01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

foreign

so

[Music]

so

[Music]

not there charlie that's the bumper spot

sorry mr maxwell it's been a while

i told you three weeks ago nobody goes

above the bumper

i'm gonna do a little work on your

memory you know that

i had an uncle who memorized all the ink

spot songs

how are you pop elliot

well what are you doing here son are we

leaving today

leaving for spring training bob baseball

the way it ought to be on grass under

the arizona sun with no 230 hitters

whining because you wrote they couldn't

hit a bull in the butt with a paddle

right

spring training what are you talking

about let's go you said you'd take me

i did yeah sir is this better

what is this where mr thumper goes yeah

that's perfect

uh charlie why don't you take a break

okay in fact why don't you uh read up on

the man whose picture you nearly

desecrated okay name's ted williams

theodore samuel williams to be exact yes

sir i'll do that right theodore samuel

williams

so i'm ready when you are i've even got

my glove pack are you sure i was so

specific about uh remember when you told

me what a great writer i was

yes well that same day you said you'd

take me to spring training with you

sometime

ah sometime you see now that's the

operative word

i figured this would be a good time as

any since i quit my job and also what do

you say i've got my ticket

son look spring training is tough okay i

mean

even with all the sunshine and all that

it's just

it's unrelenting it's thankless you got

a bunch of ball players down there who

think uh throwing dirty underwear at

each other is fun

you know you're hanging around bars at

night you know just doing research but

hey hey hey don't worry pop i've been in

bars

and i know that billy martin's favorite

drink is not milk no

no that's not it son it's it's um

ah hell i don't know what well

it has to do with it has to do with

being a lone wolf

you know a a knight of the road so to

speak

spring train's like a reward it's a

reward for good writing a reward for

spending years in the trenches see i i

don't think you've

spent that time enough time to qualify

for that son

well how how many more years 10

or 11 tops

um

i i could be your assistant yeah you

know i could do all this stuff you don't

want to do pop i

i could keep track of statistics i could

i could be nice to people

listen to me okay when the time comes

i'll let you know all right but in the

meantime i really think it's best if you

just

go on home and work you know work work

on that pros

you say so

you know i am going to work really hard

harder than i ever have

well now see that's a spirit see that's

wonderful son

and you i hope you have the best spring

training ever

okay oh um here

catching my bus ticket have yourself a

night out on the town okay

k*lling your own now

[Music]

being bad is not easy honey how would

you know

come on judy laffy just broke his heart

he doesn't deserve that

may he be back can you we'd be tougher

when

11 years that's what i told him anyway

he'll be 85

by then he can wheel you around arizona

i don't understand

elliot's gonna be a man but he's not

there yet

when he is we'll go together

but not until then

because spring training is something

that a man does

like combing hair over a bald spot

that's an art form that's

creative comic

d*ke you didn't knock i never do it's

time you started

i caught you didn't i sitting in here

drooling like some 12 year old kid with

his first copy of playboy

she's in town you know yeah i know

straight from the kremlin

don't bark up that hydrant she deflected

yeah she also used to be a man it's not

in the book but it's true

now some doctor from ukraine leaked it

out proof the legs are not always the

first thing to go

her name's mirka in russian maybe an

american it's butch

doesn't matter you're still gonna

interview her you're gonna do a column

and not one of your standard u-boat

search-and-destroy jobs no can do nelly

why not well number one she's a commie

number two i got a bus to catch in about

45 minutes

for what arizona baseball

spring training first you're gonna write

a column

the world wants to know about this woman

she's beautiful

intelligent this lady is one smart

waffle iron

she's cosmopolitan you know she actually

speaks russian

no kidding she lives in russia for 23

years and she knows how to speak russian

man that's amazing better get on over

there

hotel de fuego press conference be there

aloha

cactus league nelson it's another bus in

the morning nelson for every minute i'm

here it's a story lost

this mirka thing is bigger than any

spring training twaddle twaddle

you call ducky gander twaddle the guy

who runs the scoreboard

you write about him every year well he's

an institution nelly

ducky gander is an american institution

that's what he is

you got a broad down there don't you

some waitress in a donut shop

wrong again nelson anybody who loves

spring training and believe me i do they

don't have time for women or booze

for the two weeks i'm in the cactus i've

become part of that game

you're still gonna interview america

okay nelson but if i miss that bus

buses are like street cars ducky gander

might drop dead

out out and bring me back a prize winner

yeah you stay here and play with your

hammer and sickle

born san diego og 30 1918 played with

the boston red sox 1939-42

names of 46-60 american league all-star

team 1940-42

46-51 54-60

sporting news player of the year 1941 42

47 49 57

elected to the hall of fame 1966.

charlie how did you do that to what

learn all that about ted williams i

looked it up

and you remembered it after one reading

that's amazing

is it charlie that's a photographic

memory

it is very rare and useful talent it is

why charlie with a photographic memory

you can do all kinds of things like

look up facts and remember them

and repeat them miss ralston miss

ralston

would you find a photographic memory

attractive

china because i memorized a lot of

things good things

henry iv into the king the prince lord

john of lancaster

earl of west milan king i pray harry

withdraw thyself thou bleeds too much

lancaster not i my lord

unless i did bleed too

how about recipes i know recipes

yes it is true in casual play i often

wear

pastels next question please

don't you feel the nightlife at the

french open is far superior to that of

wimbledon

well there have been some nights along

the sand

for crying out loud is that what we're

gonna do here today folks just to sit

here while our local susie knickerbocker

feeds powder puff serves to this mutant

commie

uh it's uh an acknowledged fact that you

are one of the premier players on the

women's tour

perhaps the best ever i wonder if you

could tell us

what true greatness means to you is not

for me to say about greatness i only

play and do my best and hope that it

pleases you

and the public so we'll go out and buy

your book

which to me seems a little bit

overpriced at 1795.

a million people will tell you otherwise

mr maxwell

slap maxwell of the uh ledger and now

actually i didn't know uh your party had

that many members in this country

are speaking as the uh only

representative of the sporting press at

this uh

goat rope maybe you could uh answer

something for me

just who do you think you're kidding

with this defecting thing you are

opposed to someone seeking a better life

in america

no no no it's just i think a little

sincerity ought to be attached to that

package

i've applied for american citizenship

that is not sincere

well give us your poor give us your

homeless

now do you really qualify for either one

of those so let's see your bottom line

here i

i think it's money what do you think i

was not raised to worship the dollar

or the ruble well but aren't you playing

both sides of the net here i mean

you're preaching marxism at the same

time you're you're pocketing the spoils

of good old american capitalism

shut up cool it comrade okay

i want him out of here

oh now this is perfect see the mad

siberians yeah

so it's off to the gulag huh well the

united nations gonna hear about this one

it's gonna start world w*r three it's

okay i gotta bust the catch anyway

a and d we'll be right back with daphne

coleman in slap maxwell

amd is back with dabney coleman as slap

maxwell

so i missed my damn boss i ripped the

knees out of my sansa belt bent my

fedora and scuffed my brogan

violent racism close exactly i'm telling

you right from the get-go she was like

an iron curtain between me and the

cactus league

a definite affront to your purity of

spirit

dutch i was marooned i mean abandoned by

my own kind in the face these

marxist marauders lonely how to breathe

moral fabric of american society being

torn

shredded ripped asunder i'm gonna have

my own innings with that's the chick i'm

telling you i'm going back

no you're not you're off the story

oh nelson so what's your uh wooden knee

turning to sawdust what

came to set you free spring training is

calling you like a coyote and a bird

bath i want you down there

next bus out i'll get bigger fish to fly

right here you slap slap

maxwell you slap america tell them

dutchman have you driven the porch

lately

no you're out of line here slap

i'll be damned if i'm gonna let you put

the ledger in the middle of an

international proturbance

nelson this is a big story this may be

the biggest story the ledger ever

covered

look my lawyers just paid off the last

time you went hi-hat

i don't need a one-man crusade but there

you are down on the 50-yard line with a

bone up your nose

like any self-respecting american you

ever hear the domino theory

yeah blueberry hill i'm talking about

creeping communism nelson

yeah yeah well creep this one more

run-in with mirka and both sides are

gonna be aiming their missiles

i mean we're gonna look like chicken

fried rice you really believe that

i don't live in a honeycomb i know all

about eyeball to eyeball confirmation

confrontation whatever you mean like

what we're doing here

exactly like i'm gonna have one more

time with that vladivostok vixen

don't do this slap go to spring training

write the damn article about the guy who

runs the scoreboard please

there we hand on that one okay

you're early mr maxwell my exhibition

isn't until tonight

yeah i bet you expect me to write about

it too don't you

give you some big time ink something to

send back to uh

party headquarters my mysteries talk

this way

we are not chris chuff and kennedy

hi how you doing all right can i get you

soda or something

some fruit juice oh no i'm fine and

thanks for the workout billy you bet

see you later bye take it easy

i didn't know you tell you was boys

that's not what you came here for is it

you came to discuss politics no

actually i came here for an apology

i guess i'm not uh one of those labor

camp refuse knicks

i know and i'm sorry

please forgive me

no problem takes more than those two

bozos to ruffle my feathers

but i am a little curious about one

thing about how you

have the sand to scent sand yeah the

gall

whatever to uh traipse around the

country fleecing the suckers

it is illegal for an athlete to make a

living

then translate please well i just have a

feeling that um

karl marx never played right the bank on

the other hand have this image of you

kissing a copy of das capital at night

and then during the day

stuff in your pockets with millions of

gangs dollars is that subversive i don't

think so

especially when an athlete only has so

many years for the big earnings

surely you understand that oh yeah of

course i do

if i didn't i guess i'd be an

insensitive guy

you're very kind i could see it in your

eyes yeah

even when you're being harsh yeah i

guess they always give me way

can you tell that i uh i'd like to take

you to dinner tonight

put some of those improved soviet

american relations to work

didn't you read my book yes yes i did

but you know what i

i don't believe everything i read

what do you think don't give me a chance

to make you uh

an honest woman i'm sorry mr maxwell

but i'm afraid you can't play in my

league

[Applause]

[Music]

future of the world right take your best

sh*t lady

[Music]

uh

[Music]

so

[Music]

[Applause]

go away i can't it's cold and i'm naked

oh honey hey i got you the landlord

oh i'm a couple of months back grant he

thinks he'll support you

you're not naked i could be now what you

do you come over here to uh wish me a

little uh

bon voyage no i came to talk to you

about elliot

we spent some time together yesterday

after you left

quality time yes as a matter of fact it

was

uh he's pretty depressed slap

he thinks that you don't like his

writing

i don't it's not good well

maybe he's not as good as you are maybe

he never will be

but he thinks he's getting better he

wants you to be proud of him

i need good writers are like good

hitters

they're born they're not maids elliot

knows that

he's not trying to be the ted williams

of sports writing

maybe he wants to be more like uh

remember that guy from the 70s

joe somebody joe uh the guy with the two

first names

played for the a's had a mustache joe

joe right

joe rudy never a great hitter not a lot

of home runs

is that the guy i mean yeah not a star

but solid dependable

great in the clutch take him to spring

training slap

come on he's dying to go and he deserves

it

now honey it's too soon he'd get down

there with those wily old veterans

they'd be

one minute spitting tobacco on his shoes

and next minute

buying him a drink i don't know whether

he's ever had anything stronger than

root beer

if you take him to spring training you

can find out

not this year the little people just

don't matter to you do they slap

what are you talking about

bill shoemaker uh uh uh eddie arcaro

lafitte pink i love jockeys no slap

no jokes

you've always got a big game to cover or

a dragon to slay

and that's always getting in the way of

the people who should really matter to

you

because who cares about you when you're

sick or lonely or confused

not the people that you write about most

of them don't even know you're alive

but i'll tell you i'd hate it if you had

to choose between the world series and

me

tied to the railroad tracks yeah that

could be a tough one

bottom of the night score tied two out

think about it

a while ago you said something about

being naked

uh i'm gonna be gone two weeks yeah

think about that too

[Music]

elliot fine

yeah listen i was just uh thinking about

you

what do you mean what do i mean

[Music]

listen time for spring training rookie

yeah the bus leaves at seven o'clock in

the morning

sirius is a knockdown pitch listen

you have a listen son this is not going

to be easy for you okay

well i mean one of those old veterans is

liable to give you the hot foot or

something like that

[Music]

yeah well baseball humor is

old-fashioned

old sport is yeah

well that's the charm of it

andy will be right back with slap

maxwell

[Music]

foreign

[Music]