01x04 - Episode 4
Posted: 03/19/24 12:24
[Music]
foreign
so
[Music]
so
[Music]
not there charlie that's the bumper spot
sorry mr maxwell it's been a while
i told you three weeks ago nobody goes
above the bumper
i'm gonna do a little work on your
memory you know that
i had an uncle who memorized all the ink
spot songs
how are you pop elliot
well what are you doing here son are we
leaving today
leaving for spring training bob baseball
the way it ought to be on grass under
the arizona sun with no 230 hitters
whining because you wrote they couldn't
hit a bull in the butt with a paddle
right
spring training what are you talking
about let's go you said you'd take me
i did yeah sir is this better
what is this where mr thumper goes yeah
that's perfect
uh charlie why don't you take a break
okay in fact why don't you uh read up on
the man whose picture you nearly
desecrated okay name's ted williams
theodore samuel williams to be exact yes
sir i'll do that right theodore samuel
williams
so i'm ready when you are i've even got
my glove pack are you sure i was so
specific about uh remember when you told
me what a great writer i was
yes well that same day you said you'd
take me to spring training with you
sometime
ah sometime you see now that's the
operative word
i figured this would be a good time as
any since i quit my job and also what do
you say i've got my ticket
son look spring training is tough okay i
mean
even with all the sunshine and all that
it's just
it's unrelenting it's thankless you got
a bunch of ball players down there who
think uh throwing dirty underwear at
each other is fun
you know you're hanging around bars at
night you know just doing research but
hey hey hey don't worry pop i've been in
bars
and i know that billy martin's favorite
drink is not milk no
no that's not it son it's it's um
ah hell i don't know what well
it has to do with it has to do with
being a lone wolf
you know a a knight of the road so to
speak
spring train's like a reward it's a
reward for good writing a reward for
spending years in the trenches see i i
don't think you've
spent that time enough time to qualify
for that son
well how how many more years 10
or 11 tops
um
i i could be your assistant yeah you
know i could do all this stuff you don't
want to do pop i
i could keep track of statistics i could
i could be nice to people
listen to me okay when the time comes
i'll let you know all right but in the
meantime i really think it's best if you
just
go on home and work you know work work
on that pros
you say so
you know i am going to work really hard
harder than i ever have
well now see that's a spirit see that's
wonderful son
and you i hope you have the best spring
training ever
okay oh um here
catching my bus ticket have yourself a
night out on the town okay
k*lling your own now
[Music]
being bad is not easy honey how would
you know
come on judy laffy just broke his heart
he doesn't deserve that
may he be back can you we'd be tougher
when
11 years that's what i told him anyway
he'll be 85
by then he can wheel you around arizona
i don't understand
elliot's gonna be a man but he's not
there yet
when he is we'll go together
but not until then
because spring training is something
that a man does
like combing hair over a bald spot
that's an art form that's
creative comic
d*ke you didn't knock i never do it's
time you started
i caught you didn't i sitting in here
drooling like some 12 year old kid with
his first copy of playboy
she's in town you know yeah i know
straight from the kremlin
don't bark up that hydrant she deflected
yeah she also used to be a man it's not
in the book but it's true
now some doctor from ukraine leaked it
out proof the legs are not always the
first thing to go
her name's mirka in russian maybe an
american it's butch
doesn't matter you're still gonna
interview her you're gonna do a column
and not one of your standard u-boat
search-and-destroy jobs no can do nelly
why not well number one she's a commie
number two i got a bus to catch in about
45 minutes
for what arizona baseball
spring training first you're gonna write
a column
the world wants to know about this woman
she's beautiful
intelligent this lady is one smart
waffle iron
she's cosmopolitan you know she actually
speaks russian
no kidding she lives in russia for 23
years and she knows how to speak russian
man that's amazing better get on over
there
hotel de fuego press conference be there
aloha
cactus league nelson it's another bus in
the morning nelson for every minute i'm
here it's a story lost
this mirka thing is bigger than any
spring training twaddle twaddle
you call ducky gander twaddle the guy
who runs the scoreboard
you write about him every year well he's
an institution nelly
ducky gander is an american institution
that's what he is
you got a broad down there don't you
some waitress in a donut shop
wrong again nelson anybody who loves
spring training and believe me i do they
don't have time for women or booze
for the two weeks i'm in the cactus i've
become part of that game
you're still gonna interview america
okay nelson but if i miss that bus
buses are like street cars ducky gander
might drop dead
out out and bring me back a prize winner
yeah you stay here and play with your
hammer and sickle
born san diego og 30 1918 played with
the boston red sox 1939-42
names of 46-60 american league all-star
team 1940-42
46-51 54-60
sporting news player of the year 1941 42
47 49 57
elected to the hall of fame 1966.
charlie how did you do that to what
learn all that about ted williams i
looked it up
and you remembered it after one reading
that's amazing
is it charlie that's a photographic
memory
it is very rare and useful talent it is
why charlie with a photographic memory
you can do all kinds of things like
look up facts and remember them
and repeat them miss ralston miss
ralston
would you find a photographic memory
attractive
china because i memorized a lot of
things good things
henry iv into the king the prince lord
john of lancaster
earl of west milan king i pray harry
withdraw thyself thou bleeds too much
lancaster not i my lord
unless i did bleed too
how about recipes i know recipes
yes it is true in casual play i often
wear
pastels next question please
don't you feel the nightlife at the
french open is far superior to that of
wimbledon
well there have been some nights along
the sand
for crying out loud is that what we're
gonna do here today folks just to sit
here while our local susie knickerbocker
feeds powder puff serves to this mutant
commie
uh it's uh an acknowledged fact that you
are one of the premier players on the
women's tour
perhaps the best ever i wonder if you
could tell us
what true greatness means to you is not
for me to say about greatness i only
play and do my best and hope that it
pleases you
and the public so we'll go out and buy
your book
which to me seems a little bit
overpriced at 1795.
a million people will tell you otherwise
mr maxwell
slap maxwell of the uh ledger and now
actually i didn't know uh your party had
that many members in this country
are speaking as the uh only
representative of the sporting press at
this uh
goat rope maybe you could uh answer
something for me
just who do you think you're kidding
with this defecting thing you are
opposed to someone seeking a better life
in america
no no no it's just i think a little
sincerity ought to be attached to that
package
i've applied for american citizenship
that is not sincere
well give us your poor give us your
homeless
now do you really qualify for either one
of those so let's see your bottom line
here i
i think it's money what do you think i
was not raised to worship the dollar
or the ruble well but aren't you playing
both sides of the net here i mean
you're preaching marxism at the same
time you're you're pocketing the spoils
of good old american capitalism
shut up cool it comrade okay
i want him out of here
oh now this is perfect see the mad
siberians yeah
so it's off to the gulag huh well the
united nations gonna hear about this one
it's gonna start world w*r three it's
okay i gotta bust the catch anyway
a and d we'll be right back with daphne
coleman in slap maxwell
amd is back with dabney coleman as slap
maxwell
so i missed my damn boss i ripped the
knees out of my sansa belt bent my
fedora and scuffed my brogan
violent racism close exactly i'm telling
you right from the get-go she was like
an iron curtain between me and the
cactus league
a definite affront to your purity of
spirit
dutch i was marooned i mean abandoned by
my own kind in the face these
marxist marauders lonely how to breathe
moral fabric of american society being
torn
shredded ripped asunder i'm gonna have
my own innings with that's the chick i'm
telling you i'm going back
no you're not you're off the story
oh nelson so what's your uh wooden knee
turning to sawdust what
came to set you free spring training is
calling you like a coyote and a bird
bath i want you down there
next bus out i'll get bigger fish to fly
right here you slap slap
maxwell you slap america tell them
dutchman have you driven the porch
lately
no you're out of line here slap
i'll be damned if i'm gonna let you put
the ledger in the middle of an
international proturbance
nelson this is a big story this may be
the biggest story the ledger ever
covered
look my lawyers just paid off the last
time you went hi-hat
i don't need a one-man crusade but there
you are down on the 50-yard line with a
bone up your nose
like any self-respecting american you
ever hear the domino theory
yeah blueberry hill i'm talking about
creeping communism nelson
yeah yeah well creep this one more
run-in with mirka and both sides are
gonna be aiming their missiles
i mean we're gonna look like chicken
fried rice you really believe that
i don't live in a honeycomb i know all
about eyeball to eyeball confirmation
confrontation whatever you mean like
what we're doing here
exactly like i'm gonna have one more
time with that vladivostok vixen
don't do this slap go to spring training
write the damn article about the guy who
runs the scoreboard please
there we hand on that one okay
you're early mr maxwell my exhibition
isn't until tonight
yeah i bet you expect me to write about
it too don't you
give you some big time ink something to
send back to uh
party headquarters my mysteries talk
this way
we are not chris chuff and kennedy
hi how you doing all right can i get you
soda or something
some fruit juice oh no i'm fine and
thanks for the workout billy you bet
see you later bye take it easy
i didn't know you tell you was boys
that's not what you came here for is it
you came to discuss politics no
actually i came here for an apology
i guess i'm not uh one of those labor
camp refuse knicks
i know and i'm sorry
please forgive me
no problem takes more than those two
bozos to ruffle my feathers
but i am a little curious about one
thing about how you
have the sand to scent sand yeah the
gall
whatever to uh traipse around the
country fleecing the suckers
it is illegal for an athlete to make a
living
then translate please well i just have a
feeling that um
karl marx never played right the bank on
the other hand have this image of you
kissing a copy of das capital at night
and then during the day
stuff in your pockets with millions of
gangs dollars is that subversive i don't
think so
especially when an athlete only has so
many years for the big earnings
surely you understand that oh yeah of
course i do
if i didn't i guess i'd be an
insensitive guy
you're very kind i could see it in your
eyes yeah
even when you're being harsh yeah i
guess they always give me way
can you tell that i uh i'd like to take
you to dinner tonight
put some of those improved soviet
american relations to work
didn't you read my book yes yes i did
but you know what i
i don't believe everything i read
what do you think don't give me a chance
to make you uh
an honest woman i'm sorry mr maxwell
but i'm afraid you can't play in my
league
[Applause]
[Music]
future of the world right take your best
sh*t lady
[Music]
uh
[Music]
so
[Music]
[Applause]
go away i can't it's cold and i'm naked
oh honey hey i got you the landlord
oh i'm a couple of months back grant he
thinks he'll support you
you're not naked i could be now what you
do you come over here to uh wish me a
little uh
bon voyage no i came to talk to you
about elliot
we spent some time together yesterday
after you left
quality time yes as a matter of fact it
was
uh he's pretty depressed slap
he thinks that you don't like his
writing
i don't it's not good well
maybe he's not as good as you are maybe
he never will be
but he thinks he's getting better he
wants you to be proud of him
i need good writers are like good
hitters
they're born they're not maids elliot
knows that
he's not trying to be the ted williams
of sports writing
maybe he wants to be more like uh
remember that guy from the 70s
joe somebody joe uh the guy with the two
first names
played for the a's had a mustache joe
joe right
joe rudy never a great hitter not a lot
of home runs
is that the guy i mean yeah not a star
but solid dependable
great in the clutch take him to spring
training slap
come on he's dying to go and he deserves
it
now honey it's too soon he'd get down
there with those wily old veterans
they'd be
one minute spitting tobacco on his shoes
and next minute
buying him a drink i don't know whether
he's ever had anything stronger than
root beer
if you take him to spring training you
can find out
not this year the little people just
don't matter to you do they slap
what are you talking about
bill shoemaker uh uh uh eddie arcaro
lafitte pink i love jockeys no slap
no jokes
you've always got a big game to cover or
a dragon to slay
and that's always getting in the way of
the people who should really matter to
you
because who cares about you when you're
sick or lonely or confused
not the people that you write about most
of them don't even know you're alive
but i'll tell you i'd hate it if you had
to choose between the world series and
me
tied to the railroad tracks yeah that
could be a tough one
bottom of the night score tied two out
think about it
a while ago you said something about
being naked
uh i'm gonna be gone two weeks yeah
think about that too
[Music]
elliot fine
yeah listen i was just uh thinking about
you
what do you mean what do i mean
[Music]
listen time for spring training rookie
yeah the bus leaves at seven o'clock in
the morning
sirius is a knockdown pitch listen
you have a listen son this is not going
to be easy for you okay
well i mean one of those old veterans is
liable to give you the hot foot or
something like that
[Music]
yeah well baseball humor is
old-fashioned
old sport is yeah
well that's the charm of it
andy will be right back with slap
maxwell
[Music]
foreign
[Music]
foreign
so
[Music]
so
[Music]
not there charlie that's the bumper spot
sorry mr maxwell it's been a while
i told you three weeks ago nobody goes
above the bumper
i'm gonna do a little work on your
memory you know that
i had an uncle who memorized all the ink
spot songs
how are you pop elliot
well what are you doing here son are we
leaving today
leaving for spring training bob baseball
the way it ought to be on grass under
the arizona sun with no 230 hitters
whining because you wrote they couldn't
hit a bull in the butt with a paddle
right
spring training what are you talking
about let's go you said you'd take me
i did yeah sir is this better
what is this where mr thumper goes yeah
that's perfect
uh charlie why don't you take a break
okay in fact why don't you uh read up on
the man whose picture you nearly
desecrated okay name's ted williams
theodore samuel williams to be exact yes
sir i'll do that right theodore samuel
williams
so i'm ready when you are i've even got
my glove pack are you sure i was so
specific about uh remember when you told
me what a great writer i was
yes well that same day you said you'd
take me to spring training with you
sometime
ah sometime you see now that's the
operative word
i figured this would be a good time as
any since i quit my job and also what do
you say i've got my ticket
son look spring training is tough okay i
mean
even with all the sunshine and all that
it's just
it's unrelenting it's thankless you got
a bunch of ball players down there who
think uh throwing dirty underwear at
each other is fun
you know you're hanging around bars at
night you know just doing research but
hey hey hey don't worry pop i've been in
bars
and i know that billy martin's favorite
drink is not milk no
no that's not it son it's it's um
ah hell i don't know what well
it has to do with it has to do with
being a lone wolf
you know a a knight of the road so to
speak
spring train's like a reward it's a
reward for good writing a reward for
spending years in the trenches see i i
don't think you've
spent that time enough time to qualify
for that son
well how how many more years 10
or 11 tops
um
i i could be your assistant yeah you
know i could do all this stuff you don't
want to do pop i
i could keep track of statistics i could
i could be nice to people
listen to me okay when the time comes
i'll let you know all right but in the
meantime i really think it's best if you
just
go on home and work you know work work
on that pros
you say so
you know i am going to work really hard
harder than i ever have
well now see that's a spirit see that's
wonderful son
and you i hope you have the best spring
training ever
okay oh um here
catching my bus ticket have yourself a
night out on the town okay
k*lling your own now
[Music]
being bad is not easy honey how would
you know
come on judy laffy just broke his heart
he doesn't deserve that
may he be back can you we'd be tougher
when
11 years that's what i told him anyway
he'll be 85
by then he can wheel you around arizona
i don't understand
elliot's gonna be a man but he's not
there yet
when he is we'll go together
but not until then
because spring training is something
that a man does
like combing hair over a bald spot
that's an art form that's
creative comic
d*ke you didn't knock i never do it's
time you started
i caught you didn't i sitting in here
drooling like some 12 year old kid with
his first copy of playboy
she's in town you know yeah i know
straight from the kremlin
don't bark up that hydrant she deflected
yeah she also used to be a man it's not
in the book but it's true
now some doctor from ukraine leaked it
out proof the legs are not always the
first thing to go
her name's mirka in russian maybe an
american it's butch
doesn't matter you're still gonna
interview her you're gonna do a column
and not one of your standard u-boat
search-and-destroy jobs no can do nelly
why not well number one she's a commie
number two i got a bus to catch in about
45 minutes
for what arizona baseball
spring training first you're gonna write
a column
the world wants to know about this woman
she's beautiful
intelligent this lady is one smart
waffle iron
she's cosmopolitan you know she actually
speaks russian
no kidding she lives in russia for 23
years and she knows how to speak russian
man that's amazing better get on over
there
hotel de fuego press conference be there
aloha
cactus league nelson it's another bus in
the morning nelson for every minute i'm
here it's a story lost
this mirka thing is bigger than any
spring training twaddle twaddle
you call ducky gander twaddle the guy
who runs the scoreboard
you write about him every year well he's
an institution nelly
ducky gander is an american institution
that's what he is
you got a broad down there don't you
some waitress in a donut shop
wrong again nelson anybody who loves
spring training and believe me i do they
don't have time for women or booze
for the two weeks i'm in the cactus i've
become part of that game
you're still gonna interview america
okay nelson but if i miss that bus
buses are like street cars ducky gander
might drop dead
out out and bring me back a prize winner
yeah you stay here and play with your
hammer and sickle
born san diego og 30 1918 played with
the boston red sox 1939-42
names of 46-60 american league all-star
team 1940-42
46-51 54-60
sporting news player of the year 1941 42
47 49 57
elected to the hall of fame 1966.
charlie how did you do that to what
learn all that about ted williams i
looked it up
and you remembered it after one reading
that's amazing
is it charlie that's a photographic
memory
it is very rare and useful talent it is
why charlie with a photographic memory
you can do all kinds of things like
look up facts and remember them
and repeat them miss ralston miss
ralston
would you find a photographic memory
attractive
china because i memorized a lot of
things good things
henry iv into the king the prince lord
john of lancaster
earl of west milan king i pray harry
withdraw thyself thou bleeds too much
lancaster not i my lord
unless i did bleed too
how about recipes i know recipes
yes it is true in casual play i often
wear
pastels next question please
don't you feel the nightlife at the
french open is far superior to that of
wimbledon
well there have been some nights along
the sand
for crying out loud is that what we're
gonna do here today folks just to sit
here while our local susie knickerbocker
feeds powder puff serves to this mutant
commie
uh it's uh an acknowledged fact that you
are one of the premier players on the
women's tour
perhaps the best ever i wonder if you
could tell us
what true greatness means to you is not
for me to say about greatness i only
play and do my best and hope that it
pleases you
and the public so we'll go out and buy
your book
which to me seems a little bit
overpriced at 1795.
a million people will tell you otherwise
mr maxwell
slap maxwell of the uh ledger and now
actually i didn't know uh your party had
that many members in this country
are speaking as the uh only
representative of the sporting press at
this uh
goat rope maybe you could uh answer
something for me
just who do you think you're kidding
with this defecting thing you are
opposed to someone seeking a better life
in america
no no no it's just i think a little
sincerity ought to be attached to that
package
i've applied for american citizenship
that is not sincere
well give us your poor give us your
homeless
now do you really qualify for either one
of those so let's see your bottom line
here i
i think it's money what do you think i
was not raised to worship the dollar
or the ruble well but aren't you playing
both sides of the net here i mean
you're preaching marxism at the same
time you're you're pocketing the spoils
of good old american capitalism
shut up cool it comrade okay
i want him out of here
oh now this is perfect see the mad
siberians yeah
so it's off to the gulag huh well the
united nations gonna hear about this one
it's gonna start world w*r three it's
okay i gotta bust the catch anyway
a and d we'll be right back with daphne
coleman in slap maxwell
amd is back with dabney coleman as slap
maxwell
so i missed my damn boss i ripped the
knees out of my sansa belt bent my
fedora and scuffed my brogan
violent racism close exactly i'm telling
you right from the get-go she was like
an iron curtain between me and the
cactus league
a definite affront to your purity of
spirit
dutch i was marooned i mean abandoned by
my own kind in the face these
marxist marauders lonely how to breathe
moral fabric of american society being
torn
shredded ripped asunder i'm gonna have
my own innings with that's the chick i'm
telling you i'm going back
no you're not you're off the story
oh nelson so what's your uh wooden knee
turning to sawdust what
came to set you free spring training is
calling you like a coyote and a bird
bath i want you down there
next bus out i'll get bigger fish to fly
right here you slap slap
maxwell you slap america tell them
dutchman have you driven the porch
lately
no you're out of line here slap
i'll be damned if i'm gonna let you put
the ledger in the middle of an
international proturbance
nelson this is a big story this may be
the biggest story the ledger ever
covered
look my lawyers just paid off the last
time you went hi-hat
i don't need a one-man crusade but there
you are down on the 50-yard line with a
bone up your nose
like any self-respecting american you
ever hear the domino theory
yeah blueberry hill i'm talking about
creeping communism nelson
yeah yeah well creep this one more
run-in with mirka and both sides are
gonna be aiming their missiles
i mean we're gonna look like chicken
fried rice you really believe that
i don't live in a honeycomb i know all
about eyeball to eyeball confirmation
confrontation whatever you mean like
what we're doing here
exactly like i'm gonna have one more
time with that vladivostok vixen
don't do this slap go to spring training
write the damn article about the guy who
runs the scoreboard please
there we hand on that one okay
you're early mr maxwell my exhibition
isn't until tonight
yeah i bet you expect me to write about
it too don't you
give you some big time ink something to
send back to uh
party headquarters my mysteries talk
this way
we are not chris chuff and kennedy
hi how you doing all right can i get you
soda or something
some fruit juice oh no i'm fine and
thanks for the workout billy you bet
see you later bye take it easy
i didn't know you tell you was boys
that's not what you came here for is it
you came to discuss politics no
actually i came here for an apology
i guess i'm not uh one of those labor
camp refuse knicks
i know and i'm sorry
please forgive me
no problem takes more than those two
bozos to ruffle my feathers
but i am a little curious about one
thing about how you
have the sand to scent sand yeah the
gall
whatever to uh traipse around the
country fleecing the suckers
it is illegal for an athlete to make a
living
then translate please well i just have a
feeling that um
karl marx never played right the bank on
the other hand have this image of you
kissing a copy of das capital at night
and then during the day
stuff in your pockets with millions of
gangs dollars is that subversive i don't
think so
especially when an athlete only has so
many years for the big earnings
surely you understand that oh yeah of
course i do
if i didn't i guess i'd be an
insensitive guy
you're very kind i could see it in your
eyes yeah
even when you're being harsh yeah i
guess they always give me way
can you tell that i uh i'd like to take
you to dinner tonight
put some of those improved soviet
american relations to work
didn't you read my book yes yes i did
but you know what i
i don't believe everything i read
what do you think don't give me a chance
to make you uh
an honest woman i'm sorry mr maxwell
but i'm afraid you can't play in my
league
[Applause]
[Music]
future of the world right take your best
sh*t lady
[Music]
uh
[Music]
so
[Music]
[Applause]
go away i can't it's cold and i'm naked
oh honey hey i got you the landlord
oh i'm a couple of months back grant he
thinks he'll support you
you're not naked i could be now what you
do you come over here to uh wish me a
little uh
bon voyage no i came to talk to you
about elliot
we spent some time together yesterday
after you left
quality time yes as a matter of fact it
was
uh he's pretty depressed slap
he thinks that you don't like his
writing
i don't it's not good well
maybe he's not as good as you are maybe
he never will be
but he thinks he's getting better he
wants you to be proud of him
i need good writers are like good
hitters
they're born they're not maids elliot
knows that
he's not trying to be the ted williams
of sports writing
maybe he wants to be more like uh
remember that guy from the 70s
joe somebody joe uh the guy with the two
first names
played for the a's had a mustache joe
joe right
joe rudy never a great hitter not a lot
of home runs
is that the guy i mean yeah not a star
but solid dependable
great in the clutch take him to spring
training slap
come on he's dying to go and he deserves
it
now honey it's too soon he'd get down
there with those wily old veterans
they'd be
one minute spitting tobacco on his shoes
and next minute
buying him a drink i don't know whether
he's ever had anything stronger than
root beer
if you take him to spring training you
can find out
not this year the little people just
don't matter to you do they slap
what are you talking about
bill shoemaker uh uh uh eddie arcaro
lafitte pink i love jockeys no slap
no jokes
you've always got a big game to cover or
a dragon to slay
and that's always getting in the way of
the people who should really matter to
you
because who cares about you when you're
sick or lonely or confused
not the people that you write about most
of them don't even know you're alive
but i'll tell you i'd hate it if you had
to choose between the world series and
me
tied to the railroad tracks yeah that
could be a tough one
bottom of the night score tied two out
think about it
a while ago you said something about
being naked
uh i'm gonna be gone two weeks yeah
think about that too
[Music]
elliot fine
yeah listen i was just uh thinking about
you
what do you mean what do i mean
[Music]
listen time for spring training rookie
yeah the bus leaves at seven o'clock in
the morning
sirius is a knockdown pitch listen
you have a listen son this is not going
to be easy for you okay
well i mean one of those old veterans is
liable to give you the hot foot or
something like that
[Music]
yeah well baseball humor is
old-fashioned
old sport is yeah
well that's the charm of it
andy will be right back with slap
maxwell
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foreign
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