05x46 - Old Man

[bunniefuu]

Dad?

Dad, wake up.

Dad, it's 9:15.

Gimme another 10 minutes,

and then really get on my case.

You gotta get up and go to work

you've got a family to support.

You want me to help you up?

You know what would help?

If you could get
the coffee going.

Are you ill, dad?

I just don't feel like moving.

You mind if
I feel your forehead?

Do I feel feverish?

Actually, you feel cold.

Aww, dad, you d*ed last night.

Ben, thank you so much,

this is a great cup of coffee.

It's yesterday's.

It was in the pot.

I don't want you to start
making a habit of this.

You think I'm depending too
heavily on the coffee?

No, not the coffee.

Oh, sleeping late.

Yeah, this could be

the start of
something really bad.

Maybe it's the start of me
enjoying my life a little.

I hate to put a
fire under your fat ass

but, get up and go to work

and make money
and take care of me.

Maybe the truth is
I am slowing down

and you're gonna have
to pick up the slack.

If I'm gonna have to start

being responsible for you...

I'm gonna have to
get you married off.

Ben, who's gonna
marry me, though?

Hmmm...

I'm fishing for
compliments here!

Who's gonna marry a guy like me?

How 'bout the next person

that rings the doorbell?

I like that game!

Remember when we used to play

"The next person who
gets off the elevator

is gonna be your true love"?

Right.

You still in touch with him?

People in the midwest
are definitely friendly

where I'm from, you'd
wave to a stranger.

And I've heard that the further
you get from a big city

the nicer people are.

I'd like to walk
through North Dakota.

'Cause I imagine I'd run
into one guy who'd be like,

"Helloooo...

How'd you like to
make out with my daughter?"

"Uhhh, sure!"

"You can kiss my daughter
and I'll wave to you."

Maybe growing up in Indiana

wasn't the most
dynamic place but...

I wrote a lot of poetry...

Here's one that I wrote...

"Help, help! Get me
the hell out of here!"

I like that.

Thank you.

What does your dad do?

My dad originally
wanted to become a priest.

But I knew he didn't
have the temperament for it...

"In the name of the father

son-of-a-bitch,
dammit, pray."

He's retired now.

Yeah.

That's my dad's cough too.

He get's it from smoking
my dad smokes constantly.

He refuses to go anywhere
where he can't smoke.

He could be at
the gates of heaven

they'd be like,
"Sorry, Mr. Gaffigan.

No smoking in heaven."

And he'd be like, "Jim, tell your
mother I'll be in purgatory."

Damn, son-of-a...

So this is just a guy

who's a fixture
in your neighborhood

and you're not sure
if he's "all there"?

I was talking to him recently

and halfway through
the conversation

I realized he was
drinking a cup of gravy.

I like gravy, but I've never
considered it a beverage.

If you're drinking gravy

you're probably not
a big health nut.

Wouldn't you love to be at the
doctor's office with this guy?

"Hey, how ya' doin',
Mr. Jones?

I got your cholesterol here,

you're aware your blood's
not moving, right?

This is kind
of a weird question...

you haven't been
drinking gravy, have you?"

Mr. Gottfried,
you're 25 minutes late.



This has never
happened to me before!

Oh, my god I'm pregnant!

Y'know, Jesus had a hard life.

Because no matter what he did

he always had to be
compared to his father.

It's like being
Frank Sinatra Jr.

Where ever Jesus would walk

everybody would go,

"Hi, Jesus,
so how's your father?

Your father's
doing okay? That's nice."

And he'd go,

"But I want to save
all of your souls"

and they'd go,
"Yeah, that's very cute.

So your father's doing good?

Your father's all right, then?

You send our best
to your father."

You know, mother Teresa...
She worked very hard

but she can't
be declared a Saint.

Because she didn't
actually work a miracle.

She saved starving children

she goes and watches by bedsides

but she can't become a Saint

unless she works
an actual miracle.

So it's kinda pathetic
that in her last year

she was desperate for a miracle

and instead of helping
starving children

she would go,

"Hey, what's that
behind your ear?

Oh look, it's a quarter!

Here, let me take
this starving child

and saw him in half.

Here's my
lovely assistant, Denise

to show that there's
no trick to this box

it's a solid box
with solid chains on it.

Hey, what card am I holding?

Is it
the ace of spades?"

Hello, I'm Robert Klein...
I'm here to see Dr. Katz.

Would you have a seat please?

Could you...

Could you please, no!

Stop it, please?

Woo-hoo!
Sorry, Laura.

It's just that I have to
get ready for the doc

and I have enough on my mind.

♫ Laura, Laura... ♫

Could you just
leave me out of...

I just... It's so commercial,
the world, Dr. Katz.

Do people
call you Dr. Katz?

Absolutely...

But if you're more
comfortable calling me...

No, Dr. Katz
is good.

George Washington
was a brave man

and he risked a lot and...

And I know that
he'd be proud to know

that we celebrate his
birthday every year

with used car dealers.

"I'm Bill
Duncan from Bill Duncan Dodge

and I've got a George
Washington's birthday sale

that'll knock your socks off,
right, George?"

"That's right, Bill" -
and this poor actor Schmagegie

getting 90 bucks for the rubber
hatchet and the bad wig -

that's right, Bill,

I'm chopping down the prices
on these beauties

it's a veritable
cherry tree of savings."

Laura? Ben.

Yeah?

Ben Katz.

Yep, the younger Katz.

The annoying Katz.

Right... right.

What do you want?

You must've noticed
how my father's lost

that bounce in his step.

I didn't know that he had one.

He did, but it's gone.

Oh...

Now he just sorta meanders

y'know wanders...

Very sad.

I think if he retires
I'll get him a boat.

A boat?

Well, he'll get himself a boat.

But I'll name it.

I love naming boats.

I do it in my spare time.

"Spare time"
is a good boat name.

Clever.

You know what's also
a good boat name?

"Kickin' back".

I have some trouble sleeping

I turn on the television

the only thing that can help me

is watching "QVC".

Mmm-hmm.

Very lonely people
calling at night

"Hello, my daughter collects
China facsimiles

of northeastern cities.

She needs
Youngstown, Ohio."

I never heard of
the things that they sell

this woman has
a big diamond-looking thing

but she didn't
say it was a diamond

she said it was this
"Beautiful diamonique ring

surrounded by two
gorgeous rubyrosas

and there are three spectacular
heart-shaped saphirettos!

Yes, beautiful saphirettos
with the rubyrosa

and the diamonique!"

"The communist manifesto"

is not a good boat name.

It's not even a boat name.

It's the name of a book.

Umm-hmm!

Yeah, I read.

You know another
bad name for a boat?

"This piece of sh♪t gonna sink."

Well...

You know what?

Forget the boat,
it's too difficult.

"Waterlogged" is pretty good.

But yeah, forget the boat.

I was doin' a lot of thinkin'
while your were gone...

Um-hmm.

and you're on your way out.

What are we gonna do about it?

What about having a woman nurse

come in once a week
and bathe us?

I think you're overreacting
to my energy level.

I was thinking bout what kind
of old man you're gonna be.

I think I'll be the kind

who can kick your ass
until the day I die.

That's the kind of
old man I'm gonna be.

You certainly won't be

the distinguished
gray type of guy.

No, I don't think
that's in the cards.

I was thinking you're gonna be

an old guy who just walks around

bumps into things.

Until you sit him down.

That type of guy.

I love those guys.

Or maybe you're the kind who

just smiles all the time

and has food on his chin.

You can't take your eyes off it.

At least I don't have
an enlarged prostate

like every other guy my age.

Is that a common affliction?

Yes!

It's the acne
of the middle-aged.

The enlarged prostate?

Yeah.

What does that do to you?

It puts pressure on your bladder

so you have to pee a lot?

And it puts pressure on
your other organs to compete.

You mean they all
wanna be bigger too?

Yeah, and another thing
that I'm grateful for...

I never have had to used
a deodorant my entire life.

Is that so?

Yeah, I never did,
my dad never did

we just don't sweat in that way

that has an odor.

You do have an odor.

Maybe you didn't realize it.

No, see I think...

Oh lord!

Hello, Laura, good to be here.

I like wood...
Wood.

Good.

Ummm...

Well, I think a lot of this

is all about body image

and how you see yourself.

I am bald blind and pale.

I'm like a large recessive gene.

It wouldn't surprise me if I
woke up tomorrow with a tail.

"Have you seen
the comic with the tail?

He's delightful."

Hmmm...

People always know somebody
that's looks like me, like

"Hey, I know somebody
who looks like you."

I never know what to say...
"Tell 'em hi."

Sure.

The only advantage
to wearing glasses is

you can do that
dramatic removal.

"My god!"

People aways wanna
try my glasses on, like

"Let me try on
your glasses."

That's rude, I don't go up
to people with hairpieces

"Hey, let me
try on your wig!"

"Let me sit
in your wheelchair."

"Oh my god!"

"You are
so crippled!"

Well, the media is drawn
to any kind of celebrity.

We've even gotten to the point

where we're
interviewing the models.

Dr. Katz, what do we
expect to learn from a model?

"I put lipstick
on my lips."

"Ohhh, is there
anything else?"

"I walk that way
when they tell me."

"We've got so much
to learn from you."

You ever see one of
these interviews?

"You're very beautiful...
how'd you do that?"

"My name's Kathy."

"Ok, maybe you didn't
understand the question."

"You're going out with
a guy in a band, right?"

"Kathy."

"I go to the bathroom
by myself."

Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried
to see Dr. Katz.

Could you have a seat, please?

Yeah, I...
Gilbert gottfried.

I heard you!

Hey, do you like impressions?

No.

Good, good, good...
Here, watch this.

Jackie Gleason in "Cassablanca".

You're gettin' on that plane
with Vic Laslo?

Oh, you're gettin' on
that plane alright...

'Cause I know, that you know,
that I know

that you're gettin'
on that plane!

One time, h*tler
was making a big speech.

And when he got off stage
Napoleon came up to him and said

"Hey, you know that bit you do
about taking over the world?

And he goes,
"Yeah?"

"Well that's
my bit!"

"What do you mean it's your bit?

I wrote
that bit."

"No, that whole thing...
I will be a leader

I will take over
the whole world...

I was doin' that
years ago."

"Don't tell me, I don't
have to take your stuff.

I write my own stuff.

I don't need
your material."

And then they finally
worked something out...

"If we're ever working
in the same town

we won't both do
the "taking over the world" bit."

Gilbert, I'm glad you're
sharing this with me

but I feel like
we're just postponing

the very thing that you
wanna talk to me about.

Okay.

There's nothing
that you can't say

nothing will leave this room.

It's called "patient
confidentiality".

But what if I say something
particularly interesting?

See, this is what bothers me.

Nothing I say can
leave this room.

But what if I say something
that's really interesting

that's really like
a great quote?

And then I'll know it
just dies in this room.

Well if it's something
really great...

Do you have any
recurring dreams?

Unfortunately, this is something
I wanted to talk to you about.

My dreams have no symbolism.

Everyone else has symbolism
in their dreams.

Everyone else has these dreams

where there's a train conductor
but he comes out of a cake,

and the cake is really this
girl I used to go out with,

but this girl
is actually my father...

Me, I have these dreams where
I'm walkin' down the street

and it's just a street.

Freud said that it's...

He said this to you, personally?

I didn't think the two
of you knew each other.

He said it's
the dreamer...

But why was he speaking
like you speak?

Him being Freud, wouldn't he
speak with a German accent?

Well, this is years ago.

Oh, so he didn't have the
German accent back then.

Freud said that it's the dreamer

not the dream.

Did you take him aside and say,

"What the hell are
you talkin' about?"

Ok, let's try something else.

Let's try the
word association thing.

I'll say a word, and you say

whatever pops into your head.

Butterfly!

You don't quite get it, I'm...

Grasshopper!

Ok, let's...

Fountain pen!

See, you're way ahead of me...

Shower curtain!

I think you win this round.

Yarmulka!

Au bon, bon.

Ahhh... qu'e se?

Stan, let me
ask you something...

You ever think about retiring?

Calling it quits just...

Sure, I think about that.

Kicking back and
opening a cold brew...

This is a new side of Katz.

What the hell
is he talking about?

I'll tell you why I'm asking

it's because I feel like
physically I'm slowing down.

And Ben thinks the
handwriting is on the wall.

What do the handwriting
on the wall say?

He thinks that I should start

phasing out of my work life

and into my retirement life.

Why do you listen to him?

I dunno, because he's home?

I thought about how
I would like to die.

Because I do think about my
own mortality quite a bit.

Although there is a history
of longevity in our family.

My maternal grandfather
lived to be 103.

Every day, he ate
an entire raw onion

and he smoked a cigar.



And you know what
his dying words were?

What?

Nobody knows, they
couldn't get near the guy.

But still, I worry about death.

Because it's
waiting there, patiently.

For all of us.

So you're saying I'm gonna die?

Well when you put it like that

it sounds bleak.

No, dad, we're never gonna die.

That's for other people.

We're the Katzs,
we live forever.

Well, there's been a lot of
death in the family, lately

but... I don't
think that reflects.

Let's talk about something
a little less morbid.

Yeah.

How's that tumor?

What's all this stuff here, Ben?

I got a surprise for you...

I guess I shoulda wrapped it.

Well, you know
what gives it away

is the easel and the paints.

So you knew what it was?

Immediately, I mean
I'm still surprised

to see it in my home...

Then that works out...

In a small way.

So why the paints?

This is what I thought, dad.

I decided to get you a hobby

that's gonna bring you
through your old age.

You know, it's very sweet,
the way you're thinking, Ben.

But it's a little misguided

because you can't impose
a hobby on somebody

it has to come from them.

Well, sometimes...

I have no desire
to paint anything.

Well now you don't
but if you started...

I would like to put some tape
over your mouth, though.

That's art!

If you display it.

I don't have the hand/eye
coordination for painting.

You should give it a try.

And also, I'm color blind.

I only bought red.

Is that red?

Dad!

Yes.

You're up early!

I thought things were changing?

Time waits for no man.

Umm... what does
that mean?

It means I like to
seize the bull by the horns.

It's startin' to
sound like the old you!

I'm starting to
feel like the old me.

Dad! You
painted something.

Yes.

Last night.

Yes.

Wow!

What do you think?

I uhh...
I uhhh...

It's a work in progress.

I'm not done yet.

Yeah, you've got ah...

I gotta sign it.

Doctor, this guy comes up to me

and says, "Hey, man,
you wanna buy a watch?"

No I don't, especially
at a urinal.

This is my time
with myself."

You know what I mean?

Maybe unconsciously
I'll aim at a wad of paper

or a cigarette butt, try to
separate it from the filter.

Pretend it's a
n*zi installation.

Like a command decision...

"I'm afraid the photos from
Bitburg were bad, sir.

We'll have to go back
and hit it again."

Right... so is
that your new watch?

There are a number of things
I like about being Jewish

one is, we bury quickly.

Right.

A Jew dies, zoom!
Into the ground immediately.

A Jew dies at noon,

"Call the relatives in Phoenix

the funeral's at 2:00."

Gentiles they have
a wake - 4 days, 5 days



It's very uncomfortable
for the family.

Jews bury so quickly

that old Jewish people
are afraid to take a nap.

Lest they be mistaken for dead.

Who was the guy that was able

to sell "Hogan's heroes"
to a network?

I mean, who was able
to walk into a network and go,

"Ok, here's the idea...
a group of soldiers

held in a n*zi prison camp.

It's a comedy!"

"Hmm, that's interesting,
tell me more."

"Ok, these soldiers are imprisoned
by the Nazis behind barbed wire

and if they try to escape
they'll be sh*t."

"I love it,
it's a laugh riot!"

Hmm...

Excuse me for
being too pushy but

can you change your
facial expression?

Oh.

Why are you just sitting there
with one facial expression?

Please change
your facial expression!

Smile, frown you know
themusic means-do something!

Our time is up...

Just change your
facial expression!

I want you to change your...

I have this
fantasy when I retire

that you and I are gonna
get a mobile home.

Um-hmm.

And just see this
great country of ours.

Like an RV.

Yeah, but with
a toilet, with a shower.

Oh no, forget that!

We do it right.

We do it the old way.

What's that, stagecoach?

Bareback.

I'm telling you, we could
take Mexico, again.