03x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

The following program contains
strong language, v*olence,

and adult humour from the start.

Now I am not going to get cross
with you. Alright?

Just tell me how it went
so badly wrong.

I don't know Vincent,
I don't f*cking know.

I thought we had pulled it off. All
I know is I am supposed

to lose the race and guess what,
I lost the f*cking race.

Just in a slightly different way to
what we had anticipated...

Simple, wasn't it?
Was it not a simple plan?

You grab the jockey that's
riding the favourite...

Switch it out with knobhead...

He fucks the race up and loses.

Gerry's horse comes in and
we all get paid.

Tell me how you ballsed it up.

I'll tell you where it
happened. This prick here

and his inherit sizeist attitude...

Get to f*ck.
Ashley Dennings?

What? All I said was that the
jockeys, all look the same...

Oh, there we go. Prejudice
raises its ugly head!

And he's branding me a sizeist.

They f*cking do all look the same -
in their matching satin outfits.

All walking one by one with each
other like a little

vindictive fairy tale...
Rude!

I'm sorry. I grabbed
the wrong f*cking jockey.

It wasn't just the wrong jockey -
you grabbed the jockey we

wanted to win the race and you
left the favourite to win it.

Knobhead on Gerry's horse.

Go on Tommo!

Where the f*ck is he? Where is he?

-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.org ] ==-

I never said I could ride a horse.
That was you lot,

and your nasty
little assumptions based on,

thank you very much, my
diminutive stature.

They have chimps riding
horses in the circus.

We shoulda just got a chimp.
Dickhead.

It wouldn't have made a
f*cking difference, you...

you got on the wrong f*cking horse
is what you did alright?!

You cost Gerry sixteen grand.
F-ffuck.

It's a lot of money. f*ck's sake,
now we owe him sixteen grand...

Y'know what I am saying?!
It's our balls up.

Again!
(PHONE RINGS)

Fiddly dee, I wonder
who this could be?!

Erin...
It's f*cking Gerry you knobend.

121 missed calls.

f*ck me!

Vin...

Sorry we're full up today so if
you can just go down the other end-

Alright love, I am getting it.

I said I'll get it, so I'll get it.

Honestly, what are you
stressing about?

I'll tell you why I'm stressing.

There's gonna be twenty five sugared
up eight year olds running riot

round here in less than four hours'
time along with their mega snobby

nosey mothers who'd love nothing
more than me to f*ck this up.

Oh and on top of that, on top of
that I'm meant to be

relaunching a club and I've
found out the flyers haven't been

handed out, which means we are going
to have no f*cking customers-

Right, where do you want
me? What can I do?

Hang on.

Excuse me, out boys, thank you...

No chance.

Mate, it's a kid's party not
some stag do in the 'dam.

Go on.

Oh, it's getting worse. Go on.

Stop making words for a second...
Cos I am here,

and I am looking
at the cake right now. Jesus, they
are brilliant aren't they...

Are ya?
Yeah, they are amazing at what
they can do. Look at that...

They've spelt everything correctly?

f*cking hilarious, y'know I
am bad with reading stuff...

What is it supposed to say?

It says 'Vinnie you're having a
f*cking laugh if you
think I'm that daft'.

That's a lot to fit on
one cake innit.

Just get the cake here, pronto.
Right, don't let me down Vin...

I won't let you down, when have
I ev- She's gone.

She's just gone.

Oh yeah, sh*t...
Have that...

JJ?
Vincent?

Are you still after a Rolls, you?

Yeah. What's the condition?

It's mint. Classic. Deep blue.

91 plate...
Yeah. How about the interior?

Cream leather.

Oh, my flipping God, yeah,
yeah, get it, get it.

Get it? Oh!

Oi listen. Drive carefully right and
don't do anything stupid like taking

any of them lot for a ride in it.
Oi, knobhead,
you are on speaker phone.

Good. Well flipping well make sure
none of you chimps touch anything.

And that is especially you, Tommo,
with your dangly little legs

and dirty size four shoes.
They are size six.

Scratch it and I'll scratch
you. Comprendez?

Com... Com... Completely.

Vin, can we stop for chips?
No, we can't stop for chips.

Why not?
Cos we've got to drop this
off haven't we?

What?
Here yar- Sorry, how do we get
bluetooth on?

Menu, settings, bluetooth.

Why do you need the bluetooth?
Chips afterwards, how's that?

But it's on the way...
Never mind if it's on the way...

Where are you... No. Come
back here you bastards!

Oh f*ck.
What's going on?

Cream donut.
Cream donut, where did you
get a cream donut?

Had it on me.
What, in your pocket?

Yeah?
Oh, Christ. Asked you to keep your
eye on him, it's a posh car y'know.

JJ's been after one of
these for f*cking ages.

Honestly this could sort us out
y'know, set us straight with

Gerry and that.
I am gonna bell that twat.

Now then Gerry love-
You've got some neck phoning me,
you balding little prick.

H- way now, come on...

Give me a chance to say, I'm
going to sort your money out.

I can get you
a chunk of it today Gez.

It's too late for that, Vinnie.
What?

I've sold the debt on.
What?

I've cut my losses and
I've sold the debt.

You no longer owe me
the sixteen g's.

f*ck dude,
who've you sold it to then?

The MacDonaghs.
Oh f*ck off.

You f*cking could've given me
some time there!

You've had time. Plenty of it.

You dodged all my calls and
showed me no courtesy.

You forced my hand, Vinnie.
You know what they are like.

They are nutcases.

My advice to you is settle the debt
with them lunatics before the

interest starts piling up and
spiralling out of control.

f*ck me. The MacDonaghs?

Devon Lewis owed them a grand six
months ago, now it's twelve.

He's a f*cking window cleaner, how's
he gonna pay them back?
Especially with two broken ankles.

MacDonaghs nicked his ladder when he
was doing a third-floor window.
f*ck me, that's all I need innit.

How are you now?

What?

How? Don't rip the piss of us...

Grand, yeah, we're on the
way. We're on the way...

What's going on?
It's me Uncle Francis.
He wants to see you.

What's Uncle Francis want to see me
for dude? He doesn't like me at all.

Something's happened to Doolan.
He's not got engaged again, has he?

(ALL LAUGHING)
He's been kidnapped.

He went out yesterday morning, the
last thing he said to me was

'I love you, Mammie.

I'll see youse in a bit' but
then he never came back.

Don't worry Clodagh. Doolan'll be
back, you'll see him back in one
piece real soon.

Happen he got lost or
y'know... Or engaged again?

He likes getting engaged.
That's true.

He's romantic like that.
Sixteen engagements is beyond
romantic. It's pathological.

Don't you feckin talk ill of your
poor brother, not while he's

in his hour of need.

I mean do we know who's taken him?
Stupid f*cking question.

The list's as long as your arm.

Take your pick from any
of sixteen jilted brides

or their humiliated fathers
for starters.

That fella he fell out with over
the whole business with the
weasels and the caravan?

Yeah...

They after sending a note.

Ta.

'Give us twenty grand,

Or Doolan get...

Get sit.'

'Doolan gets it'.
Get's it, yeah.

'Nockops'? Nockops? Dyl... Nockops,
what does that say?

'No cops'.
No cops- Christ...

Or funny 'bus in ass'?

Business.
'Or we'll do him in.
Send a gadjo with...'

f*cking hell, 'We'll be in touch'
Gadjo?

Yeah, a f*cking gadjo...

What's a fuckin Gadjo?
Youse. Youse are fuckin gadjos.

I'm a gadjo?
You're a gadjo.

And I'm a gadjo am I?
That there is a term
for a non-gypsy.

Just say that then...

You're the only gadjo we
can trust.

And the only one we know.

And some random gadjo might not
appreciate what would happen to him
if he crossed us.

You, you f*cking know.

They sent a burner phone and said
they'll ring today so keep it on.

And if you miss it, on your
f*cking head be it.

Franny, is there not someone who's
a bit more suited to this?

I am just very thin man and...
You won't let us down Vinnie,

It's a big old responsibility
though this, y'know?

And I don't want to be late for
picking up this cake later...

I fecking told you, he's
a waste of fecking space.

We are asking you to save a man's
life here and you are pissing

and shiteing on about cake.
I'll do it. I'll do it.

Too f*cking right you will, boy.

Ta...

Twenty grand. No funny business.
They call.

You go straight down to the drop off
point and leave it exactly where
they tell you to. Done.

We're counting on you to get him
back for us, Vinnie.

Erin. "Where the f*ck are you?
We are open tonight" - f*ck you.

What's that about?
f*ck her.

Thinks she can demote me
from my own club and expect me to
dance to her tune?

No thank you very much sunshine...
I made that place what it is right?

And so help me God,

I will turn up whenever the
f*ck I want too.

I think that is why that place
is what it is, Tommo.

f*ck off.

Tyler's birthday innit, yeah?
How old's he turning?

Twelve, thirteen?
Really?

Summat like that...

Seven. He's seven-year-old.

He's turning eight.

I suppose you don't see him
much anymore do you Dyl?

It's funny isn't it, how things
change cos you used to be

with Erin and be Tyler's dad.

And now Vin is Tyler's dad and
you ain't got anyone.

Yeah.
What do you reckon, Cardi? Think I
might have f*cked my life up?

Yeah, but you know if it weren't for
second chances, Dyl,
we'd all be alone.

I have got it. I got Tyler's cake.
Have they rang?

Defend that with your life.
What-?
Got it?

Yes.
Get both phones on, get them
on bluetooth...

Dyl, just check it is on...
I just checked it two
minutes ago when you asked me then.

It's on.
Is it on silent-?

It's not on fuckin
silent. Will you relax.

f*ck me, Francis really f*cking
puts you on edge.

He does yeah, and I
swear to God, I just...

I don't know what I do to get on
his tits, since I have been a

little lad, he's always hated
me, hasn't he?

Hateful man. Hates everyone.
He's never liked me.

He's only ponying up for Doolan's
ransom because my Nan made him,

like forced him to
literally do it like...

Hang on. Maybe there's a way of
making this worth our while.

Go on?
What I am thinking is this.

We swap out the ransom money, we
stake out the drop spot,

we follow the kidnappers, we rescue
Doolan of course and keep the
money for ourselves.

We still have enough to pay off
the MacDonaghs and we keep a
cheeky four grand afterwards.

How's about that?
We are not doing that.

Franny is a grade A lunatic.

He is a nuclear w*apon, he's
just looking for a reason to

go off, there's no way on God's
green earth I am piss farting
around with his dollar.

We are doing this by the book boys.
We are gonna go to the kidnappers,
we are gonna drop that money off.

Save Doolan. Be bloody heroes and
off we go to Tyler's birthday party

with his lovely cake.
Grand. Thank you.

Thomas.
Okay, fair enough then.

And we need fuel.

Right, you, Are you gonna be a good
lad and hang on in there?

Yeah. Yeah.
Do you want anything?

No, I'm good. I'm cutting
down actually.

Carol's got me on these diet pills.
I haven't had a poo
in three days so.

I don't think that's good though
Cardi, not pooing in 3 days.

I'll take that with me actually.
Just remove temptation.

Dude, I am not going to eat
Tyler's b-birthday cake.

It's important.
You guard that ransom.

(FARTS)
Oh.

Oh no.

Oh Christ...

If I was looking at doing a ransom
drop off, I'd be thinking about
here, Coldwell Caverns.

No, you need to think escape routes.

Coldwell Caverns is full of shitty
back lanes, too easy to block.

They're going to be looking for
access to a motorway
where they can just disappear.

Or a helipad.

What about that forest we
used to piss around in?

I wouldn't go in there for a minute.

Wilton f*cking Forest?
There’s loads of options there.
Perfect for a ransom drop.

That's a bridal path.
What, for weddings?

For horses, Cardi...

Oh f*ck, what are you doing here?

What are you doing here?
I went for a poo.

Oh my god the 20 grand.
CARDI!

(ALL CLAMOURING AND SHOUTING)

Jesus Christ.

Give me the cake.

f*cking farmers, sh*t!
Mother fucker.

Oh. Hey. Hey.
One job. One f*cking job.

Oh f*ck me, it's
ringing. Ringing. Ringing.

Hello?
Bring the money to
Stenner Bluff in one hour.

Follow the path down from the
visitor's car park.

Can we just... just- Can we just
shove this bitch back by an hour?

It's dinner time.
Me mate has got glands, he's low
blood pressure stuff...

Be there with the money as
instructed or we burn the
gypsy to death.

f*ck.
All good yeah.

Not good, no. We need to get the
money to them pronto or they are
gonna burn Doolan to death.

Oh, for Jesus' sake lads.

Right. We need a motor.
Now. We need a motor now.

Come on then think then!
JJ!
f*cking JJ.

JJ!

JJ! Oh thank f*ck.

JJ, we need a motor f*cking pronto.

Why? I mean what could you
possibly need a motor for?

What the f*ck does it matter JJ?
My Uncle Doolan's life is on
the f*cking line.

We lost the Roll's man, come on.

Oh, okay well y'know actually, don't
worry about that because the

client has now changed his mind.
JJ! We need a motor dude, now!

I haven't got one.
What's that under there?

Nothing.
What the f*ck is that under there?

You are up to some sh*t!
No.
Get hold of it.

Vin. Vin. Vin. Vin. Vin! No.

f*cking hell. sh*t!

m*therf*cker.

You better have a f*cking good
explanation for this pally boy.

Just calm down alright because
this is not what it seems.

Is it not?!
f*cking bag's gone.

What bag?
The bag that was in the car
when it got stolen!

Where is it?
How's this ended up in here JJ?

It doesn't make any
f*cking sense, at all this.

Unless, are you...

Are you seeing other car thieves?

What the f*ck are you on about, that
is f*cking crazy? I am off.

Crazy is it? Explain yourself...
Now!

Come on.

I wasn't looking for anyone
else alright? They came to me!

To begin with. These two
f*cking young joyriders.

They had this car, and
they wanted to know if I'd take it.

And I said I don't need it. I told
them I had a guy that sorts me out.

But then they just offered it to me
for next to nothing and...

I don't know, y'know,
maybe I was flattered.
Oh!

A few weeks went past
and I saw them again.

f*ck's sake.
Unbelievable.
They were in an A80 with alloys.

I know I f*cked up.

Alright. But it was just meant to
be like casual and easy.

Just a bit of fun. Like it
used to be with us.

Dude, we need to get going.
Son of a bitch.
I want f*cking names, now!

What? I can't give names out.
My reputation would be sh*t if
I gave up my suppliers.

So there f*cking are others?
That's it!

What are you doing? I am
not even involved.

Get the cleaners in on
Monday then shall I?

I'm gonna f*cking k*ll a fish.
Hey. Hey. Hey. Vin. Vin.

Don't you f*cking touch my fish.

sh*t Put that in your mouth.

Tommo. Don't you f*cking
touch that fish.

Get this in your
f*cking mouth, come on.
What?

Put the fish in your mouth.

If he doesn't give us any names,
chomp the sh*t out of it.

Can't sweetheart, I'm allergic.
To goldfish?

To seafood.

To f*cking seafood, since when?
Since birth?

Is that a thing?
Yeah. Yeah.

I had no idea.
Put that in your mouth.

W-W-W-What's it taste like?
Like f*cking doner meat. It's a fish
innit. Yer knobhead.

I warned you. I
f*cking warned you.

Have you just swallowed
the whole f*cking thing?

No!
Yeah. No. I can't help it.
It's like chewing gum.

It just goes straight down.

What the f*ck? Right, I am gonna
k*ll em all. f*cking take it!

Alright! Alright, I'll tell
you. I'll tell you Vin! Vin!

Right. It is going down
like Chinatown.

We are getting the
twenty grand back.

Dude! Hey! Who are
these fellas, Vin?

Have you ever heard of them? What if
they're tooled up?

We've got 23 minutes
before they burn Doolan man.

We haven't got time to think.
Ashley, do the door.

Get in here!

Who the f*ck are you?

You f*cking turd.
You Kaden or Reece Williams are yer?

Hey? You f*cking are you
pair of twats.

That's mine you mother f*ckers.

Is this what they teach you at
school is it? Dyl. Mind the cake!

Is this what they teach you?
f*cking robbing cars and bloody
nicking cash and that?

Don't go to fuckin school.
f*cking mind your language.

Hey, have some f*cking respect for
your bloody elders is what
you should do.

What for?
Because!
We've been in wars for you pal.

What for?
To make you free.

What for?
I'll tell you what for.

So, you can piss fart around on your
xbox... Smoking f*cking weed.

And platting your hair. Alright?
What would your f*cking mam have to
say about all this?

Mam?
What?

Some knobhead wants to know
what you think about summat.

Who the f*ck has done that to my
door? Who is this lot?

Is this your mam?
Mmhm.

She’s a f*cking midget. Go ahead!

Who are you?
I'll tell you who the f*ck I am.

Madam. I am concerned standing up-
Up-standing.

f*cking- up-standing
citizen who, just this morning,

had his motor
vehicle misappropriated
by these two fuckwits here.

And I am telling you now,

they are on a one track path
to recinnivism.
Eh?

If they continue down this route.
And not change their ways.

Shut it, nonce. What are you doing
noncing round my kids for?

f*cking receding hairline twat.
Oh yer fucker.

Yer a f*cking receding hairline.
Dyl? Dyl?

Eighteen thousand, eight hundred.
It's short by twelve hundred.

How the f*ck have you
spent twelve hundred quid already?

Oi you fucker!
Bought summat off Paul the burglar.

What the f*ck could've been
worth twelve hundred quid off
that knobhead?

Arghhhh!
Jesus f*ck!

Boa constrictor.
Twelve hundred quid.

w*nk*r!

Why is it yellow dude?

We're meant to be there now.

I f*cking know that
I'm doing my best.

What are we going to do
about the missing cash?
Write 'em an IOU.

f*cking IOU, yeah let's
do that. Let's do that.

"Dear Mr Kidnapper,
due to circumstances beyond

our control, and some shite
parenting locally, y'know,

we have lost twelve hundred quid."

f*ck me. I don't f*cking know,
dude.

(PHONE RINGS) Oh sh*t. Hang on.
Hang on.

Hello?
Is that little sh*t Tommo with you?

He's deliberately trying to sabotage
tonight, he's not handed out

any of the flyers I had made up, no,
no, no, he's just dumped them

in a bin.
Oh he is a f*cking nightmare.

I have been looking for him
all morning.
It's a terrible line this Erin.

(FAKES BREAKING UP)
Vin?

Vinnie? Vin?
f*ck.

Think she believed that?
Did she f*ck. No. It was dog sh*t.

Oh sh*t she's ringing back. Shh.
Sorry Erin, I am sorry love,
we are just in the middle

of something. But he is, he is a
peevish little sh*t...

Are you at the location?

Sorry mate, could you just
say that one more time.
We are on a bit of a bad line here.

Are. You. At. The. Location?

Am I there? Am I at the loca...?
Are you, are you at the location?

I am not seeing you here pal!

Do you see the boulder with
a blue cross on it?

Do I see... the boulder with a
blue...? I can't just now...

I might be facing the
wrong way here.

So. I'll spin it r-
You're not there, are you?

No. No. Two minutes
away. Two f*cking minutes.

Listen to me-
(HANGS UP)

f*ck.
sh*t! f*ck.

That's it then lads,
we k*lled Doolan.

Why?
I'm just saying what
we're all thinking.

What we gonna do now?
Ring Francis.

f*ck that. I ain't ringing Francis.
What the f*ck else are we

supposed to do then, Vin?
We'll take the money to the, to the
boulder with the f*cking x.

I don't f*cking know
Ashley. I am sorry love.

We have got to do something.
He is family.

(PHONE RINGING)
Oh shush. Shush.

Shush... Hello?
You've got twenty minutes to leave
the money behind the boulder

with a blue cross in the park.

If it is not there, then
the gypsy will burn.

Absolutely mate. I will
see you in a bit yeah.

'See you in a bit'?
What?

It seems like a funny thing
to be saying to a f*cking kidnapper.

Well.. What the fu... Stop being
predantic, you dickhead...

Stop- It's pedantic.
Pedantic...

f*ck! f*ck!
What?

How did it escape?

Oh sh*t! I thought
you'd put it in the boot.

Keep that thing away from
me dude, for f*ck-
Why isn't is in the boot?

Chill out. It won't do anything
unless it's upset.

You chill out,
they eat things my size.

It's a boa constrictor, I seen one
like it on YouTube the other day.

I don't give a f*ck what
breed it is, just get it off me.
It likes you, honestly.

(YELLS)

f*cking hell
sh*t.

f*ck dude. Everyone alright?

Yeah...
Who was coming round that corner?

Who is it? Oh, f*ck.

It’s the MacDonaghs.

Come on, we are going to
have to get out boys. f*ck me.

Yer alright Barry? Is
that Davey as well?

Vincent.
Yer alright?

How's your dad doing?

He's alright, thanks for asking.
Still drinking a bit like.

Nice Rolls.

Ta...

Saved us a trip to come and see you
about this money you owed Gerry.

That's our debt now, you know.

And I will not mess you
around on that one.

Y'know I had only just, just about
an hour ago found out about that...

Davey?

How much is here sunshine?
Eighteen thousand, eight hundred.

Don't take it. Davey. Davey. Listen,
we're on a life-or-death mission.

We really need that money man.

We all do, Vincent. Eighteen
thousand eight hundred?

So there's sixteen
to cover Gerry's loss and then
there's the interest on top.

Interest? It's only been a day.

Interest at a grand a day, and then
there's the damage to our vehicle

and our Barry's personal injury
claim to take into consideration.

I'm going to require significant
recompense for injuries

sustained, both physical and
emotional, in this crash.

We'll be in touch.

Oh. Oh. Hey. Hey. I've got a, I've
got a twelve hundred quids worth of

Boa Constrictor, in f*cking
mint condition lads...?

No, you haven't. He's
f*cked off an'all.

f*ck dude! Well that's you that is.

You were f*cking terrified of it
five minutes ago. You f*cking-

Get out of it!

Get in the car will you?!

f*ck sake dude!

You had one f*cking job to
look after the snake.

f*ck!

Oi!
Where the f*ck is he?

Where the f*ck is he?!

Will this un do?
Come on, just hurry up.

Dude, we're pushing it now, come on.

I f*cking know
Dyldo. I'll get us there.

Why is that on fire? sh*t.

Cardi, get in the f*cking car.
What took you so long?.

I had to have a sandwich.

Put the radio on...

We are going to be late now, what
took you so long?

Couldn't find the walkie talkies.

Yeah? f*ck me, you found that
though, didn't you?!

What?
A great big sandwich.

We're on a life or death mission
where every second counts.

It's Tyler's birthday.
A man's about to die.

And you stopped and made a butty.

Not... This was on the
side, from yesterday.

You don't even believe that Cardi.

Looks full but it feels like there's
nothing in it.

It weighs f*ck all.
How much would twenty grand weigh?

A twenty pound note weighs
one gram, so f*cking... Two kilos?

That sounds about right.
We need to pop more in this then.

Right, a full one of those will
be almost two kilos.

What? No. Hey Dyldo.

Don't weigh it down with piss dude!
Have you got a better idea?

Use a f*cking book
or summat like that.
Have you got a book?

No.

Just give me two seconds.

I am ready to go.

Are you circumcised?
Yeah.

It might just be a splutter cos I
don't need to go proper.

Oh Jesus, the size of his penis.
Awful isn't it.

That's all I have there now.
Go on Tom.

Can we try not bump around so much.
What do you want me to
f*cking do, get us there on

time or gentle? Y'know what I mean?!

f*ck my life. Right, there you go,
that's it. That's all you got.

Careful Cardi now cos
that's almost full.

Well pour some out
then before he starts.

I've started now.
He's started now.

You better start pulling up, Cardi.

It's going to overrun, Cardi.
I can't stop.
Oh speed bump.

Argghh. You splashed
piss on me you prick.

Sorry, the bottle's heavy,
can you hold it?

I'm not touching it
you've pissed all over it.
I can't, the bottle-

I've got piss on me hands...
The bottle's all slippery.

(ALL YELLING)

Oh f*ck.
Protect that cake dude. f*ck!

It's in my eyes. I've got your
f*cking piss in my eyes.

I just got a gobful Cardi.

Four minutes to go and we're at
least eight minutes away.

I've got other people piss
all over me f*cking trousers...

What the f*ck is he doing now?

Me pants are f*cking- Ah sh*t, me
f*cking pants. Me pants have gone.

Vin turn round. Turn
around Vin, me pants.

Right, is everyone in position
and receiving? Over.

I'm standing here by the
massive statue-(OVERLAPPING VOICES)

Oh God.
Lads, stop talking at the same time
and say 'over' when you're finished.

Over.

Ashley are you in position and
receiving. Over?

Receiving. Receiving. Over.

Thomas, are you in position
and receiving? Over?

Everything tickety-boo, over.

For f*ck's sake, Tom.

f*ck mate,
I am sitting having a f*g.

I'm blending in aren't I? That's
what people do.

Useless dickhead.
You didn't say 'over'. Over.

Cardi, are you in position and
receiving, over?

Where the f*ck...?

Cardi, are you in posit-
where the f*ck's he now?

I don't believe this. He's over at
the f*cking ice cream truck, over.

Look at him, f*cking hell.
He's not even got his radio on.

Listen, can none of you pay
attention longer than five
bleeding minutes lads?

Hey. Hey. Quiet. Vehicle approaching
the drop off from the west. Over.

Ooh... Which way's west, over?

No, never mind. False alarm.

They turned off. Over.
Oh f*ck.

You're supposed to say over. Over.

Look! Squirrel! Squirrel! Look!

Calm down will you,
there are squirrels all over
the f*cking place.

I mean, have we just given up
saying 'over' then have we? Over.

f*cking. Giant. Squirrel. Over.

What the f*ck are you
talking about? Ooh. Ooh.

Holy f*cking sh*t, where the
hell did he come from?

Jesus H Christ I see him.

You are f*cking
getting on me tits.

There is no such thing as
giant squirrels. Ooof!

He's got it.
He's f*cking got it.

f*cking stop that squirrel.

Oh f*ck. Fucker!

f*ck!

Get the squirrel!

f*ck you squirrel! f*ck!

(PHONE RINGING)

You not answering that?

No.

Is it Francis?

Yeah.

Y'know there's a chance
they might not actually like
really k*ll Doolan.

Are you f*cking mad?

We've just sent his kidnappers two
litres of dehydrated piss. Y'know.

I think they are going to be
fuming, taking it

out on poor Doolan right now.

Poor sod'll be burnt to crisp by
now won't he?! Crispy Gypsy.

f*ck's sake Tommo.
What is your problem sunshine?

I am just saying what we are all
thinking aren't I?

I remember when err Doolan got
engaged to Lorraine Hennessy,

two weeks after he'd got
engaged to Sharon Hennessy.

He had a set of
bollocks on him, didn't he?!

I'll have a double Hennessy please.

He was a hopeless romantic. He just
fell in love too easy was all.

That lad f*cking
loved getting engaged.

Unbelievable parties.

We could just like, ask him where
he has taken the money.

Lord Fire... Who?

The squirrel?
And how the f*ck
are we gonna do that?

We could pop down to the takeaway
y'know and ask

'where did you take the money'.

Christ Cardi, you pick your moments
to be useful you, don't yer?!

Here we go.

Go on Ashley.

Please, god, take it!
Shut the f*ck up dude.

Where's Doo...

Take that thing off him, it's
weird...

Look at me. f*cking squirrel,
where's Doolan?

Who?

Doolan.
Do what? I don't...

Not f*cking
do what or doo wap...

Doolan. I know you f*cking
kidnapped him.

I saw you take the bag.
f*cking squirrel.

What?
Yeah.

No. Some Hillbilly said he'd give us
a hundred quid if I went and

picked it up for him.

I'm sorry, we are being a
bit rough with you.
He is a sweet lad. Just a squirrel.

Sweetheart, listen to me. Listen
to me now. Settle down.

What did the hillbilly look like?

I never seen his face, he
just calls in orders and

tells us to leave food at the
gate to his f*cking creepy

hillbilly place out past
Joshi's Moor.
Joshi's Moor.

Good lad. Right. Where the f*ck is
Joshi's Moor? Is it Yosh's?

Yoshi's... Yoshi's Moor...

Come on let’s go
and save Ashley’s uncle.

Get in the f*cking car.

Oh dude, it smells like bacon.
No. No. No. No. Barbecue chicken?

Reckon that's Doolan that,
lads. Human flesh.

Oh f*ck...

That looks like, yeah, that looks
like a human limb sticking

out of a barrel lads...
f*ck's sake.

Poor Doolan. They've
barbecued the bastard.

Just call Francis,
let him deal with this.

I can't dude. I can't call Francis
and tell him we lost
his twenty grand, twice,

and k*lled his f*cking brother?
He'll fuckin k*ll him, Dyl.

Me? It wasn't just my fault.
Yeah, but,

for all intents and purposes,
Francis detailed the
responsibility to you,

so... in't that right, Ash?

I'm gonna go in lads. No one
messes with my family.

Ashley. Ashley. f*cking
hang on a minute... Ash. Ash. Ash.

Ash... Hang on. Hang on.
Hang on. Get down. Get down.

Tommy, stay here with that
fucker. Behave yourselves.

You're coming with me.
sh*t. sh*t. Get down. Get down.

You're coming with me. Come on.

f*ck.

We need him to talk though dude.
We need him to be able to talk,
don't knock him out.

Dude, I think you are
knocking him out. Ashley...

Where is he? Where is he?
Oh sh*t!

Cardi! Cardi!
I've got it!

Where's Doolan? Where is he?
I don't know lads.
Where is he?

Lads. Lads. Leave me alone.
Leave me alone. It's me lads.

Stop hitting me will yer?
Please God it's me...

Jesus. Doolan are you
alive, are yer?

I'm f*cking alive. Now would you
just stop f*cking hitting me.

Shut the f*ck up. You
terrible bell end Doolan.

I am not a f*cking...
Are you going bald?

Yeah.
You need to watch that now.

Oh shut your mouth Doolan.
Make a f*cking brew dude.

What's the deal?
Get me up.

Here, wear that.

Cheers dude. Erm what is that thing?

That was a collagen-activating
face mask.

Invented by top scientists
in North Korea.

I paid three hundred quid for that.
Oh, r-right.

Worth every penny. Look at
that, not a blemish...

Are you f*cking mad? Wittering on.
Collagen face masks.

For God's sake, let's get to the
pressing matter at hand.

Why the f*ck have you done
any of this man?

Why couldn't you just ask Franny for
the money?

It’s half my business too but
Francis has been skimming from it

for years. If we’re equal partners,
how is it that he can afford a

60k pound Mercedes and I
still haven’t got a pot to piss in,

right? This was the only thing I
could think of to try and get some

of that money back off him.
I mean yeah. Be that as it may.

You've put us in a f*cking
awkward predicament here.

I'm going to have to tell Franny
otherwise it's me in the sh*t.

Would you be telling him about
getting the ransom nicked off

of you twice or that you paid off
the McDonagh g*ons with his cash?

How the f*ck do you know about that?

I have my sources.
Fucker!

Ashley, clip him
round the f*cking head.

Right, I'll say this.
If you can keep your mouth shut, you
can have half that ransom.

Vin, we don't have the
ransom anymore.

I know we don't have
the f*cking ransom dude.

I know that.
We're going to owe it yer.

I'll get it to yer as soon as, ten
grand, coming your way.

How's that?
Good man. Good man. I'm bleeding
well. I'll drink to that.

I'll drink to that.

I've got just the thing here.
Oh perfect.

Good catch.

Get a good f*cking
swig of that now.

We'll have a good night
tonight, huh?

That's a lot in't it...

Oh, you fecking
bastards, is that piss?

It is yeah. We all had a piss.

No. No. No. No.

('MOVE ON UP' PLAYING OVER CHEERS)

(CHEERS)
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING
OVER CHATTER)

I'm covered in cake.
Shall we sack it off?

Come on boys, the night is young.

I don't care who you
think you are, you're not in

costume, you look like you've been
rolling in sh*t and you stink

of piss. You're not coming in.

Jez, stop shouting.
Jez. Let me get a f*cking word in.

Shall we just call Erin and see
because I don't think Tommo

is going to get us in.
Listen sweetheart, I
don't know what Erin has been

telling you, but I am the
co-manager of this here enterprise.

So don't mess with me pal because
I am your f*cking boss.

I swear I didn't man.
No I did. Oi. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hang f*cking
fire a minute pal.

I don't have a boss, and
I've never f*cking heard of you.

So why don't you f*ck the f*ck off
before you get hurt, alright?

Let me just...
For f*ck's sake.

Hold me back.
What?
Hold me back.

Settle down. Gerry let
me get a word in...

f*cking let me at him.
I see you mate. I see you.
Leave him. He's not worth it.

Leave it Tommo, he doesn't
realise who he's messing with.

No one disrespects me on
my own turf.
I did not do that dude.

You sleep with one eye open.
‘Cos I don’t forgive or forget.

Tommy. Shush. Leave that
f*cking man alone. Jesus Christ.

Gerry listen to me. I wouldn't do
that on me death bed.
I would do summat like-

For f*ck sake.
What?

Davey McDonagh's just been nicked
spending snide notes.

Francis used counterfeit bills to
pay his brother's ransom?

Yes. For f*ck's sake.
And now it is my shagging problem.

Don't storm off Tom.
Let's get to the Rolls.

Get in the f*cking van.
Whatever vehicle it is.
f*cking Jesus.

So does that mean we still owe the
MacDonaghs sixteen grand and

all that other stuff?

Yes, it does, yeah.
Christ... And they are very bad men.

And we're in trouble with them
because Davey got arrested.

Yes.

It's a shame really that that boa
constrictor won't the one

that got nicked from that private
zoo in Hepton last weekend.

What?
Yeah, Carol told me about it.
They're offering a massive reward.

sh*t. Where did you last see it?

f*cking hell.

Are you alright?

For f*ck's sake.

What are you doing you,
f*ck over here and give us a
hand looking for this snake dude.

Get to f*ck. I am not dipping about
in a field with a massive snake on
the loose. I am too vulnerable.

He's no use anyway.

We could use him as bait.

f*cking bell ends...

Oi listen Cardi
sweetheart did it not occur

to you that it might be a bit of a
f*cking coincidence, we've

just acquired a boa constrictor from
Paul the burglar, and there's

a really f*cking valuable one gone
missing up the way dude?

Oh yeah. No, it did.
But I am usually wrong.

f*ck. Vinnie. Vinnie. Hey...
Vinnie...

Cardi. Cardi. Cardi...
(CHUCKLING)

What are you laughing at?
Just stay where you are cos
you look really f*cking cool.

What?
Just try and give us a smile
as well. Go on.

You look well up against
that car I reckon.

Tommo. Tommo.
Stop throwing a hissy fit.

D'you know what, I have enough of
you lot.

There is no need for all
that venom.

Tell you what dickhead. Go
have a look for your snake.

Go and have a look for your
little boa constrictor.
What!

I hear you're a man that can
get things done.

Thwarted at the first hurdle.

There's no way we're
nicking them cars.

Hardwick.
I just need that touch.

You there. Young man.

The feel of a woman.

It's my posh voice, adds
a touch of class.

I just love the cars and
I want them back.

Right boys we're on, let's go.

Wine her, dine her-

Then f*ck her brains out.

You after his cars aren't you?
No...

Absolutely.

It's intense.