Insane teachers,
And gross school lunches,
Ned bigby--that's me--
And my two best friends try to do the impossible:
Create a guide that will help you survive school.
Man: ♪ turn it up
♪ Looking out
♪ I'll survive with no doubt ♪
♪ Never fear
♪ Bring it on
♪ Breaking down what's in my way ♪
♪ And I'm
♪ Finding my place in this world ♪
♪ And I'm...
Ned: "ned's declassified school survival guide."
Your results may vary.
So that is why the russian chemist mendeleev
Is considered the father of the periodic table.
[Bell rings]
This will be on tomorrow's test.
Mr. Bigby...
You've not been doing well in my class.
That's not true. I haven't been doing well in any class.
Well...
No wonder you've been doing poorly.
This notebook is terrible!
This is how a notebook should look.
Behold, the golden notebook.
Why's it called the golden notebook?
Is it magic? Is it written in golden?
No and no. It was written
By a former a-plus student of mine, sam golden.
It's perfect
And it includes the history of the periodic table.
Now, if your notebook was more like this notebook,
You might stand a chance on passing tomorrow's test!
Golden notebook, you will be mine.
I am telling you, the golden notebook is amazing.
It's like sweeney's entire science class
In one beautiful notebook
Without the lameness or the sweeneyness.
So when are you gonna steal it.
I'm not gonna steal it. I'm going to borrow it.
Stealing bad, borrowing good.
Did you ask him to loan it to you?
Not exactly.
But this way he can't say no.
I'll return it after tomorrow's test,
Which I really, really need to do well on.
The key to test success is a good notebook.
I'd be totally lost without my notebook.
I lost my notebook.
Maybe you left it in...
Your last class.
Notebooks are so old school.
Welcome to the future.
You've been standing there listening the whole time?
Listening and recording.
Check it out.
Have you been standing there listening the whole time?
This setup records every class on tape,
So I don't have to take another note.
And I don't have to carry around those heavy notebooks.
So when are you gonna steal the golden notebook?
Not steal. Borrow.
It must be around here somewhere.
"My innermost thoughts by s.c."?
S.c.?
"I saw lisa take money from dirga's purse."
Lisa? Lisa zemo's a thief?
There's my notebook.
No, I'm not gonna steal it.
Not steal. Borrow.
Focus, check.
Recording levels, check.
Tape length, check.
Fake open eyes, check.
All right, now it's time to start taking notes the easy way.
[Yawn]
So are we all set?
Almost.
You forgot one important thing,
My sticky fingered friend.
Like a duplicate notebook to switch with the golden notebook
So sweeney won't know it's missing?
No.
Caramel covered apples with nuts to celebrate a job well done.
Just hook me up.
Ok.
Ow!
Ah.
Gordy.
Hi, ned.
The door was unlocked?
Uh, this is more fun?
Spin me around.
Stop it.
All right, gordy, over there.
Aw, man.
I can't stop!
That's ok. I'll have the night guy get that.
Make the switch!
What are you reading?
Nothing.
Nothing? Your eyes have been glued to that notebook
Since you came in.
This notebook is unbelievable.
You'll never believe what's written in it.
Hey, I didn't take any money from dirga.
This is not true.
Lisa, never let understatements bother you.
Hey, I never made it with anybody named billy
Behind the school.
I don't even know a billy.
That's loomer's first name.
But don't worry, right here it says he's a big sissy.
I'll sue for defamation of character.
Who wrote these lies?
Someone with the initials "s.c."
S.c., Claire sawyer.
That's c.s.
Aha!
Who cares who wrote it?
It's a real page turner and I'm learning things
About people I never knew in this school.
Things like "jennifer is so stuck up
It makes me want to puke"?
What?!
We have got to find this s.c.--
[Gasp]
[In unison] suzie crabgrass.
I can't believe suzie would write such nasty things.
Does it say anything about me?
Then not interested.
I'm way too busy reading the golden notebook.
It's awesome.
Hey, did you know the atomic number for nickel is ?
Look!
Hey, mr. Stealin'-- I mean, sweeney.
I'm so ready for tomorrow's theft-- I mean, test.
Yeah.
Could you repeat that last part, ned?
I ran out of tape.
What are you doing?
Cookie had to go to the bathroom and he didn't want
To miss a thing.
Is this the famous notebook that called me a sissy?
"C.h. Hates billy's guts and is gonna kick his butt"?
C.h.?
Coconut head!
Aah!
Hey!
[Coconut head screaming]
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
There's s.c.! Get her!
♪ I never thought that you'd make it so perfectly ♪
♪ Yeah
♪ I never thought that you'd follow me and find me here ♪
♪ And I say, yeah
♪ You'll make it someday
♪ Someday, yeah
♪ Make it someday
♪ You'll make it someday
♪ Someday
♪ Make it, oh, yeah
Prepared for today's test, mr. Bigby?
Does calcium have protons?
Ah.
Big school survival tip:
If you want to do well in school,
You have to take solid notes.
So here's some tips to make every notebook you own
A golden notebook.
First off, write neatly.
If you can't read it, you can't study it.
Always write down what the teacher says
And if they say it twice, underline it
Because it will show up on a test.
Copy your notes in a second notebook.
The act of rewriting helps you retain info and learn.
Ned, ned, ned.
Still wasting your time writing your notes?
Hey, guys. Wow, I'm tired.
I was up late studying for today's history test.
Why does history always have to be things with the past?
We have a history test today?
How come I didn't know about this?
He told us about it yesterday.
I didn't watch yesterday's history tape.
I haven't watched any tapes.
And I don't think mr. Wright's gonna let the cutout
Take the test.
I'm doomed.
What are you smiling at?
What are you guys talking about?
I didn't write any of that stuff.
And come on, a pitchfork?
Claire: s.c.? Suzie crabgrass.
Who else could it be?
Yeah! Yeah!
How could you write those lies about us?
Yeah! Yeah!
Guys, stop. This isn't suzie's notebook.
How do you know?
Because why would she write something bad about herself?
"Suzie's as dumb as a stump."
I am not.
Ok, who wrote this notebook?
I'm sorry I ever found this thing.
It's tearing us apart.
"I can't believe the wolves volleyball team
Made the playoffs"?
The wolves volleyball team hasn't made the playoffs in years.
Aha!
Don't you get it?
This book was written years ago.
But it mentions all of us by name.
It mentions people named suzie, billy, and jennifer,
Not exactly uncommon names.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry, suzie.
I'll pick you up at
I'm getting rid of this thing right now.
Yeah.
Ned: so when it comes to notebooks,
Moze learned not to believe everything she reads.
Cookie learned that although it's old-fashioned,
Hand writing notes is still the best way to go.
And I learned that nothing helps you study and do better in school
Than a well written notebook.
Mr. Sweeney.
I was just, uh--
Just getting busted for stealing my golden notebook,
Which I wrote.
You wrote that? But--
I just made up that story because I learned a long time ago
That some students need to be tricked in order to learn.
Why didn't you just loan it to me?
Because then it would have been just another boring assignment
For you to ignore.
And you wouldn't have gotten an "a" on the test.
And now caramel covered apples with nuts
To celebrate a job well done.
Ooh! Great idea, sweeney. Thanks.
Ned, my math class is starting pre-algebra today.
I just got promoted to eighth grade honors math.
I'm gonna be an eighth grader for one period a day.
See, that would be great news if it wasn't about math.
We know how to add and subtract,
So why do we have to take more math?
[Boys arguing]
Hey, bigby, you're smart.
We have dozen eggs to throw at kids in chess club.
So how many eggs can we throw at each kid?
Um, don't know. Don't care.
It's easy. You have eggs,
So you can throw at each kid.
But you'll have left over.
Awesome!
See, now what good would it do me
To know that they have eggs left?
[Splat]
Ha ha ha ha!
School survival news flash: you can't ignore math.
It's everywhere.
And how do you plan on passing it?
Words: create a study group
With the smartest kids in class.
That's words.
Whatever. And here they are.
Albert wormenheimer and the oboe twins.
Twins: I'm excited about our group, ned.
And I'm excited that somebody besides the voice of reason
Inside my head is actually talking to me.
The study group is a great idea.
[Squeaking]
[Groans]
My plan was foolproof.
...equals catch weasel?
Sounds good to me.
What? You need a real math formula
To factor in mop bucket torque, top speed, plus total weasel velocity.
No time math. Catch weasel must!
[Bell rings]
Ok. Ok, now.
Now use the rest of the class time
To either work alone or in a group.
Stacy, tracy, why don't you guys start working on the board problems?
I call the homework.
Wait. What are you gonna do?
How about coming up with a supercool name for our study group?
Like the mathemagicians?
Oh, that's great!
It is great. He's my new friend.
Eighth grade, here I come.
This is gonna be...
Fun?
Hello, new student.
[Door slams]
I am dr. Xavier, super genius.
Now, copy problems.
Work hard.
Remember, without math, we are cavemen eating mud.
Welcome to pre-algebra, the building block
Of advanced math.
And the first thing we will be learning
Is quadratic equations.
This is gonna be awesome.
F[x] equals x-squared minus x plus .
What's with the letters?
Where are the numbers?
Aaah!
I'd subtract the giant boulder and add an ice pack
To your weasel catching formula.
So, are you and algebra in love?
I don't even think it likes me.
And the problems don't sense and then I started to itch.
Could be a sign of math anxiety.
It happens when students get nervous or scared in math.
Miss morrison thought I had it last semester.
She gave me this flier.
Really? Did you have it?
No, I suffer more from "I hate math" syndrome,
But math anxiety is totally common.
Not for me because I don't have it.
Help. I have a problem.
Talk to me. It's a math problem.
Talk to moze.
Eighth grade is supposed to be fun and exciting,
But honors math is boring and scary.
And we're doing word problems next.
Do what I do and spice up the word problem.
If it says "a train leaves the station,"
Change it to "a rocket blasts off from jupiter."
And that makes math fun and exciting.
Go, math! Go, math!
Go, math!
I'm really starting to question why I hang out with you guys.
New student, read next question.
Ok. "A werewolf mixes a solution--"
It says "laborer," not "werewolf."
"Milk, eggs, and flour to make delicious cupcakes."
"Of iron oxide and magnesium to mix cement blocks."
Stick to words.
But I was only trying to make class fun.
Ah, you want fun in math.
I'll show you fun.
Look.
[All gasp]
I am big head watching you.
Big fun.
Now do work.
Remember, without math, we are cavemen eating mud.
Big head!
♪ Ooh ooh ooh
♪ Ooh ooh ooh
♪ I got to know all about you ♪
♪ I want to know more about you ♪
♪ I got to know more about you ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ooh
Just read the flier.
No. I am in love with math.
We are just going through a rough, itchy patch
In our relationship.
Ned, we finished tonight's homework before we got home.
And I came up with the magic "m."
Whenever any of us are in math trouble, just sh**t the "m"
And the mathemagicians come to the rescue.
That will totally help in class.
Yes, it will. He's a genius.
You can't expect them to do all your math work forever.
Must you always rain on my math avoidance parade?
[Together] what are you wearing?
Xavier gave us math smocks.
She's trying to break my make eighth grade math fun spirit.
But tomorrow it is she who will be broken.
[Evil laugh]
Heh heh heh!
Yeah. I'm sure that will work out well.
Ooh hoo hoo.
Oh!
[Cough]
Ohhh!
[Thud]
Ned, look.
Cool, you got a fake tattoo just like mine.
Yours is fake?
If a positive times a positive is a positive,
Then what's a negative times a negative?
Albert.
Ahem.
Um, negative?
Negative.
[Laughter]
No, it's a positive. Remember that.
It'll be on the quiz tomorrow.
I'm mad at him, too.
♪ We're in the eighth grade ♪
♪ But we're all dismayed
♪ But six plus cookie equals fun ♪
♪ Prime number divided
♪ Remainder, can't hide it ♪
♪ With the number
♪ Number one
Yeah!
Stop disruption
No one can learn.
Actually, he's saying if you divide a prime number
By anything other than itself and one,
You get a remainder.
No math song.
Now, get to work.
Remember, without math...
Kids: we are cavemen eating mud.
I'm quitting the study group.
What? You can't!
You haven't done any math all week,
I need tattoo removal,
And the one time I sh**t you the "m," you fail me.
They're quitting, too.
Twins: his inner voice thinks it's best.
You'll have to prepare for the math quiz alone
And take it alone.
Math...quiz...alone?
Ok, I admit it.
I have math anxiety.
I think I've got it, too.
But don't worry. I've got tips.
Look, sometimes math can be confusing and totally scary.
Even einstein struggled with it.
And the first step to solving your math problems
Is to be positive and tell yourself you can do it.
I can do this.
I'm good at math.
Be sure to ask questions as soon as you don't
Understand something.
Mr. Dren, could you repeat that?
I'm having a little problem following.
Some kids feel dumb asking questions,
But what's really dumb is not asking questions.
Dren: ...to the power of , then you just subtract "x" from both.
I understood what you said.
And the answer is .
And I do not feel the need to scratch.
A little math anxiety is in all of us,
So start a study group.
When you're working with others,
It can get you some answers and maybe even some new friends.
And when you join a group,
Be sure to share the work evenly.
I owe you guys an apology.
I stuck you with all the work.
But if you give me another sh*t,
I promise to work harder.
Believe it or not, with confidence, some study buddies,
And persistence, math really can be fun.
Perhaps my way is old-fashioned.
Maybe new student has point.
We can learn and enjoy math.
So today we have super fun math dance party!
You did it! Math is fun!
But now xavier is even scarier.
New student, dance with me!
Let's face it, without math, there's no cars, no computers,
No video games.
You'd be amazed at how much you need it,
Especially when trying to catch a weasel.
Gordy, your math is way off.
[Babbling]
[Grunting]
I told you.
Without math, we are cavemen eating mud.