03x15 - Dodie's Big Break

[bunniefuu]

♪ Someone once told me th♪ On the other side. r ♪

♪ Well, I paid a visit

♪ While it's possible I missed it ♪

♪ It seemed different yet exactly the same ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪Till further notice♪

♪ Till further notice

♪I'm in between♪

♪ I'm in between

♪From where I'm standing♪

♪ From where I'm standing

♪ My grass is green.

♪ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ♪

♪ On the other side.

MACIE: Ginger?

Welcome back!

Be honest--

how bad do I look?

I'm glad you mentioned it,

because honestly, I'd rather lie.

Where's Dodie?

I want to get all the post-burst-appendix

shocked expressions over with

as soon as possible.

DODIE [muffled]: Oh, Ginger!

Whoa...Uh...

Girls...

Coach Candace has just made me

official full-time pep squad gofer!

Don't you know what this means?

Uh... that you'll be doing the exact same thing

you were doing before?

Only you'll be doing it

wearing a gofer costume?

No. It means...

I'm the pep squad's pep squad!

BOTH: Oh...

I even get to perform my very own routine!

What kind of routine?

I'm not sure, but I believe it's gofer-themed.

Do you realize this promotion puts me

just one tantalizing step away

from actually being a pep-squad girl?

[bell rings]

To be continued at lunch.

Whoa!

Carl, selling real estate

is this country's most noble profession.

Exactly what I'm looking for.

Without us, the American dream is just that--

a dream.

Gee.

And in this job,

you've got to be part hand holder,

part mind reader, and part friend.

That's why I'm "Buddy" Baker.

[cell phone rings]

Habla me.

Any question as to why this guy's my idol?

Oh, big deal--

even I could come up with that "Buddy" stuff.

Could not.

Buddy's the man.

I thought we were

going to the science museum after school--

it's the opening of the infectious disease exhibit,

remember?

For some of us,

that'sthe American dream.

And for others of us,

once you've seen one infectious disease,

you've seen them all.

DAVE: Oh, I don't like

the sound of that, Carl.

You know, tomorrow is "Bring Your Son To Work" day.

Way ahead of you.

Talked it over with the Mom-ster

and she thinks it's better if I bow out, too.

Oh. Well, actually I thought,

well, you know, you could hang out with me.

You're almost my stepson

and we've got infectious diseases

coming out our ears in pathology.

Sorry, no can do.

Hospital offers too many opportunities for malfeasance;

"trouble" is no longer my middle name.

I am now on the upright, biweekly paycheck path,

led by... the master.

And a high-tech media room.

[scraping]

Oh... uh, ah...

[moaning softly]

You're nine seconds late.

Sorry. I just had my appendix out, and it's kind of hard to...

Ginger.

High school is a lot like life,

and life doesn't care

about your appendix.

Make-up work is on your own time.

[moans softly]

MACIE: She really said,

"Life doesn't care about your appendix"?

Well, I care about it--

or did, I guess.

[girls chattering quickly]

Can't you see this girl is recovering

from a serious operation?

Get over it.

I had my tonsils out twice

and I didn't pathetically milk the sympathy cow.

Like you're even close, Miranda.

Myappendixburst.

Plus, I don't think

you can have your tonsils out twice.

Well, mine grew back.

And I'm not "pathetically milking the sympathy cow."

Uh-huh.

Well, I'm not.

Maybe you should, raccoon eyes.

Oh...

Hey, I think the cough

looks kind of hot.

Too little, too late.

[both groan]

Uh... I, uh...

Hi.

Um, is this as awkward for you as it is for me?

It would be...

if I had anywhere near the energy to feel awkward.

Saved us seats, Darren?

Uh...

See you around, okay?

Hi, Simone.

Hi, Dodie.

Hey, Macie.

What, is she going to be nice

to all my friends now?

Ginger, my first game as official gofer

is tomorrow.

You are coming, right?

I just mean, you're not going to let

the whole Darren/Simone thing keep you away?

Don't worry, I'll be there.

Real estate?

[boys scream, thudding]

What do I care about houses?

I can't buy one.

No, but your parents can,

and mortgage rates will never be this low again.

Never.

What's a "mortgage rate"?

Amateur.

You see, Hoods, my job is

to put the prospective buyers at ease

re the whole will-my-kid- like-this-place thing.

You know, your nervous, cash- strapped, zero-percent down,

first-time home buyer can be especially tricky.

But me and Buddy have worked up some stuff.

For instance,

I may slide down the banister

at a predetermined spontaneous moment.

[clicks tongue]

[dryly]: Ha-ha.

So, uh, you know, if you'd like to,

I could fix it so you could come

to the open house tomorrow

and see me and Buddy in action.

Actually, I'm thinking

about taking Doctor Dave up on his offer,

even though, you know,

I'm not his son or anything.

Oh.

Well, okay then.

Well, um, guess we'll catch up later.

Yeah. Later.

See you.

[softly]: Or not.

ALL: And we're gonna ba-boom ya!

Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

[cheering]

Hey, lady, what's up?

Yeah, Simone.

Yeah, looking good.

Like a million people couldn't back flip

their way up a human pyramid.

You-you know, after ten or years of practice.

Look, it's Dodie!

[whistle blows]

Okay, Deirdre,

you're on.

Go, Dodie! Go, Dodie!

Yeah!

[crowd laughing]

Go, Dodie!

Yeah, go, Dodie!

MACIE: Way to go, Dodie!

[screaming then thudding]

[crowd gasps]

[Dodie moaning]

Dodie?

And I couldn't get a straight answer

out of anyone at the Bishop house last night,

so I don't know what's going on

with Dodie.

Jim B. Me! Oh!

Dodie's gofer head?

Minus Dodie.

[pep squad girls chattering]

Dodie?

Are you okay?

[moans]

You don't want to know.

[chuckles]

She's absolutely fine.

And there is a silver lining to this dark plaid cloud:

I'm an official member of the squad!

Really?

Now that she's injured and unable to perform,

it seemed as good a time as any to make her one.

Is there anything we can do?

[pep squad girls chattering]

We've got everything covered.

But we really want to...

B'bye.

help.

[bell rings]

MACIE: Boy, when those girls say

they've got everything covered,

they really do.

I can't even see Dodie!

And do you know, when I tried

to pass her a note in algebra class,

I only got one pep-squad layer in.

Who does that nauseatingly upbeat octet think it is?

She's our best friend.

I'm going over there.

[moans]

It's useless, I tell you,

they're like a human artichoke.

Girls like that, you've got to be direct.

Excuse me?

Hi. I want to know

if Dodie will join me and Macie--

her best friends-- for lunch?

And I won't take "no" for an answer.

Let me ask.

Hi...

Diane said you wanted to ask Dodie something?

Yeah.

Um... where is Dodie?

Why don't I just check for you.

Hi, Anita told me what was going on,

and Sydney said Dodie said

thanks for touching base,

and said she'll catch up with you later. Mm-hmm.

But...

B'bye.

So you peeled and peeled and...

Let's just eat.

DAVE: What you're about to see, Hoodsey,

could scar you for life.

Oh, I don't mind.

Ooh, or worse,

it could keep you from pursuing

a medical career.

Wasn't going to anyway.

It's so freakish...

it might even rule out dental hygiene.

Slap it up there or I'll die, I tell you!

Why not-- I mean, a man

with a Siamese twin inside him

that never fully developed is no biggie, right?

[gasps]

Keep your eyes peeled for the tooth.

[gasps]

BUDDY: Carl, this is the Mitchell's dream home,

and I know exactly how to sell it to them.

Uh, no offense, Buddy,

but I wouldn't unload this place on Blake Gripling.

The backyard's a swamp.

"Aquatic garden."

The roof's got a hole in it.

"Tree-top views."

See, we'd be lying.

"Re-packaging the truth."

Here they are,

my favorite first-time home buyers.

Honey? Isn't it everything I told you?

And everything you didn't tell me.

Uh, Carl, why don't you show Mrs. Mitchell

the tire swing out front--

"perfect for kids."

Tire swings are, of course,

notorious breeding grounds

for encephalitis- carrying mosquitoes.

[moaning softly]

I mean, they can't stop us from wishing Dodie

a "Get Out Of Your Wheelchair Soon," can they?

Especially since we sprang for the macadamia nuts.

[groans]: Oh. Ow...

DODIE: And we're going to ba-boom ya!

Yeah! Ba-boom ya! Yeah!

Cheering from a wheelchair?

Dodie's either a total team player

or totally pathetic.

Try a total liar.

[door opens, closes]

Ba-ba ba-boom ya!

[begins moaning suddenly]

[moaning]

[weakly]: What was I thinking?

I was just so excited I made the team.

[moaning pathetically]

Stop, you'll get carpet burns!

Macie, there's nothing wrong with her.

There is, too!

I'm just trying to prove there isn't, Ginger.

Merciless Mother of Deceit--

you fibbed?

My appendix burst for real,

and no one made me a member of anything.

Meanwhile, you cheated your way to the top

of the pep squad pyramid.

Come clean, Bishop, or I will for you.

It's your word against mine, Foutley.

But you should know,

pep squad girls always side with each other.

Anyone care for some macadamia nuts?

MACIE: So those girls always side with each other, huh?

Well, then, we just got to get Dodie

to blow her own cover.

Gee, I don't know.

She's making the whole wheelchair thing work.

ALL: We're the only game in town even if she's sitting down!

Go! Go! Go! Go, Goats!

Baah!

[others cheering]

[whimpering]

So how are we going to get Dodie to stand

when sitting is how she made the team?

GINGER: The longer you stay in that chair

the harder it will be to walk again.

It's called a "psychological block."

I mean, maybe you can't even stand up now.

Can, too.Can not.

Can, too! And you're in the handicapped zone.

Oh!

Prove it.

[grunting]

[radio thumping]

[whimpering]

DIANE: Dodie, are you all right?

They were... they were taunting me.

[whimpers]

Teasing a disabled person?

Shame on you.

Let me help you.

Thanks, Diane.

Wow...

she's really got them snookered.

Then we've got to be more in-your-face.

[gasps]

Oh, my gosh, are you okay?

I mean, you won't...

I won't what?

Oh... hey, got to run.

Bye.

INTERCOM: Dodie Bishop, please report

to Coach Candace's office immediately.

[yells]

It wasyouon the intercom?

Desperate times...

We're doing this for you own good, Dodie.

No!

[all struggling]

[crying]

All I wanted was to be a pep squad girl.

Is that so wrong?

Not if you earned it fair and square.

Practice, hard work, diligence-- they didn't get me anywhere.

And you think faking an injury did?

You heard Coach Candace.

She was going to make me a member anyway.

What?

You make it seem

like I made the team just because...

because they were afraid

I'd go crying to my parents or something.

This is the part

where you're supposed to jump in

and angrily deny what I just said!

[cries]

Okay... maybe Coach Candace's decision

wasn't exactly merit-based,

but I was desperate.

Dodie, if she thought

you were good enough to be official gofer,

sooner or later she'd think

you were good enough to be on the squad.

Don't you see?!

I was too good at being a gofer.

And when you're too good at something,

they never see you as anything else.

But now you're going to have to spend

the rest of your pep squad career in a wheelchair.

And what were all those hours

of practicing routines for?

I guess it is more fun

cheering if you can use your arms and legs.

So, do the right thing and 'fess-up.

Then ask Coach Candace for an official audition.

Wearing a gofer costume earned you at least that.

You want to try out after all these lies?!

Never!

And neither will any or all

of your potential female offspring!

Once an official gofer,

always an official gofer, I guess.

Think again.

Have both uniforms cleaned, fluffed and folded

on my desk by tomorrow morning.

[sobbing]

Fired?

For tipping off those clients yesterday.

I've already hired a new protégé,

Can I go play on the tire swing, Uncle Buddy?

Can I? Can I? Please!

You betcha, Philbert.

Oh, goody!

Philbert?

That's it.

There aren't a lot of things

I draw a line in the sand for,

but the name Philbert and selling the American nightmare

as the American dream are two of them.

You can't fire me because I quit.

Hey, that's coming out of your next check.

Hi, girls.

Isn't it funny how sometimes

you do really dumb things and...

are never forgiven.

Since when has doing the right thing

turned out to be the wrong thing?

Since at least : yesterday afternoon.

She did perpetuate a pretty big lie, Ginger.

She's soiling the pristine reputation of the pep squad.

I know, but that team was Dodie's life.

I mean, stuff happens; people should be forgiven.

No argument here, but unfortunately it's not up to us.

It's up to a coach named Candace.

Where you going?

To try and get Dodie back on the squad.

[murmuring]

Oh...

Hey, Ginger.

Hi, Ginger.

You're looking... a lot better.

Sorry about Dodie.

Thanks, you two.

Dodie eats, sleeps and breathes pep squad.

I mean, I think it's lame, but...

If I forgive Dodie, I'll have to forgive everyone else.

Standards will fall.

It's a pep squad, not the Marines.

What your point?

I hoped you'd cut her some slack.

No one ever cut me any slack.

Does Dodie Bishop think she's theonlygirl

who ever had her pep squad dreams squashed?

Uh... no.

Ginger, there was once this young girl...

Oh, boy.

Who practiced

and practiced and practiced

in a desperate attempt to make her school's pep squad.

It's all she ever wanted; but she never made the team.

Know why?

Not really, but I know you'll tell me.

She wanted it too much.

Aren't yousupposed to want it too much?

No.

You never want to make them think

you want it too much.

It makes you look needy, pathetic.

It was a bitter lesson to learn-- it still hurts!

Even after years.

Well, as long

as you haven't been obsessing over it.

Wait a minute...

you told Dodie she couldn't tryout

because she faked injuries to get on the team.

Well, yes.

But you just told me you never let her try out

because shewantsit too much.

No, I...

This is totally unfair.

I mean, you can keep Dodie from trying out

becauseshelied,

but not becauseyoulied.

But, but...

You're one of those AP students, aren't you?

Really, you quit?

Yeah, you know...

right after he fired me.

Well, I think you did the right thing.

I mean, Philbert-- get real.

Buddy Baker wasn't the guy I thought he was, Hoods.

No, duh.

Think fast!

I was blinded by his pocket emblem

and slippery vocabulary,

Too bad, I mean, I could tell

you were really into that whole real estate thing.

Oh, well, you know me--

I always have a new venture on the horizon.

For instance, this mummy tape.

Could be something there.

Can't. I'm delivering it

for Mr. Mendoza's spleenectomy.

A spleenectomy?

Could be kind of interesting

to observe it.

Yeah... maybe.

We got to move it.

Those med. students hog all the best seats.

[gasps]

[squealing]

[groaning]

Oh, oops, oh, I'm sorry.

I was just so glad you got me an audition

I completely forgot about your appendix.

You mean the absence of one.

Yeah, right.

Thank you, Ginger.

I mean, I know you think

this pep squad thing is dumb,

but, ooh, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Stop.

Just go out there and show them

"Pep Squad" is your middle name.

And I know exactly what I'm going to do--

three backward flips

followed by five armless cartwheels

and then a spectacular scissors kick!

[cries out in pain]

Dodie!

Oh, Dode, are you okay?

Pulled muscle... for real.

Seems you're out of commission for a while.

Oh, I didn't make the squad?

Sorry. However, I am reinstating you

as official gofer,

and...

I promise I'll let you

try out for the team next year.

There's still hope.

Now, aren't you glad you came clean?

Well, it did hurt to hand over the skirt and sweater.

Okay, yeah...

[whistle blows as players grunt]

I'll catch up with you guys later, okay?

[whistle blows]

Hmm, used to make fun of guys like that.

ORION: Ginger...

Mind if I sit?

Can't stop me anyway.

You'llhave to move.

I'm not moving anywhere.

Written any sad songs lately?

Maybe.

You?

Maybe.

It was a bitter lesson to learn-- it still hurts!