01x05 - Catskills

[bunniefuu]

- What up, MTV?
[applause]

All winter, we have been
headlining the Zero Rules Tour

brought to you by Perdue Zero.

- The first chicken that's zero bones,

zero calories.

- Climb on, and let's see how we ride.

[upbeat music]

- I'm Ashley, the fun one.

Whoo! So this is Summer.

She's-- - The hot one.

What? Pat O'Brien said it!

- Here is Wickie, the fierce one.

- True.

- Oh, and these are our snacks.

-Ow!
-Oh!

-Oh, my gosh!
-Sorry, hon.

- No, it's okay.

It's all good in the hood,
whatevs.com.geocity/cool.

- And that's why Dawn is the chill one, y'all.

Where's Gloria?
-Oh, up here!

Desmond wanted to drink,
so I was like, "I'll drive."

Next stop, San Diego!

- Gloria is always working 25/8,

and, well, that's our bus.

Up next on "The Real World,"

everyone is still afraid of
the really nice Black guy.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ Gonna be famous 5 eva ♪

♪ 'Cause forever's too short ♪

- ♪ It's too short ♪

- ♪ Gonna be famous 3 gether ♪

♪ Cause that's one more than together ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 5 eva ♪

♪ 'Cause forever's too short ♪

♪ So what are you waiting five ♪

♪ Girls5eva ♪

- Girls' trip!

- This is not a vacation, Summer.

- Okay.

- We are locking ourselves in a cabin,

and we are not coming out

until we have a Jingle Ball-worthy anthem.

- I'm flipping pumped! It's
been impossible to focus.

- Ah, you're gonna love this place.

It's so worth the money.
Thanks for the Venmos, ladies.

The owner is très chic,

lives between Ibiza and Arizona.

- I haven't been to the Catskills since I moved

my Halloween stuff out of Caroline's cabin.

-Who's Caroline?
-Is that your mom?

-I thought your mom d*ed.
-My ex!

- Oh.

- She always wanted me to pop up for the weekend,

but when you're building a practice,

you don't have weekends off.

God, imagine--

Imagine if we end up running into her.

Can you imagine?

Oh, my god. No!

[upbeat music]

- Thank God. I can actually hear

myself think.

[shutter sounds]

Okay.

Wham, bam, 'Grammed.

Let's get cracking, ladies.

- Ooh, they have a fireplace.

Maybe we could light a fire for some inspo.

I don't see any firewood, though.

I don't know how that works.

- Oh, there isn't any. Dang. I'm on it.

I'm gonna run to the farmer's market.

-Oh, okay.
-Okay, everyone else,

phones in a bowl.

I want total focus, no distractions.

Come on.

Come on. In the bowl.

Good girl.

[slow keyboard chords]

- Girls5eva is flawless, aspirational.

We need something that can motivate b*tches

on SoulCycle bikes

or play on the news after
a devastating hurricane.

- Oh, no. Where? Are all the dogs okay?

- Wickie, I like that. Strength.

-Strength.
-Yeah, maybe something like...

♪ ♪

♪ Stronger ♪

- ♪ Than the best ♪

What?

All: ♪ Stronger than the best ♪

- Wait, guys. Before we go any further,

I do need to say, it's very important to me

that the song mentions the Infinity neck pillow.

-Stop making deals, Summer.
-I'm not making deals.

The song is to get the deal.

What if we sing in that,

like, indie-pop, throaty baby, like--

[scatting with raspy voice]

- Hey, Summer, you know
what would be a huge help?

Would you make the salad?

- I'm good.

I smelled a McDonald's on the way up,

so I can stay and collab.

- Or you could go and collab,

because behind every great song

is an even better salad. Tell her, Dawn.

- Yes.

John was only able to write "Come Together"

once he knew Paul was handling the salad.

- [laughs] Is that true?

Yeah, five sure. [laughs]

Oh, you know, and thanks

for trusting me with, like, this.

Thank you. I can do this.

- Okay, hit the hook again.

Both: ♪ Stronger than the best-- ♪

- Oh, ow!

- Oh, come on!

- I couldn't get the Kn*fe drawer open,

so I used a Kn*fe!

- Find a Band-Aid, Summer.

Be the hero of your own journey!

[light rustic music playing]

- Rest assured, this tree d*ed of natural causes.

- Gloria?

- You look well!

What? Caroline!

- This is crazy. What are you doing up here?

Are all the teeth fixed in the city?

- No. Meth got to New York.

- Is Dr. Gloria McManus on vacation?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I'm up here just chillaxing,
just, you know, leaf peeping

and creek sniffing, and I might draw

an owl or something, if it warrants the pen.

- This is different. You
worked on our wedding day.

- Well, at least the lab coat was white, right?

And the blood was borrowed and new.

- Right.

It looks like I have a customer.

I have a stand here.
-Oh, hidey ho.

Look at who's the workaholic now.

My stand. Must get to my stand.

Oh, is this cheddar?

- It's soap!

- Honestly, could be either
one because that is really good.

I'm gonna save that and take a shower with it.

- Ow. I hate it.

- What's the holdup?

- There are no Band-Aids anywhere.

- Check the owner's closet.

They always have supplies in there.

- Oh, no, no. I don't think we should open that.

- We're in a Nest Cam blind spot.

- Here. Let me. Watch out! Move it.

-Oh.
-Summer, no! No!

Put the Kn*fe down!

- Okay.

[mysterious music]

- Well, look who loosened it.

- Wheels up. Leaving derailment city.

- Okay.

[screaming]

[both screaming]

- Who are you? You are scaring us!

- I'm Daphne, the owner.

- Don't you divide your time
between Ibiza and Arizona?

- You got me. See, this is my only residence,

so when I Airbnb it, I hole up in here.

It is called the owner's closet.

If you opened a broom closet

and there was no broom, that'd be weird.

- Do you have a Band-Aid?

- I'm not one for name brands.

-Okay.
-All righty then.

Have a great weekend.

-Oh...
-Tracks for me.

- Wickie, we can't just leave her in the closet.

- It's her choice.

-Summer, back me up.
-I don't know.

Dracula lives in a coffin. He's very rich.

- This weekend is about
getting our asses to Jingle Ball,

and I'm worried--

- That she's gonna Yoko the salad.

- Okay.

I, for one, can't let a woman rot in the closet.

I have been to every women's march

that went by my apartment.

Daphne?

Hi. Please come out.

- Oh, no. I'm fine in my ma'am cave.

I'm binging "Emeril Live."

I'm on the episode where they went HD.

Now it's a hand-vein show.

- Please. We insist.

[warm music]

- Really?

Well, okay.

You won't even know I'm here.

♪ ♪

-Is this salve also handmade?
-That's actually footmade.

- Huh.

And did one pair of feet make it or two?

-Just one.
-You're not dating anyone?

Or you're dating somebody with no feet,

or you're dating someone with feet

that doesn't want to help you with your stand,

and, I mean, I don't know why they would not be

supportive of you, I mean, unless--

- I'm not dating anyone.

- Delightful! I'll take the salve then.

How's Cornell treating you?

- Oh, I left.

Adjunct pay was garbage. I'm at Columbia now.

- Really?

So you're back in the city, huh?

- Yep, three days a week.
Gave you a big discount.

- Thank you.

- Looks like I'm done for the day.

You cleaned me out.

- Oh. Cool. Cool. Yeah.

I'm probably just gonna go admire the artistry

of a spider's web or whatevs.

[upbeat music]

- Do you want to hang out?

- Yes! Sorry.

That was a combination of yep and let's,

but you know what I meant, right?

-♪ La-la ♪
-♪ Stronger ♪

-♪ Something ♪
-♪ Stronger ♪

-♪ Praise for the ♪
-♪ Stronger ♪

both: ♪ We are stronger than the best ♪

- Oh.

- What?

- No, no. I like it,

but if you're stronger than the best,

wouldn't that make you the best?

So why are they still the best?

- I think we just became stronger than the best

during the song,

so technically we are the best now.

It's not reflected in the rankings yet.

- Why?

- Because they come out on Mondays.

- Hi!

I know you said no phones, but quickie quesch.

Are croutons wood?

[phone ringing]

- Oh, it's Quest Diagnostics with results

or billing questions.

Can someone hold my hand?

- It's okay.

You can squeeze as hard as you want.

I'm a righty.

- This is she.

No. I'm not sitting down.

Because I don't want to. Because my butt hurts.

It's okay. You didn't know.

[placid music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Forest hearth ♪

♪ And muskrat wine ♪

♪ And felted touch near river's crest ♪

♪ Father sky and critter's breath ♪

♪ Rekindling ♪

♪ Autumn gust, tenders hush ♪

♪ And lovers' dove by daytime noon ♪

♪ Brandy grass near breaching trout ♪

♪ Rekindling ♪

both: I miss this.

- Jinx!

♪ ♪

♪ Rekindling ♪

- You have reached the answering service

of Dr. Gloria McManus.

If this is a dental emergency, press one.

- You use teeth for salad!

- What is the nature of your dental emergency?

- Hi. Yeah, sorry.

I need you to page Gloria
to make an emergency salad.

Her groceries are all just hot dogs and noodles!

I tried Googling it, but salad
is a QAnon conspiracy theory.

The group gave me the hardest job,

and we need to get to Jingle Ball!

- Ma'am, have you had
nitrous oxide for a procedure?

Because what you're saying is not making sense.

- Oh, my God.

You're right.

[laughing hysterically] This makes no sense.

They put me on salad duty, ma'am,

because they didn't think that I could do it.

Well, they're gonna be sorry

because I'm gonna make the greatest salad

that the world has ever freaking seen,

or I am going to die finding it!

- Box of shorts, navy, one pocket.

- Is the pocket centered?

Because I need a centered pocket.

- Um, it doesn't...

- Dawn.

- One second.

- Is this woman your mother,

and you're too ashamed to tell us?

- No. She lost her glasses.

- Ooh, these scented stickers have gone bad.

- I'm putting her in a closet.

- She's not granola bars.

- I bought my mother a house.
I'm allowed to do whatever.

- No, Wickie, please don't.
I'll make sure we can work.

I promise.

- Great.

- Hey, Daphne.

- Smell this! It's not grapes anymore!

- Oh. Jesus.

Hey, do you have any friends or family close by?

- Yeah.

My parents are just up the road.

- Would you ever want to go stay with them?

-In the graveyard?
-Oh.

I'm so sorry.

- No. I'm sorry.

I'm messing up your weekend. I'll hit the clos.

- No, no. Don't go back in the clos.

You deserve to stay somewhere better.

How about a motel?

- Oh, I couldn't.

I'm the one that's supposed to be in hospitality.

How can I serve you? You guys want massages?

Ooh, or I could draw you

if you're okay looking like Garfield.

I can only draw Garfield.

- Please, just do the motel.

It'll make me feel better.

I already got you an Uber.

- Put in request conversation.

- ♪ Cupid's crest and winter's blush ♪

♪ Rekindling ♪

I like the new ink. It was
like an Easter egg hunt

finding all your Anne Lamott quotes.

- Yeah. I went a little crazy.

- Look at us. We're a couple of Kid McCoys.

-Hmm?
-Oh, the bare-knuckle brawler

who got back with his ex-wife.

I know everyone who has done it.

Jean-Claude Van Damme. Gladys Portugues.

And then Judge Judy and Jerry Judy.

- G, this was great, but we're not back together.

- What do you mean? No,
we fixed all our problems.

You're at Colombia, and
I'm not a workaholic anymore,

and we just had a dream day.

- Oh, hon, just because you're not at work

doesn't mean you're not working.

- What?

- You spent hours trying
to keep those candles lit.

You called yourself a dumb bitch

because you didn't catch a Frisbee.

You couldn't even relax drawing that owl.

[light music]

- And that's a canary beak again.

- Well, I mean, if today was so terrible,

why'd we sleep together?

- Well, I've always admired
that work ethic in the bedroom.

It's bananas. But otherwise, it's too much.

- Good God. How did I get like this?

Was I ever able to just have fun?

[dramatic musical sting]

Bus.

Oh, my God!

What's up, MTV?

Our bus just landed at the first stop

of our tour, Buffalo, New York!

We can't wait to kick back, get crazy.

Zero plans. Zero rules.

- What up, Girls5eva?

- Oh, the Boybies.

- Five of them. Five of us.

-Yes.
-Hear, hear.

- The bad boy of Boybies just yipped at you.

I hear he is gelled from tip to tail.

Get it, girl.
-Uh, yeah.

I love to skoink, but I got to work on my choreo,

you know, feed the snake we perform with.

Yeah. You know, these tires

are really low, so you guys go.

Go enjoy the bright lights

and stunning sounds of Buffalo, New York.

-Okay.
-Okay.

- Yep, yep, yep.

- ♪ La da da, da de de ♪

[light orchestral music]

♪ ♪

- Are you sure you don't need a sec?

- I don't want to stop our momentum.

I can work from the toilet. Yeah.

[gentle guitar music]

♪ And what about whoever was the best before ♪

- ♪ No they don't know that
they aren't the best no more ♪

both: ♪ Because we filed the paperwork ♪

♪ But it's Yom Kippur ♪

- ♪ Yom Kippur ♪

-♪ Yom Kippur... ♪
-Keep singing.

I just-- I need to tune something.

- ♪ Yom, Yom, Yom, Yom ♪

[mischievous music]

- Hey. You didn't go to the motel?

- You got me thinking.

I do deserve a better place to stay,

and a motel is just a patch.

Next weekend, I'll be back in the closet

peeing into a basket of Easter grass.

So I went to Heidelberg's True Value

and used your money for
this. It's a yurt, and it's a palace.

-You gave her money?
-For a motel!

This is better. She's investing in herself.

- Assembly requires four men or nine daughters.

- Oh, mm.

Well, it looks like we need

to find something called the deever.

- Ugh!

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[music]

- Wickie.

- Are you Dawn from Daphne5eva?

-It's called being nice.
-This is not you being nice.

This is sick.
-How?

- Because this is all about you.

You can't handle the idea
of someone not liking you,

so you buy jeans you don't even like

because you feel bad

about taking up the salesperson's time

or give Uber drivers
five stars even if they fart.

You're terrified of confrontation,

unless it's with me after Fallon.

I'm the great exception.

- Hey, that took me 15 years,

and I was full of Negronis!
-[gasps]

- It's fine. I looked it up.

It's named after Count Camino Negroni.

- Dawn, if we're gonna make
this group into something,

you're gonna have to grow some labia majoras

and start telling it like it is.

[gentle wondrous music]

♪ ♪

- I made salad.

- Okay.

Why are your feet so dirty?

- Fine.

I walked to a Chili's by the highway,

and this very sweet teenager made it for me

because I don't know how to cook salad

because I don't know how to do anything

because I never had to learn

because I'm just too hot.

- Is it 'cause you left school?

- You guys think that I don't know

that you put me on salad
to get me out of your wigs?

Oh, you roll your eyes at my ideas

just because they're terrible,
but your ideas are not great.

"Stronger than the best"?
What does that even mean?

- The song explains it! It hinges on paperwork!

- Ah, sh*t. That's bad.

We have nothing.

We spent all this money to come up here

and have a perfect weekend, and we have nothing.

- Money, nah. The place was free.

Dawn, come on. We got work to do.

- The place, I'm sorry, was not free.

I Venmoed Wickie $300.

- So did I.

- It's gauche to talk
business, but if you must know,

I'm Instagramming my weekend so our stay is free.

- But you still charged us?

- A fraction of what those posts are worth.

Toilet the Cat follows me!

- Oh, but it's such a bad
idea that I'm out there hustling,

trying to make us

the official neck of the Infinity neck pillow?

-Ugh!
-Hey, hey, hey.

Everybody take a breath.

We're not gonna get anywhere
if we turn on each other.

-Ah!
-Oh!

- Girls5eva broke me!

I didn't want to mack it with Boybies,

so I became the hard worker,

and I never stopped, and now Caroline

doesn't want to be with me
even though we skoinked!

- When did you have time to skoink?

- Did you not even notice
that I've been gone all day?

Of course you didn't.

Just like none of you ever noticed anything

when I was struggling back in the day!

- With acne or--
- With coming out!

- Right, right.

- I mean, I dropped super gay hints.

I insisted that I wear a
helmet during "Space Boys."

- ♪ Space boys ♪

♪ It's a boy-kissing mission ♪

- You should've picked up on that.

- Who the hell are you?

-Daphne, Dawn's best friend.
-Ugh.

- Gloria, I'm so sorry

we didn't pay more attention, then and now.

- Yeah. Me, too. We can do better.

- And I feel terrible asking
this now, but who's Caroline?

- [sighs heavily]

- Oh, this cabinet is-- this is wobbly.

Guess I'm gonna have to make a shim for that one.

No. No more.

I'm not gonna be the hard worker anymore.

I'm gonna be me. I want to start over.

- So do I!

I don't want to just be the hot one.

I wanna know stuff, read about stuff in books,

and then, when I take my glasses off,

people will say,

"Oh, my God. Wow. She's also hot."

Ha!

- I shouldn't have been sneaky before.

Maybe I don't have to be the fierce one.

Pride, step aside!

- Okay. Okay.

- I need to borrow $1.8 million.

-Well, that was very brave.
-Yes.

- Oh, I feel a weight lifted, Lord!

Dawn, it's your turn.

-Okay.
-Shed your skin.

-Shed it!
-Shed it!

-Shed it!
-Okay!

Daphne.

- Tell her.

- We have had a good but not perfect stay,

and we're gonna give your Airbnb four stars.

- Oh!

- Four stars.

That's funny because it's, like,

what we are, you know? Like, we're four stars.

- Summer, you're a genius.
That should be our song.

An anthem to things that aren't perfect

but are still great, just like the four of us.

- Like lip injections...

and the of four us. My idea from before.

All: ♪ So what if we risk it all and try ♪

♪ Knowing we might fall ♪

♪ But we might fly ♪

♪ Who cares what they say ♪

♪ We're gonna do it our way ♪

♪ Like Sinatra or Burger King ♪

♪ Five stars is a lie ♪

♪ No one is perfect so then why try ♪

♪ Unless it's out of ten ♪

♪ Five stars is pretend ♪

♪ Let's wear our imperfection ♪

♪ We're coming up ♪

♪ Coming up ♪

♪ Coming up ♪

♪ Coming up ♪

♪ Four stars ♪

- We're... all: ♪ Coming up ♪

♪ Coming up ♪

♪ Coming up ♪

♪ Four stars ♪

♪ Coming up, coming up ♪

♪ Coming up, coming up four stars ♪

- Dawn, I did it! It's so good!

All: ♪ Coming up, coming up ♪

♪ Four stars ♪

-What?
-What?

- That was so good! That was so good.

- ♪ Stronger stronger ♪

♪ Stronger than the best ♪

I should've told them about that time

I won "American Idol."

Ah, Daphne. That's not interesting.

- ♪ Boarding the rocket ♪

♪ Lipstick in our pocket ♪

♪ Kisses on the docket ♪

♪ 5eva's hottest searching for ♪

♪ Space boys ♪

♪ It's a boy-kissing mission ♪

♪ A boy-kissing mission ♪

♪ Space boys ♪

♪ We found a planet full of girls but we left ♪

♪ See you later ♪
-We checked Mars.

-♪ They weren't there ♪
-We checked Venus.

-♪ They weren't there ♪
-We checked the stars.

♪ They weren't there ♪
-The Milky Way.

♪ They weren't there ♪
-The Milky Way.

-We checked Saturn.
-♪ Nothing ♪

-♪ Jupiter ♪
-♪ Nothing ♪

-♪ Neptune ♪
-♪ Uh-uh ♪

-♪ Pluto ♪
-♪ Nope ♪

♪ Then we checked one more planet ♪

♪ And found ♪

♪ Space boys ♪

♪ Their mouths in our vision ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Space boys ♪

♪ More exotic than a waiter from France ♪

-♪ Ooh ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ Space boys ♪

♪ We accomplished our mission ♪

♪ Accomplished our mission ♪

♪ Let's check the Sun for more space boys ♪

♪ Who are tan ♪

♪ But that's just space boy ♪

- [deep voice] Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five,

five, five, five.

Mission accomplished.

-Good night, everybody!
-Good night!