06x66 - Wisdom Teeth

[bunniefuu]

Will you take a look at it, dad,

just for a second
so... see where I'm at?

Aahhhhhh...

Aahhhhh.

See, I don't see any
change really, I think...

Well, you're lookin' at...

Let me clear the cereal
outta there.

Oh, okay.

It does hurt, though.

Eventually, it's a good idea
to remove your wisdom teeth,

but when they're impacted
it becomes a medical emergency.

Mmmm.

They're just like time bombs
in your mouth.

Hey, that sounds delicious!

Ha ha ha, dad,
that's a good line!

You should give that
to Dr. Zilber.

I don't write for other doctors.

I picture him saying
stuff like that.

He is a... an alarmist.

Yeah, well, their whole
business, unlike my business,

thrives on a certain
sense of urgency.

The first thing you learn
in dental school

is the expression, "Oh, my god".

Yeah, he says that a lot.

Even when I open my mouth and
he touches the first tooth

he just goes, "Hmm-mmm".

That's right.

Oh, dad, I'm terrified.

I mean, what kind of
primitive procedure is this?

They cut into your...

Why don't they just
leave it in there?

It will get better.

I'm just saying, the body
takes care of itself.

Plus Zilber is in no position

to take care of
my body right now.

Yeah.

I'm not quite sure he's in
the kind of shape

he was ten years ago.

You're not going to
fight the guy, Ben.

I have struggled with him
in the past.

Ha ha ha.

Sometimes when he takes out
the sharpest instrument,

that one with the huge hook,

I fight him, I mean
I'll hold his arm.

That's just a reflex, Ben.

Then the nurse gets in on it

and that is one sexy romp.

Hey, Laura, I wonder if
you could check my schedule

because it's possible
I might need to

take some time off to nurse Ben.

Ooh, I don't like
the sound of that.

No, he's getting
his wisdom teeth out

and I want to be there for him.

Ohh, oh.

You know, and...
It's kind...

You're gonna take
time off from work?

What are you gonna do for him?

I mean, he's just
having teeth pulled.

He's gonna need some
extra pampering

and I'd like
to be there for him.

So, I was trying to re-book
some patients, if I could.

Um, I don't think so.

You know I had
my wisdom teeth out

and it's really not a big deal.

Well, you know different people
react differently, so...

Well, you know if
you encourage Ben

to react like a big baby,
then, my guess is, he will.

Um.

Did you ever have
your wisdom teeth out?

When I had my wisdom teeth out,

it cost something like $185.

Wow!
This is 30 years ago,

and the guy said,

"For another 10 bucks,
I'll shave your back."

That's a good deal.
I had to go for it!

Excuse me.

Yes?

Yeah, I'm Paul F. Tompkins,

I have an appointment
with Dr. Katz.

Oh, uhh, you're actually
a little bit late,

but, I need you to fill out
these forms

before I can get you in there.

Okay, so, has my session,
technically, started?

Well, technically, the session
started at 2 o'clock.

But it seems to be


Um, yeah.

What does that mean?

Means that your session
started at 2 o'clock.

Oh, how come I'm not in it?

Are you part of it?

No.

It sort of started without you.

My session started without me,
so then, I say

but, without me
the session cannot start.

Well, a session can actually
exist without the patient.

But, does the patient exist
without the session?

Well, the patient exists
independently of the session.

I think the session cannot exist
without the patient.

Well, the session only needs
the doctor to exist.

Ahh, but the doctor and
the patient need the session.

No, the session needs the doctor

but not the patient.

Only the doctor can have a
session with the patient.

Hi, Paul, I'm guessing.

Oh yeah, hi!

Hello.

You are the doctor.

Right.

I am the patient.

So far.

This is the session.

Have you been in therapy before?

No.

There was a time I would say,
"I wouldn't go on a bet!"

And then guess what,
somebody bet me.

And now, here I am.

So what you're saying is
that someone actually bet you?

Right.

My fee is $180 an hour. Really?

So is this a wash for you?

Are you gonna break even
after you've paid my fee?

Oh, yeah!

Hmmm.

You're not in show business...

No, I'm not....

But you should get into it, because...
Let me tell you somethin'.

The money is obscene,
it-is-great!

Here's how rich I am...

Sometimes I'll go to the gap,

mm-hmm.

I'll just buy like


not even think about it.

People say, "Whoa, those shirts
cost a lot of money."

Oh yeah, they do.

They cost a lot of money
that I have.

Well, I'm glad
you're doing well,

but, let's talk a little bit
about your background.

I'm Irish.

Growing up I had to hear stories

of the terrible, horrible,

Irish potato famine of
the 18-somethings.

Millions of people d*ed,
millions!

Mm-hmm.

Why? Because there
were no potatoes.

Are these the pickiest people
in the world?!

Well...

"Ahh, I'm dyin'...
If only I had a potato.

Oh, sweet baby Jesus,
please make it rain potatoes."

Why don't you try some corn?

"I don't like corn."

Are you sure, you've probably
never even tried it.

"Oh, yes, I did.

Remember at the wedding
they had corn that time?

I tried I don't care for it.
I don't really like it."

Well. You gotta do somethin'.
Eat some corn, come on!

"I have a problem with textures,
you know,

some things feel weird
in my mouth

and corn's just kind of
icky and gross."

"I don't like it."

Well, alright, just go ahead
and starve to death.

"Ah, yeah, that's what
I was doin'

before you had to interview me

for your book
about corn!"

- Hey, Ben?
- Dad.

- How you feelin' by the way?
- Uh...

You sound...
What are you doing?

What's that?

What are you doing?

Just wipin' up.

You know, I'm making a list of
things for your care package

for your post-op.

That's nice of you but
you don't have to do that.

I think you're gonna need
some extra caring

when you come out of
this procedure, and...

You know what, I don't
want to jinx it.

This is not jinxing it.

I think you just might
appreciate a few things.

Well, what are you
putting in it?

Because I wouldn't mind
final approval on stuff.

Yeah.

It's just that when you buy
gifts, they're not good.

This is why I'm calling.
I want your input on this.

At least, can I tell you what
I've got for you so far?

Mm-hmm.

I have, umm tapioca pudding.

Yeah.

Some magazines.

I also rented "Carousel",

the musical.

Let me go over some
of the stuff.

That's all great, dad.

Yeah.

That stuff I won't eat or use.

Oh, I forgot about the new law
that they've imposed

where sons aren't allowed
to say "thank you" to a father

for doing a nice thing.

I did say thank you,
but you're all wrong.

I actually would like
to put together things

that would make you
feel comfortable

because you're liable to feel
uncomfortable for a few hours, you know?

Yeah.

I've got a whole bunch of tapes,
"When Animals att*ck."

Oh, I like that stuff.

You know, because
I sat through 4 hours of

"When Animals Think About
Attacking"... not so good.

I should make a video
"When Dr. Zilber att*cks".

Yeah, ha ha ha.

'Cause he's gonna be
goin' at my mouth.

What about "When Animals att*ck Dr.
Zilber"?

Ha ha, I would love that.

So the whole issue of food
in your home is complicated.

I grew up in a household
with incredibly

distorted images of bodies...

And my mother had
a terrible eating disorder

and every time I would eat,
she'd say,

"Oh, don't be like mommy!"

And it was just always
really awful.

Even now, she will show me
pictures of myself

when I was 5 years old and say,

"Oh, you used to be so skinny,
when you were 5".

Mmmm...

You know, my mother
never had much

and she always let me know it...

Right. When I was growing up.

She loved fashion too
and she made my prom dress,

and the whole time
she just complained

while she was making it. Hmm.

"You know mommy
didn't have prom.

They don't have prom
in Korea...

Only w*r."

Dr. Katz's office.

Laura!

Hi.

How are you, Laura?

No, Laura, it's me, it's Ben.

Oh, Ben.

I was doin' a thing where
I had no teeth

'cause I'm going to get
my wisdom teeth out.

Where are you?

I'm under the couch.

Oh.

It's not everybody who gets
their wisdom teeth out.

No, just... probably
pretty much everybody.

Yeah, but not everybody waits
this long to get them out.

Most people do it
in their teens.

Right.

When there's no meaning in it.

Mm-hmm.

Me, I'm a little different,
Laura.

I held out to the last
possible moment.

That's called "courage".

Huh.

Did you get
your wisdom teeth out?

Yeah.

How old were you?

Umm, 17.

Typical.

But I only had one, though.

Well, the doctor said
I only have one

that needs to be taken out

but he's gonna
take out all four.

No, but I only had one.

What do you mean,
"You only had one"?

Only one in my head.

Really?

Yeah.

You had one wisdom tooth.

Just one.

But everyone has four.

No, everyone doesn't have four.

I had one.

That's like a freak.

No, it's not.

It's actually, what they
told me was that it means

that I'm more highly evolved.

Ha ha, oh man, that is not true.

Because wisdom teeth
are unnecessary

and eventually
everybody will have none.

That's like going up to a
humpback and saying,

you're more highly evolved
than everybody, with that hump.

I rejected dr*gs mainly because

I didn't want to talk
to my dealer anymore

because I think buying dr*gs
is really annoying.

You know, because when
you buy dr*gs

you have to feign this
relationship with your dealer...

Like you're not really going
to him to buy dr*gs, you know,

you're going for a social visit

and dr*gs are the surprise that
just happens when you get there.

And he's talkin' to you and
you're trying to be interested

like, "Oh, that's great,
that's really interesting."

But inside you're just...

"Just gimme dr*gs,
I hate you, I hate you.

Your house smells like cat pee.

Why don't you clean
the water in your fish t*nk?"

Whoa!

What's the matter?

You're gettin' all these?

I do everything big, Todd.

Yeah.

I don't do anything small.

Man, you can't wipe out
a whole section.

I mean, I guess you can,

but no one's ever
done it before.

Who's gonna rent these, anyway?

No one, now.

Well, this is kind of
a special occasion.

What's goin' on here?
This is...

I gotta stock up on movies

'cause I'm gonna be
in the house, for a while.

In the house?

Yeah, word!

But not, not in the house
like I'm typically in the house.

I'm gonna be convalescing.

Convalescing?

Well, I gotta get
my wisdom teeth out...

How are you gonna
eat all this stuff?

Look at this, you got
super-size twizzlers...

Mm-hmm.

Jumbo Milk Duds...

Well, I'm gonna make
shakes out of it.

Shakes?

Yeah, you put the, uh...

Licorice shakes?

You do it with any candy.

You ever make a skittles shake?

Skittles is a good shake.

Yuck!

Have you had your
wisdom teeth out?

No. I'm keepin' mine, man,
that's a scam.

What are you talkin' about?

God did not give you
extra teeth.

Wha-wha...

And you know what?

I'm talkin' as a man
who's been scammed many times.

How have you been scammed?

The whole, "Burn yourself and go to the
hospital and get a skin graft" scam,

I got that one.

The whole... "Did you like fall and break
your arm and they put it in a cast...

I have not...
...Scam.

Really?

You don't need to do that.

Hmm.

Nature takes care of itself.

You could just walk away
from that.

"a**l wart" scam,
I fell for that one, also.

There's a lot of medical scams.

People really trust doctors
way too much.

It sounds to me like music was
an important part of your life.

Sometimes for fun
I like to go to pawn shops

and just hang out front.

I wait till a guy
walks in with a guitar

and then I say to him,

"Wow, man, I guess it's not
about the music anymore, is it?"

It's all about the cash.

I guess you just don't care.

Couldn't commit, huh?
Couldn't commit.

I guess that's art these days,
good luck, buddy'.

I don't like jazz,

'cause jazz is all about makin'
the common man feel dumb.

It's not for everybody.

You know, you got a
bunch of guys up there

playing all their
instruments, going,

♫ Blddup dlup dlup dloopp ♫

They make you feel like
you're stupid,

if you can't enjoy that.

It's just a bunch of noise,
for god's sake.

But here's the worst thing that
jazz guys do to make you feel dumb.

They're up there playing
their interminable solos

just goin' on and on and on.

And then like this
upright bass player,

he'll play a note like this...
♫ Brggh ♫

you thought he was
gonna go ♫ Brnngh ♫

but he goes ♫ Brggh ♫

and then the other guys on
stage, they all start laughin'.

Then you're just there like,
"Ha, I don't get the jazz joke.

"Ha ha, I guess I'm dumb."

"You're all smarter than me.

Why is that note funny,
smart jazz people?"

Uh-huh.

'Cause humor is relatable.

That's by its definition,
I think.

Humor is relatable to
other people.

You can't go to your job
the next day, and say,

"Oh, last night I saw the
funniest jazz player,

um instead of going ♫ Brnnh ♫
he went ♫ Brggh ♫

"Ha ha ha ha, ho ho ho ho,

oh, that's a good one, eh?"

Please don't play with that.

I'm not playing with it.

I'm just checking if it works.

You know?

It works.

Does that feel numb yet?

Mm-hmm.
That injection hurt,

but I don't feel any
numbness yet.

Should I get...

How 'bout here?

Ow! Oww!
Yeah.

Good.

Why are you using a
nail clipper on me?

Sit back.

Wait, doctor, shouldn't you wait
until the novocaine kicks in

before we go to the table saw?

Relax, Ben.

Uh-huh.

Open up.

Okay.

Wider.

Ahhh.

Wider.

Doctor, is that necessary?

Ahhhh, doc!

That's it!
That's it!

No, almost.

Ahhh, doc!

Owww, my god!

Don't exert yourself!

Don't... arrrghhh!

Ohhhh, god!

Awwww, gawd!

Aahhh!

Jesusssss!

Oh, my gawddd!

Hey, Ben.

Hey, guys.

How did it go?

Take a look.

Take a sweet look at
my swollen head.

Man, you look like
you got b*at up.

Yeah, well, I did get b*at up.

I have never been pull...

Ha ha ha!

Dad, why are you laughing?

What's so funny?

Just the way you're talking.

I'm sorry.

I have gauze in my mouth.

Dr. Katz,
that's not nice.

Don't laugh at him. I
don't mean to, I just...

Thank you, Laura.

Wank woo, waura.

Ha ha, don't do that.

That's not funny.

You know, I'll tell you
something.

I didn't expect you
to have this reaction.

It's just not appropriate.

Oh, why did you come here, then?

What did he give you
for the pain?

Painkillers.

Which I doubt I'll need.

Right.

And he also gave me antibiotics,

which he said, you know,
were to prevent infection.

Mm-hmm.

Well, you know what, though?
I'll tell you something.

This was incredibly
painful procedure.

Mm-hmm.

And I must admit I didn't
even... never screamed.

Mm-hmm.
Umm?

Dr. Zilber said
I screamed a little bit

but I don't remember.

No, he's not that
reliable a source.

Dr. Zilber also said that my
body went into total shock.

Which was not the case.

Mm-hmm.

See, all that stuff
I don't remember.

I think I went through it
like a trooper.

I think you should
go home now, Ben.

Get some rest.

Wait a sec, I have to
change this gauze.

If you don't mind.

Ehhh, ehhh.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Ehhh.
Ehhhh.

You guys should see
the sockets...

You can see all the way
down to my stomach!

Y'know, dad...

Yes.

I think I need another pill.

Ben, you had one an hour ago.

I can't keep feeding
you these pills.

Oh, the pain is immense.

I think it just takes a while
for these pills to kick in

and when they do,
you'll feel fine.

But until then, I'm gonna
try to distract you

by telling you a little story.

You know what? I'm not in the
mood for stories right now,

to be honest with you,
because my head is throbbing.

Well, do it for me, then.

Everything's throbbing
right now, as a matter of fact.

I'm excited!

I'm gonna take you
back in time...

To the day... dad, I gotta
be honest with you.

Really, the pain is too much.

I can't concentrate
on you talking.

Just give me another pill
and get outta my sight.

What's the magic word?

Now!

Here!

What's going on, Ben,
what time is it?

Ben, it's 4:00
in the morning.

What are you doing up?

Dad, I can't live anymore.

I mean, the life's gotta end.

What are you talking about, Ben?

Your life is so full of hope
and joy and...

Shhh, listen to me.

- Look at me.
- Okay.

I got this from the kitchen,

it's all I could find,

it's a nail file.
k*ll me!

Okay, but this is
gonna take hours.

k*ll me with it.

I mean, just start filing
from the nails

and keep going
until I am just dust.

Dad, I'm tellin' ya
the pills don't work.

'Cause the pain is the same.

Mm-hmm.

I curse Dr. Zilber and
his wicked practice.

He's no dentist!
He's a monster!

He is a monster.

I've always said that.

But I've always paid him
on time.

Don't touch me!

Okay.

Get away from me!

Ben, you seem a little, uh...

Yeah, I feel a little better.

I got some sleep and...

Oh, good, good.

The pain has subsided
a little bit, although...

Oh, I'm so glad to hear that.

Yeah, you don't look well.

No, well, first of all,
I was up...

I mean, before you go on, dad,
I just want to say

that never in my life, ever,

have I experienced
pain like that.

Ben, I have something
I need to tell you,

and I feel... well,
dad, I love you too.

No, this has nothing to do...

We got through it together,

and life goes on.

You're not, you're not
making this easier, Ben.

You're not leaving me, are you?

You know those painkillers
that the doctor gave you?

Yeah, those things were duds.

I was giving you the wrong pills

and I don't know how
I could have done it,

but you didn't take any.

You were taking
antibiotics all night.

Oh, wh-what are you
talking about?

The good news is that
you were fighting

the invasion of bacteria.

Oh, wait a minute,
you-you...

The bad news is that
I gave you no painkillers,

no pain medication all night.

How could you mistake the pills,
you're a doctor?!

I know, that's why
it's doubly embarrassing.

How could you mistake
painkillers for antibiotics?

It says it right on the label!

You know why,
because I was so tired and I...

I can't yell at you,
my mouth still hurts.

Maybe you should take
one of these now, at least.

Let me see it.

What's that?

Let me see the bottle.

Hmm, "Take 2 tablets
every 4 hours

to alleviate pain."

Well...
What a great concept!

It's so simple...

Dad, how could you screw up
like this, honestly?

I-I... is there some way
I can make it up to you, Ben?

I would do anything
to make it up to you.

Well, you know what?

What?

In a way I'm not mad at you.

Because now I know

what it's like to experience

inordinate pain.

I never would
have had that opportunity

if it weren't for you, dad,
and thank you.

Well, Ben, you're
more than welcome.

I mean...

Thank you for
the sublime t*rture.

Please don't make it
harder than it is.

Here's my new theory.

Pain brings clarity.

Like for instance, feel this.

Oowwww, Ben!

My mother knows a lot
about gay men

because we grew up
in '70s crazy San Francisco.

So she would like
pick out books for me

to like teach me about
gay people

'cause she thought that
I really needed to know.

"There is a book,
there is a book that I found.

It is gay, it is called
ase master."

I'm sorry,
wh... "Ass master"?

You know what I know,
this is what I know,

it is a gay, the gay,
they like ase so much,

they don't know what to do.

They like the ase book
and the ase movie.

Yeah.

You have to have a ase
in the moderation, you know?

You cannot have ase all the time

because then it's not special.

Everything in moderation.

I have a question for you.

And this is
a rhetorical question

so don't start to answer it.

I... don't. Sorry.

Here's my question.

Hey, all that cool future junk

we were supposed
to have by now...

Ahh, where is it?

I'm talkin' about wrist TVs

and rocket packs and all that.

We don't have any
of this nonsense.

What is the holdup, science?

We don't have any of it.

We don't have the pill
that's a 5-course meal,

"Oh, steak and puddin',
delicious."

We don't have any of it.

I think, the problem is

they're trying to do
too many things at once

and nothing's getting done.

Just concentrate on one thing
so we can have it.

I vote for the rocket pack.

Huh.

Now here's what's great
about the rocket pack.

If you had a rocket pack,

it would never get old.

Hmmm.

If you had a rocket pack,

it would be the last thing
you thought about

before you went to bed
at night...

And the first thing
you thought about

when you got up in the morning.

Your alarm would go off
in the future there

and you would see it
in the corner...

Ooh, rocket pack.

Oh, another glorious
rocket pack day!

Oh, thank you, god.

I gotta strap it on rocket pack!

Y'know, doctor,

when I came in here,
I was skeptical,

and who wouldn't be,
'cause look at you.

Now, Paul, that's not fair.

But now, it's all
starting to make sense

and I think I'll come back,
once or twice.

Well, I hope you do come back.

I know it's not what you
anticipated, it's not easy...

Yeah.

And it's painful.

Yeah!

And we haven't even gotten
to the painful part yet.

Oh, I'm there.

I don't know where you've been

but I'm at the painful part.

Whup. You know what
the music means Paul,

our time is up.

Well, why?
That seems like...

Can't you just say "time's up"?

That's too easy.

Do you think that helps people

to have like some
crazy jazz piano come in

and, ♫ bling blang blong ♫ y'know?

Yeah.

Really?

And people seem to like it.

Who, piano players?

Yeah.

Is that how you're gonna end
next session?

Mm-hmm.

I see.

And nobody else has
a problem with this?

Nope.