07x03 - A Strudel and a Hot American Boy Toy

[bunniefuu]

- _
- MARY: Absolutely not.

But we're in Europe, the birthplace
of the modern rail system.

It is also the birthplace
of the guillotine.

You're not playing with that, either.

But I'm a college senior
and I know more about trains

- than Richard Trevithick.
- Who?

He built the first working
steam locomotive.

I don't care.

You are not gallivanting around
Europe on a train by yourself.

German children ride trains
by themselves all the time.

When you become a
German child, we'll talk.

[GROWLS]

[SIGHS]

Richard Trevithick?

How does he know these things?

Oh, George wrote me a letter.

GEORGE: Dear Mary,

hope you and Sheldon are
having a great time in Germany.

[SIGHS] So great.

Got the phone bill the other day.

- It was a whopper.
- Oh.

I figured maybe, instead of calling,

we should try the good ol' U.S. mail.

Everything here is fine.

A little crowded since the tornado,

but it's bringing us together.

[POUNDING]

Missy, I got business to tend to.

MISSY: I'll be out in a second.

Is she almost done? I got to shower.

There's a line or a hose out back.

Take your pick.

[SIGHS]

Count of three!

And our granddaughter is
getting more fun every day.

Ah-boo.

[CRYING]

What is wrong with you?

It was just peek-a-boo.

You'll be happy to know your
daughter made a new friend.

Taylor.

And they've been hanging out a ton.

Where're you going all dressed up?

I'm not dressed up, and I'm
going to the mall with Taylor.

When do I get to meet this girl?

Soon. Gotta go.

[SIGHS]

Okay, let's do this.

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪

Ooh, she wrote back.

Saving money already.

MARY: Dear George,

it was really nice to get your letter.

It reminds me of when
you were in Vietnam,

except this time, I'm the
one in a foreign country

and the enemy is Sheldon.

[CHUCKLES]

The other day, he wanted to
go riding around Germany,

by himself, on a train.

But I put a stop to that.

Good.

[SPEAKING GERMAN] _

Shh.

GEORGE: Your mom's been
going through a rough patch

since she lost the house,
but she's a strong woman.

You'd be proud of how
well she's dealing with it.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Taking one of your beers.
What are you doing?

Writing Mary a letter.

Too cheap for a phone call?

You know how much those things cost?

t*nk of gas to say, "I miss you."

Besides, this is nice,
writing back and forth,

kind of like when I was in the Army.

Oh, she writing you back, too, huh?

- Mm-hmm.
- Huh.

What?

My house blows away,

I don't even get a damn postcard.

Well, you should write her
first. That's what I did.

Well, I'm not her cheapskate husband.

Heads up,

I might k*ll your mother
before you get back.

Oh, 7:19 to Frankfurt.

Birthplace of the frankfurter.

- That's a must-see.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Sheldon, can I get you anything?
- No.

- You sure? Cup of tea?
- I'm fine.

- Hot chocolate?
- Why are you badgering me?

Whoa, what brought that on?

Nothing. Everything's fine.
I just have to study.

[SIGHS] Is this about the train?

What? No. What train?

Are you still mad that I
won't let you go alone?

Yes.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Someday, when you're a
parent, you'll understand.

I'm sure I will.

Okay, then.

SHELDON: Dear Missy, I'm sure
you're surprised I'm writing to you,

but I have a secret and
I have to tell someone

or my head will explode.

Ooh.

The other day, against Mother's orders,

I rode a train by myself.

[SCOFFS] What a loser.

♪ Because you're mine ♪

♪ I walk the line ♪

♪ Because you're mine ♪

♪ I walk the line... ♪

MEEMAW: George tells me you and Sheldon

are having a good time in Germany.

Things here are finally settling down.

I moved in with Dale,
which has been great.

He's been so supportive and patient...

Could you play another song?

I'm working on this song.

My last nerve is what you're working on.

Well, you got to practice
if you want to get good.

For what? You're 74.

You gonna play that song in hell?

Look, this is my house,

and in my house, I play the guitar.

I thought you said your
house was my house.

And in your house, there's
a guy who plays the guitar,

and he's getting pretty doggone good.

[PLAYS MUFFLED NOTES]

[GROANS] Oh.

Guide's here.

Mmm.

Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett.

What does she see in him?

Women love musicians.

Man, I got to learn to play guitar.

Why?

So your love for me will deepen?

Nice save, Romeo.

Oh, look. Another letter from Mom.

Aw. I think it's so romantic,
you two writing to each other.

It's just 'cause he's a cheapskate.

It can be both.

Well, I think it's sweet.

Well, I can write you
a letter if you want.

- Please don't.
- Why not?

'Cause your spelling makes me sad.

GEORGE JR.: I can use small words.

MARY: Dear George, I really
loved your last letter.

Who would have thought that I
would have a love affair in Germany

and that it would be with you.

I miss you all so much,

but it sounds like
everyone is doing great.

By the way, Missy's new friend Taylor,

is that a boy or a girl?

Missy!

GEORGE: I've included some
Polaroids of your granddaughter

and your hot American boy toy.

Don't feel bad for being
confused about Missy's friend.

He is a boy, but don't worry,

I'm on top of it.

Taylor's a boy?

Yes.

So when you went to the movies
with him, he was a boy?

Mm-hmm.

And when you went swimming at his house,

he was a boy with his shirt off?

I never said he was a girl.

No, I said he was a girl

and you didn't correct me.

I don't remember who said what.

Yes, you do. And that is the
last you're seeing of Taylor.

Dad, it's not what you think.

He doesn't like me like that.

He's a 13-year-old boy.

He likes all girls like that.

He's 15, and he doesn't.

Fifteen?

And he really doesn't.

The hell does that mean?

Oh.

Yeah.

So, he's like a... gal pal?

Bingo.

Okay.

So, can I go to his house
and watch a movie?

No other boys'll be there?

Just him and me.

All right, then.

Thanks, Daddy.

GEORGE: It's a different world, Mare.

I'm proud of Missy for
keeping an open mind,

and, sh**t, I'm proud of myself.

By the way, I told my dad you're gay.

Okay.

DALE: Hey.

Have you seen my guitar?

No. Why?

I could've sworn I
left it in the bedroom

and now I can't find it anywhere.

That's weird.

Did you hide it?

I can't believe you would
accuse me of such a thing.

- Did you?
- Did I what?

Hide my guitar.

♪ Because you're mine ♪

♪ I lost my mind. ♪

Well, give it back.

Only under certain conditions.

That guitar has been here
way longer than you have.

You want to see it again?

What conditions?

First of all, if I'm out of the house,

you can play it all day long.

That's reasonable.

I'm a reasonable lady. Number two:

You cannot play the same song

for more than five minutes.

No, no, no, no.

That's not how practice works.

Repetition is the key to mastery.

- Ten minutes.
- Deal.

It's in the closet
behind the rain coats.

Well, thank you.

[DALE BEGINS PLAYING]

♪ Because you're mine ♪

Hold on, let me get my egg timer.

♪ Because you're mine. ♪

- Auf wiedersehen.
- Where you going?

Library.

- [WHISPERS]: In Frankfurt.
- Have fun.

ADULT SHELDON: As much as I hated lying,

I loved trains just a little bit more.

GEORGE JR.: Dear Mandy, there are
so many things I love about you,

it's hard to know where to start.

But I will.

Sure, I could go on and
on about your beautiful...

B-E...

Where does the dang "U" go?

... pretty... boobs.

But what's more important

is what's underneath: Your heart.

Oh, yeah. That's good.

Can I cash out?

Oh. Sure.

Hey, question...

if you sneak into the bathroom
to watch a woman shower,

is that romantic or creepy?

- Romantic.
- That's what I thought.

And when you're alone in the shower...

- Ticket?
- Oh.

_

_

Mm-hmm.

_

_

_

_

Ja.

_

[SNORING]

[SNORING STOPS]

[SNORING]

No.

What... What the hell?

- What?
- What are you doing?

Wh...

I'm just putting nose spray
in 'cause you're snoring.

Well, that's no reason to stick
something up my nose.

I'm sorry.

I mean, if anybody snores, it's you.

I mean, just look at that honker.

That's not very nice.

What's not nice is
you violating my nose.

It's not gonna happen again.

Hey, but listen, now that you're up,

why don't we just spritz
the other nostril...

Don't you dare!

Okay, okay.

And for your information,
you fart all night long.

It's 'cause of your cooking.

Quit feeding me fajitas.

SHELDON: Dear Missy, I'm
currently on my fifth train ride

exploring Germany and the nations

of the former Austro-Hungarian Empire.

It's often referred
to as a dual monarchy

because the Hapsburg ruler

was both the emperor of Austria

and the king of Hungary.

Speaking of hungry... strudel.

♪ ♪

- [WHISTLE BLOWS, ENGINE HISSES]
- [DOOR CLOSES]

Wait! Wait!

Warten! Warten!

That's German for "wait"!

ADULT SHELDON: As you can
see, they did not warten.

[SPEAKING GERMAN] _

_

_

Sheldon Cooper.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

OPERATOR [GERMAN ACCENT]: I have
a collect call from Sheldon Cooper.

Do you accept the charges?

Sorry, my dad said it's
too expensive and...

SHELDON: Missy, please,
it's an emergency!

Fine. I accept.

OPERATOR: Go ahead.

What?

I'm stranded in a train station
in Weinheim, Germany,

and I can't call Mom

- because I lied about...
- Sorry.

- I'm getting another call.
- SHELDON: Wait, don't...

Hello?

Oh, hi, Taylor.

Nothing. What're you up to?

Missy!

Missy?

Missy...

GEORGE JR.: ... and not just 'cause
you're naked in the shower...

'cause you're naked and all sudsy.

It's like watching MTV,
but in the bathroom.

Well, I hope that didn't sound creepy,

but you're so pretty I
can't stop looking at you,

even with clothes on covered
with CeeCee's spit-up.

Oh, you're reading my letter.

I'll come back.

Oh, now you want to give me privacy?

So, it was creepy, huh?

It was.

Where you going?

Well, I'm gonna go take a shower.

Maybe I'll leave the door unlocked.

Well, all right.

_

It's okay, young man, we speak English.

But not as well as my
German, so stay with me.

_

_

_

_

[SIGHS]

_

_

_

_

_

_

_

♪ I'm walking, yes, indeed ♪

♪ And I'm talking about you and me ♪

♪ I'm hoping that you come back to me ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm lonely as I can be. ♪

[SHOWER RUNNING]

- MANDY: [GASPS] Oh, God!
- GEORGE JR.: Dad, get out!

MANDY: Why didn't you lock the door?

GEORGE JR.: I didn't
want to miss anything.

MARY: ... I've been sitting
here staring at your picture,

thinking about all the
years we've been together

and how I may have taken you
for granted the last few.

I do appreciate you, I do love you,

and I'm sorry I don't say it enough...

or say it at all.

So... rest up because when I get back,

I'm gonna show you how mu...

[PHONE RINGING]

- Hello?
- Mom, it's me.

I know I'm not supposed to call,

but Sheldon called and
said he's in trouble.

Sheldon's at the library.

No, he's not. He's stuck at a train
station somewhere in Germany.

When did he call?

- I don't know. Two, three hours ago...
- What?!

You know, this is expensive,
I should go.

Oh.

I'm gonna k*ll him.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna go sleep in the other room

so we don't bug each other.

And leave me here all alone?

I thought you'd be happy.

Well, my nose might be happy,

but the rest of me won't be.

Aw.

Unless you're leaving
because my snoring is so bad.

Alleged snoring.

Alleged snoring?

I'm going half deaf in this ear

from your alleged snoring.

Well, there must be a way to compromise.

Compromise? There's no compromise.

You won't let me spritz
your nasal passages.

Even if I did, that's not gonna stop

the tear gas coming out of your pants.

Onions in, onions out...

We talked about this, you know.

["I'M WALKIN'" BY FATS DOMINO PLAYING]

[DOG BARKS NEARBY]

Oh, dear.

[GROWLING]

[GRUNTS]

Uh, hello? Police?

Sprechen English?

Good, good. Um...

My little boy is lost
at a train station.

No, I don't know which one...

Um, he's, uh, five foot ten...

Well, he's little to me!

Never mind.

What happened to you?

Tough day.

At the library?

Yes.

Where's your other shoe?

When I was leaving... the library,

a wild dog att*cked me.

Oh, sweetie, no.

I fought him off, but at
the price of a loafer.

Where's your backpack?

I guess he got that, too.

Well... that all makes sense, Sheldon,

if that's what really happened.

It is.

Okay, then.

Why don't you go lie down?

I will. I'm tired from all
the things that happened...

- At the library.
- At the library.

MARY: Instead of punishing him,

I'm letting him think
he got away with it.

The guilt is eating him alive.

I wish you were here
to enjoy it with me.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Is it okay if Taylor and I hang out
in my room and listen to music?

Sure.

Just keep the door closed
so I don't have to hear it.

You got it.

Probably gonna listen to show tunes.

[SNORING]

["THE BLUE DANUBE" BY
JOHANN STRAUSS II PLAYING]

[FARTING]

[FARTING AND SNORING CONTINUE]