01x04 - Carma

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Sitting at my piano ♪

Write your truth, Dawn.

♪ Sitting at my friend's piano ♪

♪ In my apartment ♪

♪ Actually, it's my brother's apartment ♪

♪ I still pay him rent ♪

[sighs]

How does Flo Rida do this?

[mechanical whirring] Aah! Oh.

- Yo, keep it down.

There's a kid in here somewhere, I think.

-See you later, baby.
-Vibes, girl.

[blows raspberry]

[both laughing]

- Did you have a sex guest

in my four-year-old's room?

- Max crawls into your
bed every night at midnight.

I texted Cray at midnight 15.

- Where did you meet someone named Cray?

- At the Instagram wall in the vape lounge

of the sriracha museum.

It's a very spiritual place.

- Does he know how old you are?

Do you know how old you are?

Because you won't even wear reading glasses.

[background jazz]

♪ ♪

- I'll have the Shiraz, please.

I know I'm 40-blah-blah.

It's just that back in the day,

I was always the younger one
dating older industry creeps,

and now it's my turn.

I control the games.

- Is that the healthiest thing?

- Have you written our single yet?

- Back off. I'm working on it.

- Wow, somebody's a little hunty.

- Don't you mean hangry?

- I don't.

- No.

The greatest songwriter in the world,

Dolly Parton, starts writing at 3:00 a.m.

and she fasts while she writes.

So I'm following the Dolly method

till I write us a hit.

If she can write "Jolene"
and "I Will Always Love You"

on the same day,

I can write us a song that's not owned

by some evil record dude.

- The old me probably would have dated

that evil record dude and had to wait at Ivan's

while he did the CMA red carpet alone,

but the tables are turned, baby.

- Forgot my socks.

Nut tap, huh!

[both laughing]

- It's wonderful. We have a shorthand.

[energetic music]

- ♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪

♪ 'Cause 4eva's 2 short ♪

♪ It's too short ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 3gether ♪

♪ 'Cause that's 1 more than 2gether ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪

♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ Girls 5eva ♪

- Thank you for bringing me here.

- Well, Zahir is a genius.

Oh, there he is.

- What are we doing?

- Well, I gotta find my popstar look.

Play with the angles, but no mohawk,

'cause I have a dent on this side

from trying to hang a flat screen TV.

- And I'm thinking I need to
freshen up the extensions.

- There was a mudslide at Bella Hadid's ranch,

so we just got some horse in.

- Oh, well, actually,

Kev's flying in tonight,

so I was thinking I splurge

and go human.

- Lucky man!

I got a wonderful supplier out of Brighton Beach.

The hot dog smell will dissipate

after four or five washes.
-Yum!

You're coming to the BBQ, right?

- Oh, of course we are.

Wickie, Dawn, all of us.

So this is Kev's

monthly visit, huh?

- Yeah, I know, it really sucks.

They just work him so hard at WTIT.

It's crazy.

Like some nights, he doesn't even make it home.

He has to sleep over at the weatherman's house.

- Oh, boy.

Summer, you know that you can always talk to me

about how you and Kev are doing.

- We're amazing.

- It's just, you know, distance

can k*ll even the most amazing relationship.

When Caroline took that adjunct professor job

up in Ithaca, we thought
we could handle the distance,

and it just wrecked me.

I started self-medicating with Spaniels--

- Gloria,

I'm sorry,

but that would never happen with me and Kev.

We're Summer and Kev.

- ♪ Summer and Kev's ♪

♪ Sweetheart sweats ♪

♪ Sweating with your sweetheart's ♪

♪ Better than sex ♪

- We're boy band and girl group's royal couple.

- Okay, forget I said anything.

♪ Takin' those words and putting 'em back ♪

♪ Zipping it up ♪

Withdrawn, just like my 20s.

[pop]

- Yo, you and Scott, you guys having trouble?

You know, I saw a man's
shadow on the Nest Cam last night.

You're cheating.
-What? No.

He was with Ricky. You have a Nest Cam?

- Yeah, it's my apartment.

Your song said so.

- It's not a song yet.

- I used to have dreams, you know that?

I wanted to be Keith Hernandez,

but I had to give it up, because, you know,

you can't be another person.

The science is just not there yet.

- I'm not giving up.

I just need something to write about.

Like, Dolly Parton wrote
Jolene about a bank teller

that flirted with her husband.

- Perfect. Go to the bank, and when you're there,

you can deposit last night's cash.

Don't let 'em tell you they can't accept it

if it's wet, all right?

Look, I got a bunch of other stuff here.

You're looking for inspiration,

I just handed you a whole album.

And you better take me to
the GRAMMYs and not Mom.

- You're not holding up restaurant sauce

on the red carpet.

- Oh, yeah, I am. Love you!

- I just love it.

You're a snack.
-Ha. Thank you.

- Sorry, gorg, your card's been declined.

Okay, I don't like this part,

but we're gonna need to take the hair back.

-Whoa!
-Ah, ah, I meant to say

that I am treating today
because you brought me here.

- Oh.

- Do you have Kev share that account?

- We share everything.

Finances, jeans,

respect and admiration for the troops.

- Maybe call the credit card company

and see what or

who he's spending money on.

- I thought that you were zipping it.

- I'm just trying to keep an eye out for you.

- Gloria!

I trust... my husband.

I love my husband.

I love his soul.

I love his swoopy boy band hair

that caused one of his eyes

to atrophy and turn inward.

God put me and Kev together.

- PR reps put you and Kev together

to sell Noxzema.

- And who do you think created the PR reps?

Ha ha.

Actually, before the BBQ,

we're gonna have this supes chill bible study.

We're gonna talk about lasting relationships.

You should come,

because what you'll get to see

is a very happy couple.

I'm probably like the happiest person

that's ever been in here.

[nervous laughing]

♪ ♪

- No.

You must see a lot of stuff
from behind that counter.

Anything crazy?

You ever hit on somebody's husband, or...

- One time,

somebody put dog sh*t in the ATM,

and I had to scrape it out with an envelope.

[woman, distantly] Next.

- ♪ Woof, woof, woof ♪

♪ Got a deposit, Mommy ♪

- Not for me.

[energetic funk]

♪ ♪

- Hey, you know that, um,

that Sierra Mist, that's not free.

- I dropped it into this cup,

and now I'm cleaning it up with my mouth.

- Wait a second.

I know that look.

You got the vampire glow going on.

Are you feasting on youth?

- Yes.

I am dating a younger guy.

I finally get why men do this.

They're so firm and happy.

- Welcome to the club.

Hey, um, how young we talking here?

-Maybe 20.
-How many abs?

- All.

- Oh, boy.


that comes a lot of upkeep.

This is how you keep them on the hook.

You take them to Atlantic
City on their birthdays.

Twice a month, get 'em jewelry.

Here's a hot tip:

Pavé is still diamonds but is cheaper.

And most importantly,

take the erection pill when the appetizer comes.

- We are not alike.

Unlike you, I'm a hot and captivating woman.

- I admit that you're way better looking than me,

all right, I get that,

but there's a clock on these things, all right?

One day you're getting out of a hot tub naked

and then realize that your butt cr*ck

is only an inch long, and--bam!

It's over.

A second alarm goes off.

- No, in my circles,

the December always dumps the May.

- You know, this whole thing about

a woman exploiting a man sexually,

personally to me, it's disgusting.

But it's 2015, so God bless.

- It's 2021.

- Don't fight me on everything, all right?

- Hot Topic Crystal Visa.

This call is being recorded,
and I am judging you.

- Could you just go over

the most recent charges, please?

- Let's see...

a lot of activity out of the Tampa area.

Big charges to a florist.

You purchased a two-seater Sea-Doo.

Hotel stay in the Keys.

A bulk order of 200 condoms.

Jealous.

- ♪ Uh, oh, boy ♪

♪ You've gone and made a big mistake ♪

- ♪ So now you're zoom zoom ♪

♪ Is gonna go boom boom ♪

♪ Zoom zoom boom boom ♪

♪ Should of thought twice ♪

♪ Zoom zoom boom boom ♪

♪ You're gonna pay the price ♪

♪ Sorry Mr. Buddha but there's some kinda spell ♪

♪ With a C-A-R ♪

♪ I need to ruin zooms ♪

♪ Every cheated girl hasn't used ♪

♪ And golf clubs are fire, like Angela Bassett ♪

♪ It's either this or throwing suits ♪

♪ Out of an upstairs window ♪

[clattering]

- I'm no Dolly Parton.

- Well, that's good.

I don't think the world could survive two of us.

- Dolly Parton?

- That's what it says on my amusement park.

- Dolly!

I-I tried what you did. It didn't work.

I can't write a song.

- That's 'cause you're looking outside for ideas.

"Jolene" was about how I felt.

What do you feel right now?

- I'm...

I feel like what business
do I have writing anything?

What if I don't have what it takes

and I let everybody down?

Because outside of being a mom,

I haven't tried at anything in so long.

I'm not even sure how to do it.

It's like how you know how to walk,

but then you think about walking

and you can't.

Suddenly you're in charge
of a complicated spaceship.

- Darling, you're onto something.

What else scares you?

- Everything.

Panic att*cks, g*ns,

accidently being a Karen.

Just about anything prolapsing.

- Oh, what about that flesh eating bacteria

you can get from pedicures?

- Uh-huh.

- This is all songwriting gold.

- It is?

- Come on, let's get to work.

- Hey, Mrs. Bello, how you feeling, huh?

- Stop asking.

I'm from that village in Italy where nobody dies

'cause of community.

- Yeah, you pay 40 bucks a month.

Why don't you go live with your kids, huh?

- I don't like their wives.

- Yeah, you k*lling me, you know that?

Seriously. Seriously k*lling me.

Hey, whoa, J.Lo.

Did Biebs dump you yet, huh?

- Please, this relationship will be over

when I say it's over.

- All right, all right, I
see what's going on here.

You bought him a car, huh?

- Cray has his own money.

He's a gamer.

His office chair cost $45,000.

- Whoa, let me get this straight.

He's the young one,

and he's the one with the money?

No, no, no, that's not how it works.

Never, ever. You're playing with fire.

Get out before the clock runs out.

- Enjoy your night alone, Nick.

- You're never alone when you're at

Valley's Total Fitness.

[energetic music]

♪ ♪

[dramatic, heavenly chords]

- Do not be roped in by his beauty.

- Ah.

Wow, babe, you look gorg.

I know your love language, babe.

I wanted to get you Dior sunnies too,

but our credit card got funked up.

Identity theft.

- Identity theft?

- The devil is busy.

[energetic music]

Wow, y'all, wow!

- I bet a bear or maybe a man did it.

Or there's been a lot of wind lately.

- Well, that's a lot of wind, babe.

- There's a song in you, Dawn.

Let's get it out.

[uplifting music]

♪ ♪

- C.

A minor.

G, G, G minor.

- You're going too fast.

♪ ♪

Ah.

Only the muse can eat.

We gotta get you out of your head.

Protect it! Oh!

Nothing but net.

Now you're cooking with bird grease.

- I have interviewed the biggest names in Tampa.

Brooke Hogan,

John Cena's leg day trainer,

but y'all are the real stars.

Get on in there. Find yourself a seat.

-Oh.
-Oh!

- Oh, you came.

- Hi, you two.

- Hey girl, hey.

Loving the J swag.

- Oh, well, yeah, I'm short on church merch,

so I added J-E to an old census shirt.

- Ah, nah, you're good.

We're the cool kind of
Christians who wear sneakers

and compare the bible to characters

from "The Office."

- So, Kev, how's Tampa?

Who are your friends? Do you have a finsta?

- Hey, Gloria, let me help you find a seat.

Do you know what I just realized?

- What?

- Divorced people just want

everybody else to get divorced.

You are worse than people who do CrossFit.

- I don't want to be divorced.

I want to be back with Caroline so bad

I had one of her crowns put in my mouth,

but my body keeps rejecting it.

I just don't want you to have blinders

on with that guy.

- I don't.

There is nothing shady going on.

It was identity thieves.

-Really?
-Yes!

- ♪ Judas is Dwight Schrute ♪

♪ And Jesus is Darryl ♪

♪ From the warehouse ♪

- The power of Christ compels me

to tell you... y'all are rad.

- Yeah, baby.

- And I know from the outside

we make it look pretty easy.

The red carpets,

the press,

our album of clean Christmas hip hop duets

sold exclusively at cr*cker Barrel.

I mean, we're Kev and Summer.

- Uh, we're Summer and Kev.

-Oh!
-[laughing]

- She's the boss.

But friends, things aren't always easy at home.

I'm gonna get mad real with you

and let you in on what's happening

behind closed doors.

My baby blue BMW Z3

that got me featured on Clergy and Cars Instagram

was att*cked last night.

- It's mostly surface damage.

Probably from storms?

- Some misguided soul
was filled with mad jealously

because of the #blessings
God has bestowed on my family.

They even carved "carma" into the paint

with a C-A-R.

Some sick stuff, bro.

Well, let's see how clever they are

when they're riding in the
back of a black and white C-A-R.

That's right, I'm talking about a--

-Limousine, y'all.
-Police car.

- Oh, right.

Police. Justice.

- What's done in the dark

comes to light.

[keyboard piano playing]

♪ God's flashlight ♪

♪ Illuminates secrets ♪

♪ Powered by truth ♪

♪ And batteries ♪

- My God, it's a hit.

- You really think so?

- Yes. She must be heard.

- I'm gonna go show the girls, Dolly Parton.

-Thank you.
-Yes.

- You smashed Kev's car.

- No, it was crime.

- Karma with a C?

That is a deep dive back
catalogue Girls5eva lyric.

You found something.

- I thought I did,

but you got into my head,

and then the credit card lady
said that there were condoms

and hotels, but then Kev did my love languages.

- What is the plan here? There are cops involved.

- O-M gosh, babe.

We are supes blessed.

- Hello.

- We got a match on some
hair fibers in the vehicle.

It was that woman.

- Yulia Kalashnik out of Brighton Beach.

- Scumbag.

And a bad haircut on her.
-Yeah.

She could have used some
longer layers to frame her face.

- You guys are incredible. Right, babe?

- Yes.

- Well, please let Ms. Kalashnik know

that we are Christians, so we forgive her.

- Yes.

- And then lock her ass up.

- Let's go finish the paperwork?

- Yeah. Gung-gung!

- That is obviously the
woman from your extensions.

- I can't believe they traced it to my hair.

I pooped in the glovebox.

- You have to say something.

- You know, I feel like
I'm being a very rude host.

I'm gonna go check on my other guests.

-Hello, Nick.
-Hey, Wickie.

- Look who followed me to a
lame barbecue in New Jersey.

And, yes, I slept over last night.

Mm, 2002 was a golden year.

I won a four-figure class action suit

against the Kids' Choice Awards

because their slime contains Roundup.

I b*at Vivica A. Fox

at Rock N' Jock, badminton,

and Hugh Hefner told me through mutuals

that he would.

Champagne me, baby.

- Whew... wow.

This is, um,

this is breaking my freaking brain.

He's young, he's rich,

and he's way too confident to have a weird d*ck.

You know, guys can tell these types of things.

I mean, I don't know, this
just makes no sense to me.

Unless...

-He's in love with me.
-He's in love with you.

Oh, no.

- Oh, I feel so bad for all of the women

who come after me.

- Stop avoiding me.

You can't let an innocent woman

take the fall for you.

- Listen to me.

I am sure that Yulia is no saint.

Aha, "I am guilty."

See? She's bad.

- "I am guilty of never being
able to send enough money

"back home to my dozen sisters.

We were separated by w*r--"

This is "Humans of New York"?

They only feature angels.

Why don't you just tell the truth?

- Because.

I love Kev

and I have a daughter with Kev,

and I'm not gonna ruin my one weekend a month

that I get with him

because I had a rosé expl*si*n.

- Okay, Summer, okay.

But come on.

W-W-D-W-D?

What Would Darryl from the Warehouse Do?

- I did it.

I wrote Girls5eva's new single.

- Great.

What's it about?

[relaxed piano playing]

- ♪ I'm afraid of heights, afraid of flying ♪

♪ I'm afraid I might be a little stupid ♪

♪ To write this song ♪

-Yes.
-That's sweet.

- ♪ I'm afraid that during high winds ♪

♪ The stop sign will uproot ♪

♪ And decapitate me ♪

♪ Or that I might thrive under Scientology ♪

♪ I'm afraid that after I die ♪

♪ Some will have sex with my dead body ♪

♪ And be like "Not worth it" ♪

- Ah, this is unrelatable.

- ♪ I'm afraid I could raise a son ♪

♪ Who get radicalized on Reddit ♪

♪ Or that he'll "Back to the Future" ♪

♪ And I'll think he's hot ♪

♪ And I'm afraid ♪

♪ I could accidently ♪

♪ Text a pic of my vag*na ♪

♪ To my dad ♪

- Dad's phone, it can't even get texts.

All right? I gotta print out his p*rn for him.

- Okay, fine, I will do the right thing.

Just make this stop.

Aah--

- Now, I've got two middle names,

so do you want 'em both, or
how do you want to handle this?

-Babe. So sorry, so sorry.
-Yeah, babe.

- Um, babe...

Yulia didn't k*ll your car.

It was...

Stevia.

- What?

- Yeah.

The DNA match,

it's gotta be from her hair extensions.

- Ohhh...

- See, babe,

Stevia

misses you.

This one weekend a month,

it's just not enough for Stevia.

- Ah, dang.

This is tween acting out 101.

Ah, babe, I've been a butthead.

Look, Tampa's mad busy, but...

I could come back two weekends a month.

- Ah!

Stevia would really like that.
-Yeah?

- Also, she said that we should kiss more.

- Huh.

Okay, yeah.

Mm, mm, mmmm, mmmmmm.

Ah, supes hot, babe.

I'm gonna go tell 'em we're dropping the charges.

- Okay.

Ah, oh, my gosh.

Gloria.

We did it.

- I had nothing to do with whatever that was.

- Well, you said that
distance kills a relationship

and now...

I got rid of some of the distance.

- I did say that.

Okay.

You enjoy your weekend.

- Thank you, pretty baby.

Let's go, babe.

- Ugh, Dawn's song was just embarrassing.

Reminds me of the time Dan
Cortese showed me his poetry.

- You know, I don't understand this

at all, but, uh,

good luck to you two, I guess.

- Thank you.

See, Cray, Nick doubted our thang

'cause what he doesn't get is that we--

[phone alarm going off]

- On twigs.
[horn tooting]

-Yup!
-Oof!

- Yup.

[both giggling]

-What is happening?
-It's for TikTok.

We'll add music and graphics later.

-Who is he?
-That's my twin brother, Ray.

- And that's my twin brother Cray.

[together] And together, we're Cray.

- This whole thing was a 48 for 48 challenge,

a prank to see if we could get an older woman

to date us for 48 hours without her noticing.

- Oh, my God, Cray.

I Stan you guys.

I love the one where you give Ambien

to a bunch of first responders.

- Thanks lil' ho. Everyone
said it was impossible,

especially our girlfriends,

'cause we had tried it
with a bunch of other ladies

who knew right away, but you never did.

You're a straight up narcissist, Wickie!

Ha ha!

- But we had sex.

How dare you.

-Nah, man.
-We never touched you.

[video game noises]

[sexual moaning]

- I have been told that my sexuality

is slightly performative.

- Pfft! Wickieroy,

you got Crayed!

Hahaha!

- This is amazing, 'cause the world,

you know, it finally makes sense again, so...

just hang in there, all right?

Be strong. You got this.

- Oh, honey.

- TikTok dicklets.

- Well, how'd it go?

- Bad, Dolly Parton. What the hell?

- Maybe fasting's not your thing.

Maybe you're more of an Elvis.

- I started talking about corpse sex immediately.

Why'd you let me do that?

- Because I'm not the real Dolly Parton.

I'm your hallucination of Dolly Parton.

That's why I don't look or sound quite right.

That's why my eyes are as brown as donkey sh*t.

My ass hasn't been this big

since Beth's little whorehouse.

I'm starting to think you don't
know that much about her.

- I know you're a coal miner's daughter.

- Ha ha! That's Loretta Lynn.

Now look,

you can't expect your first song

to be anything more than racoon tits.

The real Dolly wrote 5,000 songs

before she had that magic day

where she wrote two hits.

The good news is you've only got



You started writing.

That's more than most people do.

Now keep doing.

- You're right, Dolly.

- Ha ha!

Goodbye, Dawn.

[uplifting music]

- I need to eat something.

- [laughing to self]

Oh.

Hmm...

Yeah.

That feels good.

- Ma'am, we're very much pranking you.

- Mm-hmm.

- ♪ And I'm afraid that on Ancestry.com ♪

♪ I might find out I have
a bunch of half-siblings ♪

♪ And they'll want to be in my life ♪

♪ I'm afraid that if I got an awful disease ♪

♪ I wouldn't be brave ♪

♪ I'd just be a bitch and be mean ♪

♪ Or if I needed emergency heart surgery ♪

♪ The doctor would go "Hello nipple hair" ♪

♪ I'm afraid ♪

♪ That under every bus
stop is a sinkhole of rats ♪

♪ And I'm afraid ♪

♪ They lie about expiration dates ♪

♪ And my hummus is fungus ♪

♪ I'm afraid that the second I leave town ♪

♪ I'll get a UTI ♪

♪ Why can't they just sell
those pills over the counter ♪

♪ I don't need a doctor ♪

♪ I know exactly what it is ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Back to my kid ♪

♪ I have more stuff about him ♪

♪ I only breastfed for four months ♪

♪ Is he gonna be a bond trader? ♪

♪ And of course ♪

♪ I'm afraid that my grandparents' ghosts ♪

♪ Have all seen me ♪

♪ Masturbate ♪

♪ I'm sorry ♪

♪ I'm sorry Nana ♪

-Good night everybody.
-Good night.