01x10 - Cellar Beware

[bunniefuu]

[whistles]

[quacks]

WOMAN:
And now, squat-thrusts.

Up and down,
back and forth.

Squat, thrust.

Hey!

Hey!
Hey!

Hay.

Hey.
I can't hear myself think.

What? I can't hear myself think.

What?

Bernice!
Aunt Bernice?

[yelling]

By the hand of Zeus,

what manner of deviltry is this?

I mean, what gives?

Whew.
There's Ajax.

You scared us, son.

Listen to me,
all four of you.

I've decided
it's time we did

what other people who
live in the same house do.

We're going to start
planning things as a family.

How about separate vacations?

[laughing]

I'm very excited
about tonight's plans.

I've actually asked
our neighbors

to come over to our house
for the monthly meeting

of the Block Association.

[all grumbling]

Quiet!

People dangling from
the ceiling in a net

don't get to say
what we're going to do.

It's high time this family
got involved together

in a group activity.

[screaming]

And don't even think
about throwing spears,

sh**ting bows and arrows,
and dumping boiling oil on them

from the roof.

This is very important to me.

We never have visitors.

And, in order
to guarantee your attendance,

you will remain
in that net

until half an hour
before they arrive.

At which time,
you will wash up.

Then make our guests
feel welcome

and if anybody fails to do that,

I'll make his life
a living hell.

A worse one
than it is now.

Do we understand
each other?

[half-hearted agreement]

Do we understand each other?!

ALL:
Yes, ma'am.

Peachy. Let's party.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Very impressive.

Everything's tip-top.

I believe we're prepared
to make a stellar impression.

[breaking wind]

They'll be here any minute.

Duckman, you fixed that short
in the doorbell,

didn't you?

[man yelling]

Seems to be working fine.

Oh, that's them.
Ajax, comb your hair.

Charles and Mambo,
fix your collars.

Duckman, go pick up some dip
in the store

just over
the state line.

Give it a rest, Bernice.

I've lived in
this neighborhood

for 18 years.

These people know me

and embrace me
as one of their own.

I'll have a Manhattan
straight up, bartender.

I live here!

Ah. Kent.
Don.

Kathy.
Elaine.

Gene.
Ronnie.

Edna.
Dorothy.

Len.
Phil.

Beth.
Rochelle.

Dave.
Jeff.

Jenny.
Susan.

So nice
to see all of you.

I don't know why we haven't
asked you over before.

You have asked.

We just never wanted to come.

Ever since Duckman came
to our son's bar mitzvah,

dunked his head
in the punch bowl

and came up belching
the first two verses

of "Hava Nagila."

Duckman,

take their coats.

[grunting and groaning]

[people gasping]

What the hell
are you staring at?

Your lawn mower.

We used to have one
just like it

until it disappeared

some time after
we loaned it to you.

[chuckles]:
Imagine that.

Got a Weed Whacker
that looks a lot

like the one I
used to have, too.

Bought it right after
I borrowed yours.

Just loved what it did
to that crabgrass.

And your welcome mat
looked familiar.

The one with "Dave
and Jenny Farber" on it.

I'm a detective!

We like to remain
incognito, okay?

Their TV's
a lot like ours.

So are their
dining room chairs.

You have a silver frame with a
picture of our kids at Sea World

in it, too?

Isn't that grandma's
dialysis machine?

Well, well, well,
should have guessed it.

You move into
the same neighborhood,

you're bound to have
similar tastes.

Sparky!

So, still taking
those drink orders.

Oh, well, then,
Rob Roy.

Hey, a Seven and Seven.

I'll have
a strawberry margarita.

Blend and brew
on shaved ice.

Hairy Navel!

Flaming tambico
and soda.

Sex on the beach
for me.

Oh, just give me a
big bucket of whiskey.

Flaming this,

blend and brew that-- whatever
happened to the manly drinks--

the kind that made you go blind,
puke till you dropped

and wake up three days later
married to the daughter

of some overprotective father

who'd pay you
to get it annulled?

So, Charles, Sambo,
uh, got any hobbies?

Electron microscopy...

Kierkegaardian
existentialism...

and speaking in
a binary-based code

only we understand.

How wonderfully adolescent.



[laughing]

True, Grandma-ma
doesn't talk much,

but she enjoys
delighting others

with a unique
party trick.

Do either of you
have a lighter?

Goodness, Bernice,
this spread is sumptuous.

You really should
entertain more often.

[Grandma-ma
breaks wind]

[expl*si*n]

Oh, my.

Which, of course,
is not to say

we'd always be available.

Here you go--
a little Duckman kickapoo juice

to dull the nerve endings
and make everyone seem

at least mildly interesting.

This, uh, drink
has a very unusual kick to it.

What's your secret?

Hey, do Siegfried and Roy
tell Copperfield

how they do it?

[sniffing]

If I didn't
know better,

I'd say...
it's Formula 409.

[gagging]

WOMAN 1:
Is that ammonia?

WOMAN 2:
Is this Tidy-Bowl?

Wait. Don't go.

You think if this
were cleaning fluid,

Duckman would drink it?

[gulping]

Must be all right.

Well, he got it down.

I'll have another.

I'd just like to say
how thrilled we are

to host the association
meeting here tonight

and that I've arranged for
a very special guest speaker--

an authority to talk to us
about home security.

Well, I didn't prepare
any notes, but...

Not you, Duckman.

I mean a real authority--

someone who sells
home security systems.

What? All those
scam artists do

is prey on your paranoia
by telling you horror stories

about pervert sociopaths
and young Republicans,

so they can
frighten you

into buying
their overpriced product.

Well, not this duck!
We've never been robbed

because I'm the king
of my castle.

I've got the dangling modifiers
in this English class

and no one's going
to make me think like a victim.

[screaming]

I'm so sorry, Mr. Duckman.

A crude yet effective way
to show

how anyone can inv*de your home
before you know what hit you.

I got a crude yet effective way
to show you out of my home

before you know...

Thank you so much for
coming, uh, Mr., uh...

Tetzloff.
Terry Duke Tetzloff.

And it's so nice
to see you all gathered here

to talk about home security

while your houses
sit empty and unattended,

inviting gosh knows who
to break in.

[gasping]

Well, shall we get started?

And then, he took
the electric carving Kn*fe

cut her into little pieces,
and fed her to his dog.

And as for the rest
of the orphans...

[gasping]

Well, it wasn't pretty

and all because they didn't have

the Interlopen Fuhrer 1500
home security system.

But, hey, I'm not here
to scare you.

I'm just warning you
what can happen

when you value $5,999.95

more than you do
the safety of your own children.

I hate to admit it,
but Dad was right.

This is designed
to prey upon

our urban angst
and paranoia.

Now then, who will be
the first to say "yes--

my family
matters to me"?

Me! Me, me, me, me, me!

Please!
Take my money first!

Take mine, please!

Please, please, puh-leeze!

Bernice, say what you will,
but, as the man of the house,

it's my sacred duty

to protect my
loved ones. And you.

And don't worry.

I didn't let him sell me

that cheapie
Interlopen Fuhrer 1500.

I talked him into selling me

the deluxe model--
the Interlopen Fuhrer 2000.

Deluxe? How much did that cost?

Not to worry-- your car,
all your clothes

and the kids' savings bonds
covered most of it.

ALL:
Our what?!

Hey, you're going to thank me

when you realize
it's a small price to pay

for complete security
and peace o' mind.

I thought
this house was empty.

Me, too, but it's got

the biggest alarm
system on the block

so there must be some
great stuff inside.

Yup. Here it is--

Interlopen Fuhrer 2000.

[snoring]

COMPUTER:
This house is now unarmed.

Shh! Hillary, not so loud.

What if Bill hears you?

[chuckling]

[yawning]

[screams]

Very funny, compost maggot.

[chuckles]:
I never get tired of that one.

If you're done
with your imbecilic jokes,

Mr. Security and Peace o' Mind,

you might be interested to know
that we've been robbed.

[screaming]

[snoring]

Huh?!

Mambo, wake up!

Why did you wake me?

You know I like to sleep
late on Saturdays.

[screaming]

Duckman, I think Ajax
is in shock.

You better talk to him.

Ajax, son, I'm sorry,

but you're just going
to have to accept the fact

that we've
been robbed.

Robbed? Then that would mean
the TV isn't there.

I thought it was stuck on one
of those cable access show

where nothing ever happens.

Listen, everyone, not to worry.

I'll conduct
my own investigation.

Fine. I'll call
the insurance company

and tell them we've given up.

Hey, they stole my homework.

And I was up all night
doing my essay for Career Day.

I wish I could crawl in a hole
and stay there forever.

Ajax, you don't have
to get that upset.

I'm not.
That was the title of my essay.

Wait a minute.

You were up all night?

Didn't you
notice anything?

Just a Jehovah's Witness
in a ski mask

who said he didn't want
to wake us by knocking.

Oh, and I finished the butter.

Ajax, how could that happen?!

I can't believe

you're that oblivious
to the world around you.

Sorry, Dad.

Next time try to remember

there are other people
in this house

who might have liked
a little butter, too!

Will you forget
about the butter?

Did it ever occur to anybody
that Mambo and I

have lost almost
everything we own?

Including our
Science Fair project:

"The effects of sunlight
on electromagnetic isotopes."

Hey, Rod, open the sunroof.

We've all lost things that were
near and dear to us, boys.

I, for example,
can't bear the thought

of somebody else using
my upper thigh massager.

[yells in disgust]:
Me neither.

However, our things are gone

and I think the only
constructive thing to do

at this point
is to blame your father.

Me?! How much stuff do you think
would have been missing

if I hadn't gotten
the security system?

You're right, Dad.

Thanks for protecting
the lint

that was mercifully left
in my pants pocket.

And the dust balls
that the criminals

were too intimidated
by the alarm

to take from
under our beds.

They left the dust balls?

Terrific. I bust a tail feather
trying to protect this family

and what do I get
in return?

Exactly what you deserve!

You are the
irresponsible cretin

who blew thousands
of dollars

on a criminal-friendly
security system, aren't you?

Irresponsible?!

Ha! Ha!

That's a laugh.

We'll see who's irresponsible
when I fix this alarm.

Ungrateful family.

Try to keep them safe

and all of a sudden,
you're irresponsible.

[yells]

[electrical zapping]

A couple of wires,
a switch or two.

How hard could it be?

[gavel pounding]

MAN:
Is it true, Mr. Tetzloff,

that the Interlopen Fuhrer 2000
alarm system

has features which
have been found to be

extremely dangerous?

Only if you're
irresponsible enough

to go inside the console
and try to fix it yourself.

[all laughing]

Okay, okay,
you made your point.

Next up-- Baby Blade Face.

Got to fit...

Came out...

COMPUTER:
The house is now armed.

Woo-hoo!
You hear that?

The house is armed.

I did it!

Who's irresponsible now,
Bernice?

For your information

the alarm is now working again.

I've done that voodoo
that I do so well.

Meaning this family
can once again

feel secure and comfortable
in their home.

Hey, how come there's a
pit of hydrochloric acid

in front of our
underwear drawers?

[alarm sounds]

COMPUTER:
Intruder. Must eliminate.

Whoa!
Whoa!

I suppose I could tone it down
a skosh.

COMPUTER:
Motion sensors activated.

Hey, everyone...

Don't move!

Okay, I won't move.

Unless
this is reverse psychology

and you do want me to move.

But if it's reverse-reverse
psychology,

then you don't want me
to move.

If it's
reverse-reverse-reverse...

Shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up!

Okay, I'll shut up.

Unless that
was reverse psychology

and you want me
to keep talking.

Duckman, here is something
you haven't heard from me

in the last, what--
three or four minutes?

This is all your fault!

My fault?! Hey, just 'cause
I fiddle with a couple of wires

and create a deadly force field

that'll brutally k*ll all of us
if we move as much as an inch,

suddenly, I'm the fall guy.

[breaking wind]

Okay, look,

as head of the family,

it's my responsibility to lead
us out of this small

and utterly surmountable
predicament.

And naturally,
I have a plan.

Run like hell
for the basement!

[all yelling]

["Ride of the Valkyries"
playing]

[music stops]

Ho!

Just goes to show you
where a good plan will get you.

Oh! Watch it, Bernice!

You're stepping on my head.

Like I can do any more damage.

Tell me, Mr. Fixit,

what exactly are we
going to do now?

Very simple.
We count on our neighbors.

They broke bread with us
last night, Bernice.

We bonded.

I have no doubt
that the minute any one of them

notices anything strange
going on over here,

they'll be more than annxious
to rush to our aid.

[alarm wailing]

Anymore lemonade, dear?

[alarm wailing]

You gotta get me
out of here!

I gotta get out!
It's too much, you hear me!

The walls are closing in on me.

The ceiling is getting lower.

There are strange,
gigantic lumpen shapes

forming in the corners
of the room.

Look, I found

my old contact lens.

Please let me out!

I can't take it!
I can't take it!

The loss of hope,

the feelings
of isolation,

the pain in my face!

I don't give a horse's hiney
about your pain!

We've been down here
for ten minutes

and you've spent the last eight
folding like a cheap deck chair.

She's right, Dad.
You have been

acting like a bit of a...
what's the word?

[cat meowing]

That's it.

Yeah? Well... there's a reason
I'm acting this way.

I'm just afraid if I tell you

it'll make you
think less of your old dad.

Good point.

Something happened
when I was a kid,

something I've carried with me
all these years.

I was six years old.

I stole some candy
from the Five and Dime

and my dad found out.

Instead of spanking me
or yelling at me,

he just sat down and calmly
wrote a little note,

put it in an envelope

and then told me to take it
to the chief of police.

When I did, the chief
read the note, shook his head

then locked me in a jail cell.

You were in jail
when you were six?!

Turns out the note said,

"This little boy
stole some candy.

Please lock him in a cell for
an hour to teach him a lesson."

But, 15 minutes
after he locked me up,

the chief was leaning back
in his chair, fell out,

hit his head on a radiator
and went into a coma.

No one else
knew why I was in there.

So I sat in that cell

until he came out of the coma
and let me go.

How long were
you in there?



Your father didn't come
and get you for 16 months?

Shut up! Just shut up!
My daddy loved me!

He had a lot on his mind,
that's all!

If he had noticed I was missing,

I know
he would have come for me.

He loved me, I tell you!

I know he loved me!
Didn't you, Daddy?

Didn't you love me?

Well, boys,
your father has decided

to check out early again.

Any ideas?

Well, sometimes a court
will declare

a person incompetent
to handle his own affairs.

Then he's sent
to an asylum

and all of his assets are
turned over to his children.

It's a pleasant thought,

but I meant any ideas
about how to get out of here.

Get out of here?
Get out of here?

I'll do that.
I'll get you out of here.

I'm the father.

It's my job to get you
out of here, to keep you safe,

to protect you
against whatever comes along.

[yelling]

COMPUTER:
Intruders detected in basement.

expl*sive device will detonate
in ten minutes

reducing intruders to lifeless
piles of smoldering ash.

Bad news for those intruders,
huh?

We're the intruders, Ajax.

Now, listen, everyone.

When things have gotten tough,

this family's always
pitched in together.

Like when we smuggled those
people out of n*zi Germany

into Switzerland.

[to the tune
of "The Sound of Music"]

* La, la, la-la-la,
la-la-la, la, la-la... *

That wasn't us,

you glob of mucus.

Oh, right.

Well, what about the time
we all pitched in together

to get cable?

MAN:
Hey!

Why, I oughta...

[cheering]

Yeah.

True.
There was that.

And that's just how we're going
to get out of here--

by pitching in together.

BERNICE:
Look!

AJAX:
Let's go for it, Dad.

Bernice, move Grandma-ma
over here.

Ajax, you get on her lap.

Twins, you and Aunt Bernice
steady Ajax,

while your old,
how-could-you-ever-doubt-him

dad climbs up and saves...

COMPUTER:
You have fallen for the old
emergency shutoff lever trick,

thereby reducing the ten minute
countdown to 30 seconds.

[all screaming]

If you're a criminal, you
deserve the bodily atomization.

If not, thank you for purchasing
the Interlopen Fuhrer 2000.

Oh, no! Oh, no!

We're going to be incinerated
in our own cellar!

I can't think
of a worse way

to end my life!

MAN:
This is Casey Cashem

about to introduce
the Countdown to Death.

Okay, there's one worse way.

But, before I do, I'd like
to dedicate a song

to all those families out there
who are trapped together

in basements
that are about to blow up.

Kids, Bernice, this might
really be the end.

Look, I want to say something
I've never said before.

Stinky, pinky, bottle of inky?

What? He has said it before?

Just listen to me, will you?
This isn't easy.

I mean... I know I fell short
in a few categories.

That, as a dad,
I haven't been the greatest...

Provider, head of the household,
role model

or anything that can even
be remotely confused

with a parental figure.

Thank you, Bernice.

But it doesn't mean
that I don't love you kids.

Or you, Grandma-ma,

Or you... Ber...
[coughs]

Ber... Brr.

Oh, come here.

[all sobbing]

Ow! My eye! My eye!

My eye!

My eye!

Oops, guess that won't
help resale, will it?

Look, it's the b*mb!

And now, here's
the final countdown.

Ten...

nine...

eight...

seven, six...

five, four,

Get down, everyone!
three,

[screaming]
two, one...

[door opening]

Hi-dee-ho.

Anyone home?

Thank goodness.
What are you
doing here?

I knew something was wrong

when you didn't
show up for work today, Duckman.

I don't show up for work
a lot of days.

True, but you always
call in

with some lame and pathetically
inadequate excuse

that I pretend to believe
so as not to unbalance

the age-old fragile
employer-employee relationship.

Uncle Cornfed,

you must have disarmed
the system.

And just nanoseconds before
it reduced us to molecules.

Oh. So that was the cord
I tripped over

and unplugged
on the front porch.

Gee, Duckman,
I hate to say it,

but that was
uncharacteristically

heroic trying to
save us like that.

Yeah.

True heroism.

You're cool.

Yeah, well, any dad would
have done the same thing.

What the hell was I thinking?