'This programme contains very
strong language from the outset
and throughout.'
I said not cheese and pickle.
I just heard "Cheese and pickle."
Ashley, when ordering
an item of cuisine, the word "not"
is a vital component.
Why are you smiling?
It's the sandwich man.
He's gorgeous. I got his number.
I'm looking at him.
"A BLT and a cheese and pickle."
Ashley, I don't know him, never
met him, don't know him from Adam.
But I can tell you now, that bloke
who works in a scabby sandwich shop
on a f*cking industrial estate
is not gorgeous.
You're doing it again.Yeah.
I'd surmise, that distraction
is why I've now ended up with a
f*cking cheese and pickle sandwich.
In't it?It would be, yeah.
It would be. I'm having yours.
Ohh.
Don't defy me, Ashley...
You are not having that...
Targets one o'clock.
Hello, gentlemen...
Myself and, oh... Marcus.
Hello.
Er, myself and my colleague here,
Mr Jennings,
are conducting a short survey to
ascertain whether workers
might enjoy a, er, a cafe-cum-bar
being erected here on site
for your refreshments,
you know, your luncheon...
Luncheon.
Post work.
Post work. It's only five questions,
multiple choice.
Would you be so obliged to get
on board with it?
I'm getting f*cked, like you did,
Marcus, and it's amazing.
You cheating f*cking bastard.
Question one, quick fire.
Do you like Caffrey's,
yes, no, maybe?
Hello?Tommo, it's Liz here,
Sugar's mum.
What? I'm with a client.
Sorry, it's just that
there's someone in here,
at the pub,
looking for Thomas Shaftner
and it turns out that's you.
What's he look like?
Is he big? Does he look dangerous?
No, he's young and he knows that
you own The Rat and Cutter.
But don't worry, I didn't tell him
that duck had sailed.
Anyway, he says he wants to talk
to you about something important.
Well, that's annoyingly
f*cking vague, in't it?
If it helps, he's German.
German, young, I mean...
That's literally nobody I know...
I tell you what, right...
tell him I'll be back in an hour.
If it's important,
he can wait, can't he?
Oi, dickheads, come on.
Mop up, we're off.
Ashley!
♪ The best things in life are free
♪ But you can give them
to the birds and bees...
Here he is. Oi.
Thomas, come here.
What?
Listen to this sh*t.
Hmm.
I'm buying a f*cking Mine Sweeper.
Cheap as chips. Bloody Mine Sweeper.
You know the bunker?Yeah.
Gonna turn it into a weed grow.
Deal with it.I will.
Deal with it.Ashley.
Brandy and coke, mate.
Deal with it more.
I'll tell you what...
You're a piece of work.
So... I hear you're looking for me.
Thomas?
Ah, technically, yeah, Tommo.
Hans Fischer.Oh, alright, yeah.
Oh, sorry, erm... I'm overwhelmed.
Right, yes,
I have that effect on people.
You're a bit young for me, though.
So, er... what can I do you for?
Thomas... I know this will
come as a shock to you...
Alright...
But...
I'm your son.
What?
You're my father.
I've imagined this moment
for so many years.Oh. OK, alright.
What's going on over there?
Yeah, alright, there we go.
Who's that?
He's a big handsome c**t.
He'll have nowt to do with him.
Yes, very good.
I think you might be confused
because I can't help but noticing
that you are a fully grown man.
And significantly German....
German, right, yeah.
As much as I'm a man of the world,
I've never had any dalliances...
Veronica Fischer is my mother.
Foreign exchange student, 2004.
See?
Oh...my God.
Mum says one time there was
no condom and you said,
"Risk it for a biscuit."
Well, here I am - the biscuit.
He's got a f*cking rucksack.
Thinks he's staying at my house.
He wants you in his life, Tommo.
Why? What the f*ck is he playing at?
Yeah?
With his f*cking surprise surprise
Cilla Black
from Dusseldorf mission
to find your dad.
Eh?He's your boy, Tommo -
there's nothing more likely to cause
a f*cked up adult than an absent
father. Look around you.
Him, her, her, you, all totally
and utterly f*cked up.
Thanks, Carol.Do you want that
for your boy, do you?
Well, ob... obviously not, Carol,
but it's not ideal.Yeah, exactly.
So, you need to make a bond
with him
and learn how to bring him
into your life. We'll help,
but you cannot be
shirking your responsibilities...
You should take him
to Tinsley tonight.
Oh, great idea, Erin, yes,
a regional pub hypnotist.
A lovely way to increase
a family bonding.
Police, don't move!
f*cking Three-Eyed Pete.
Dickhead. What?
Mine Sweeper, and I'll chuck
in the megaphone for 20 quid.
Get in shagging pub! What would
I need a bloody megaphone for?
Come here, you scruffy c**t.
You're f*cking late.
Better work that. I swear to f*cking
giddy Aunt. Get in here...
I want to know everything about you.
There is so much to catch up on.
Tell me all, start to finish.
Like what?
Are your parents still alive,
my grandparents?Er, foster parents.
Er, Leo and Margaret.
Over in Crossley Mere.
Perfectly nice
people in their own way,
but, alas, their way is not my way,
so we don't speak.
I would love to meet them.
Unless you're
into Westerns or The Daily Mail,
there's very little to discover.
Oh, I love Westerns.
Do you have any other children?
My brothers and sisters?Well, er...
Not that I know of.
Wife, girlfriend?No, no, no, I am
currently, as they say, celibataire.
Which is French for single.
Like me.
You into all that then?
Fitness game.
Oh, it's my life.
Me and my friends at home,
we have the saying...
Don't wish for it, work for it.
You probably got that from me...
Yeah, I'm very driven,
more in a business sense
than exercise. Go on, dig in.
But, er, you are looking at this
region's premier entertainment guru.
I keep a modest home, obviously,
but, er, most funds get folded
back into the empire,
so, erm, mind them black bits.
Mum is good with money too,
so I should have good genes.
Oh, yeah...She's a financial
advisor - in Hanover.
"Han over your cash..."
No, no, that's, er...
that's actually what first attracted
me to her, a very clever girl.
And of course - horny.
So..
at least you can say you
were born of good sex.
Yes, a cowgirl as I remember.
Which should be of interest to you
as a Western fan.
It's good to know.
Do you... like... pub hypnotists?
Show me that finger.
You know what that finger can do.
That finger is a magic finger...
You touch anyone here
and they will fall into hypnosis...
OK, give it a whirl.
Come on, how about that?
German, is it?
Right, Jim.
I'm not gonna start on him about
the f*cking w*r.Right, shush then!
It's not his fault his ancestors
were all f*cking Nazis.
Forgive and forget is what I say.
Well, not forgive. Or forget.
He alone who owns the youth
gains the future.
Sorry. He's a... He's a mad c**t.
f*cking arsehole.
But what happens if you touch
your own head with the finger?
Silly bugger's done it.
What are we gonna do now?
Not bad, is it?You should hire
this guy, for one of your clubs.
I should, should absolutely, yeah.
What clubs are them, Tommo?You know
which clubs those are, Erin.
Those are the many clubs,
bars and dining establishments
which I own and manage, Right,
on that note, I'm going for a piss.
I need a strapping man
from the audience
to come up and help lift these
poor hypnotised souls...Me.
He's handsome, yeah, come on.
Come up.
Go on, Hans!
Wrong bathroom.
Why f*cking lie to him?
How am I lying to him, Erin?
Saying you're successful,
run The Rat and Cutter.
Well, the last time I checked,
I was quite successful.
More so than someone
who let her dickhead brother...
Here we f*cking go!
Run off with McCann's money
and had to do a moonlight flit
to f*cking deepest darkest Wales.
You f*cking w*nk*r, you f*cking
w*nk*r. He's your f*cking son!
You're already f*cking lying to him.
I'm trying to impress him.
Aren't I, eh?
So telling a few white lies,
about how high-flying his dad is,
he goes all warm and fuzzy inside
and then in a few days,
he fucks off
back to Frankfurt or wherever
and it's happily ever after
for all of us, in't it?No.
You tell him the truth
and you tell him what you are.
And what am I, Erin?
A dickhead with a f*ck truck.
That is a mobile erotic parlour.Get
your finger out of my f*cking face.
And if you hadn't have thrown me
out of my own club,
by now I would be Hawley's answer
to Hugh f*cking Hefner.
He's my son, Erin, and I'll tell him
what he wants to hear.
Quack quack duck. Quack quack duck.
They are doing it!
How the f*ck can he be mine?
Quack quack duck.
Come on, you lot.
This is gonna blow
your f*cking mind, sweetheart.
I want to show you my club,
right, because there's a feeling,
amongst some there this evening,
that I might have been misleading
you about its current status...
It's closed, right?
Yeah.
So... did it... fail?
Fail?
f*cking hell,
you're joking, aren't you?
No, this... this is what you might
call a renovation project.
Hundreds of thousands of pounds
of investor funding
are being funnelled
into the place before you now.
Avanti.
Let me show you my vision.
I wouldn't touch that.
Want hepatitis?
f*cking hell... A-hah! Voila.
So, as you can see, at present
it's very much an empty shell
but - with a bit of vision -
it will morph from this caterpillar
into a sexy butterfly of fun
and debauchery.
You should make it a gig venue.
Hmm.
The music from England, I've always
loved it, Smiths, The Stone Roses...
Maybe cos Mum said you were from
here, I've always been drawn to it.
Mani, from the Stone Roses, made me
pick up a guitar for the first time.
Well, Three-Eyed Pete actually
used to be his roadie, so...
Three-Eyed... Pete?
Three-Eyed Pete,
he's a sort of friend.
I say friend, he's a pe-nis.
Is someone here?
Shouldn't be, should they!
On my premises, unless it's the
cleaner, so that might be the case.
We should look.
Er... no. Yes. Yes. Yeah, alright.
Well, you stay here - I don't want
you getting hurt, you know.
No way. I've only just found you.
I'm not having you k*lled.
Just stay behind me.
Come on.
This is my blue rooms, by the way,
for exclusive clientele
and that.
It's nice.
Ahahargh.
Someone's sleeping here.
No. No.
Let's go...
Someone's sleeping here.
Get back cos I'm gonna deal wi' it.
Excuse... Excuse me, excuse me..
Wake up, we're not gonna hurt yer.
What the f*ck are you doing
in my club!Argh! Your, your club?
No, it used to be your club, Glen.
But now it's my club. Poor
deluded bastard, he is a drinker.
My club, Tommo - ask Kenny Diamond.
I'll tell you what, you go upstairs.
Get him a whisky.
I do not need a whisky.
Right, the optics are open, he'll
enjoy it. Won't you, love, eh?
It's fine, we'll sort this, eh?
What are you staring at, sweetheart?
What the f*ck's this Kenny Diamond
sh*t? The council closed this down.
And now they're allowing it
open again. Kenny greased palms.
He's the licensee and he's promised
me the lease.You, you?
Glen Glenson is back, Tommo,
and all those who wrote him off
can...Shut up, you f*cking turd.
And I want your f*cking keys back.
Agh.
It's so sad, that boy's
had to grow up, all his childhood,
not knowing his father.And when
he finds him, it's f*cking Tommo.
No, but, seriously,
boys need their dads,
like if this little guy
was to come out
and you weren't in his life,
that'd break my heart.
You know he'd be fine.
What? Look, I'm just saying, right,
if I wasn't in this boy's life,
wouldn't know the difference.
No, in this podcast,
they were saying that evolutionary
theory believes that babies
come out looking like their dad
so the father takes responsibility
instead of pissing off
and running away.
Yeah.
You'd better not do that.
That hurt, actually. Oh, Jesus.
That even more. You.
Listen to me,
if you don't look like me,
I am gonna piss off.
Don't tell him that,
he might get upset.
He's in bloody amniotic fluid
in the womb,
with no concept of language,
you know.
This is Kenny.
Leave a message.Kenny.
It's Tommo. We need to speak, mate.
Urgent.
'Good morning.'
Give over.
It's got a repeat. 'Good morning.'
Glenson's back and he thinks
he's opening that club.
I've got three words for him, Vin,
over my dead, four, in't it, body.
Why are you here? You're meant to be
bonding with your boy.
How? He's into f*cking lifting
weights and taking protein powder.
The mind boggles. How did you bond
with Tyler when you found out?
He was seven
when I found out, so it were easy.
We played crocodiles and f*cking
snuggling on t'couch.
I can't do that.
'Sky diving.'
You what?'Germans love sky diving.
I watched a documentary about it.
They put on Lederhosen,
drink beer and...'Put it down!
They drink beer and they do sky
diving.Right, very good, Cardi.
Very good. I'll do that.
In Hawley on a Thursday afternoon!
Look where the f*ck we are!
Your boy, he's into sport, yeah?
Yeah, sadly.
I've got just the thing.
I have recently obtained
exclusive membership
to the extremely hard to join...
Northern Lawn Tennis.
How the f*ck did you get that?
Know what they say
when you walk in?
'Good morning.'I f*cking swear. Oh,
f*ck off. f*cking therapy session.
Sweep for mines. Don't let anyone
end up like sewn together Barry.
'Good morning.'
Would you...
It's a big clock that, innit?
Do you know what you call
a clever clock?
Clockwise.
Would you like to tell me
about what's brought
you here today, Vincent?
Well, it's my f*cking head, innit?
That's why I'm here.
Do you collect feathers, you?
I bet I know every one of these
f*cking birds, here.
Christ...
Is that expensive?
It is.
Looks expensive.
f*ck, it'd do me a lot of good that.
I bet you wouldn't even know
it were gone.
I might. It's my grandmother's.
I don't believe you.
My dad's a pisshead, my mum didn't
want me when I were little,
I found her recently and she still
don't f*cking want me. So...
Yeah, I guess that's it, really.
That's just the end of that story,
is it?
For f*ck's sake. Me...
Dad didn't know how to be a Dad.
Mum didn't know how to be a mum.
They had me too young, they f*cked
up. And they f*cked me up.
I've got bipolar. I can't keep hold
of my friends... the girl I adore,
I can't be with,
cos I'm just not good enough.
Everyone I've ever cared about
just...
they have to leave me in the end.
Everything's changing. I just...
I want it to go back
to the way it was, that's all,
even if it was all
just a pile of shite.
That sounds like a lot.
Mm.
Sign off? Ticked your box.
Blame it all on my mum and dad, and
feel like you've earned your money
and I get to go home and
feel like a f*cking piece of sh*t.
You seem to be telling me
like it's my fault.
No, I'm f*cking, I'm painting
you a picture, aren't I?
That's what I'm doing! We've had
different lives, you and me!
You're arranging birds' nests,
I'm growing weed,
trying to not get my d*ck cut off.
Right. It sounds like you think
you can read me very well.
What makes you think that I don't
have the capacity to understand?
What makes you think
I've always come
from this wonderful background?
Can I ask you who you're angry with
when you say all this?
At the moment, you're angry with me.
But it isn't me
who's made things the way they are.
Everything you've told me,
all your feelings are valid,
but your anger, your sadness, need
directing in the right places.
We need to decipher
between what's your illness
and what's a genuine crisis.
The experiences
would bring anyone to their knees.
So it's no wonder to me
you struggle the way you do.
And just to say, Vincent,
you don't have to get better today.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'm here for you.
That's the deal.
So, maybe you can leave the snuff
box that's in your pocket
and steal it next time
if that's more convenient.
MUSIC: "Golden Retriever"
by Super Furry Animals
Yours!
♪ Hey said the devil
♪ When I met her at the roundabout
♪ She's got powers
♪ Magnetic devours you
of everything you've got
♪ She's a golden retriever
♪ Retrieves your oldest coin
♪ Leads you blindly
down every dark alley
♪ Then she'll...
Hello, boys.
Daphne. Magenta.
Should have known
you'd be members.
And, er, who's this?
I'm Thomas' son.
Whose?
Tommo.
It's me f*cking name.
Jesus Christ, Daffne.
Can you not see the family likeness?
He's German.
He's... he is German, yes.
Very good, Magenta.
Yeah, grade A student, very sharp.
Well... Guten Morgen.
Guten Tag, Madame.
Wie geht es dir?
I am doing very well.
Wo ist das Rathaus?
You know that means
"Where is the town hall?"
I'm Daffne.
Hans.
Charmed, I'm sure.
You're f*cking not charmed, love.
Daffne, do not flirt with my f*cking
progeny. It's beyond obscene.
We're retiring
to the Deuce Bar for Pimm's,
if anybody fancies joining us -
Great, I love to meet Dad's friends.
Well...
Magenta.
f*ck sake.
What's Pimm's?
You need a semi-Western grip.
If you drop the racquet on the
ground, bend down and pick it up.
OK.
Strings facing to the ground.
Argh!
Saw her knickers...
Like holding a frying pan...
No, he's reciprocating.
Don't f*cking reciprocate, lad.
And continue your natural swing,
like this...What the f*ck?
Yeah. She's definitely
keen on him, mate.
She can be keen.
She's old enough to be his gran.
Peachy.Also, he shall not jizz
where his father hath jizzed.
It's practically incest, in't it?
If he's gonna jizz on anyone,
Magenta.
She's like 12, man.
She's 16, Cardi.I'm 15.
You're 15, love?
Well done.Are yer?
Grip the racquet...
f*ck this. Right,
right, drink up, we're going.
Are you insane? I'm not leaving,
look at this place.
All these are on Mrs Bishop's tab.
Alright, fine.
Fine... Stay. Yeah, have fun.
Hans.
Hang on. Hang on.
It's Kenny Diamond!Kenny Diamond?
Kenny Diamond. Kenny Diamond.
Kenny. Kenny.
Kenneth...
Tommo.
Vincent says
you wanna speak with me.
Correct, Kenny, correct,
er, it is about the future ownership
of The Rat and Cutter. Have you
signed anything with Glen Glenson?
Nothing official.
We have a, a gentleman's agreement.
Alright, OK, ah, well, listen, I'm
a gentleman, you're a gentleman.
Right?
So how would you like to meet up,
to discuss a better
gentleman's agreement.
Go back on my word? Is that
what you're asking me?Yeah.
Crow's Nest, 30 minutes.
Thank you, Kenny, very good. Right.
Gotta go. Hans.
Oh, no, Tommo.
Let him stay here with me,
I won't bite.
No, he's coming with his dad.
I'm fine, I'm having fun.
Honestly, I'll just come back
with the others.
Don't you leave her with him.
Roger that.
Tommo.
Kenneth.Have a seat.
Thank you.
Management lease,
two years minimum.
Glen's offered 20 grand
but as a favour to you
I'll allow you to outbid him.
I want an offer in excess of 20
otherwise I give this
back to Glenson.
Right, Kenny,
I am a man, as you know,
with a great many
financial commitments.
And consequently liquidity
is not always... fluid.
When do you need the money?
By Friday.
By Friday?
By Friday.
Friday it is then.
Ha-ha!
Vinnie? Vin.
Erin?! Hiya, where's Vinnie?
In the back room... with Manolito.
Very good.
Why?
Oh, it's fine.
Vinnie, Vinnie... Vinnie, I...
Thomas.Hello.
I love the w*r room,
perfect new business HQ. Inspired.
Hey, we make a good team,
huh, you, me...Hey.Vincent.
Shame your, er,
best friend couldn't be here.
I think he like this...
He's not even texted me back yet.
Bastard.I think he doesn't
want to be found,
the MacDonaghs come after him again,
safer that way.
Which reminds me, now Davey is back,
you do not tell the MacDonaghs
it was me who rescued your friend
from the car. Best this way.
Vinnie. Sorry. I need over 20 grand,
to buy back The Rat and Cutter.
Listen to you. Throwing it out.
"I need 20 grand."
Not happening.
We're doing a weed grow this year,
not spending money
on a f*cking club
so you can wreck it again...
Thank you very much.
Blaming me for the loss
of my own club,
which I'm still grieving by the way.
Not all men are cut out
for greatness, Thomas.
Where can a man take a leak?
A bucket in the listening room.
A red one, round there.
For weeing in.
We've just moved in, ain't we,
you know what I mean. Sort it out.
Listen... I need to show him myself
in my former glory,
proprietor of Hawley's
premier entertainment venue.
But you're not, Tom.
You're not this man that you
keep pretending to be.
Look at the state you're in!
There is sh*t in bucket.
It's Carol!
God's sake!
Hey, hey, where is he?
Who?
f*ck sake!
Where's your mum, eh?
She went home.
Where's my lad, then?
Went with her.
Why are you here if she's gone?I
have a match at four.Match at four.
Right, right.
Do you know what, right,
I feel f*cking sorry for you,
growing up with that woman
as a role model, eh?
Loose morals.
Dickheads!
What?!
Tommo.
Daffne? Daffne!
Open this f*cking door, right now.
Daffne, Daffne.
Daffne. Daffne.
I swear to God...
You're a liar.
You're not a businessman.No. No.
You own a dungeon
and a f*ck truck.Listen to me.
I don't want a dad
who's a selfish liar!
Hans, I...
It's a mobile erotic parlour.
f*ck you.
Hello.
Nice one, yeah.
I'm trying to make him proud of me!
Thank you very much.
MUSIC: "Train Song" by Vashti Bunyan
♪ Travelling north,
travelling north to find you
♪ Train wheels b*ating,
the wind in my eyes
♪ Don't even know
what I'll say when I find you
♪ Call out your name, love,
don't be surprised
♪ It's so many miles and so long
since I've met you
♪ Don't even know
what I'll find when I get to you
♪ But suddenly now,
I know where I belong
♪ It's many hundred miles...
sh*t.
♪ And it won't be long
♪ Nothing at all
in my head to say to you
♪ Only the b*at of the train I'm on
♪ Nothing I've learnt
all my life on the way to you
♪ One day our love... ♪
When did you last see them?
Why you sweating?
Are you nervous to see them?
I'm warm, aren't I, Cardi.
I'm wearing nonbreathable fabrics.
f*ck me.
Looks exactly the same.
Wagon wheel, that's handy.
Don't jangle the danglers.
Right. Here's the plan, we go in,
retrieve the boy child,
then f*ck the f*ck out of this place
to the local hostelry
and we'll smooth over this mess.
Oh, and, er, be warned.
Leo, he's a bit of a close talker.
What's a close talker?
Tommy.
Leo.
You can call me Dad, you know.
You're looking... looking well.
And this is, er...?Ashley.
Ashley.
Hmm. Nice work shirt.
Thanks, it's sustainable, 100%
biodegradable, the eco choice.
That's Cardi.
Nice to meet you, D-D-Dad.
"Cardi," what's that short for?
It's short for Leslie Titt.
This is turning into quite the day.
Is he in there then?
He certainly is, yes,
you'd better come inside.
Margaret, it's our Tommy.
Better come inside.
JJ.
You alright?
Hey. What are you holding?
This is our child.
Jesus.
And she looks nothing like you.
Are you leaving...?
Have you lost your mind?
And why the f*ck have you wrapped it
in a bloody blanket, Sugar.
This is your baby, JJ.OK,
well, it's very white and ginger.
And Chinese.
Daddy was a mechanic,
before he left.
He was into fish and very boring
podcasts.I am doing this...
Woah.
Hey, listen, come here.
Now, there's only one thing
that would ever drive me
out of your life, right,
and that is pretending to be a dad
to a f*cking carrot top doll, Sugar.
OK.
Yeah.
Do you want a greasy kiss?
Yeah.
Er, Rooster Cogburn,
sequel to True Grit, not a classic,
but it stars Katharine Hepburn.
So worth checking out. No. No. No.
Clearly wrong,
that's red and that's blue.
We thought it was a prank when Hans
arrived at the door, didn't we?
I said to Leo, this is a prank.
And he said, "Prank,
no way, Margaret, he's our grandson,
I can feel it, inside."
Are you happy to be grandparents?
No, technically, though...
Oh, yes, never thought
we'd see the day, did we, Leo?
Never thought we'd see the day.
And such a strapping lad.
Not like Tommy.
He was a sickly youth.
Always had problems, with his...
Not there.
Problems with his?
Pardon?
You said he always had problems
with his...With his -No. No. No.
Wrong shape.Oh, sorry now.
And such a lovely looking boy.
You know, you can't mind that he's
German when he has a face like that.
As the big man says,
"A horse is a horse,
it ain't make
a difference what colour it is."
Right. I'm going for a whazz.
Is it still in the same place?
Yeah, course it f*cking is.
Do you not like Germans then?
MUSIC: Cowboys Ain't Easy To Love
by Chris LeDoux
Alright?
Alright?
How are you?
Better than you,
by the looks of things.
You high?
Off my tits, mate, yeah.
You're getting blasted
in your foster parents' house.
Leo won't approve of that, will he?
Long way past caring
what Leo thinks.
If I ever did...
Did I?
No, not really.
How've I ended up like this, eh?
What, what, what was, erm...
what were going through me head,
when I was you?
You couldn't really
understand normality,
them lot downstairs, anyone, really.
They seemed to have loads and loads
of pointless rules...Yeah.
They do.Everyone's so worried
about what everyone else thinks,
like it matters anyway.
I mean, that's f*cking right.
Get married,
lock themselves to one other person,
trap themselves in a little house,
job they hate,
and all in the name of security
and respectability.
Yes,
f*cking spontaneity out the window,
have to ask permission to go for a
pint with their mates at the pub,
can't stay out too late
because the alarm goes off at seven.
Daren't even look at another woman,
or man,
because I've got this
ring on your finger,
like a f*cking sheep in a field,
branded,
letting all the world know
I'm taken. Don't even look at me
because I've committed myself
by the rules of the land
to a lifetime of,
at best, mediocre sex.
I was right. We, we were right.
Yeah, and now it's those same
people, the same teachers, doctors,
businessmen, in their f*cking suits
and shirts and what have you.
They're the ones
paying for my services, and why?
Because ever since Adam and Eve
traipsed into
the f*cking Garden of Eden,
human beings have wanted
their bits playing with
and that will never change.
Exactly.
Everything I thought,
when I was you, was right.
Yeah.
Go on.
Off You f*ck.
Alright.
Oh, and, er...
just a bit of advice, if anyone asks
you to engage in Spicy Gringo,
just, er, just refuse,
it's too much.
MUSIC: "Disco 2000" by Pulp
FYI, John Wayne were a r*cist
and a h*m*.
Sit down, Leonard.
Oi, you. Pub, now.
You can't tell me what to do.
This is your father speaking.
Pub.
Hello.
Vinnie... have you thought any more
after our little bathroom chat?
Look, Donna...
We're being very tolerant.
But our patience is wearing thin.
Where's Dylan, Donna?
I've told you,
we're nothing to do with Dylan.
Right. And I've told you
that I can only be in business
with people that I trust. Alright?
I don't really drink.Shut
the f*ck up and get it down yer.
Right. First things first,
did you f*ck her?
Who?Who do you think I mean?
My f*cking elderly foster mum?
Mrs Bishop?
Mrs Bishop, yes.
The lovely Daffne.
No.
No?
Right, I were expecting
something different.
Why?
I don't know...
She got my trousers off
and she really wanted to...
When it came to it... I...
I didn't want her to be my first.
Yeah. Wh... wh... what? What?
You mean you...?
Yes. I'm saving myself.
Right, well, yes, OK, so fine.
Why?
I want the first time to be special.
Hmm. Wow, your mamma's brought
you up with some funny ideas.
I'm sorry I lied.
Right, strictly speaking
none of it was untrue.
There were just some, y'know,
significant omissions.
But why?Why? Hans, you came
f*cking waltzing into my life,
saying where's my dad, obviously
in a... in a German accent.
You wanna know about my life...
Right, well,
I'll tell you about my life, right.
Picture the scene.
Born to two shitty parents
that didn't give a crap about me.
Er, not one, but two broken arms
by the time social services
took me away
at the grand old age of
Shunted about
from one care home to the next,
with a load of other kids
who no-one gave a sh*t about.
Leo and Margaret were the first
people who ever cared about me...
and, er, boring as they were,
f*ck me,
I didn't want their life,
Jesus Christ,
this f*cking claustrophobic
little box.
I couldn't understand
how they were happy
but bless 'em,
they wanted what was best for me.
So... I got out.
Not very far, obviously, but,
er, but the way I live my life,
it... it could be a million miles
away from all that, couldn't it?
What I do is a public service.
You know, the world, Hans...
is so f*cking repressed, right,
and people, they have kinks,
desires,
these perversions,
these f*cking dreams.
Right, and, and, and they push 'em
so far down inside,
and that's why they come to me.
They come to me
and the fantasies burst out
and for an hour
of their miserable f*cking lives
they're in ecstasy.
Sometimes also on ecstasy.
You... you... you seem like a good
lad... I don't feel things
like how other people do...
maybe, you know, like love.
Maybe I love you,
maybe that's what...
maybe that's what that is.
Maybe, yeah, yeah, I do.
I mean... yes, I... I... I love you.
And then that's why I lied.
Listen, I am who I am,
I'm not ashamed of it,
but if you don't like it, you're
very welcome to pack up your things
and head back to Deutschland
and we'll say no more about it.
I would like to see them,
the dungeon, your f*ck truck.
I want you to tell me
everything about you.
Over another pint.
I mean, drink that one first,
f*cking hell.
So, what's the truth
about The Rat and Cutter?
The truth about The Rat
and Cutter is, right,
I ran it and it
were a f*cking roaring success.
But, er, alas,
paperwork is not my forte
and, er, in a petty act of revenge a
certain detective, Carl Slater...
Carl Slater bums dogs?
f*ck me. How do you know that?
It were his nan's poodle actually.
Well, he shut us down. And, er,
in so doing he toppled my empire.
So who was the guy sleeping there?
That's a, a long story.
But the short version is that, er...
I'm now 21 grand shy of being
reinstated as the owner
of Hawley's
premier entertainment venue.
You need 21 grand.
Mm. By Friday.
By Friday?
That's a lot of money.I know,
you don't have to rub it in.
Peter.
Yeah?
What the... are you not up?
What if I am? I'm not with a hooker.
Look, we need a favour.
Favour? What favour?
Put some clothes on.
You're about to do a nice
thing for another human being.
You look like sh*t. Get gone.
Go on. Get out of it. Go on then.
This is it, Mani's house.
Wow, he's probably got
gold records in there.
The guitars
he played Made Of Stone on.
Oh, yeah.Original artwork
from album covers.
Hans, that's not even the best bit.
The best bit is that our friend
Peter of the Third Eye,
over here, yeah,
he's not only their ex-roadie.
No, no, no he also happens to be
a close personal friend, yeah.
Of The Stone Roses,
and so for a small remuneration,
he is going to introduce you,
son, to your guitar hero.
How's that?What, today?
Right now.Noooo.
Right now.Nooo.Yes!
Avanti.
Ooh, here we go.
You alright, love?
Go on then.Alright, yeah.
Is Mani around, please?
You remember Three-Eye'd Pete
the roadie.
You're the c**t
that stole Ian's jacket.
No, hang on a minute,
that's a false allegation.
f*cking allegation, is it?
Here y'are...
If it's false, how come
we've seen it for sale on eBay?
You're barking up the wrong...
Listen, you better f*cking...
Sling it.
And you lot f*cking do one.
Mani. Mani.
Mani, before we go...What?
Hans. Mani. Mani. Hans.
Hans.Huge fan.
You German?Yes.
Oh, my f*cking giddy aunt.
The worst gig I ever played was
Munich '99. What a bag of sh*t.
Sling your f*cking hook.
Come on, lovey.
Twats!
That was the best surprise ever.
And now, I have a surprise for you.
Come on.
OK, let him see.
Ta-da.
It's all yours.
What? How?
Mum set up a trust fund for me
when I was born and it matured
when I turned 18.
Fifty-five thousand euros.
So, after you told me
about Kenny Diamond...By Friday.
I went to see him.
I want a three-year contract,
signed and official.
By Friday.
By Friday?By Friday.
My lad... why'd you do
something like that for me, eh?
Because you're my dad.
I want you to do two things for me.
One, apologise
to Leo and Margaret.
It might be OK to let them in
just a little.
And second, promise me
you'll sort out your drug habit.
I need you to be around
for a long time.
Drug habit?
He thinks I've got a drug habit
this one.Dude. You have.
I mean, Christ.
Alright. Alright, yeah, I swear...
MUSIC: "Spread Your Love"
by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
♪ Spread your love like a fever
♪ And don't you ever come down
♪ Spread your love like a fever
♪ And don't you ever come down
♪ I spread my love like a fever... ♪
Jehan Jevani.
I'm arresting you for possession
with intent to supply.
You do not need to say anything
but it may harm your defence...
Her dad's just f*cking d*ed.
He wanted me to have the flat?
He owed a lot of people money.
It's so weird being back here.
Oh, that's not a good knock.
We're the bailiffs.
Ten grand by tomorrow.
How are we gonna find
ten grand tomorrow?
I am gonna get you, Erin Croft.
Oi!
sh*t! Run! Run!
MUSIC: " So Much Trouble
In My Mind" by Sir Joe Quarterman
♪ I got so much trouble in my mind
♪ I got so much trouble in my mind
♪ I got so much trouble in my mind
♪ Give me the strength to carry on
♪ Give me the strength to carry on ♪
05x03 - Hans
Watch/Buy Amazon
Follows the lives of Vinnie O'Neill and his friends as they live their lives in the fictional northern English town of Hawley.
Follows the lives of Vinnie O'Neill and his friends as they live their lives in the fictional northern English town of Hawley.