01x04 - You Have Insulted Tchaikovsky

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ [Mozart on piano]

Remember, whoever is most impertinent has the best chance.

I pay no attention whatever to anybody's praise or blame.

I simply follow my own feelings.

That's just what I'm trying to do, Herr Mozart.

Horse manure.

Horse manure.

Aw, tell me, how are the boys... Ryan and...

What are their f*cking names again?

Scott.

Ryan and Scott. They're twins.

Ryan and Scott, they're twins. Okay.

From the top.

Wife, daughter, niece, Kira... Okay.

Oh, Helena. Ravishing. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Congrats on the Picasso. Blah, blah, blah.

How are Ryan and Scott? You know I'm on the board of Princeton, if you should need anything.

They're 4 years old.

Ah, sh*t, right.

Okay. Now I move onto Mrs. Burlingame.

Welcome. My condolences.

Eugene was a fine, fine man.

Oh, I see you've already met our new captain Rodrigo.

Pretend to be the maestro.

Uh, he declined.

Excuse me?

He's not coming.

I left a note on your desk.

Show me where his office is.

No one ever listens to me around here.

Sharon!

Coming.

If he's going to have us rehearsing over the summer break, the least we can demand is that he keep the room at a comfortable 72.

70.

What do you care?

It doesn't affect the f*cking triangle.

It's an idiophone.

It resonates more clearly at 70.

That is such a g*dd*mn myth.

Can we try to stay focused on this?

Lazlo used to tell him to shut it.

Don't put Cynthia in that box, man.

Guys...

She's her own dude.

Bob: I have low circulation.

You're on my side, right?

You know you get a clearer tone...

My hands can't move fast when it's cold...

This is bullshit.

Who cares about rehearsal room temperature when management is trying to cut our sick pay by 40% and our pension payout in half?

Only for new hires.

D.D.: We're all in this together.

Don't short change our young brothers and sisters, Bob.

Cynthia: Exactly.

Rodrigo: Fill it a little bit less than three quarters.

More. More. More.

More.

It's always a bit messy, so don't worry about it.

The important thing is to shake it, so now put your hand on top of the gourd.

Now turn it over. Yeah.

And shake. Shake, shake, shake it very hard. Shake.

More. Shake.

Okay, now turn it over and back.

The water has to be below boiling, so 85 degrees Celsius or less.

Now pour the water where the level is low where the leaves are like a little hill.

The yerba has to absorb it. Allow it.

And put the bombilla, the straw.

Uh-huh. Okay. And now we wait.

But don't turn off the tape.

You stay there, and I will be right here.

I'll tell you when it feels right.

Hailey, why the oboe?

Well, uh, well... my dad suggested it because my grandmother had played, so...

[laughing]

Ah, man, it's funny, you know?

I'm sorry. It was a joke.

It's funny because I'm not there, you know?

[chuckle] Forgive me.

Eagle!

There's an eagle outside.

Where's your snake? ¿Dónde está tu serpiente?

Aah! Aah! Aah!

It's fascinating, an eagle in the city, you know?

I can relate.

Okay, Hailey, now it should be ready.

Slurp in the first sip and then spit it right out.

Spit it, spit it. Don't drink it.

Don't drink it because it's too bitter.

Wait a few seconds.

Okay. Good.

Now drink it.

Okay.

That is how mate should taste.

This is a real pain in the ass, Sharon.

What the hell is this?

I showed him the offices upstairs.

He preferred to be closer to the ground.

He liked the acoustics better.

Closer to the ground?

We are under the ground.

I didn't even know this was here.

... good digestion...

[knock on door]

Maestro, it's Gloria.

[recording stops]

Maestro, may I come in?

Mrs. Windsor, hi.

Where is he?

Uh, the maestro went to the library.

He said it...

Call him.

Uh, okay.

Is there, like, a faster way to use this?

You must have had a lot of patience in the olden days.

[coughing]

♪♪ [classical ringtone]

[ringtone stops]

Mate. It's, like, actually, a really amazing...

I don't care. Listen, young lady, there was a very black, very stretched limousine idling out front.

It is here to take my maestro to an event of great importance to us.

I want you to take this car to the library, put him in it, and get him there in an hour.

It's formal. Any later, and I will have a seizure of some kind, and you will lose your job... again.

Sharon, I'm going to reverse out.

[no audible dialogue]

[line ringing]

su1c1de prevention. This is Lizzie.

Hey, Lizzie, where are you?

Do you know that dry cleaner on Grand?

Awesome bulletin board.

Is it weird that I think I qualify for, like, literally all these jobs?

Man, I've got some calls to make.

Oh, thank God you're here.

I'm looking for a man that has, like...

I've got this, Hail.

Is there, like, a quiet room where, uh, a man could meditate or marinate?

Something like that.

You mean like a library?

Let's go.

Here he is. Is this him?

Uh-uh.

Helena. Ah. Look at you. Stunning.

How are those two handsome little boys, Ryan and Scott?

You know, I'm on the board of Collegiate... when the time comes, of course.

Edna, you look beautiful.

Margaret, love the Lanvin.

God, it's a shame about Eugene.

I can't imagine not seeing him at the Everglades this winter with his brilliant collection of cravats.

You know, he lent me one once.

Oh, I never gave it back to him.

I'm going to treasure it forever. Isn't that right, love?

Thomas loves that cravat.

I do.

I'll check in with you later, okay?

Bunny.

It's such a treat to see you, Gloria.

And you.

So where's this handsome young matador you hired to run the place?

Well, you can't rush genius.

Excuse me just one moment.

May I borrow the maestro?

Oh, Excuse me.

Ah ha.

The natives are getting restless.

Well, you hired the capricious child.

Look, all I'm saying is we can't be surprised by his mañana attitude.

What time is it?

Oh.

Um, oh, bugger me, it's late.

All right. No worries, darling.

I will, as they say, seize the day.

Um, ladies, please, may I have your attention?

Please, gather around.

Welcome, old friends and new, to this little fête to kick-start off our 2015 capital campaign, or, as we like to call it, capital punishment.

[laughter]

Now, last year, you generously endowed the concertmaster's chair.

This year, we're asking you as a group to endow two batons, mine and our new incoming conductor Mr. de Souza.

Now, each of you will have a number of musical notes in front of you, and on those notes there will be different numbers.

So we're asking you to raise a note... preferably the one with the most zeroes on it... for myself and for the other fella.

That way, we will find out which one of us maestros is the most well endowed.

[laughter]

Thank you.

I know it's a cheap, cheap joke.

You know, by the time I was your age, I was dead.

I know, maestro.

I'm aware.

Hmm. That's curious.

I didn't even bother to finish that one.

Oh, maestro, I'm trying to find the music within the music, the essence, not the... the appearance.

Oh. A poet.

It seems to me to be about glory.

[speaking German]

[imagining Mozart music]

[running footsteps]

[whistling]

Maestro.

[music stops]

Hailey.

Oh, can you... can you knock?

Just knock, knock?

I did. I was just knocking on a book, so it was really soft and old.

It didn't really make a sound.

That's fine.

Okay. Apologies then. Thank you for knocking.

Uh, maestro, I really need you to come with me.

I will explain everything later.

Who is she? Who are you?

I'm Lizzie.

I live with her.

And, uh, this is your suit.

I lost the receipt.

I hate the plastic.

Maestro, as we move forward, could we please work out some kind of shared schedule?

Rod, my old boss...

Lizzie, please.

Maestro, my old boss was having an affair, and we came up with a k*ller color coded system to keep it all straight, and, you know...

Lizzie.

... it worked.

Mm-hmm. Mm.

Wait.

Do you hear that?

What?

That.

[rhythm of tires on bridge]

Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

Ta-ta ta-ta-ta.

[rhythm continues with snare drum]

Yes.

Yeah?

Yeah.

No.

[rhythm continues with snare drum]

The snare drums.

Are you guys f*cking with me?

And that...

[car engines become string instruments]

Strings.

[horns honking]

[honking becomes brass instruments]

[phone rings]

[Woodwinds double Lizzie speaking]

Oh, hey, Mom.

No, I'm just in a cab with a couple of stoners.

My mom says hi, Hailey.

And those are the woodwinds.

The melody.

[woodwinds swelling]

¿Por qué los violinistas son tan malos amantes?

Muy buena.

No.

[laughing]

Sorry. What?

You see, you always have to keep your instruments very close.

Mm.

We're going to do a little, um...

How do you say? Detour?

What?

Mm-hmm.

♪♪ ["Minute Waltz"]

This is dedicated to my lovely wife Claire.

40 years in December.

She who masters the maestro.

You are so fortunate.

Yes.

♪♪ [jazz]

Come on, ladies, don't let me sing for my supper.

I have a terrible voice.

Ah.

Thank you. Thank you so much, Anne.

Maybe more notes will appear.

[cell phone vibrates]

Yes, darling?

There is a message for you from Constanze.

Constanze? I don't know a Constanze.

Of course you do. Constanze was Mozart's wife.

Only you're no Mozart, and that slut Cynthia is nobody's wife, darling.

What the hell are we going to do about this refrigerator situation?

Why are you putting it in quotes?

Here we go again.

It's full of stinky old Chinese food...

First of all, it's Thai food.

Plus it's not old. That's how it smells.

Fine. It's full of stinky old brand-new Thai food.

Point is my new medication says"Keep refrigerated," and there's no room.

Okay.

Well, go into battle for a bigger fridge.

Really, we will. I'll put it on the list.

Ernesto.

Gracias.

Don't worry, Hailey. It will be fast.

Gloria is going to have a seizure of some kind, and I'm going to lose my job again.

But you do not work for Gloria.

Smells like heaven.

Smells like a home.

Uno, dos, y trés.

[speaking Spanish]

♪♪ [salsa]

[singing in Spanish]

[whistling]

[speaking Spanish]

We got to get out of here.

Mm.

If you lose your job, can I have it?

Oh.

Please forgive me for being so terribly late.

Mrs. Remeny, apologies.

Apologies. The McGills. Ah, strength.

Mrs. Beckenbauer, it's always nice to see you everywhere in the world. Everywhere, everywhere.

Gloria.

Ah, thank God you've arrived.

Ladies, may I introduce you to the new crown jewel of our symphony?

[applause]

Bravo!

Come on, dear, no need to shout.

Thank you. Thank you.

So nice to finally meet you, maestro.

I'm Bunny...

Sheiffelbein. Mrs. Sheiffelbein, yes?

I'm glad we could drag you away from the...

What is it? The Joffrey.

Joffrey, yes. Thank you for coming.

I miss your hair.

Well, I have some locks that I kept, so I can send you one whenever.

Oh.

Any time.

Maestro.

So good of you to finally join us.

It drives me crazy to arrive so late. I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no, no, no. You're right on time.

Well, maestro, Thomas played for us.

Are you going to play for us as well?

No.

No, no, no.

I think we're going to do something a little bit different.

Mrs. Sheiffelbein, can I borrow your glass, please?

You can borrow anything you want.

Mm.

[ting ting]

Okay.

Okay, Gloria.

Rodrigo, we can get you your own drink.

Can somebody please give him a glass of champagne?

It's okay. Oh, please. Would you mind, uh, sitting there?

And please, I need your help.

Can you come with your glasses as well, please?

And you, okay, yes, please. Just put yourself there.

Everyone come closer, please.

Would you please come?

Okay, let me see these.

Okay. Good.

Now, if I may be so bold to ask you all to wet your finger, please?

[women giggling]

Then what should we do with it?

Nothing too risqué.

It's a shame.

For the love of God.

Now place your finger very lightly on the top of the glass like this.

♪♪

And... do you feel it?

It's happening, right?

Okay, now, everyone, stop, please, and, Mrs. Sheiffelbein, would you mind?

♪

Good. Mrs. Gibbs?

Good. Okay, Mrs. Sheiffelbein?

*

Mrs. Gibbs?

*

Okay, good.

Now follow me, okay? We're going to do this a little bit faster, all right?

So, and...

♪♪ ["Für Elise]

♪♪

Oh, my God.

Yes.

Gloria: Oh!

Yes.

[chatter]

Marvelous, marvelous.

Thank you.

Ladies, who would like to endow that baton?

[chatter]

We have a 5,000 there.

Oh, look, 20,000.

Thank you, Mrs. Sheiffelbein.

Claire, what... [glass shatters]

Damn!

Mrs. Pembridge,

10, 000. Thank you, maestro.

Damn it.

Thank you, thank you.

[gasping]

Are you aware that this man has publicly stated that the New York Symphony is an irrelevant corpse?

Thomas.

And furthermore, he's experimented with and endorsed the use of illegal hallucinogenics.

He flits from composer to composer, mocking a carefully considered program, because the"1812 Overture" is obviously not good enough for him!

God, I'm sick of his g*dd*mn stupid...

Maestro, maestro, have I insulted you in any way?

Worse! You have insulted Tchaikovsky.

Oh, God, I wish I'd watched Real Madrid all those years ago instead of judging that damned youth conducting competition.

Thomas, enough. Settle down.

L... let's go outside just for a minute. Come on.

No, you stay. I'll go.

It's what you've been wanting for years.

Thomas, control yourself.

Go suck on a lemon.

Maestro?

[subway rumbling]

[traffic, surrounding chatter becomes orchestra tuning up]

Man: Hey, Johnny, I have no problem whatsoever opening up your f*cking face and shoving that breakfast burrito straight down your throat into your fat stomach.

What the f*ck? Get to work!

[Radio news chattering indistinctly]

Hmm.

Junior, where's that lighter fluid?

Maestro.

Rodrigo.

Please, come in.

Ahh. I'm mortified. I'm gutted.

Please forgive me if anything I said yesterday made you feel like I do not respect you because I respect you so much.

Forgiven. Absolutely, utterly forgiven.

Thank you.

The heir to the throne must always k*ll the king.

I did it to Scherheiser, and that's what you're doing to me.

It's the law of the jungle, isn't it? I mean, there can only be one lion at a time.

What are you doing?

[knock on door]

Ah.

Hi. Sorry.

So I couldn't find lighter fluid, but I have paint thinner and kerosene. That work?

Obviously, kerosene. Thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

You can go.

Yes. Okay.

Hmm. Well. Yeah.

Look, um...

I'm going on sabbatical.

Sabbatical?

Mm-hmm.

Where are you going to go?

Somewhere warm, somewhere quiet, somewhere where I can think and read and write and...

Ah, yes.

Here, I'm completely b*rned out here.

I've got to recharge.

I understand. I so understand.

No, you don't, but you will.

Would you mind? My back is out.

Could you help me with these?

Absolutely.

Would you mind?

Yes.

Junior's one arm short at the moment.

You know, you may want to consider working within the system rather than bashing your head against a brick wall time and time again.

You know, you really should trust me.

Excellent.

You sure?

There goes my whole life.

Yeah.

For God's sake, get out of that f*cking hoveland take my office.

It's the only sanctuary you're ever going to have.

I'm not that into offices.

You know, to quote the great man,

"To talk well and eloquently is a very great art, but then an equally great one is to know the right moment to stop."

Yes, maestro.

Thank you.

[elevator door opens]

Ha ha. The Benutka family allows us to use this as part of their annual gift. Come on.

Let me show you something.

Wow.

Whew. It's elevated.

You've earned it.

I don't think we've ever raised that much money in one single event.

Ha ha.

And that's net the damages that we had to pay the Knickerbocker Club.

Ha ha ha.

Ai, Gloria, I only have so many of those in me.

Yes, yes. Yes, I understand.

But fundraising is not mundane, my dear.

Neither is my art.

Okay.

I'll do my best to limit the number you have to attend.

On my word.

Thank you.

I, uh, I know that you're less than enthusiastic about the social media proposals.

No, it's fine, it's fine.

And the photo sh**t?

I'll do it.

Come. Ba-ba-ba.

You know, I used to be scared of heights, but then I realized that I was just scared of being scared.

Wow.

Hailey.

Maestro, I have everything that you ordered.

The hammock, though, I had to specially order.

But, uh, the licorice root and the molding clay and the, uh, tagetes lucida...

Titura.

Oh, I've heard of that.

It's wonderful for stomach upset.

And for dreaming, for dreaming...

Oh, yeah. Interesting.

Ciao.

Bye-bye, Gloria. Thank you.

Adios.

Bye, Ms. Spencer.

Oh. Also, this came for you from Greenland.

I thought you might want to see it.

Ai.

[sighs]

What is this?

The melody is so bizarre.

We often wrote in code.

Who?

Ana Maria.

She's coming to New York.

She's telling me to stay away.