Total success for ned bigby's

"Cookie in a bucket to get him to gym on time" plan.

But the question remains-- can cookie b*at the bell?

Aah! Aah!

Ohh! Oh!

Out of the way! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Mama!

[Squeak squeak]

Waah!

Aah!

[Cheering]

Yes!

Gault: he did it. No "f" for cookie.

And just in time for dodgeball.

[Whistle blows]

[Record scratches]

[Whistle blows]

Ned, voice-over: so cookie got to class on time.

Moze built a temporary locker door in wood shop

That made her a bunch of new friends,

But not exactly the kind she was looking for.

She used solid oak, lacquered times.

She's gifted, truly gifted.

Will you all just go away?

Ned, voice-over: but she's got school days left.

She's moze. She'll be fine.

Girl: wow!

You like wooden lockers, too?

And I got some new locker turf

With no stink or unwanted neighbors.

[Squeaking]

[Sigh]

Hey, fart boy, welcome to the neighborhood.

Heh.

I must have tips for this.

If I don't, I will soon.