02x11 - And the Silent Partner

[bunniefuu]

Well, you, me, and the cupcakes are ready, now, we just need people. [Chuckles]

Ooh, here we go!

This one looks like she might come in.

Yeah, keep walking, ugly!

Ugly? She's like a supermodel.

Did she come in and buy something?

No.

Then, she ugly.

Okay, yes, business is slow, but we don't have to drop to that level.

Ooh, this guy is definitely coming in.

Keep walking, fatty!

And he ugly.

[Both gasp]

Both: Welcome to Max's homemade cupcakes!

Hello. How much are your cupcakes?

$4.

No.

Both: Whore.

Jinx, you owe me a coke! [Laugh]

We both called an old lady a whore.

I know! We are in complete sync.

That is so good for business.

I'll give you $3.

I'm sorry, they're $4.

There's no one in here. You'll take what you get.

I'm in love with that whore.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh [cash register bell dings]

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

Hello. I'm calling from Max's Homemade Cupcakes to acquaint you with our new "Mornings with Max's" special.

No, sir, that is not what our special is.

And I haven't even done that with my boyfriend yet, so don't be rude.

Give me that phone.

Ya fat, ya ugly, ya fugly.

Max, we have got to get more business going.

The money Sophie gave us to open the shop will only cover next month's rent.

Wait, we already have next month's rent?

Why are we worried? We're doing better than everyone else in America.

Well, well, well, if it isn't Prince Charming.

But, Earl, is Prince Charming, or is he just a diva in purple?

So psyched. Finally got a personalized hello from Earl.

He called me Prince Charming.

I'm in, baby, I am in. [Laughs]

I wouldn't get too excited.

He probably just forgot your name.

He calls every Puerto Rican guy that comes in here "La Bamba."

[Phone ringing]

Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

Yes, I'll hold.

[Laughs]

Of course we do sugar-free and gluten-free.

I'll be right back, I just gotta take this call.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm, I understand, but, like, how diabetic?

I feel a little sick to my stomach.

Why? You haven't even eaten here yet.

No, I'm nervous.

I came here to tell Caroline something kind of big.

What? You have a secret family on Long Island?

No.

You have Hep-C? "D"?

One of the new heps?

No.

I don't have any of the heps.

Wow. Now, telling her I'm in love with her is just going to sound boring.

You're gonna tell her you love her?

Here in the diner?

Why, was the dump closed?

Hey, we need more coffee, La Bamba.

Andy, this isn't where you tell someone "I love you."

This is where you tell someone their sex change looks passable.

What's the big deal?

If I feel it, why shouldn't I say it?

I think she'd be all over that.

Nope. If it didn't happen to Kate Hudson in some stupid romantic comedy, then it won't work for Caroline.

Sorry, what? I left and went into another theater in my mind while you were talking.

I know, it's so creepy, but she likes it.

Really, if you could arrange for it to rain, or run after her to the airport in the rain, but somehow end up on top of the Empire State building on Valentine's Day, that'd be best.

Well, I just sold three dozen cupcakes, we just have to mark "No sugar" on one of the boxes.

So what did you want to say to me?

No, nothing, just came by to say hi.

I gotta go download a couple movies.

Hey, Oleg. Where's my food?

[Rings bell] Cheeseburger with fries, pick-up.

Han, you look so tall in the window.

Tell me the truth, are you standing on another tiny person?

No.

On the box.

Oleg had to leave.

Sophie came back from her trip to Poland, and he's worried, 'cause she's very, very depressed.

Why, did she see you in that hair net?

Come on, listen, when Sophie went to see her new house, there was no house.

Her Polish contractor ripped off her money.

Poor Sophie. I feel terrible.

I know what it feels like to be ripped off.

I once bought a Fendi purse, but when I looked inside, it said "Rendi."

What kind of god would let that happen?

Max, I went to a party with that.

We should stop by after work, see how she is, and bring her some of her favorite cupcakes.

Or you could give her that $20,000 she loaned you.

Loaned us? Sophie gave us that money as a gift.

Not what I hear. Pick-up!

And we're out of spaghetti. There's no sauce.

No, Han, there's plenty of sauce.

[Whispering] I know, but I can't reach the shelf.

Hey, are we sure that money Sophie gave us was a gift?

Yes. She gave it to us to support our dream.

I know when I had money, I gave it out freely, and never expected anything in return.

Like when I gave my maid that gorgeous Rendi.

Well, I don't know about people not expecting stuff back.

One time, a guy bought me a slushy, and for the next three weeks, he owned me.

No, he really owned me.

Eight days in, I almost got traded to a trucker.

And I wouldn't even mention her gift.

It will only insult her, and I promise, nobody is expecting us to give the money back.

Come in, girls. Did you bring the check?

No, because it was a gift-- a big-ass gift, but we brought our love and we brought cupcakes.

Well, I doubt she'll eat them.

She hasn't even touched her kapusniak, which is the dish traditionally served to Polish women who have been wronged by their contractors.

Such a specific culture.

But that's not the worst thing.

She is so depressed, no sex, which is big problem for me, because I find depressed women very hot.

A lot of guys do.

Why do you think I haven't paid for a drink in six years?

I'll go in and tell her you're here.

She's just lying there on the bed, lifeless, hot...

The big tease.

Sophie, the two girls who you loaned the money to are here to see you.

It was a gift.

A generous, generous gift, but still a gift.

Are we sure about that? 'Cause I was slushy boy's bitch for three weeks, and I did things.

Look, Max brought you cupcakes, your favorite: Vanilla with a bacon fat drizzle.

No, I can't eat when I've been betrayed.

What kind again?

Sophie, I am patient man, but I am also horny man.

Any idea when you will snap out of this?

Oh, why don't you just unzip and climb on top of me now and get it over with?

Oh, no.

Well, we should be going.

No, girls, stay.

If she's not even going to put up a fight, what's the fun?

Are you sure?

Bacon drizzle, little bit of heaven.

No, I don't want them.

Okay, let's put the cupcakes here, in case you change your mind.

Is this a g*n?

Ooh!

Yes. I'm not going to s*ab myself to death.

Do you know how much this outfit costs?

Sophie, you're going to get through this.

And by the way, you look amazing in black.

Oh, well, no more bright colors for me now.

I'm in mourning.

See? Black bra, black garters, and look, black panties.

Um, you're not wearing any panties.

I'm not?

Oh.

I'm sorry about that wild mess down there.

Sophie, I feel bad you got ripped off.

Here are all my tips from tonight: $27.

For eight hours?

Oh, now, I'm depressed for you.

You want to borrow my g*n?

You know what? I think you just need to eat something, and pretty soon, you'll be back to your old self: A woman who gives gifts and expects nothing in return, 'cause that's what a gift is.

Sophie, is that doing anything for you?

Yeah, well, I'm not hating it.

Here, this soup smells amazing.

Oh, no. I don't have the energy to eat.

Sophie, open your mouth and put this in.

Oh, come on. Now you're as bad as Oleg.

There. Better?

That's cold.

Sophie, just say the word, and I will rob a bank for you.

Sophie, I understand you're hurting, but we've already spent most of the money on the shop, and business just isn't good.

It's not the money. Everybody thinks it's the money.

It's more than that.

My lake house was my dream, and I lost my dream.

Oh, thank God!

Well, I'm glad that's cleared up.

Not about the money.

Max, come on, she's had a shock, we should let her sleep.

You girls are so lucky. You still have your dream.

Well, Sophie, what if you were part of our dream?

I'm sorry? Whose dream?

Our dream.

Your dream? Where's that cupcake?

Look, Sophie's the only reason we have a shop.

We should make her, like, a partner.

Mmm! Partner!

But you and I are already partners.

I feel like we're kind of partnered out.

What about a silent partner?

Mmm! Silent partner! Yeah, I like that.

Mmm! I'm getting my appetite back, and also, my sex drive.

Go or stay, girls. Either way, I'm going in.

I'm sorry I said Sophie could be part of the store.

I just felt bad for her, lying there, all in black, too sad to even make her junk pretty.

It's fine. "Silent partner" is just a figurehead role anyway, and it's nice to know you have such a big heart.

It's not my heart.

What I saw down there changed me.

It looks like something an animal built to live in for the winter.

Wait, what is Sophie's chandelier doing here?

Is this the Polish version of a home invasion?

They break in and leave something tacky?

Good morning, partners.

I didn't know the dress code, so I went business casual.

Look, the chandelier that I bought for my lake house.

Oh, now our dreams are together.

Sophie, it's not the look we were going for.

Oh, I know. Much better, right?

That is definitely not our style.

It looks like a Tim Burton movie just spit up in here.

I think it's kind of pretty.

But what do I know?

I once spent my last 50 bucks on a frog pinata.

Had to have it.

[Phone ringing]

Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

Yes, we're an upscale bakery, and--

Now, we sell hoagies.

Oh, no, no, no, sir, we do not sell hoagies.

Yes, we do.

How many would you like? Let me get a pen.

[Knocking at the door]

What's happening?

Are we finally gonna trash Caroline?

No, I need your help.

I watched four chick flicks back-to-back, then I made a list of possible ways to tell Caroline I love her.

I was gonna make more, but I got my period.

Okay, run the choices past me.

Whichever one makes me want to hurl the most, that's your winner.

I could play a song for her outside of her apartment, but keep in mind how hard it is to find a boom box in 2012.

Yeah, plus, if you do that outside our apartment, you'll be sh*t.

By me.

Okay, what about sharing cocoa and a hot dog on the ice rink in Central Park?

Yup, that's it.

Makes me want to take my head off and throw it into the street.

Cool. Oh, and, Max, I think I'm the only straight guy on earth who knows the difference between Dylan McDermott and Dermott Mulroney, and that, my friend, is love.

Oh, what's that funky-ass smell?

Do they finally sell pepperoni febreze?

Max, this already isn't working.

The stinky salami, the gaudy chandelier?

It's like a haunted Quiznos in here.

Hey, I'm sending Oleg to Queens to pick up a flat of Fresca. Yeah.

There's nothing better with a hoagie than an ice-cold Fresca.

That's what I wanted!

Look...

They'll go great with the pickled eggs!

This just went from my dream to a nightmare.

Oh, my God, Caroline! It is you!

Stacy, no way! I haven't seen you since graduation.

We went to Wharton together.

This girl is a genius.

[Chuckles]

Always top of the class.

So what are you doing here?

Buying a cupcake on your way to running the world?

No, I own this shop.

Oh. You own this little cupcake shop?

And many other bigger shops.

This is our new Williamsburg location.

And yes, I know, the chandelier is all wrong.

I told the designer, none of our Pacific Northwest locations will have the chandeliers.

Of course, you'd own a cupcake empire at 25.

Oh, and this is Max.

Hi.

I just transferred from our Boise location.

What's that horrible smell?

It's something called a "hoagie."

The workers like them. Right, Max?

Si, gracias por la hoagie.

Well, I have to go.

I'm consulting upstairs at BBD&L.

Oh, upstairs. [Chuckles]

Yeah.

Always knew you'd land on your feet.

Let's go for drinks, and you're paying, mogul.

I hope she likes water.

Now what am I going to do? Stacy's in the building.

Well, you could move to Narnia and run that branch, you pathological liar.

Max, this is not how I want people to see me, or smell me, quite frankly.

We have to get rid of the salami, the chandelier, and the Sophie. This is our dream, not hers.

Okay, fine, I'll tell her.

Hey, Sophie, can we talk to you?

Good news, girls.

Now we sell scratchers.

But I have even a better idea.

You two should dress up as big cupcakes and pass out free samples.

Sophie, Max has something she wants to say to you.

Wait.

Girls, I have something to say first.

[Sighs]

Two days ago, I was on the verge of su1c1de.

Yeah, seriously, I hadn't eaten all afternoon.

But your generosity with your dream has given me a reason to get up and get a wax.

Yeah.

Oh. Max, there was something you wanted to say?

I was going to say--

[laughs]

You look delicious.

I look like Honey Boo Boo's mom at the prom.

This is so humiliating.

[Scoffs] Now I know how Tyra felt when she went undercover as that fat person.

Please tell me this is our bottom.

Well, it's your bottom. I went to happy hour once and woke up naked in the penguin habitat at the Bronx zoo.

And I did things.

Hey, girls.

What are you two doing just standing there?

God gave cupcakes legs for a reason.

You need to hit the streets, shake your cake maker, and show people your goods.

Hey, don't look at me, it's vanilla.

I was looking forward to going up to complete strangers on the street and saying "eat me," but she won't leave.

Well, if you're not going to go out and get the customers, then I'll have to bring the customers to you.

I gotta do everything around here.

Seriously, I can't believe we're just standing here when we could be chasing fat people down the street, yelling, "you ate my brother!"

Look at you two.

What I wouldn't give for a giant glass of milk.

[Laughs]

Look at you, though.

You look so cute.

No, don't look at me.

I'm totally embarrassed in this thing.

Yes, she's cute and embarrassed, in a larger-than-life, colorful, public setting.

Ah, right.

So, Caroline, listen, I wanted to--

Look, girls, some young professionals.

Oh, my God! She's bringing Stacy.

She can't see me in this. I was her valedictorian.

Take this.

Oh! Ugh! Oh! Wait.

Help me up, Max! Help me up!

Oh, great. Now you're like my mom.

Here, give me your left hand.

[Groans] Okay, give me your right hand.

Get up! Get up! Five second rule.

[Grunts]

Ugh! [Sighs]

What are you two crazy cakes doing?

You lost your customers. They ran away.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, I don't get it.

You won't push the hoagies or the pickled eggs.

You must really have a fear of success.

Well, at least we missed Stacy.

Well, you know what else you missed? Andy.

He was about to tell you he loves you.

What?

Just now, in the hall, and at the ice rink.

He's been trying to tell you all week.

But I've been too preoccupied with work, like Sandra Bullock in The Proposal.

So he was gonna tell me at the ice rink?

The one in Central Park?

Yes, while having cocoa and splitting a hot dog.

Oh, my God!

That's, like, my dream "I love you" scenario.

Why didn't you tell me sooner?

Because when it comes to other people's creepy love stuff, that's when I'm a silent partner, and you need to stop with this creepy rom-com stuff.

Life isn't like a movie.

Sometimes you're not a success right away sometimes you have to just eat it and be a cupcake, and sometimes you have to take your "I love you" whichever way it comes.

You are so right.

I don't have to wait for the moment to be perfect, like it was for Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama.

My life's not a romantic comedy.

I can do it my own way.

Like Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding.

Andy, it's me!

I'll be right out.

No, this can't wait any longer.

I don't need a big romantic comedy moment.

No--

[Grunts]

Oh! Oh.

Oh, sorry. I thought it was the office!

Not the office.

[Struggling] I'm stuck.

Oh, I want to go, but I can't.

And I'll never be able to go again.

Well, I'm on the toilet and you're in a cupcake.

Can't get creepier than this, so, Caroline, I love you.

I love you too.

Oh, please, push me out.

How'd it go? Was it romantic?

He told me he loved me on the toilet.

Oh, man! That's my dream scenario!

Hey.

I'm only gonna do this for an hour, to show you how it's done, and then I'm out.

This is your dream, not mine.

Cupcakes! Free cupcakes!

Come on, get 'em!

Get 'em while they're hot!