22x10 - Cabin Pressure

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Thanks for bringing us to
your company picnic, Peter.

This is gonna be so much fun.

Yeah, I figured it's finally
time you guys put faces

to the people I've been bitching
about for the past eight years.

Oop, there's charity 5k guy.

Let's run lupus out of town, huh, guys?

I work with Peter now.

There's the guy who started
after me, and was beneath me,

but now he's, like, higher up than I am.

- Hey, Bob.
- Hey, Darren.

Thank you all for
coming to today's picnic.

Now, for our main event:
The aerial ovum transfer,

or, as it's sometimes
known, the egg toss.

This year, as a special prize,

the winning team will
receive a five-night stay

at my vacation home in
Mooseattackee, Maine.

With miles of trails,
it is one of Maine's

premiere hiking destinations.

And you're only a short bike ride away

from its quaint downtown.

Let your cares melt away as you
paddle across serene lake June.

Peter, that place in Maine is amazing.

It looks like a Stephen King book

before anything bad happens.

Hi, Gary, how's it going? How's Brenda?

Oh, she's great. Uh,
just alive, super alive.

- How are the boys?
- Yep, all alive.

Children and pets all alive

and acting like normal
children and pets.

That's great. H-hey, have you met

that new stranger from not here?

Nope. See you tomorrow definitely.

Peter, we got to win this vacation,

but there are so many other teams.

Relax, Lois. I brought
a hard-boiled egg,

so while all the other
teams are getting eliminated,

we can just play an
"angry dad" game of catch.

So the school called to say
they found pot in your locker.

You want to tell me about that?

Ow! I-I'm not sure
what we're doing, Peter.

So how's that summer job hunt coming?

I don't think they're hiring
in front of the TV all day.

Ow! That's too hard.

You know what else is hard?

Waking up next to a
woman you no longer love.

Try that on for size.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Peter, they've all been eliminated.

The game is over, but
I think we should talk.

Yes! The Griffins are going to Maine.

And if that isn't the perfect promo

for the middle of a meaningless
vikings-packers game,

I don't know what is.

ANNOUNCER: And the players
have gathered around Clark.

And we can only hope that
his injury wasn't too serious

and we start to see some
movement in those extremities.

And while we have this
break in the action,

this Sunday on an all-new Family Guy,

The Griffins are going to Maine.

On right after an
all-new Bob's burgers.

A family vacation in Maine.

My monogrammed canvas bag
is gonna be so excited.

You said it, Lois.

I can't wait to get
stuffed with old sunscreens

and emergency tampons.

Yo, a pool table?

Hell ya! I'm gonna be
gettin' all up in that.

How does one get "all
up in" a pool table?

And, wow, look, it's
bigger than I thought.

So many bedrooms.

Yeah, with all that extra space,
we could invite our friends along.

Quagmire, Joe and Bonnie,
Cleveland and his family.

- The whole g*ng could come.
- Really?

Do you think everyone would enjoy it?

Lois, do you know what's up in Maine?

Art's trading post.

Ever since I was a kid,
I wanted to go up there

to see the trained bear show.

They ride bikes, they
wear Dracula fangs...

seasonally... and then there's one part

where Nipsy The Brown Bear
pretends to smoke a cigar.

And I'm not even kidding.

Ah, I don't know, Peter.

It's a lot of people under one roof.

Come on, Lois, this is our big chance

to yell at kids who aren't ours.

You know what? Let's do it.

I think Bonnie's gained five pounds,

and I want to see her in a swimsuit.

While we're on the subject
of Mrs. Swanson and swimsuits,

question: If Mrs. Swanson goes swimming,

then hangs her bathing
suit to dry in the bathroom,

am I allowed to wring
the water into a cup?

- And do what with it?
- Irrelevant.

Do not concern yourself with
what happens to the water

once it's in the cup. Am I allowed?

Uh, I'm gonna say no.

All right, well, the guy
from reddit already paid

for the water, but I'll...

I'll figure something out.

I've been waiting a long
time for this trip, Brian.

To come to Maine? Huh.

I didn't think you were
much of an outdoorsman.

[SCOFFS] The outdoors can get stuffed.

We're near Kennebunkport,

home of the bush family compound

and, according to Dowdy Magazine,

the very place where Barbara bush picked

that one haircut 40 years ago

and never looked back. See?

The perfect, coiffed, lady fro.

I hear tell that she
brought a Quaker Oats box

into the salon and said, "this."

Uh-oh, no pavement,
lot of rocks and roots.

Good thing Joe brought his

new off-road tires!

I didn't pack the tires.

Oh.

Nuts.

All right, g*ng, time to head inside.

Now one quick heads-up.

Every room has a lake view except one.

Somebody's gonna have to look out

over that girls'
volleyball camp next door.

Nice serve, Stacy.

What did I tell ya, Lois?

Look at all those big smiles and...

Cleveland Jr., no wet
feet on the hardwood floor!

This is gonna be a great week.

Hey, Peter, will you call your boss?

For what? I don't want
to bug him already.

He wrote the Wi-Fi password in a font

where the big letter I's and
the l juniors are the same thing.

I can't make heads or tails of it.

Are you calling Preston? Ask
him about the towel sitch.

I could only find three
and you're gonna need those

to clean the soda off the pool table.

We already spilled on the pool table?

Yeah, Meg was really
gettin' all up in it.

Hey, Peter? Uh, someone
either laid a giant turd

or tried to flush a russet
potato down the toilet.

It's totally clogged.

ANNOUNCER: And Clark,
still unresponsive,

being carted off the field
and into an ambulance.

This week's Family Guy:
Someone lays a giant turd.

It's the single largest
defecate I ever saw.

Should we try flushing it
again as a show of force?

Nah, Chris, that'll only make it angry.

Okay, here's the
SITUATION: A stubborn BM

is blocking up our main toilet.

I can't find a plunger,
so whoever did it

needs to get in there
with a dishwashing glove

and punch it through. So who was it?

Say, Chris, that looks like a
fresh rim of sweat on your hat.

Wouldn't happen to be
"pushing sweat," would it?

What? No! I was reading a chapter book.

Meg, you're generally gross.

Anything you want to fess up to?

Nope. I'm "dogging it" this
month for the environment.

That means I only go outside.

Saves water, feeds the soil,

turns a few heads at the same time.

Okay, this is disgusting.

D-does it really matter who did it?

I'd kind of like to know.

Yeah, we should at least make sure

they don't need medical attention.

Well, I'd like to get
on with my vacation.

There's got to be a plunger
around here somewhere.

Peter, come on, help me look.

Okay, listen up, we
don't have much time.

It was me, Peter. I clogged the toilet.

That was you? How is that even possible?

[GROANS] It was all
that fiber-y mom cereal

The View told us to eat.

That turd has Joy Behar's
fingerprints all over it.

But I need you to take the fall for me.

Uh, I don't know, Lois.

Even for a husky guy like me,

it's shamefully large.

I know! That's why I need your help.

That is not a poop a
woman can come back from.

Look, you take the
blame, and I'll let you

get two souvenirs at the bear show.

It's not gonna be, like,
like, like, books, is it?

No.

All right, everybody, listen up.

I'm the one who clogged the toilet.

[ALL CLAMORING IN DISGUST]

Oh, great! As if that
little slug of yours

isn't embarrassing enough.

Sorry, I have to make this believable.

- So it's big?
- Let's...

Let's just get through this, huh?

[TO THE TUNE OF "REVEILLE"]
♪ Gig-gig-giggity ♪

♪ Gig-gig-giggity,
gig-gig, giggity, gee-gee ♪

♪ Gig-gig-giggity
gig-gig-giggity, gee-gee. ♪

What the hell is happening?!

Life, Peter. That's what's happening.

I've put together a whole
itinerary of adventures

- for our week.
- Wow, this is very detailed.

"6:27, read '6:27' on daily schedule."

Right on schedule.

Hey, why's some of this
stuff highlighted in green,

but my bear show is in yellow?

Because the bear show
is priority yellow.

[LAUGHING] A bear, a bear show
would never be priority green.

All right, as long as
it's on there, I guess.

Now to put on a pair of
shorts I never wear at home,

but packed for vacation,
hoping they'd magically fit.

[GRUNTING]

[SIGHS]

ANNOUNCER: Vacation: Let's just pack

the stuff we're sure fits.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[EXHALES]

You guys smell that?

You smell that air?

[ALL INHALE, EXHALE]

Peter, you still back there?

I don't hear you smelling that air.

[PANTING] Yeah, I'm here.

I'm just having a hard
time on the one bike

that was stored under
the deck all winter

Instead of in the garage. [SIGHS]

We've been at this all morning.

Is it time to go to the bear show yet?

Soon, Peter. But before that,

the itinerary has us going
to a must-visit local market

that no local has ever stepped foot in.

Now, be sure to put your
bikes down in a place

that blocks the path of people
just trying to live their lives.

[CROWD CLAMORING]

We're doing vacation
really good, you guys.

God, I hate these stores.

They're so tiny, so the owner's

right on top of you the whole time.

- Can I wrap that for you?
- Hoda kotb!

Oh, you're such a tourist.
Here, follow my lead.

You know how it's typically rude to talk

- to people about their finances?
- Yeah.

Well, in a small town
market, you can come right out

and ask the owner if he makes
enough money to feed his family.

You just have to do it in
the voice white ladies use

with people who don't speak English.

Was it a good tourist season,

or will your children go without?

This business you've
dedicated your life to

is very cute to me.

Isn't this fun, Peter?

Now don't forget to say "bye"
like the world's biggest ass.

[HIGH-PITCHED] Bye! Buh-bye, bye.

♪ ♪

- How are those burgers coming along?
- Fine, I guess.

Well, thanks for volunteering to cook.

I didn't volunteer.

Everyone just called me "grill master"

until I submitted.

[LAUGHS] Spoken like
a true grill master.

Whatever. Hey, everybody,
we got to eat quick

if we're gonna catch the bear show.

They're kept on a Robitussin
and Zoloft-heavy diet,

so they fall asleep pretty early.

Okay, I'll tell Chris. He's
down at the dock fishing.

There he is, the bait master.

I think I misunderstood the assignment.

Well, let's see what you caught.

I wouldn't look in the bucket.

I'm sorry, we closed 20 minutes ago.

What? Wait a minute, if
you closed 20 minutes ago,

why are you just flipping the sign now?

Owner said I had to wait to flip it

until it would devastate a fat guy.

I told him he was crazy,
but you look pretty upset.

That's why he's the boss.

What's going on, Peter?

They're closed, that's what's going on.

And now we got to come all
the way back here tomorrow.

Oh, we're actually closed permanently.

After decades of very valid
animal cruelty complaints,

it was easier to shut down than to

keep cleaning fake PETA
blood off our clothes.

I'm sorry, what?

Yeah, honestly, it's a miracle

they let us go as long as we did.

There's not a single license
or permit for this whole thing.

One day, we just started
putting bears on Pogo sticks

and no one ever told us to stop.

This can't be happening.

Sorry, you should've been here earlier

for the bear flash sale.
I was strapping 'em to

people's cars like Christmas trees.

See, that guy got one.

By the end, we didn't
even charge people.

We were just giving the bears away.

[ECHOING] Just giving the bears away.

Just giving the bears away.
Just giving the bears away.

Sorry you didn't see the bears, Peter,

but quagmire has us going
blueberry-picking tomorrow.

Maybe you'll see a bear then.

I do not want to see a wild bear, Lois.

I want to see a unicycle bear in a fez.

You know, I still don't really get it.

A bear on a unicycle?

It sounds kind of dumb.

It's not dumb. It's hilarious

and it's the only thing I
wanted to do this entire trip.

You know, if I remember correctly,

part of our deal was I get two souvenirs

from the bear show.
Well, I'm looking around

and I don't see any
plastic bear heads on sticks

that I can make bite things.

That means I get to
tell everyone it was you

who clogged the toilet.

[ALL GASP]

Lois, that was you?

But it had such a man stink.

You know what, Donna? Going
in the bathroom after you

ain't exactly a walk
through the rose garden,

so I'd be quiet right about now.

Don't listen to him, Donna.

We think your movements
smell very lady-like.

Isn't that right, kids?

Oh, of course, 'cause you
all agree on everything.

Just the perfect family, aren't you?

News Flash: Normal families fight

and like spending time
away from each other.

Sir? Sir? I'm gonna need
you to calm down, sir.

Stop acting like a real cop, Joe.

Your right leg is in a knot.

Uh, yeah,

they got a little tangled
when Bonnie dipped me

in the lake.

God, I can't believe I
thought it'd be a good idea

to bring you people on this trip.

The only reason I
still talk to any of you

is 'cause we live on the same street.

And after this week, I am
seriously considering a move.

Peter, Peter. I'm
sorry, but 7:05 sunset,

so I need to simulate more
trumpet songs with "Giggity."

[TO THE TUNE OF "TAPS"] ♪ Giggity ♪

♪ Giggity. ♪

Give me that thing.

Oh, no. How will you distract yourself

from the fact that
you're gonna die alone

without your precious itinerary?

- Whoa.
- Aah! Son of a...

[GASPS]

[ALL GASP]

[PANICKED SHOUTING]

[CLAMORING]

Oh, my god. The cabin's on fire.

Heavens.

Hey, thanks for coming out.
Guess all that's left to do

is get a picture of me in the truck

and, uh, you fellas can be on your way.

Oh, god, look at this place.

If Preston finds out
I torched his house,

I'm screwed, you guys.

We got to fix this fast.

But I'm sure it's nothing

a resourceful group
of best friends like us

can't handle, right?

♪ ♪

Look, I know Peter said
some very mean things,

but what's important right
now is that no one was hurt.

That's not entirely true, Lois.

Your reusable grocery
bags didn't make it.

[SCOFFS] What?

Your bags, they were lost in the fire.

No. No.

No!

[GRUNTS]

- [CLAMORING]
- You son of a bitch,

Peter Griffin!

What have you done?

I will never forgive you for this.

Do you hear me?

[SOBBING] I will never forgive you.

♪ ♪

Well, Peter, you made it crystal clear

we're no longer wanted,
so we'll leave you be.

Yeah, you can deal with
this mess on your own.

Let's go, everybody.

- [CAR DOORS CLOSING]
- [ENGINES STARTING]

Why aren't we moving?

We got to wait for Joe

to back out of the driveway

'cause he pulled in last.

Sorry. If I knew you were
doing a big, dramatic exit,

I would've rearranged
the cars this morning.

You mind if I wait till I'm
all the way in to tell you off?

Yeah, that's fine.

Shame on you, Peter.

It is people like you who...

[CAR HORN HONKING]

[QUAGMIRE] Go!

♪ ♪

All right, Peter, don't panic.

You got till the end
of the week to fix this.

Maybe there's an online
tutorial that'll help.

What's going on, guys?

I'm Corey, from "Corey's world."

Today I'm gonna show you
how to patch a big hole

in your boss's cabin.
Here's what you'll need:

[FADING] A drywall saw, tape measure...

[PETER] sh**t, what did he say?

Turn off the power so you don't

drill into a live wire
like my stepdad Todd.

Now our spoons move

when he walks in the kitchen.

- To do that...
- [PETER] Gerbils can't sing opera.

Damn it, Peter, focus.

- Your job is on the lin...
- [MOUSE BUTTON CLICKS]

[SINGING "O SOLE MIO"]

[LAUGHS] Aw, touché,
"recommended videos."

I know you're leading
me down a rabbit hole

to !sis beheadings, but
this was a bull's-eye.

[PHONE RINGS]

Preston. I wasn't
expecting to hear from you

for a couple of days.

Yes, well, I realized

I only provided three
towels for the entire cabin,

so I'm on my way to deliver more.

Oh, you don't have to come all
the way up here just for that.

Unfortunately, I do.

My OCD won't allow me to
stop... [CLICKS TONGUE] clicking

until the cabin has 15 towels.

Well, I should let you go.

A new car is in front of me
and I need to... [CLICKS TONGUE]

do math problems with
its license plate number.

♪ ♪

All right, everything I
need to get out of this mess

is right here. Power drill, level,

circular saw. Perfect.

How can Preston fire me

if he can't get inside?

[WIND GUSTS]

Ah! My defenses are down.

- [CAR APPROACHING]
- Oh, no.

He's here. [SIGHS]

Well, I guess it's
time to face the music.

What are you guys doing here?

We came back to help you, Peter.

And it's not just us.

♪ ♪

Did we time it right?
Did you say "not just us"

before we pulled over the horizon?

Yeah, it was perfect.

Yes. That is why we practiced

in the Walmart parking lot.

But I was such a jerk to all of you.

Why would you help me now?

Lois says you were the one pushing to

invite us on the trip at all.

Called us your best friends.

And we should've made a better effort to

get to your bear show,
instead of making the trip

all about what we wanted to do.

Yeah, and we left without
any of our chargers.

If it was just the blocks,
you know, big whoop-dee-doo,

but it was the wires, too.

So, what do you say?

Can we help you fix the cabin, Peter?

I'd like that.

Now, let's go chop down
some ancient pine trees

to save this millionaire's
vacation home.

[ALL] Yeah!

The chimney has proved stalwart.

Well, that's Preston.

I'm sorry for what I said.

Only true friends would come
back to help the way you did,

and that's all that matters.

True friends will also stay

to watch their friend get fired.

Thanks, guys.

I'll probably cry.

That's okay. It'll make a better TikTok.

Griffin, what the hell?

My cabin. It's completely destroyed.

[CRYING] I'm so sorry, Preston,

but you got to know this
was completely my fault.

My friends and family
were the perfect guests,

and they had nothing to do with it.

If you want to fire me,

or issue some Maine justice

and clamp some lobsters to my nipples,

I understand.

Peter, you don't understand.

I hate it up here.

The small-town pace,
the pressure to relax,

the barn owl that pushed
my wife down a staircase.

I don't get it. Then why
have the cabin at all?

An address in Maine
allowed me to establish

an ethically dubious, but
technically legal shell company.

But now, with the money I'll save

from taking a casualty deduction
on the destroyed property,

I won't need that.

[APPLAUSE]

Hey, Preston, I know the cabin's a mess,

but we still got three
days in the prize week.

Could we finish out our
trip here in Maine? Together?

I don't see why not.

[BIRD CALLS]

[ANNOUNCER] Maine: A day and
a half is probably enough.

Well, we had our troubles,

but I'm glad we're back
at home, safe and sound.

Peter, what are you talking
about? This is all a dream.

You had a stress heart
att*ck during the Egg Toss.

[GROANING]

Poor Darren.