02x07 - Returnity

[bunniefuu]

♪ Strong ladies with boundaries
Better treat us well ♪

♪ Are we b*tches
Or do we just respect ourselves? ♪

-We sound amazing.
-Yeah.

[all laughing, whooping]

-Are we really done?
-[Gloria] Oh, my God.

This is the first thing
I've ever finished in my life.

This album covers everything.

Love, betrayal,

that one we threw in at the 1-yard line
about your knee exploding.

"Bend Not Break" is probably the only song
about arthroplasty you can slam ham to.

Sixteen songs.
We did it all on our own terms. No skips.

Not one filler track this time.

-[Wickie] Whoo!
-[Ashley] Girls5eva!

-You ready, girls?
-[Dawn] Heck, yeah, I'm ready.

[Wickie] You know I'm ready.

[Summer laughing]
Me too. I was born ready.

[Ashley] Then let's do this.

Sound off if you're ready.

-Wickie?
-[Wickie] Ready!

-[Ashley] Summer?
-[Summer] Also ready.

-[Ashley] Glo?
-[Gloria] Still ready.

-[Ashley] Dawn?
-[Dawn] In the house.

[Ashley] If you're ready,
can you say "ready"?

Because you could be in the house
and not ready.

-[Gloria] Woo-hoo.
-[Summer] Aw!

-Come and get it.
-Oh, my gosh.

To Dawn, for being our intrepid songwriter
and sometimes soloist.

To Gloria, for overcoming and inspiring.

To Summer--
I haven't been keeping up with you.

For not marrying your parents?

That's not really a bad summary.

And to me, for being a team player.
Perhaps the best team player.

-Don't forget Ray.
-Ray.

It's been an honor.

Ray.

We will forever see you
as the incomparable producer

we worked with before Jack Antonoff.

That means a lot.

To Girls5eva!

[all cheering]

What is that?

It's Brown Mountain K-Cup
Sparkling Champ-Brown.

Don't drink it.
It's just for holding up. Hold it up.

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪

♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ It's too short ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 3gether ♪

♪ 'Cause that's one more than 2gether ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪

♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ So what are you waiting 5? ♪

♪ Girls5eva ♪

♪ B.P.E. ♪

-♪ Got that Big p*ssy Energy... ♪
-[both] Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah, yeah-- That's what I added.

♪ B.P.E... ♪

I really feel like
"B.P.E." puts our best P forward.

-It's bold.
-Yeah.

It's fresh. It's--

-Fake!
-It is not fake. These are athletes.

Couldn't you and da fellas
take it to a Pep Boys?

We're selecting our single.

Jake Paul is taking on
a newly-buff Kumail Nanjiani.

This is my Super Bowl.

Kumail has been jacked for years.
It's not news anymore.

God, how could I possibly have a hangover
from barely sipping one Champ-Brown?

Are you pregnant?

It was Scott's birthday last month.
I know you didn't have time to shop.

No.

No, and I took three tests just in case.

No, I don't know what's going on with me.

Yesterday, I passed out for three hours
and I sweat through a book.

It's post-Album-Mode adrenaline
leaving your body.

Don't Sicilian spiral.

Yeah, probably.

♪ Why don't we bend ♪

♪ So we don't break? ♪

♪ Why don't we lean on each other ♪

♪ To carry the weight? ♪

This.

This is your single.

Excuse me?

I could work out to this.

Makes me wanna do squats
'cause it's got the word "bend" in it.

♪ I could feel the pressure on me ♪

Sheawn.

-Hi, Sheawn.
-Sheawn and I work together

-at P.S. I Love You Middle School.
-I'm a lunch lord.

-A what?
-A lunch lord.

It's the masculine of "lunch lady."

I assure you, it is not.

We're going with "B.P.E."

Thanks for the "offput."

-You're funny. I like you.
-Everyone likes me.

-Don't make a meal of it.
-That's what I do.

Get it? Lunch lord humor?

-How about I make you dinner?
-Dawn, spit take on my behalf.

How did I do that?
I'm not drinking anything.

You didn't answer my question.
Can I make you dinner?

What? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm getting a call in the other room.

Coming!

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Mm.

Ah. Album is done.

-How do you wanna celebrate?
-I have some ideas.

[dog barking]

Scully, hush! Shh!

Scully!

[barking continues]

Scully!

[McManus]
Where's the $3 that was in my robe pocket?

[nurse] I didn't touch your robe,
Mr. McManus.

[McManus] Oh, it was in there yesterday.

And today, you're strutting
around with a new soda.

Dad, Rita didn't take your money!

Rita, put on an Airwolf!

[action music playing on TV]

[jackhammer hammering]

Is that night construction?

No, my damn parrot can mimic roadwork.

[parrot] That's lunch, boys.

"You coming to Sbarro, Tom?"
"Nah, Nancy packed me tuna."

This isn't hot.

[dog barking]

-Tune it out.
-I should go.

Hey, hey, wait!

What if...?

The bitch is in the bank.
We're getting a place together.

Over my dead body.
Sorry, I love a hot take.

Supporting you.

You have to use Kev.

-As what?
-Realty is his new side hustle.

It's the perfect job for former
boy band members because they're hot

and know how to point at things.

♪ If you don't wanna live
Where you live no more ♪

♪ Just DM Kev
From the Boys Next Door ♪

♪ You don't need a bank
Or a credit score ♪

♪ Just good vibes or a guarantor ♪

♪ Sweet pads with lobby carts ♪

♪ Plugs ♪

♪ Doormen ♪

♪ That stink-talk everyone but you ♪

♪ And "ala-ka-poof," living large ♪

♪ On a roof deck ♪

♪ Kev Hamlin
Brown-Haired-Stevens Realty ♪

License pending.

-Right.
-Please.

He's living in my basement.
I need him to do something.

Eh, I do like a stink-talking doorman.

Sure. Set it up.

-Yes!
-Knock-knock!

Hi. Knocking verbally.

I can't make a fist
due to a knuckle skin tuck.

-Who'd you go to?
-I don't know.

I just popped in to say
your album is amazing.

I'm almost done
with a k*ller marketing deck

-that I can't wait to show you.
-PowerPoint or Keynote?

-No, surprise us.
-[Tate] Will do.

Also, a reminder to amp up socials
as we approach drop day.

Look, I lost followers due
to a volcano expl*si*n in Saint-Tropez,

not from a bot purge.

So, Tate,
we were talking about our single.

-It's "B.P.E."
-Obviously, I heart that track.

You can't tell
but I'm trying to make a hand heart.

But our algos, data, and 'puters came back
with "Bend Not Break" as your single.

-The one about my knee?
-[Tate] Yeah.

Focus groups of normals
said it made them wanna squat.

See you, would wanna be you.

-[gasps]
-Peace out. One second.

Oh...

That kitchen basic was right.

Maybe he could be useful.

Wait. I was looking something up.

-"White diarrhea"? Jesus, Dawn.
-I told you. Something's up with me.

Scott, put me through to the lunch lord.

Glad you changed your mind.
Hope you like sloppy joes.

I don't, and why so many?

I'm a lunch lord, Wickie.
That's the only way I know how to cook.

I also made 40 pounds of wet corn.

But can't you just divide the recipe?

Huh?

So where you from?

The white part of Maryland.

You know, that song you liked...

was validated
by focus groups and computers.

-Yeah, I'm smart.
-Right, right.

I'm debating how to caption this.

What do you think of,
"So full from eating," hashtag "food"?

Or, "Still pondering the loss
of the Lion of the Senate,

Ruth Bader Ginsburg,"
hashtag "SupportTheTroops,"

hashtag "BodyGoPow."

Mm-mm. Hate them both.

Why don't you just be honest?
Say, "Tell me how cute I am,

and it will temporarily
make me feel good."

So simple.

Honesty.

-As always, I'm doing too much.
-Or just say, "Is a hot dog a sandwich?"

And people go nuts debating about it.

In my school, it's a vegetable, but...

You're like if Anaheim was a person.

Ain't gotta sweet-talk me, I'm right here.

I'm stuffed. This was fun.

Neither is true.

-You know, you lie a lot.
-What?

You lie a lot.

No, I just-- I'm still out of sorts

about Ruth Bader Ginsburg's assassination.

Will they ever catch him?

For your budge, this apart is a barg.

It's so quiet.

They're on the hook.
Do your "Kev-surements."

Uh, the living room is five
shimmy-shimmy-pops by seven body rolls.

As a celebrity realtor,
people really expect...

♪ All that jazz ♪

It's not the original tune
so I don't have to pay anyone.

Hey, does this place have a bathtub?

That is a great question.
I love that question.

-Yes.
-Um, the answer is...

I don't know.

I saw a picture and I brought you here
and all I know is what you know.

I don't-- I'm not even sure
where we are right now.

Hey, why don't you and I
go find the bathroom?

[Kev] Good call, babe.

-[Summer] Ex-babe.
-[Kev] Ex-babe.

Ha. So do we have a deal?

Oh, well, we'll see.

I'm curious what
your "Kev-surements" are in feet.

-So I'll check that out.
-Sure. Oh, whoopsie.

Huh. Who's June?

Gloria, I took the liberty of putting
my number in your phone.

♪ Wanting, yearning ♪

♪ Remembering, sexual ♪

June is Gay Pride Month.

-What's that phone number?
-Nah, kid.

These are my go-to Powerball numbers.

No, the Powerball is five numbers
plus one for the Powerball.

I know because all my life plans
hinged on winning the lottery.

I saw your face, Gloria.

I've seen that face on my face.

-You're having sneaky thoughts.
-You don't know what you're talking about.

As your realtor, it's my job to get real.

You're having doubts
about your relationship.

-Buyer's remorse?
-What? No!

I've been working so hard
to get my ex-wife back.

I love her
and I am not pretending to be happy.

That's a direct quote
from my wedding vows.

If you're sticking with the story,
a little advice,

throw yourself into an impenetrable hobby,
something so all-encompassing

that no unwanted thought
could sneak in through your brain door.

What about posing taxidermy
in historical iconic moments?

The moon landing,
Lewis and Clark with little raccoons?

Thanks, Kev. Doesn't apply to me.

It's got a working bathtub.

Cool, babe. Let's think about it.

Or if you don't wanna think about it,
you could do the thing that I just said.

-Wink.
-Thanks, Kev. Bye, Kev.

What did you do?

My tongue is weirdly hot
and I have too much saliva and brain fog.

And I have brain fog.

I'm not a doctor, but I am 99% sure
I have Flynn Stranbygaard Syndrome.

Well, the only way to test for that
is to sample the brain after death.

And have you been near a Chilean spider?

No, but I live by a place
that makes very authentic empanadas.

Are you drinking enough water?
Are you stressed about something?

This is so typical.

The medical community
just ignoring a woman's symptoms

when diagnostic tests
would obviously prove--

Dawn, this is your file.

I mean, you've had a dozen MRIs.

Last year, you thought you had
one of those black licorice heart att*cks.

I ate so much licorice.

You thought you were dying
because a stray cat kept following you.

Because at a nursing home,
there's always a cat who knows who's next.

Look, I was wrong about those.

If I'm the boy who cried wolf,
this is probably the end.

And the wolf is here.

All right, if I draw some blood,
will you, and I'm asking as your doctor,

get the f*ck out of here?

I will.

Hi, Tate.

Oh, God!
Sorry, I ran late talking to Co-Z Boi.

[Co-Z Boi] My fault, ladies.

I'm so chill, people don't notice
the passage of time around me.

It's bad 'cause my dad's diabetic.

Well, was.

-It must have been his time.
-Okay, come on. Come on. Come on.

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Everybody sit or stand,
whatever you wanna do.

-Okay.
-Drum roll.

[all shouting]

-Oh, my gosh!
-Our album!

-We are so hot.
-It's so cute.

-Girls5eva. Returnity.
-It's just for show.

Everything's digital now,

but I wanted you
to have something to hold.

-With a screener for Being the Ricardos?
-It's in there for weight.

-Oh, okay, okay.
-[Dawn] Okay.

You put in the hard work,
now it's our turn.

You're familiar with
The Late Late Show with James Corden?

-Of course.
-Obviously.

Well, if during a commercial
you wanted to check the news,

you might find yourself at a site
called wuzappening.com.

And if you checked out
the lifestyle section and scrolled...

...olled...

to the bottom of the page, you'd see what
looks like a legitimate news story called

"You Won't Believe What Joe Biden's
First Crush Looks Like Now"

with a picture of a raisin on it.

-What does that have to do with Corden?
-Once you open the link,

I can't legally say it isn't malware,

but you'd have to click through


with an evasive close button
before the program releases you,

all while hearing Girls5eva's new single
looped at your computer's max volume.

-Won't that make people mad?
-That's the point.

Our brains are wired to store memories
made during moments of extreme emotion,

like anger or panic.

And that's how you create an earworm.

[laughing] Right?

No music video, no promoted tweets,
no Carpool Karaoke.

No radio drop where I get to go,
"This is Gloria from Girls5eva.

You're listening
to Dr. Chunk and the Bitch."

-Why can't I swallow?
-Probably because the album's dropping.

And you wrote all of the songs on it,
so if everybody hates it,

it means that they hate you
as a person on every level.

-Jesus, Summer.
-What? Oh, no, honey, I'm so on your side.

So what if it turns out
that you let us all down

and then nobody gives us a third chance
because of what you made us do?

-Dawn, don't worry.
-[pop music playing on speakers]

Nah, I blame my damn knee.

That should be us up there.

[gasps] Collab got a shoe collab?

-I'm doing a graffito.
-[Gloria] Don't waste your lipstick.

Summer, no. Posters move now.

[Gloria] Oh, boy.

Oh, no. Ma'am, I'm so sorry.

Listen, we gotta do something really big
if we want anyone to know that we exist.

Something that reaches people.

OnlyFans, sell my farts.

Oh, my God.
My Instagram posts are blowing up.

Feel my phone. It's warm.

I'm getting comments from actual humans.

You do look cute.

"Meat between bread is a sandwich,"
from @WineOClock.

The lunch lord is a basic whisperer.

Hey, hey, hey. Don't use him, Wickie.

He's a good guy,

he has individual handshakes
for Scott's students,

and never once tried to get on Ellen.

Alexa, volume none.

I'm doing this.

For us!

-I'm not really a chef.
-No. Here, here.

Let me show you.

Like this.

Just-- Hey, don't rush.

Don't we need to remove the bones?

Nope.

You should wash your nose.

Oh.

Oh, God.

-Are you okay?
-It's just work. I don't wanna bore you.

Cool. So you wanna talk about whether
Jake Paul is a real fighter or not?

The label's not pushing our album

and we need to do something big
to get noticed.

And I keep asking myself,
what would a regular-brained normal like?

-What would get on their radar?
-[machine rumbling]

The Nuggetter's working through a beak.

Ah.

I'm surprised
that you wanted to hang out with me.

Why? I love it here.

[machine rumbling]

Allow me.

That's-- That's good. That's good.

Yeah. It's just that every question
that you asked me was about you.

Are you suggesting that I'm self-centered?
I'm not. I'm very giving.

I go to multiple charity cocktail hours
to raise awareness for the uglies

and the sads and the misshapen
and the ruined.

Mm-hm.

And do you also raise money?

Fine.

I just like going to cool parties.

Half the time
I don't know what they're for.

Like, I was at this one for renal failure,
and I was like, "Why am I even here?

I don't even have a 'renus.'"

Okay, glad we're being honest.

So can I be honest?

You got a little bit of beak
on your cheek.

[machine rumbling]

This feels good.

[Dawn] Hey, guys.

Hey, I'm trying to lower my anxiety
by listening to a white lady

who went to India once.

We were just trying to see
what kind of couch we want.

-This one's nice.
-Yeah.

-Some good bounce.
-Yeah.

Can you believe this bitch
is back in the bank?

Tell me who you've been with.
I can handle it.

-Well, you'll be happy to know, no one.
-Really, no one?

I had a low point where I purchased
a Megan Rapinoe torso.

But due to supply chain issues,
that one didn't show up.

Well, I've dated around.
Don't worry, you're not missing anything.

I mean, yeah, it's fun at first
but I'm so sick of three-month stands.

Now I just kind of wanna watch
Criterion Collection until I die.

You know?

Yeah, same, girl. Same.

Not missing anything. Let's see
how this couch handles a little...

♪ All that jazz ♪

Gloria, feed me like a horse.

♪ More thoughts ♪

♪ Uh-oh ♪

♪ Should I have dated more ladies? ♪

-[whinnies]
-♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

[door opens]

The basic gave it up.
All I had to do was nugget a chicken.

Stop juicing the lunch lord.
What did he say?

He started watching
the Beatles documentary

and thinks we should do the roof thing
from the documentary.

I said, "It's been done."

He said, "So? And can we please
stop talking about work?"

I said, "Yes," and left. We need a roof!

I know where we can get a roof.

-Okay, we live, y'all!
-Whoo!

You've been waiting an eternity for us
to make Returnity.

This is "Bend Not Break."

♪ I could feel the pressure on me ♪

♪ From every direction on me ♪

[all] ♪ Every time we learn the rules
You change the game ♪

♪ But we learned our lesson already ♪

♪ Got our secret w*apon all ready ♪

[all] ♪ And it's got eight legs
Four smiles and a cane ♪

♪ Why don't we bend so we don't break? ♪

♪ Why don't we lean on each other... ♪

Oh, I think it's wonderful
what they're doing up there.

-What are they doing up there?
-Clear the way! Clear the way!

I'm so late for this Halloween party.
It's the spring.

♪ Why don't we bend so we don't break? ♪

♪ Why don't we bend so we don't break? ♪

♪ Why don't we lean
On each other to carry the weight? ♪

[helicopter whirring]

-That's a chopper!
-What the f*ck?

-Is it trying to come here?
-[Kev] That's a lot of wind.

I knew the H didn't stand
for "hospitality deck."

I made no secret. I'm license pending.

It took my extensions!

Whose idea was this?

Damn you, lunch lord!

[pilot on loudspeaker] We can't land!

Take that to the taint ward!

What? Oh, my God!

-[pilot] You have nine minutes!
-Okay!

Go! Go!

I can't believe I took career advice
from a lunch lord.

You're not an oracle of basics.
You're just basic.

So why are you here?

To yell at you
and let you know your ideas are bad.

Well, if you're just telling me I suck,
sounds like it could have been an e-mail.

[scoffs] Typing? As mad as I am?

I wouldn't waste this manicure on you.

Also screen time
interrupts sleep cycles, so...

[groans]

Why do I like you?

[Kev] And sign here, sign here, sign here,
sign here and sign there.

You have to point at different places.

It only requires one signature.
I'm doing emphasis.

-This is really happening.
-We're home, babe.

Oh...

♪ Well-- ♪

If you are about to sing
The Jeffersons theme, don't.

I wasn't.

-I'm gonna show you the bathtub.
-Okay.

The bath!

Yes! Yes!

You closed your first deal, ex-babe.

Maybe you can use some
of the money to move out.

No, I'm putting it all back
into the biz, ex-babe.

I spent the whole thing
on Gucci no-show socks.

What? Well, how will anyone even know?

I know. I know.

It gave me the confidence to k*ll it today

and the swagger to walk
this back to the office

and see if any of it's right.

Ha, ha.

Gloria, thanks so much
for being my first offish commish.

Yeah, no problem. Hey, come here.

Guess you were wrong when you thought
I was anything like you, huh?

Because I got the apartment.
I'm committing.

Nah. This is straight out
of the Kev "preybook."

What? Renting an apartment?

I bought Summer a mother-hugging house.

Because how can you have
any doubts about your relationship

if you're so committed?

I almost forgot.
I got you a housewarming gift.

It's a tiny Abraham Lincoln beard
and some raccoon poison.

Wink.

I think you're gonna have
a lot of fun with it.

Just get the f*ck out.

In feel-bad news,
reunited girl group Girls5eva

violated several FAA regulations

attempting to be like the Beatles
from the Beatles documentary.

I don't like to editorialize,

so I'll reserve my opinions
about just how basic that is.

New data shows that every single...

Where have you been?

Oh.

-[TV turns off]
-Just out all night alone.

But let's talk about you.

Diarrhea still white?

I stopped checking.

I'm trying to accept
the things I cannot control.

[cell phone buzzing]

Oh, God.

-Hey, Tate!
-Hey, T-bone!

Ladies, I caught the roof.

Wait, I'm seeing in my notes,
"Don't mention that."

So I did not see the roof.

Anyway, we're routing
a world tour for Collab

and looking for an opener.

Wanted to temp check on G5E's interest
before I threw your hats in the ring.

Uh, well, none of my hats
are meant to be thrown,

but Dawn has some caps
that say Mets and so forth.

Of course. Okay, I'll throw her hat.

-[cell phone rings]
-Can't wait for this.

This is big for you,
big for me, big for the Pro Bros.

-Ms. Solano?
-Dr. Cole. Is the wolf here?

Actually, something did come up
on your blood work.

You're pregnant.

What? No.

No, no, no. I took three pregnancy--

Nope, they're thumb drives.
I peed on thumb drives in the dark.

We're going on tour, baby!

[groans]

f*ck.

[Dawn] I'm so ready to do my roll call.

-You ready, Summer?
-[Summer] Yeah, Dawn.

-[Dawn] Ashley?
-[Ashley] Hella ready.

-[Dawn] Gloria?
-[young Gloria] Vroom, vroom. Ready!

[Dawn] Wickie?

[Wickie] I'm not ready, guys!

-[Dawn] You were just ready.
-[Wickie] Sorry! Start without me!

-[Dawn] We can't start without you.
-[Summer] No way.

[Ashley]
It's not a party without Wickie. Come on!

[Wickie] Okay, okay, I'm here.

I'm here and 150% ready

to break it down.

In five, four, three, two,

one, two, three, four, four, five.

-[young Gloria] You said "four" twice.
-[Wickie] Did I?

I'm just so pumped for this song.

[Ashley]
It's all good, girls. Let's fire it up.

[Summer]
Yeah. Dawn's ready. Wickie's ready.

Ashley's ready. Glo's ready.

I'm ready. You ready, Kayleigh?

[young Gloria]
We don't have a Kayleigh anymore.

[Dawn]
Remember, her mom wasn't up for this?

[Summer] Right, right. [laughing]

[Dawn] Girls, we have a quorum.
Should we do this thing?

[Ashley] If you're questioning it,
maybe you're not totally ready.

[Wickie] I had the same thought.

Maybe we meet back tomorrow
when it's a certainty we're all ready.

[young Gloria]
I can't, but I'm good the day after.

-[Summer] Works for me.
-[Ashley] Same, dog.

[Wickie] Then it's settled.
The day after tomorrow, y'all!