01x08 - Not Friends Yet

[bunniefuu]

Someone someone help

me! I'm trapped in a well!

And the waters are rising!

And I'm still in love

with Zane! [CRYING]

Wait, what? No, no! It's over?

ANNOUNCER: Like waves of emotions,

so are "The Tides of Our Days."

Ugh, I need to know how

you get out of the well.

Ooh, and when are you gonna find out

that Zane k*lled your sister?

I always knew, darling.

I helped him.

You're so bad.

Oh, I love this research

for this obituary.

Usually, I'm just Googling to make sure

- they don't have a secret second family.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS]

- EDWARD: Can I come in?

- Hello.

Uh, not really a fair question

when you're already in.

I want to make sure you

remember to take out the trash

and put your dishes away

and compost your pistachio shells,

and please, if you're

gonna steal my toothpaste,

squeeze from the bottom instead

of the middle, like a carny.

The gall! I love him.

[LOWERED VOICE] Also, I I need you

to hold onto a few things for me.

Uh, you know, usually, when

you ask someone for a favor,

you don't berate them first.

Fair, but my girlfriend Charlotte

- is coming to visit from San Diego

- [GASPS]

and I need to make room for her.

I'm finally gonna meet Charlotte?

Ooh, the girlfriend's coming.

Oh, classic complication.

I wonder if she's gonna

be a complete nightmare

or a jealous vixen.

Or a sleepwalking serial k*ller

that just got out of a coma.

- Season 23!

- Season 23!

Mm.

- Whoa, another one?

- Yeah.

Listen, this is the first time

she's ever been in my space,

and I just need

everything to be perfect.

Wait, she seriously has

never been here before?

No, I go there every weekend

from Friday at 6:00 till Sunday at 4:00,

which is the perfect amount of time

for hiking, tacos, and sex.

[CHUCKLES] Multiple times.

- Can you please stop?

- Oh, go on.

We're kind of at a make

it or break it point

- in our relationship

- Mm.

and I think if things go well,

she might move in with us.

- Okay, have a nice day.

- [GASPS]

Wait Wait uh

- Did he just say "move in with us"?

- Yes!

He just let it hang in the air,

like he was begging you to come back

- after the opening credits.

- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[♪]

I just can't imagine what

this girlfriend's like.

I mean, if Edward has 30 rules for you,

imagine how many he has for her.

Oh, yeah, but what if

she's just like him?

- Mm.

- You know, I I just

I can't imagine living with two Edwards.

That's like living with

- two Edwards.

- Mm.

I have so many questions.

Like, who uproots their

entire life for a guy

that's she's only known

for, like, a few months?

Mm! Who would do that?

Phillip? Come on.

No. That was for love.

This is for Edward.

Mm-hmm.

- Hey, Cricket

- Mm?

is throwing a trivia

night at her wine bar

- Mm. Mnh.

- so you should come,

because the winner gets

a free wine tasting.

No, no, no, you have to

take that down right now,

because if Lexi sees this,

she's gonna want to play,

and then her competitive

streak will come out.

- Oh.

- When we podded together,

game nights were the absolute worst

because she hates to lose.

- I'm right behind you, aren't I?

- Oh!

[CHUCKLING] Hi.

- Hiii.

- Mm.

We're just in here talkin'

about break room stuff

- with, uh, this one.

- Mm-hmm.

- Like cream cheese.

- Mm.

- It is, like, so thick.

- She's a fiend.

So I see a little trivia night flyer?

Because count me in.

That sounds fun.

Sam, you want to be teammates?

I call Sam!

Okay, great. You do that.

I'm gonna go somewhere else.

- Oh, Sam.

- Noooo.

- Saaaaaam

- No.

We said no more game nights, okay?

Keith and I are still finding

Scrabble tiles in my bushes,

and I'm pretty sure there's a

"V" still clogging our toilet.

That was the pandemic.

We were all on edge.

- This'll be fun.

- [SCOFFS]

What'll be fun?

Trivia night at Cricket's.

Oooh, yeah, that does sound fun.

Should I be the leader? No,

you're right. That's Lexi.

Look, you're always

telling me I need to do more

"regular people" things,

like "not wearing driving gloves"

or "drinking from a can."

I love you, but I'm sorry.

My therapist said I have to

establish healthy boundaries,

and so the answer is no.

I'm gonna take that as a maybe, Sam Sam.

[♪]

Your obituary is gonna

be as fabulous as you are.

- Oh!

- Three ex-husbands.

- Oh.

- One wife.

And you still had time

to tour with the Osmonds?

I'm just so excited to

have my entire story told.

- [BOTH GASP]

- Are you gasping at what I'm gasping at?

The girlfriend is here, ready

for her dramatic entrance.

[♪]

Hi. You must be Nell. I'm Charlotte.

I'm so excited to finally meet you!

Yeah, yeah. I'm excited

to finally meet you, too.

- [CHUCKLES]

- She looks sweet, but who knows

what's going on under the surface.

Ask her if that's her real nose.

So, like, just, like, tell

me everything about yourself.

I mean, is there, like, a specific way

you like to organize your spices

or how you like your

toothpaste squeezed?

- No, I am very average. Yeah.

- Oh.

I I love the beach and

hiking with Edward and

Oh, I love baking.

- I just made these.

- Oh.

They're Edward's favorite

chocolate chip skillet cookies

with a hint of cinnamon

and a sprinkle of doobie.

[LAUGHS] I got the recipe

from his Aunt Helen.

- Not the doobie part.

- [CHUCKLING] Oh, right.

Oh, whoa.

[♪]

Is uh

I Whew.

I see that you really put

the work in. [CHUCKLES]

I think that maybe we should

clean some of this up

before Edward gets

- [DOOR OPENS]

- Aah!

Hey, handsome.

Hey, gorgeous.

- [SIGHS]

- Oh.

- Mm.

- Oh. My. God.

I know.

Here come the fireworks!

You made my favorite cookies.

What?

- Mmm! These are incredible.

- [CHUCKLES]

Nell you gotta try these.

Yeah. That That is,

um, pretty incredible.

[CHUCKLES] I'm sorry,

what are those toes?

Charlotte got these

awesome mandals for me.

- But you hate toes.

- I hate your toes.

Eddie, be nice.

You're right, baby.

Nell, I think your toes are fantastic.

Thank you, Eddie.

- Let's get out of here.

- Okay.

[WHISPERING] He's like a

totally different person.

It's like your roommate's been

taken over by an evil twin.

Let's put this theory to the test.

Hey, Eddie, I'm gonna

grab one of these cookies,

but, eh, I don't have a napkin,

so crumbs might go everywhere!

EDDIE: Do your thing, girl.

Whoever he is, I hope he stays.

Cool. Cool, cool!

Nope. I'm dead.

Oh. Oh!

[LAUGHS] This is awesome.

Yeah, you never want to watch

"Extreme Packrat" with me.

Are you kidding?

I love when people keep

their urine in jars.

- Oh.

- Mm!

Speaking of, I have to

use the little girls jar.

[LAUGHS] Can you pause it for me?

Yeah, I can turn it off.

I can guess how this ends.

- [TELEVISION SHUTS OFF]

- She gets her life together

and goes to her daughter's wedding.

[CHUCKLES]

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

[♪]

Ah! [LAUGHS]

There he is.

[♪]

- No. Don't you No!

- [MOTOR WHIRRING]

Get No!

Stop it! I wanted to eat those crumbs!

- [WHIRRING SLOWS, STOPS]

- [LOWERED VOICE] I like Charlotte.

She's kind and she's smart

and she's thoughtful

she's always making my favorite cookies.

I totally agree. Charlotte is great.

There are some other pressing issues.

She's soaking the cast-iron

skillets in the water.

I can hear them oxidizing from here.

So, why don't you just tell

her? It's not that big of a deal.

- You're right.

- Mm.

- Will you do it?

- Huh?

Just tell her how to clean the pans,

and to always use coasters,

and to turn off the water

when she's brushing her teeth.

You want me to be the you?

Yes. Be the me.

I don't want to scare

her off with all my

I mean, they're totally

reasonable requests, but

- Mm.

- I want this to work.

Nell.

- Mm?

- Fine. Yeah.

I'll be the you.

But if Charlotte moves in,

- I want rent split three ways, not two.

- Fine.

And I get to have as

many ice cubes as I want,

hum in the morning, and paint

my toenails in the living room.

You can paint, but no pumicing.

I can't "pumice" you anything. [PROMISE]

[♪]

Got a minute?

Yeah, sure. What's up?

I just wanted to circle back

on the whole trivia night thing,

because

this could be us, The Fun Bunch!

Lexi, I said no. I have

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS,

TELEPHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE]

Oh, it's actually very soft.

It's Prada. [BREATHES DEEPLY]

- Look

- But no, no.

I said no, and I mean no.

Listen, I thought about

it, and you're right.

Games bring out the worst in me.

Yeah, I know that.

But you don't know

why. [BREATHES DEEPLY]

When I was a child, my parents

made everything a contest.

Literally. One time, they used

a game of Monopoly

to determine which of their children

would be sent to a boarding school.

It was a hotel on Baltic Avenue

that bankrupted me and

ultimately lost me the game

and consequently sent me to

the Chastity Bainbridge

Disciplinary School

for Overprivileged Girls.

Now I understand why you

struggle so much with losing.

Yes, but, uh, I want to change.

I want to be able to go out

and have a casual night with my friends,

and, Sam, I just feel

like with your help,

I can achieve that.

Okay, fine. We can play trivia tonight.

But the moment it stops

being fun, we are leaving.

- I gotchu if you gotch me, girl.

- [SIGHS]

[♪]

- [DOOR CLOSES]

- Hey. What you doin'?

I'm taking Charlotte

on a romantic picnic

at the Observatory before trivia night.

She came up with a good team name

- Roomies.

- Cool.

Your neck looks really angry.

- You okay?

- I'm fine.

I'm just trying to get used to

this poncho Charlotte got me.

She said I look like Keanu

Reeves in "Point Break."

I looked it up and

[CHUCKLES] he's very hot.

- I thought you only wore cotton.

- You only wear cotton!

- Okay.

- I'm sorry.

I'm I'm just very tired.

Hey, Nell. You ready, Johnny Utah?

Yeah. I love the way that feels.

- [CHUCKLES]

- 100% pure adrenaline.

- Come on. Let's go.

- Oh.

- Bye.

- Yeah.

- [DOOR OPENS]

- Have fun!

- Surf's up!

- [DOOR CLOSES]

Hey, Marlena, does

Edward seem off to you?

[STAMMERS] Like, he says he's happy,

but he just seems so exhausted, and

Maybe it's all the sex?

I know when I first

met my wife [CHUCKLES]

we couldn't keep our

hands off each other.

It was a romp-fest.

Oh, right. That reminds me.

I wrote the opening

paragraph for your obituary,

and I think you're gonna love it.

Let's hear it.

"While millions loved watching

sexy, conniving villainess

Marlena Quintrell

manipulate the men of Middleton Falls,

she saved the juiciest twist

of all for her private life,

when her cast mate

husband caught her in bed

with her female makeup

artist and soon-to-be wife."

Pretty spicy, huh?

Honestly, I think you

have some more work to do.

What are you talking about?

Look, it's got everything you love.

- Suspense! Intrigue! Romance! Beeping!

- [BEEPING]

- Wait, sorry, do do you hear that?

- [PULSING]

- Is that coming from the box?

- [PULSING CONTINUES]

- Let's see.

- MALE VOICE: Cower before me, traitor!

For I have taken the life force

of countless basilisks!

- It's, uh, one of his "Star Rim" figurines.

- [PULSING]

It's from his favorite video game. Hm.

Yeah, it's like everything

that brings him joy

his magic tricks and his Rubik's Cube

and his video game paraphernalia.

- Huh.

- [CLATTERS LIGHTLY]

I thought he was just hiding

his a**l apartment rules from Charlotte.

I didn't realize that

he was hiding himself.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] Why do you think

he would do that?

- [DOOR CLOSES]

- You have to go ask him.

- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

- Hey, you're back.

I forgot our collapsible cups.

Right. Um

You know, your robot monster

in the box was beeping.

My Zamatron-X39 with the

dual engine laser blasters?

- Yep.

- Is he okay?

Yeah, I turned it off.

Okay. The galaxy thanks you.

Um, hey, hey, wait.

Uh, I couldn't help but notice

everything else in the box.

I I mean, I know it's

none of my business,

but, um, it just it just feels like

you're hiding all your

favorite things away.

Okay. Thank you for your

wholly unsolicited advice.

You haven't really enjoyed

yourself since she's been here.

I'm perfectly happy.

You're definitely not.

You're just my roommate, Nell.

Okay? Stay out of it.

[♪]

- Are you kidding me?

- Nope.

Then he said, "You're just my roommate.

Stay out of it."

And I'm like I'm supposed

to say something, though, right?

I just think it's best to tread lightly

when criticizing someone

else's relationship.

Mmnnnnn, is it, though?

Look, when I told you to go

a little slower with Phillip,

you didn't exactly love that.

Okay, but I was only mad

at you for like a minute.

Excuse you.

- Or two years.

- That's right.

So maybe Edward just needs

to figure it out for himself,

like you did.

- Hey, Roomie.

- Oh.

Get over here.

- Hmm.

- Here we go.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

- Roomie.

- Roomie.

[♪]

Oh, everyone looks so nice

and friendly. [CHUCKLES]

Hello, fellow trivia aficionados.

Excited for some playful sparring

with all of you tonight. [CHUCKLES]

We're The Fun Bunch.

- That's a pretty clever name.

- It is.

What state school did you

go to to come up with that?

[LAUGHTER]

- Hey!

- Mm.

[STRAINED] Have you ever tried Gouda?

It's the most fun of the cheeses.

It's a real gift to the palate.

That is the spirit, Lexi, okay?

- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.

We will have fun, and

that is the point, okay?

How's everybody doing?

- Whoo, whoo! Yeah!

- Trivia!

First category is magic,

kind of like me on this mic.

Ha ha!

This turn-of-the-20th century

magician became so famous

that his traveling magic show

required eight train cars.

God, I don't know anything about magic.

- Nell?

- Mnh. [CLICKS TONGUE]

If I was to guess, I would say, mm,

greatest magician of all time

Let's go with Criss Angel?

No! Criss Angel is a

hack and an embarrassment,

and Criss Angel wasn't the

turn of the 20th century.

- It's Howard Thurston.

- Oh.

Babe, how do you know

so much about magic?

My nephew is in a bit of

a magic phase right now.

[CHUCKLING] He doesn't shut up about it.

[CHUCKLES] He's kind of a doofus.

Sounds like your nephew knows

who he is and is fine with it

and, you know, doesn't mind

letting his nerd flag fly.

Yeah. He's a doofus.

Okay, you write whatever

you want to write down.

I'm just I'm I need a break.

- Um

- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

- Aah!

- Oh. Hello.

You're being too subtle with Edward.

You need to be more direct.

Tell him he can't hide his true self.

Oh, Marlena, come on.

Just stop pushing the drama, okay?

This is my life, not

some silly soap opera.

Well, my life isn't any

silly soap opera either,

- which is why I hated what you wrote.

- What?

What you referred to as

the "juiciest twist of all"

was one of the most painful

things I've ever been through.

- Oh.

- I spent so many years in the closet,

trying to live up to expectations,

and I wasted so much

time denying who I was.

[SIGHS]

I could've been with

my wife so much sooner

if a friend would have just

told me what I needed to hear,

just someone to encourage

my genuine, authentic self.

[♪]

Pretending to be someone

you're not on the screen

is one thing,

but pretending in your personal life

is just downright debilitating.

Help him.

I [SIGHS]

I wouldn't say he thinks we're friends.

Well, that's a shame,

'cause it sure looks like you are to me.

- Yeah?

- Yes.

[♪]

Thanks, Marlena.

I'm gonna write you that

obituary you deserve.

- Oh, I know you are.

- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

- Or I'll posses someone you love.

- [DOOR OPENS]

- Oh.

- [CHUCKLES]

My life is weird.

Uh, um, excuse me, Edward.

Could we talk privately?

Um, I I need to talk to

you about the electric bill.

I don't want to talk

about the electric bill.

Yeah, well, unless we talk about it,

then the power's gonna get shut off

and we're going to

waste a lot of oat milk.

- Oat milk doesn't go bad.

- Just come with me.

[SMOOCHES]

- Thank you.

- Mm-hmm.

What?

Look, I, um

I know you only think

of me as your roommate,

but I think of you as my friend,

and as your friend,

I'm gonna tell you

what you need to hear.

- Mm-hmm.

- [BREATHES DEEPLY]

What you're doing is not healthy.

Hiding who you are, you're

not just lying to Charlotte

you're lying to yourself.

Nell, I'm 35 years old, and

I'm tired of being alone.

And I can tell that you like

this version of me better, anyway.

I genuinely like the real you.

You're smart and you're funny

and you're wildly honest,

which can be, uh, really frustrating,

- but it's also so very refreshing.

- Oh.

If you really want to give

this relationship a chance,

you got to show Charlotte

who you really are, okay?

You both deserve that.

[♪]

Okay. I trust you.

[♪]

Okay.

Also, by the way, I I did

forget to pay the electric bill.

I'll see you inside.

[♪]

It's like living with a child.

[♪]

Don't be sad that you're

losing, State School.

I didn't go to a state

school. I went to the Olympics.

Oh, let me guess dressage?

- [LAUGHS]

- Look at me.

- I'm riding a fancy horse.

- Oh, fancy.

- Stop it. That's not proper form!

- [LAUGHTER]

I'm sorry, Sam, but I need to leave.

I am on the verge of

becoming a version of myself

that not a lot of

people like to be around,

and, frankly, I don't

really care for it, either.

No, no, stay.

I am so proud of all the work

that you've done here tonight,

but I don't want to change

completely who you are,

because I think all of us could use

a little cutthroat Lexi right now.

- Mm.

- What are you saying?

- Let's cut a bitch.

- [CHUCKLES]

- There we go.

- Hold these.

Let's [BLEEP] up, boys.

- Name the state capital

- Boise.

Dover. Phoenix. Little

Rock. Juneau. Jackson.

Topeka. Trenton. Bismarck.

Stop me when you've heard it, Cricket.

- Topeka!

- The Golden City.

Giddy up, turds.

- Houdini.

- Yes!

- "Space Invaders."

- Yes!

- Megatron.

- Yes!

- "Invader Zim."

- Yes!

- [LAUGHING] Oh, my God!

- [BLEEP]

- "Invasion of the Body Snatchers."

- Yes.

- The 1978 version.

- Whoo!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

This multi-player video game

takes place in outer space,

and it contains over

600 hours of gameplay.

"Star Rim," and it actually contains

over 600 hours of potential gameplay.

The main storyline can be completed

in as little as 200 hours,

as seen in the speed run performed

by Underscore IceKing32 on Twitch.

[CROWD MURMURING] [BOTH SNAP FINGERS]

And now it is time to

announce the final scores.

P.H. Deez Nuts comin'

in at a hot 38 points.

[CROWD OHHS, WHISTLES]

And then makin' news back

there is The Fun Bunch

with a whopping 46 points.

- Yes! Oh!

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

And coming in at a staggering 62 points,

it's The Roomies!

- Yes! Dude!

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHUCKLING] I had no

idea that you knew so much

about all that stuff you knew about.

Charlotte, my nephew isn't a doofus.

I'm a doofus.

If this relationship is gonna work,

I think you need to know

that I'm a video-game-playing,

Rubik's Cube-solving,

action-figure-collecting nerd.

And also, Nell isn't

the one who's particular

about skillet care. I am.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

Also, this, um, poncho,

it feels like sandpaper and

I'm gonna take it off forever.

[♪]

- Okay, okay.

- [SIGHS DEEPLY]

And I do magic.

Is this your coaster?

It is now.

- There he is.

- [SIGHS] Um

I am so happy that we're being honest,

because I have been holding

back some things as well.

Um, Edward, I know you're

an environmental lawyer

but I hate these paper straws.

They're completely useless. [SCOFFS]

Besides, how much can

one person really do

for the environment, anyway?

And does recycling really matter?

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

- Ah.

- Whew. [CHUCKLES]

I'm gonna go get us some real straws.

[♪]

I'm gonna have to tell my parents

I'm sleeping with a turtle m*rder*r.

[♪]

- [PULSING]

- [DOOR OPENS]

- [GASPS] Hey. How'd it go with Charlotte?

- [DOOR CLOSES]

Charlotte confessed that

the compost bin I got her

is where she keeps her

keys and her wallet.

I confessed that "Hoarders"

gives me night terrors.

- Mm.

- So

- we decided to take a break.

- Ohh.

I think I was so focused

on what she wanted,

I didn't really take the time

to consider what I wanted.

- What is this?

- I thought you should know

that you don't have to

hide who you are around me.

There are no rat archers in "Star Rim,"

- but thank you.

- You got it.

And just so you know [CLEARS THROAT]

I'm not going to hide

who I am around you either.

Hmm?

Okay, I'll let you be a

little disgusting troll

Oh! [SIGHS]

because you're my friend.

[GASPS] You said it. I'm your friend.

- I'm your friend?

- Yeah.

I'm your friend?!

[CHUCKLES] You're my friend.

- I don't like that.

- Okay.

- I don't like that.

- No backsies.

[GASPS] Whoops.

I am saying this as your friend.

- Yeah?

- You're a terrible roommate.