01x05 - Crushes/Dances

[bunniefuu]

Boy: in a middle school full of bullies,

Insane teachers,

And gross school lunches,

Ned bigby--that's me-- and my two best friends

Try to do the impossible:

Create a guide that will help you survive school.

Man: ♪ turn it up

♪ Looking out

♪ I'll survive with no doubt

♪ Never fear

♪ Bring it on

♪ Breaking down what's in my way ♪

♪ And I'm

♪ Finding my place in this world ♪

♪ And i...

Boy: "ned's declassified school survival guide."

Your results may vary.



It's crush time here at james knox polk middle school,

And no one is safe.

Ned.

And knowing the different types of crushes

Is one way to protect yourself from being crushed by a crush.

One of the most common types is

The "you're way out of your league

And don't have a chance in this lifetime" crush.

Next is the "someone likes you..."

Jennifer. Hi.

Ned: "but you don't like them..."

Hi. Gordy!

Ned: "and you don't want to hurt their feelings" crush.

You look busy. I'll catch you later.

Then there's the "you like them

"But you don't know if they like you

"And sometimes when you see them,

You babble like an idiot" crush.

Hi, ned.

Ka mooga doo smupple.

♪ Whoa-oh-whoa-oh-oh

Wait, what did you say?

Ka mooga doo smupple.

So why don't you just try asking her out in english?

Ask her out? I can't even say hello.

Besides, where am I going to take her?

You need some school sanctioned social event

That kids traditionally take dates to.

Hey, guys, big news. This friday is

The "dances with wolves" school dance.

And a friend of mine from the zoo

Is going to bring a real wolf!

That'll be fun! Wolf!

That'll work.

But I don't even know if she likes me.

I am not going to ask her to the dance

Unless I know she's going to say yes.

And the funny thing here is?

Oh, I'm just trying to remember

What it was like when I used to worry about things like that.

What? You see,

I've taken emotion out of the equation

And put love where it belongs:

In the hands of technology.

Sounds very romantic.

It's genius. You see,

My new perfect match computer program

Tells me exactly whom I should be matched up with

And guarantees they'll like me back.

I simply feed the computer

Some basic facts about myself,

And it comes up with the perfect match.

I'm thinking international super model

Martika.

Computer voice: computer scanning.

Perfect match. Perfect match

Lisa zemo. Lisa zemo. Lisa zemo.

This system needs a little tweak.

It will be martika.

It's meant to be.

So tell me. Say there was a guy

Who wanted to know if a girl liked him, but he--

You want me to find out if suzie crabgrass likes you.

How did you know?

I'm a girl.

We know everything, except how you could like her.

Come on. Smart, a good athlete, a hottie.

Can you find out for me, please?

Jennifer. Hi.

S-sorry. Got problems of my own.

Gordy!

Good luck with suzie.

Few things in school are more important than

Finding out if someone likes you.

Here are some tips on how to get the answer.

The first is, just ask.

It's what I call the direct approach.

Will you go to the dance with me?

No. But--

No further questions.

[Sobbing]

[Blows nose]

There are also many indirect approaches to consider.

First, you got to get noticed.

A simple "hello" is a good start.

Hey.

How's it going?

Hey, ned.

I'm seeing you all over the place today.

Heh heh. [Breathing hard]

So, she likes you.

I don't know yet,

But I think I pulled a muscle.

[Bell rings]

Good luck, loverboy. I got to go.

Another strategy for finding out if someone likes you

Is cookie's digital plan.

Hey, man.

Ned, I think I found the problem.

Just forgot to add in a few personal details,

Like my shoe size, health records,

And favorite hobbies. Heh heh.

Computer voice: computer scanning.

Nurse hunsucker. Nurse hunsucker. Nurse hunsucker.

Aah! No! Please--

What exactly are your hobbies?

Stand there. Don't move.

Hey, guys, have you seen moze?

I want to ask her something.

Moze: no, haven't seen her.

[Both coughing]

He's going to ask me to the dance,

And I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Moze, you can't hide from coconut head forever.

No, but I heard seth was going to ask me.

So I hide until he does

And then say I'm going with someone else.

It's genius.

Oh, gordy.

Wood shop, please.

You got it, ma'am.

Attention, everyone...

I got to find a way to hang out with suzie and her friends

So she can see the real me.

Right. So you can impress her, have fun,

And maybe she'll get a crush on you.

Mr. Monroe: I have an announcement.yeah, but where?

I'm looking for kids to help

Decorate the gym for the dance on friday.

Who wants to help?

You get to skip your next class.

Students: whoo!

Maybe you could--

Mr. Monroe: it'll be fun!

Let's go help.

Sounds great.

Moze: ned.

So she likes you.

Ned. We need the ladder.

I'm still not sure.

I think I need some legal advice.

A little help here. Ned!

It's my standard -page "do you like me?" Note.

It covers "she likes you as a friend,"

She likes you but doesn't "like" like you,

Et cetera.

Right. Where do I sign?

As your lawyer, it's my duty to tell you

That you'd be better off asking her directly.

Just stick to what I pay you for.

You don't pay me.

Right. Heh. Thanks, claire. Heh.

[Sighs]

I just got to put this where she'll see it.

Don't you have keys to all the lockers?

Yeah. This is more fun.

Uhh.

Here she comes!

Run.

I need a favor.

Now. Go on and tell him.

I don't know.

I'll be your best friend.

You are my best friend.

Right. Now, go.

Just go tell him that...

Moze doesn't want to go to the dance with you.

I'm sorry.

I don't care.

I'm supposed to ask if she'll go with seth.

What?

So, is she going to go with me?

Well, she--she's--ah, forget it.

It's so dumb.

I should've just used the direct approach and said,

Would you go to the dance with me?

Me?

Sure!

Huh? What?

I didn't think anyone would ask me

With all these injuries.

Ha.

Now I know why they call it a crush.

Got any room in there?

Hey.

Hey.

We need something to cheer us up.

Well, this'll do it. Heh heh.

I got it figured out. It will be martika.

I know it.

How do you know?

Well, I entered that I was looking for

Someone who will love me unconditionally,

Someone who will always be loyal,

Someone who will always be glad to see me.

Computer voice: computer scanning.

Computer scanning. Perfect match.

Siberian husky. Siberian husky.

Aah!woof, woof.

I don't mean to bust on your dream girl,

But she's a dog.

[Ned and moze laugh]

He was right. It did cheer us up.

It's puppy love.

She won't be able to keep her paws off you.

[Both laugh]

It's not funny.

It will be martika. I'll make it so.

[Cheering]

The night everyone's been talking about

Is finally here.

It's the polk middle school "dances with wolves" dance.

It's a great night for fun

And a great night for tips.

Backpack boy's outfit says,

"I'm ready to dance."

And note the appropriate evening backpack.

[Chattering]

That's a weasel.

If you don't have a date, like moze, cookie, or me,

It doesn't mean you have to go alone.

Meet up with some friends before the dance

And go in together.

If you arrive alone and completely overdressed,

You'll look like this.

[Everyone stops talking]

If you have a date,

It's always a good idea to show up with that date.

Where were you?

You were supposed to meet me in the parking lot.

And what are you wearing?

You can't be serious about going with me

Looking like that.

What? School colors.

Go wolves.

That's it. It's over, seth.

We're through.

Suzie broke up with seth!

I have a chance!

♪ Whoa-oh-whoa-oh-oh

Suzie broke up with seth.

I'm going to dance with her tonight.

I'm hacking into super model martika's gps system.

Going to dance with her tonight.

I have a net,

And I'm going to tango with that weasel tonight.

Guys, it's a dance. Just have fun.

There's no way you're going to catch that weasel.

Your perfect match is a siberian husky,

Not a super model,

And if you don't dance with suzie,

Don't let it ruin your whole night.

It's a dance, so dance.

The female may have a point about you guys,

But I am going to catch that weasel.

[Chattering]

No worries.

I got till :.

Hey, hey, hey! Welcome to dances with wolves!

[Wolf howls]

Now, don't forget, later on tonight,

We have a special appearance by a real live wolf!

Ha ha ha. Won't that be fun?

Until then, I'm your dj, monroe o. Fox.

Oh, yeah, people.

Hit it!

[Pop music playing]

Oh, yeah.

Don't be alarmed when the dance goes

Girls' side, boys' side.

This is normal and only temporary.

Every school has one brave kid who will break the ice,

And whether it's the first song or the fourth,

Dancing will happen.

[Cheering]

[Ding]

And now it's time for me to dance with suzie.

And I'm using the real direct approach.

I changed into my best warmups.

You changed for me.

That is so sweet.

We're totally going back out again.

[Buzzer]

Vanilla? I hate vanilla.

We're breaking up.

[Ding]they split up!

Suzie: lemonade?

How'd you know I love lemonade?

Ha. I'll take you back.

[Buzzer]

Ahh. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Aha!

Computer voice: locating martika.

Locating martika.

[Beeping]

[Buzzer]

Suzie: that was my foot!

You know--seth, I can't believe you.

We're through.[Ding]

[Cheering]

Come on.

You haven't even set foot on

The dance floor yet.

Come on. You should be happy.

If I take suzie, you can take seth.

I'm having a good time without him.

Don't let some stupid -point plan for dancing with suzie

Waste your whole night. Dance!

I don't have some stupid -point plan.

It's a stupid -point plan.

It's time to put this baby into action.

Ned, voice-over: it's also a good time for some school dance tips.

Crossing the dance floor can get tough.

To gain access, dance your way across the floor.

[Blows whistle]

Arm's length apart.

Arm's length!

Ned: do your best to avoid strict chaperones.

Hey, what are you doing with that lemonade?

To break the ice with a potential dance partner,

Bring them a drink.

It's old-fashioned, but it works.

Suzie likes lemonade.

Thanks, ned.

How'd you know I like lemonade?

Now, come on. Let's dance. Ack!

[Heavy metal music playing]

[Ding]

Oh, seth.

I can't stay mad at you.

[Buzzer]

[Sighs]

[Chattering]

Ok. One more chance for my perfect match program

To confirm that I'm meant to dance with martika.

[Sighs]

Computer voice: computer scanning. Perfect match.

Siberian husky. Husky. Woof.

[Scoffs]

Bark, bark, ruff.

Would--would you like to dance?

With me.

[Sniff]

Sorry, but I'm obviously with someone,

Someone who isn't here yet

But will be here shortly.

Then can I dance next to you while you stand there?

Sure. I guess that would be ok.

The wolf's here.

The wolf is here!

The wolf is here! The wolf is here! The wolf is here.

I feel so bad.

The wolf came down with the sniffles.

Oh, no! That's awful.

Well, what do we have here?

A close cousin, a siberian husky.

Oh, well, a dog's still fun.

I mean, that'll be fun.

Is the dog fun?

Oh, yeah. And very affectionate.

Ok.[Whimpering]

[Whimpering]

Look out!

How's the weasel hunt going?

Good. How's the suzie hunt going?

Not good.

But I'm waiting for them to break up.

He cares more about that basketball than her.

Hmm. Well, good luck with that, my friend.

I have to get to higher ground.

[Grunting]

Hey, ned, I came up with a new tip for the guide.

[Sighs]

[Reading] don't waste your whole night chasing a dream

When you could have fun dancing with friends.

I'll bet you're a great dancer.

Well, you'll soon find out.

Let's just say my perfect match dream girl

Is about to arrive.computer voice: martika arriving.

Heh.

Wow. I can dance next to you all night. Heh.

Oh! Sorry, got to go.

My perfect match has just arrived.

[Whimpers]

This is the photo sh**t?

[Gasps] is that internationally renowned

Super model martika?

Good evening. Care to dance?

Where are the cameras?

Oh, everywhere.

And you're supposed to be dancing...

With me.

[Growling]

Oh. Ok.

[Growling]

What's wrong? She seems angry.

I think she's jealous.

Uhh![Growling]

[Dog barking]

[Screaming]

This is the worst photo sh**t ever!

Martika! Come back!

Hey, just a few more songs left,

So if you haven't danced yet,

Dance like there's no tomorrow.

The dance is nearly over,

And you and cookie haven't danced once.

I kind of danced with the huge crew,

And cookie almost did,

But then the dog mauled martika.

Your huge plans left you alone,

A major super model has to get sh*ts,

And gordy's probably dead.

[Chattering]

[Chattering]

And your point is...

This is a middle school dance,

Not a fairy tale,

And, cinderella, the clock is about to strike :.

[Bell tolls]

Nobody is going to swoop down

And make your wish come true.

[Tarzan yell]

Yoink! Ha ha ha!

Uhh!

Seth, get the ball. Get the ball.

Get that ball.

Go get it! Come on. Go get it.

You're leaving me for a basketball?

That's right. Later!

Good boy.

That's it, seth. We're through.[Ding]

Suzie, do you want to dance?

We're all dancing.

Sure.

Ned, voice-over: that leaves us to the final,

Most important dance tip,

Which was actually moze's tip all along.

Have fun, don't have super-high expectations, and go with the flow.

It's a dance, so dance.

[Chattering]

Hot dog?

Ned: if your perfect match is a siberian husky...

Hey! No french kissing!

Ned: dance with her, too.