02x08 - And the Egg Special

[bunniefuu]

Okay, everyone time to divvy up what's in the Lost & Found box.

If my dignity's in there, tell it I say "What up."

This is my favorite day of the month.

Oh, God, I've fallen so far so fast.

You haven't fallen that far.

First item-- A scrunchie.

I need that. Give me!

I think I hit my bottom.

Okay, next item.

A pregnancy test.

That's empty. What?

I had two free minutes, and you never know.

Can we move this along?

I'm an old man, and I need to get to bed.

You are late to meet woman for hot date.

You know it.

A wallet and...

No money.

What? If I was pregnant, I needed it for the baby.

And finally for the sixth month in a row...

The wig.

All: The wig!

Han, it's your turn.

We have all put it on except you.

If I had to take a picture in it, you have to take a picture in it.

Okay, fine.

Man, I'm a fun boss.

Oh, sorry, sir. We're closed.

I was just checking if I left my toupee here.

Take the picture quick.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

[Cash register bell dings]

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

I got it. Here it is.

The new Martha Stewart Living.

I ran so fast, the librarian said, "Stop running in the library," and I almost said, "This is different. I'm stealing."

Why are you still even looking through Martha Stewart Living every month?

'Cause we might be mentioned in it.

Martha said she hadn't forgotten about us.

That's what my mother said, but I spent a whole day and night in that school parking lot.

Silver lining-- I still know the whole rap part to TLC's Waterfalls.

Well, I'm still holding out hope we're in this, even though I've been hurt two months in a row.

Oh, God, am I in an abusive relationship with a lifestyle guru?

Okay, let's get this over with.

"How to make him love your salmon."

"How to make him love your stretch marks."

Hey, he just doesn't love you.

Activia ad, Activia ad, Activia ad.

We get it, Jamie Lee. You poop lot.

"Get your oven Martha-clean, Max's something cupcakes" scarf, scarf, scarf. Wait, Max's cupcakes?

You just said, "Max's something cupcakes."

I did? Wow, my ears are so not used to anything good coming out of my mouth.

There. There. Look.

Both: "Max's Homemade Cupcakes is a Williamsburg must-have." [Screaming]

What's this? What's my face doing?

You're smiling, Max.

No way!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

It's a blurb. Everyone, we got a blurb in Martha Stewart Living.

Can I get some more coffee?

Are you insane?

Hey, everyone.

What's the excitement?

Is it 'cause I'm here?

Sophie, look, Max's homemade cupcakes got a blurb in Martha Stewart Living.

Oh, that's funny, 'cause I got a blurb in New York Apartment Life.

Look. "Sophie's Choice Cleaning Service--" they clean like their life depends on it."

Well, that's not exactly the same.

No, 'cause, look, I got three plungers.

Yeah, but I didn't want to brag.

[Cell phone dings] That must be Andy wondering if I'm coming over to have sex tonight.

Could my life get any better?

Oh, my God. It could get better.

There are, like, ten cupcake orders here.

Birthday, baby shower, bris.

Can we do a bris?

Sure. I'll just make a little rosette foreskin and write around the outside, "Congratulations on not terrifying women in 20 years."

Hey, Andy.

Hi, candy.

Did you see it?

Did you see the new Martha Stewart Living?

Oh, sorry, no. I still have to get through my Glamour and Modern Bride.

And I had sisters, so I'm allowed to know those names.

"A Williamsburg must-have." Nice.

You know I feel the same way about you.

Aw, cute, but it really doesn't mean anything unless it's in a blurb.

I couldn't wait to show this to you.

I'm so glad you were here late doing inventory.

Yeah, you know, it's the weirdest thing.

The only thing I can't account for is one missing Elvis pez dispenser, Max.

Um, I don't know what you're talking about, but...

[As elvis] Thank you. Thank you very much.

Can we please get back to the blurb?

Sorry. You're right.

I should have made a bigger deal about it.

It's just I've been a little freaked out.

We had some big drama here today.

Drama in a candy store?

Did the yogurt-covered craisins finally realize how stupid they are and commit mass su1c1de?

No, but seriously they pulled some bodies out of the closed-down soup kitchen across the way tonight.

So now we're completely off the blurb?

Some guys broke in. A bunch of people got sh*t.

Apparently, it was a drug deal gone wrong.

Oh, my God. That's horrible.

I know. Why can't a drug deal ever go right?

Hey, they said it was a real bloodbath.

I want to see it!

Oh, okay, so I'm closing the magazine then?

Max, you can't go in there.

It's a crime scene. There's police tape.

Is she magic?

One of my mom's boyfriends used to rob electronic stores.

He took me once for my birthday.

Hmm, there should be a light switch around here.

Oh, my God.

Oh, that's really gross.

That's the greatest thing I've ever seen!

Take a picture of me over here.

I finally have a reason to join Instagram.

People are gonna be like, "food, food, cat, food, nails, nails, m*rder?"

Guys, I can't be in here.

I get queasy if the meat juice touches my peas.

Is this your first blood splatter?

Jeez, someone's a princess.

Man, they are never gonna be able to rent this place now.

I'm gonna go over to my store and put blood on the walls so Max will like it more.

Max, look around.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yup. The sh**t stood here, and, based on the blood splatter, he was short and walked with a limp.

And his name was Mad Dog.

'Cause I want that to be his name.

No, Max, you know how we've always wanted our own shop?

This is it.

This is Max's homemade cupcakes.

Oh. Yeah, I see that.

And we can put our red velvets over there by the random skull fragments.

Besides, I thought our shop was gonna be in Manhattan.

Manhattan's over.

Williamsburg is the new hot area, and besides Martha's blurb says we're a Williamsburg must-have, so we must have this space.

No, we must have the money.

I mean, this place has got to be, like, $4,000 a month.

Was. Was $4,000 a month.

That was the pre-tragedy price.

When people die, it's a buyer's market.

You want to rent a room in that Shining hotel now, it's, like, 50 bucks a night.

Well, obviously I wanna start a business in a place where there was a sh**ting spree.

And, if we go with red, it's half painted.

But where are we gonna get the money?

This blurb is our money in the bank.

Oh, yeah, that's another thing we don't have.

A bank.

There are places set up by women specifically to support other women's small businesses.

I'm talking girl-on-girl financing.

That's hot.

But I don't care how much money they offer us.

I'm not braiding anyone's hair.

But are we ready?

Okay, yes.

This is a big leap of faith, but we're getting in lots of orders now thanks to the blurb.

And what's the worst thing that could happen?

Um, maybe these could be our brains.

No, not gonna happen.

We're gonna k*ll it.

No disrespect to any spirits still trying to find their way into the light.

I'll figure out a place, and we'll go first thing in the morning.

Find something business-y to wear, less cleavage.

Oh, these are all business.

Great, I'm gonna go find Andy.

What is it about real estate that makes you wanna dry hump?

Max, I'm so excited.

We're getting our dream.

You look like you want a hug.

I do.

Good night.

"Max's Homemade Cupcakes," you're up.

Caroline, why didn't you pick up?

They just called us early, and I don't know what to write on the paper.

And I feel like an idiot, my boobs are suffocating, and the only "business" thing I could find was Han's blazer.

It's itchy, and there's a piece of paper in the pocket with his name on it.

Why would he have that?

"Max's Homemade Cupcakes," time is money.

Um, here.

But our appointment's not for another 20 minutes.

Have a seat.

Cool place.

Women's small businesses.

Sisters doing it for themselves.

[Chuckling] Well, I'm doing it for the medical benefits.

Go.

Oh, now?

Before she gets here?

Um, well, I'm not really much of a business person.

Great way to start a business loan application.

Go!

You have a minute.

Okay, well, um, how much time do I have now?

Slightly less than a minute.

Okay, uh, my business partner could explain this better than me, but I'll try.

[Clears throat]

[Almost inaudible] We have a cupcake business.

And we bake cupcakes in my roommate's bedroom.

I can't hear you.

You want to write it down, draw it, shape it in clay?

I would have filled this out more, but that chick over there wouldn't let me cheat off her.

She's not a girl's girl, know what I mean?

Very professional.

Under past loan repayment, you put, "Paid Todd back all the beer money I owed."

To be fair, he was drunk all the time.

I could have just said I did.

Points for honesty.

Let's get you a new loan application.

Just got your message.

The one time I don't come early.

Speaking of that, I just had the most amazing orgasm.

I mean, we've been having really great sex, but this morning, I could not get enough of his-- projected growth ratio investment analysis.

Hello, Caroline Channing.

Wharton class of '09.

That's our business proposal.

And I would be a little embarrassed about what just happened if I didn't know that we're all just girls here.

Can we move this along?

I got a busted toilet and a pregnant dog at home.

Why didn't you tell me she was under there?

Oh, sorry, I wasn't expecting a monologue from Confessions of a Call Girl.

I'm afraid we're gonna have to deny the loan.

Why? Because she had a good orgasm?

Isn't that what the '70s was about for you gals?

You have no business history.

And that's a requirement for us.

Well, I think we're done here.

Yeah. I just said that.

I thought you guys were about supporting small women's business.

And this small woman's "bidness" needs support after the pounding it took today.

Max, let's go.

Okay, there's a bank in New Hampshire that doesn't check anything.

And before someone else grabs our cupcake space, I say we get on a bus and go up there.

They won't give out their exact address, but I know they're in a mini mall with a white castle.

Better idea.

I went to Craigslist, clicked on "etc" and found all kinds of opportunities to make some cash.

I'm fighting the instinct to weep, but keep going.

At first I thought I might call pit pig.

He just wants his armpits smelled, but that's, like, 1,000 sniffs.

Big commitment.

Or there's the weirdo looking for pretty amputees, but that feels like a bigger commitment.

So, check it.

"Egg donors needed.

Ten to twenty grand."

No way, I could never sell my eggs.

I mean, wouldn't you hate to think you had a kid out there and not know it?

I probably do.

In 2006, I invented the Four Loko and Robitussin smoothie.

It's pretty much a blackout year.

Seriously, for the right price I'd sell 'em all.

Really?

I mean, I know you've always been tough.

To hear you tell it, you were part of an underground baby fight club.

But don't you wanna be a mom some day?

In the history of the world, give me one example of a really good mother.

You're putting me on the spot.

All I can think of is Hilary Duff.

Look, you're complicating this with these things you call emotions.

Like it or not...

[Bawks like a chicken]

I'm an egg farm.

Because we don't know one single person outside of New Hampshire who can lend us that kind of money.

Yoo-hoo, girls, look out the window.

Up here! It's me!

Oleg and I would like two cupcakes please.

I feel weird asking Sophie for money.

And how do we even know she has any?

Well, she's building her dream house in Poland between a former death camp and a new W.

She's gotta be loaded.

And Sophie's the kind of woman who understands our dreams.

Come in.

That's exactly what I thought would be on the other side of that door.

Oleg, sweetie, we have company.

I brought you an ass pillow.

Nice to see you like this outside of work, girls, no?

Both: No.

Girls, did you see my big hanging thing?

Yeah, we kinda just saw it.

No, I'm talking about my new ch-andelier for my lake house.

Yeah, I can totally see you drinking ch-ardonnay under it.

Oh, Max, you are so funny.

She's a real ch-aracter.

Yeah, that's not a word.

Okay, well, we just wanted to bring you some more cupcakes for free, per usual, and perhaps talk about a possible business venture.

Oh, sorry, girls.

I have two rules in life: Never drink from the same well as a gypsy and never lend money to friends.

And, Max, you are my friend.

Okay, well, we were just checking, but thanks anyway.

But, Sophie, just hear us out.

It's a wonderful opportunity, and we'll of course pay you back with interest.

Okay, buh-bye.

Let's go. We tried it. Now it's--[Clucks]--time.

You are not harvesting your body for money.

What's the big deal?

I sold two kidneys for a down payment on my house.

Not true. You need at least one to live.

Oh, well, they weren't mine.

Well, you know what we have to do.

Let's get the bawk out of here.

And you're sure you're okay with selling your eggs, right?

Totally. What do I care? I've got a million of 'em.

I'm happy to lose a few. More room for beer.

Lose some eggs, more room for beer.

It's crazy that's not their slogan.

So what'd they ask you on the application?

You know, income, hobbies, "Did you ever have sex in Africa?"

[Scoffs] I wish.

The closest I ever got was a dude once put his hand up my skirt in an Ethiopian restaurant.

You know, now that we're here, I think it's kind of wonderful that places like this exist to help women who can't have babies have babies.

Hey, you think they take points off for syphilis?

Max, I think it's really noble what you're doing to get our dream.

This is a very special day.

How do you spell "chlamydia"?

Well, no "k"s, and I personally wouldn't heart the "I."

Oh, thanks.

And do I gotta put here if my brother touched a kid?

Max Black.

Thank you for your interest, but I'm afraid we're gonna have to pass.

Why? I didn't have sex in Africa.

Yes, I know, that was your one plus, but under "family history," you put "drinking" and "secrets."

I was being honest.

Yeah, maybe too honest, because under "education" you wrote, "Jeopardy reruns," and we're really looking for college graduates.

Jeez, I'll take "elitist" for 500, Alex.

Sorry, we're looking for girls that come from Ivy league schools and have impressive family backgrounds.

Maybe her eggs didn't go to Wharton and graduate at the top of their class like I did, but just look at her.

Who wouldn't want a baby with such strength, beauty, and a rack so great it could breast-feed itself?

You went to Wharton?

We pay $20,000 for Ivy league eggs.

[Clucks]

Wow, we're taking blood already?

I guess going to Wharton does put you on the fast track.

Just part of the process to become a donor.

I'm gonna go get some vials, and I'll be right back.

It's so cool of you to do this.

It says a lot about you.

You know what says a lot about me?

The fact that I know she tied you off wrong.

I'm happy to do it.

It's a small price to pay to make our dream come true.

I'm doin' this to pay down some debt.

I'm real deep 'cause of Powerball.

Whoa, dude, how did you get through?

I went to Harvard. I'm like crazy-good at math.

Max, she's making me nervous. Close the curtain.

And frankly, I'm a little resentful.

I didn't get into Harvard.

Are you sure you're okay with this?

'Cause you seem a little jumpy.

No, I'm fine.

They're just taking a little blood.

Or from the looks of it, they're taking all of it.

There better be a nice juice and a cookie after this.

Please relax. It's only eight vials.

They gotta take a lot to make sure they don't get a kid with, like, another kid growing out of it.

Max, this all just got very real.

Hold my hand.

You know I don't hold hands.

Oh, you lesbians are so high maintenance.

Please?

You don't think I'm gonna give away my best egg, right?

I'm not gonna give away the concert pianist and get stuck with the guy who breaks into homes and smells women's underwear?

Well, either way, you got a kid with a passion.

But you don't have to do this.

No, I can do this. It's for our dream.

But you don't have to do this.

I can do this. Put it in.

It's already in.

I can't do this.

I'm not trashy, I'm not some farm animal.

Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

I am so, so sorry!

You know what would be cute here?

A cupcake store.

Hi, Max. Oh, it's chilly outside.

Nipples everywhere.

Have a seat. I'll be right over.

Oh, that's okay. I texted my order in on the way.

Hey, baby. I got your text. Did you get my erotic haiku?

I did.

Did you get the picture I sent of me and the dustbuster?

No, I didn't.

Oh, no, Grandpa Yorgish!

Look.

Earl framed our blurb.

He did? That is so sweet.

What?

I always saw it as bigger on the wall in our shop.

Look, the shop is an amazing idea, and, if it's not that space right now, it'll be another.

I mean, there have to be mass murders all over Brooklyn, right?

If we're lucky.

And, even if it didn't work out, it's still the closest I've ever come to something great, and that's cool.

And someday we'll find someone crazy enough to lend us money.

I say that because, if you can convince me to believe a dream, you can get anyone.

Pickup. [Rings bell]

Here you go, Sophie. That's $11.25.

Oh, you take a check, right?

This is for $20,000.

Oh, is it? I thought it was for $20.

Oh, well. Keep it.

Maybe you could use it for your dream, or to get your legs waxed, or something.

Sophie, are you serious?

Yes.

Sophie, this is really, really amazing.

Oh, come on. I don't need a parade.

Just keep the cupcakes coming.

Max, do you know what this means?

We are going to be a Williamsburg must-have.

We're getting our dream.

I feel like you want a hug.

I do.