05x06 - Caravan of Courage

[bunniefuu]

'This programme contains
very strong language

from the outset and throughout.'

♪ I've been waiting a long time

♪ For this moment to come

♪ I'm destined...
No!

♪ For anything at all...
Wait!

Jesus Christ, Cardi.
Just pick a packet, will you?

There's no thought goes into this.
There's no skill.

Look...

Three golden tickets out of
a possible five have been found -

one in a cheese and onion,
one in a W-Worcester sauce,

and one in a s-salt and vinegar.

So smoky bacon and ready salted
are odds-on for the golden ticket.

Exactly.
Ah, Meena.

What's the cr*ck with you?
f*ck all.

Bored. Not enough people are dying.

Business slow, then, is it?
It's like a morgue.

Ah.
It's not funny.

Mm.
Could you hurry up, knobhead?

There's people waiting.
Sorry. Can you f*ck off, knobhead?

I'm looking at the crisps.
I'll take as long as I need.

Do you understand? Yeah? Cool!

Hey, Cardi, relax. Sorry about him.

Hi, Carol?

Yeah, er, yeah, he's with me now.

Yeah, all six foot two of him.

Erm... Yeah, listen.
Do you think ready salted or smoky -

You what?

No way!

Ah! Please wait.

What did I do in a past life
to deserve you here today, eh?

Sorry, Carol. You what?

Oh... No, no, it's not a problem.
Not a problem at all. Yeah.

f*ck. All right, we're on our way.

All right. Love you, baby. Bye.
Yeah?

Well, smoky bacon.

Let's do this.
No. As in, what's the story, like?

Which story?

The phone call, Cardi,
that you just had.

Oh, yeah. Er, Carol said that...

What did she say?

She said that you've had your...
Your Yoda's had her caravan nicked.

She what? Was she in it?

Was she?
Was she?

You're asking me?
Was she in it when it happened?

Yoda?
Yeah!

I didn't ask.
My goodness.

We need to get over there now.
I've got my car, if you want a lift.

Good woman. Shotgun! C'mon, Cardi!

f*ck!

You haven't?

♪ The best things in life are free

♪ But you can give them
to the birds and bees

♪ I need money...
♪ That's what I want... ♪

I just, I don't see how this is even
a little bit necessary, man?

Believe me, there's plenty of things
I'D rather be doing.

f*ck me.

So, how have you been?
We're not doing THAT!

We're not having small talk while
you try and fist me back there.

It tends to relax everyone
if we have a little conversation.

What do you mean EVERYONE?
Why do YOU have to relax?

Ooh.

Don't worry, that wasn't you.
Ha-ha.

f*ckin' dickhead.

Right, just gonna...

No.
Just point your toes inwards.

Dude.
You have to give me something.

I... I feel like that's generous.
That's a good amount of finger.

All right, deep breath.

Oh, f*cking hell.

Haven't seen you for a while.

Maybe you don't need me so much
since you've been seeing Fiona.

The new therapist?

Yeah, she's lo...
She's lovely, actually.

She's helping.
She is helping, making a difference.

Bet.
What you f*cking laughing at?

Oh, is that
a bit of professional jealousy

or something? You fucker! f*ck me!

Both hands or summat back there?
What's going on.

Right, perfect.

Nice smooth prostate.

Ooh. Armful of dicks.

Nothing to report down there.
Thank God!

Well, all that's left to do now,

is go and cut
that enormous wheel of cheese

you put that f*cking coat on for.

Dude. f*cking hell.

Right...

How's your...hernia?

What are you on about,
bloody hernia?

Oh, f*ck. Oh, sh*t.
What?

God, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
What?

You're "O'Neil", aren't you?
Yeah.

I have Vince "O'Malley".
I'll get your records.

Dickhead.

You fingered me for no reason?
f*cking hell, man.

You wouldn't believe
how often this happens.

I f*cking WOULD believe
how often that happens!

f*cking Carol. You all right, love?

You all right?
Oh, eh, it's Meena, innit?

How's me hair? Is it all right?
It's all right.

What about the front?
Best it's ever been.

You all right?
How the man?

Is that where Yoda's caravan was,
down yonder?

Just that plot there, yeah.
Who's "Yoda"?

My great gran.

It's a nickname -
cos her name's Rhoda.

Is it f*ck! It's because she looks
exactly like Yoda.

What the f*ck have I told you lot?

My great gran looks NOTHING
like f*cking Yoda. Right?

No, all I'm saying is, George Lucas
has got a law suit out on her.

Shut your f*cking mouth, Tommo.

She looks NOTHING like f*cking Yoda!
No.

No, she doesn't, but she sounds
the f*cking spit of him, you know?

Come here! I warned you, Tommo!

Does she?
Yeah, honestly.

Swear to f*cking God.
Oh, here they come!

The Red Hand g*ng on the Case Of
The Mysterious Disappearing Caravan.

The big mystery is why would
anyone nick that rotten old thing

when there's all these decent ones
around. Makes no sense.

I agree. I think...
Just... J-J-J-Just... f*ck me!

Oi! Give over. Pair of c**ts.

Ashley,
where the f*cking hell's Doolan?

I thought he were living
with f*cking Yoda?

No! He went back to Ireland.

Get out of it.
He's in hiding.

f*cking...
Or...

Or has he kidnapped himself again?
No, he took himself off -

after the McGuigans
put a bounty on his head

because he called off the engagement
with their eldest, Dervla.

Daddy, he's done it again!

So, who's Doolan?
It's er...

It's Ashley's uncle.

He's got a pathological desire

to get engaged
to every woman that he meets.

He's weird.
What's your problem today?

Look, it's not his fault he's got
an animal magnetism, all right?

He's a hopeless romantic.

He's catnip to a certain type
of female caravan-dweller.

He is.
Wow.

All right, for Christ's sake.
Bloody Francis.

What the f*ck does he want with us?

I mean, we know f*ck all
about missing caravans, do we?

He's just trying to get
anyone he can to find it.

He's even offering a reward.

Now he's after going nuclear
on someone over.

You f*cking pricks!
You f*cking arseholes!

Keep your head down
when this happens.

Right, yous, f*ck off out!

Go on, f*ck off out!

That's not ideal, is it.

And yous...
Hey, Francis.

Hey, Francis.
f*ck off in!

All right, then.

He did a full 360 then.
CAROL: Oh, here we f*cking go.

Last night, an elderly woman

coming home from bingo

was shocked to discover
her caravan...

..had been
brutally abducted from her.

May I ask,
how Rhoda is with everything now?

Have you not f*cking heard me?!

She's f*cking shocked!

Her home of 20 years robbed away.

So, erm, where is Granny?
Are we gonna get to see her?

She's inside in the toilet.

And what d'you mean,
are you going to get to see her?

No...

No reason.

Ooh.

There she blows.

Now, then, Rhoda,
how's it going love?

I'm... I'm super sorry
to hear about this...

caravan...stealery.

It's a rum do, innit? It's rum.

Shocking business this is.

Oh, it is that, Rhoda. It is.
Stolen me caravan, they have.

Yes, we know. Shocking, Great Gran.
It really is.

Shocked.
Were all very shocked, aren't we?

Terribly so.
Oh, no, it's awful. It was...

Shocked about it, we are.
Sorry.

So, erm, do you have you any idea
who might have...abducted it?

Well, my thinking right now is
it's the type of people who erm...

who like erm....

stealing caravans.

"The type of people
who like stealing caravans."

Mm.
I mean, who's that?

Well, whoever it is,
they'll be dealt with fairly lively.

But first thing's first.

That caravan needs returning -
immediately!

Well, it...
Yeah, Franny it's just that...

I worry we won't find it.
Only cos there's thousands of 'em.

I just wouldn't know where to start.
Yeah.

Would it not be easier, Francis,
just to buy her a brand-new one?

Would you like
a new caravan, Rhoda?

It's just that the old one
was very falling apart

and decrepit very much so.
It's f*cked.

f*cked very much so.
I'm not f*cking deaf!

Wouldn't mind a new one.
She doesn't want a new one!

She wants the old one.
Let the rain in, the roof did.

It has to be THAT one.
She's an emotional attachment to it.

That's understandable.

Which is why
I'm going to offer ten grand...

What the f*ck?

..for its return.
Big Daddy.

Would like to get my Aloysius back.

Who's that, then?
CAROL: Aloysius is her stuffed cat.

It was in the caravan
at the time of abduction.

Stuffed cats. What is it
with old ladies loving stuffed cats?

Stuffed cats and the smell of piss.

Oh, sorry.

Come on. What the f*ck, dude?

f*cking listen to me.
Listen to me.

Yeah.
Ten f*cking grand.

Ten grand for a f*cked-up,
f*cking caravan.

What the f*ck does that all mean?

Look, for that sort of money,
it's worth a f*cking go.

The amount of cash that stingy
bastard has squirreled away
all over the place,

I'd say he could buy her
a new caravan ten times over.

Something's not
sitting right with me.

Francis doesn't give a shite about
anything that doesn't benefit him.

So why is he interested
in that shag of an old caravan?

Yeah. He probably stashed
all his fortune in it.

And that's why he's so desperate
to get it back.

Bloody hell, Cardi,
you're a genius.

That's what it is, in't it?

Jesus f*cking Christ,
the lads got it!

No.
You've f*cking got it, mate.

He's always tinkering
under Rhoda's caravan.

It's probably where he's keeping
all his cash.

Nice one.
Right, so, listen.

So we find that caravan,
as requested.

We take the f*cking money
from out of it.

He's gonna think the guys that
stole the caravan took the cash.

We say, "We just found this caravan
dumped in a field."

Doesn't have to know, does he?

So he...he's just gonna assume
that we've done our job.

Right? You know what I mean?
We keep the f*cking cash.

He's gonna be none the wiser.
By the way...

we have a f*cking reward
of ten f*cking grand.

Madam. Please, madam. Oh, madam!

Oh, madam! Oh, sh*t, dude.

Hello.

What's up, love?

All right, sweetheart,
just slow down a little bit.

All right.
Listen, I'm on my way right now.

I'm on my way.

The police are on their way.
Just try to remain calm.

Don't f*cking tell me to calm down.
Erin.

What's going on?
Tyler's gone missing.

He not arrived at school, Vin.
All right, sweetheart.

Where's the f*cking police?!
They're on their way.

Just calm down a little bit.
What do we know?

He... He forgot his lunch box

and when I came in t'school
to drop it off, he wasn't here.

He could've bunked off, could he?
No.

A voice message had been left
on the school phone.

It appears a man
claiming to be Tyler's grandad
left a message on our voicemail

to say that Tyler wouldn't be
in today due to him being ill.

He hasn't got a f*cking grandad!
We realise that now.

Did you recognise his voice?
Do you know who it is?

We don't know.
Christ on a bike,

it's a f*cking joke this, in't it?
The police are on their way.

They'll be able
to trace the voicemail.

I wanna hear the voicemail
f*cking now!

'Message received Friday at 8:47am.'

JIM: 'This is
Tyler Croft's Grandad.'

BOTH: Jim.
'I'm calling
to report Tyler absent.'

I'll stop that there. That's Jim.
Yeah.

Thanks for your time. Sorry.
OK. Sorry.

Where is he?
Eh? Who?

What do you mean who?
f*cking Tyler.

Tyler?
Jim!

I'm not f*cking about. Where is he?
There.

Is he driving that juggernaut?
Jim!

f*cking hell.
You're in some sh*t, dude.

Tyler, we thought something terrible
might have happened to you.

What were you thinking?
Why are you not at school?

I don't like school.
Excuse me? Since when?

You were fine last week.
What's the matter with you?

Just forget it, Mum.
We'll talk about this at home.

I am fuming with you.
Absolutely fuming with you.

Right, so you tell me
how it's dangerous.

I showed him where the brakes are.

What are they gonna do at school
except fill his head

with a load of woke bollocks
about the world being round?

It f*cking IS round.
Jesus Christ, Jim.

Look, the lad's doing good here.

He's my best worker.
Is he?

Are you paying him for it all?
Well, it's like an apprenticeship.

Yeah, I'll bet it is. Yeah.
Invaluable life skills.

He's the perfect size to climb in
and clear any jams in the baler.

Right, Tyler?
It's a bad story to tell.

We're going.
Vinnie, keep him away from me.

I'm gonna m*rder you, Jim.
I am gonna f*cking m*rder you.

I understand. No, I get it.
Shut up, man.

I'm not the totally insensitive
Neanderthal you think I am.

I can tell when you're on a period.
It's no problem.

What did you say?
Eh? No, no.

What the f*ck did you say, Jim?!
I didn't say anything!

Say it again!
I didn't say anything!

You f*cking did, Jim.
Say it again now!

Vinnie.
You're a dickhead.

You misheard me.
Keep her going, Vin.

I might have the panini.

I have to see a man
about a rabbit in half an hour.

They're short-staffed.

Shouldn't take much longer.

What do you mean you have to see
a man about a rabbit?

It means I have to see a man...
about a rabbit.

Lola's gonna turn four. She really
wants a rabbit for her birthday.

Wow. Four already? Time flies.

Yep.

I heard you've had some issues when
you took over the Benson Street lot.

That's a whole load more plates
to keep spinning.

I'm not losing any sleep.

Yeah?

You need to tell me your secret.

No secret.
Just no caffeine after noon,

a bit of yoga nidra...

and people who can be depended on.

And how IS Vincent?

Triple espresso...

and two hot chocolates.

Er...two hot chocolates
with marshmallows.

Oh, I'm really sorry.

We were running low
and only had enough for the one?

Shall we let our guest...

have some of the marshmallows,

Davey?

Friends share, don't they?

There's more than enough
to go round for everybody.

In't that right, Manolito?

No need for anyone to get upset,
is there?

It's not always so simple, though.
Oh?

People DO get upset.

Sometimes you have friends
who upset other friends.

And those other friends, they don't
want to share with them any more.

Well, maybe in such a scenario...

..you'll be well placed to make
the case to this..."friend"...

..that such an arrangement
would be beneficial for all.

We're friends.

We can be trusted.

You know we've honoured
our agreement

not to circulate certain...pictures.

Unfortunately, I very much doubt
I would have any success

in persuading
this particular friend.

You're being modest.

We both know you can be
very persuasive if you want to.

That's flattering...

but this friend I'm thinking of...

is quite discerning
about the company he keeps...

and was adamant
about not doing business

with anybody
who's unpleasant to his friends.

Mm.

I swear on our Barry's grave,
we didn't kidnap Dylan.

We've been nowhere near him.

So why would Dylan tell Vinnie
that you DID?

I do not know, Donna.

If he was here, I'd ask him.

When you've finished sucking
on that, I'll wait in t'car.

That goes in t'recycling.

Then you should put it there,
if it means that much to you.

You know, Tyler,
I'm so upset with you.

I really am. I can't...

Honestly, I can't believe
that you lied to me.

I'm in two minds to not let you go
to this barbecue later on.

Good.

Excuse me, what do you mean "good"?
DRIVER: What the f*ck?!

I said "good". I don't wanna go.

Why don't you wanna go, man?

Cos Seb will be there -
and he picks on me.

Seb? What you talking about?
You two are friends.

You've known each other
since nursery.

He's not my friend.
He still goes on about

when I wet myself in nursery -
and tells everyone.

Oh, God.
Right.

This is the kid
that's bullied you before, is it?

No, it's, erm, it's another one.
No, it's a little sh*t in his class.

His mum's one of the PTA
cake stall Nazis.

All right, well, listen,
don't worry about Seb.

If I see him, I'll pull his arse -
We'll resolve it with words.

We'll have a chat with him.
That's what grown-ups do.

Right, I'll talk to Seb's mum later.

What, at the barbecue thing?
Yeah.

What is it, like,
a kids-and-parentsy type deal?

It is, yeah.
So why the bloody hell

haven't you asked ME to come?
Vin, you would've said no.

I might not have done.
Might've wanted it.

No, you hate things like that.

Like what?
Things with lots of people there.

Like a big, you know...
gathering...people.

I DO avoid people.

Well, f*ck!
That's the abducted caravan!

sh*t!
What?

f*cking ring Ashley!
Bloody caravan!

f*ck!

ASHLEY: I can see Rhoda's caravan
hidden away up that hill there.

It's definitely the McGuigans.
They got moved on last week.

Looks like they're fixing
for a celebration.

The two of them sisters
there fighting...

..they've both had the misfortune
to be engaged to Doolan before.

Why would they bother
taking a shite caravan?

Well, I mean, happen that's where
he DOES keep his bloody cash.

That's where Franny's money is.
He wouldn't know that. WE didn't.

And we're flesh and blood.
It's deeper and thicker than water.

Shut up! For crying out wittering.

Look, the f*cking caravan's got
a ten-grand reward on it, right,

and if we all find Franny's money,

that's just a f*cking
massive bonus, innit?

Now listen to me now. Hey. Hey!

I'm pondering, aren't I!
Give over pondering.

I'm speculating.
I need you lot

to scope that sh*t out after dark.
Eh? Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

"You lot"?
I've gotta go to a f*cking barbecue.

Do you know that? sh*t.
There's loads of bloody spaces.

We could've parked up here.
Oh, yeah.

You all right?
Me?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Are YOU all right? How you feeling?
Fine.

Good? Listen, I wouldn't blame you
if you weren't fine.

You're not going in there
on your own.

You're going in there with a very
exclusive properly hard g*ng.

We're not a g*ng! We're a family.
Yes, well, it's the same, innit?

It's the same,
only we never leave each other.

You know,
always have each other's back.

Never not be there.
Do you understand?

Yeah.
Right, you.

OK. What?
Better have my back in there.

I'm terrified.
I've got your back.

Hi! Erin, Tyler.
Oh, I'm so glad you came.

Mm.

I'm Vinnie. I'm Tyl...
Tyler's...

I'm Tyler's dad.
Yeah.

You're welcome. Come in, come in.

Come on.
All right!

♪ EMPIRE OF THE SUN:
We Are The People

Oh, there you go. He's happy.
There's his mates, look.

Got some friends over there.
Yeah.

Help yourself to drinks.
Thank you.

Erin.
Yeah?

Are you OK?
Oh, hiya. You all right?

No...

No.

Hubby!

Introducing Vinnie.
Hiya. You all right?

Vinnie.
Now, then.

Good to finally meet you.
Heard a lot about you from Tyler.

Have you? Little bugger.
Combination there.

Do you know Greg, Craig,
Adrian, Toby?

You all right, lads? How's it going?
Adrian's Eva's dad. Toby's Harry's.

And Greg and Craig
are Freddy's dads.

So welcome to the dad g*ng.
It's not got a uniform, has it?

There's a lot of beige pants.

In't there?
And the Hawaiian Shirts.

You look like a calypso group.
Look at you.

No, it's just a...

happy coincidence, you know,
can't go wrong.

Well, you CAN go wrong,
cos you've all worn the same sh*t.

You look...

Uh...
Mm.

Well, we're flying back again
next half term.

What'll that be?
Your fourth trip abroad this year?

Yeah! I mean...
I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it

if we weren't already taking steps
to reduce our carbon footprint.

Oh, we put in a wood burner.
Oh.

Lorraine.
Yeah?

Can I have a word?
Oh, sorry.

If it's about the cake stall,
my hands are tied.

Oh -There's still
a waiting list for helpers.

No, no, no, it's about your Seb.
Erm, so he's been...

He's been saying things about Tyler,
to the other kids and -

Oh, God, Erin. Boys!
What are they like?

All as bad as one another.
Uh...don't know about that.

What are we gonna do, eh?
They're doomed to turn into men!

Katherine,
what's going on with these mojitos?

I don't want yous going home sober.

Coming up.
Listen. Maybe....

Oh, yes, this is my jam! Wooh!

♪ JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE: Rock Your Body

Go and have a look.
Is it a new barbie?

Brand-new.
It's bonnie.

Yeah, have a look a that.
Very nice.

How are you getting on, lad?
I'm good, thanks.All right.

Can I have a go with your tongs?
Yeah, go for it.

f*cking range on them.
You know they're good, don't you?

Just gonna have a go
at one of these sau-sarges.

It's harder than it looks, innit?

They're very thi...
quite thin sau-sarges.

Oh, it's f*cking dropped in.

Gone right down there, hasn't it?

Oh, no, it's gone.

Take that off me,
cos honestly I'm just f*cking use...

Lads, listen. I'm sorry.
I don't socialise well.

I thought...
I thought I could f*cking handle it.

But there's just too much going on.

You're fine, man.
No, it's not fine.

I'm f*cking rude and I'm weird.
You're all in this Hawaiian sh*t.

I don't understand. It's freaking...
You're fine, mate.

Erin?

♪ BIG COUNTRY: In A Big Country

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

This is giving me f*cking bad jujus.

It's giving me Wrong Turn vibes.

Why would they park a caravan
right up here...

unless they've got
something to hide?

Who's going in, then?
Who's going in?

Who's going in?
Ashley, get gone.

CAROL: Come on,
we want to know what's in there.

Why's it always me first?
I don't take orders from you.

You f*cking will.
Carol, tell Ashley to go inside

and make sure no-one's in there.
Go and have a look in there.

What's gonna be in there?
It's not anything scary?

Go on.
I'm right behind you.

Let's go. Come on.

Where do you reckon
the money's hidden?
Can't be too many places.

Look, let's just get in and out.

There's Aloysius there. Look.
Err. It's f*cking weird.

Why is this chain
locked to the fridge?

Shh, shh, shh.
Shut the f*ck up, lads. Shh.

Oh, wait, guys. What's that?

What is in there
that needs chaining up?

What the f*ck?!

Doolan!
f*ck sake, you terrible c**t!

You scared Ashley half to death.

Why the f*ck
are you chained to a fridge?

Are you not supposed to be
in Ireland, hiding out?

The McGuigans burst in just as I was
about to leave for the ferry.

I managed to barricade myself
into the jacks pretty good,

so's they couldn't get at me.

Next thing I know, they're taking
the whole caravan with me in it.

Why? What are they gonna do to you?
They want revenge.

They're forcing me to marry
Dervla McGuigan in the morning.

Ah, right. Yeah. Dervla McGuigan.
I've been so scared.

I don't want to have to get married.
I'm too young.

I just get caught up in the whole
romance of it all, you know?

Oh, er. Yeah, no, we HAVE heard.

I'm so relieved
you've come to rescue me.

Ah, right. Man up there, Doolan.

Which one is it?
Him.

The one in the glasses?Yeah.
And terrible shirt.

All right, lads? Seb, hiya.

Can I have a quick word?
What about?

Er, well, listen.

I think you might not be aware
that some of the things

you're saying about Tyler
is making him really sad.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

You know, I don't think you realise
that bringing certain things up
from people's past

can be embarrassing for that person.
What? About him wetting himself?

Yeah, but it was a long time ago.
It was in nursery!

I mean, everyone's
had accidents growing up.

It's not my fault, though, is it?
Sorry?

It's not my fault
that HE wet himself and people
call him Little Miss Piss Pants.

Well, I'm not saying that.

But you're the one bringing it up
and telling people.

All I'm doing is
telling the truth, right?

Am I not allowed to tell the truth?
Well, I'm not suggesting that, am I?

Good, cos you can't stop
my right to free speech.

It's a free country.
I can tell whoever I want
that he pissed his pants.

Well, yeah. Yeah, you could but I
don't understand why you'd want to.

Cos it's funny.
It's funny?

Yeah.
Yeah. It's not funny to Tyler.

It is to a lot of other people.
People have a right to know

that he might piss his pants on them
at any moment.

OK.

Oh, Seb!

Oh, no, he's had an accident!

Oh. Er, Lorraine?

Lorraine, Seb -
he's had an accident!

He's peed in his chinos.
I didn't do it.

Are you Seb?
He's peed...

He's pissed his trousers.
Your mum's coming.

Your mum's coming.
♪ Little Sebby piss pants!

♪ Little Sebby piss pants!

♪ Little Sebby piss pants!
Little Sebby piss pants!

Sick!
♪ One of these days, these boots...

I didn't do it.
♪ ..are gonna walk all over you ♪

Oh, bugger.

They make it look so easy
in films, don't they?

I told you.
What would the world be like

if every lock could be picked
by a f*cking fork or a nail file?

Should we just put some butter
on your wrist or something?

f*ck sake,
you're the brains of the op, eh?

Is there no-one better could help?

What are they up to?

Nothing. Just...nothing.

TOMMO: I can't see anything.
Oh! Hang on! There's something.

There's something!
What?

CAROL: A safe?
It's here, I've got it.

It's a handle. It's a...
And are you pulling it?

Yep, I'm pulling it.
I'm pulling it.

Ah, come on, Tommo.
Put your shoulder into it, will you?

Do it!
I got it moving a little bit.

Yes!Yes.
Come on, Tommo! Go, man!

It's coming loose! Ah!

Jesus f*cking Christ,
what the f*ck is the smell?

He's released the toilet t*nk.
Yeah.

I never knew there was
such a thing in there.

Jesus Christ.
You don't use the toilet?

Never in the caravan.
That's f*cking disgusting.

That's unhygienic.

Oh. Hi, Tommo. You OK?

So, Cardi says Francis
has his cash under the caravan?

Oh, Jesus.
There's no cash under there, Doolan.

What the f*ck happened to him?
Oh, Jesus.

Toilet emptied on him.

You all right, Tommo?
Mmm.

I'm...sort of processing.

Maybes Francis left money
somewhere else in the caravan.

Yeah, probably. Yeah.

Cardi, what are you
supposed to be doing?

I j-j-just...

Put the f*cking crisps down
and look for the money!

All these years of trying
to get my own back on that
tight bastard brother of mine,

and his cash was here somewhere.
You're not getting a cut of it.

What? I f*cking deserve a cut
after the sh*t he put me through.

What are you on about?
You've just been rescued.

You don't get a cut
if you've been rescued.

I don't make the rules.
I just implement them.

There's no money here, anyway.
We've searched every inch.

Aw, sh*t, I was so sure it was here.

Nah, Francis would never leave it
somewhere where we can easily
just stumble upon it.

We have to go and get the tools
and come back for Doolan.

What?! You can't leave me here.

They're coming for me
in the morning.

They're gonna forcibly marry me.
Please don't leave me!

OK, Doolan. All right, Uncle.
Breath now. Relax.

Don't forget your breathing.
Doolan, will you f*cking man up?

Come on.
See you.

Oh, see you, then.

Love you loads.

You're my precious sweet peach.

He's f*cking cheered up.
Gum.

You're a badass mum, you know?
You're my Brandy...

Brandy Vermouth.Vermouth.
I can't say it.

Well, you're a badass dad,
Vincent O'Neil.

Flirting.
Mmm-hmm.

You coming in?

Yeah, definitely.

You know what?

It's Ashley.

Course it is.

Go on.
sh*t.

What do you want, you?

'We need a tow.
Soon as possible, please.'

Course.

You need to go. OK?
Sorry.

It's OK.
I'm so sorry.

I'll see you tomorrow.
All right.

I fancy you loads.
Night.

Loads and loads.

f*cking... Where are you, then?

ASHLEY: Excuse me.
Can you stay back please, Tommo?

You stink bad. Carol, tell him.

Stay back, you're f*cking rancid.

Doolan, can you push a bit harder?

We're after f*cking saving you!

Right, Vin's gonna meet us
with Jim and his tractor...

on Steep Lane.
CAROL: Where the f*ck is Steep Lane?

Steep lane,
that's f*cking two fields away.

This is stupid.
We're gonna get caught.

We're gonna get caught if you don't
stop your f*cking griping.

DERVLA: Doolan!
I love you! I want you!

I can't wait until, tomorrow.
Oh, sh*t.

Dervla, don't.
It's bad luck before the wedding.

I want him to see
how beautiful I look.

I just love him so much.

Wait.

They're taking the caravan!

f*cking bastard!
Leg it!

Oh!

He's trying to escape!

Push! Push!

♪ DAVID BOWIE: Suffragette City

CAROL: They're sh**ting at us!

Just get it rolling down the hill!

That's right. Shut up!
Ow!

That's it! That's it. Push!

CARDI: It's moving. Keep moving!

k*ll them!
ASHLEY: Push!

Sorry, Uncle!
You're on your own!

Get in! Get in!

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Come on, run!

Run, Doolan! Run, boy!

Hold on there, boy.
Run, Doolan, run! Run!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

♪ When you're smiling

♪ When you're smiling

♪ The whole world smiles with you

Oh, no, you f*ckin' stink!

Eurgh! f*cking eurgh!

Bastards! You!

You f*cked us anyway.

Oh, no!

Oh! The golden ticket!

The golden ticket!
I've won 50 grand, lads!

The ticket! The golden ticket!

What the f*ck?

Doolan, grab the ticket!
It's worth 50 grand.

Get the ticket!
Get the ticket!



It's the ticket off the crisps!
The golden ticket!


Give it to me!

Doolan, grab the fridge door!

I can't believe you've let Tyler
drive that f*cking death trap.

F-f*cking death trap?

Hey, it wasn't a death trap
when YOU was his age, was it?

Hey? It was all right then.

Can you just shut up wittering,
you old... Oh, what the f*ck?

There's Doolan
holding a fridge door.

Hi, there, Doolan.

Oh, you f*cking stink, Tommo. Oh.

What the f*ck?
We found the golden ticket, man,

but now the McGuigans have got it.

We couldn't find any hidden money.
We found Doolan.

He got hit in the face
with a fridge door

and now we all stink of old poo!
Gross.

Because Tommo was deliberately
rubbing up against us.

f*cking get it together! We've got
to get the f*ck out of here!

All right. Style it out.
Style it out.

We're just on a walk with t'dogs.

It's fuckin ruined.

Well, you know, I mean, Christ.

She's been through the bloody mill,

but that is still
a very good workhorse, that.

I wouldn't say it's ruined.
Do you know what I mean?

I would. You trashed it,
so you won't be getting ten grand.

Bit of gaffer tape.

It never were worth ten grand.

Eh. Shut your hole, you.
Yep.

Very angry, in't he?
Angry old man.

Shall we f*ck off?
He's depressed. That's what it is.

Can we leave him?
Trapped rage.

♪ THE SPENCER DAVIS GROUP:
Gimme Some Lovin'

♪ Let me in, baby,
I don't know what you got

♪ But you better take it easy,
this place is hot

♪ And I'm so glad we made it

♪ So glad we made it

♪ You gotta gimme some lovin'

♪ Gimme, gimme some lovin'

♪ Gimme some lovin'
♪ Gimme, gimme some lovin'

♪ Gimme some lovin'
♪ Every day... ♪

You all right, Fran. Are you happy?

You'll have to buy her a new fridge
is all I knows.

You're putting her back
in that sh*t hole?

That woman is very fond
of her wagon.

Stomp, stomp, Hagrid. f*cking hell.

Hagrid.
Never mind f*cking Hagrid.

I reckon we should feel good there.

We've done
a really good thing there.

f*cking hero stuff.

Now, then, come here to me, you.
She's the apple of me eye.

Gorgeous woman, are you happy
you've got your wagon back?

f*cking state it is.

Want an 'and with your bullshit?
No, I don't, and it's not sh*t!

You all right, Granny?

Sit down, love. OK, Great Gran.

She's got her home back, hasn't she?
Yes, thank you.

Oh, that's nice.

Now...
Wrecking the gaff.

Hey, what's the petrol for,
Great Gran?

Oh...sh*t.

Oh...

CAROL: After all that!
f*cking hell!

What the f*ck?

What the f*ck?!

TOMMO: She's only gone and done it!
No! The caravan!

My f*cking money! No!

f*ck!

No!

Oh, Christ, he loved that caravan.

f*ck!

I've never seen him
so f*ckin' upset.

Well, that's summat at least.

f*ck!

No! No! f*ck!

No!

f*ck!

f*ck!

Aarghh!

It's nice to meet you, Erin.

Yeah, you too.

I've heard a lot about you.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure.

Why do you think Vinnie
wanted you to come today?

I guess he wants you to explain
why he's such a monstrous f*ck up.

Now, there's a challenge.

Mr Rabbit Man here took my money
for a snow-white bunny rabbit

and on the day of my Lola's
birthday, he says there is problem.

I'll get you a white bunny.

Oh, f*cking hell!

What the f*ck were you thinking,
driving so recklessly?

Look at the size of this bastard!
Can I have him back now?

You don't have to do this
if you don't want to.

No, I do. I have to do it
for me and for Carol.