02x16 - Mommie Nearest

[bunniefuu]

♪ Someone once told me th♪ On the other side. r ♪

♪ Well, I paid a visit

♪ While it's possible I missed it ♪

♪ It seemed different yet exactly the same ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪Till further notice♪

♪ Till further notice

♪I'm in between♪

♪ I'm in between

♪From where I'm standing♪

♪ From where I'm standing

♪ My grass is green.

♪ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ♪

♪ On the other side.

[siren blaring]

[muffled complaining]

[more muffled complaining]

Mumma's in pain!

Somebody do something!

Now! Do you hear me?!

Now!

Relax, Courtney...

I think she just wants her pillows fluffed.

That was going to be my second guess.

I hope these cheer you up, Mrs. Gripling.

[muffled expression of thanks]

That's so sweet of you, Ginger.

Nothing says "Sorry about the botched plastic surgery"

like daisies and pink rosebuds.

I can't believe

they bungled a simple facelift.

Actually, the facelift isn't the problem;

it's theinfection from the facelift

that we got to keep an eye on.

But she's going to be just fine.

Well, Mumma, I hope you've learned your lesson.

There's just no trusting a medical facility

called "Same Day Nip and Tuck."

Okay, girls, visiting hours are over.

Oh, please... just two more minutes?

All right... but only two.

Bye, Mrs. Gripling.

[Claire mumbles good-bye]

Hey, Ging, I'm almost finished with my shift.

Got to run some errands.

Want to come with?

Oh... do you really need me to?

I wanted to meet up with Dodie and Macie.

Oh, well...

I just feel like we've been doing

that whole "two ships passing in the night" thing lately.

[sighs]

All right.

Just be home by :.

Thanks, Mom.

[Claire shrieks]

You better come quick, Mrs. Foutley.

Now she's in pain.

What happened?

She just found out

this isn't a private room.

[muffled screams]

One twenty-two.

Any faster and he's going to blow.

[man groaning]

[siren wailing in background]

Talk about your visual hyperbole.

It's only a plastic surgery show,

for cryin' out loud.

Yeah, and what's with the weird camera angles

and choppy editing?

It's like they're trying to create

the illusion of tension

when he's probably just going in for a nose job.

Right on, Hoods.

Don't they know we're the irony generation?

Yeah, nothing impresses us.

TV ANNOUNCER: Today onUltra Plastic Surgery, chin implants.

Chin implants?! Chin implants?!

Yes, I have to say

chin implants are very popular right now.

And, as you know, the chin makes the man...

especially mine.

[voice echoing]

I could be wrong here, Hoods,

but my chin isn't a whole lot like Dr. Juan's.

Should I be worried?

Who cares?!

They're bringing out the surgical drill!

[man yelling in pain]

This is guaranteed to tighten the pores

and moisturize the skin.

Plus, if we get hungry,

all we need are some chips

and we've got ourselves a snack.

COURTNEY: So you're saying

they don't grow frozen vegetables

in frozen soil, Mrs. Foutley?

They grow them in regular soil,

thenthey freeze them.

Oh...

Oh, hi, Ginger!

[awkwardly]: Oh...

Hey, Courtney.

You know, I don't always look like this.

Did you go to the store with my mom?

Mm-hmm.

Visiting hours were over

and Miranda had a clarinet lesson

and, well, I didn't want to go home,

so I went grocery shopping with your mother!

And I was a big help, wasn't I?

You sure were.

Courtney here stuck her hand all the way

into the back of the freezer

to get the last bag of succotash.

Well... I would've gone with you, Mom.

You should've asked.

I did.

But you said you had something to do

with Dodie and Macie.

Only avocado masks-- no biggie.

I must say, Ginger,

you missed out on tremendous fun.

Now I know why they call them supermarkets.

[car horn toots]

Oh, Winston's here already?

Oh, pooh.

Now I won't get to put away the groceries.

Oh, well, maybe next time.

Ta-ta, everyone!

You know, girls,

it's like I've got a sixth sense.

Hope everyone likes

jalapeño and black bean corn chips.

BLAKE: I don't suppose

you gents happened to catch

yesterday's episode of Ultra Plastic Surgery?

Listen, Blakey, we're the ones

with the autographed picture of Dr. Juan, not you.

In other words, we never miss it.

It's true, of course.

The chin does, indeed, make the man.

In fact, Wall Street and Washington, D.C.,

have never been without a Gripling chin.

And it's one I shall undoubtedly inherit.

My father has it... his father had it...

his father's father had it.

Since when is a strong chin a surefire sign of success?

Yeah... you know, unless you call

being able to keep a turtleneck from riding up "success."

Well, if you don't believe me,

take a stroll over to the nearest newsstand

and see what kind of chins land

on the covers of important news and business weeklies.

Yeah, right.

Like I got the time.

I see your point...

or, perhaps, the lack of one?

Don't let him get to you, Carl.

It's Blake, for cryin' out loud.

Carl?

Carl?!

CARL: I don't know...

maybe Gripling's on to something.

Ha! That's totally lame.

You rule Lucky Elementary.

It's written all over the boy's bathroom.

That's 'cause we wrote it.

Anyway... sure, I rule now.

But what about down the road?

Say when Gripling finally sprouts that chin

he's been yapping about?

Mmm, I don't know, Carl.

If you get a chin implant, you'll look... different.

You'd get used to it.

No... no, I wouldn't, Carl.

I'm totally, like, a creature of habit.

My Mom uses % low-fat milk instead of %, and I spaz.

I'm talkin' ugly, Carl,

'cause I can taste the difference.

My mind's made up, Hoods.

I'm going to do it.

Carl, didn't you hear me?

I said I can taste the difference!

I really want to thank you

for sticking by me in my hour of need, Ginger.

Hospitals are incredibly upsetting.

[man coughing violently]

Do there have to be so many sick people?

Even Miranda wouldn't come with me,

and she loves misery.

It's no big deal.

Macie had band practice

and Dodie's at a dentist appointment.

I'll catch up with them later.

Well...

[gasps]

What the...?!

Mumma?

Mumma?!

Oh!

Where is she?

Tell me the truth!

Tell me the truth!

Yikes, Courtney.

You got to stop going off the deep end.

Your mother's fine.

A private room finally opened up

in the Sheldrake Pavilion.

We got her all nicely settled in.

Oh, how much longer

does she have to be in the hospital anyway?

The infection's clearing up nicely,

so I'd say only a few more days.

Uh! A few more days!

But that's an eternity!

[sobbing]

Aw, Courtney, I know it's been really tough

having your mom in the hospital.

Sure... it'd be hard on anyone.

You have no idea!

timewith Winston,

and Daddy's away on business.

I've been home alone.

Mom, since Mrs. Gripling will only be

in the hospital a few more days,

you think maybe Courtney could stay with us?

Fine by me, kiddo-- it's your call.

I got to run.

They're posting the results

of this month's birth pool

and I'm in for a fiver.

See you later.

Ginger,

you'd really do that for me?

Sure, but I have to warn you,

things'll be pretty basic.

Perfect!

Simplicity is very "in" right now.

And I promise to do my fair share.

I don't want to be a burden

to you and Mumma...

I... I mean,your Mumma... mother.

Well, you know what I mean.

Well, I'd better go get Maid started on packing.

I must say, I'm impressed

with your generous spirit, Ginger...

letting Courtney stay with you and all...

especially after Camp Caprice,

where she was clingy, needy... a total deadweight.

And those were her positive qualities.

Guys, you should've seen her

when she got the news her mom had to stay

in the hospital a few more days.

She was a wreck.

Besides, she promised she'd be helpful.

Well, there's "helpful," and then there's "Courtney helpful."

MACIE: Right...

like reorganizing your closet

without asking.

That'd be "Courtney helpful."

She wouldn't do that.

Not alone.

She'd have Miranda helping her.

And don't forget Mipsy and Lanie.

Hope she doesn't give away any of your favorites.

Oh, like the pants I gave you

last Christmas!

That's not going to happen!

Hey, where're you going?

Just... you know, to... to make sure.

I want the surgery done as soon as possible,

and since you're the only surgeon I know...

Well, Carl, I should tell you

that you will need a parent's signature

to have this kind of surgery done.

A loophole! All right!

Tough luck, Carl.

What?

Drag the Momster into this?

Look, Dr. Dave, this is totally a guy thing.

The chin makes the man, remember?

Uh, Carl, I'm sorry, but the law is the law.

Okay, well... I hear they got clinics

that'll do this sort of thing

without asking a whole lot of questions.

Hmm, I... uh, don't like the sound of that at all.

Hmm... didn't think you would.

Eh... all right.

I'll do the surgery.

But, uh, you've got to do something for me first.

Uh, way ahead of you, Dr. Dave.

This spreadsheet outlines my -year installment plan.

Course, you're going to be real old

when you get the last payment and all, but...

No, no, not that at all.

You see, I think it's important for the patient to try out

what their new "look" will be like, you see?

Just so that they're absolutely certain

that this is what they want.

Come again?

Well, let me put it this way, Carl:

you wouldn't buy a car

without taking it for a spin first, would you?

They're not culottes, okay?

They're cargo shorts, so everybody can just...!

[kids laughing]

COURTNEY: Mrs. Foutley!

Hey, Ging, you're just in time.

[proudly]: I'm going to cook the spaghettini.

But I usually do it-- well, I mean, not lately, but...

Oh, I insist.

After all, I'm the guest,

and I want to do my fair share.

And you've been very helpful, Courtney.

She alphabetized the spice rack.

I tell you, there'll be no more hunting around

for that cream of tartar.

You got anything that looks like a chin, Lola?

What for?

Uh... school project.

Like I believethat for one minute.

Try the tool drawer.

I think you'll find

some of my old heel guards in there.

[clanking]

Perfect... thanks.

Don't go far-- we're eating in five.

Actually, Mrs. Foutley,

it takes eight minutes for the pasta to cook.

So we'll have it a little extra...

"al dente."

Who's he?

[both giggle]

That'smyjoke.

[giggling]

I know, your mother told me,

and it's so funny.

[sighs]

You know, I'm doing so well with dinner,

I want to make breakfast, too.

No, I'll make breakfast.

Don't be ridiculous, Ginger.

I'll do it.

No,Iwill.

No, no,Iwill.

You know, the dinner dishes

are still up for grabs.

Then I'll do them.

No, I'll do them.

No, I'll do them.

I'll do it.

I'll do them.

[buzzing]

[gasps]

[shuts off alarm]

Oh, ahh!

[perkily]: Morning, sleepyhead.

What time did you get up?

:-- can you believe it?

Up with the pheasants.

You mean, the chickens.

Those, too!

I guess you made breakfast for my mom.

And it was so easy.

All I had to do was put

the frozen waffle in the toaster,

then depress the button.

Your mother was thrilled!

Are you always cheerful in the morning?

Yes.

Oh, waffle?

[groans]: No, thanks.

I'll get something at school.

LOIS: Over my dead body,

he's getting a chin implant!

Do you hear? Dead!

In the ground,

six feet under, cold!

Yeah, well, I... uh...

Dave, don't tell me

you didn't tell him that?!

Look, let me clue you in on Carl.

You've got to nip stuff like this in the bud.

Trust me... you give him an inch,

the next thing you know, you're out one mile.

So, uh... what did you tell him?

Oh, uh, I thought

the better way to go was to...

[chuckles]: well, to have him walk around

with a fake chin on for a while.

[laughs nervously]

That explains the heel guard.

I think he'll learn pretty quickly

that the chin doesn't make the man

and lose all interest in the surgery.

Of course, I... I hope I didn't step out of line

by not consulting you first, Lois.

No, not at all,

and it's a smart move, Dave.

Course, it remains to be seen

if it's smart enough.

You should really think about settling down

and having some kids of your own.

You'd be good at it.

You know, lately I have been thinking

of doing just that.

Actually, I was wondering if...

[beeper goes off]

Oh, sorry, Dave.

Gallbladder on -- got to go.

Right...

Yes, uh, that'd be fine, too.

[talking quietly]

CARL: Come on, Hurry up.

I can hear them outside.

Hold on, I've got to cover it with makeup

so it looks natural.

Good thing you and my mom

have the same skin tone.

CARL: Make sure to blend.

I hear it's important.

Okay, okay.

[gasps]

Well?

It'll never work.

Whoa, are you kidding?

Even I'm intimidated, and it's my chin.

Grab your clipboard

and start sending them in, Hoods,

one by one.

[sighs]

Surprise, Mom, I brought you... a glazed donut.

Would you look at this hair of yours hanging in your face?

What am I going to do with you-- Hey, Ging!

Hi, Ginger!

Hey, Courtney's got good news,

and she brought some white chocolate- dipped biscotti.

[beeper goes off]

Oh, wouldn't you know it?

Sorry, girls, got to run.

Uh, Ging, did you need me for anything?

[moodily]: No, not really.

Okay.

I'll see you later, then.

COURTNEY: Mumma's being released

from the hospital.

Oh, well, guess that means

you'll be heading home.

Well, not exactly-- as it turns out,

she needs to get away to recuperate,

so she'll be jetting off to a spa in New Mexico

and I, of course, can't go with her

because I'd miss too much school.

So you're saying...?

I just asked your mother, and she said

I can stay until Mumma gets back--

if it's okay with you, that is-- and I'm sure it is?

Well... what if it isn't?

[gasps]

Gin-Ginger, are you saying "no"?

Yes.

[laughs]

I'm confused-- is it "yes" or "no"?

It's "yes"... I'm saying "no."

[gasps]

But Ginger...

I said "No!"

[groans]

[gasps]: It's... it's...

You're... you're...

Under Terrence's name,

put down that the chin rendered him

unable to form complete sentences.

Who's next?

Blake's the last one.

Then, by all means, show the Gripling lad in.

Next!

Hi, Blake, nice espadrilles.

Why, thank you, old man.

Just doing my part for "Casual Fridays."

Now, what's all this folderol about...?

F-Foutley?

Gripling?

What's that on your chin?

A chin.

Duh.

I'm thinking of having

one of these babies installed permanently,

and I just wanted to see

how it might sit with some people.

Well, i-it's having

n-no effect on me whatsoever.

Boy, it's sure not

looking that way, Blakey.

Initial denial,

undermined by extreme spazzing.

It's... it's...

[screaming]: It's not natural, I say!

[screams]

[sighs]

Well, that's it.

With one of these puppies,

I'm going to rule for sure

and rule for good.

[cackles]

[student screams]

But I don't understand.

Courtney was going to stay on with us.

What happened?

Well, she just couldn't.

Gee, I was even going to pick up

her favorite TV dinner, turkey breast stir-fry.

So... she didn't even say why?

[snapping]: No, she didn't say why.

Is that okay?

I mean, if she doesn't stay?

Think you'll be all right with justmeagain?

[groans]

Boy, when those hormones kick in, they really kick in.

Boy, oh boy, I can't wait

to have a permanent one put in.

Hey, think Dr. Dave'll

be able to do it today?

'Cause I'd like to take over

the world by Tuesday, if possible.

Wow, Carl,

you're scaring everyone off.

Yep.

This chin is mighty powerful.

You don't think

it'stoopowerful, do you?

I mean, everyone was screaming

and running off at school, too.

But...

it's what you wanted.

Oh, but not exactly.

The chin is supposed to be "me" bait.

They scream and run off,

and I can kiss the Carl dynasty good-bye.

Well... okay,

so maybe your chin can front for you.

You know, like, it does the talking,

but they're listening to you?

But... what if it doesn't end there?

What if it takes over?

I may rule the world,

but my chin'll rule me.

Creepy!

Oh, and every time you look down

to see if your shoes are tied?

There it'll be...

[gasps]

HOODSEY: Staring back up at you.

[gasping]

Get it off me, Hoods.

Get it off me!

[shouts]

[groans with effort]

It's stuck, Carl!

We've got to find Dr. Dave!

I've got to get me

a "chin"-ectomy-- pronto!

[groans]

[crunches]

[groans]

Ginger, will you be

in this bad mood for much longer?

Because I feel like I'm doing homework with my mother.

Mother-- why do you say "mother"?

No reason, just that she hates it

when I turn the pages too loudly.

You know, it suddenly hit me.

Homework may be called "homework"

for a reason.

Yeah, I agree.

Bye,Ginger.

Guys...

[doorbell rings]

Um... hope I'm not bothering you, Ginger,

but I do need to pick up my things.

You're not bothering me.

You want a soda or something?

Mmm, no, thank you.

I don't want to be a burden in any way.

You're not being a burden, okay?

I mean, it was nice having you here, but...

I don't need an explanation.

Anyway, it turns out

Mumma's canceled her trip to New Mexico.

Oh, hey, that's great.

COURTNEY: I admit, I had to work the pity thing a bit,

but she gave in.

Sometimes she gets caught up in herself

and needs to be reminded she has children.

Yeah, I guess that can happen.

I mean, I don't want her around

all the time, but I...

Well, here I am, running on and on,

when I came by to pick up my things.

I mean, two people shouldn't speak at all

when they're fighting.

Hey, uh, Courtney...

you know... someday I'm going to want

to talk to you about all this,

just not right now.

Even though I don't understand,

I'll say I do...

just to keep the lines of communication open.

Thanks... you didn't really have

to beg your mom to stay, did you?

Well, I may have exaggerated a little.

[chuckles]

So, uh... you took the bus home,

then you took it back here

so we could drive home together?

Yeah.

That's okay, isn't it?

Sure.

I'm going to go get a soda,

so don't leave without me, okay?

I won't.

I'll be right here when you get back.

You want one?

My treat.

Okay.

Uh, diet anything.

Lola.

Carl.

Hoodsey.

Hi, Mrs. Foutley.

Stick around for half an hour--

I'll give you a ride home.

No, thanks, we're trying to support

public transportation.

May the chin never rise to haunt me.

Better put a rock on top,

just in case.

You know, I'm sure I've learned

a very valuable lesson here, Hoods.

Like, "Be careful what you wish for,"

or "Be happy with what you got."

Uh-huh.

Think it'll stick?

Not a chance.

DR. DAVE: Right... yes, uh, that'd be fine, too.