02x02 - Gym Class Confidential

[bunniefuu]

♪ Someone once told me th♪ On the other side. r ♪

♪ Well, I paid a visit

♪ While it's possible I missed it ♪

♪ It seemed different yet exactly the same ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪Till further notice♪

♪ Till further notice

♪I'm in between♪

♪ I'm in between

♪From where I'm standing♪

♪ From where I'm standing

♪ My grass is green.

♪ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ♪

♪ On the other side.

COACH: Okay, girls, that's all she wrote for today.

Oh, I should probably inform you girls

that come next Monday,

each and every one of you fine young ladies

will be making a giant lunge towards womanhood.

As in "step, lunge, turn"?

The time has come

for us to watch a certain movie

that I'm sure will answer all your burning questions.

Trust me, no burning questions here.

Report to the gym.

Don't be late.

[gasps]

My sister has a friend who knows a girl

who grew underarm hair from watching the movie.

So, wait-- this movie

is going to cover everything we ever need to know?

Every last detail.

I suspect it's those last details

I'd rather not know about.

Come on, Macie, it can't be that bad.

[girl giggling]

Oh, Ginger!

Simple, innocent Ginger.

Can't be that bad?

I guess you've never seen

one of those movies before, have you?

I hope you're not too freaked out by it.

I guess we'll see.

Oh, I'm sure we will.

[boy chewing noisily]

Are you sure you can't smell me?

Because I swear I'm getting a little gamy.

What do you expect

after days without a bath?

But, Carl, we have another days to go

before we break the record.

Hey, what's that smell?

Carl! Hoodsey.

No, it smells sweet.

Bubble gum! Can I have a piece?

What's it worth to you?

I don't know-- cents?

Don't do it, Carl.

Um, let's see.

How about I trade you for an upclose look

at that monkey tooth you've been bragging about all week?

But this is Mr. Licorice's baby tooth.

It only fell out on Wednesday.

So? This is triple sour.

Deal?

But no keepsies.

I expect that tooth back by the end of class.

Just as I expect that gum back, Higsby.

COACH: Okay, listen up!

As the new gym teacher,

I'm implementing a few changes here at Lucky Elementary.

First you will be required

to wear these standard-issue gym uniforms

that you will take home and have washed at least once a week.

You will provide your own towel

as I expect you to take showers

after any and all physical exercise.

Showers? But, Carl, what about our world record?

Easy. We'll wear plastic bags on our feet to keep them dirty.

It will count the same.

[chewing noisily]

Young man, chewing in my gym is grounds for the shoe box.

[gulps] [gulps]

Whoa, Hoods, check out the prechew.

Now, put your piece in the box.

COACH: And take another piece out of the box.

Eww!

But that's filthy, Mr. Ward.

You heard me!

Take another piece!

[gasps]

And chew it!

Gross!

Now, consider that fair warning

but don't you try me again.

Sorry, Higsby.

Looks like I'm going

to have to keep your security deposit.

No way! I can't even hear the word "puberty"

without breaking into a cold sweat.

You're on your own, you guys.

I'm not watching it.

What if you just close your eyes during the bad parts?

The sounds of female development

have to be just as horrible as the sights.

But aren't you curious about what's going on with our bodies?

There's nothing going on with my body.

Look! See!

But, Macie, puberty is, like, just around the corner.

[mumbling]

Well, when and if my time comes to turn that corner,

I'll go on-line and figure it out anonymously.

Macie, think of all the things

we'll have to talk about after this movie.

If you don't see it, you won't have anything to talk about,

and if you're with us,

then nobody will talk to us about anything.

Oh!

You know what, Macie?

Maybe seeing the movie isn't that serious.

It's very serious, Ginger.

Missing out on this is like missing out

on a major part of junior high.

Oh...!

[spraying]

[sniffing]

Now my feet smell like pine-flavored cheese.

Believe me, Jo-Jo will thank me later.

I hate to break it to you, Carl,

but my mom is not your biggest fan.

Yeah, I'm an acquired taste

like, uh, pine-flavored cheese.

Give her time.

Just don't let her force you into taking a bath.

I won't, but I don't know

about these showers in gym.

No need to spaz.

We'll still break that record with our feet.

No, it's just... I mean...

I don't know if I believe

in premarital nudity, okay?

Hey, let's use the monkey tooth

and go fake an extraction

in front of the girls.

You know, I might even have a fake blood pellet lying around.

Carl, you have that glint in your eye.

What are you up to?

Hoods and I were contemplating

our entertainment options for the evening.

I won't ask.

Okay, Mace, just go in and ask to be excused.

[gasps]: I can't do it.

Ginger, you ask for me, please.

Uh, Ms. Powell.

Hello, Ginger, here to join the field hockey team?

Uh, not exactly.

I was wondering-- how important is it

that every student sees the movie on Monday?

Very important, Ginger.

When I was your age, I was pretty naive

but seeing that movie helped me understand my body

and the ebb and flow of its hormones.

Oh!

I learned that I may well grow a moustache one day,

and should that ever happen,

I'm now emotionally prepared to deal with it,

all because of that film.

Oh, that's... great

but, you see, I'm asking

because, um, a friend of mine

is kind of squeamish.

Well, your "friend" had better toughen up.

Viewing this movie is mandatory for all students

as part of the health curriculum.

You don't see it, you don't graduate.

Don't graduate?

POWELL: And your "friend" may still get the moustache.

Then what?

See you on Monday.

How many times do you think I can repeat eighth grade

before it'll get boring?

[sounds echoing slowly in background]

[glass crunches]

Come on, you daffodils! Let me see something!

[kids shouting, playing in background]

Nice ambush work there, Foutley.

It's an honor to be in your service, General.

[kids continue shouting in background]

[spitting]

This rots big-time.

[clarinets squealing as other instruments play]

I just can't wait for that health class movie.

I hear they use time-lapse photography

to show a girl "fill out,"

if you know what I mean.

No kidding?

Looking forward to it.

Funny, that's what Holly Smith said

about the movie last year

but then she saw it, freaked, and joined a convent.

But you might be different.

With any luck, you'll learn a thing or two about growing up.

Listen, Miranda!

I'll be the one to decide

if I'm going to learn anything about growing up!

And you keep playing a C-sharp instead of a B-flat right there

and it's throwing me off!

[chuckling]

Courtney is going to love this.

[clarinet blowing]

WARD: Bishop,

I thought I made the rules perfectly clear.

Oh. Uh... my mom just cleaned my uniform yesterday.

Honest.

I'm referring to rule number seven:

All students will be required to shower after physical exercise.

Oh... I wasn't that physical, really.

Hardly broke a sweat.

I just run a little clammy, yeah.

Besides, I have a highly contagious skin disease

that could wash off in the shower

and spread to everybody else.

Then I suggest you bring a note from your doctor

so that I can properly excuse you.

Otherwise it's a failing grade.

Way to bludgeon out there, Foutley.

It was an inspired battle, General.

See?

these bags work like a charm.

Even makes them sweat better.

There's a glob of my tuna fish salad still in there.

Why didn't you shower?

Oh. Uh... ran out of time.

Mr. Ward was giving me, uh, skiing tips.

You don't ski.

Well, maybe I don't have enough tips yet, Carl.

Uh, doy!

[breathing heavily]

Miranda just told me the funniest story

about band practice today.

It looks like Lightfoot

is a lightweight on all counts.

If Macie doesn't want to see the movie,

it doesn't mean that she's a...

Oh, but it does, Ginger.

That's exactly what it means.

[giggling]

[breathing heavily]

GINGER: Bye, Mace.

Bye.

Call me later.

Uh, can I give you girls a little free advice?

Sometimes you have to move on

and leave friends behind

if you're ever going to get anywhere in life, mm-hmm.

[engine revs]

I told you she would kick us off the bus

if we got too ripe.

That's okay.

It gives us a chance to slow down

and reflect on the highlights of our day.

Like when I beaned Gripling and Higsby

with the same ball.

That game was a little too violent for me.

And thanks for helping me out of prison, by the way.

I was avenging your imprisonment, Hoods.

It's a dumb game.

Are you nuts?!

That was the coolest.

Mr. Ward is showing some real promise

for our future.

You just don't get it, Carl, do you?

I'm going in.

Hey, why don't you sleep over tonight?

We can try to bottle our foot stink.

No, thanks.

I'm, uh... going to hang out with my dad.

See you.

But you never hang out with your dad.

No double- dipping, Carl!

Hey, I don't have the right balance of cheese to pickle.

Ah, this brings me back

to my single days back in Boston.

My best friend, Nancy, and I

lived in an apartment

with a tub in the kitchen.

Do we have any more cling peaches?

LOIS: Behind the raisin log!

Raisin log?

What ever happened to Nancy?

Ah, I guess we sort of went our separate ways.

You were best friends.

Oh, we were!

None better.

But that's the way life works, you know.

Circumstances change and people move on.

When I hear from Nance--

ha!-- it's just like the old days.

Laughing it up.

Except now we're a little older and a little wider.

I can't imagine life without Macie or Dodie.

Ginge, there's no guarantee

you kids won't go your own separate ways

so there's no sense worrying about it.

For now, act like your friendship is forever

and it just might turn out that way.

[slurping loudly]

I can see me and Hoodsey still being friends

years from now.

So can I.

[dramatic music playing on TV]

MAN [on TV]: ¿Qué es esto?

Está cocinando a mi madre.

[woman screams on TV]

Why have you been moping around this house

the last three days?

Is it Carl Foutley?

No! I've just been thinking a lot

about Mary Todd Lincoln

and I've been feeling really bad for her.

Robert Joseph, the woman was mad.

How do you know?

Maybe she had no one to talk to.

Maybe she didn't even want to go to that stupid play.

A tragic possibility, but that is not what's bothering you

and I know it.

Now, out with it.

[moans]

Well, all the boys have to take showers in gym class

but I'm too embarrassed.

I can't talk to Carl about it

because he doesn't think it's a big deal.

Well, of coursehedoesn't.

The child's a budding exhibitionist.

It's perfectly natural

to be embarrassed of your naked self.

Look at your father!

We've been married years

and he still undresses in the closet.

You don't have to take your clothes off,

and if that's a problem with your teacher, I'll speak to him.

Remember, Robert, modesty is good.

It's one thing that separates us humans

from the lower primates, like Carl Foutley.

If the tanning bed is out of order,

deal's off and we go home.

Remember, I bronze in the buff.

minutes per side, Carl.

It's not a toy.

Oh!

Hey, Mace.

Hey, you guys.

Did we have plans?

We didn't, but we do now.

We are going to help you face your fears.

GINGER: Mace, I've been thinking.

The three of us have been through a lot

since kindergarten, good and bad.

We did stuff together.

I have a police record to remind me of that, Ginger.

Exactly.

You stuck by my side

when I was scared and needed support.

I couldn't have done that without you.

It's my turn to be here for you.

Macie, that movie is too important a milestone

for the three of us not to reach together.

But I really don't think I'm ready.

Maybe you're not,

but let us at least try to get you ready.

We can use the entire weekend to prepare.

Okay, but I'm not promising anything.

You'll be fine.

Let's start by going through Mrs. Foutley's medical books

on the reproductive system.

Whoa.

Oh...

[moans]

Macie?

[rock music playing through headphones]

[electricity crackling]

[angrily]: Carl!

Help yourself, Hoods.

Thanks.

I was wondering, Mrs. Foutley.

Would it be illegal

for a school to take a nurse's note

instead of a doctor's note?

I'm not sure. Why?

Oh, no reason.

CARL:Morning.

[whistles]

Lookin' good, Carl.

Uh, cruller?

No, thank you.

LOIS: I see where you're going with this,

but the suntan just doesn't cover up the stench.

It's not about the stench.

I decided to go for a new look.

Come on, Hoods.

Sure is a smooth look, Carl.

Hey, can I have your cruller?

Hello, girls.

Ready for the big day?

Getting less ready by the minute.

Girls, if you ever need answers

and don't know where to find them,

you can always come to me, okay?

Thanks, Mom.

No offense, Mrs. Foutley,

but it's kind of weird

to talk to moms about certain things.

You're forgetting who spawned Carl.

I specialize in weird.

[chatting]

Did you hear?

The ambulance just left

with a girl who watched this

in the class before us!

She went into shock.

Nice try, Miranda, but Zorski told us

it was a geometry class accident.

Those protractors should be outlawed,

if you ask me.

My mistake.

Now, Mace, if you feel faint, grab my hand.

Gotcha.

And then you grab mine

so I know she's fainted.

Gotcha.

FILM NARRATOR: Yes, that's your body--

a complicated series of systems and organs

working in perfect harmony.

[moans]

[mutters nervously]

FILM NARRATOR: Do you take good care of it?

Do you even know how it works?

I didn't think so.

And now you're going through some changes

and don't know what it all means.

Well, Judy, maybe it's time we have that "little talk."

[Macie gasps]

[grunting]

CARL: Why are you acting weird?

I'm not acting weird.

I'm your best friend.

I can detect any change in your B.O.

After days, it's not so subtle.

Doesn't mean I'm acting weird.

WARD: Okay, let's get going.

Foutley, Bishop, choose your teams.

Mr. Ward, I'd like to relinquish my leadership role today.

Nonsense, Foutley.

You're captain material.

I prefer to maintain my allegiance

to my comrade, Hoods P. Bishop,

and fight his fight.

Okay, but in my outfit,

we call that wimping out.

Higsby, pick your team!

Yippee!

Okay!

Uh, Gripling.

Foutley.

Krueger.

Hozoah.

FILM NARRATOR: This is

just the beginning of a marvelous transformation

that's starting to take place in your body.

Right now, a battery of hormones

is raging through your bloodstream

shouting, "Wake up, world, Judy's here!"

Soon you'll see hair in new places

and along with it, some fascinating new smells.

Don't worry.

A little deodorant will take care of that.

You could also find yourself

facing down a serious case of acne

or wondering why your clothes are getting

a little snug in places.

And then, when you least expect it,

a certain monthly visitor will arrive,

delivering you to the threshold of womanhood.

But there is a greater gift to womanhood.

Do you know what that is, Judy?

[baby crying on film]

[Courtney retching]

My shoes!

I wasn't prepared for that.

Courtney...

Don't make a scene!

Make a scene?!

These are only my favorite shoes!

Why didn't you throw up on hers?

GINGER: Mace, it's me.

Are you okay?

Not really.

I just can't handle all that stuff.

But I thought you were doing fine.

You got through most of the movie.

Actually, I took your advice

and closed my eyes a lot.

I'll forever be haunted by the sounds of cramping.

I'm sorry if Dodie and I pushed you into this.

I was afraid

that if we didn't do this together,

we'd grow apart.

I was, too, Ginger.

That's why I forced myself to come today.

But now I'm in here hiding.

Yeah, but you saw the movie, and that's what counts.

So what if we both missed the end?

I'm sure Dodie will fill us in on all the details later.

Thank you, Ginger.

Hey, BFFs, remember?

[both laugh]

There you are!

Oh, you willnotbelieve what you missed,

besides Miranda freaking out

over the ruined platforms,

which was great.

Courtney's chin quivered!

But during the childbirth scene,

which was so gross,

the projector caught fire

and Ms. Powell used Courtney's cashmere poncho

to smother the flames!

Now you should see who's freaking out.

HOODSEY: Have to admit, Carl,

it felt pretty good

sending Higsby's sorry butt

to the back of the pack.

[whimpers]

You coming, Hoods?

Could you turn around?

I'm kind of embarrassed.

It's just us guys.

Don't be embarrassed.

It's not like you have webbed toes.

I wish!

Carl, I don't want to dress in a closet

for the rest of my life.

[sniffing]

[moaning]

You smell like monkey cack!

Eww!

Revolting!

[all groaning]

[laughs]

How completely excellent!

You can say that again.

You know, this being naked stuff in public

is actually kind of liberating.

[Hoodsey laughs]

CARL: We'll have to do it more often.

HOODSEY: You know what?

If I had webbed toes,

I would totally wear sandals all the time.

JOANN: It's perfectly natural

to be embarrassed of your naked self.