01x05 - Everybody's Got a Tushy

[bunniefuu]

Laura?

Yeah?

Could... would you
do me a favor?

Could you come in
here for a minute?

I just, I need to talk to
you about something.

About what?

Well, it's of a...
It's complicated,

and it's personal,

and if you can just come in
here for a minute,

that would be great.

Laura?

Yeah?

Complicated and personal?

Yeah.

So if you could come in here...

Hold on, I'm looking through
my job description.

I'm looking for those keywords.

Complicated... personal...

Well, this is not...
Hm.

It's my insecurity, doc.

That's what it is.

I can't handle any
kind of rejection.

Well, that's everybody, Ray.

That's... everybody's
afraid of rejection.

I don't even like to
buy a can of soda anymore,

'cause I get too upset when
it won't accept my dollar.

I don't know if you've
ever been turned down.

By a soda machine.

I had a perfectly
flat dollar the other day.

I checked the corners...
It was ready.

It was soda-ready.

And you know what
really annoys me?

It teases you, the machine.

It'll take it a little,

and you get psyched
at that moment.

Sure.

Y'know, as the dollar's
going in, you're like,

"hey, I've been
approved for soda.

Ha-ha, I got a can
of soda!"

"No soda, loser!"

"Oh, I promised
my friends!"

Hey, Ben, this is
the number I'm gonna be at.

If... y'know, just in the case
of an emergency.

Oh, you're
heading out?
Yeah.

Where are you going?

I'm going to that new
Italian place on the roof.

It's one of these
rotating restaurants.

That sounds fun.

Remember we went to
that place in Cleveland.

That was supposed to rotate,

but it was just the help was
sort of revolving around us,

creating an illusion?

Yeah, that was nauseating.

Yeah.

So you're going out to eat?

Yes, and this is
our first actual date.

That's great.

I'm happy for you.

You really should,
you should go out.

With Denise tonight.

Yeah, she is one
fine-looking hygienist.

Wow.

I'm usually not so optimistic
about these dates,

but we really hit it off.

I'd think you'd be
a little bit nervous.

You haven't been with a
woman in a long time.

Well, it's like riding a bike.

Is it really?

Yep.
Oh.

I just hope I don't get my
pants caught in the chain,

if you know what I'm saying?

You going out, by the way?

You have plans?

No, no, not really.

I'm gonna stay in tonight.

Yeah?

Yeah, I'm gonna hang out.

I got some stuff to do around...

Jeez, Saturday night.

Don't you... isn't there...
What about, um...

Well, I mean, I have plans.

I just... you know, they're not
that complicated.

There's some plans,
though, that I do have, dad.

Like what?

You know, I'm gonna
take a shower,

and I'm gonna clean up,

and I'm gonna, you know,
lie down on my bed.

And just feel clean.

I don't think this
is healthy, Ben.

I think that there's
something missing here.

It's Saturday night...

I'm gonna shave my body bare.

That's what I'm gonna do.

Don't shave yourself again, Ben.

You're gonna chafe.

Dad, I gotta, the hair's dirty.

Hair is dirty.

I'm gonna be nice
and smooth and clean.

I want you to get
counseling, Ben.

Everybody out.

You know, I was looking at.

Our wedding album
again the other day.

So interesting.

Every picture
of my wife is angelic,

almost beatific, you know.

The glow and the gown,
and just this inner glow.

And every sh*t of me,
I'm just...

Loaded, for one thing.

It's just...
And it's so obvious.

It's awful.

You know, you have your
arm around.

One of your pinhead friends,

and the other hand...
There's a big glass in it.

That might as well say
whiskey on the glass.

It's just three
inches of brown liquid.

Every time... every picture...
I mean, you know how it is.

You go to a wedding,

you think you look
like Cary Grant.

Then you see the pictures,
you look like manson in a tux.

You just look awful.

Every picture of me...

My mom was looking at it...

She'd go, "oh, Larry!"

Turn the page...
"Oh, Larry!"

Why do women, by the way...

Why do they insist
on asking advice.

When they're planning a wedding?

Why do they ask us advice?

They know we can't help.

Why?
Yeah.

What is it, a cruel joke?

Why do they say,
"what, do you like.

The flowers that go this
way or that way?"

"Uhh... here's a bracelet."

They know that's what
it's gonna wind up being,

so why do they ask us?

We can't tell.

"You want the plate with
the big gold ring around it?"

You know, they want your
participation.

In every aspect of their lives.

That's what marriage is.

It's sharing...
It's a shared adventure.

We can't even see these things.

I don't think they
understand that.

That when... if they
hold up a flower, a plate,

a crystal glass, we can't
even see anymore.

All we see is the way
the Terminator does,

with that red scratchy screen.

And the gray shapes moving
around on it.

We just go with
the computer printout...

"Trrrrrrt, tell her
you love it."

"Honey, I love it.

"I'll tell you that right now.

I just love it."

What do you mean?

Well, he doesn't have
the social life.

Of a 24-year-old male.

When I was that age...

And I think you'll bear me
out on this, Stanley...

We are carnivorous
at that age for women.

Ugh.

A meat-eater?

Yes.
Uh-huh.

No, it's true.

That's what young men do,

is they want sex,
and they want it bad.

So you don't think he's got,
like, the drive going?

I think that he is... he's
stalled in neutral, you know.

Did he ever have a girlfriend?

Not really a girlfriend.

He had a pen pal.

Hm.

You know, once in a while
he'll rub up against grace,

the cleaning woman,

in a way that makes
both of us uncomfortable.

Hm.

Sometimes I wonder if I have
failed him in some way,

that I haven't filled him
with the information he needs.

To pursue the opposite sex.

Like what?

Like, what they look like?

No, he can spot one in a crowd.

Yeah.

But, you know,
just about courtship.

And about sex and about
dating, and what...

Romance... all the things.

How did you learn, Stanley,
about... about sex?

About sex?
Yeah.

Mostly I gleaned it.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Julie, what about you?

I know it's different
for a woman.

Yeah.

But what about... how did
you learn about it?

Well, I came home
from school one day.

Mm-hmm.

I wanna hear this.

I wanna hear it twice.

My mother had left this
pamphlet on my night table.

Is that true?

Do remember what it was called?

On becoming...

Oh, on becoming a woman.

My sister had that.

And it talks about your cycle.

What about getting that
book for him?

There must be a whole series.

On becoming a woman,
on becoming a man...

I gave him a book
when he was about eight.

Called "everybody's
got a tushy."

But I don't know
if that did the trick.

You know what I mean?

Who wrote that?

That was written by...

Nelson mandela
wrote that in prison.

How did your date go,
by the way?

We had a wonderful dinner,

some very exciting conversation.

We think alike
about a lot of things.

She's a lot younger than you.

She's a lot younger
than me, but still...

Is that comfortable?

That you date somebody
half your age?

It's very comfortable.

You know what I find?

Even though I can't
perform the way

I did when I was younger...

Oh, dad.

Sexually, I mean.
Yeah.

I still am uncomfortable
taking money.

All right, so...

You know, my... another
one of my problems is.

When I meet a woman who's
just an acquaintance,

I never know what
the proper hello is anymore.

Is it a handshake?

Or is it that little cheek kiss?

You know?

I was at a party
the other night,

and I met the woman, and what
you have to do is, like...

You don't wanna
assume a cheek kiss,

so you kind of lean in a little.

You're like, "oh, hi!"

And you just...
Mmm, mmm, mmm.

And you have to be very careful,

'cause if you lean too far,
you're committed then.

You have to go in!

And she turns away,
and you've gotta.

Whisper something to her.

"The potato chips are stale.

Stay away from them."

What city, please?

Yeah, in Santa fe.

I'm trying to look up a number
for an old girlfriend of mine.

Her name's Karen Duris.

Can you spell
the last name, sir?

You know, she probably
won't even remember me.

Maybe this isn't gonna work out.

Could you spell
the last name for me, sir?

The point was is that
the relationship.

Didn't go that well anyway,

and I guess I was sitting here,

and I was a little, like, bored,

and maybe upset a little bit,
'cause I'm lonely.

Could you spell
the last name for me, sir?

Yeah, d-u-r-i-s.

Duris.

I'll check that for you, sir.

There's probably not a chance.

She's probably married now.

You know, there's always
something.

I love coffee.

I'm sorry, sir.

Checking under the spelling...

"D" like dog, "u"
like umbrella, "r" like Robert,

"I" like Iris, "s" like Sam...

There is no listing for
a Karen Duris.

In the city of Santa fe.

Uh, look up this one.

Carmela lavoi.

Lavoi.

Could you spell the last name...

I don't know how that's spelled.

I don't know.

Lavoi.

L-a-v something?

I'll check that for you, sir...

Probably an
o-i, o-i.

She's French.

She used to eat chapstick.

That was the weird thing
about her.

She's very jealous, yeah.

I'm not saying I'm not.

I mean, men get jealous, but...

Women seem to take it
to another level.

I'll never forget... one day
my wife came home from work.

And was mad at me
because there was.

A pretty woman on her bus.

She thought I would like, had
I been on the bus with her.

I wasn't even...
I wasn't there.

"Oh, you son of a...

"You would have loved her,
you bastard!

"We have a baby!

You're a father!"

Well, what is your theory
about women, Larry?

No matter what we do,
no matter what we say,

I have a feeling women
always look at us,

thinking, "idiot."

"Yes, I'll have another
glass of wine, you monkey.

"Maybe it'll help me listen
to your stupid stories.

"God.

Who dressed you?"

My clothes... I mean,
it's sad, really, that...

To women, we're like
big dogs that talk.

That's the beginning and the end.

Of the whole deal right there.

I think that men and women.

Have different perspectives
about each other,

and I think that's healthy.

I think that's interesting.

Women think they know,
by the way,

which always astonishes me.

Women will always say,

"hey, we look at
guys sexually too."

Well, they do, they do.

Women have no idea.

Oh.

They have no clue whatsoever.

It's like the difference
between sh**ting a b*llet.

And throwing it.

If women had any idea,
even for a second,

of how we really looked at them,

they would never
stop slapping us.

Hey, Ben?

Ben?

Over here...
Your father.

Yeah, have fun, dad.

Yeah, listen, I won't be back
until 12:30, maybe even later.

Huh?

Just don't wait up for me,
is all I'm saying.

I probably won't
wait up for you, dad.

Oh, okay.

As long as you don't wait up.

You don't have any... do you
have any plans for tonight?

I won't wait up, thanks.

No, Ben, do you have any plans?

Plans is fine.

Do you have any plans?

No, I have plans.

But, you know, they don't
really involve other people.

I'm gonna be here by myself.

Just some stuff I
gotta do around the house.

Nothing really pressing, though.

Have fun, dad.

...it's okay not to
have any plans.

All right, dad!

I was just wondering.

Yeah, that's great.

I got plans, you big ass.

Whoopsie doodle doo, my friend!

You need a time out, son.

Hi.

How are you?

Hi... Laura.

Hi.

How you doing?
Fine.

Good, good.

Me too.

Everything's well.

Everything is in order.

Mm-hmm.

So how are you doing?

You look well.

You're sitting down.
Yeah.

You know, I came by
to tell my dad I got a...

I got a new idea for a job.

Great.

You know how I like
to work at home.

I don't like to
think about that.

Today I was driving behind
this truck...

I thought this was amusing...

It had one of those "how's
my driving?" Stickers,

and it said, "how's my driving?"

"If you have any complaints
or compliments,

call the company."

Which... complaints, I can
understand, but compliments?

Who does that?

Whose life is that boring?

I thought I had a sad life.

Tell me, who's on
the phone going,

"yeah, listen,
I saw truck number 42.

"He backed into that
loading dock...

"He's a genius, that man.

"He did a u-turn,
and I wept.

Can I get on
the mailing list for him?"

There's a new technique in
farming called hydroponic.

You know, with technology
and stuff,

things are different now.

You don't work
with soil anymore.

It's all done in tubes.

Tubes?
Tubes, yeah.

Yeah, that suits you.

Okay.

Yeah, so you got a tube,
and then you put water in it,

and you grow some lettuce
out of it,

and then you sell it at the...

Down at the open market.

If there is one.

I gotta go check on that.

It is my mother's... partly my
mother's fault, actually.

She's quite a neurotic woman.

Mm-hmm.

She's the Italian...
The typical Italian.

Plastic furniture
you can't sit on.

And towels you can never touch.

And the China no one's
ever gonna use.

Everything in my mother's house.

Was for a special occasion
that hasn't happened yet.

She's waiting.

My mother thinks the pope.

Might show up
for dinner one night.

Or chachi.

Any prominent Italian.

Mmm.

It's a big selling point,

because the lettuce is
shaped like creatures,

and it's cute!

Here, let me leave you
with my business cards.

I made 50 of them.

Here, you can have 40.

And, you know,
pass those around,

'cause it's... there's...

What it says... y'know,
Ben Katz, hydroponic farming.

Because it's fun.

I just made my first
huge married mistake,

and I'd like to tell
you about it.

Yeah?

Every day, last year...

Every single day from
Thanksgiving.

To new year's day,

what with all the office
parties and holiday meals,

every single day, my wife
says to me,

"oh, I'm getting so fat!"

Now, I'm not that stupid.

Even I know I just walked
into a minefield.

If I don't have to,
I'm not going in.

I'm gonna try and go around it.

So what I did say was what
husbands have been saying.

Since Adam and Eve:

"Honey, you're as beautiful as
you were the day I met you."

You know what happens when
the cops interrogate a guy.

For 30 hours, but he
won't confess?

The cops keep saying,

"let's just go over it
one more time."

And eventually the guy'll slip.

"Okay, I told you... I went to
the movie."

"I thought you
said the ball game!"

"Uh, it was a movie about
a ball game!"

Bang... they got him.

Well, that's
what happened to me.

One new year's day,
we're flying home,

and I had a few drinks,

and she said, "let's just go
over it one more time."

Oh, I'm getting so fat."

And I said,
"oh, don't worry about it.

We'll both lose weight
in the new year."

And she said, "you have
the right to remain silent."

Yeah?

I would like to move from
the system you've been using.

To a computerized system,

and it would mean training you.

On the use of the computer
and the software,

because the system
that you developed.

For filing our patients
doesn't seem to work.

It's just not that simple.

I appreciate
the work you've done,

but not everybody is
either "nutty as,".

"Nuttier than,."

Or "not as nutty as
a fruitcake."

So we need to...

It's been working fine for me.

I'm the one that
has to pull the files.

I know, but what's
happening now is that.

The insurance people are
turning down...

Are you getting
ready to replace me?

Uh... no, no.

Oh, so anyway, dad, I got a
date lined up Wednesday night.

Well, that's good news, Ben.

You remember Penelope spiro?

Yes.

Yeah, she was the one
who had the bike accident.

Oh, they still...

I don't think they determined
that was an accident.

Penelope was in
the fourth grade with you.

Yeah, yeah.

When was the last time
you saw her?

The fourth grade,
the fourth grade.

Isn't that what I said?

Yeah, I'm saying
that's the last...

Oh, that was the last
time you saw her.

Right, right.

Well, you should expect
some changes, my friend.

Yeah, well, I'm looking forward.

To seeing what happened.

Hey, that's great.

Yeah, yeah.

That makes me feel good.

I was... I have to confess,
I've been a little concerned.

About your social life, but...

Where are you guys going?

You know, we'll probably
take a bike ride.

Oh, dad, I'm kidding.

We won't do that, of course not.

We will, uh, you know,
go out maybe to.

The movies or something.

Can I say two words to you?

Uh, yeah.

Safe sex.
Safe sex, yeah.

Safe sex is no joke, my friend.

It's real.
Yes, yes.

One time... you could
get pregnant.

Ben...
Yeah?

If I've been acting a
little weird, I apologize.

I just was overwhelmed by this
wave of guilt and remorse.

That maybe in some way I
had left a void in your life.

You know, that I... you know,

I feel like ever since
your mother left,

that I've been overcompensating,

you know, trying to be both
father and son to you.

No, that's not right.

Trying to be both...
Father and mother.

Father and mother to you, right.

Well, I think, you know,
it works both ways.

In a way, I've tried to
be wife and son to you.

And, uh, that's confusing.

How about a truce, you know?

How about I'm your father...

Let's just pick a role.

I'll be wife, you be son.

You always get to be the wife.

All right, well,
let's try it for a week,

and then we'll switch it up.

Yeah, she would
overfeed everyone.

I used to tell my friends
when they came over...

"Look, when you're
done with the meal,."

"My mother's gonna
try to give you more."

"All right, be careful,
be very careful."

"Don't tell her
you want a little more,"

"'cause she'll give you a lot."

"Tell her you're
not even hungry."

"Boof... you'll get
a little bit more."

'And if you don't
want any more, sh**t her.

"sh**t the woman.

Don't wait."

"None for me."

"Oh, you take
a little!"

"I don't think
so, Mrs. Romano.

"Put it back, put it back
in the bowl.

"Now hand the spoon
to Ray, nice and easy!

Get your hand... she's got a
cannoli in her apron!"

sh**t her.

sh**t her and land one.

Don't graze her.

That'll piss her off.

She'll take a b*llet
and keep coming.

"Oh, I warmed it up!"

And she won't go down.

She'll flip it to your aunt.

There's always a fat aunt
backing her up somewhere.

"Go get him,
he's a runner!"

♪
like planet of the
fat aunts in my house.

Whoops, you know
what that means.

It means our
time is just about up.

Dr. Katz's office.

Hey, Laura, what's going on?

Please hold.

Hey, Laura, could you pick up
the phone, please?

Or the intercom?

Hello?

Dr. Katz's office.

Hey, Laura, this is crazy.

I can't... the intercom
is dead...

Please hold.

Please do not...

Dr. Katz?

Yes?

Dr. Katz?

Look, what's going on here?

'Cause I can't get to
you on the intercom.

Can you try...

Hold on, let me check it out.

Laura, can you hear me?

Can you hear me, Laura?