02x03 - The Birdboy of Alcatraz

[bunniefuu]

♪

(Honking)

Whoa!

Whoa!

Ah!

♪

♪

Man, oh, man, I’m starving.

I’m so hungry I could eat beach

rats and monkey brains like on

that survival show.

How come every time we come

in here, they give me crayons?

Do I look like I need crayons?

I hope we get Angelica today.

It’s a pity that girl has to

be a waitress and not the owner

of the restaurant, like all

women should be.

What’s umber?

It’s brown, call it brown.

(Giggling)

Hi, folks.

Hi, Angelica.

This is Ronald.

Oh, no!

He’s a trainee, and he’ll be

your waiter today.

Uh, uh, mm, uh...

What would we like to eat?

Yeah, what would you like to

eat?

I’ll eat that pencil you’re

holding if you don’t hurry up

and take our order.

(Sighing)

I don’t understand how you

can spill bread.

(Whooshing)

Boy, when they say some

restrictions apply on those

frequent flyer miles, they ain’t

kidding.

You in a food fight?

Just about.

New waiter.

That reminds me.

This is Albert.

He’s gonna be your trainee for

the week.

Oh, and he takes psi.

(Air leaking)

Tie your shoe, or you’re gonna

be flying all over the room.

He’ll practise on you until he’s

ready to take his test.

Now, don’t expect him to be as

good as me.

He’s not as good as you?

I am very happy to meet you,

and to learn every something

from you.

Good luck!

Wait, wait, is this a clue?

Am I learning something here, or

am I really stuck with...with...

Albert.

Would you like some French onion

soup?

(Screaming)

Thank you.

That’s actually my favourite

sweater.

I can see why.

It soaks up that grease like--

(Coughing)

(Spitting)

Sandra, you can’t wear that

bird watching.

You have to wear green and

brown.

Together?

Like, ew!

Great look, Sandra.

So, Julie, wanna do something

together later?

Sandra and I are going bird

watching at :.

We’re doing an article on

Bayview’s birds for the next

issue of the school paper.

Bird watching, right, uh...

You like ornithology?

Hey, just try and stop me

from ornithologizing.

I’ll meet you at the parking

lot by the woods.

Sure, sure.

Oh, and one thing.

Could you not tell anyone I’m

doing this, ’cause someone asked

me to do some other stuff and I

said I was busy.

And I don’t want ’em to feel

bad.

Of course, that’s so

considerate.

Pelswick, you wanna go see

Pinstabber IV with us?

You have no idea how hard it

is to shave around these.

Do I!

Oh, today, huh?

I don’t suppose it’s playing in

the middle of the woods?

Why, what’s in the woods?

Step right up, ladies and

gentlemen, and see the amazing

freak of nature.

The boy who turned down a horror

movie to go bird watching.

(Crowd clamouring)

Oh, it’s just a boring family

thing, visiting a sick relative.

In the woods?

He’s, uh, caught in a

bear trap.

The doctor said it’s best not to

move him.

Hello, I blend in as a

student, yes?

Yeah, years ago maybe.

I need some advice, and I guess

Jimmy isn’t around.

I’ve just agreed to go bird

watching with this girl, Julie,

and--

I love the birdies.

I always wish I could be sitting

in the forest, strumming my

banjo, singing with the little

razorbacks perched on my

shoulder.

(Banjo strumming)

♪ Let’s all sing like the

birdies sing ♪

PELSWICKRazorbacks are

pigs.

Most guys my age would rather be

caught in a mall in their

underwear than be seen bird

watching.

What do I do?

I have no idea.

You have no idea?

What kind of advice is that?

Even Mr. Jimmy has bad ideas.

If you excuse me, I have to

go tune the banjo.

I’m on Candid Guardian

Camera, right?

Hello, testing.

Mr. Jimmy?

(Sighing)

Morty, crayons are an insult.

I’m offering you a chance to

stand out among your fellow hash

slingers, by treating your child

patrons with respect.

Kiddies like crayons.

Wrong!

We pretend to like them or we

don’t get dessert.

Children grow into what?

Uh, older children?

Try and keep up with me here,

Morty.

We become the multi-dimensional,

expense-account eating adults

who keep Mrs. Restaurant Owner

in fur coats.

You don’t get multi-dimensional

by colouring in Mr. Toad.

(Paper crumpling)

What do you suggest I give

them?

Glad you asked.

Keggert Industries introduces

"First Placemat".

Designed to teach the kids of

today how to raid the

corporations of tomorrow.

Henderson, take the rest of your

life off.

Hm.

Well, Agnes and I just got

jobs as undercover store

detectives.

Do you wanna see what we do?

Of course, Gram-Gram.

We’re all highly interested in

All right, punk!

(Choking)

I saw you put that

skateboarding magazine down your

shirt.

Now cough it up!

Dad, did you ever have a girl

invite you to do something you

didn’t really want to do, but

you wanted to be with her so you

agreed to do it, but you were

afraid your friends would find

out?

(Grunting)

No.

Then you can’t help me.

How did he look from the

front?

Really purple.

Urple.

(Phone ringing)

Hello?

Who?

Keggert Industries?

It’s for me.

Morty?

Nah, that was my secretary.

(Crashing)

GOONAw, man, someone

stacked my locker.

Actually, Goon, that’s the

janitor’s closet.

I’m so excited about this

afternoon.

About?

Oh, yeah, that thing we’re gonna

do.

Me too.

Guess what I got you?

A mask, in case anyone

recognizes me?

(Giggling)

No, silly, a bird watcher

pin.

Will you wear it this afternoon?

A little pin.

Sure, I can wear it right here,

hidden under my...

Holy bat boy!

I knew you’d like it!

See you in the woods.

Hey, Pelswart.

What’d Smockford just give you?

Nothing.

Do you know if anyone lost a

hubcap?

No.

I did, I did.

I’m always losing them.

Vroom, they fly off, schwong,

and go dancing down the street.

Diddle diddle bing, diddle

diddle bing.

Whoa!

Albert, you can’t be in here.

Really?

Have I been reassigned to the

guardian angel band?

What?

♪ Oh, I come from Alabama

Do you have some advice for

me?

ALBERTAbout what?

About my problem.

Is it your weight?

No, it’s not my weight!

Holy cow, Albert, the worst a

trainee waiter can do is burn

your toast.

This is my life here!

Someone is coming.

Oh, no, now some dirty

joker’s filled my locker with

sinks.

Um, actually, Goon...

(Whistling)

Him, the one with the beady

eyes.

That poor man with the broken

leg?

Broken leg, my girdle.

He’s mine!

(Screaming)

(Crashing)

Aha, that’s a $ watch, buddy.

What you got, Agnes?

(Gasping)

Possible stolen pencil in the

back-to-school department.

Hey!

(Crashing)

(Gasping)

(Belching)

Sandra, we’re supposed to

blend in with nature.

I’m giving nature something

to, like, sh**t for.

ALBERTDoing your father’s

taxes?

What?

No!

No, I’m really interested in

birds.

Oh, it’s you.

I sense you have not got your

heart in this bird viewing.

Don’t say that.

Not out loud, anyway.

(Rustling)

Pelswick, I’m surprised to,

like, see you here.

I’m surprised you can see me

here.

You’re usually so, like,

ultra cool.

But don’t worry, your secret’s

safe with me.

In a moment, the Public

Humiliation Singers will perform

their new hit, "Pelswick, the

Bird Loving Disgrace to Boys

Everywhere."

(Cheering)

Thanks, Sandra.

What a doofus.

She’s gonna tell everyone.

And I can’t say I hate bird

watching ’cause Julie will be

mad.

I’m between a flock and a hard

place.

Huh?

Uh, wish I could help, but I

can’t interrupt Albert’s

training.

How’s he working out, by the

way?

He seems like a very nice,

you know, former person.

But that’s not the--

Oh, this is cool!

The whole room’s upside down.

Whoa!

Great, Aladdin had an

all-knowing, all-powerful genie.

I get Beetlejuice.

Level of play seems nominal.

No suspicious behind-the-hand

tittering.

No conspicuous humiliation

props.

I may have dodged a bully

b*llet.

Hey, look everyone!

It’s the bird boy of Alcatraz.

(Laughing)

Cheep, cheep, cheep.

(Laughing)

ALLCheep, cheep, cheep,

cheep, cheep, cheep.

It slipped out.

(Giggling)

Oh, yeah, nothing like eighth

grade wit.

That means my desk drawer’s

probably turned upside down and

filled with rotten eggs.

No.

Oh, that means Nick and Joe

pulled a no-brainer and they’re

in Boyd’s desk.

(Gasping)

You knuckleheads!

You weren’t clear.

(Laughing)

You people!

Julie, it’s okay.

Just forget about it.

No, we can’t forget it.

I was afraid we couldn’t.

Pelswick Eggert loves little

birdies.

And he’s not ashamed of it.

(Laughing)

He likes their plumage, their

calls, their proud, feathery

necks.

(Laughing)

Isn’t that right, Pelswick?

(Groaning)

Yes.

(Laughing)

Gelfman’s is very proud of

our senior hiring program.

But so far, in recovering $

worth of merchandise, and that’s

retail, you’ve destroyed $,

worth of fine crystal and stereo

equipment.

Justice isn’t free!

You handcuffed a patron at

our in-store restaurant for

over-sugaring his tea.

(Screaming)

(Screaming)

He reached for a w*apon.

It was a lemon slice.

Well, that can really sting

if you get it in your eyes.

You locked him in something

called a Burmese man trap.

Well, he looked like a flight

risk.

One more botched job, and

you’re fired.

I have to leave.

I’m helping my son humiliate

some boy who was caught bird

watching at his school.

(Giggling)

Let’s rock and roll, Agnes!

Ms. Habernathy, please remove

all these ice sculptures from my

office.

They’re getting all drippy.

Oh, and hold my calls.

I’m late for the rally to

humiliate Pelswick.

(Clucking)

(Laughing)

(Clucking)

I was so proud of how you

held your head up today.

You mean with this

head-holding-up device that I

made in metal shop?

It doesn’t matter how you did

it.

There’s nothing so powerful as

an idea you believe in.

See ya.

Pelswick!

Whoa!

You, like, missed the rally.

I’m sorry I let your secret

slip.

But I have an idea that’ll help

you, like, hold your head up in

school again.

You know, without that thing

you, like, made in metal shop.

Really?

It’s based on the principle

that if you have, like, a

hideous purse, no one notices

your shoes.

Wear this tomorrow, and the

whole bird thing will just,

like, blow over.

(Creaking)

(Grunting)

Oh, Albert?

Al’s not here but I can help

you while I’m taking a break

from this angel scavenger hunt.

Uh, do you have a picture of a

Swedish monarch?

I never thought I’d be happy

to see you.

The problem is--

(Banjo strumming)

Oops, sorry, Al’s back.

Catch you later.

Now, where am I gonna find a

half-melted ice sculpture?

Your closet has such nice

acousticals.

Yes, I can appreciate how

quiet it must have been,

insulated from the desperate

cries of people who need your

help.

Does this sound flat to you?

I don’t mean to be critical,

but if you spend half the time

helping me that you do playing

the banjo...

I love the banjo.

Especially this string.

It always reminds me of the

dewclaw on a doggie leg.

It starts halfway up, and is so

cool.

Albert, all you wanna do is

play the banjo.

Why are you training to be a

guardian angel?

I don’t want to disappoint

Monsieur Jimmy.

Yeah, that’s terrible when

you disappoint someone you know.

By the way, I solved your

birdie problem.

That’s great!

I didn’t even think you were

paying attention.

How’d you do it?

I closed the window.

(Chirping)

Aren’t you happy?

Aren’t you happy?

You may have spotted the last

two red-beaked, blue-bellied,

rubber-eating woodpeckers.

(Drilling)

(Tires exploding)

(Nervous laughing)

This will be an interesting

story for the paper.

Look, it’s Eagle Eggert.

Hey, everybody, don’t order the

chicken.

(Laughing)

I represent that.

Actually, it’s "resent".

But me too.

Pelswick’s my friend.

And, uh, just ’cause he’s a

filthy bird watcher doesn’t mean

I won’t like him again when this

has blown over.

Pelswick’s a bird brain.

(Laughing)

Don’t mind them.

I know a place where we can go

tonight and see a blue-nosed

tree warbler.

I might be late.

I have to go to metal shop and

weld myself a titanium smile

supporter.

Him, with the beard.

Oh, that’s a perp if I ever

saw one.

(Crashing)

(Smashing)

Book him, Gran-O.

What have you done?

We caught Bigfoot here

stealing a dinette set.

We don’t sell dinette sets!

Oh, well, maybe it was a

Renoir.

If he doesn’t have a

wide-screen TV under that beard,

I’m a monkey’s grandma.

Aha, it’s a priceless crimson

pearl.

Nah, it’s just a pimple.

Oh, yeah, I’m happy now.

CHILDI want crayons.

No, you don’t.

Yes, I do!

(Thudding)

All right, fine.

Go ahead, colour in Mr. Moose.

I’m ashamed of my age bracket.

Something tells me you’re not

enjoying yourself quite so much

today.

Whatever makes you think

that?

They fired you?

Ugh, that’s ageism at its worst.

Why can’t we be more like the

Inuklatul of Siberistan, who

worship their elderly as gods.

You know, until they put them on

that ice floe with a polar bear

and push them out to sea.

Oh, they’ll hire us back once

that super criminal cracks.

Oh, check him again, Aggie.

Nod once for, "I’m ready to

confess."

And twice for, "Close the door

and leave me in here with the

spiders."

What happened to you?

You look like the Joker in

Batman.

Eating at Burger Barrel

again?

I was in the parking lot.

(Splashing)

You are the worst waiter in the

world.

Uh-huh, I’m really an actor.

That’s no excuse.

They fired him.

No.

He was thrilled.

He got cast as the goofy

sidekick in the next George

Mucus movie.

Hm.

You’re fired.

Really?

Great!

But now Monsieur Jimmy will be

so disappointed.

No, he won’t.

He doesn’t want you unhappy.

Tell him you’d rather play your

banjo.

If you’re not honest with

people, how are they gonna

know...what you enjoy doing?

Boy, that one took you a

while.

You’re Albert?

Pretty good, huh?

Oh, and I washed your sweater.

It shrank a bit.

I have to stop suffering, and

tell Julie I’d rather do

something else.

She’ll appreciate my honesty.

Sometimes you’re so

perceptive, it’s scary.

You know, if you played the jug,

we could jam with Blink .

(Banjo strumming)

I think Pinstabber gets

scarier every time they cast a

new guy to play him ’cause the

last guy wanted more money.

I appreciate your being

honest with me tonight.

I wish you’d told me earlier

about your pine tree allergy.

Uh, well, you know, I...

If it’s not too much trouble,

could I get my extra bird

watching pin back?

I’ll see what I can do.

♪

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