01x06 - The Lame Plan

[bunniefuu]

Was he paid to be at her birthday?

Don't you think there were better ideas?

Like, uh, therapy or a yoga retreat

or something to cuddle with
like a teddy bear or...

a hamster, or even just a stripper!

- You're out of your mind.
- Go cuddle with your blogger, then!

Oh, jealousy,
that's a couple's thing. Careful.

- Please don't tell the others or else...
- Or what? You'll break up with me?

You can't do that.
If we're not together, you can't dump me.

- Shut up. Shut up!
- I mean, it's a fact.

- [Matthieu] If we were a couple...
- [Charlotte] Shut up!

[Matthieu]
So, you're never going to tell Elsa?

[Charlotte] Kisses!



THE LAME PLAN

THE CRAZY PLAN

THE BOOTY PLAN

THE HOOK-UP PLAN

You don't know his address?
You have no way to reach him?

- No email, no Snapchat, no Skype ID?
- No. Nothing.

If he hasn't come back, it's hopeless.

Of course, come on.

These days, who lives without their phone
for more than an hour? An Amish?

Something's strange.

There is no one in his contacts
and his messages are all erased.

An Amish with no friends, yeah.
Or a t*rror1st.

- For real?
- Or maybe he just wants to dump you.

- [Charlotte] Still no news?
- [Milou] For real, forget about him.

- [Charlotte] How are you doing?
- Fine.

Ah!

You wouldn't hide it if you said something
to him at the party, right?

- [phone chimes]
- [Milou] Ah! Speak of the devil.

Is it him?

- [Milou] So, is it him or not?
- [Elsa] Uh...

[Elsa] sh*t!

- [Elsa] Anaïs just showed up.
- Oh! Ah.

- [upbeat music]
- [door opens]

[Anaïs] Hey, little sis!

[giggles]

- [Elsa] Hi.
- Hey!

[Anaïs] Hm, my chublet!

I'm just passing through Europe for work.
Got a day off in Paris!

- That's cool.
- [Anaïs] Yeah.

- I couldn't miss my birthday girl!
- [Elsa] Of course not.

I just called your mother.
I think I woke her up.

{\an8}BIZET HOSPITAL

[upbeat music fades]

You're pretty.

Thanks. You too.

Emilie, right?

What's up between you two?

[beeping]

I don't know. And between you?

From what I've read,
you know just about all.

I nearly got married when I was 20...

but the guy I was supposed
to marry said no...

at the altar.

Hm.

Antoine couldn't tell you,
he doesn't know about it.

[Manon] I'm sorry.

You know what?

Twelve years later, I'm still scared
it could happen to me again.

Nothing happened.

He's miserable with me, isn't he?

[Manon] He's the one you should ask,
don't you think?

[Antoine] Dude, how can you run
after the party last night?

I'm a beast. [chuckles]

[Antoine] Quit your bullshit,
you'll never be ready for this race!

Don't worry about me, guys.

He sees Elsa's new boyfriend,
he starts training again.

Nothing to do with that.
Why do you say that?

- Why is he saying that?
- Because Jules is in great shape.

In great shape? You kidding me?
The guy is a lightweight!

I've seen chickens with more calf muscles.

- He's a boxer so if you ask me...
- If I ask you? Well, no one asked you.

Come on, grab my water, please.

Antoine! Come on,
get moving already! Keep up!

Matt f*cked all night and he's Mr. Energy!

Not true, promise.

I think that guy, Jules,
was super nice, don't you?

[scoffs] He's a show-off
and a douche with no sense of humor.

Don't be a d*ck, that guy is the best.
And plus, he's a chick magnet.

- He's a schoolteacher.
- What a career!

It's the most selfless job,
chicks dig that.

And he digs spending paychecks
on $1,000-shoes.

Max, please don't f*ck it up.

- [Max] What?
- Hm.

- Are you running or what?
- Yeah, I'm going!

[Roman] Put it on, Anita.

There.

[gasps] It's crazy,
it looks just like I remember!

- Oh, my!
- It's amazing, isn't it? Huh?

You go to Lisbon
without having to leave Paris.

Ultimate luxury.

- And wait for the final touch. There.
- [fado music]

[laughter]

[Anita hums along to the music]

[Roman] You thinking about Elsa?

[Anita continues to hum along]

Remember why you started this job?

For this wonderful lady here.

[Roman] So, chill out, you hear?

First, you save up for her golden years,
then you get to be romantic.

Run faster! You're two seconds slower.
Keep it up!

- No, he's two seconds faster.
- Got to motivate him.

- Is it me or is something up with Jules?
- No, it's all you, man.

He's the best, a selfless schoolteacher.
My sister gave me the same rundown.

- [Antoine] Did she coach you?
- No.

- Did she mess up?
- [Matthieu] I don't know.

You're lying to me now.

We've been friends for ten years,
there is nothing to know?

No. I don't know. No! I'm telling you
there's nothing to know. I swear, man.

OK, I believe you.

If you want to know stuff,
just go ask Jules, not me.

- So, there is something to know, then?
- No, no, there's nothing to know.

Just saying if I wanted to know stuff,
I'd go ask Jules.

- Why would I ask Jules if there's nothing?
- Come on now, please!

[Max] I'll crush that douche
with his chicken legs!

You're slowing down!

[Antoine] OK, fine, I'm going to see him.

[Anita] That's enough of memories
from the past.

I have to move forward now.

What? You OK, Mom? What's up?

Well, it's...
I have to vacate the apartment.

What do you mean?

I didn't want to bother you
with my problems again.

My landlord was nice,
my contract ended about two months ago.

The new caretaker will move in
in three months.

[Jules] In three months?

They can't just kick you out of the place,
where will you go?

[sobs] I have no idea.

[sighs] Oh, f*ck.

- [Elsa] Thank you, Daddy.
- [mom] I'm so tired. [sighs]

- [mom sighs]
- Ah!

- I almost forgot!
- [mom] What?

- Ta-da!
- [gasps] Oh!

[Anaïs] Of course!
And a small one for Mom too.

I was in the duty-free
and I couldn't help myself.

We said no splurging!
It's so nice of you, sweetie! [gasps]

Wow!

Oh, baby, it's too much!

[gasps] It's beautiful,
don't you think, Elsa?

- [Anaïs] Dammit, Mom.
- Well, I'm going for a smoke.

- She smokes now?
- And she fucks guys.

[footsteps retreat]

But...

[Elsa sighs]

[Anaïs] Wow!

It sure is a change
from your Eminem posters.

So...

How about City Hall?
Doesn't suck too much?

- No.
- Not getting too much sun?

And with your boyfriend, all good?

You're all dressed up,
you're talking back to Mom, you know.

There must be a reason for that.

I mean...[sighs]

- Tell me.
- [Elsa] I don't know what to say.

- Why?
- It's weird because...

he forgot his phone at my party

and that was the only means I had
to reach him so that sucks.

- It blows, yeah.
- Totally.

[Anaïs] But there must be a way
to track him down.

You could have called me, you know.

I live 6,000 miles away,
always between two flights.

[Anaïs] I'm so jetlagged
I never know what day is today.

- Me, I'm always between Mommy and Daddy.
- [Anaïs] Ouch.

That's a hell of a jetlag.

[Anaïs] Singapore is cool and all.

[sighs] But I miss Paris.

And...

your sister?

My sister, what?

- Do you miss her a little bit too?
- Hmm?

If she has to ask,
maybe I don't tell her enough.

Are you mad at me for leaving, chublet?

Of course not, it's just...

I think we don't have the same view
of what traveling is, that's all.

[birds chirping]

- And stop calling me "chublet," would you?
- What?

I'm not chubby anymore,
I recently de-chubbed, and I grew up.

Yeah, I can see that. [chuckles]

You are beautiful.

So...

there must be a way to find
your boyfriend's address?

- I don't know...
- Like maybe he...

He came to your party with someone?

- He did!
- Ha!

Well, yes, yes, yes, he did!

[jazzy electronic music]

[Elsa reads under her breath]
"Roman Karic, Julio Saldenha.

In the courtyard."

[doorbell]

Uh...

Sorry, am I interrupting?

No, of course not, no.

I'm preparing a lesson.
Latin bunny-teacher!

Kids love it and they pay more attention.
Jules told you to come by?

- No.
- Yeah, because he's not here.

He left for the evening.

How did you know our address?

- Uh, Chantalou?
- What?

Uh, Chantal. You shared
an Uber with her last night and so...

- Oh, I see, yeah.
- And I know she dropped you off here.

[Elsa clears her throat]

Julio Saldenha.

No, Julio was my previous roommate.
A super cool guy.

But the real Jules, Jules Dupont,
that you know, yeah,

gets his mail at his mom's place,
at Anita's.

Ah. Uh...Anita...

- [Elsa] Anita Dupont?
- No, absolutely not.

Uh, yes, of course, Jules Dupont.

Yes, Anita Dupont.
Yeah, it makes perfect sense.

Could you please, um...

- Could you return his cell phone?
- Yeah.

At least, he'll be able to call me.
I haven't heard from him at all.

- No problem. Super.
- [Elsa] Thanks.

OK.

- See you. Ciao!
- [Roman] Ciao!

Boxing every Sunday at 5,
in the 8th arrondissement.

You're not Mike Tyson yet
but it's good for blowing off steam.

What are you here for? Training?

No. You never saw me,
I'm not here, I'm at work.

So...

Elsa's into you.

I'll be pissed
if she's falling for a liar.

But you did come to her birthday party

so either you're dumb as f*ck
or you're into her.

I admit, I'm really into her.

I'm only ghosting her
because I don't know what to do.

Well, I'm here to help you.

But you have to tell me everything.

What you're doing, who you are.

Hm?

Come on, I'll buy you a beer.

You talked to him at the end.
Why did you do that?

Because I already met him.

You know Jules?
You know him and you didn't say anything?

Since you heard Elsa's got
a new boyfriend, he's all you talk about.

It's unbearable.

- So, where did you meet him?
- A bar in a hotel, a few days ago.

I was having a meeting
with a super annoying writer.

- He sat at a table next to ours.
- Was he alone?

- Was he alone? Tell me!
- No.

And she wasn't his mother.
Or they were disturbingly close.

f*ck, I knew it!

Max, you know what?

- You're marrying me in 362 days.
- Yeah.

Deal with any ambiguous feelings towards
your ex and focus on our wedding, OK?

- With me, it's all or nothing.
- With me too.

I don't think you get my meaning.

- Why are we a couple, then?
- Because you love me.

[scoffs]

- [Gaïa] Are you f*cking with me?
- [sighs] I'm so sorry.

- Elsa!
- [Gaïa] It's Gaïa, assh*le!

[Elsa] I see. Thank you, bye.

No Julio Saldenha
at the Simone Veil school.

And of course no Jules Dupont.

What an idiot!

And my friends get weird
every time I talk about him.

OK, we're launching Operation
"Who the f*ck is Jules?"

[Chantal] Three steps.

One, you go back to his place.
Two, you kick the sh*t out of him.

After that?

You know...

His sh*t will be kicked out.

OK...

[jazzy electronic music]

[doorman] Good afternoon, madam.

[music fades]

- Hey!
- How are you?

[gentle piano music]

Fine.

- Ah, you put the shirt on. Good boy.
- Yeah.

- Here.
- [Jules] Thanks.

So, this summer,
I have Fati until the 15th.

So, I'm thinking Capri.
I've never been to Capri.

It's supposed to be great.

[chuckles] I even bought you
a Gucci Speedo, you'll love it.

[chuckles] Thanks a million.

[gentle piano music continues]

Valérie, I have to ask something.

Well, I mean, I need a favor.
For my mother. Between friends, you know?

- What's wrong? I hope she's not sick.
- No, no, she's fine, thanks.

No elementary school today?

- You're giving private lessons?
- I'll explain everything.

Don't bother explaining,
everything is clear.

Julio Saldenha?

Valérie Ziegler-Lagarde,
Department of Education.

Special projects,
Montessori, London, New York.

Nice to meet you.

- Same here.
- Uh, so, I work with Julio.

Well, I was working because I could tell
he was less dedicated lately.

That's when I realized he was developing
his own program on the down-low.

So, we're celebrating his departure
from my service as friends do.

- Right, my friend?
- Right.

Exactly. Um...

Could we maybe see each other, talk?
Uh, I don't know, tonight?

Say eight, your favorite bar?
Works for you?

Sure.

- Have a good one, Miss...
- [Elsa] You too.

[gentle piano music continues]

[sighs] f*ck!

[Jules] Thank you.

[phone rings]

Come on.

Hi, you've reached
the voicemail of Emilie Châtaigne.

Please leave a message.

[beep]

Hey, Milou, it's me, listen.

I don't know what to think anymore.

I need to talk to you guys.

I'm coming over.

Of course you guys miss me,
I know. [laughs]

Well, just start the meeting without me,
I'll be there soon. OK?

Hm.

Uh...Sure, yeah, we'll discuss it.

- Excuse me.
- But I...I'm sorry, just a sec.

Uh...So, I call you back in 30 minutes?

OK, later, bye!

I'm sorry,
this is where you do prenatal yoga?

- Yes, it's here.
- Looks painful, the nose thing.

- What the f*ck are you doing here?
- Well, I signed up...

- But what are you doing here?
- Uh...

- Namaste, Emilie.
- Namaste, Elise.

Emilie? Uh, no, I am Emilie.

- So, you're the surrogate mother?
- I'm the what?

It's beautiful to do that
for another person.

What? Do I look...

You've been skipping class for months
so thank me for getting the info you need.

You think I enjoy saluting the sun
and hearing about perineums for hours?

- You have no shame.
- Come on, it's great!

We can do it all together now,
la familia, right?

- Pass me another towel, Elise, please.
- Sure.

- Thanks.
- Oh, you got the whole shebang.

- Wait.
- Thanks.

Ah, uh...[sighs]

- The phone is...
- Wait, it's Antoine.

- Elsa is at our place.
- She's home?

Come on, we've got to go
and I need to change. Thanks.

- Namaste, namaste!
- Namaste, yeah.

Wait, what did you just do, Antoine?

- [Elsa] Did you shake your head no?
- No.

He refused to tell me anything,
what's wrong?

Go ahead, tell her.

Well, I f*cked up, Elsa.

I'm sure you'll hate me
but you really need to know so...

She's dating Matt.

- What?
- You're the only one who doesn't know.

- It's been two months.
- Oh, f*ck, Milou.

Right, Matt? Come on down!
We all know you're here.

- He's upstairs?
- Yeah!

You can't pretend
you're just friends forever.

- Are you for real, Milou?
- Why did you hide it from me?

- [Charlotte] We're not "together."
- But why?

[Matthieu] Hey, guys.

- OK...
- [Antoine] Right.

- Time to tell the truth.
- [Charlotte] What truth?

She already knows Milou goes
to work every day and not to yoga.

- You what?
- Yeah.

- And Matt got fired from his job.
- [all] What?

Do you really think this should be
about me now, seriously?

Time to take responsibility,
don't you think?

Like maybe talk about Jules?

[Antoine] Hm.

What, but why?

Why? What's up with Jules?

What? What's wrong with Jules?

Uh...

- It was Charlotte's idea.
- What the f*ck are you talking about?

Worst idea ever.
Like all your ideas, really.

Let me remind you,
you paid for the third date.

- [Elsa] Paid?
- That's on you.

What do you mean paid for a date?
What did you pay for?

Did you pay...

Did you pay Jules?

[Elsa] I don't get it.

- And...
- [Elsa] And what? What else?

I can't believe this,
you all knew about it?

Come on now, tell me everything!

[gentle piano music]

[shouts] f*cking tell me!

- Well...Jules is...
- Jules is what?

- That's his job, to...
- What about his job? What is it?

I don't understand, just tell me,
what's the problem, what's his job?

- prost*tute. Jules is a hooker.
- Bullshit.

[Elsa] That's crazy, he can't be.

He can't be a prost*tute.

[melancholy music]

So...

- It's not real. Everything is fake.
- [Charlotte] We wanted to cheer you up.

- You always seemed so sad.
- We're really sorry.

- We just wanted to help and save you.
- [shouts] To save me?

To save me from what exactly?
Am I that pathetic to you all?

No.

[Elsa] Don't touch me.

I never want to see you again.
I don't want to see you or you.

Or either of you guys.

I want you out of my life.

[door slams]

[melancholy music continues]

[sniffs]

[music fades]

It really is all your fault.

Say what?

Are you serious? Who said
"Let's call back the man-whore"?

[scoffs] Your money issues,
your employment problems

and half-brained plans.

You wanted a big f*ck-up
on top of everything, huh?

f*ck you and your f*cking superiority!

Then, tell me, apart from goofing around,
what are your plans in life?

Leeching on your brother and I, huh?

Ruining Elsa's attempts at love
while you f*ck Matt on the sly?

I'm listening. Go ahead. Huh?

Nothing, I knew it.

A loser. That's what you are.
You're a loser.

- I'm so stupid I could f*cking cry.
- Something we agree on, for once.

I can't believe how many times
I tried to defend you!

"No, Em isn't a bitch who treats her man
like a butler or her friends like sh*t."

"She's not a bougie snob
raised by f*cking fascists."

- They're not fascists.
- Let's just call them very right-wing.

Then move out of my very right-wing
parents' free room, OK?

Amazing how wrong I was.

Do you see yourself as a mother, honestly?

You're nothing, Emilie. You're hollow.
You have no soul, no f*cking heart.

Completely empty.

I wouldn't look at you if you weren't
with Antoine, if you even are.

Well, you'd better take a good look

because it's the last time
I ever waste my energy with you.

[melancholy music resumes]

[Charlotte sobs]

[sniffs]

[melancholy music turns into theme tune]