01x01 - The Secret Plan

[bunniefuu]

[jazzy electronic music]

Morning.



THE LAME PLAN

THE CRAZY PLAN

THE BOOTY PLAN

THE HOOK-UP PLAN

[snoring]

[birds chirping]

[distant man] Elsa?

[man] Elsa?

- Elsa...
- [Elsa moans]

Good morning, sweetheart.

It's already 9:30, angel.

- [Elsa] Wha...?
- [man] It's 9:30.



[whispers] Oh, man! f*ck me!

I'm sorry, Dad. [sighs]

I'm so late for work.

But my phone was supposed to ring,
why didn't it ring?

- [Elsa] Oh, right...I forgot.
- [Dad] You left the door open.

- [Dad] Fun night?
- [Elsa] No, horrible.

When will your first patient be here?

- Five minutes ago.
- [Elsa] What?

PSYCHOLOGIES: CREATIVITY

[Dad] Sorry,
my daughter is staying with me.

Morning.

Uh-huh.

[Elsa sighs]

I...I'm sorry.

- [Dad] Elsa!
- [Elsa] Yeah?

You forgot your things.

[Elsa] No, no, no!

sh*t, I'm so sick of living
out of these boxes!

[fast-paced music]

[car horn blares]

I'm so late!

Sorry!

[Elsa sighs]

Hey, Victor!

[beep]

[fast-paced music continues]

Morning.

[woman] Once you're on the list...

- Hi, Chantal.
- ...five or six years.

[Chantal] I get your point.

I know, affordable housing
requires a bit of paperwork,

but to get an apart...

- [silence]
- Hello?

[Elsa sighs]

[Chantal] Morning, sunshine!

- Hey.
- [Chantal chuckles]

[Chantal] You look like hell.

- Tell me everything.
- [Elsa] I can't.

- Complete blackout.
- [Chantal] Wow.

Sounds like a night to remember.

[Elsa] Mm.

Now I have to call my phone.

[Elsa dials phone]

[knock on window]

[Chantal] The assh*le from PR
is at the window.

- [man] Feeling better this morning?
- What?


Left the party?"

What? I texted you?


with Gaïa the whore."



"I'm sorry, my bad, not a whore,
I'm sure she's nice."


and she stole my boyfriend. Bye."

You're sure it's from me?

[Max] 11:15.

"Blow yourself tomorrow."

[soft electronic music]

[distant cheering]

Oh, no, no, no!

No, no, no. f*cking autocorrect.

I WILL BLOW YOU TOMORROW

- [in Spanish] Confiscado!
- I'm in the middle of...

- Were you sexting Max?
- Yeah, but it was for work.

Come on, are you kidding?

- But why isn't he here tonight?
- Probably to avoid this.

- He left before you got here.
- What?

- Let's have fun, let's dance! Come on.
- So, he was here?

Come on, let's dance!
And no more drinking for you.

[upbeat dance music]

[woman laughs loudly]

Ooh...There's a guy over there
who's checking you out.

Hey...

No, no, no...

- He wants you, Milou.
- He does not.

I'm preggo AF.
I only turn on pervs and OB-GYNs.

Here he comes. Smile, smile!

Stop smiling, it's worse.

Hey.

[Milou] Uh, hey!

- How are you doing?
- [Milou] Good.

You're a pervert!

- Stop it!
- Preggo chaser!

[Milou]
She's drunk, don't listen to her. Stop it!

- Elsa...Sorry, she's drunk!
- Go away!

- Go away! Pervy GYN.
- You can stay!

You could have let me enjoy it!

- [man] What did he want?
- Huh? Nothing.

Hey!

- [man] Hey!
- [Milou] The cream-puff king!

- Doing good?
- Fantastic!

- Having fun?
- [Elsa shouts] Yeah!

Long live French cream puffs!

Long live puffs!

Long live all of us!

[sings along to the music]
I love this song!

She's loving the open bar.

Puffs!

[French dance music]

[Milou] Oh, my God, she's on a roll now.

[man] She's not getting over Max.

When she finds out he's getting married
and you're his best men...

Milou, can we go?

- I'm back at the hospital in five hours.
- I'll call you a cab.

[woman] You have the f*cking
shittiest working hours.

[Milou] Sorry, can't leave now.

We're babysitting Elsa.

- OK, don't stay out too late.
- OK, Mom.

[screams] sh*ts!

Anything else, Max?
I've got to call Charlotte.

I mean, the cell she stole from me.

I mean, maybe not stole,
but I've got to call her.

Elsa...

I think you're super.

Really, you're intelligent.

You're pretty.

But you're a gigantic pain in the ass.

Seriously, stop this.
Gaïa and I have been so nice about it.

- No but no, I mean...
- OK, Elsa!

We loved each other too much
to mess up everything, let's respect that.

[silence]

Have a nice day.

[Chantal chuckles]

"Blow yourself tomorrow"?

He loves himself so much
I'm sure he tried.

[Elsa] I'm never drinking again.

I'm such a mess!

[party music resumes]

- You OK? Need some air?
- It's all good.

[music fades]

[Elsa] Oh, you guys, I'm sorry.

- I wrecked the party for everyone.
- No way! Don't say that, sweetie.

- We just want you to feel better.
- Totally.

How long has it been since you got laid?

Not sure it's the best time...

Twenty-five months. More than two years.

By now, it could have closed up.
That's gross!

- What?
- Just like when you pierce your ears.

- No stud and it closes up.
- That is bullshit.

You need to break out of the evil spell
of Maxime's wicked little prick!

You're stuck on his frequency,
it's science!

That was a brilliant theory, Dr Clitoris.

This is 2018.
She doesn't need a man to enjoy life.

Not a man! I mean dicks
regularly servicing her box.

- That's absolute nonsense!
- I'm serious!

- There's a million other ways to be happy!
- How many?

Traveling is one,
hanging out with friends, your career...

And big cocks.

Right but...

I don't want a hook-up
and I don't want a man just to have a man.

I want something real...

something extraordinary...

[romantic music]

...like what I had with Maxime.

- [both] No.
- Absolutely!

- [both] No.
- That's what I need, what I want.

I love you, guys.

[Milou] Aw...

We love you too.

I'm getting up in three hours.

[Elsa] Good night!

[Charlotte] Bye!

My girl's completely lost faith.
She's stopped believing.

There must be something we can do.

I'd pay good money to help her.

[music stops]

Please, Charlotte, come on.

[Chantal] Yeah, Charlotte,
for my sake, please pick up.

[hamster squeaking]

[phone vibrating]

[distant church bells]

[vibrating continues]

Hey, Fish and Chips!
You love kebab, don't you?

Yeah, you do, just like your mama.

- [smooching]
- [vibrating]

Right, let's go home now.

- [Charlotte sighs]
- [vibrating]

- Hey! Wake up, come on.
- [groaning]

No work today?

- What?
- Not going to work?

- Yeah, I am.
- Then get up.

What time is it? Is it late?

[vibrating]

What's vibrating? It's driving me crazy.

It's Elsa. She keeps calling me.

So, answer!

f*cking twice
doesn't mean I'll listen to you.

Oh, yeah? What if we do it a third time?

There won't be a third time. [giggles]

You live in London
and you're my brother's best friend.

[man] Hey, I'm home!

Speaking of which,
that's Antoine coming home.

Good luck sneaking out!

Wait till he's asleep
or use the fire escape.

[vibrating]

- Fire escape?
- [laughs] Yeah!

Don't remember
how you got here last night?

- [vibrating]
- Go on!

Back to stealth mode. [giggles]

- [Antoine] How was the party?
- Super fun.

I need to run to prenatal yoga
if I want a spot.

- Parental leave is not so bad.
- Hmm.

- Yoga is good for you two.
- Yeah. And for you two, as well.

- [laughs]
- Hm.

Ah! I printed out a new list for you.

[door opens]

[Milou] Later!

Love you!

[mutters] Clean the kitchen,
dust the furniture...

Sanitize the freaking toilet brush?

She's doing her nesting thing, it's super.

She's super,
we're going to have an awesome baby.

Two more months and I'll get my life back.

I'm good, I've got this.

[upbeat electronic music]

[distant clatter]

- [Milou] You guys, I'm here!
- [men] Hey, boss!

[whispers] All clear, come on!

Come on, hurry!

Quick! Out!

[music fades]

[phone rings]

[man] Hello?

Hello?

Uh...

Hi, excuse me,
can I talk to Charlotte, please?

Charlotte?

Yes, the girl you spent the night with,
apparently.

Who are you talking about? I slept alone.

If you're not with her,
how come you have my phone?

- Did you steal it? You assh*le!
- Hey, hang on! I didn't steal this phone.

- I found it.
- Of course, you found it.

- Where? In Charlotte's purse?
- No, on the bar at the puff party.

[whispers] I'm such a loser.

Well...

I'm really sorry.

Can I swing by and get it?

I can drop it off.

I'd like to see you again.

- You mean I met you before?
- No, but I saw you.

I tried chasing after you but you got
into an Uber with your friends.

How do you know which one I am, then?

Your friends had their phones out, taking
pictures of you barfing out the window.

No, no, no. No, not me.
I wasn't barfing, just breathing.

I thought you were charming.
Where do you work? I can bring your phone.

- [whispers] Yes!
- City Hall.

- OK, City Hall. 6 p.m. good?
- Sure, OK, I'll see you at 6.

- What?
- [whispers] Carousel.

- I'll wait by the carousel.
- Perfect.

- See you then.
- See you.

[giggles] Wow!

Oh, f*ck!

[Chantal] You know what?
Maybe he's the love of your life!

Come on, that's such bullshit.

A guy who flirts over the phone
is always going to be super ugly.

Otherwise, he wouldn't need to do that.

I know, I've been there.

[bells ring]

[carousel organ music]

[man] Hey.

Hello.

Here. Safe and sound.

Great, thanks.

[children playing]

- And sorry about earlier, on the phone.
- No worries, that's fine.

I'm Jules.

Jules Dupont.

Sounds made up.
[laughs awkwardly] Sorry.

Elsa.

Elsa Elsa.

- Elsa Elsa?
- Mm-hm.

[Jules] OK.

- So, that's where you work?
- Well, that's why I'm here...

- Cool.
- Yeah, cool.

Thanks for bringing my phone, um...

- I'm going.
- You don't have a minute to...

ride on the carousel?

[Elsa clears her throat]
You want me to barf again? Sorry.

It's been nice and thanks again,
Jules Dupont. [laughs]

Later, alligator.

I hope so.

[Milou] "Later, alligator?"

- [Elsa] Yeah...
- Who says that?

- Nobody over eight.
- Think you're Amy Schumer?

No...

- You don't know why you said it.
- No, I...

- [Charlotte] Hey.
- [bartender] Hey!

I'm sorry, guys, I got pulled over.

- Almost lost my license.
- [Milou] How did you get out of it?

- Oh, no, I don't want to know.
- Relax!

It's a joke. I might be the only one
getting laid but I'm no whore.

Did you thank Matthieu
for the job at the party?

Uh, yeah, of course, but friends
helping friends is no big deal.

- What's up with Elsa?
- Typical Elsa stuff.

A gorgeous guy returned her phone
and offered her a carousel ride

but dummy here said no.

And did she lose her tongue, too?

Can we find him on Google? Facebook?

- [Elsa] No...
- Twitter?

- There must be a million Jules Duponts.
- Right, f*ck.

[Charlotte] Don't worry,
we'll find him, I can feel it.

- He was at the party, right?
- [Elsa] Yeah, so?

Simple, he wasn't there alone.
See if he shows up in your pics.

Maybe we have friends in common.

- [Charlotte] Go through all of them.
- [Elsa] We'll never find him.

- [Elsa gasps] That's him!
- [Charlotte] No way!

[Milou] You found him?

[Milou gasps]

[Milou] "Dinner Friday night
at Roger la Grenouille, 8 p.m.?"

[Milou gasps] There's his phone number!

That's some serious Amélie sh*t.

- [Charlotte] Lucky you!
- [Elsa] No.

- No, no, no.
- [Charlotte] What?

No because...

- Because what?
- Why not?

Look at him, he looks like...

some sort of GQ model, you know?

His tan looks fake, his smile is fake too.
Look at that pose, it's super weird.

- I think it's nice.
- I bet he wears tighty-whities.

- No, no.
- Listen, you're going.

- No two ways about it.
- [Charlotte] I agree. You're going.

That's it, you're going!

If you dare mention your ex even once,
I will m*rder you. You got me?

[chatter and piano music]

See, Maxime had
a kind of narcissistic pervert side.

You know about narcissistic perverts?

It's totally different
from sexual perversion.

I mean, well, sex with him was always...

a very special experience.

But Maxime wasn't acting pervy
or anything, you know.

No, no, no.

The problem is, today,

people tend to employ that term a lot,
you know what I mean?

Yeah, absolutely.

Hey...

- Look at me.
- Why?

- [Elsa] Ah...
- [Jules] I just want to see your eyes.

- I can't see anything without my glasses.
- Really?

Check the menu?

- [Elsa] I am starving! Let's see.
- [waiter] The check, young man?

[Jules] Not yet, I guess we're...

staying for a bite.

Our specialties are the homemade
andouillette and our foie gras confit.

- Ooh...
- Oh, man, you're a vegan, I bet!

Oh, no. Oh, no.
Whoa, no, no, no. For sure, no.

My friends even call me Madame Pork!

Not because I'm always porking,

because I eat like a pig, you know?

It's not anything weird or...

- [Jules] Hmm...
- [Elsa sighs]

- Mixed plate?
- Mixed plate.

[waiter]
One mixed plate for the lovebirds!

- Coming up!
- Whatever.

[Elsa] So...and you?

Tell me all about yourself.

Sure.

You are the boss.
So, what do you want to know?

Well, what do you do for a living?

[piano music]

I'm a teacher.

- No way!
- Mm-hm.

- Funny, I would never have guessed.
- I only teach elementary school.

After eight years old, really,
I can't keep up with them.

That was a joke.

Of course. Of course, yeah...

No, I actually thought you were dumber
than an eight-year-old.

- I freaked out.
- All right!

- You're funny. Mm.
- Hm.

[Elsa] That's great. That's great.

She stopped responding.

[gasps] Do you think he k*lled her?
That happens!

- She's a big girl. Stop harassing her.
- [Milou] It's stressing me out!

- I don't want her to get hurt again.
- Not this time.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

- Talking about me?
- Of course we are, who else?

No, we hear enough about you
every time Elsa is around.

So, what can I say?

Oh, I could tell you

that I love my job,
that I have a great apartment,

and the best friends anyone could have.

I'm currently single
but it's my choice, you know.

A woman doesn't need a man
to be happy anyway.

- [Elsa] Hm.
- I completely agree.

What about you?

Same. I never needed a man
to be happy, either.

[jaunty piano music]

[instrumental
"Ta Katie t'a quitté" by Boby Lapointe]

[sings along]
♪ As his Katie, his pretty Katie ♪

♪ She just chucked him out
His Katie chucked him out ♪

[both sing] ♪ And he's drawn a blank ♪

♪ This old grand duke with his schemes
And his white Russian tips and tricks ♪

♪ My tactic was tacky
Says Igor in a snore ♪

♪ Blind drunk on the bar counter ♪

♪ A white Russian feeling blue ♪

♪ Strange stroke of fate!
Ribald revelers chuckle away ♪

♪ Igor, once more, emits a snore
But here by his ear ♪

♪ Marvel! It's a silver clock
Giving him hints and tips ♪

♪ In his deep slumber ♪

♪ Tick-tock, tick-tock
Your Katie chucked you out ♪

♪ Tick-tock, tick-tock
Your Katie chucked you out ♪

♪ Tick-tock, tick-tock...♪

- I can't believe you know that song!
- I do!

I love Boby Lapointe.

I didn't know that.

[piano continues in the background]

Hurry, it's freezing.
You and your cigs are a pain in the ass.

- Give me a break!
- [phone chimes]

Ah!

The guy knows Boby Lapointe.

- [Milou] It's like he knows her already.
- What?

[Milou] What, what?

- I didn't know that.
- How could you?

Yeah.

Would you have sex in her dad's
waiting room? On that couch.

- I don't know.
- [Charlotte] Yes or no?

- Yeah? After office hours.
- Yeah...

Of course. That's perfect.

I'm sure Elsa wouldn't put out
on the first date. I told her not to.

Actually, not putting out
on the first date is a bitchy move.

- Really?
- Really bitchy.

Can we ditch the guys?
I'm getting really cold.

- Sure.
- [Milou sighs]

[Elsa] Yeah, it's so typical, you know?

[giggling]

[Elsa] Yeah...

I'm sorry.

No problem. Can I give you a ride home?

No, no, no need, I'm fine, I...

- I'll see myself home, like a big girl.
- You sure?

Was it such a bad date?

I survived.

No, but...

let's talk tomorrow.

Sure, if you just give me your number.

[beeps]

You have enough space
on that prehistoric thing? [laughs]

- I have your number, I'll call you.
- OK.

Good night, Jules Dupont.

Good night, Madame Pork.

[mutters] Come on, what are you doing?

So lame.

Don't take that street!

Are you dumb or what?

Why is he going that way?

He's going around the block.
Follow the f*cking map!

[Milou] Look!

[Charlotte scoffs]
I'll light up, that always works.

f*ck!

- Crazy that he uses an old phone, huh?
- Mm-hm.

She never shuts up about guys
and their iPhones and boom!

- It must be fate.
- He let her leave. So, he's not a psycho.

[car approaches]

[Milou] Ah, gold star, Amine!

Yes, it's us.

[Charlotte chuckles]

[Charlotte] What is up with him?
What a jackass.

[driver] Are you Emilie?

I'm happy to see you,
I don't have the keys.

So, yeah, I had three auditions today.

It was...

It was challenging but, you know,
that's what it takes to make it.

Hm, right. And, also, I started
teaching acting in a prison.

I'm an emotional sponge
so it's been hard, I won't lie.

Some guys are scary but,
you know, they are people, too.

Yeah, yeah, I'll tell you everything.

Bye, yeah, love you too.

- She's so f*cking funny.
- [both laugh]

It was your mom.

- She didn't want to talk to me?
- I think she likes me better.

- I thought you were working tonight?
- I was.

- Wow, you're home early.
- Yeah.

- Can you believe it?
- Believe what?

Well...

Elsa didn't meet anyone for two years

and the first man who tolerates her
for more than two minutes is a slam dunk.

Avoid Saint-Lazare train station, please.

[Milou] Waze isn't God.

It's almost too good to be true, right?

No one knows where
Cupid's whimsical arrows will end.

Charlotte, look at me.

- [sighs] Traffic is unbelievable tonight.
- Charlotte, look at me.

What?

Come on, spill it.

- Spill what?
- Your poker face can't fool me.

Something is up.

You're not looking at me!

You gave me the most genius idea!

You? A genius idea?
Now I'm getting worried.

Remember you said
you'd pay to help Elsa feel better?

What did you do?

He's a hooker.

What do you mean?

Jules! Her super date.
He's a hooker, a male hooker.

- What are you talking about?
- I got him to save her.

She needs a good f*ck.

Tell me you're kidding. Seriously.
You're kidding, right?

Charlotte, it was a joke, right?

No, it's true, why?

Wait a sec,
our boy is not a discount gigolo.

- Oh...
- Oh, no.

Our bitch is super top, top, top shelf.
No, top, top, top, top, top, top.

[upbeat music]

[music turns into theme tune]