02x08 - Tour Mode

[bunniefuu]

An accident at 40 is usually mixing up
your Chastains and your Dallas Howards,

not a surprise baby.

I'll never get over the fact
that I can make life with my penis.

It puts the other parts to shame.

Eyes? Yeah, you can see a boat? Great.

Come back when you can make one!

They age-shame you
with this take-home literature.

"The Over-35 Geriatric Pregnancy:
There Be Monsters."

"Like Dresden,
after the Allied firebombing,

your uterus is a shell of its former--"

Ignore that. We'll get a better doctor.

This kid's graduation, are we gonna be
the parents who sit on the aisle?

Hey, hey, hey, look...

You know I want this,
but are you good here?

Yeah, I am.

It's just, the timing is bananas.

We have this tour on the table.

Will America be as kind
to a female Ted Lasso

who leaves her family to go abroad?
I think not.

And Wickie, I know she'll see this
as me holding the group back.

Hey. Take a breath.

Yeah.

You're right. I'm only six weeks in.

So maybe we hold a b*at
before we tell anybody?

Sure. But can we tell a stranger just
to get some of the telling energy out?

-Yes. Oh, there's one.
-Oh, hey.

-We're having a baby!
-My penis can make arms and lungs!

Oh! Okay.

[both shouting]

-Let's find somebody else.
-Okay. This way.

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪

-♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪
-♪ It's too short ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 3gether ♪

♪ 'Cause that's one more than 2gether ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪

♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ So, what are you waiting 5? ♪

♪ Girls5eva ♪

Huh.

Normally, I'd be in an Uber by now,
yet I'm here, in the light...

eating 200 eggs out of a catering tray.

Eggs are easy to portion
for two people, Sheawn.

You just stop cracking after four.

You sound insane.

Hey, I'm chaperoning a dance on Thursday.

-You wanna be my date?
-Oh. Um...

Maybe. I just need to see
what's up with all this tour stuff.

-Don't wanna be seen in public with me?
-No!

I just like it here.

It's all cozy here, and...

-This is cool.
-Okay.

-It's fun.
-Mm-hm. Yeah, it's fine. I get it.

I'm just a lunch lord,

not the guy that comes
to school once a year

to rap about changing bodies,

-or a guidance counselor--
-You're sub-Scott?

Scott's the man. He can get mail at work.

[sighs]

It's okay to get wrapped up in status.

I'm not. I buy my sunglasses
at a hut like everybody else.

Come on, it's gotta annoy you

that you're the total package
but you're not Beyoncé.

And you should be Yoncé.

-What does she have that you don't?
-A mother who made her costumes

so she didn't have to stay up
making costumes.

I wanna show you something.

Nice Tim.

Oh, my...

Okay. So you have weird toes.

So what?

Toes are like a basketball team.

There's five of them,
and everybody's doing their own thing.

See the little white one?
That's Steve Nash.

Come on tour with me.

I'd love to,

but switching lunch lords mid-year
is not good for the kids.

Totally get it. Don't care. Casual.

Shut up.

Collab's tour is boy-nanas.

Four months, 20 cities,
sponsored by State Farm.

State Farm? That's a real company!

-Tokyo, Paris, Rome.
-Oh, my God, Orlando, Las Vegas.

Orlando!

Bonnaroo, Coachella,
Tallahassee Fest with Lady A.

And who's Bootsy Tings?

Oh. After Stinker got canceled,

he pulled a Nelly
and reinvented himself as a country act.

♪ He's just a boy with Daddy's spoon ♪

♪ Sure it seems a little soon
To be stepping, stepping, stepping ♪

♪ Into Daddy's soup shoes ♪

Stinker is from Glendale.

So it's down to you and Co-Z Boi
for the official opener slot.

Tomorrow, you'll both perform
test shows at Terminal 5,

and the Property Brothers
will make the call.

We get to perform at Terminal 5?

That's where I almost saw Lizzo,

and Florence and the Machine
and Ed Sheeran.

-It's hard to get a sitter.
-This is big time.

And can I just say,
I'm rooting for Girls5eva

because Co-Z Boi reminds me of a guy
I once dated. I don't wanna talk about it.

[all] Yay!

A world tour
and I'm moving in with Caroline.

This is my year.

The timing couldn't be
more perfect for me.

Stevia's about to find out
which hype house she got into.

Her first choice is Content Crib,

but her backup is Suny Steez Castle, so...

She goes and lives there?

Yeah, that's how houses work.

I'm prête à partir aussi.
Nothing holding me back,

like a sexy Macy's Thanksgiving balloon
but with no straps,

ready to float wherever the wind takes me,

not tethered to New York
by a kind-eyed everyman.

I'm also good, obviously.

I'm kind of the normal in the group.
Nary a problem.

Why? Because I'm the glue.

Nothing gumming up my glue tip.

Just slick, predictable glue.

Ready to stick. Always smooth.

Always glue!

[crowd cheering]

-I love you, Collab!
-Keep me in your basement!

What's happening now will last forever!

Seriously, guys, look how far we've come.

We were invited
to be on this stage tonight.

To sing music that... we made.

Wait, are you crying?

I'm the one that normally cries. Come on.

[announcer] Give it up for Collab!

Freaking hormones.

Yo, yo! It's your boys!

Broyce, Brace, Brice, Breece and Braxter!

You ready to Honey-dew this thang?

Sit tight. We'll be back in 20 minis.

-We're trying out openers, y'all.
-I hate openers!

I'm leaving for chicken and alcohol.

[girl] Hey, where are you going?

Hey! No moose faces.

We're f*cking likable! Let's do it.

[announcer] Please welcome, Girls5eva!

Hello, New York!

Well, hit it, boys
and one girl with the longer guitar!

[pop music playing]

♪ Why don't we bend so we don't break? ♪

♪ Why don't we lean on each other
To carry the weight? ♪

♪ Again and again, together we stay ♪

♪ Why don't we bend so we don't break? ♪

♪ I could feel the pressure on me ♪

♪ From every direction on me ♪

[all] ♪ Every time we learn the rules
You change the game ♪

♪ But we learned a lesson already ♪

♪ Got our secret w*apon already ♪

[all] ♪ And it's got eight legs
Four smiles and a cane ♪

♪ We have a bond that can't be broken ♪

♪ We took the long way here ♪

♪ And we're not turning back now ♪

[all] ♪ No matter where we end up going ♪

♪ The one thing we know
Is we won't go alone ♪

♪ Why don't we bend so we don't break? ♪

♪ Why don't we lean on each other
To carry the weight? ♪

♪ Again and again, together we stay ♪

♪ Why don't we bend so we don't break? ♪

♪ Why don't we bend? ♪

♪ Why don't we bend? ♪

Gloria, I love you!

Keep me in your basement!

♪ Again and again, together we stay ♪

♪ Why don't we bend so we don't break? ♪

♪ Why don't we bend so we don't break? ♪

[crowd cheering]

Shattering your knee
was worth it for that song.

I think I have groupies. That's new.

Is that gonna be what a tour is like?

♪ Snuggle up ♪

♪ Throw your hands in the air ♪

♪ Now slide ♪

♪ Please? ♪

♪ Slide ♪

Hey, yo, my act really hinges
on crowd participation.

My God, people are leaving.

♪ Now head up the aisles ♪

Now you're getting it.

♪ Now head up the aisles ♪

If I were a betting man--

And I am. It's a problem.

--I'd get your passports in order.

[all shouting]

sh*t!

[clears throat]
But seriously, who wants to take that bet?

I'm in the hole after the Rangers game.
I don't even know what sport they do.

[all] Whoo!

-Sharp cheddar, this is getting real.
-To tour mode!

[both] Whoo!

Dawn, you're hesitating.

[all] You're pregnant?!

Jesus.

Yes. I'm pregnant.

-I'm handling the quizzes at the shower.
-Planned?

I don't wanna get into it,
but one day I was desperate for a hair tie

and my NuvaRing was there, so...

I know it's a curveball
but we can make it work as long as--

Honey, do you really think
a grueling tour is a good idea?

I did tons of physical stuff
when I was pregnant.

You know, Zumba and Peloton,
and I hit two mail trucks.

Why do they stop all the time? Just drive.

It's just, my Aunt Ronnie
was an older pregnant lady,

and she overexerted herself,

and her baby grew up to be a Disney adult.

A Disney adult, Dawn.

[scoffs] Are you saying I shouldn't go?

What the fuzz, Wick?

Trying to kick her out
because she took one solo in the album?

No!

I'm just looking out for my friend.

Am I being reckless?

We'd understand
if you wanted to stay local.

Shut your butts. Stevia's going live.

[Stevia] Hey, guys.

-Yo, yo, did someone say fam?
-No.

'Cause I'm fam and I'm stoked to be here

when my baby girl opens
her hype house acceptance DMs.

-You have keto breath.
-Truth.

Now which hat is it gonna be?

Let's see.

Oh, my God. Nowhere?

Not even Cringe Palace?

Isn't there some kind of waitlist
in case a bro-bro gets canceled?

-[Dawn] Sorry, Summer.
-[Gloria] It's for the best.

Everything's in the right spot.

You have one baby,

and one Lego man hat
in the intestinal tract,

but that will disintegrate over time.

-I do have some lifestyle questions.
-Mm-hm.

Um...

Can I run in heels?
And what about thrusting?

Or secondhand stage fog?

-What about glitter inhalation?
-I see what you're getting at.

Yes, yes, you can play a prost*tute
in an Italian art film.

No, it's just, there's
a "Danger Geriatric" stamp on my file,

and I read stuff
comparing my eggs to the kind

that an old man pulls loose
from a corduroy pocket.

Ugh. A lot of that language is vestigial,

from when women over 35
were categorized as medically gross.

Don't worry. How old are you?

I'm 40.

Oh, you're a wittle baby.

You are...

Yep. Miss Solano, you are the youngest
pregnant woman in our entire system.

-How is that even possible?
-It's New York City.

The average 38-year-old only owns a laptop

and two Amy's Frozen Burritos.

Everybody waits here.

-Really?
-[nurse] Really.

sh*t, I'm down to one.

Her eyebrow game can definitely come up.

What if I donate an Instagram wall
with "swole" written in AstroTurf?

We could get her a STEM tutor,
Selfies, TikToks, Emojis and Memes.

-Dang it!
-Dang it to f*ck!

-Kev.
-What did you just say?

Nothing! I don't even know that word!

Ugh.

Okay, Kev, look.

-I know that Stevia is disappointed.
-What about Larry's hype house?

-What?
-Or an Evangelical birthright,

where she visits the condo in Orlando
where Jesus was born?

Stop it! Stevia can just stay here.

No! You stop it!

I am not going to be a single dad.

I've only ever been a weekend dad.
What do you do on a Wednesday?

-Is that when she eats?
-She eats all the days!

Oh, slow down, Sum.

I am not a natural caretaker.

All my crabs d*ed.

Their chalky white paste is on my hands.
Crabs don't have traditional blood.

I can't take this on.
I'm dealing with a lot.

Realtor. I live in a basement,
and I'm afraid of the dryer.

I'm sorry, ex-babe.

You can't go on tour, ex-babe.

♪ New York City moms ♪

♪ Nobody waits longer than
New York City moms ♪

♪ Delayed conception ♪

♪ Mm ♪

♪ Scheduled C-section ♪

♪ Held off in that department ♪

♪ Till they got themselves
A two-bedroom apartment ♪

♪ Had to wait till they made partner ♪

♪ To pull the goalie with their partner ♪

♪ Bumps poking out of Eileen Fisher ♪

♪ Judged by their husband's
Out-of-town sister ♪

♪ But they're all doing mighty fine ♪

♪ Squeakin' it in
Under nature's stupid deadline ♪

♪ Gray-bies having babies ♪

♪ They're New York... ♪

♪ City moms ♪

Nothing wrong with that egg.

Guys, I am in for the tour,
and I wanna learn saxophone.

But...

what if we're in France
and your baby gets Taken?

Scott doesn't have the skills
for that, Dawn.

You think he's gonna get it back
by rearranging books by color?

-What is wrong with you?
-Gloria...

You just rekindled your relationship
with the luminous

-and irreplaceable Cindy.
-Caroline.

Well, you abandon her,
and the nightmare starts.

Mark my words, Cynthia will stray.

She's got the stubby thumbs
of a serial cheater.

-You just called her luminous.
-I know that camp doesn't start till July.

I was just wondering if maybe
there was an off-season groundskeeper.

And Summer.

You can't leave Stevia with Kev!

She'll k*ll him!

What the hell is going on with you?

Why are you trying to k*ll the tour?

I'm in love! Okay?

I'm in love.

I'm in love with the stupid lunch lord!

-Who?
-He's--

He's cute, and he's honest.

And I can't stop thinking about him
even though he owns zero planes

and a mug that says,
"Keep Calm and Hate the Dodgers!"

He even likes my busted foot.

Ew. But is he, like, too into it?

No, he's only fine with it.
It's normal levels of acceptance.

I blame you for this!

You did this to me. You made me evolve.

You are the Galapagan insects

that smooshed my finch beak!

Damn it!

Wickie is right.

I can't leave Stevia with Kev.

And my parents can't watch her

because they're
"building" churches in Haiti.

But this Bible quote
they just posted is geotagged

at the Dirty Fox Casino
and Clothing-Optional Waterpark.

Oh, they're backsliding.

Yeah.

Ugh! How am I the grown-up in my world?

Oh, wait, honey. Could you watch Stevia?

-I'm going on the tour with you!
-Oh. Right.

The tour's gonna be a nightmare.
Wickie's right.

I'd leave, Caroline would feel neglected,

so she goes and gets drunk one night,
and she slips up,

and then I'm devastated.

Oh.

And then I have guilt-free permission

to explore everything
that's out there for me.

Why aren't you doing a proud face?

Nothing proud is happening.

You're the one that's always
trying to get me to branch out.

I've only been with one woman
my whole life!

Well, you're treating our tour
the same way that Kev treated Tampa.

You get to do your thang,

but it's not fair to the luminous woman
waiting for you back home.

Gloria, I wasted years of my life

just sitting in a kitchen,
staring at, like...

cups.

No, all I wanna do
is hold onto the relationship I cherish,

but experience things I never got to,
so I'll know that she's the right one.

That's cheating.

I wonder if the tour would go
by that Dirty Fox Waterpark?

Oh, good Lord.

It started that way.

What started what way?

I was just putting up an Ansel Adams
poster of a cool mountain.

Sheawn "Last Name Unknown,"

if we get this tour,
part of me doesn't wanna go.

And it's not because I'm seeking comfort
or I'm Ryan Salging.

It's because I wanna be with you.

And I think you and I could maybe work

because Sandra Bullock's
with a children's birthday photographer.

I like you too, Wickie.

But you're a star.

Like Vin Diesel or the Monopoly top-hat.

And I'd be mad if you didn't go.

'Cause I would never wanna be that guy
to piss out your light.

Oh...

Can I chaperone the dance with you?

Okay.

So you're ready to be seen
in public with a lunch lord?

Right on. [chuckles]

You're an actual lord?

The universe is rewarding me
for being pure of heart and for...

falling for a village normling.

-Nah. I did three tours in Iraq.
-Oh.

-Okay.
-It was traumatizing.

My att*cks on you all yesterday
were P-Bags!

Pew, pew, pew, et cetera.

I'm in for the tour.

-[Summer] Hey, Tate.
-I've got some VIBs who would like a word.

-♪ Girls5eva! ♪
-♪ Girls5eva! ♪

Drew and Jonathan?

Sorry we couldn't make the show.

We do, like, 800 episodes
of Property Brothers a year,

-and we're in the middle of Toronto Week.
-Ooh. Sounds exotic!

But we watched the footage.
You did an amazing job.

-Thank you.
-Thank you, Mr. and Mr. Property.

It's just--

We're in the dream-making business.
Tate, tell them they didn't get the tour.

You didn't get the tour.

[mouthing] I'm sorry.

We didn't get it?

See, Joel? That's the face the Ballmores
should make when I'm like:

"But we're not done.
Yep, a craft room for Mom!"

-Who would even want that?
-This is absurd.

We should be getting the good news,
not the Ballmores.

We put our blood, sweat
and knees into this album.

I know, but life isn't a wish machine.

You don't always get to do
the exact thing you're best at.

For me, it's this. Sharing screen...

[Dawn] Fight reel?

What?

Are you watching in awe?

Your faces are too small. I can't tell.

I hate Zoom.

-You should've been Jack Ryan, sir.
-[Drew] I know.

Oh, my God.

I did not wanna say this over there,

but which one was cuter?

How'd this happen?
We were so much better than Co-Z Boi.

Yeah. It's ageism.
They don't want to deal with grown-ass,

informed women with opinions.

Really? Name the governor
of New York, Dawn.

Garby Karbondo.

I'm sorry I doubted you.

[Summer] Look, guys.

I know that this sucks,
but maybe it is for the best.

I don't have anyone to watch Stevia,
Wickie's in love,

Dawn could only crowd-surf on her side.

It's not like it's '99
where all we had to think about

-was how many thongs to pack.
-Forty-seven.

Nope. None of this
is sitting right with me.

We deserve this tour.

I've watched enough true crime
to know when there's more to a story.

-Let it go, Gloria.
-Letting go is not my brand.

I know that building. Holy sh*t!

They're sh**ting New York for Toronto!

It rarely goes that direction.

With the money we saved
on the backsplash...

This reno came in $40 under budget.

Money was super important to our budget.

-Is this even our house?
-[Gloria] There they are. Hey!

Why didn't Girls5eva get the opener gig?

-Sorry, we're in--
-Sexism? Ageism? Which "ism" is it?

-Co-Z Boi was a better fit.
-How? People walked out.

Sorry, but this isn't
the right time, okay?

-Can we get a B-roll of me--?
-I'm not leaving.

-Come on.
-Look, the one with the beard,

we deserve the truth.

And I'm willing to fight you for it.

-Are you kidding?
-Do it, bitch.

Come on.

Good God.

Come at me. Come at me!

-Do you yield?
-Eat sh*t, modern Jesus.

-Careful!
-Not my cabinet!

Come on!

[woman] My cove windows!

Boom in the sh*t!

Come on!

Is that all you got?

Right in the brothers!

That's titanium, m*therf*cker.

k*ll him. Do it, please.

Jesus.

Okay, okay. It was an "ism."

-Money-ism.
-You mean, capitalism?

Shut up, Jonathan.

Look, the opener has a function up there.
To die.

What?

It's so people hit up concessions
and buy chicken,

alcohol and our new scented hammers.

Alcohol and hammers, not the best combo.

Look, you were great.

It's just that
this is a business venture for us.

We lost because people
stayed and liked it?

Especially the moms.
They're the ones with the wallets.

But thank you for the fight.

It's the only time
I feel anything anymore.

When we come back,
we're talking to Kaitlyn

about her dream she-shed.

We were too good?

My curse!

If the Property Brothers
aren't gonna back us,

we need to back ourselves.

Guys...

we need to do our own tour.

Yeah, but how?
We don't have any infrastructure.

No promoter, no venues lined up, no bus.

Gloria, I know you wanna do
your no-consequence F-spree, but--

It's not only that! People liked us.

Our peers liked us.

That is better
than our old fanbase of bald pervs

begging for lipstick prints
on their heads.

I don't know, though.
Where would we even start?

[cell phone buzzing]

-Ugh.
-Yo, it's Bootsy Tings!

-What you want, Stinker?
-It's Bootsy Tings.

I've never been anyone else.

Any-y'all, is this y'all's song?

♪ 'Cause cow town is a wow town
With a walkable downtown... ♪

-Oh, my gosh.
-It is our song.

♪ It's time to tap into your Fort Worth ♪

-Oh, yeah.
-It is what?

♪ The home of Hagman and Meester ♪

Y'all gotta get down here.
Y'all are huge in Fort Worth!

You guys, we have 28,000 streams
on SoundCloud.

There was a hole in the marketplace!

Well, I guess we found our first stop.

-Hey!
-Come on!

Okay!

Whoo! You guys have fun.

What? What are you talking about?

Oh.

I can't go.

Kev can't take over for me.

But it's okay. It is.

You guys have never really needed me.

I just do the femi-nasty phrases...

and we don't even
have those anymore, so...

Honey,

you haven't been useless in months.

Hey, you co-wrote a song with me,

and you're actually singing on this album.

And you're our moral compass.
We're three pieces of sh*t without you.

Maybe not me.

That is exactly what
a self-centered piece of sh*t would say.

I guess I have really grown a lot.

Maybe...

Kev can grow too.

-Yes!
-[Wickie] Okay!

Okay. I'm in! I'm in!

But only if you promise
to be honest with Caroline.

Fine.

Now, everyone, go clean up your sh*t
and pack 47 underwears of your choice.

[all shouting]

Oh, my God!

♪ Lap pool, fobs ♪

♪ Gym that Lester Holt was seen at once ♪

Kev... [sighs]

I'm going on the tour.
You'll stay with Stevia.

No, I'm not to be trusted!

You'll figure it out,
just like I had to when you went to Tampa.

-[groans]
-Hey, listen to me.

Be her best friend, not her parent.

Win her heart through possessions.

And find out what she's up to
by posing as an older, very cool,

CGI shapewear CEO on TikTok.

I'll give you the account
and password I made.

-Also--
-Can I get paper?

Hey, buddy, you're gonna be a big brother.

I wanna play lacrosse!

There goes our New York Lonely Boy.

That happened too fast.

Oh!

Jesus, Max!

-I guess this is goodbye forever.
-Why?

Because I'm leaving
and you can't come with me.

Wickie, I don't want this to end.

There's technology now.

We can just JO over FaceTime.

I'd like that.

Look, my path may lead right back to you,

and I know you said
it isn't great out there,

but I have to learn that for myself.

I'm so sorry, and I love you.

Oh, f*ck you for this sh*t!

You rope me back in
just to cut the f*cking rope?!

You just keep the f*cking apartment, okay?

-And then I just mix it up?
-You got it.

-I'm scared, but I'm doing it.
-You got it.

Stevia, this is your food.

[van horn honking]

[Wickie] I could ride in this!

Hey, I needed new wheels
since the Cube blew up, anyway.

And we got a driver.

[all cheering]

I'm Percy. I'm scared on highways.

-Are you scared of bags?
-No.

[Sheawn] Here's food for the road.

The hot one's bagel pizzas,
the wet one's peaches.

Lunch lord...

I've only ever said this to a golf cart
I thought contained Billy Porter, but...

I love you.

I love you too.

It'd be nice if you called me Sheawn.

We'll meet you in every city
that has good ramen.

-[Max] Good luck, Mommy.
-Mm. Hey, thank you, my babe.

I love you both so much.

Are you Ted Lasso-ing?
No one will root for you, miss.

Shut up, and let me live my life!

-Get out of here!
-[Gloria] f*ck off!

Okay.

I'm gonna learn maps.

Bye!

[Wickie] Next stop, Fort Worth.

-After that, I don't know.
-[Dawn] We'll figure it out.

-[Wickie] Tour mode!
-[Summer] Tour mode!

[Gloria] I forgot all my bras.

♪ B.P.E. ♪

♪ Got that big p*ssy energy ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Stepping up, done playing it small ♪

♪ Taking over, yeah, wall to wall ♪

♪ Going up like a cannon ball ♪

♪ It's B.P.E., y'all ♪

♪ B.P.E. ♪

♪ Got that big p*ssy energy ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ B.P.E. ♪

♪ Got that big p*ssy energy ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Kick down the doors
No locks, I don't need a key ♪

♪ Eyes down here
Yeah, I'm the centerpiece ♪

♪ Animal queendom, feline synergy ♪

♪ Kicking down the doors
Big p*ssy energy ♪

♪ I don't care if you like me ♪

♪ Swagger that says
You just met somebody ♪

♪ Confidence boosted by Vitamin P ♪

♪ Kicking down the doors
Big p*ssy energy ♪

♪ Square feet, I'm going for miles ♪

♪ Upgrade, taking up the aisles ♪

♪ Open up those classified files ♪

♪ From the Department of Treasury ♪

-♪ Big p*ssy energy ♪
-♪ B.P.E. ♪

♪ Got that big p*ssy energy ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ B.P.E. ♪

♪ Got that big p*ssy energy ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪