03x01 - Fort Worth

[bunniefuu]

-["Tap Into Your Fort Worth" playing]
-[audience cheering]

Let's ride! Y'all hear that b*at?

♪ Got my best boots on, smile on my face
Can't believe we're from this place ♪

♪ Thirteenth biggest in the state
Can a town be a soulmate? ♪

♪ East Exchange Avenue
Steers in my rear-view ♪

♪ Gonna hit what USA Today calls
The second-best zoo ♪

♪ 'Cause Cowtown is a wow town
With a walkable downtown ♪

♪ It's time to tap into your Fort Worth ♪

♪ Worth! Worth! Worth! ♪

[news theme music playing]

Move over, Margaritaville and Africa.

There's a new place with a song about it.

Here!

-[whooping]
-Fort Worth, baby!

[Jackie] Yes!

So, what's your connection to Fort Worth?
Are y'all from Texas?

What's Mariah Carey's connection
to Christmas?

She's not from Christmas.

But of course, this is just the first stop
on Girls5Eva's Returnity World Tour.

We'll be adding more cities
as we book them.

No more questions.

-♪ It's got no hipsters ♪
-♪ Like Austin ♪

-♪ Or Wahlbergs ♪
-♪ Like Boston ♪

-♪ Or tech bros ♪
-♪ Like Austin ♪

-♪ Or Afflecks ♪
-♪ Like Boston ♪

So, Dawn, you're a mom
and a singer and Italian,

so lots of emotions there.

How's it been being back on the road
after all these years?

-Well, obviously, I miss my family.
-Mm.

Uh, actually, this is the first time
I've been away from them

since I got trapped for a weekend
in a Marshalls bathroom stall.

Thank you for asking.
I'm gay and looking, Fort Worth.

Hello. On our last tour,
I was so deep in the closet,

I was behind the fireproof box
where you put birth certificates.

Not anymore.

[Dawn] ♪ Some say Omaha Zoo
Is second best ♪

♪ But that's a lie
Because their red panda is always inside ♪

♪ It's never out on the tree ♪

This tour is gonna be amazing,
and no one's gonna ruin it.

Definitely not me. [laughing]

Yes.

[Dawn] What...? What's that about?

Jesus, Summer, it's 6 a.m.

["Famous 5eva" playing]

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva
'Cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ It's too short ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 3-gether
'Cause that's one more than 2-gether ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva
'Cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ So, what are you waiting five? ♪

♪ Girls5eva ♪

[lilting music playing]

-Yo! What's up, virgins?
-Ooh, hi!

First walk of shame on the books. Ha, ha!

-Good for you, rock star!
-[Gloria] Yeah.

I'm just gonna check off
"pre-Friends Courteney Cox type"

off the old spreadsheet.

[upbeat music playing]

"The 178 Types of Women."

That's the spreadsheet
you were working on in the van?

-Yeah.
-Thought you were doing your taxes.

I'm trying to make up for lost time here.

Before last night,
I had only been with one woman.

-Well, my night was pretty great too.
-Ooh.

I slept like a baby,
and my dreams had zero bees.

Wow. Look at us,
just all hanging out, best friends.

-No one's saying anything wrong.
-[pensive music playing]

[Percy] It'd be great at TCU.

Girls5eva's been invited
to lead the steer walk to the stockyards.

Yes.

Texas Motor Speedway wants y'all
to wave the checkered flag.

It's checkered due to its history.

-It's the Confederate flag.
-Pass.

And the Fort Worth Hard Rock has requested
some G5e memorabilia.

Here.

[whimsical music playing]

Yeah.

It's "Ew, Gross" by Isaac Mizrahi.
For the plaque.

And next week the Fort Worth mayor
would love for you guys

to cut the ribbon
on a new on-ramp on I-35.

-Ooh!
-Aw.

An honor,
but we won't be in FoWo next week.

We have juiced this pig. New saying.
Where to next?

Dawn, did you follow up
on those leads I sent?

You mean the website for Red Rocks

and the Wikipedia page
for Radio City Music Hall?

And that article about how Moby
has finally done enough yoga

to reach his own d*ck, so he quit music.

Maybe we could swoop in
and take some of his dates.

-Right. Well, I've been busy.
-With what? This?

No, hey, I'm not done!

[Wickie] Time on the clock,
slats on the chair, bird has one wing,

house has no chimney,
double green in the rainbow, come on!

I need you to be the Dawn.
Details, legwork, booking.

-I found her.
-Found who? What are you doing?

I was just looking up
last night's bang on Insta.

-Why are you looking up a one-night stand?
-[Summer] Oh!

Did she steal your wigs and medication?
Kev did that our first night.

Nah! She had just an early meeting,

and I was just seeing
if that ho-bag made it on time.

The only ho-bags
you should be focusing on are us!

Let's go! Tour mode!
Vroom-vroom, beep-beep!

[sputtering] Ah!

I don't know if we need
to rush out of Fort Worth so soon.

I mean, we could sell out for weeks
if we wanted.

But all crowds want to hear is
"Tap Into Your Fort Worth,"

and we're staying
in a Marriott Divorced Dad Suitelets.

-That one's luggage is a garbage bag.
-[lilting music playing]

Yeah, well, you're staying here for free,
thanks to my credit-card reward points.

The vending machine is filled
with wrapped kids' birthday presents.

Oh, sh*t. Thank you for reminding me.
Is today the 28th?

It's the fifth!

All I'm saying is that
we came here with no plan

and maybe
this is the perfect place to make one.

You know, get our act together,
incubate the show.

Didn't you feel like Yesternights
got pushed out before it was ready?

Mm, my solo album. Hmm. Maybe a little.

♪ Wishing you could be my knight ♪

♪ But you're only in my ♪

♪ Yesternights ♪

♪ Of night ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Third verse, mm, in progress ♪

♪ Mm, vamping, ooh, vamping ♪

♪ Lonely nights ♪

The label wanted it out in time

to be playing in the background
of a Breckin Meyer sex tape.

[whimsical music playing]

Fine.

We'll stay in Fort Worth
until we get our act together.

Does B3 seem like something
a 13- or 14-year-old would want?

No!

Try E9.

-Aw, her mom is cute.
-You see this?

I've read eight pages of a book.
I have downtime.

What else should I do?
I can't drink 'cause I'm pregnant, so...

Ooh! I'm gonna take a...

It's like a toilet. Long, it's hot.
You get in it, you like it.

-Are you trying to say "bath"?
-Yes! Thank you.

[line dialing]

[on recording]
Hey, it's Irene. You know what to do.

-[voicemail beeps]
-Irene.

Yeah, this is Gloria from sex.
I'm leaving a message again.

Yeah, I was just checking in
on your big meeting,

how it went, etcetera, etcetera.

Yeah, just call me back if you want.
Whatevs, dot caszh. Okay.

Now you're calling this woman?

Are you sure
this was just a one-night stand?

Of course!

It's just your standard
"wham, bam, thank you, ma'am,

did you get to your early meeting, ma'am?"

Gloria, it's okay if you want more.

I don't.
I just want to know about the meeting.

-[poignant music playing]
-Okay, that night I was with John Mayer...

Garbage d*ck.

...he told me
that he had a 2 a.m. guitar meeting.

So I think maybe the meeting is...

-Is still going on.
-[music stops]

And long meetings are
where the deals are made,

so I should send her something.

Wonder if they make balloons that say
"Congrats on your long meeting"?

You know what?

Gloria, you do you.

I'm gonna go take a bath.

In a stand-up shower.

[lilting music playing]

Everyone f*cked John Mayer.

[audience cheering]

Sorry, guys, I got stuck
at the steer walk, signing cows.

Now, ladies.

It's just me. Hi. I thought we were
all meeting early to work on our set.

I was all ready to go
and no one ever came.

Five, six, seven, eight...

nine, 10, 11, 12...

-[microphone feedback whining]
-13...

I stopped when I ran out of numbers.
Did the plan change?

Oh, usually someone else responds to you.

Is this the first time
you and I have ever been alone together?

Feels like it, but no.

There was one other time.
October 28th, 2001.

Okay, stalker.

[tense music playing]

So sorry. Little problem.

I snuck in a bath after the steer walk
and I used too much moisturizer,

so I couldn't open the door,
so I put eyelash glue on my hands.

Now I can't get my hands apart.

-[Summer] Dawn, no.
-[grunting]

Sorry I'm late.

I had to put a little cheese
in the rat trap for hookup two.

Dawn, it's gonna be no strings.
If I was a tampon, I'd be lost forever.

You know what else is lost?
Us, 'cause we didn't rehearse.

-You're up, Girls5eva.
-Okay, let me pee on your hands.

-That's jellyfish.
-Jellyfish!

Let's hear it for the best thing
to happen to Fort Worth.

[Gloria] This hair is heavy.
I might not be able to dance.

-Girls5eva!
-[audience cheering]

Here, take some of my face.

-[Summer] Is there choreography?
-[Gloria] Is there a set list?

I don't want to Yesternights us.
It wasn't ready.

♪ All night ♪

[man] I said don't turn around!

We'll get our sh*t together
and work on the full act tomorrow,

practice our other songs,
choreo, everything.

Okay, we'll get our act together tomorrow.

Right, but tonight we'll just do...

♪ The home of Hagman and Meester
Capshaw and Schieffer ♪

♪ Capshaw and Schieffer ♪

♪ Tap into your Fort Worth ♪

[whooping]

[cheering and whistling]

[yells]

[upbeat music playing]

[whooping]

They ate us up!

I haven't gotten that level of applause
since I agreed to leave an airplane.

Did you see me crowd-surf
that pack of ladies?

-Yeah, you did it face-down?
-I did it face-down.

[Bootsy] Girls5eva!

[Summer & Gloria] Oh!

Bootsy's in the building.

-Hey, Bootsy!
-What the hell's with the pillows?

My Jordans are too expensive
to touch the ground.

Kim Jong-Un hit a hole-in-one
on the sun in these.

-Oh.
-Uh, could y'all just, uh, come to me?

Somebody didn't bring enough pillows.
Jason, you're fired!

Well, great show.

What was that, a 40-minute version
of your Fort Worth song?

It was mostly improv.

At one point, it sounded like
you were just naming streets.

-And reading sports hats.
-I just did Wikipedia.

♪ Fort Worth is the birthplace
Of multiple serial K*llers, including... ♪

Oh, he's bad.

f*ck Dallas!

f*ck Dallas!

-f*ck Dallas!
-[audience] f*ck Dallas!

-[laughing]
-Y'all must be loving Fort Worth.

-Love it.
-They can't get enough of y'all down here.

That must feel damn good
after so many years of rejection.

-[pensive music playing]
-Y'all got mad groupies down here,

looking to clown down in Cowtown, right?

[all chuckle]

Yeah. And look at you all happy
and getting along.

But if it's a different city every night,
it is a pressure cooker.

And if one person says
the wrong thing, poof! Bye-bye, group.

And touring is so hard.

Zero downtime.

It's like managing a restaurant
or raising a kid.

Or maybe both.

Who knows? Yeah, these are weird examples.
Anyway, I'm pretty high.

Uh...

I think you'd be smart to stay here
just as long as you can.

[music stops]

Are you the purse I left on the ground
at the steer walk?

-[tense music playing]
-Because you are full of bullshit.

Yeah, Fort Worth is just our first stop.

Yeah, we are working on our full act,
starting tomorrow, so...

-Yeah, so why don't you...
-No, no, no.

...get your wrong-ass observations
the f*ck out of here?

Well, that was dumb.

You want me to leave,
but now I have nowhere to go!

Where I'm gonna go? There's no pillows.

Then stay there and we'll go. Come on.

-[Dawn] Bye.
-[lilting music playing]

Jason?

Decisions, decisions.
What am I getting? Ah!

[lilting music continues]

-Hey.
-I forgot today was my birthday, so...

-Percy, can I ask you something?
-Sure. I get this a lot.

Yes, my face is a popular Halloween mask.

But unfortunately,
I don't see a dime from it.

[dramatic sting plays]

No, I mean... [clears throat]

...this tour is going well so far, right?

I think so,
but I'm not great with social cues.

In movies, I always think Christoph Waltz
is the good guy because he's smiling.

I'm just nervous because...

the last time I was alone...
[in low voice] with Wickie,

I accidentally convinced her
to leave the group.

But I was alone with her again tonight
and I didn't,

so that's good, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

[both laugh]

"Magic: The Gathering"? Mm-mm. Too scary!

So it's Max's night
with the class hamster, but he lost it.

Uh-huh.

Ooh. Cow yoga.

-What?
-Hamsters. I was listening.

Oh, hey, can I watch
the new The Crown without you?

Those dicks in the English Department
don't know the meaning of "spoiler."

There's a new The Crown?
Love you. Miss you. Bye.

Okay, bye...

Dawn! Look who's on
to the next hunk-a-strange.

[chattering]

I told you I wasn't hung up
on that last gal.

I'm being super caszh about this,

so don't bother getting to know this one
'cause you'll never see her again.

This is really easy for me.

-Cool cool. You two have fun.
-Don't memorize her face!

There's a new The Crown.

Oh, my God, we're above the fold? Ha!

Have fun below the fold,
"Silo expl*si*n Kills Field Trip."

Please!
You're never gonna leave this place.

Yes, I am.
I'm looking at a house tomorrow.

Come on, Tyler. I just need
a little more time to get my act together.

-[dramatic music playing]
-Oh, my God, Dad, stop lying to yourself!

Excuse me.
He's gonna get his act together.

Give your father time, Tyler.
He's looking at a house tomorrow.

He's been here for six years, lady.
Unlike my mom's boyfriend.

He just bought his second party bus
for his party-bus business.

Greg is taking big swings.

Lay off him. The divorce is
probably something you did, Tyler.

No, he's right. I'm just scared,
and this place is comfortable.

I don't want to be dramatic,
but I'll probably die here.

Oh, God.

[classical music playing]

Welcome to Windsor Castle, admiral.

Everyone, this is the admiral.

Admiral, why, this is everyone.

Tubby Bear, Ducks,

Plumpo needs no introduction.

Hugsy Rabbit, Jeremy, Lord Froggy...

-Dawn, we're gonna die in Fort Worth!
-[dramatic music playing]

Shh! I'm watching the new Crown.
They're in the aughts now.

Not as much drama since Diana d*ed,
but Prince Andrew has 72 stuffed animals.

It's the least upsetting thing about him.

Dr. and Mrs. Hippo.

That pillow's name is Daddy, of course.

Sebastian the Hound...

Stinker was right.
We are never gonna leave.

-We're figuring it out. We're leaving.
-When? Tomorrow?

We are lying to ourselves.

It'll always be tomorrow
because we love it here.

But it's a trap, Dawn!

You know what Hagman and Meester,
Capshaw and Schieffer all had in common?

-They were born here.
-And they left.

That's the only reason
we all know their names.

Yet I can't stop
Zillow-surfing houses in Rivercrest.

This one has five bedrooms for
the Lunch Lord and his son, or whatever.

This bathtub reminds me,

I bet I could watch The Crown
from the tub with a system of mirrors.

Stop it.

I need you to make us leave!

Wrangle, do e-mails, calls! The Dawn jobs!

Just stop acting like you're on vacation.

Leave me alone!
I haven't had a break in, like, 20 years!

I just need a little more time, baby.

Just one more bath and then I'll help.

Oh, my God.

I don't know who you are.

Angus, why is Lieutenant Fussbottom
next to Glen?

They're in a fight.

I suppose I update the stuffie map
for my own amusement, then?

-[door slams]
-[Wickie] Summer!

-You're in charge.
-What? No!

I need you to be the Dawn.
I can't do it. It would wreck my posture.

-What about Gloria?
-You think I didn't try that?

-Gloria.
-Mm. Mm!

-Mm!
-[groans]

We have to get out of Fort Worth,
and I have no one else to turn to.

-Okay.
-Okay.

I can try and be Dawn.

Chris Pratt played Mario.
There's no rules when it's Italians.

It's just, being alone with you
makes me really nervous.

-We've never been alone together.
-We have. Twice.

-Earlier tonight.
-I don't think so.

And October 28th, 2001.

[door opens]

Wickie?

Rob Schneider doesn't want to be in
our video, so that's a no from everyone.

-We're over!
-Hey, no, it's not over.

We're mid-tour! Mid!

Ugh. Please, you can't deny
our front rows are getting uglier.

Hey, hey, we are gonna be okay

because we have you.

I mean, you've got it all.

You've got the looks and the voice,
and you're engaged to Phil Spector.

All you have to do is just be Wickie Roy.

-Huh.
-[pensive music playing]

I do have it all.

You're our Beyoncé,

our Gwen Stefani.

Uh, you're our Timberlake.

All people who are being held back
by the groups they're currently in.

-Yeah.
-If only they had the courage

to do what I'm about to do.

-Ooh, what's that?
-I'm Wickie Roy.

-Yeah.
-I take big swings.

-Sure.
-I'm going solo!

-[laughing]
-What? No, Wickie!

-No, that's not what I... This isn't...
-Holy... Bye!

-You understand that this time I don't...
-Say no more.

You were right then and you are right now.

I just need to be Wickie Roy!

[laughing]

No!

-Well, that was fun.
-It sure was.

And now it's over. Cool. Good.

-Bye forever. Real quick.
-Glad we're on the same page.

While you slept, I wrote a song
and it's called "No Strings Attached."

♪ One night they said
No strings attached ♪

♪ But in that night
Two souls were matched ♪

♪ Goodbye was more than they could bear ♪

♪ Then a wizard told them
It's always night somewhere ♪

♪ So they chase the moon on an airplane ♪

♪ Powered by love ♪

♪ Around the world a million times ♪

♪ A morning that never came
Until the coroner said to the wizard ♪

♪ Time of death, the same, no... ♪

Okay. Uh, Linda, right?

It's Gloria.

You're awesome, but I think
we might want different things.

Nah, bish, you heard the song. No strings!

And when did the coroner board the plane?

-Let me catch up.
-No, I don't care.

-Uh, I have an early meeting.
-Cool. No probs.

I love you! Nah.

Prank.

Let me draw you! Not.

[whimsical music playing]

Mm. That's nice.

[music fades]

You were right.

I'm incapable
of the string-less lifestyle.

-I'm all string.
-Yeah, you're kind of an attacher.

Didn't you marry Caroline
after the second date?

[scoffs]

We went straight from paintball.
I imprint like an emperor penguin.

So how am I gonna sow my oats?

Okay, on the new The Crown,
Prince Andrew...

-Ew.
-Hear me out.

...has 72 stuffed animals.
-Gross.

And every night,
he chooses one to be Lord Cuddles.

And then every morning,
he really struggles to say goodbye.

I love you. Prank!

Let me draw you. Not!

But he does it.
It's weird, but he does it.

And then he moves on to the next cuddle.

Okay, maybe
I could still make up for lost time

if I just treated every hookup
like an intense mini-relationship.

Like every one-night stand,
I'd be living the first two minutes of Up.

-[poignant music playing]
-So Meg and I are over,

and I miss her so much.

And I'm moving ahead.
[mimics videotape fast-forwarding]

Hey, what's up?
Who's gonna ride the pony tonight?

-Yes.
-[elevator chimes]

-You guys, I did something so bad.
-Oh, what'd you tweet?

-I made Wickie quit the group again.
-Wait, what?

-Again?
-Well, this is goodbye...

-[pensive music playing]
-What?

to Fort Worth.

-We are out of here.
-We?

Like, us?

All of us? Summer too?

I packed everyone's stuff,
but I was super respectful.

I did zero sniffs.

-Where are we going?
-The top, Gloria. Ever heard of it?

You see,
Summer helped me realize something.

-She did?
-I am Wickie Roy.

-I take big swings.
-Wickie, what did you do?

What needed to be done
to make us leave Fort Worth.

I took all the money we made here

and put a down payment
on a venue befitting a real tour.

-[hopeful music playing]
-Save the date, six months from today,

November 23rd,

Girls5eva is playing
Radio City Music Hall.

-What?
-She's not quitting.

-All of our money?
-Wait, what?

Isn't November 23rd Thanksgiving?

-That would explain why it was available.
-Radio City is huge.

What if we can't fill it?

We owe Tishman Speyer Properties $570,000.

Or they sue us to death.

Consider our fire lit. You're welcome.

[whimsical music playing]

Wow, y'all. Wow.

[Wickie] Door open.

Door open.

[Andrew] And, admiral,
this is Flopsy of Warwickshire,

Bradford, Kingsley, Prescott,
Brigadier General Badger,

Remington, Heathcliff,
Orville and his wife Helen of Brae,

Evelyn, Snuggly Bear, Duchess Frog.

Hiding in the back, there's the shy one,
Sebastian the Hound,

Foxy, Mr. Monster Face, Wendell,
Tinsley, Tinsley, Sr.,

Little Tinsley, Kanga Rodney,
Owly, who's a vicar of course,

Beatrix Otter, Alfie the Possum
who was stripped of his rank,

Cheeky Ol Stout, Esmerelda the 12th,
Godfrey, Jonathan,

Major Fluffy, Captain Patches,
Field Marshal Bubbles, Duke Cuddlebums,

Anastasia, Samantha, whom I loathe,
Benjamin, Hoppy, Skippy,

Jumpy, Jammies, Reginald,
Dusty, Tuft, Thomas Pudding,

Buster Bat, Baron Squishy,

Prime Minister Buttercup,
Viscount Quackers,

Reverend Mobsy, Spiky,
Yellow Bear, she's a goat,

Pudsey, Sploosh the Dolphin,
Gwendolyn of Hastings, Plantain Conchita,

Sister Waddles, Ripley,
Alexandria of Stroud,

Daphne, Todd,
Lieutenant Fussbottom, and Glen.